Why Is My Ex Checking Up On Me?

Dumpers often reach out weeks, months, or even years after the breakup and appear concerned about their ex. They seem to be back to their normal caring selves and say things like, “I care about you, I just want you to be okay, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to.”

This is how they indirectly tell their ex that they’ve got his or her back and that they’re ready to be friends again.

Of course, this friendship offer may appear to be completely selfless, but the truth is that it’s very conditional. It stands only if their ex (the dumpee) wants exactly the same as them. If the dumpee wants more than them (more than friendship), dumpers quickly withdraw their offer and go back into hiding.

They just can’t handle relationship-like behavior and expectations from their ex because that’s not why they check up on their ex. They check up on their ex mainly to evaluate how their ex is coping emotionally and how their ex feels about them.

By “feels about them” I don’t mean that they want their ex to still love them and boost their own ego. Dumpers don’t want to feel like their ex fantasizes about them day and night like an obsessed superfan. That would never make them reach out because they’d feel repulsed by their ex.

All dumpers want to know by checking up on their ex is if their ex has detached because if he or she has, that would make it safe for them to message their ex and have normal non-romantic conversations. Conversations that don’t smother, guilt-trip, or question their moral values and premeditated decisions.

So if you’re wondering, “Why is my ex checking up on me,” keep in mind that your ex wants something other than a relationship with you. Your ex wants forgiveness for hurting you, emotional support and reassurance for getting hurt, relationship benefits without commitment, or something only you can provide.

Sometimes dumpers also reach out because of boredom and curiosity. They don’t have anything better to do or anyone better to talk to, so they “bother” their ex and confuse him or her with things they don’t want or need to hear. Such dumpers don’t understand that their ex may not be ready for small talk and that they unknowingly make their ex analyze their words for hours or even days after reaching out.

How much damage conversations cause to the dumpee depends on the dumpee’s attachment to the dumper. And the dumpee’s attachment depends on how long ago the breakup happened, the self-imposed rules the dumpee follows after the breakup, how high the dumpee’s self-esteem is, and what the dumpee does to stay busy during no contact.

In this post, we’re going to talk about your ex’s reasons for checking up on you and how to tell if your ex is serious about getting back together with you or just checking up on you.

Why is my ex checking up on me?

Unfortunately, most dumpers don’t reach out to their ex to get back with their ex. They reach out merely to check up on their ex because doing so gives them the information they need to ease their guilt, worries, or boredom and enables them to live a life without regrets.

Dumpers usually don’t need their ex to move on. But every now and then, self-conscious, guilt-ridden dumpers do because they realize that they said or did something hurtful and that they need to obtain forgiveness before they can start or continue a relationship with someone else.

Some dumpers apologize soon after reaching out, but from what I see, most don’t. Most use their words selectively and through their ex’s behavior, discern if their ex has forgiven them and accepted the breakup. When they see that their ex still respects them, they then either offer their ex friendship out of courtesy or just entertain their ex for a few extra minutes (sometimes even hours) and then go silent.

More often than not, they opt to disappear because they get what they’re looking for. There’s no need for them to lurk around when they’ve already made sure their ex doesn’t hold grudges and appears to be doing well.

You see, dumpers tend to judge their ex by what they see rather than what their ex feels. They aren’t interested in going deep below the surface to find out what’s going on with their ex. And the reason for that is that dumpers are afraid of strong negative emotions and reactions. They aren’t ready for them (especially if the breakup is fresh) as they don’t know what to do with them.

That’s why they avoid asking questions that would encourage their ex to open up and tell them they’d made mistakes too.

So if you’re wondering why your ex is checking up on you and asking how you’re coping with the breakup, bear in mind that your ex likely feels guilty for hurting you. Your ex wants to give you some care and support so that you can assure your ex you’re doing fine and enable him or her to move forward with a clear conscience.

It’s also possible that your ex genuinely wants to help you. But if that’s the case, your ex will stay by your side and won’t disappear the moment you say or show you’re doing okay. Your ex will have empathy for you and not just guilt.

Pure boredom and curiosity could also be valid reasons why your ex checked up on you out of the blue. Some exes don’t know what to do with themselves after the breakup. They’re still used to conversing with their ex, so they check up on their ex to see what he or she is up to.

Of course, this doesn’t happen frequently because most dumpers want space after the breakup. They want to be left alone. But now and then, it does happen to some dumpers who view their ex in good light and think that their ex can make a good friend or even a best friend.

Such dumpers tend to have good intentions at heart, but end up causing more harm than good. And that’s because they lack the understanding that dumpees need to process the breakup first and then think about whether friendship is something they want.

You can tell your ex is checking up on you to be your friend if your ex starts acting like a concerned friend. Like someone who keeps asking how you’re doing and encourages you to reach out whenever you’d like to. That kind of behavior implies that your ex is trying to friend zone you and keep you in that zone forever.

If your ex is bored and curious about you, however, then you’ll likely see your ex ask you lots of questions. Your ex will want to know how you’re doing, how’s work, what you’re doing in your spare time, and even if you’re seeing anyone.

Your ex will want to know almost everything. Just make sure you don’t get your hopes up too quickly because there’s a difference between an ex who wants you back and a nosy ex.

And that difference is that an ex who wants you back will be hurt, regretful, and almost desperate for your recognition. He or she will want you back right away whereas a curious ex who doesn’t want you romantically will appear detached and unaffected by the breakup and the things you say.

The picture below shows why your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend is checking up on you all of a sudden.

What do I do when my ex checks up on me?

Some dumpees think they should tell their ex the truth (that they’re struggling with the breakup) and that they should guilt-trip their ex because their ex will care about them that way. But if you resort to manipulative tactics, I guarantee that you won’t make your ex care about you. All you’ll do is force your ex to help you and make him or her feel even less eager to converse with you.

Your ex will feel more like your shrink than an ex who cares about you—and that just won’t contribute to the development of feelings.

If anything, it will kill remaining feelings and all the curiosity that had built up during no contact.

That’s why I strongly suggest that you refrain from saying or doing anything that will show you’re not doing well with the breakup. Instead of throwing your own pity party, tell your ex that you’re focusing strongly on yourself that you’ve gotten back to doing things you’ve always wanted to do.

That will show you’re moving forward with your life, away from your ex, which will consequently take expectations off your ex, help your ex relax, and make your ex feel that you don’t need him or her at all. Of course, your ex won’t immediately run back to you just because you’re enjoying your life, but it will give your ex something to think about later on when your ex gets hurt and needs someone strong and reliable to rely on.

So always remember that your ex can’t fall back in love with you by seeing your desperate side. Your ex can fall in love with you if he or she sees that you’re strong and attractive and capable of handling anything life throws at you.

The best way you can show you’re strong and self-sufficient is to stay in no contact and ask your ex not to reach out when he or she contacts you. That’s how you can prove that you’re not settling for friendship and that you’ve chosen to move forward with your life rather than staying fixated on the past.

Don’t look forward to your ex checking up on you

Whether your ex checked up on you once or many times, you need to understand that this isn’t a good nor a bad sign. It’s just a sign that shows your ex respects you as a person, is curious about you, and wants to occasionally converse with you.

Some dumpees consider an ex reaching out an opportunity for them to make their ex fall in love with them and beg them back. But I can tell you right now that love doesn’t work like that. You can’t just befriend your ex, trigger your ex’s old feelings for you, and make him or her regret dumping you.

The reason for that is that dumpers form negative opinions of their ex. They create a dark image of their ex inside their head that destroys their ex’s worth and then reinforce that image with negative emotions that prevent them from repairing that image.

They could repair it if they had the will and skills to repair it, but more often than not, they can’t do it because the negative thoughts and feelings they ignored for weeks or months grew in size beyond their conscious understanding. This means that dumpers became resentful, unhappy, or miserable around their ex—and didn’t even understand why.

This is something we refer to as negative associations. It’s a negative feeling dumpers associate with the dumpee without even remembering why they feel the way they do. They just know that their dumpee makes them feel certain negative emotions and that it’s in their best interest to keep those emotions far away from them.

So how can you help your ex deal with these subconscious negative feelings?

The quick answer is that you can’t. Your ex has associated them with your persona which implies that the only person who can disassociate them is your ex. Your ex must either realize where these deep-rooted feelings came from or get so hurt and disappointed that he or she resolves them with pure determination.

It’s not very hard to resolve these associations when there’s a will. But the will must be strong enough or forced (incentivized by pain).

What if my ex is checking up on me online?

You shouldn’t know what your ex is doing, but if you somehow found out that your ex is stalking you online, you have a sign that your ex has been thinking about you. Your ex has been curious about you and wanted to see what you’ve been up to.

This is quite common. Many dumpers check their ex’s social media profile for information on their ex. Information makes them stop being curious and enables them to focus fully on themselves again.

So whatever you do, don’t mistake curiosity for romantic interest and feelings. I know that noticing your ex snoop around your profile can make you feel validated, but online stalking usually doesn’t mean much. It takes no effort and very little curiosity for an ex to check up on you.

This is true even if you’re not social media friends and your ex had to search for your profile manually.

Always remember that the dumper’s effort determines his romantic interest. The more your ex invests in you, the higher the chances that he or she actually wants to be a part of your life now and in the future.

Did this post help you understand why your ex is checking up on you? Do you have any other questions that we haven’t covered? Post them below the post.

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