Exes often reach out and go silent after the reach out. They don’t see the need to communicate and stretch things out unnecessarily because they get what they want from their ex and feel they’ve closed the chapter.
They’ve received forgiveness or have been able to forgive themselves for their mistakes or behavior, so they think there’s no need to keep talking and stay in touch. There’s no love, attraction, or attachment propelling them toward their ex, which is why they can easily stay away from their ex and focus on their new life.
Things are finally going according to plan – the way they want them to go. Peace is more important to them than an ex who doesn’t add much or any value to their life. All talking to their ex would do is force them to put themselves in a situation that smothers them and makes them crave independence.
If your ex reached out and went silent shortly after, bear in mind that your ex doesn’t want to communicate at the moment. Your ex has different priorities that are more important than talking to you and meeting up with you.
Some of those priorities include recovering from the negative breakup emotions, distracting himself/herself from the past, and spending time with friends and family who provide shelter and support and make your ex feel at peace.
These things give your ex a sense of control whereas talking to you and dealing with your questions and expectations makes your ex lose control and autonomy.
The more control and independence your ex loses, the greater the chance that he or she will feel trapped and want to avoid you like the plague.
Dumpers typically need time to heal from the breakup and engage in activities that make them happy. They don’t want anything to do with their ex (at least not for some time) unless they have kids with their ex or some kind of responsibility and unfinished business.
They’re often perfectly happy not to engage in meaningless conversation as they know that talking to their ex can bring back pain and make them react poorly to it.
So keep in mind that exes reach out for themselves and for a good reason. That reason is to obtain something only you can give them. Whether it’s forgiveness, reassurance, comfort, advice, or a sense of familiarity, they want it from you because you’re the only person in the world who can provide it to them and make them feel good.
You can help them stop worrying about their karma and allow them to move on.
The truth is that exes can be pretty selfish. They tend not to stay in touch after they’ve received the things they needed from their ex. Not when they don’t see any advantages to speaking with their ex.
And most exes don’t see any advantages.
They feel suffocated by their ex and the breakup and have no love left for their ex. That explains why they often ditch their dumpee within a few hours of reaching out. In all honesty, a conversation that lasts a few hours is considered very long and uncommon.
10 – 20 minutes of talking is much more common. It doesn’t matter how long the conversation is because it usually shows that the dumper just wanted to settle the differences and be on good terms with the dumpee.
That’s right, most dumpers reach out just to catch up and/or to alleviate their guilty conscience. Once they’ve talked for a while and cleared their conscience, they almost always abandon the conversation and make their ex wonder why they reached out if they were going to disappear.
What I’ve described is typical dumper behavior.
In the breakup world, we call such behavior breadcrumbing. Breadcrumbing shows that the dumper cares about his or her image, conscience, or well-being and that the dumper doesn’t know what he or she is doing to the dumpee.
Or if the dumpee is aware of the consequences of meaningless messages, he or she is okay with confusing the dumpee as long as he or she benefits from it.
The dumper sometimes even thinks that his or her reach outs help the dumpee accept the breakup and move on. But more often than not, all texts and calls do is make the dumpee scratch his or her head and wonder if it’s possible to fix things and get back together.
It’s almost impossible to prevent such thoughts from popping into the dumpee’s mind as the dumpee feels hopeful and excited to hear from his or her ex. The dumpee sees reach outs as opportunities to reconcile.
In this post, we discuss why your ex reached out and went silent afterward. We’ll talk about the reason dumpers lose interest after a while and why they sometimes go silent after their ex has replied to them.
My ex reached out and then went silent
If your ex reached out and then went silent, your ex showed that his or her reasons for reaching out were selfish and unimportant.
Your ex wanted to talk about something HE OR SHE wanted to talk about rather than you and completely failed to understand that the reach out was going to hurt you and cause you more problems than it was going to solve.
The reach-out not only gave you false hope but also put your brain into overdrive mode and made you analyze everything your ex said. It made you question your ex’s reasons for reaching out, your ex’s love for you, and your ex’s reasons for going silent.
The communication itself probably wasn’t bad. But because you hoped to hear from your ex and make some progress with your ex, unmanifested expectations wounded you deeply and destroyed your healing progress.
Now that you heard from your ex and saw him or her pull away shortly after, you have to understand why your ex did that. Understanding your ex’s post-breakup behavior is crucial for your recovery as it will allow you to find closure and keep you away from your ex.
If you just assume that your ex is too stubborn to carry on a conversation after he or she has reached out, you’ll most likely misunderstand your ex’s reasons for reaching out, lose your patience, and break no contact just to bother your ex and give your ex your remaining power.
That will force your ex into a tight spot and make your ex (want to) react in ways smothered people react. For you, that means unnecessary pain and suffering.
So first things first, know that your ex reached out and went silent afterward because your ex had nothing else to say to you. Your ex saw that you had no hard feelings or that you had hard feelings and that he or she couldn’t do anything about them.
Whatever your ex got from the interaction was enough for your ex to conclude that continuing to talk to you was pointless and/or counterproductive and that it made your ex feel unwanted emotions he or she had been trying to avoid.
Typical emotions dumpers don’t want to feel after the breakup are:
- anger
- frustration
- contempt
- pressure
- guilt
- doubt
- shame
- anxiety
- self-blame
- worthlessness and helplessness or not being good enough or capable of helping
Dumpers want to be in control of their breakup emotions and experiences. They want to be independent because they think they weren’t in control of their life before the breakup. That’s why they expect their ex to stay away from them and let them feel relieved, happy, and free.
If dumpees reach out or outstay their welcome after dumpers have reached out, dumpers obviously don’t like that. They feel uncomfortable, so they either leave the conversation politely, leave it angrily and impolitely, or ignore their ex and go silent.
Those who lack the energy, strength, or morals to explain why they don’t want to talk anymore tend to go silent. They want to avoid dealing with a situation they feel is meaningless and outside of their control.
So if your ex reached out and went silent soon, you need to understand that your ex is trying to stay in control of his or her emotions as well as the pace of the breakup. Your ex can’t think of any better ways to end the unwanted conversation politely (or lacks the patience to do so) and isn’t quite ready to be your friend yet.
Friends respect each other and maintain their relationships. They don’t disappear all of a sudden and make each other wonder where they went.
With that said, here are some possible reasons why your ex may have reached out and gone silent.
Your ex may have missed some parts of the relationship and wanted to re-experience them. But when your ex started talking with you, nostalgia and other cravings soon disappeared. They vanished because your ex talked to you, felt validated and reassured, and stopped seeing the need to converse with you.
He or she had other people to talk to and be with.
You see, many if not most dumpers reach out because they feel something or need something. They see their ex as the only person who can give them what they lack or want.
But the moment their curiosity, emotions, and problems are gone, they feel overprioritized again, reverse to their space-deprived selves, and want to be on their own again. That’s when they ditch their ex and focus on things and people that are more important to them.
My ex ignored me after I replied
If your ex reached out, got you to respond, and then ignored you, your ex changed his/her mind about talking to you. Your ex figured that he or she already got what he/she needed and that further communication would be unnecessary.
It would make your ex feel something he or she doesn’t want to feel.
What changed between your ex’s reach out and your reply is anyone’s guess. But something or someone obviously affected your ex’s want or need to converse.
Maybe the reason your ex reached out was that your ex was curious about you. But when your ex gave it some thought, your ex soon realized that talking to you was unnecessary and that it could encourage you to reach out in the near future and cause additional problems.
Or perhaps your ex reached out because he or she had an argument with someone new and wanted to feel better. But by the time you responded, your ex may have already patched things up with his or her partner and discerned that he or she doesn’t need to talk to you to feel understood, cared for, and respected.
Your ex just has to talk to his or her boyfriend or girlfriend.
Something situational likely caused your ex to reach out and ignore you after you’ve replied. Something that first inspired your ex to reach out and then made your ex ignore you.
It’s possible that your ex:
- wanted your advice or support and then got it elsewhere
- wanted to see how you were doing but soon realized it didn’t matter
- felt lonely, bored, drunk, or emotional, but it didn’t last long
- experienced some kind of problem and reached out, but soon discerned it was unfair to his/her new partner
When your ex ignores you for any reason at all, your ex shows that he or she isn’t ready to talk about the things that matter to you (reconciliation). Your ex is still focusing on moving forward and enjoying the post-breakup freedom.
If you try to force your ex to pay attention to you, you’ll most likely trigger your ex’s desire for space and get ignored again. When you see that your ex doesn’t care about you in ways you want him or her to care, you could feel rejected again and spiral into a terrible depression.
You could lose so much hope that your self-esteem takes a huge toll and makes you experience suicidal thoughts.
What to do when your ex goes silent?
When your ex reaches out and goes silent, don’t think that your ex has forgotten about you. Dumpers don’t forget the people they’ve dumped. They certainly don’t forget that their ex has messaged them and that it’d be fair and polite to reply.
The thing with dumpers is that they don’t want to reply. Because of their negative perception of their ex, they want to stay away from their ex and continue to experience post-breakup freedom.
Freedom makes them happy whereas conversations with their ex box them in and scare them. They tell them that their ex could say or do something they’re not ready for and make them experience the kind of emotions they felt prior to the breakup.
So if your ex reached out and then went silent shortly after, know that your ex reached out too soon. He or she likely isn’t emotionally capable of having a conversation with you. Even if your ex is ready, he or she isn’t ready to talk about the relationship and get back with you.
You’ll know your ex is ready when your ex talks to you of his/her own accord and wants to see you as soon as possible. That will indicate that your ex is interested in you again and that your ex is looking for a way to reconnect and have a heart-to-heart conversation with you.
While you’re waiting for that to happen, don’t double-text and ask your ex why he or she hasn’t gotten back to you. If your ex didn’t reply, your ex doesn’t want to explain himself or herself to you. Your ex wants to keep things the way they are and not worry about you or the breakup.
All you can do in the meantime is give your ex enough space and time to reply. It’s hard to say when your ex will finally be receptive and respond, but when he or she does, at least you’ll know that your ex did it voluntarily.
Did your ex reach out and then went silent? What were some of the things you guys talked about? As always, let us know in the comments below. We’d love to hear your story.
However, if you’re looking for breaking coaching and want to talk to us about it alone, visit our coaching page to learn more about our services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
my boyfriend broke up with me in the heat of the moment. I tried to talk to him for a day and he wouldnt talk and thats when I confessed I was pregnant. he spoke to me and said if i needed any help with the abortion he will be there. I went into no contact, in the meantime had a holiday too. i did not contact him when i had the aboortion too. after 6 weeks he contacted me saying if i wanted some of the things i gave him. i responded back and i also showed him the scan from the abortion. he called to say he has been so depressed over this time etc. i said i didnt want to cause him any stress and left him alone but im doing fine and im trying to move on. he sounded abit angry i said that. i called him back and asked can we work on us and get back together to which he responded saying no it wont work and asked me to leave him alone. not sure what was going on there. any suggestions?
Hi Sarah.
He just wanted to talk, not get back together. He was probably curious about you and hoped to get some kind of reaction out of you. You mustn’t ask him to get back together anymore. You mustn’t speak with him either. Next time he reaches out, tell him you need space and wish him the best of luck. This will show you’re not waiting and that he can’t be your friend and treat you any way he wants.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi,
Me and my ex broke up 2 months ago. I have been in no contact since 6 weeks now. Even though I push myself to be the best version of myself, not looking at the pictures of the two of us, doing nice stuff with friends, looking after my own physical and mental health. I still feel really sad. We were together for 2 years and i still feel like this wasn’t the way. 6 months before the break up my ex told me he was doubting, he thought there were too many arguments and all of them were my fault. Since that moment he confessed his doubts a few times again, always saying that i just needed to be less angry. Even though we did not had a lot of arguements in my perspective, we had a strong connection in my belief. 4 days before the break-up, we just came back from holiday, he told me he felt depressed for already a year. His days were dark and filled with emptyness. He cried a lot and said he didn’t understand the value of life anymore. We had a good conversation and thought about seeking help for him. 3 days later he cancelled our holiday by text and the next day he broke up. He didn’t see a future anymore and we never had a proper connection regarding to him.
After two painful weeks I started no contact. after two weeks into no contact he reached out about a personal item of mine that he put into my mailbox. i said thank you and continued no contact. After a week he reached out again, he wanted to talk and divide stuff and wanted to know how i was holding up. we had a small conversation and he told me he would give me a text back when he will pick his stuff up (one of his most important books is still at my house). He hasn’t reached contact after.. I am really confused why he doesn’t reach out to get his stuff. I offered to mail it to him, but he was really sure he wanted to pick it up and have a small conversation..
Really curious about which one of the terms my ex would be considering the article.
Hi Maddy.
It looks like depression is one of the reasons he left the relationship. Another reason is arguments and unhappiness with the relationship in general. He convinced himself you were responsible for his problems and feelings and decided to distance hismelf from you.
He probably doesn’t reach out to talk about his stuff because he dreads the conversation. The thought of talking about it makes him feel uncomfortable, so he avoids it for now.
Rest assured that he’ll reach out to talk about his stuff when he’s ready and if he wants to.
Best regards,
Zan
yes, in the end this was a golden opportunity for me Zan
i wanted to set clear borders with her family months now and this accidental SMS made the deal breaker or paved the way for me finally making it clear to them:
i will not be there for favors to them, i may have done so much within a relationship and of course during marriage
But since i was cheated upon and filed for divorce, it is now time for them to realize and my ex wife also mostly,
you will not have me aside for helping you out in your life issues other than those related to our kid.
Even her folks kept close in social media ( i had her blocked a year now for my own protection ) as if they were partially guilty, partially interested, partially curious and partially just used to seeing how i go on with my life.
While this was ok in the beginning as i also wanted them to see my son was having a great time with me during those father and son days … in the end it became clear to me this is not going to last
why should they see pictures of me settling with another woman or having good times with new people around me.
This distress SMS showed me what to do: block block and keep on without further ado.
It has been a hell of year trying to become fully independent with housework, cooking, keeping the kid almost half days and also working. securing alimonly payments, income, career, solving family issues with my elder parents, as well as working out, becoming by far healthier and a better version of me that people have trouble understanding i achieved doing so in an year or less
So cutting off and making it clear this is not possible to lean to me for favors when you ditched me like we had been dating in high school or even kindergarten
This is the treatment i got after 24 years with that woman and the fact her folks may feel guilty a bit is no longer my concern
I decided to let go despite them keeping up and holding tight.
I will not lean to their support, ever. Only for the kid.
Hi Nick.
You and your kid are your priority now. Forget about the people who don’t contribute to your lives and/or make it worse. Now’s the time to focus on things that truly matter. I know it’s not easy to do so many things at once, but remember that staying busy is benefiting your life. It’s helping you take your mind off your ex and allowing you to heal. You’re trying to regain control after the breakup, so you get to decide if you want to show others what you’re up to. You don’t owe people anything.
Just make sure to rely on your family and friends from time to time so as to avoid burning out. You won’t be of much help if you get sick.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey,
Would reaaaaally like to have your comment.. I need to stop doing mistakes 😵💫
We broke up 4months ago. He broke up with me – I agreed, he was like confused, but at the end I said, that “pls, dont text me anymore in any way”.. Had LDR, but originally he is from the same country as me. In relationship we both made a lot of mistakes and damage to each other, but still it was very strong connection. Relationship lasted 1.5y.
Since day 1 of the break up we never contacted each other in any way, I blocked him on messenger, deleted his contacts from everywhere, because I tried to move on, but at the same time I was thinking of him every day..
Time to time I was checking his social media, because he was still left our pictures in public.. also we had our “initials” were ment “us”..he was putting it as his name on his insta or whatsapp.. also, after 3 month I have changed my profile picture – and he changed his directly as well (he was never active on doing this), so it seemed that he got also triggered by my actions..
so after those 4months I lost it.. needed to have that closure, because it felt that “maybe we are still not done”. I unblocked him and texted him.. It was in friendly way, but I said, that I can’t keep it, I wishing him all the best, doesn’t matter where he is, with whom he is, but it passed a lot of time and I haven’t any bad feeling anymore, happy upcoming celebrations and bye.. He read. Hasn’t replied, but at the same day he deleted all our pictures, were was still keeping in public.
Then I got urge again 😬 (f**cking hell🙄😃🙈) text him like: don’t be angry on me, it was a lot for us both, it really passed a lot of time, dont be angry anymore.. I’m sorry, if I bring negative emotions to you, I not gonna fo that anymore”… he read that and texted me back next day just: “most of it was my fault (big time)” and thats it..
After one day I replied to this to him: “I take half of it, to me is much more important to have peace, cant bring the same to next year.. at the end of the day I cared dearly, suppressed a lot got to let it go somehow you know”, and then deleted for myself all the convo to dont look did he read etc.. but few days passed and no any answer.. later all after maybe 4-5 days I texted: “are you okay? Just tell me this.. if you are ignoring me, thats okay, but I also thinking, maybe something happened to you? Let me calm and speak with me, after that we can stay again strangers if its the best for you like this..
No reply, no even reading anymore.. he doesnt block, doesnt do anything.. now also not reading😵💫
what should I do? i know, that I should stay again in no contact, but it feels like I touch my own wound and now ots bleeding from this rejection.. Maybe I came to him with not clear message, but what should I do? What do you advice or what do you think? So weird situation..
Thank you very much! Happy upcoming NY!
Stay in no contact and move on. Revisiting it all the time is hurting you more. You need to give him and you space to breathe
Hi Sandra.
You’ve reached out and had your expectation crushed. The guy clearly hadn’t made the emotional progress you wanted him to make, so he didn’t respond. The only thing left to do is to leave him to his devices and focus on yourself. Spend a lot of time with friends and family and grow your self-esteem. He needs to see that you’re not going to chase him and empower him.
It sucks, but right now, you’re powerless. You have to regain your power by staying in indefinite no contact and letting him realize your worth/reach out. You can’t be the one to do all the work. It’s only going to make things worse.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex reached out after a month of no contact (she had monkey branched to another dude). We spoke on the phone for four hours (we had a long distance relationship for three years – we live in different states). It was an enjoyable conversation, lots of laughs, etc. No talk of the break up or future plans, or potential future relationship. I asked her to come and visit for a few days, she said she would get back to me and then….nothing. That was at the start of October. I assume that whatever happened with the monkey branch dude or any issues they were having was resolved and I was thrown to the trash again. I don’t care. 80 days of NC later, I’m feeling okay. I miss her but I will never chase someone who doesn’t want me in their life. And she clearly does not. I don’t want any kind of relationship with her moving forward. If she reaches out again, I’m going to ignore her. Life is too short for that rubbish.
Hi Dave.
Your ex didn’t reach out to fix things and get back together. he just wanted to check up on you and see how you were doing. Let this be a lesson to you not to invite the dumper out. If she wants you back, bear in mind that she’ll do all the work you need her to do. She’ll fix everything.
Stay in no contact indefinitely and ask her not to contact you next time she reaches out.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex didn’t contact me after going on no contact. but i’m so glad about it now when i think about it. Because then i would analyze everything in microscopic ways.
But thank you for this article San ❤️
That’s right, Linda.
I always thought you were lucky. Good thing he stayed away and let you heal!
Zan
Ok, i will send here one of the funniest things you could read sitewide …
my ex has covid and i have our kid this week. she is supposedly (?) positive today and i am about to return our son to her in two days ….
and i get an emergency SMS by her a couple hours later … out on some club partying with her boyfriend (?) or friends when she is allegedly positive those days … it is an android distress signal
and she had my as emergency contact so the distress came to me ???
I did not know what to do first, cry or laugh hard … in the end hard laughter won
i even told her to be careful with any nude pics she would send to me like she did with her boyfriend when she cheated on me last January ….
groundbreaking right ?
there was surely a karma aura in that accidental SMS i got tonight … i mean, i even asked her folks and her openly:
which is the parent i am raising this kid with ?
the one that has covid indeed and yet is out partying even as tested positive ?
or the one that is allegedly positive and maybe saying so to extend her vacation while i keep on babysitting during new year eve ?
Hi yourforum.
I’m not sure what to say other than that she’s immature and irresponsible. She’s in no hurry to pick up her son. Clearly, she has other priorities.
It’s been a while since you posted, so I hope you sorted things out with her and that you don’t argue with her. You won’t change her and neither should you try.
Kind regards,
Zan