In terms of healing and getting yourself back, the no contact rule always works. Its success rate is over 99.9% as most people recover and find happiness again. They get over their ex and learn to love themselves.
As for getting your ex back when your ex is seeing someone else, there’s no guarantee that no contact will work. Sometimes exes don’t come back because they can’t find a reason to come back. They keep seeing their ex in poor or average light and as a result, stay committed to the new person or the person after that.
You have to understand that the no contact rule isn’t a manipulation technique, capable of forcing your ex to fall back in love with you. Even though dumpees usually see it that way (especially those who just got dumped), its primary objective is to help you detach and get over your ex.
And because it helps you detach and regain your composure, it just so happens that it also makes the biggest impact on your ex. It tells your ex that you’re happy being single and that you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself and those you care about.
That is very attractive as it exudes self-confidence and gives your ex the time and freedom to enjoy life and ponder about you when he or she is lonely, bored, or curious. Since your ex is the dumper, you need to understand that your ex doesn’t think about you as much as you think about him/her. Your ex would have to be in a lot of pain to obsess about you and lose sleep over it.
But even if your ex doesn’t think about you day and night, no contact will still slowly take your ex’s power away and enable your ex to progress through the dumper stages at the pace that is comfortable for your ex.
Bear in mind that the no contact rule can work if your ex is seeing someone else. But the extent to which it works depends on your ex’s perceptions of you and understanding of himself/herself.
For example, if your ex considers no contact a friendly gesture and appreciates the space you’re providing, your ex could secretly admire your self-reliance and attach some positive thoughts and emotions to your persona.
Your ex could slowly become nostalgic and start to miss the times when the relationship was at its peak.
But if your ex is underdeveloped, feels wronged, and perceives your silence as a threat to his or her ego, then the contact rule likely won’t work. Your ex will probably get angry with you and maybe even try to get back at you by trying to ruin your reputation.
All in all, the success of the no contact rule when your ex is seeing someone else depends on:
- how you portray yourself (how many post-breakup mistakes you make)
- how your ex perceives you
- and how developed your ex is as a person
In this post, we’ll answer the question, “Does no contact work if your ex is seeing someone else?” We’ll also share some useful tips on how to get the most out of no contact.
Does no contact work if your ex is seeing someone else?
If you’re having doubts about no contact, know that there is no better method for getting your ex back from another man or woman than no contact. No contact is the king of breakup plans as it makes the strongest impression on your ex. It tells your ex that you know what he or she needs and that you won’t sacrifice your health and happiness for someone who won’t do the same for you.
Therefore, the only way you should get your ex back is by preserving your worth and letting your ex come to you on his or her own terms.
Any other strategy likely won’t work (or work that well) because it will pester your ex and meddle with his or her new relationship. Remember that your ex wants to date the new person and invest time, money, and emotions into that person.
If you interfere with your ex’s wish to bond with the new person, your ex won’t appreciate that very much. Your ex will most likely feel trapped and disrespected and show you a side of him or her that you didn’t know existed.
Your ex could ignore you, get angry with you, turn cold on you, or block your number. There’s no telling what your ex could do because everyone reacts differently to smothering emotions.
But I can almost guarantee that your ex will feel unwanted emotions and feel a strong need to distance himself or herself from you. That’s how your ex will stop feeling undesirable emotions and experience more positive ones.
So if you don’t believe in the power of no contact and want to get your ex back in any way that doesn’t involve giving your ex space, know that you’re setting yourself up for failure.
You’re thinking of acting on your anxiety, fears, and insecurities rather than being patient and understanding about it.
What you need is to remind yourself that no contact can work if your ex is seeing someone else. It’s probably working already, but you don’t see that it’s working because you’re fixated on the end result – on getting your ex back.
Before that happens, your ex needs to realize that the new relationship isn’t making him or her happy. And the only way your ex can realize that is if you distance yourself from your ex and let your ex face the consequences of his or her actions.
With that said, here 6 things your ex needs for no contact to work on him or her.
I know that you’re afraid of seeing your ex dating someone else and that you’re in immense pain. But pain and cravings, unfortunately, aren’t acceptable excuses to pester your ex to come back and give you another chance.
Any kind of begging, reasoning, and befriending your ex will only push your ex further away and force you to experience more feelings of rejection.
So don’t contemplate getting your ex back by annoying your ex. Don’t do it in any of the following ways:
- breaking no contact
- apologizing to an ex
- competing with your ex’s new partner
- using text your ex back guides
- using spells to get your ex back
- calling your ex out for his or her behavior
- arguing with your ex
- reaching out after 30 days
- dating someone new and flaunting your new relationship
- excessively posting on social media
- befriending your ex
- or doing anything that depicts low confidence and low self-esteem
No contact can work but you have to forget about it
No contact rule is effective in many ways, but before it can manifest the results you’re hoping for, weeks, months, or sometimes even years have to go by.
This is because time doesn’t do much for your ex. Sure, if your ex feels smothered, angry, or disappointed, time (giving your ex some space) can help your ex cool off a bit. It can give your ex what your ex asked for and make him or her happy and distracted from issues of the past.
But time alone doesn’t improve your ex’s thinking/behavioral patterns, perceptions, and overall maturity.
You have to understand that dumpers don’t change much with the passage of time. They’re in a position of power and total control of their lives, so they remain comfortable with the way they are.
What makes dumpers regret breaking up with their exes is experience. Experience from living their lives without their exes and getting in some kind of trouble.
Most of the time, it’s the negative experiences that force dumpers to learn and improve themselves—as negative experiences create the strongest emotional incentives. Negative occurrences shock, hurt, and educate dumpers, and enable them to become self-aware, open-minded, and self-reflective.
And that’s essentially what time in no contact does. It allows your ex to neglect self-growth and experience a catastrophic failure due to a lack of self-investment.
So if you’re still wondering, “Does no contact work if your ex is seeing someone else,” know that it does work. But before it can work, you have to give your ex’s relationship time to blossom so that your ex and his or her new partner can encounter relationship difficulties.
When they encounter problems, they won’t necessarily break up on the spot (not unless they’re in a rebound relationship). They’ll probably fight for the relationship and try to resolve their differences.
If you expect them to break up just because your relationship was healthy and fulfilling for the most part, you could be waiting a long time for that to happen. You could put your life on hold and hope that they break up even though they want to make the relationship work.
That’s why you must understand that you’ll be much less hopeful and happier in general if you accept that their relationship has nothing to do with the past (you) and that they need to get to know each other before no contact can have the desired effect on them.
They need to encounter problems because the way couples handle issues defines the success of their relationship.
You shouldn’t observe your ex and wait for your ex’s new relationship to fail
If your ex left you for someone else or got involved with someone shortly after the breakup, you don’t need to keep an eye on your ex. Knowing what your ex does and what his or her new relationship is like won’t give you an advantage over your ex’s new partner and in getting your ex back.
It will just make you obsessed with your ex/ex’s new partner and make your healing extremely volatile.
You have to remember that keeping tabs on your ex counts as a breach of no contact. It may not be the worst post-breakup mistake out there, but it’s still a mistake that hurts your self-esteem and affects your well-being.
Some people suggest that you should wait for your ex to become vulnerable (encounter issues in the relationship) and strike while the iron is hot, but that’s not true. Even if your ex gets dumped and feels depressed, contacting your ex during a low point in life won’t make your ex fall back in love with you.
For love to redevelop, your ex must first reflect on his or her life and improve the way he or she perceives you. Only then can your ex grow respect for you, acknowledge your worth, and take the initiative to talk to you.
If you reach out to your ex first and make the job easy for your ex, chances are that you’ll interrupt your ex’s reflection process. You’ll stop your ex’s suffering which as I mentioned earlier, is your ex’s motivation for growth. That will make you into someone your ex can rely on for emotional support without giving much in return.
So let your ex deal with his or her problems and focus on yourself. I’m sure you have plenty of your own issues to address while your ex is dating the new person.
Does no contact work if your ex is with someone else and hates you?
If your ex is with someone else and hates you, no contact can still affect your ex. It can help your ex process his or her resentment and prepare your ex for some kind of negative experience to wound him or her.
Before you get too excited, though, you have to know that this doesn’t happen all the time.
Many hateful dumpers have an extremely difficult time disassociating negative emotions from their exes because they feel victimized. Deep inside, they feel that their exes don’t deserve forgiveness and that they should suffer for mistreating them. That’s why they often stay angry and resentful for months or years.
Such dumpers cling to the injustice that was done to them and extract anger from it. This is how they protect themselves from pain, stay in control of their lives, and make certain that their perceptions of their exes remain unchanged.
If your ex is angry with you, know that you don’t have a choice but to leave your ex alone. No contact may not necessarily work on your ex if your ex is seeing someone else, but that doesn’t mean that talking to your ex will have a higher chance of reattracting your ex.
Conversing with your ex will most likely remind your ex about your negative traits and force your ex to relive the emotions he or she associated with you.
Does no contact work months later?
One of the most common questions I get is if no contact can work 2, 3, or 5 months later.
The answer is yes.
No contact can work after many months because pulling away from your unreceptive ex can make the dumper experience life without you. It can make your ex enjoy life at first, and later (when your ex gets hurt), force him or her to lean on you for support.
That’s when your ex can finally have an epiphany and start treating you as an equal.
Keep in mind that no contact applies to every situation you can think of. It applies to dumpees who were:
- insecure
- disrespectful
- abusive
- lazy
- unreliable
- unambitious
- conceited
- self-absorbed
- unfaithful
- uncommitted
- dishonest
- immature
- or in any way shape or form, not ready for a relationship
Whether you should start no contact or not is not a matter of what you were like during the relationship. Throughout the relationship, you had hundreds if not thousands of chances to improve yourself and prove your worth.
But now that the breakup transpired, you have nothing else to prove to your ex. You are who you are—and that’s how your ex will remember you for a while.
The only way your ex can change his or her mind about you is if your ex rationally discerns that you’re a good dating option or emotionally feels that he or she loves you or needs you.
So back off for now and improve the parts of your life that need improving. It’s not certain that your ex will give you another chance after no contact, but that doesn’t mean that you should beg for love and refuse to learn from your mistakes.
If you ask me, you should do everything in your power to forget about your ex now that your ex is with someone else and make sure to never make the same mistakes again.
No contact may not work on your ex but it will work for you
In the end, you’ll get what’s best for you. You’ll either reunite with your ex and get another chance with the person you love or you’ll recover from the pain and move on with someone else.
Right now, you’re hurting, so you don’t see that you want your ex back solely because of the pain your ex has caused you. But as time goes on and your self-love and passion for life return, that will quickly change.
You’ll no longer wonder if no contact works on an ex who’s dating someone else because you’ll have more important things to worry about. Things that have nothing to do with your ex and everything with you.
Believe me that a day of complete detachment will come. It may not be in a month or even 3 months from now. But one day (hopefully soon), you’ll realize that you haven’t thought about your ex in a while and that you’re finally happy.
That’s when you’ll emotionally and intelligently comprehend that no contact has done wonders for you and that it’s your ex’s loss, not yours.
So invest time and energy into detachment and learn about relationships so that you can get over the breakup and become an even better romantic partner to someone who deserves you.
What do you think? Does no contact work if your ex is seeing someone else and appears to be happy? Share your thoughts below the post.
And also, if you prefer to discuss things 1-on-1, click here to see our coaching plans.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
“But if your ex is underdeveloped as a person, feels wronged, and perceives your silence as a threat to his or her ego, then the contact rule likely won’t work.” Or, y’know, if they don’t need nor want you into their life. For example, if I discovered that someone cheated on me, I really wouldn’t want them into my life. That doesn’t make me undeveloped or even angry or holding a grudge, just sensible. I wouldn’t smear them either, just tell factually what happened if asked.
“All in all, the success of the no contact rule when your ex is seeing someone else depends on:
how you portray yourself (how many post-breakup mistakes you commit)
and how your ex perceives you (how developed your ex is as a person)” That’s not about how developed your ex is, but how you behave. All perception is based on that. Nothing more, nothing less.
“It can make your ex enjoy life at first, and later (when your ex gets hurt and has an epiphany), force him or her to lean on you for support.” First of all, that assumes that your ex gets hurt. Obviously a lot of the time that doesn’t happen. Secondly, hurt doesn’t necessarily provoke epiphanies and there’s no reason why they’d come to their ex for emotional support instead of, y’know, their actual support network (people tend to have friends and family, so there is no need for them to go the person they dumped, especially if it’s been a long time). Lastly, forcing someone to lean on you for support borders on abuse, since it points to isolating someone from other people who could help them, unless they’re literally that lonely, in which case it’s unethical but not illegal.
Hi Clevr.
Wouldn’t you agree that a person’s perceptions depend on his maturity (the things that happened to him, the things he thought because of the things that happened, and the actions he took)? People are way more complex than you think. It’s not just how you behave but how a person thinks.
And also, pain and failure definitely provoke epiphanies. Not always, but more often than anything else. Let me know what you think.
Best regards,
Zan
The other guy made a valid point that you didn’t admit to. You also lied to your listeners saying that “No Contact” does work – as an overall broad stroke statement. In reality, it is subjective and does not always work in either case. The wisest thing to do is to come to terms with your ex seeing or choosing to be with someone else, regardless if it’s a “rebound” or genuine. As mentioned elsewhere, I thank my ex finally letting me go because it lead indirectly to my meeting my husband Frank. My husband is my life and soul. If someone is at that mature level of peace, as devastating as it may be for the dumpee – it gives one the chance to also develop their maturity to come to terms with or accept their ex’s decision and even wish them well and in the long run continue to remain true platonic friends with no other ulterior motive and respects their ex’s Godly spouse. However, not everyone either chooses or gets to that high level of maturity or peace. Hopefully, more people will choose and/or manage to get to that level without ego stroking, lying, trying to create jealousy, or worse. I speak from personal experience. I wish you would tell the full truth more. It is a disservice to your listeners and God hates liars.
To play devils advocate, define maturity for me, what behaviors are directly correlated with maturity?
By mature i assume you mean a logical person, well then you can go down that rabbit hole too, whats a mature person etc.. Your experience is subjective just like any one else’s. And if you pay attention to the articles enough, they are “theoretically” based.
One can also assume based on this logic that if a person knows whats “good” and “bad” and morale then one can conceive that person knows they hurt someone by leaving them. Its when that person themselves experiences that unique pain that they will realize what their ex went through. To me, thats maturity and hence the growth you are talking about. The articles represent that in my opinion
He never states life doesn’t go on without your ex or all that matters is what happens between you and your ex. I think a lot of people naturally have questions like Zan presents though. Like why did this happen and why wouldn’t they work things out and whats on their mind etc etc… To think people just “move on” to the love of their life like you did is foolish. Many people aren’t that lucky so they resort to these questions and seek answers. Zan does a good job at explaining those answers in a concise psychological/behavioral and relatable way.
Thank you for this very helpful article!
I am also in NC and I’ve breached it twice so far and felt absolutely shattered each time. Now I intend to stick with it. The most difficult thing for me is not checking her social media…not checking it feels like something that requires superhuman strength…
Hi Joe.
Thanks for commenting.
Resisting the temptation to check social media is one of the hardest things ever. If deleting social media doesn’t help because her profiles are public, make a plan on how long you have to go without checking up on her.
You can make it a week at first and then gradually increase it. It’s super important that you stick with the plan and work on yourself in the meantime. Know that it gets easier with time.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thanks a lot for the advice!
I really like the idea of gradually increasing the time between checking her social media. This sounds like something I can implement.
Best regards,
Joe
You’re welcome, Joe.
Let me know if you make any progress or if something else gives you trouble.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks again, Zan!
There is in fact something else. I’m not checking her social media as obsessively as I used to, so there is some progress. However, the last time I did, I noticed that her new bf talks to a handful of other women (and no one else as far as I can tell) on Twitter (and she knows about this). Occasionally, these conversations are flirtatious.
Judging from her social media she’s not happy and I do know that she’s under a lot of pressure (some of the reasons are that she’s not financially independent and that she’s trying to pass an important exam). I do think, however, that she is in love with him and that he’s capable of giving her moments of happiness in spite of the massive red flag of him talking to these other women at least for the moment. At the same time, I think it’s likely that this relationship is going to make her unhappy longterm and will fail.
However, I know I can’t just wait for her and hope she will come back to me. She seems to be genuinely in love with him. Also, she has had a long time to move on. I broke up with her in January because I couldn’t take being in a long-distance relationship and because I have commitment issues.
Now, she still wants to talk to me and I asked her not to contact me unless it’s important. I guess she will contact me again at some point to tell me about something important that’s happened in her life (like the exam I mentioned), because I (mistakenly, I guess?) told her it’s okay for me if she does that. My question is this: Do you think I should just continue working on myself, not contacting her, trying to move on and thus tell her nothing has changed on my end — I still have feelings for her and don’t want to be friends — or should I try to be friends with her? Especially so in case her bf turns out to be someone who is bad for her (but then what could I possibly say that doesn’t drive her closer to him…). I’m pretty sure the correct answer to that is NOOOOO, right? But then what can I do to signal to her that I’m working on the issues that made me unwilling to commit before, that I am improving more generally, that I’m still interested etc.
Sorry for the long message! I really look forward to reading you reply!
Hi Joe.
You have to figure out why you want to be with your ex now. Is it because she’s with someone else and makes you jealous or because you’ve resolved your commitment issues and genuinely think she’s the best person for you.
If it’s the former, you shouldn’t contact her because you won’t be able to commit. But if it’s the latter, contact her and tell her how you feel. You could get rejected, but at least you’ll know whether she still has feelings for you and wants you back despite her being with someone else.
If she says no, then you have to go back to ask her not to contact you and go indefinite no contact.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, thank you for you reply!
I have worked on my commitment issues and want to be with her.
I told her I still had feelings for her two months ago, but she had already moved on (after waiting for me for half a year, can’t blame her). I went into no contact after that. She still likes me and wants to be friends, but is not in love with me. I think her love for her new boyfriend is genuine. Like I wrote above, his behavior (especially that he is constantly trying to make her jealous) is raising red flags — but even if he turns out to be toxic and she leaves him at some point, who knows when that would be. I’m not going to wait for years.
So, I am in indefinite no contact now and I guess my question is, 1. what do I do to signal to her (without contacting her) that I am living my life and improving. (I have already told her that I am working on my commitment issues btw.)
And 2. what do I do when she contacts me. She will probably do so soon. Do I just tell her nothing has changed on my end, that I still have feelings for her and don’t want to be contacted? Do I talk to her when she contacts me but don’t actively contact her?
I suppose my hope is the antics of her boyfriend and the memory of her love for me (I broke up with her btw) will somehow be enough for her to leave him and come back…but I really don’t want to get my hope up. So I’m trying to move on while managing this on the side…
Thanks again, Zan.
Joe
Hi Joe.
If you already expressed your feelings to her and she rejected you, you have to stay in indefinite no contact. It’s the only thing you can do because now you’ve become the dumpee.
To signal that you’re moving on and improving yourself, leave her alone and focus on meaningful things that prove you’re contributing to something or someone other than yourself. Do something selfless and post it on social media.
As for what you do when she contacts you, that depends on what her message contains. If it’s about something unimportant, you can politely ask her not to message you anymore. But if she shows interest and wants to see you, figure out why she wants to hang out all of a sudden and go from there.
Best regards,
Zan
This is the most real site going for breakups..tells it like it is and not some scam to get your ex back. After 5 and a half years mine left for another guy, she was an addict, i havent ever touched drugs, i hung in there thru rehab and many ups and downs, she was a great girl other than the addiction.. the final relapse which was 2 months ago, i said i cant do this anymore, well my Ex showed up at a family dinner 3 days later with a new guy, she had been talking to him for weeks before but “claims” she didnt hang out until after we broke. Still was a shot in the chest. we had no contact for the first 3 weeks, then just short few word texts here and there, saw her once at her work, and had a few phone calls. She apologized and we went thru all the things that happened, she says its not easy for her even though shes with another guy, she still thinks of me and some days for her are harder than others, she even started to cry a little..as for me the weight of bricks id gone from my chest now but im still sad and think of her everyday even though i shouldnt cause she is with another..but i know alot of it is the addiction, and she is still doing it today, the new guy does drugs with her so me and family believe thats why she moved on in this rebound with him..i was pushing for sobriety and meetings and she just didnt want to do it. Her family said i was the best guy in her life by far, addiction is a heartbreaker, especially when they dont want to get better. very pretty girl, threw away me and alot of her life already.
Hi Rob.
I’m sorry to hear about the hard times you’re going through.
Your ex probably got a new guy shortly after the breakup to rely on him for support. The guy is in the same boat with her, meaning that her hard life is far from over. It’s sad, but he’ll probably be a bad influence her.
I wish you a fast recovery.
Zan
It’s been almost a year now. I’ve initiated NC multiple times, and she would always contact me after 2-3 weeks for absolutely no reason. We would engage in small talk and it would eventually lead to me saying that i’d like to meet up and see where it can lead. She would refuse everytime, saying she considered me as a friend. This set me back to the begining of the healing process every single time.
Been in strict NC for almost 4 months now, last time we spoke I told her to not contact me unless she was serious about giving us a 2nd chance. Believe me, it has been a rough ride, and even after a year I still feel the pain. This week I’ve had a moment of weakness and went in her social media to see what she was up to, only to find out she has been putting online some photos of very special moments that we had together. This nearly shattered me. I’m not sure what to take away from this. I’ve been asking myself, “Is that a good sign? Is NC working?” But in reality, all it made me do is obsess over my ex and wish that she would come back
Believe me when I say that Zan is right, looking at your ex’s social media counts as a NC break, because it resets your healing process. I’ve been feeling so low since then, trying to find a way to cheer myself up..
Were you left for someone elee?
I try to not look too much into it, but I believe so, yes. What about you?
Yup after almost 10 years she left me last August. I was addicted to adderall and depressed for 3 years which disconnected us completely physically and emotionally. I got clean 2 weeks before the breakup but little did i know she had been going on walks by herself when some player approached her and filled the void. I didnt find out about the other guy until the day after the breakup when i saw them.
This guy is a little out there past history of drugs n what not but like i said hes a player and knows how to play on a vulnerable girl.
This was both of our first everything (relationship).
She sorta came back in October but i blew that by being impatient and pestering her and jealousy. That pushed her right back to him.
Im pretty sure he has rejected a relationship with her at some point but she is still obseessed with the dude.
We ran into each other a few weeks ago after 45 days NC and she agreed to hangout that weekend. We got stoned, snacked out and laughed a lot. I kept my composure and we didnt talk about us or anything and just had a good time.
Talked to her on the phone a couple times and kept it light and recently asked if shed like to go to a rage room to break stuff and have fun. She said she couldnt two weekends ago and then this past weekend said she was hanging with her mom but “maybe a different weekend!!”.
Sooooo yeah..
Whoops didnt think my first reply posted so sorry for the duplicate.
I feel you man. Hardest part for me is just accepting the fact that everything just stopped being how it was, and that kt was all sudden. You keep replaying scenarios in your head, so mich that it becomes an obsession.
Accepting the fact that it is over means for me to accept the fact that this person will forever disappear from my life. At some point you have to come to reality, but on the inside some parts of me still want to hang on the past.
Its been almost a year and I still can’t let go on the inside, even if ‘m not breaking NC. Like if I don’t want to heal because it would mean that its okay for her to do this to me
Not sure if i’m making much sense
I can say that your articles, help and NC helped me get out of my breakup.
And yes now I even forget that I’m in NC.
I have put a lot of energy on detachment and reading a lot about e relationships/breakups helped me move on.
Always so grateful for your help Zan!
Hi Linda.
I’m glad the articles have helped. Stay strong and keep learning.
Zan