I Still Have Feelings For My Ex But I’m In A Relationship

If you’re in a relationship but still have feelings for your ex, you long your ex for one of three reasons.

1. You haven’t let go of your ex and rebounded.
2. You’ve let go of your ex but aren’t happy with your partner.
3. Or you’ve let go of your ex but aren’t happy with yourself (depressed).

Whatever the case may be, you still have feelings for your ex and need to do something about it. You either have to get over your ex completely and give your partner everything you’ve got or break up with your partner and take some time to heal.

Of course, you can also get back with your ex. But you can do that only if you dumped your ex and not vice versa. If your ex dumped you and made you obsessed with him or her, your ex likely won’t take you back. He or she will probably reject you and make your withdrawal and self-esteem worse.

So if you still have feelings for your ex but you’re in a relationship, know that there are a lot of factors to consider, starting with:

• who dumped who (are you the dumpee or the dumper)?
• how much time has passed since you moved on to your new boyfriend or girlfriend?
• what kind of a relationship do you have with your partner?
• how happy are you as a person (emotional health/strength, confidence, self-esteem, social life, work, ambitions…)?
• what it is you like, miss, and crave from your ex (characteristics, behaviors, affection, recognition, memories…)?

If you understand what pulls you toward your ex or rather, what you need from your ex to be happy, you can tell whether your relationship with your partner is even worth the shot. So figure out why you still have feelings for your ex and you’ll know what the best thing to do is.

If you can’t figure that out on your own, this article might help you with that. We’ll talk about the three reasons why you still have feelings for an ex when you’re in a new relationship.

1)You connected with someone new too quickly

The most common reason people still have feelings for their ex is that they don’t take the time to disconnect from their ex. Instead of dealing with the breakup blues properly by focusing on themselves, they rush into a new relationship and think that the new person will replace their ex.

Although dumpers can certainly do that, many (if not most) dumpees can’t.

They can’t connect or stay connected with someone new because they don’t just want to be with someone new. They need to be with someone new to patch their broken heart and feel comfortable in their skin.

This is why they often rebound with their new partner weeks or months later and get hurt very badly. How hurt they get depends on their self-esteem and personal strength. But normally, they suffer as much as on the day of the breakup because they’re still hurting over the loss of their previous relationship.

Some dumpers also go through the 6 rebound stages, but dumpers usually don’t suffer for the same reason dumpees do – because they still love their ex and have poor self-esteem. They suffer because their new partner fails to meet their expectations and disappoints them so much that they realize they downgraded and get hurt.

So if you still have feelings for your ex even though you met someone new, don’t expect your feelings for your ex to disappear right away. They likely won’t disappear just by meeting someone new. Especially not if your ex dumped you or if you were forced to dump your ex because your ex cheated or did something just as bad.

You need to understand that you got very close to your partner and bonded with him or her. You had plans for your ex and those plans went up in ablaze, which is why it will take you some time to move on from your ex. On average, it takes around 8 months to get over the breakup, but it could take you longer if your relationship was long-term and/or if you were in a codependent relationship.

It all comes down to your emotional strength and the way you perceive yourself.

The stronger you are emotionally and the more confident you feel being the person you are, the more likely it is that you’ll handle the breakup well and recover quickly. Your self-esteem will make sure of it as it will uplift you even though the breakup will weigh you down.

Moreover, if you’re with someone new, bear in mind that it’s always best to be honest with your boyfriend or girlfriend and tell him or her that you’re still hurting over the loss of your relationship. That way, you can give your partner a heads up and let your partner know that you need more time to detach from your ex and invest wholeheartedly in the relationship.

Of course, there’s always a chance that the truth will hurt your partner, but it’s much better to be honest than to stay unhappy and wait for the relationship to fall apart because you were too scared to tell the truth.

That’s why if you care about this person and want to be with him or her, you’ll have to do what the situation requires you to do.

You’ll have to explain that taking things slowly is important for the relationship and that you and your partner are a good match. You just need to bond at a comfortable pace. If you do this right and do your best to take your mind off your ex, you shouldn’t feel in love with your ex much longer.

You should slowly detach from your ex and see that your partner has become your top priority.

It won’t be easy to do that when your heart tells you to obsess over your ex and/or his or her new partner, but if you do what it takes to let go of your ex, it’s only a matter of time before you completely let go.

Don’t think that it’s impossible to stop loving someone by force. Your heart may be telling you whose attention you want, but in the end, it’s your mind that decides what you do with your time and who you obsess over.

It’s quite simple actually.

If you focus on your ex, you won’t feel connected with your partner because you’ll stay in love with your ex. But if you focus on your partner instead and stay determined, you’ll gradually push your ex out of your subconscious mind and live in the present.

You’ll realize that your ex is no longer an option and that you’ve got to move forward.

That being said, here are 5 things you need to do when you still have feelings for your ex but you’re in a relationship with someone else.

2)You aren’t happy with your new partner

Another possible reason why you still have feelings for your ex while you’re in a new relationship is that you don’t like your new partner as much as you thought you would. Something’s missing, so you’re now comparing your partner to your old relationship and crave what you had and how you used to feel.

This usually happens to dumpees, but some dumpers also become nostalgic and regretful. They discern that they got GIGS (took their ex for granted) and that they must get back with their ex before it’s too late.

If you feel that you aren’t happy with the person you’re with because he or she doesn’t make you feel the way your ex made you feel, you need to understand that no one will make you feel the exact same way your ex did. Your ex had certain ways of giving and receiving love and those ways weren’t necessarily ideal.

They were merely your ex’s ways—and you shouldn’t think they were the best.

Some people crave their ex only because their ex denied them love and recognition and hurt them. Such people desire what they never got much of, so they think that what they had or rather didn’t have was good for them.

This is the reason why so many people desire unhealthy, codependent relationships from the past rather than their current relationships that provide lots of love and stability.

If you feel that your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend was better because you don’t need your new partner as much as you needed your ex, you’ve got to learn a thing or two about healthy relationships. You’ve got to understand that a good relationship makes you feel accepted and provides you safety whereas an unhealthy one makes you afraid for your safety and creates a false sense of importance.

If you can differentiate between a good and a bad relationship, you might realize that you crave your ex because the relationship you’re in doesn’t create the strong negative emotions the previous relationship did. It just makes you feel normal.

You can tell that a relationship you’re in is good for you if you:

• communicate well
• share similar values and goals
• get along
• feel calm, loved, and respected
• and like your partner for the person he or she is

You might not feel connected with your partner all the time, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll always feel that way with your ex. If you reconnect with your ex, you could soon encounter problems because you’re looking at the past through rose-tinted glasses.

However, if you’re over your ex with whom you had a healthy relationship and your new partner doesn’t and can’t make you happy, then you have an important decision to make.

You have to be brave, pick a date, time, and location to break up with your partner—and do it in a respectful way that minimizes your partner’s separation anxiety and the fear that comes from being alone.

Breaking up with someone who loves you is hard, but you need to avoid giving false hope and various breakup excuses. You may not love your partner, but you need to treat him or her the way you’d want to be treated by someone you love.

3)You aren’t happy with yourself

If you aren’t happy because of stress, anxiety, or some sort of mental illness, you need to know that your brain automatically thinks back to the days when you were happier. It remembers when things were easier and less painful and craves those carefree times.

Happiness or a lack thereof is what makes people lie, steal, cheat, take drugs, and do crazy self-centered, often self-destructive things. If you aren’t happy, you, therefore, can’t expect to be happy with your partner either. You won’t be happy no matter who you date as you’ll project your unhappiness and pain onto your partner and make things difficult for both of you.

This is a strong statement, but uncontrolled and untreated mental health illnesses and unhappiness in general ruin relationships. They make people pick fights with their partners and force them to seek happiness elsewhere.

So if you’re unhappy or ill, it’s of utmost importance that you get help right away and try not to connect your unhappiness with your partner. If you don’t take care of yourself, you could make your partner miserable and cause him or her to make you even more miserable in return.

Remember that people are reactive beings and that they’ll usually respond in ways that you behave. They may not copy your attitude, but they’ll express their discontent in a similar fashion.

That means that your job as someone who’s struggling to cope emotionally is very simple.

1. Get your emotional health under control immediately.
2. Convince yourself that your partner is a great person/match for you and that you need to think positively of him or her. Doubts about your partner and positive thoughts about your ex will only cause you to detach from your partner and cause you to crave your ex even more.

Is it normal to think about your ex while in a relationship?

It’s completely normal to think about your ex in a new relationship. Everyone thinks about their ex once in a while and wonders what their ex is up to. But although it’s normal to think about your ex, it’s not normal or healthy to reminisce about your ex and think that you were happier when you were with your ex.

Thoughts like that could cause you to crave a connection with your ex and encourage you to contact your ex. And once you contact your ex and catch up, you could lose attraction for your partner and possibly even cheat.

The best way to deal with any remaining feelings for your ex is to cease all communication. Getting over the breakup doesn’t just take time, but also a lot of effort. Most of your effort consists of starting no contact and following the rules of no contact.

But a small part also consists of the kind of thoughts you produce.

If you think that your ex is a good man/woman and wish you had another chance with your ex, that obviously won’t make your relationship with your partner stronger. It will weaken it because your focus will be on another person.

But if you think that the relationship with your ex is a matter of the past, your relationship with your new partner could slowly get stronger. It could develop into a healthy, long-lasting relationship and allow you to forget about your ex.

How fast you deal with lingering feelings for your ex and how successful you are with your partner depends on your determination and ways of thinking. So decide who and what is important to you and either focus fully on your partner or break up with him or her.

Your partner deserves your commitment and you need to give him or her all or nothing.

Do you still have feelings for your ex but you’re in a relationship? How are you dealing with those feelings? Leave a comment below the article.

And if you’d like to talk to us about your unprocessed feelings for your ex, get in touch with us by subscribing to coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.