Signs You Are Wasting Your Time Trying To Get Your Ex Back

If you’ve been trying to reconcile with your ex and you’re tired of the lack of success and progress with your ex, you should change your approach and let go of hope instead of clinging to it for dear life. You should look for signs you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back and by doing so prevent yourself from losing your dignity, sanity, and pride.

Not every relationship deserves another chance. Some relationships are unhealthy and need to end so couples can distance themselves from each other and reflect on their problems. By reflecting, they can address their issues and avoid making the same mistakes in their future relationships.

If they were to reconcile (especially within weeks of breaking up), they’d feel extremely tempted to fall back into old patterns and treat each other the same way. They’d break up again because they’d be the same people. And that would waste their time, money, and energy.

It’s not just toxic relationships that need to end. You’re also wasting your time trying to get your ex back if you’re reaching out to your ex and your ex is showing no interest, respect, affection, or signs of getting back together.

Such an ex doesn’t consider you a potential romantic partner anymore. He or she stopped caring about you romantically and doesn’t want what you want. You have conflicting interests and desires and can’t give each other what you want.

Hence you must give each other space and do what is necessary to deal with the breakup.

You as a dumpee need to detach whereas your ex needs to enjoy the post-breakup relief and freedom. You mustn’t interrupt your ex after the breakup or you’ll see a side of your ex you don’t want to see.

Always remember that the dumper needs to self-prioritize and that hoping he or she comes back is a waste of time and effort. The dumper will usually reply slowly with disinterest, ignore you, argue with you, or treat you as a friend. In any case, it is unlikely that an ex like that will return in the near future or ever.

He or she especially won’t return if you keep begging and pleading and showing you’re prepared to do anything to fix the relationship.

There is no more relationship to work on, so the dumper doesn’t even want you to try. The dumper wants you to give up on the relationship and understand that he or she needs space and time.

No matter how badly you want to be with your ex, remember that you won’t penetrate his or her defenses and make your ex want to be with you by force. Your ex has lost feelings and detached and hates being pursued and guilt-tripped. Your ex would rather see that you’ve accepted the breakup and that you’re not going to keep trying to get back together.

That would make your ex happy as it would let your ex feel in charge of his or her choices, feelings, and life in general.

So if you’re looking for signs you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back, know that the majority of relationships that end are a waste of time. You may really like your ex and want to be with him or her, but fighting for someone who doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to be with you is counterproductive. 

Not only does it push your ex away, but it also makes you more anxious, dependent, and desperate to be with your ex.

No ex should ever be chased. Not even if you cheated on your ex and got dumped because of it. Couples need to work on relationship problems together. They shouldn’t discard their dignity and try to convince each other they deserve another chance.

If they do that, they throw all their power away and make the detached person who gave up (the dumper) feel even more powerful, important, and in control. And that’s the opposite of what the dumper needs to respect the dumpee and come back. The dumper needs to lose power and feelings of superiority in order to redevelop romantic feelings.

He or she can’t and doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t respect himself or herself.

So bear in mind that you’re wasting your time trying to get your ex back if you’re taking the initiative with the dumper and trying to prove your worth. As long as you’re doing something to reason with the dumper, you’re letting him or her know you don’t respect his or her feelings and decisions and that you don’t know when to give up.

In this post, we talk about 8 signs you’re wasting your time trying to get your ex back. 

1)Your ex doesn’t care about your emotions

If your ex doesn’t care about your emotions, feelings, and problems, your ex isn’t thinking about getting back together with you and doesn’t deserve you. Your ex has completely disconnected from you and only cares about his or her own life.

That means your ex is enjoying life without you and that you have one of the biggest signs you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back.

Always remember that an ex who deserves you will sympathize with you and help you deal with the breakup. He or she will offer you closure and treat you with care and respect. The dumper will do this because of strong moral values, maturity, and an understanding that you’re going through a difficult time.

If your ex doesn’t care about your emotions, your ex simply won’t make time for you. Your ex will not respond, respond late, tell you to get help, blame you for the breakup, say hurtful things, get angry with you, and show you that love is gone and that you aren’t welcome to reach out anymore.

That will be the biggest sign that you’re wasting your time with your ex and that you should leave your ex alone right away. Failure to read the cue and distance yourself from your ex will only show that you’re willing to tolerate abuse for a chance at getting back together.

So keep in mind that when your ex’s attitude toward you changes, so do his or her feelings and respect. That’s when it’s time to go no contact and give up actively trying to get back with your ex. Nothing you say or do will change your ex’s mind because your ex’s perception of you has changed and won’t change with your help.

For it to change, your ex needs to be humbled. And to be humbled, your ex needs to get knocked off his or her high horse. This can only happen without your interference when your ex gets his or her ego crushed by something or someone he or she deems as important. 

Therefore, you mustn’t waste your time and emotions on a person who needs something out of his or her control to acknowledge your worth and treat you better. You have better people in your life who already respect you and want you in their life.

Focus on those people rather than an ex who doesn’t care about your pain.

Don’t forget that your ex showed you his or her true colors during and after the breakup. People reveal who they are when they feel pressured, annoyed, questioned, confronted, and unhappy. That’s when they show how they deal with problems and people they don’t need anymore.

So if your ex treated you terribly, know that your ex demonstrated his or her worst side and that your ex is capable of much worse than you’d thought. Your ex just didn’t have a reason to neglect your feelings because your ex loved you and saw a future with you.

You need to take that seriously as getting back with an ex who doesn’t care about you and your feelings is one of the biggest signs you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back. You’re wasting it not because it’s impossible to get back together but because you deserve much better.

You deserve someone who treats you well not just when things are going well but when they aren’t. A big portion of your happiness is determined by your and your partner’s ability to handle difficulties, not good times.

That’s why people who treat you badly when you’re suffering don’t deserve a second chance. Yes, some people grow, but why waste your time waiting for someone who scarred you and isn’t waiting for you?

2)Your ex blames you for everything

When your ex blames you for the breakup and the mistakes you made years ago, it’s evident your ex resents you. Your ex can’t and doesn’t want to get over the past because blaming you is much easier. Blaming you gives your ex power and allows your ex to avoid taking responsibility.

Responsibility that would help your ex acknowledge his or her shortcomings and mistakes. 

It is important to recognize that an ex who places blame on you has a victim mentality and that he or she is unable to empathize with your perspective. Such a person is likely to focus on your shortcomings rather than reflect on his or her own behavior and opportunities for personal growth.

So if your ex blames you for everything despite you doing your best to fix things, bear in mind that your ex isn’t capable of seeing things the way you do and that waiting for your ex to mature would be a big waste of time. It would keep you glued to your ex even though your ex may never improve his or her perception of you.

If it doesn’t seem like your bitter ex is working on himself or herself, don’t think that your ex just needs a bit of time to cool off. Your ex needs much more than that. Your ex needs to find the incentive to change his or her negative perception of you.

And your ex can find it without looking for it when something negative or painful happens to your ex and forces your ex to grow within and see you in a better light.

3)Your ex is talking trash about you and painting you black

The third sign you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back is when you discover that your ex is talking badly about you to friends and family. Trash-talking is a sign of resentment and immaturity and displays a complete loss of respect.

It suggests your ex is done with the relationship and doesn’t see himself or herself getting back with you.

Dumpers who brutally criticize their ex obviously don’t have any feelings for their ex. They don’t think they made any mistakes so they probably won’t get back with their ex because they won’t learn to let go of unhealthy thoughts of emotions.

Resentment doesn’t go away on its own.

Especially not when it’s constantly reinforced by negative behaviors such as trash-talking. It could go away only if dumpers get therapy and/or commit to forgiving their ex.

But, unfortunately, resentment is extremely hard to deal with. Many couples fail to get rid of it even with the help of a therapist. They can’t do it because it takes immense self-awareness and effort.

So don’t think that your ex (a person who lost feelings and a drive to self-invest) will be able to process negativity and disassociate it from you. Always remember that dumpers have no motivation to grow and that they would rather move on and start a relationship with someone they don’t think negatively of. 

Most dumpers don’t deal with resentment successfully after they have singlehandedly destroyed their ex’s image. They can’t do it because once respect is lost, it’s extremely hard to rebuild. It’s much easier to start anew with someone else.

So if your ex is talking trash about you and destroying everything you’ve built together, know that your ex is intentionally escalating things to worsen his or her image of you. The worse your ex thinks of you, the more your ex despises you and the stronger he or she feels about breaking up with you.

Convictions that you were the sole cause of the breakup help your ex justify the breakup and hold on to the black image he or she had painted of you.

With that said, here are some things dumpers could do to destroy their respect for you:

• trash-talk, mock, reveal secrets, and spread rumors about you
• kick you out with no place to go
• tell you he/she never loved you or found you attractive
• sleep with someone else (especially someone you didn’t trust)
• destroy/throw away your gifts and post them on social media
• argue with your loved ones and block them
• focus on your shortcomings and mistakes

Anything the dumper does to foster anger and hatred is extremely likely to affect his or her respect and ability to let go of unhealthy perceptions. That’s why an ex who does things to lower his or her respect for you should be avoided at all costs. 

Don’t reason with your ex because you won’t be able to encourage him or her to respect you and stop destroying what’s left of the relationship.

4)You broke up multiple times 

Multiple breakups are also one of the signs that you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back. If you broke up twice or thrice already, you’re most likely going to keep breaking up. This is because you had a few chances to grow and improve already.

You just didn’t take them seriously and got back together without resolving things.

That’s why the chances of you and your ex taking the relationship seriously are extremely small. It’s unlikely that you’ll suddenly develop the drive to reflect on your flaws and differences and resolve them. It’s much more likely that you’ll both stay as you are and have a final breakup.

I don’t want to dissuade you from working on the relationship, but if you broke up many times, the odds aren’t in your favor.

Couples who make things work do it without breaking up. As for those who break up and succeed, they do it because they regret their behavior and put the work in. They know they love their partner more than anything and that they need to grow and avoid breaking up in the future.

Maybe your ex left you multiple times and you never wanted to break up. If that’s the case, the situation is even worse because your ex kept taking you for granted. He or she didn’t learn to value you and resolve doubts and relationship problems.

Now that your ex left at least twice, it’s become very easy to leave. It’s become a pattern and a quick solution to escaping difficult emotions.

There’s no point in waiting for an ex who runs away from problems by pushing you away.

You need someone who knows how to argue/deal with problems. A runner will never be an equal and give you the stability you crave.

So if you broke up multiple times, don’t get back with your ex even if he or she comes back. Someone needs to put an ex to the pattern of breaking up and getting back together. That someone may as well be you.

5)Your ex prevented you from reaching out

Sometimes dumpers block their exes due to anger and overwhelm. But other times, they block them because they lose respect and don’t care about their feelings and problems. They don’t have sympathy and moral values that would prevent them from acting on impulse and allow them to empathize.

Such dumpers block and ignore their ex. Some even get a restraining order against their ex and push their ex away by force. They don’t know how to resolve things peacefully, so they resort to blocking.

Blocking the dumpee is seldom needed. If the dumpee is obsessed and struggling with the breakup, the dumper should feel a sense of responsibility and do his or her best to help the dumpee. If the dumper can’t help, then he or she at least shouldn’t make things worse.

The dumper shouldn’t block the dumpee out of his or her life and punish the dumpee for feeling attached and acting obsessed. A certain level of obsession should be tolerated. I’m talking about acts of reaching out and seeking attention and closure.

Is it okay for the dumpee to bother the dumpee with his or her problems? No, it’s considered a big breakup mistake. But despite that, the dumper should at least show willingness to communicate when the dumpee feels anxious, depressed, and suicidal.

You can argue all you want, but a response is something the dumpee deserves just for breathing. He or she should be acknowledged unless the dumpee is vengeful.

So if your ex did something to stop you from reaching out, I strongly suggest that you give up on your ex. Your ex will likely unblock you after a while, but that doesn’t mean that he or she will reach out and that his or her love will return. 

Love will probably take a long time and something esteem-destroying to redevelop. You can’t wait around for years or decades for that to happen. You’ve got better things to focus on.

6)Your relationship was unhealthy or unfulfilling

Another sign you’re wasting your time trying to get back with your ex is if your relationship wasn’t very good. If you argued poorly and didn’t feel that you connected, understood each other, and belonged together, you shouldn’t try to get back with your ex.

A second attempt at making things work with your ex won’t procure different results. That’s because you’ll deal with the same issues as before and react the same way. You can do everything in your power to evolve, but so must your ex. He or she must do the same otherwise history is going to repeat itself.

Since your ex dumped you, the chances of your ex taking the breakup seriously are slim to none. Dumpers just don’t grow after the breakup. They don’t suffer, so they don’t see a reason to change anything about themselves. Pain is the incentive for growth whereas relief makes dumpers have fun.

Because of that, getting back with an ex who doesn’t make you happy and feel emotionally fulfilled is a waste of time. You should focus on self-distraction and healing rather than your ex.

By all means, work on yourself and resolve your shortcomings. But don’t wait and hope for your ex to come back. 

You need to know that unhealthy or toxic relationships are much harder to get over than healthy relationships. The reason for that is that they make dumpees overdepend on their ex for happiness and make it harder for them to pull away and forget about their ex.

If your relationship was unhealthy, you need to love yourself, not your ex. You need to find a way to stop being obsessed with your ex and start caring more about your own life. Do that by telling yourself the relationship isn’t going to work if you reconcile and that you’ll be much happier on your own.

7)Your ex is dating someone else and got engaged or married

An ex who dates someone else also isn’t worth waiting for. He or she isn’t thinking about you and working on reconnecting with you, so you shouldn’t be doing that either. You should be finding ways to disconnect from your ex and fall back in love with yourself. 

When your ex starts dating someone else, you should tell yourself that your ex has crossed the line and that you can’t get back together with your ex after he or she has been intimate with someone else.

You need to have certain boundaries. And your ex dating another person is one of them. It’s essential for your detachment.

So if your ex cheated on you, monkey-branched, got into a new relationship, and got engaged or married, know that your ex is making romantic, sexual, and/or intimate plans with someone else. He or she is focusing on that person and doesn’t know or care that you’re hurt.

The best thing you can do is remind yourself that getting back with an ex who gave other people a try would create trust issues and that it’d be a waste of emotions, time, and energy.

8)Your ex is stringing you along

The last sign that you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back is when your ex wants to be your friend. Post-breakup friendship is probably one of the biggest wastes of time. Not only does it give you tons of false hope, but it also stops you from letting go, working on yourself, and meeting someone who actually wants to be with you.

Friendship with an ex strings you along and doesn’t give you the love you crave. It merely makes you think that it’s possible to go from friendship to reconciliation if you play your cards right.

In reality, though, it doesn’t matter how you play your cards because feelings and reconciliation are out of your control. You can’t make your ex feel romantic cravings because your ex feels tired of investing in you and can’t give you what you want.

All you’ll do by staying your ex’s friend is show you’re willing to settle for anything as long as you keep your ex in your life. That will significantly lower your ex’s interest and curiosity and waste your precious post-breakup time.

Time that could be spent on self-improvement and distraction.

So if your ex is wasting your time by friend-zoning you and you don’t know what to do, cut your ex off immediately. Stop communicating with your ex and show your ex it’s either a relationship or nothing. If your ex doesn’t want to be with you, your ex has to stop giving you hope and let you process the separation.

And your ex has to do that right now so you can get your happy self back as quickly as possible.

Do you agree with the signs you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back? Do you have any signs to add to the list? Share your opinion in the comments section underneath the article.

However, if you’re not yet sure whether you should give up on your ex and want a second opinion, check out our coaching services here.