If you found out your ex slept with someone else while you were broken up, you’re likely in a lot of pain and feel betrayed. You feel like your ex forgot about you and all the promises he or she had made prior to the breakup.
It probably feels like months of getting to know each other and planning went down the drain and that your ex stopped valuing you and seeing your worth and a future with you.
Although your ex probably tried to move on quickly and didn’t care much (or at all) about your feelings, don’t let your insecurities play with your ways of thinking and feeling. Take a few deep breaths and then try to understand that you were broken up and were allowed to date other people.
Whether the breakup was amicable or unilateral, you no longer had an agreement to be exclusive and could be with other people if you wanted to.
That probably doesn’t make you feel better, I know, but think of it this way.
If your ex was a dumpee, your ex most likely slept with another person to patch his or her wounds. Your ex was broken-hearted and thought that someone else would fill the void that you created. In other words, your ex tried to numb the pain by getting involved with another person.
Many dumpees do that, but, unfortunately, most of them are unsuccessful.
If your ex was the dumper, however, then yes, your ex probably ventured out into the dating world to explore other options. Your ex wanted to connect with someone else and start a relationship with that person.
But despite wanting something serious right away, things didn’t go according to plan. Your ex soon realized that the person he or she slept with wasn’t you and/or good enough.
The new man or woman made your ex learn through comparison that you were better in many ways, hence why your ex came running back to you.
So as difficult as this breakup experience has been for you, try to see the silver lining in your situation and remind yourself that your ex could have cheated on you while you were still together or stayed with the new person, had kids, and got married.
So much could have gone worse that would have made things more complicated and painful.
So don’t think it’s the end of the world because your ex slept with someone else after the breakup. If the person your ex cheated with helped your ex realize your worth, that’s a good thing because you now get another chance to make the relationship work.
You get to see if the two of you can overcome your differences and create a healthy bond.
But before you focus on reconnecting, you should first talk about the person your ex slept with and get him or her out of your system. Provided that your ex wants to be with you and has the skills to maintain romantic relationships, he or she will be happy to answer any questions lingering in your mind.
Your ex will be transparent and tell you everything you want to know.
Just don’t make things harder on yourself by asking things like:
- Was he/she better in bed than me?
- How did you do it?
- How many times?
- Did you enjoy it?
Some questions are better left unanswered.
I suggest that you ask questions like:
- Why do you think you needed to sleep with someone else so quickly?
- Where did you meet this person?
- Do you still talk to him/her
- What would you do differently if you could go back in time?
These questions will help you understand your ex’s motives for sleeping with another person and ease your fears.
In this post, we’ll talk about what to do if your ex slept with someone else while you were broken up.
My ex slept with someone else while we were broken up
Theoretically, it’s not your business who your ex slept with because if you weren’t together, you weren’t together. You were separated, doing your own things.
But even if you stopped talking to each other and focused solely on yourselves, the problem is you were still attached to your ex and had certain expectations of him or her. You thought your ex would handle the breakup maturely, but instead, your ex went back out there and slept with someone he or she probably met not too long ago.
It doesn’t matter how long your ex knew that person. The problem is that you still had feelings for your ex and got hurt when you found out your ex got romantically and/or sexually involved with someone else.
The thought of your ex being intimate with someone else gave you a lot of anxiety and fears. Fears that someone else would get to know the person you love on the most intimate level possible.
Rest assured that it’s completely normal to have fears like that – especially if you got dumped by your ex because that would mean that you never lost feelings for your ex.
You probably gained feelings because you got rejected and put your ex on a pedestal.
The point is that no one should have to go through the experience of knowing that the person they love had sex with someone else. It’s one of the most painful things a human being can go through.
The pain can be more severe than losing a family member or a romantic partner.
It can be so bad it causes panic attacks and takes people’s ability to eat and sleep away. Always remember that if someone has romantic feelings for you that you have a moral obligation not to get involved with other people.
You have to help your ex (or the person who has a crush on you) first and make sure he or she can handle the rejection/separation anxiety before you start getting close to others.
So if your ex slept with someone else while you were broken up, know that your ex didn’t consider the possibility that his or her actions might hurt you. Your ex was too absorbed in his/her own thoughts and feelings to think that you would find out about the new person and get seriously hurt.
The unfortunate truth is that many if not most people just don’t care much about their ex-partner after the breakup. They become angry, cold, or resentful and think that their responsibilities end the second they break up with their partner.
They think they don’t owe their ex anything, not even sympathy when in reality, their ex deserves to be treated like a king for staying committed until the end.
So if your ex says something like, “It doesn’t matter what I did, we were broken up,” know that your ex doesn’t have sympathy for you. He or she doesn’t understand how you’re feeling and will likely do more harm than good.
My advice is to forget about your ex if he or she says things like:
- stop talking about it already
- stop making me feel guilty
- get over it
- take it like a man
- it’s not your concern what I did after the breakup
The problem isn’t necessarily with what your ex did after the breakup. It’s with your ex’s attitude toward it. Make sure your ex cares about you, answers your questions, and eases your worries if you’re planning to give the relationship another chance.
What do I do if my ex slept with someone else while we were broken up?
If your ex slept with someone else while you were not together, the very first thing you should do is tell your ex (or your partner) to get himself or herself checked for STDs and STIs. You don’t want your boyfriend or girlfriend to give you health problems because of his/her recklessness.
You want your partner to take this matter seriously and do whatever it takes to make it safe for you and him/her to become intimate again when the time is right. I say “when the time is right” because you shouldn’t rush back and follow the same old pattern the moment you can.
Rushing may feel right but it won’t fix your issues.
You should first figure out if you’ve improved your shortcomings and made sure that you won’t break up again for the same or similar reasons.
Secondly, you should talk to your partner about the sexual activity he or she had with someone else. Don’t talk about the act itself but rather about the reasons your partner got intimate.
Your partner should be honest and tell you he/she felt the drive/necessity to do it.
Relationships are built on honesty, so this is a great opportunity to see if your partner will tell you the truth or avoid it. It may not be easy for your partner to talk about this, but not all things in life are easy. Some things are hard (especially when guilt is present).
Thirdly, you can’t change the past, so there’s no point in holding grudges and calling your partner names. Doing so will only complicate things and make it harder for the two of you to understand each other and rebuild love.
If you’re serious about being with your partner, you’ll have to let go of the past. You don’t have to forget about the things your partner did in your absence, but do try to see that your partner is with you and trying to make things work.
If he or she didn’t feel anything about you, he or she wouldn’t have come back. So don’t make things worse by demanding constant apologies and explanations.
Asking for reassurance is okay, but do that in a respectful way. In a way that shows you’re struggling emotionally but not trying to accuse or put anyone down.
Just how your partner needs to be sympathetic about this, you need to be respectful and accepting.
It will take time to heal
Your ex may not have cheated on you, but that doesn’t make things a whole lot easier. Your ex still slept with someone else when you had feelings for him or her, which means that you still had some hope for the relationship.
You thought your ex felt the same way about you and that you might get back together after a while to fix the relationship. But instead, your ex got involved with someone else and crushed your dreams.
That’s probably why him/her sleeping with someone else bothers you so much. It tells you that your ex didn’t care about you as much as you cared about him/her and that your ex just went with the flow.
The flow (or a lack of consideration) is what now gives you anxiety and the impression that your ex was selfish and impulsive.
Your ex’s behavior especially hurts you if your ex broke up with you by saying:
- it’s just a break
- let’s give it some time and we’ll see
- I don’t know what I want
- I still love you
- I need to find myself
Some dumpers use breakup excuses and various distraction techniques to soften the blow of the breakup. They don’t dare to be honest because they know there’s a chance their exes won’t like it, so they choose to lie and put themselves first.
If that’s what happened to you, you have every right to feel hurt and deceived. Your ex wasn’t honest and returned only because things didn’t work out with the other person.
If you want to make the relationship work, you have to rebuild the relationship from the ground up. Start with growing trust and forgiveness—and then focus on bonding and staying strong.
Did your ex sleep with someone else while you were broken up? Did it give you anxiety and make you feel little? Were you able to make it work? Let us know how things went below the post.
And if you’d like to talk to us about it 1 on 1, check out our coaching options.
Hi Zan,
My long term boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago saying that he loved me but did not feel ready for a serious relationship because he did not know where he would be in the world in the next few years. I was devastated but accepted the reality and tried to continue living my life. Three months later, he came back and said that back then things remained complicated for him, but now that he figured out where he would be/what he would do, he would like to try rebuilding our relationship as he never stopped loving me. I decided to give it a chnge by taking things slow. Recently, he told me that he hooked up with someone during our breakup. One day, I checked his messages (I know I was not supposed to but I still have trust issues) and found out that he also slept and talked with another woman for a long time right after our breakup (about 3 weeks later). When I asked him, he first denied and when I insisted he said that he did not tell me because he did not want to hurt my feelings. It felt ilke he manipulated me. He is not currently talking to these people but still, I have trust issues. What should I do? Is this person worth my trust?
Hi Stephanie.
This person probably cheated on you while you were still together. He wanted to explore other options, which he did. Because those options failed, he came back and said he still loved you. I don’t know if he can be fully trusted. I’d be careful if I were you. He needs to redeem himself after dumping you, lying to you, and endangering your health. If you stay with him, you should ask for complete transparency. He should show you his phone when you feel anxious and insecure.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan!
Thank you for your help. I feel like I did not give you all the details. A few weeks before our breakup, we had a little argument because we were on a long distance relationship since the beginning of our relationship and I said I did not want to be apart forever. When I said this, we were in the same country for a few months but he was going to move for his work again. Since he was unable to find a job and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, things got more difficult and unclear. So I said to him that I wanted to have a clear path and wanted him to include me in his plans. He said that he loved me, but he could not make any promises about where he would be in the world at the moment. He felt like he was lost. The discussion ended with a deadlock, since we could not reach an agreement. Right after this conversation, we did not discuss any details and attended a few weddings where people made a few jokes about us getting married and I sensed that he felt anxious about it, and so did I. After a few days, he told me that he could not handle being in a serious relationship at the moment. I was still very hurt because he did not try. As he was depressed, I respected his decision to be by himself but did not understand why he wanted space although he said that I was good for him before.
Anyways, as per your recommendation, we discussed the person that he slept and talked with during our time apart. He said that he did not want anything serious while we were apart, he was also broken and needed a distraction.
Would you still stay that I should not trust him in light of these additional information? Thank you so much!
Hi Stephanie.
Thanks for sharing. You should take his words with a pinch of salt. He felt lost and didn’t know what he wanted. If he wasn’t depressed and felt ready for a new relationship, he would probably have taken things further with that woman. Most dumpers do because they want to feel validated.
Anyway, if you want to stay with him, encourage him to be honest and to seek help. He has to want to get better so that your relationship can progress. It can’t stay the way it is forever.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am in need of an advice but I really don’t know where to look for it at this point.
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 years and recently we went through a separation – we broke up for 3 weeks and then got back together since last month. The reasons for this breakup are various but long story short, I caught him talking to someone else over texts (not the first time this happens but with different women) and then he said that he doesn’t know what he feels for me anymore although he loved me very much still. We first decided to take a break but after one week he reached out to me and wanted to get back together. I wasn’t sure and refused him at the time so we ultimately broke up. During the breakup we still talked and he would always say how we will get back together at some point and how we need to work on ourselves right now so we could be together again in the future. After 2 weeks of being broken up, we decided to get back together and work on ourselves and on the relationship at the same time given that we still love each other so much.
Only now, one month after getting back together I somehow found out that he had sex with other people during our separation. He wasn’t the one to tell me this and I am 100% convinced that he would deny and refuse to talk about it if I would confront him about it.
I don’t know what to do, a part of me wants closure and needs answers, but the other part of me knows I’m not gonna get it and I should probably look the other way since we were not together at that time and shouldn’t be my business.
I honestly wish I wouldn’t have found out because things were going really well between us since we got back together and I don’t want to ruin it now by bringing up the past, although I am afraid these thoughts would consume me.
I don’t know what to feel or do and would appreciate an honest advice.. thank you!!
Sincerely,
Anna
Hi Anna.
I know you don’t want to ruin what you have with him, but since you’re hurting, you need to talk to him about it. As your partner, he owes you explanation and support. If you don’t get answers, you’ll have a hard time trusting him. Also, he slept with someone else and betrayed you emotionally while you were still together. These are red flags that he has to work hard on. Since he’s not working on them, it’s quite possible that he’ll become tempted to cheat and doubtful about you again in the future.
I’d be very careful if I were you. I’d talk to him about what he did while you were broken up and see whether he cares about your feelings and safety or if he’s just looking out for himself. Yes, there’s a chance that he’ll get offended and leave again. But if that happens, it’s probably for the best. You don’t want to be with someone who can’t be honest and talk about the past.
Best regards,
Zan