If you found out your ex slept with someone else while you were broken up, you’re likely in a lot of pain and feel betrayed. You feel like your ex forgot about you and all the promises he or she had made prior to the breakup.
It probably feels like months of getting to know each other and planning went down the drain and that your ex stopped valuing you and seeing your worth and a future with you.
Although your ex probably tried to move on quickly and didn’t care much (or at all) about your feelings, don’t let your insecurities play with your ways of thinking and feeling. Take a few deep breaths and then try to understand that you were broken up and were allowed to date other people.
Whether the breakup was amicable or unilateral, you no longer had an agreement to be exclusive and could be with other people if you wanted to.
That probably doesn’t make you feel better, I know, but think of it this way.
If your ex was a dumpee, your ex most likely slept with another person to patch his or her wounds. Your ex was broken-hearted and thought that someone else would fill the void that you created. In other words, your ex tried to numb the pain by getting involved with another person.
Many dumpees do that, but, unfortunately, most of them are unsuccessful.
If your ex was the dumper, however, then yes, your ex probably ventured out into the dating world to explore other options. Your ex wanted to connect with someone else and start a relationship with that person.
But despite wanting something serious right away, things didn’t go according to plan. Your ex soon realized that the person he or she slept with wasn’t you and/or good enough.
The new man or woman made your ex learn through comparison that you were better in many ways, hence why your ex came running back to you.
So as difficult as this breakup experience has been for you, try to see the silver lining in your situation and remind yourself that your ex could have cheated on you while you were still together or stayed with the new person, had kids, and got married.
So much could have gone worse that would have made things more complicated and painful.
So don’t think it’s the end of the world because your ex slept with someone else after the breakup. If the person your ex cheated with helped your ex realize your worth, that’s a good thing because you now get another chance to make the relationship work.
You get to see if the two of you can overcome your differences and create a healthy bond.
But before you focus on reconnecting, you should first talk about the person your ex slept with and get him or her out of your system. Provided that your ex wants to be with you and has the skills to maintain romantic relationships, he or she will be happy to answer any questions lingering in your mind.
Your ex will be transparent and tell you everything you want to know.
Just don’t make things harder on yourself by asking things like:
- Was he/she better in bed than me?
- How did you do it?
- How many times?
- Did you enjoy it?
Some questions are better left unanswered.
I suggest that you ask questions like:
- Why do you think you needed to sleep with someone else so quickly?
- Where did you meet this person?
- Do you still talk to him/her
- What would you do differently if you could go back in time?
These questions will help you understand your ex’s motives for sleeping with another person and ease your fears.
In this post, we’ll talk about what to do if your ex slept with someone else while you were broken up.
My ex slept with someone else while we were broken up
Theoretically, it’s not your business who your ex slept with because if you weren’t together, you weren’t together. You were separated, doing your own things.
But even if you stopped talking to each other and focused solely on yourselves, the problem is you were still attached to your ex and had certain expectations of him or her. You thought your ex would handle the breakup maturely, but instead, your ex went back out there and slept with someone he or she probably met not too long ago.
It doesn’t matter how long your ex knew that person. The problem is that you still had feelings for your ex and got hurt when you found out your ex got romantically and/or sexually involved with someone else.
The thought of your ex being intimate with someone else gave you a lot of anxiety and fears. Fears that someone else would get to know the person you love on the most intimate level possible.
Rest assured that it’s completely normal to have fears like that – especially if you got dumped by your ex because that would mean that you never lost feelings for your ex.
You probably gained feelings because you got rejected and put your ex on a pedestal.
The point is that no one should have to go through the experience of knowing that the person they love had sex with someone else. It’s one of the most painful things a human being can go through.
The pain can be more severe than losing a family member or a romantic partner.
It can be so bad it causes panic attacks and takes people’s ability to eat and sleep away. Always remember that if someone has romantic feelings for you that you have a moral obligation not to get involved with other people.
You have to help your ex (or the person who has a crush on you) first and make sure he or she can handle the rejection/separation anxiety before you start getting close to others.
So if your ex slept with someone else while you were broken up, know that your ex didn’t consider the possibility that his or her actions might hurt you. Your ex was too absorbed in his/her own thoughts and feelings to think that you would find out about the new person and get seriously hurt.
The unfortunate truth is that many if not most people just don’t care much about their ex-partner after the breakup. They become angry, cold, or resentful and think that their responsibilities end the second they break up with their partner.
They think they don’t owe their ex anything, not even sympathy when in reality, their ex deserves to be treated like a king for staying committed until the end.
So if your ex says something like, “It doesn’t matter what I did, we were broken up,” know that your ex doesn’t have sympathy for you. He or she doesn’t understand how you’re feeling and will likely do more harm than good.
My advice is to forget about your ex if he or she says things like:
- stop talking about it already
- stop making me feel guilty
- get over it
- take it like a man
- it’s not your concern what I did after the breakup
The problem isn’t necessarily with what your ex did after the breakup. It’s with your ex’s attitude toward it. Make sure your ex cares about you, answers your questions, and eases your worries if you’re planning to give the relationship another chance.
What do I do if my ex slept with someone else while we were broken up?
If your ex slept with someone else while you were not together, the very first thing you should do is tell your ex (or your partner) to get himself or herself checked for STDs and STIs. You don’t want your boyfriend or girlfriend to give you health problems because of his/her recklessness.
You want your partner to take this matter seriously and do whatever it takes to make it safe for you and him/her to become intimate again when the time is right. I say “when the time is right” because you shouldn’t rush back and follow the same old pattern the moment you can.
Rushing may feel right but it won’t fix your issues.
You should first figure out if you’ve improved your shortcomings and made sure that you won’t break up again for the same or similar reasons.
Secondly, you should talk to your partner about the sexual activity he or she had with someone else. Don’t talk about the act itself but rather about the reasons your partner got intimate.
Your partner should be honest and tell you he/she felt the drive/necessity to do it.
Relationships are built on honesty, so this is a great opportunity to see if your partner will tell you the truth or avoid it. It may not be easy for your partner to talk about this, but not all things in life are easy. Some things are hard (especially when guilt is present).
Thirdly, you can’t change the past, so there’s no point in holding grudges and calling your partner names. Doing so will only complicate things and make it harder for the two of you to understand each other and rebuild love.
If you’re serious about being with your partner, you’ll have to let go of the past. You don’t have to forget about the things your partner did in your absence, but do try to see that your partner is with you and trying to make things work.
If he or she didn’t feel anything about you, he or she wouldn’t have come back. So don’t make things worse by demanding constant apologies and explanations.
Asking for reassurance is okay, but do that in a respectful way. In a way that shows you’re struggling emotionally but not trying to accuse or put anyone down.
Just how your partner needs to be sympathetic about this, you need to be respectful and accepting.
It will take time to heal
Your ex may not have cheated on you, but that doesn’t make things a whole lot easier. Your ex still slept with someone else when you had feelings for him or her, which means that you still had some hope for the relationship.
You thought your ex felt the same way about you and that you might get back together after a while to fix the relationship. But instead, your ex got involved with someone else and crushed your dreams.
That’s probably why him/her sleeping with someone else bothers you so much. It tells you that your ex didn’t care about you as much as you cared about him/her and that your ex just went with the flow.
The flow (or a lack of consideration) is what now gives you anxiety and the impression that your ex was selfish and impulsive.
Your ex’s behavior especially hurts you if your ex broke up with you by saying:
- it’s just a break
- let’s give it some time and we’ll see
- I don’t know what I want
- I still love you
- I need to find myself
Some dumpers use breakup excuses and various distraction techniques to soften the blow of the breakup. They don’t dare to be honest because they know there’s a chance their exes won’t like it, so they choose to lie and put themselves first.
If that’s what happened to you, you have every right to feel hurt and deceived. Your ex wasn’t honest and returned only because things didn’t work out with the other person.
If you want to make the relationship work, you have to rebuild the relationship from the ground up. Start with growing trust and forgiveness—and then focus on bonding and staying strong.
Did your ex sleep with someone else while you were broken up? Did it give you anxiety and make you feel little? Were you able to make it work? Let us know how things went below the post.
And if you’d like to talk to us about it 1 on 1, check out our coaching options.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hey Zan,
So, my ex and I went through a wild ride. He dumped me twice, first claiming he needed to fix himself ’cause he was down and depressed.
He regretted it right away, we got back again, but then drama hit.
He wanted more freedom and have ‘girl’ friends. We had arguments about that, and especially about him following this attention-seeking girl (from his class) on Instagram. I deleted her, but he secretly, turned off notifications (cause I had his accounts) , and followed her again, disrespecting me in the process.
Turns out, he got cozy with her at school, even walked her to the train station. Meanwhile, he had no time for me. I felt totally betrayed. When I confronted him, he casually suggested breaking up, I was so frustrated, I yelled out yes but even though I backtracked later, he didn’t care.
We didn’t talk for weeks, and at school, he started asking my sister if I wanted to get back together. I was hurting and didn’t want him back. He assumed it was a lost cause, so he got into a relationship and hooked up with the Instagram girl. Even though he tried to moved on, he couldn’t shake thoughts of me.
Currently, he’s back, offering apologies and admitting his mistakes. Despite my initial rejections (he’s persistent even after I expressed uncertainty), my hesitations also stem from the history of frequent lies in our relationship. However, there’s a noticeable change. He’s turned honest now, emphasizing how much he doesn’t want to lose me. He’s actively making an effort, showing his miss, sweet gestures, making time, and even taking me on dates. Despite these positive shifts and my lingering feelings, I’m grappling with the question of whether it’s wise to rekindle the relationship. I love him but he hurt me and now he shows change.
Now, I’m caught in a dilemma, unsure whether giving our relationship another shot is the right move. What insights do you have for navigating this intricate situation?
Hi Lilly.
You both sound very young, so naturally, you have a lot to learn, particulary about communication. The guy must also realize that if you’re not happy with him having female friends or being friends with someone you have a bad feeling about that he should not be friends with that person. Your happiness comes first, and he must understand that. So although he has realized his mistakes, the question is if he’s merely telling you what you want to hear or if he’s actually prepared to make some changes.
If you get back with him, talk to him about the things he needs to change and that it will take him a while to gain your trust back. Don’t just jump back in and expect things to be different. He needs to work hard for your forgiveness.
Best regards,
Zan
hi, me and my girlfriend split up for over a year , and she slept with someone about 10 months after the break up. were back together now and very happy together. but i keep thinking about this other guy and what they did, it absolutley kills me that she was with someone even though we werent together. i need some advide to try and forget about it.
Hi GUY1011.
You should talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel and that you need to get it out of your system. Consider talking to a therapist as well. You don’t have to hold these feelings inside. There are plenty of ways to let them out. One of them is journaling. Eventually, you’ll stop obsessing about the guy she slept with and focus on the present.
Best regards,
Zan
My first girlfriend (I’m 21), we dated 2 years and she decided one day she wanted to have a break over our bad communication. We weren’t arguing or anything she just felt she barely knew me cause I’m not the most outgoing person and she was right to confront me. The whole confrontation wasn’t aggressive but it was unclear what was happening. It wasn’t what I said but I guess I didn’t say what she needed to hear and I think she decided in that moment that she didn’t want this. The word breakup was never used but heavily hinted at. She said she needed time and the way she was talking I had a feeling things were over. I said “it sounds like you made up your mind” and she just started crying. Anyways I deleted her socials and handled it like a normal breakup heartbreak. Sad but nothing catastrophic.
3 weeks later she reaches out to me asking to meet for a coffee. I was excited cause I still loved the girl. I knew I had some clothes, etc at her place so I had a feeling it was about having a nicer goodbye and to give me my stuff back. She had a bag with all my stuff in her car however over the coffee we ended up talking out our communication issues and deciding to give it another go.
I was ecstatic. Texting all my friends we were back together it was a fantastic feeling. The next morning my brain was overthinking a bit and decided to ask if she was with anyone during those 3 weeks. She told me she slept with someone and I can’t even begin to describe that emotion I felt. My heart was smashed.
It happened at a very late drunk night where she ended up at an afterparty. She told me she didn’t even know the guys name and was so drunk. It was a distraction for the sadness she felt over the breakup. She told me she spent the whole time wishing or imagining it was me. She was completely open and honest with me about everything. Heavy with regret and doing everything she could to make it work. I had only ever made love, never had a one night stand with no emotional attachment so I couldn’t wrap my head around it. She let me sleep with someone else while she went away on a holiday with friends. She promised she would stay loyal but I had a free pass. I used it and I felt better about it all for a short period of time. However the original emotions came back and when I looked at her she was the same beautiful person I loved but tainted. Every day I was consistently torturing myself with images of this boy fucking the girl I loved. However the relationship itself outside of those horrible thoughts with her a the day was thriving. Our communication was brilliant and the relationship had never felt better. However I was still emotionally shattered, trying to make things work but constantly thinking about her experience with this boy. Eventually I blew up and sent her a big paragraph of how much she hurt me and she didn’t like that. She had done as much as she could for me and I had slept with someone else aswell. She ended up breaking up with me again.
This was 3 weeks ago and I have spent these 3 weeks absolutely fucking depressed doing anything to numb myself. I think about her all the time, I still love her but she slept with someone else. I know I did the same but it was her that ended things, slept with someone else and decided to come back. I was fucked in the head and wasn’t thinking clearly over things she’s done so I can’t be mad at myself.
I wish she never came back into my life cause I spend most of my time thinking we’d be absolutely fine had she not met this boy at this stupid fucking afterparty. I can honestly see myself doing the same thing in her shoes but I didn’t. I’m emotionally destroyed cause I’m not even mad at her I’m mad at the universe for teasing me so bad with us getting back together. It’s like the fact she’s hurt me I’ve put her so high on a pedestal, loving her more than I probably did during the relationship and the fact the relationship was thriving aside from what she did. I don’t know what to do or feel I’m lost. It’s not black and white, there’s no bad guy here which makes it all so much harder to process. I love and miss her but I’m not sure the relationship could’ve worked after what she did. It was a stupid mistake I could see myself doing but there’s some part of me that will always see her tainted by giving her body to someone else.
Hi Adam.
I can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through. The person you loved slept with someone else, which hurt you badly and affected your self-esteem. Despite that, you shouldn’t have slept with someone else. Couples who love each other don’t give free passes. They talk about their insecurities and recommit to each other. You’re both still young and have a lot to learn. I encourage you to reflect on your mistakes and decisions and become a stronger person as a result.
When couples reconcile, the relationships require a ton of work. You both needed to take the relationship seriously and act maturely. I agree that she shouldn’t have come back f she wasn’t serious about you. It seems that she acted on nostalgia or fear rather than love.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hi, I have a complicated story. I was with my ex on and off for years. He was my first everything, I was the first girl he slept with. He was always telling me he missed a certain ex that I didn’t like and he emotionally cheated on me with her twice. He “dumped” me by texting me saying he needed time to be alone, but was publicly with her not even a week later. He made me look and feel like a fool, and everytime he came back he said he regretted it and wanted me. Finally after this occurred 3 times and he begged for me back I let him know I’d give him another chance, since he had asked for forgiveness. I caught wind that he liked a coworker of his and I discovered he was emotionally cheating on me with this random girl not even 3 weeks after begging for me back. I was devastated. When I confronted him about it he called me crazy and told me he’d never speak to me again, and ultimately blocked me on everything and pursued a relationship with this girl – he moved in with her even because it was the start of Covid and they wanted to spend time together I guess. 3-4 months after this situationship with him ended for me, an acquaintance from highschool (who lives out of state) started to give me some attention. No one else has ever given me any attention other than my ex. This acquaintance was in my ex’s former friend group of 8-10 guys, none of which were genuinely good friends, they just acted childish together and liked that my ex had money to fund their activities. They were not personally pals. I talked to him for 2 weeks, flirting, and that led to a non fruitful hook up (no one went down, no one was fully naked, no one got off at all), then I never saw him again. Flash forward about 8 months, I had experienced the lowest lows and was actively working on myself because I knew I still loved my ex and I never wanted to be less than for him. He came back, begged for another chance, and we were together for a year. I loved him, it was such a happy time. But we never talked about our times apart so I never mentioned what had happened, and he never mentioned who he spent his time with. He then dumps me, again, to “be alone”, and ends up publicly with another coworker 2 weeks later. I was devastated. I went on antidepressants and did therapy for a LONG time. I blocked him and went no contact for 2 years. His mom called me this summer to reconnect us because he felt ready for us to try again, and he meant it forever. I knew I needed to be honest with him because I didn’t want to pursue this if he would hate me later for finding out. So I told him, and he said that I was low and dirty for trying to move on with his ‘friend’. I’ve talked to his family, no one considered this guy one of my ex’s friends, so for him to use this as the reason he doesn’t want to try again feels weird? He left me 4 times – for 3 different girls, where he slept with them multiple times & had relationships with them and that hurt me but I came to realize that what he did in his life was up to him, I just needed to trust that going forward now he wouldn’t do that. He isn’t giving me the same benefit, and is holding me to some sexist standard and saying I shouldn’t have been with anyone else, especially the guy who gave me attention. I never romantically liked the guy I hooked up with, I went through with it because I knew I could never legitimately like him, I just needed to break my physical connection to my ex because I had never experienced anything else. I admitted I was wrong and he’s holding me to this high standard and not letting go of the past, which I have let go for him. What do I do? I still love him so much and I always did. I never pursued any relationships with other men because loved him so much. He just deeply hurt me 4 years ago and that’s what I tried to do to move on, and I’m not that same person anymore.
Hi Heather.
You should have taken your ex seriously when he told you he liked his ex. It was as sign he was going to cheat on you with her if he got a chance to do so. The guy cheated on you multiple times and with multiple women. It’s clear he didn’t love you and care about your health and well-being. If he did, he wouldn’t have done what he did. I’m almost certain he cheated on you with all of them as he branched to them right away (not weeks after breaking up).
I don’t think you love this person. You’re just attached because you don’t love yourself. You have to get rid of him because when you do, life will get much better. You’ll recover emotionally, build emotional strength, and meet people who actually respect you.
Hang in there!
Zan
hello all,
My girlfriend and I had issues for some weeks now, she actually broke up with me just a week ago, 3days after our break up, she actually had sex with someone, she has had sex with in the past.
she is not willing to give me the name of whoeever it is,but says she did this to get off that heated phase of us and didnt think we would be back in this relationship.
she is given me information on where she met this guy and has vowed she never had something to do with this guy whenever we have been together
How do i handle this??
should i get her to block this guy for good??
should i just let this go because we were not together?
Hi Stephen.
You should work on rebuilding trust. It won’t be easy and will take time, but preferably, she should delete him and block him on her own. From now on, she should be more honest about her feelings and should work on the reasons she left you.
A lot of work needs to be done, Stephen. The relationship will be difficult for a while from now on.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’m Janessa. Victor and I have been dating for almost a whole year, but known each other for a year and a half. We met through my childhood friend who met him at uni. Everything started out perfect, but when the dust settled and he went to school a little over an hour away, we both quickly realized that we clashed in the way we communicated. When things were good, they were perfect, but when they were bad, it was terrible. Our arguments could be really explosive.
One weekend I went out to visit him and celebrate his school’s homecoming with our mutual girl friends at the club. At the end of the night, I was drunk, cold, and someone had stolen my jacket. A random guy, Andrew, offered me his jacket outside the club and it was only that. I informed him I had a bf before anything and he didn’t even expect to get it back. There was no flirting whatsoever.
This situation made Victor more insecure than he had already been in our relationship. I don’t think he was accustomed to being with a girl who got so much male attention and he often made me feel guilty for being my usual outgoing self. It was a constant issue for us.
Throughout the relationship we had more issues and he tried to break up with me on 3 separate occasions. The last time, I decided I would let him go in peace. And for the first time, I chose me. Especially because he broke up with me after just asking him to try and be present in our relationship and call me every now and then. However, our lines were a bit blurred because we were around each other due to our mutual friends and were still sleeping with each other. After about 3 weeks-1 month, I told him I wanted to cut contact.
Though he promised he would come back to me, his past attempts to break up with me had made me insecure about my place in his life, so I forced myself to move on. A little into this, he came over to my house and trauma dumped, explaining why he felt the need to leave. I felt his reasons were valid, but I also thought that he was quick to try and leave.
At this point, I was mentally over the relationship. He often made me feel silenced and I enjoyed not feeling that way. It was weird because I was so scared to break up, but I felt relief. Instead of taking him back, I decided to tell him I needed time to myself. I blocked Victor and he constantly tried to get in contact with me.
I ended up seeing Andrew on one of my mutuals stories on his bday and decided to talk to him. I had no intentions of it going any further than that, but for some reason his validation just felt good, especially because I hadn’t gotten it from my ex in a long while. Long story short, I went over to his, spent the weekend, and we slept together. This was the second guy that I’ve ever been sexually intimate with, so this was out of the norm for me.
It was never more than just that. We did get along, but things were rather casual. A few weeks later, my ex sent me flowers with the cutest message while he was away at school and I knew I had to go back because things were amazing with him. I missed him too much. And though we had our disagreements, we could always count on each other to be there for one another without hesitation.
The day he wanted to come over to talk, I told him absolutely everything. He took me to get tested and we talked. Fast forward to now, we’ve been on and off since then because Victor was already insecure about the jacket situation and this didn’t make it better. I decided to block Andrew.
Victor brings it up often and no matter how much I request he bring it up respectfully, he rarely does. I started out trying to reassure him constantly, but it got harder every time he said more harsh things about the situation and I. I definitely stopped reassuring him, which was wrong on my part.
Now, it’s been 3 months and nothing has changed in our dynamic. He’s now requested 2 months of the summer for him to “get over things.” Nothing exclusive, both of us single.
Should I keep trying to work on things with him or should I just let things go? Sometimes I don’t know if I’m being selfish for staying and whether he’d be better off without me.
~ Janessa
Hi Janessa.
You should let him go. The reason being, the damage that was done to him. He’s still anxious about your sleeping with the other guy. It will take him months to get over it. Not only that, but he hasn’t matured yet. He’s still insecure and will continue to feel and act jealous. You tried to make things work multiple times, and it only got worse. This is a sign that the relationship with him couldn’t and won’t progress. If you reconcile, it will continue to face the same issues.
Think of this relationship as an experience and something that wasn’t going to last forever. You both need to learn from this ordeal.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am a liar. I’ve lied about parts of my life and fabricated my life story for sympathy, so people would love me more or think a certain way of me. I’ve been this way since high school and have only this year begun therapy to fix it.
My ex Dominic and I were together for 6 months. I confessed to him my lies and over the course of a week back and forth, he broke up with me. These lies vary in significance. He felt manipulated and betrayed because I did manipulate and betray his trust. He told me he still loved me. It was painful admitting my darkest secret to the person I loved most, and him rejecting me because of it.
During us being apart, I had a surgery to my hip. It was a difficult to handle heart break and immobility at the same time. I reached a place of understanding and acceptance for his decision and forgave him for leaving me. I friend zoned anybody who expressed interest in me and never lost hope for us getting back together someday.
3 months after he broke up with me, Dom messaged saying he missed me and regrets handling our breakup the way he did. I messaged him back asking to meet in person to discuss it, and he didn’t respond. I went on 1 date, during which I told the guy I hadn’t healed and asked to be friends.
2 weeks after this, behind my back, sister (Frida) messaged Dominic, told him I was going through a hard time with my surgery and asked him not to mess around with my feelings. Through this, she found out Dom never received my response asking to meet, and couldn’t receive any messages from me. Frida tells Dom I did respond, and Dom calls me.
We eventually do meet, I confirmed he never got my response, (technological issue). He said he needed time to seperate the fact that I had hurt and betrayed him and the fact that I was sharing a deep flaw and vulnerability. He says he wants to try to work things out. However, he also tells me he went on a date with and kissed someone 2 weeks after our breakup, and slept with someone after he thought I never responded to him.
I am hurt he sent the message of wanting me back only to go sleep with somebody else so soon after. I didn’t ask why he felt the need to do that. The ball is on my court now and I’m hurt. I know I’m attaching my self worth to whether or not Dom wants me.
I love him and I want to forgive him like he forgave me for lying. I want to enjoy being in love and be cared for and heard by him, however I am now the one unsure on whether our relationship can survive this. I don’t want to be hurt by him sleeping with someone else and attempting to move on so quickly, but I am. It is painful to think about. I do want to be with him but am so scared and hurt.
What can we do to build trust? How to handle the pain of him truly have had moving on. What do I do? I love him
Hi Kushi.
Your ex decided to move on, so if you do get back together, it will need a lot of work to rebuild the foundation. Trust was basically ruined as he’d slept with someone else and showed you how easy it was to replace the physical aspect of you.
Trust will take months to rebuild. I would start with simple conversation. Ask him if he wants the relationship and if he’s willing to give it time to develop. If he is, work on things together as a couple and consider signing up for therapy. There’s a lot to talk about and work through.
Pain will go away gradually when you accept his behavior and discover your worth.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello my name is cynthia. Here is my story i need to tell it because i cant eat or sleep its affecting my mental health and i want to sort out my thoughts. Nick and I are like two peas in a pod. We’ve been together for almost three years. And he’s the type of guy who is most comfortable in his shell so when it comes to me he is willing to do the most scary outgoing things to be with me, or build your complicated vanity for you, or buy you those orange senpasuchil flowers for Halloween cause he knows your Mexican. I bring him out of his shell, i cheer him when I push him to jump off a cliff in water, or take him to Oaxaca, or take him extreme camping.we also have problems he doesnt always handle my feelings the best he’s hard headed and doesnt always validate me and I take it to the extreme when he doesnt hurting him back. It all changed when he moved out to be closer to the police academy he was starting. That’s when it went south. He became distant still loving but distant, got new academy friends became a different person, Hardly recognizable he lost a lot of weight and had a different lifestyle. I missed us so much i felt thrown away. We argued about it multiple times for multiple weeks and I got fed up. Broke u with him and went on tinder (I’ve done this petty crap in the past) but this time i met a funny guy. I actually liked him we had a good time i kissed his cheek and he held me close. Eventually though Nick wanted to be together and I couldn’t bring myself to throw us away that easily. Then during one of those fights I lost it and told him id sleep with the guy I met on tinder and I blocked Nick. I did not mean it and it was my biggest immature mistake. A week later he eventually takes me back and we work so fucking hard at it. Two months later Our fight decrease he gets way better at handeling my feelings and we dont let his demanding career get in between us. Then I get std symptoms i have it and I dont understand how. I look through his phone find out a blocked number of this girl saying “i thought we had a good time” I call the number and she confirms my worst nightmare. At this point im historical. He says he went tinder when i broke up with him and tried to forget me he said “I felt like you threw me away like trash” and that she wanted to sleep with him so he tried but he could finish sleeping with her and he didn’t tell me because he wore a condom and was scared that I would for sure leave him. I cant handle this information. I dont know what to do anymore. We were doing better we were going to therapy. And he mentioned couples therapy. I just dont know if i can get past it.
Can people get past something like this? Everyone is me that what he did was messed up but i also know that I had a part in it. Im scared that he will do something like this again. He lied so I don’t trust him very much. Am I lacking self respect if I forgive or does mean that I believe we can grow from these immature bad experiences.
Hi Cynthia.
You both did some immature things. He failed to communicate and refused to include you in his new life and you went on Tinder and said some harsh words. You both acted on emotions and tried to hurt each other. You can get past something like this if you start spending a lot of time together and looking for solutions to fix it. It won’t get repaired on its own. Trust takes time to rebuild. But it will require commitment, gratitude, and lots of love and forgiveness.
You need to figure out if that’s what you’re willing to do and if the guy wants the same.
Best regards,
Zan
this was such mature kind response thank you
I hope it helped, Cynthia.
Let me know if you have any questions or anything.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello. 21yo female here. I have been in love with my first childhood boyfriend since we were kids. We did everything together, 24/7 together, we were such a big part of each other’s lives. Later on in high school we got into a relationship (platonic at the time). He hadn’t proceeded with intimacy yet, but we were planning on it, wanting this unique experience to be between us. It didnt happen though. Him and I weren’t compatible really, but it was the first time I felt, seen, wanted by someone…
At some point things got messy, we broke it off, I left abroad for university, he remained in the country for military service and work, no contact for 4-5 years. I was never really over him tbh. This New Years’ he approached me on social media wanting to reunite. My heart almost exploded and I was so happy that this was happening. But in the back of my mind I knew there was a possibility of him having slept with someone else. I’m still a virgin, I’ve kept it cuz I never really got over him and didn’t feel like I connected with anyone else the way I did with him. For about 2 months we were talking about our reunion and casually catching up, making plans for when I return in the country. But I really had to ask this question, it was crucial for me to know.
Upon asking, he got ultra offended, passive aggressive, bothered that I even dared ask such thing. He sensed it was important for me to know, that his sneaky energy made me uneasy and yet still chose not to address anything and leave me on delivered… After a couple of days when he decided to (partially) come clean, he came with this “wtf did u expect? that I would wait for u eternally?” “we grab chances once they come our way” attitude… The more he was talking the worse he was making it… He was like “I dont care if u slept with 100 men after me” (which to me was sooo sus and off putting).. He didn’t show any sympathy or willingness to address how I feel… He didn’t communicate clearly, zero emotional intelligence. Intimacy is very important to me, for emotional and physical reasons… And I truly value it being with my person. But the way he spoke, the way he felt entitled to it, the way it seemed for him its like taking a p*ss turned me off so badly… He clearly doesn’t value sex or me the same way I value sex and connection with people… On top of that, he said that none of that matters, what matters is that he never got over me… and I should just shut up, accept what happened and just go reunite with him… I suspect it happened with some childhood friend of mine that was competing against me and was jealous of me throughout school. Once I left abroad she went after him right away…
I could never look past that. Even If we reunited I would never in a million years be okay with what happened. He left such a huge sensory imprint on my brain from childhood that cant be erased… and with the heartbreak that happened recently, its x100 more soul-crashing… I’m trying to separate my feelings from the facts. Sounds like the only solid way to cope at the moment.
The thing is, I had chances too at university, I had guys approach me, I just couldn’t move on with any of them… My heart was always there with the childhood love. It’s been like 10 years already that I keep on having these feelings for him. It’s like my brain got stuck there in that era and never really moved on. But reality hits way different when they prove what they are made of, when they sell you in no time, without second thought… I just dont understand how he comes back saying he loves me to death and never got over him while sleeping around… I know men function differently and have needs, but I absolutely dont roll with any of that.. The way I love is different, the way I operate is different.. I stood my ground and placed my values above everything else.
I think this kinda screams trauma bond, but Im trying my best to process it…
Hi Julianna.
He didn’t want to wait for you the way you did. The guy took every opportunity he got, which to me, means he didn’t value you. He just went with the flow and slept with women. Right now, this matters to you a lot, but a few years down the line, you’ll see that most people do this. They have intimate relationships with the intention to experience everything life has to offer.
At least the guy showed you what a bad communicator he was. Now you can slowly realize that he isn’t your ideal partner. He’s someone you overvalued due to your premature relationship experiences. You need to rewire your brain, detox from him, and understand that there are better guys out there.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex and I were building a relationship together for a full year, when he decided he needed to be on his own because he didn’t know if he loved me anymore. The fighting was too much and we were both scared it wouldn’t work if we didn’t work on ourselves.
However, he got us a dog for Christmas, we were planning on moving in together next month and he reassured me he did love me and could never leave. His lack of feelings came out of the blue last month, and he seemed to be much more distant. I kept trying to make sure everything was okay, and he said it was.
Then, all of a sudden, he goes home in the middle of the night (he lives a couple hours away and usually leaves in the morning). He says he doesn’t want the next day to be ruined and that ne needs to leave asap. The next morning at 5am, he calls me to say it’s over and he needs time to himself.
I was heartbroken of course, since he said he loved me and slept with (this was something extremely special, as he is religious and it means more than fun to him) me the night before, and was now stuck with a new puppy and no idea where to live as we were about to move in together and my lease is going to be up at the end of this month.
The whole week I cried nonstop, thought of him every day, blamed myself for everything, and even wrote a letter to leave for him just in case he might drive back on the weekend to pick up some things. He did end up coming over on the Saturday, and we had a long talk about how he needed at least a couple months to figure out if he really did love me. So I had panic attacks every night and kept crying and feeling horrible that week.
Finally, I decided that I will be moving back across the country for a month to visit family. I wrote him one more letter to say goodbye, and once I sent it, he called me the next night to tell me something: he had slept with someone else. We have been broken up for less than two weeks. What’s worse, he drove 3 hours to my city just to meet and sleep with this girl. He spent the whole evening with her taking her out, then went back to her place and spent the whole night… When I saw him on the Saturday, that was the very next morning after. He read my letter, kissed me, told me to wait, blah blah blah when he had literally just slept with someone else.
So anyways, we talk over the phone again the next morning (this morning, actually) for two hours and he tells me he wants me back. So apparently, when he “didn’t know” if he wanted to be with me, he just felt too guilty to tell me about her.
Now I don’t know how to feel, because I would have gone to the ends of the earth to get him back. I would’ve given my life. But now I don’t think I could ever forgive him. He planned this date many days prior, drove 3 hours, went out on a date for hours, then went back to her place and betrayed me (multiple times that night, apparently. You’re right, the details freaking suck).
He made the conscious decision over and over to deceive me and he even says he KNEW it would tear me apart, but he did it anyway. Now he says he would do anything to fix it and would change the past if he could. But I can’t forgive him for the way he hurt me; the way he KNEW he was hurting me. I could never touch him again or believe him if he ever said he loved me, because you do not do that. Not even to someone you despise.
Please help…. I don’t know what to do. I am so terrified. I can’t forgive him, but I love him. I am looking for any possible solution to ease the pain, but every one I come up with hurts.
Hi Elle.
You shouldn’t do anything right now. By the looks of it, the guy had met this woman before the relationship ended. He must have developed feelings for her, and when it got serious, broke up with you. The only advice I can give you is to distance yourself and let him date people. That’s what he decided to do, so that’s what he must have the freedom to do.
Tell yourself that you’re not to blame for the breakup and that he’s not your ideal partner. Ideal partners don’t cheat and/or give up like this.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your reply.
He has made it clear since that he only spoke to her when they met months ago and then when we broke up. He has also made it clear that he does not have any feelings and it was the biggest mistake of his life.
However, for some reason, he won’t remove her from social media and lies about it. I know he will not date her but what I don’t understand is why he keeps betraying me.
There is nothing I can do, as you said, but I just wish I could understand why he says he wants to do anything to prove to me that he wants me, but refuses to get rid of her. I’m at a loss.
Hi Elle.
He keeps doing this to you because he lacks empathy, which is the ability to put himself in your shoes and understand how you feel. He’s doing what he wants to do because he doesn’t want to get rid of the connection he has with the other person. A person who values you will do anything you ask him to do.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I was broken up with my ex for 6 months..I was the dumpee trying desperately to get him back. We ended over constant arguing, but when he contacted me again, his only condition was that we didn’t talk about what happened while we weren’t together. I didn’t date or have sex with anyone while we were apart..but the way he gets so dismissive of it makes me think that he has. We were together for 3 years , but my only condition is that I want to know what happened while we were apart. The Last time we were long distance, I found out that he cheated on me and was sending girls nudes and vice versa. During the break I was in the psychiatric er for 2 weeks because I wasn’t eating or taking care of myself.. I’d rather him tell me now if anything happened before we live together again..and I just find out. He gets annoyed by me constantly asking him, and it’s ruining us which isn’t my intention..I just want to know if you think I should evoke no contact for good this time.
Thank you, Royal.
Hi Royal.
He must feel guilty for branching to someone else and wants to avoid thinking about it. Instead of processing it, he’s running away from it. And that makes it hard for you to understand what happened and trust him. This person needs to understand that his way of dealing with guilt isn’t right and that it’s causing problems for the two of you.
If you do no contact, do it because you’re done with him, not to manipulate him into opening up to you.
As a couple, you need to communicate efficiently. You can’t sweep the past under the rug and pretend everything’s fine. That won’t help you process things and move past them.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex and I were in a two year relationship. We broke up due to him mostly feeling as though I was putting my career goals ahead of him instead of focusing on him and our relationship. I used to spend every available moment I had with him. I didn’t even have time for my own self to do solo activities.
We mutually did agree to go our separate ways after enough bickering, but deep down I still wanted to make it work, but ultimately he did not want to get back together. To avoid any attempts of me reaching out to him I blocked /deleted him from my phone and social media.
Two years later, he reaches out to me via email (the one place I didn’t think of blocking) wanting to see how I have been. He wanted to “talk” and asked me to hear him out. I was surprised to hear from him, and wasn’t sure if it was good or bad. I went against my better judgment and decided to hear him out. We started talking a bit, he apologized for how he treated me and said he wasn’t looking or expecting anything from me. I still cared a lot about him. The depth of love I once had wasn’t there like before but I still would have liked to keep him in my life as long as he didn’t hurt me so again. Time went on, we would flirt in between and before long we got back to that comfortable place where we could talk about the break up without getting emotional.
Months went by we continued chatting, flirting and even talks about getting back together, then one day out of the blue he said that he had something to tell me. I told him that it sounded serious. He admitted that shortly after we had broken up, he had met someone and they started dating and shortly after they were having sex. Eventually she got pregnant and he’s now a father and (at the time of this conversation) married. I felt really hurt, betrayed and angry that he kept this information from me for so long (almost 1 year of talking). He said that he was divorced now but only married the woman, that he wasn’t truly in love with her but it was for the sake of the baby (which I called BS).
He wanted us to try and at least be friends despite our feelings for each other. I tried to maintain a distance but somehow whenever he reaches out I can’t help but feel sorry for him even though I feel really upset and angry by how long he took to tell me about him having “moved on” and secondly how incredibly fast to me it felt he had moved on got this woman pregnant.
I still try to keep an open mind about his situation but it is very difficult. At some point we met up to talk at my home and we ended up making out and having sex (the physical chemistry is definitely still there). I didn’t feel bad at the time but then he told me he was still married and not actually divorced, but in the process of doing so. I got really mad all over again and felt really stupid that I subjected myself once again to falling for his words.
After he apologized over and over, we still communicated, but needed some time to process things. He was patient and didn’t pressure me and eventually I told him how I felt about it, the hurt, the anger everything. He said he understood but hoped we could still remain on talking terms. So I told him that I would but if it got too much I would leave. We get along well except when it’s time for him to have visitation to see his child, he gets very distant and cold. He doesn’t say much to me once he is with his child. After visitation the next day he comes back talking to me normal like nothing happened. I have to ask him to tell me how everything went. When I told him my concerns and his behavior he thinks I’m over thinking the issue.
When he asked me if I would ever give our relationship another shot I told him maybe if he did not get another woman pregnant right after we broke up I may have considered it. He said he understood, but this is how I feel. Maybe I could have overlooked him being divorced but the fact now he has a child and the way he is towards me when he’s with his child I am struggling with. This has been going on and off for about 5 years now (where I had probably stopped talking to him . I know I should walk away from him but I feel like my heart is holding me prisoner.
Hi Jenna.
You must be strong and do what your mind wants, not the heart. It’s okay to be attracted to him, but don’t forget the lies and things he didn’t tell you. He did that on purpose to get on your good side and get you to trust him again.
If you ask me, there’s probably too much water under the bridge to fix things and have a good relationship with him. But ultimately, it’s up to you.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m going through this right now I found out my ex had sex with somebody twice the same person and but the way I found out was the girl posted something on a site that says are you dating him and then my other girlfriend found her and she said yeah that’s my girlfriend’s boyfriend but maybe they’re not together and she confirmed that I said yeah we’re on a break we’re in a broken up and stuff and okay and then so I read the comments this girl wrote and she seemed very infatuated with my ex-boyfriend and it ate at me and I decided to confront her and I asked her I said did he tell you the reason why he single and then she didn’t want to get involved blah blah blah but then we kept talking and then she finally told me and stuff she said something about he doesn’t like to be alone and he’s only staying with me because he doesn’t want to be alone and he told other intimate stuff with her but he was very drunk he just got admitted to alcoholic rehab and after learning about this I don’t know who to believe I confronted him and he said you know just you know two time thing whatever she doesn’t mean anything blah blah blah I don’t know whether to believe him I don’t know whether to believe her and so therefore I’m out dating as well but I I still love him I really don’t have the desire to have sex with anybody and he’s in rehab and he really can’t do anything we can’t talk so I don’t know what to do I’m trying to date I don’t know if I want to be intimate because I feel like I would be cheating on him but I’m not but and I feel betrayed by him because when he was having sex with me she was wondering where he was and then when I was away at work he was having sex with her so I feel very like betrayed but I guess I got my hopes up when we did have sex together I was hoping that we were you know repairing our relationship but that’s my story. What should I do?
Hi Christa.
You have every right to feel betrayed. Not just because he went behind your back and lied, but because he two-timed two girls at the same time. This really shows what a selfish person he is. You don’t need to date other people and sleep with them right now, but you should probably end this with your ex. He’s most likely not going to change and give you what you’re looking for.
He would have changed by now if he felt guilty and responsible for fixing the mess he created.
Kind regards,
Zan
Well, it happens. And I find it interesting how so many people have a one-way attitude about it — it’s OK if she gets some action during a technical “break” of some sort, but when I went and spent a “blind-date weekend” with a gal I had met through work (pre-internet days, she was my phone contact-person at an insurance company based 5 hours away), that wasn’t OK.
I even told the on-going off-again girlfriend (then age 22) I was going to visit a woman I knew from work, and she was seemingly OK with it. This same on/off girlfriend had recently disappeared for a weekend (with no notice) and had a sex-filled weekend with her ex; I didn’t like it, but we weren’t officially exclusive, either. Anyway, I guess since I was 24 years old and the on/off girlfriend was only my third “all-the-way” sex partner, she didn’t think I would actually end up having sex with this new acquaintance; I didn’t really expect to either, and (after meeting) the woman wasn’t someone i would normally pursue (no real chemistry), but when i realized she was willing to f*** if I wanted to, and I was staying at her place anyway as planned prior to the trip, and I got to choose her bed or the couch, number 4 she was. I get back home on Sunday night, and Monday go over to see the on/off girlfriend. Miss On/off asks about my trip; and I told her it wasn’t a love connection, and I doubted we would ever get together again (which was the truth). But she starts asking for details, and I figured (a) she asked and (b) she has no place to get too mad given the on/off nature of our relationship and the fact that she spent a weekend f***ing her ex just 3 weekends ago, so (c) telling her the truth would be fine . . . Oh my. That girl went off on me as if we were engaged to get married and she just found out I f***ed her best friend at a party last night. I asked her why she was so mad, given that she had hooked up with her ex just three weekends prior, and she said that was different because he was her ex and she had already had sex with him prior to us dating, and it wasn’t a new guy (her body count didn’t increase as a result of the weekend). We only had one more date after that, which was actually 2 months later and she had started dating another guy; I suggested that we have one last date, and I promised to never bother her again; to my shock, she was agreeable to it. She’s consistent I guess, it was apparently OK in her mind to hook up with me because she had already met my penis before she started dating this guy, and it didn’t increase her body count. Not good if you are the other guy, but hey, I was young and she was offering . . . .
Anyway, the fact that people are supposedly on a “break” doesn’t seem to matter to some people, as they still get totally pissed. And for sure, some people have double standards about it, too. As a follow-up, four months after the events that I just shared, the girl marries that guy she chested on with me, and he turned out to be her ex’s now former best friend. I’m thinking I dodged a bullet and sort of glad that I had sex with woman #4 because it ultimately saved me from getting more involved with #3. I found #3 on facebook 25 years after the fact, and apparently the marriage to the best friend of the ex didn’t last long, and she married someone else, had some kids, got divorced again, and had just recently married another guy. Poor thing, her life was pretty messed up for a while, but it looks like she has finally found a stable relationship.
Hi Hank.
It’s “okay” to sleep with other people, but this tends to complicate things if a couple gets back together. Many couples feel guilty as if they’ve betrayed their partner’s trust. What they did for certain was prove to themselves that they’re wanted and that if things get tough again that they can just leave. Therefore, sleeping with other people can make couples give up quicker or give them anxiety.
Usually, only one person suggests “a break.” That person normally dates around whereas the other one keeps waiting for his/her ex to return. It’s best to be honest about it and just break up.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m back with my ex and we’re together already 4 months. When we broke up, I traveled and had sex with a guy I met in Portugal. I couldn’t hide it from my ex and I told him about that in the next few days. It took him some time to heal and forgive me ( even though I didn’t consider it as cheating bc we were separated back then, but I felt guilty about it and I tried to reconnect with him). 2 days ago he confessed that he was so hurt and desperate that he had sex with a stranger ( after 2 weeks of the news about my sex with a stranger). He said that he tried to heal that way but it didn’t work and he felt horrible after it. I remember that period that he came to me back and told me that he loves me and wants to be with me only.
I feel really bad now. I feel horrible that he didn’t tell me all this time, he had 4 months for that but he didn’t tell me.
I don’t know how to handle this situation, I feel horrible and i’m heartbroken ( despite knowing that I have no rights to complain or feel bad about this incident as we were not together and I started first…). How to deal with this?
Hi Maria.
You have to remember that this guy cheated on you. He was committed to you, but “felt bad” (meant jealous), so he betrayed you and got even. He needs to grow a lot before he can be in a serious relationship.
You have to decide whether you want to stay with an impulsive cheater or if you deserve better. Try to make a rational decision.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Zan.
Do you think he’s a cheater even if he did it while we were apart? ( we broke up almost for 6 months). Does that mean that we both cheated? As we both did the same and regretted equally.
Hi Maria.
If you broke up, he’s not a cheater. He’s a cheater only if you were in a committed relationship. The same goes for you.
Best regards,
Zan
I was the dumpee, and I had sex with someone else after the break-up. I’m not back with my ex but we had sex and she doesn’t know I had sex with someone else one night. I can’t sleep at night because I really didn’t think about it at all, I do love my ex and I care for her and I want to tell her so bad; but I can’t stand thinking about how this can affect her because she suffers from PTSD from abandonment issues and is has suicidal tendencies, and I can’t make the choice of telling her or not. Right now we are not trying to get back together but we are becoming close as friends again and I fear that if I wait any longer this will consume me.
Hi Dustin.
It seems that you want to get some things off your chest. Consider telling her the truth soon so she knows and can protect herself if she wants to. How she deals is not important. Just be there for her if she needs support.
Kind regards,
Zan
I really thought that my ex would handle the breakup maturely, but instead, he went back out there and slept with someone he probably met not too long ago.
And yes my pain was more severe than losing a family member or a romantic partner.
But I healed it with your help Zan that’s why I will always be grateful
🤍
Hi going through the same thing at the moment except he came back into my life , I did not know he slept with someone else while we were broken up because even at that time while he did sleep with someone else, he was also sleeping with me , spending time with me, going on little dates with me, even as far as him asking me to help him out financially with car issues and rent, which I did. We eventually got back together and I’m trying to see if I can work it out but it’s so hard to when I dream about it and picture it, it sometimes is very hard for me to be intimate with him. He never really knows what to say to me other than he’s sorry and he regrets it. He never really wants to talk about it either. The one time we did he cried horribly, and I just wonder what goes in through his head , I found out by texting the only contact that was blocked. I was so angry when I found out because he had been accusing me of doing things, checking my phone, and removing guys from instagram. I still don’t know what I can do to overcome it, it’s really put my confidence and self esteem at a very low point , I tend to compare myself a lot..
The more I think about it, the more I believe reconciliations are too much work to a point where they probably are not worth it. Especially if there is cheating involved, too much damage has been done to write off, repair and re-build trust. If your partner returns and you’re still single, you can be tempted to reconcile, but I’m starting to feel that it maybe would still need less courage to deny and keep moving forward to find someone else with no negative associations, than it would be to re-build something with your partner unless you’ve had a really long lasting relationship and had broken up for not very severe reasons.
Not to mention, the expected maturity as described in this article is a lot less common to come by than one would think, especially for people in their 30s or younger.
I agree with every point. Add to that, that you’re going to have to contend with the huge emotional challenge of accepting that your ex has slept with other people. Sounds doable in theory, but as a guy, highly unlikely in reality
If your gf/bf monkey branched, would you still apply the same recommendations?
Also, would asking for details reveal things he/she wouldn’t have done with the the person cheated upon and to start a dialogue of healing as well?
“Always remember that if someone has romantic feelings for you that you have a moral obligation not to get involved with other people. You have to help your ex (or the person who has a crush on you) first and make sure he or she can handle the rejection/separation anxiety before you start getting close to others.”
That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard! If the dumper has been upfront that they and the dumpee are no longer going to be together, they’ve already fulfilled their moral and emotional obligations to the dumpee. Maybe the dumpee did stay committed until the end, but the end is in the past. If an employer fires you, they don’t owe you any further salary or benefits after your last paycheck. And if we’re just talking about a crush, they never owed you a damn thing.
Hi Jaycie.
That’s exactly where the issue is. Dumpers often consider relationships to be business transactions. They don’t think that people get attached and have feelings. If dumpers were more understanding of dumpees and treated them with kindness, there wouldn’t be so many people with broken hearts and trust issues out there.
Kind regards,
Zan
Yes, people do get attached. That’s why it’s kinder and more honest to sever the attachment as cleanly as possible. I know of no dumper who thinks a dumpee’s feelings will completely disappear along with the relationship. It may not erase the heartbreak, but that’s an occupational hazard of breakups no matter the circumstances.
Hi Zan,
I’m currently going through the exact same situation described in your article. I’ve been together with my now ex for 17 years. I have been by her side in situations where I don’t know how many other people would have taken it upon then to deal with, but for me that was love, and love makes you want to take your partner’s pain onto you, to try it all to make it better for them.
It has now been 7 months since she broke up with me.
Just 6 months after officially breaking up, she has had sex with another guy. Most probably the texting, chatting, flirting , dating, connecting with this other man began much earlier than one month ago.
During all this time apart, and even after she had sex with the other guy, she was constantly sending me signals that to me were a very loud “I want to get back together, but I just need more time by myself”. I tried giving her all the space she asked for and not be pushy, having no idea of the truth.
Just last week she finally told me about her other relationship, so that’s two months after they had sex.
I got the same excuses that you listed: it has nothing to do with you, it was only about me finding myself, we were not a couple anymore. I call that BS.
You know what, people can tell you all they want that what your ex did while you were not together is none of your business, but it doesn’t work like that, the heart and the mind don’t know of such limits, you can’t put your love and hopes and expectations on pause during this time so that it wouldn’t matter.
I think all these people who say it’s not your business what your ex did during the breakup, have either never gone through a situation like this, or they are just lying to themselves out of fear and hurt.
We all deserve the decency to a chance of closure, especially after a multi-year relationship in which you were actively thinking, talking and working on a future together.
Right now I feel humiliated, used.
For some sick reason she still wants me around, though she has made it clear she doesn’t want to end the other relationship. I guess it’s hard for someone to give up on the feeling of protection and care they got.
I found your article to speak exactly what I’m feeling. I was so confused and scared that these day I was even telling her I want to get back together, that I’m willing to to all it takes, to change everything about me for her.
But at the same time I felt such a huge conflict in me.
Now I understand it was the fear and anxiety in me that were begging her to come back. And the conflict was because of the feeling of betrayal and lack of respect and humiliation I feel.
Hi Adrian.
It’s not you who needs to change. She’s the one who lied to you and strung you along out of fear of disappointing and hurting you as well as herself. You need to stay far away from this woman, Adrian. She’s dating around, so she’s not only useless to you but also dangerous to you. You need to focus fully on yourself so you can realize what she’s done to you.
Kind regards,
Zan
it took her 6 months?? wow, mine took just 3 days for her to jump in bed with someone else