When He Says He Doesn’t Know What He Wants

When a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants, the truth is that he knows exactly what he wants. He knows he wants to end the relationship with you because he’s lost feelings for you and needs to be alone. He just doesn’t want to tell you that straight to your face because if he does, there’s a chance he’s going to hurt you and risk seeing you react negatively.

That means that his “I don’t know what I want” line is nothing but a breakup excuse. It’s what cowards use to divert attention away from their partner so they can soften the blow and make their partner do the heavy lifting (breaking up) for them.

They don’t have it in them to say, “This is going to be hard to hear, but I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what. The truth is I’ve fallen out of love because we haven’t been bonding recently. I delayed the breakup for as long as I could because I thought things would get better, but now, I feel that the only way I can be happy is to get some space and focus on myself. I hope you understand.”

Being honest and respectful is that easy. But dumpers (usually guys) want it even easier. They want their girlfriend to break up with herself so they don’t have to feel guilty about it and wonder if they chose the right approach.

Guys may be portrayed as big macho tough guys in media, but from what I see, they’re quite rational when it comes to breakups. They tend to break up with their partner calmly (at least the self-aware ones) because they know that their partner could react strongly.

And if there’s anything guys hate, it’s seeing their girlfriend get emotional and give them a hard time. That’s why they oftentimes use breakup excuses such as “It’s not you, it’s me, I need to find myself, I don’t know what I want” to try to alleviate their girlfriend’s pain and avoid getting hurt in return.

It’s a simple yet efficient way for them to get away from their girlfriend before their girlfriend notices she’s been had.

Some guys think it’s better to lie than to hurt their partner, but that’s not true. Breakup excuses may seem like a bunch of harmless white lies, but the dumpee deserves to know why the breakup happened. She needs to know so she can take some time to herself, work on herself, and avoid feeling hopeful that her ex will come back once he’s resolved his personal matters.

So if you’re wondering what it means when a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants, bear in mind that the guy is set on leaving, He’s trying to abandon the relationship at any cost – even if he has to lie about his reasons for breaking up. It’s a shame his freedom and happiness are way more important to him than your understanding of why the breakup occurred.

Look, everyone has the right to leave their relationship – especially if their relationship is unhealthy. But no matter how unhappy their relationship makes them, they still need to muster up the courage to express why they aren’t happy in it and what their partner or ex-partner can do better next time.

I suppose some people are just so focused on running away from the person that makes them feel trapped that they completely forget about the emotional struggles their ex-partner is going to face.

Such people never experienced what it feels like to want closure. They were never dumped or dumped in a way that made them seek answers. That’s why they either need to go through an ugly breakup or willingly develop more sympathy, empathy, and morals that will allow them to care about the people they can no longer benefit from romantically.

In this post, we’ll talk about what to do when a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants. We’ll discuss what made him say that cliche and how you should respond to it.

What does it mean when he says he doesn’t know what he wants?

When a man doesn’t know what he wants, it’s evident that he wants to break up with you. He just doesn’t know how to go about it because he’s worried his approach might hurt you and also hurt him.

That’s why he goes for the most neutral/passive approach he can think of. He tells you he doesn’t know what he wants and by doing so, makes you think that he’s confused about his life. Although that can be the case, it’s not the main issue for his confusion.

The issue is that the guy had thought relationship-damaging thoughts without self-regulation and allowed negative thoughts to damage his feelings for you. This is why he gradually fell out of love with you and detached to the point where he realized the relationship didn’t make him happy anymore.

It made him unhappy as it prevented him from focusing on himself and the people he wanted to spend more time with.

So even though he told you he doesn’t know what he wants (to do with his life anymore), rest assured that his life goals have nothing to do with his loss of romantic interest. It’s his mentality, emotional health/emotional availability, and overall maturity that’s to blame as these are the things that have given him GIGS and made him fall out of love in the first place.

If your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend had the strength to fight for the relationship and the skills to maintain it, this wouldn’t have happened. He’d know how to resolve occasional relationship doubts, fears, and temptations or at least communicate them to you and look for ways to increase his love for you and the commitment to the relationship. If he were emotionally stronger and smarter (more EQ), the guy would know that the success of the relationship depends on the effort he and his partner (you) put into it.

But since he didn’t have the ability, skills, or the willpower to overcome whatever doubts he had, he just let his feelings worsen with time and waited for them to get so bad he had no choice but to act on them and distance himself from you.

So if you really want to know what it means when a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants, it either means that he doesn’t have the skills he needs to be in a relationship with you (that he can’t handle negative emotions) or that he’s not emotionally ready for a new relationship.

If he was with you only for a short time (a few months), he could be still be getting over his ex-girlfriend and needs more time to stop thinking about her and feeling confused about her.

With that said, here’s what happens when the person you wanted to see/was seeing, your boyfriend, fiance, your husband, or your ex says he doesn’t know what he wants.

When you receive this, “I don’t know what I want” response, it’s evident that the guy doesn’t feel the wish or need to remain in a relationship with you. Maybe he developed feelings for someone else or perhaps he became depressed and stopped investing in the relationship.

It’s hard to speculate about what’s gone wrong if he doesn’t open up to you about it. But he’s made it clear he has detached emotionally and that he no longer sees a future with you.

The unfortunate truth is that dumpers don’t think about reuniting with their ex in the future. Most dumpers just go with the flow and make spur-of-the-moment decisions. If they feel happy with their breakup decision, they keep moving on with their life and date other people.

And if they feel regretful, sad, depressed, or miserable, they tend to become nostalgic and return to exes who can help them with their predicaments.

So if you’re trying to figure out what it means when your boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants, know that it doesn’t mean anything nice. It means that the relationship has come to an end and that the guy is going to give it his best to disassociate from you and enjoy his newfound freedom.

If you try to interfere with his freedom, you’re going to get punished for it in ways your ex deals with suffocating emotions.

He doesn’t know what he wants but won’t let me go

If a guy who doesn’t know what he wants is still your boyfriend or won’t let you get space from him, this person wants what’s best for him. He either wants your relationship benefits, care, and support or he just wants you to forgive him so he can forgive himself and let you go.

You should know that the chances of this person changing his mind about you are slim. The fact that he’s broken up with you (or hinted it) shows that the emotional bond was broken and that it’s going to stay broken unless he finds a very good reason to repair it.

And finding this reason isn’t going to be easy. He’s going to have to realize that he’s made the worst unpremeditated decision of his life and that this decision hurts him much more than it benefits him.

Unfortunately, though, guys who have doubts about their partner almost always keep getting more and more doubtful. They don’t want to repair the bond because in their mind, they aren’t responsible for damaging it. It’s their partner’s fault for being the way she is and making them feel the way they do.

This means that most partially detached guys watch their relationship burn while expecting their partner to extinguish it. They have no fear of their relationship ending because deep inside, they don’t care. They’re standing with one foot out of the relationship and are ready to accept whatever comes of it.

My advice to you is to understand that when a person detaches and becomes cold, vengeful, or doubtful that the relationship is almost always unsalvageable. It’s hard to reason with someone when he craves alone time, expects his issues to disappear on their own, and blames you for the way he feels.

Reasoning with him at that point only traps the guy and increases his longing to be alone.

Honestly, when a guy becomes confused and starts pulling away, he enjoys the time spent away from the relationship more than the time he spends in it. In simple terms, his desire to self-prioritize continues to increase while his commitment to the relationship continues to decrease.

And when it decreases enough, that’s when the relationship starts feeling like a chore rather than something both parties can contribute to and benefit from. Knowing what to expect is important so you don’t keep your hopes up and let the guy do as he pleases with you.

The reason why the guy won’t let you go right now is that he likes you as a person and is still attached. He wants the best of both worlds and will string you along until he detaches some more and becomes certain that shutting you out of his life completely is the best and only viable solution.

What to do if he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me?

If the guy you like doesn’t know what he wants, you have to know what you want or rather, what you deserve. You have to stand up for yourself and do what’s right.

As a woman who wants to be in a relationship, you deserve the best. And if the guy doesn’t want to give you his best, you need to get away from him, get over the breakup, and eventually find someone who knows your worth and wants you in his life.

The “I don’t know what I want” is just not good enough. It’s the most disrespectful thing a person who committed to you could ever say.

So don’t be deceived.

If the guy is still with you, he most likely won’t stay with you much longer. He’ll probably lose interest and find someone or something else to entertain him. That’s why you need to talk to him about his feelings or rather, the lack of feelings and get some answers out of him.

Pushing him is usually not a good idea, but it’s necessary in this case so he doesn’t string you along and give you false hope. You want him to decide what he wants as soon as possible.

If you want, you can give him a little bit of time to decide. Just know that guys with doubts almost always decide to run away. Doubts are just too challenging for them to overcome when willpower is lacking.

If your ex-boyfriend already broke up with you, however, then you don’t have to talk to him about anything. There’s nothing left to discuss with him because he doesn’t want to be with you.

He’s certain he wants to leave as he fell out of love with you and wants to do what makes him happy.

As a person who was left, you should let the guy go. Don’t try to convince him to stay because he’s had plenty of chances to improve the way he thinks and feels about you. He won’t start caring about you now that he’s fully detached.

The only thing that can make him feel better and increase his feelings for you is giving him enough space and time to discern if he’s made the right decision. And he can discern whether he’s made the right decision by figuring out if he’s happy without you.

So let the guy explore his new life while you do the indefinite no contact rule and do your best to get over him.

Did you learn what it means when a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants? Do you have any stories of your own to share with us? Post them below the article. We’ll get back to you shortly.

However, if you’re trying to understand what went wrong in your relationship and want our help deciphering it, feel free to get in touch with us via coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.