Prior to writing this article, I browsed for a while and learned what breakup gurus and people, in general, think about writing a letter to an ex. To my surprise, many articles endorsed the writing of various types of letters and guaranteed some sort of closure or long-term success with an ex.
They said that writing a letter will “plant a seed” in the dumper’s mind and encourage the dumper to reach out and get back together with the dumpee when he or she has processed the breakup. Little did these people know that breakup letters don’t leave positive impressions on dumpers. In fact, they cause more harm than good as tend to pressure and guilt-trip dumpers and make them want to run for the mountains.
Some websites even offer services that “help” broken-hearted dumpees write custom, handwritten letters to their exes in exchange for some hard-earned cash. They basically sell them false hope as they make them think that communication with their ex will convince their ex to give them another chance.
But the truth is that post-breakup letters don’t work because dumpers don’t want them to work. They don’t expect dumpees to communicate with them and tell them what’s on their mind. They have enough on their own mind already and have plenty of better things to do.
Things like focusing on their needs and enjoying their post-breakup freedom.
If you’re thinking of sending your ex a letter, you have to understand that forcing your way into your ex’s life will make your ex feel uncomfortable. Sure, your ex might shed a tear or two, but that’s only if your ex feels guilty. If your ex feels smothered, your ex will likely just ignore the letter or say “thanks for the letter” out of courtesy.
That will hurt you once again and cause you an emotional setback.
So instead of sending your ex letters, show your ex that you know what he or she needs. Do that by going no contact and letting your ex come to you when he or she is ready.
This post is for dumpees who are contemplating sending a letter to their ex.
Should I write a letter to my ex?
Before you write a letter and send it to your ex, the very first thing you should do is ask yourself what the purpose of writing a letter is.
Is it to get your ex back, elicit some kind of a caring response (feel validated), tell your ex you’re moving on, manipulate your ex, or perhaps make your ex realize the pain and suffering he or she is putting you through?
Give it some thought and figure out what your ultimate goal is. When you learn that you’re thinking of sending a letter to your ex because you need something from your ex (not the other way around), you should understand that your ex isn’t your go-to person anymore.
Your ex is your ex which means that your ex can’t and most likely won’t help you feel better. If you don’t speak or if your ex is not a very caring person, your ex will make you feel worse as you’re going to see your ex react in ways you don’t expect and come across information you’re not ready to handle.
Information that your ex feels extremely smothered by you and doesn’t want to communicate.
Sure, there’s always a chance that your ex won’t respond in a nasty way. But as long as there is a small chance that your ex will, it’s safer for you not to gamble with your health and happiness.
It’s better for you to stick to the rules of no contact and let your ex send you letters if he or she wants to.
But currently, your ex isn’t doing that. Why is that? It’s because your ex doesn’t feel hurt and desperate for connection. Your ex is doing just fine without you and is going to keep doing fine even if you send letters that show your ex that he or she is important to you.
Bear in mind that you don’t need to specifically state that you’re missing your ex for your ex to see that you’re dependent on him/her. The letter on its own is proof of that as you wouldn’t be sending a letter to an ex if you were over him or her.
You’d be moving on with your life and thinking about anyone but your ex.
Here’s an infographic explaining why you’re thinking of writing a letter to your ex.
From my understanding, there are 5 types of letters you can write to your ex.
- Love letter – to confess your undying love.
- Reaction letter – to elicit a warm reply from your ex and reopen channels of communication.
- Acceptance letter – a one-way letter “to acknowledge” the end of the relationship.
- Closure letter – the letter with which you demand an explanation as to why the breakup occurred.
- Forgiveness letter – the letter to forgive your ex for treating you poorly.
- Hate letter – the letter to inform your ex what a bad person he or she is.
You must understand what kind of letter you’re thinking of sending your ex. Once you understand it, you should know that the letter has nothing to do with your ex. It has everything to do with you as the letter intends to make you feel (or not feel) a certain way.
For most dumpers, it intends to take their pain away and give them hope that their ex will realize their worth and come back in the future.
Does writing a letter to your ex ever work?
Many of my clients, readers, and even friends wrote letters to their exes and hoped to convince their exes to come back. But, unfortunately, letters haven’t worked for any of them. Not even a single one.
That’s because love letters, acceptance letters, and all types of letters aren’t meant to be read by exes. They’re meant for partners – boyfriends and girlfriends who are receptive to what you have to say. They have no effect on an ex who’s lost feelings for you, took you for granted, cheated, ghosted, or abandoned you out of the blue.
Ex-partners simply don’t care about letters. They don’t live in a fairy tale in which something as simple as a letter could resolve their issues and make them see their dumpees in a better light. Breakup letters don’t have that kind of power. They may work in fantasies, but in real life, they’re counterintuitive and counterproductive.
Instead of reattracting the dumper, they put expectations on the dumper and make him or her want to come back even less. I know a lot of people on the internet say letters are long-term plans, but that’s nonsense. Letters don’t plant seeds because dumpers aren’t thinking about getting back with their exes.
They’re perfectly happy staying away from them because doing so gives them the space and privacy to do what they want. The only time dumpers think about giving their dumpee another chance is when things go wrong in their lives (when they’re hurt and anxious).
But when that happens, they don’t need a letter from their ex to remind them that their dumpee is a nice person who may still be available to them. Dumpers simply aren’t attractive to niceness. They know or assume dumpees want to be with them, but they don’t care about it, which is why they don’t want to see that their ex is waiting for them.
Secretly, they want to see that their ex doesn’t want them and has moved on. Such beliefs make them respect dumpees whereas the things they say remind them that dumpees are waiting for them.
So don’t expect your letter to “plant a seed” in your ex’s mind and hit your ex hard when the time is right. The only thing the letter will plant in your ex’s brain is a reason for your ex to be even more annoyed with you.
It goes without saying that sending letters to an ex contradicts everything the indefinite no contact rule tries to accomplish.
Instead of helping your ex self-prioritize, the letter irritates your suffocating ex and makes your ex feel emotions he or she broke up with you to avoid feeling.
Some of those emotions include:
- guilt
- shame
- anger
- suffocation
- annoyance
- depression
- anxiety
So if you want the best for you and your ex, don’t write any letters to your ex. Your ex hasn’t asked for a letter, which means that your ex doesn’t want one and isn’t hoping to hear from you. When your ex does want to hear from you, your ex will reach out on his or her own.
Your ex won’t need you to demonstrate that it’s safe to communicate as dumpees sometimes think.
What if my ex keeps the letter for later?
If you’re hoping your ex will store your letter for safekeeping, that probably won’t happen. Your ex will most likely get rid of the letter the moment he or she is done reading it. Most dumpers do because they feel smothered and don’t want anything to do with the dumpee after the breakup. They want things to stay the way they are, so they can keep their ex at a distance.
You’ve got to understand that dumpers don’t keep you around as a backup option so that they can pull you back in when it’s convenient for them.
They’re happy not to hear from you unless they want to assuage guilt or some other breakup emotion.
When your ex needs you, your ex will probably reach out to you and keep you busy for a while. That’s when you’ll have to decide if talking to your ex is worth your time.
Would you want to receive a letter from one of your exes?
If you’re not sure about whether writing a letter to your ex is the right thing to do, put yourself in your ex’s shoes and ask yourself if you’d like someone you left to send you a letter and perhaps even tell you how he or she feels.
You probably wouldn’t want that person to bother you with things you’re not interested in. Scratch that, you definitely wouldn’t want your ex to annoy you. Especially not if you were already dating someone else and planning your life with that person.
A letter from your ex would just make you feel uncomfortable. So much so that you wouldn’t know how to respond to it. You probably wouldn’t respond at all as you wouldn’t know if saying something would encourage your ex to keep reaching out to you.
So before you do something your ex may not appreciate, imagine how you’d feel if someone you dated in the past suddenly sent you letters in which he or she apologized, promised to change, talked about how good his or her new life is, or asked if you wanted to get back together.
Soon, you’d likely realize that your current ex would feel uncomfortable just like you would and that as difficult as the breakup is for you that it’s better not to send your ex anything. No letters, texts, emails, voice calls, nothing.
If your ex doesn’t want you back, your ex doesn’t want to hear from you either. Your ex wants you to leave him or her alone unless you’re both ready for friendship or more.
What does writing a letter do to you?
When you send a letter to your ex, you put expectations into the letter and allow yourself to become vulnerable again. That’s because sending a letter to your ex has a hidden agenda – to obtain something that you can’t get on your own.
It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to accomplish with the letter. The problem is that your ex can smell that you’re up to no good. Your ex knows that you wouldn’t be going through the trouble of writing him or her a letter if you didn’t have an ulterior motive.
Since your ex doesn’t want any letters, keep in mind that your ex will indirectly reject you again and reintroduce you to breakup pain. That could make you wonder whether reaching out to your ex was a wise idea and if it could have been avoided.
The truth is that you can easily avoid additional separation anxiety and rejection pain. All you have to do is be brave and avoid sending your ex letters. It’s that simple, so don’t send anything to your ex.
Your ex will be much happier and will respect you more if you respect yourself and let him or her initiate conversations and send letters.
Act now or your ex will move on fear
Many dumpees are so anxious after the breakup that they believe anything they read on the internet. Anything that gives them hope, that is as such things make them think they need to do something to impress their ex or their ex will move on and forget about them.
What dumpees don’t realize is that dumpers have already moved on. They had weeks or months to detach, so sending a letter to tell them they’re not ready to accept the breakup won’t change anything. It will just tell dumpers that they’re in denial and that they’d rather stay in touch than lose their exes completely.
So if you’re thinking of writing a letter (or letters) to your ex, know that the last thing your ex wants is to see that you’re having trouble moving on. Seeing that you’re struggling to cope with anxiety will put your ex in an uncomfortable situation and make your ex respond accordingly.
If your ex cares about your feelings and understands what you’re going through, your ex is going to feel bad for you and respond empathetically.
But if your ex doesn’t care much or doesn’t know why you’re anxious and reaching out, your ex will get angry or not respond at all. It’s better for you not to find out what kind of person your ex is as you don’t need your ex to get closure.
You just need to stay in indefinite no contact and keep healing.
Should I EVER write a letter to my ex?
Writing a letter to an ex is usually a bad idea. It’s a bad idea whether you miss your ex and want him or her back or just want to be friends with your ex.
Ideally, you want your ex to reach out to you first. Him or her contacting you first would tell you that your ex has processed the breakup and that he or she wants something from you. Of course, if your ex doesn’t contact you first, it probably doesn’t mean that your ex isn’t ready for friendship.
It could just mean that your ex is moving on and waiting for you to reach out and ask to be friends. If you’re over your ex, you can contact your ex directly rather than sending a letter. A letter may be too personal for friendship.
Closure letter
Although asking your ex for closure doesn’t seem like the worst idea in the world, it’s still a terrible idea.
Whether you receive positive feedback from someone who left you strongly depends on how much space your ex has had to cool off, how receptive your ex has become, and how empathetic your ex is as a person.
One way to know for sure is to analyze your ex’s pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior. If your ex was nasty to you and it’s only been a month or so, your ex probably won’t be very understanding of the pain you’re going through if you reach out. He or she will likely find your letter intrusive and refuse to answer your questions.
It’s important to note that you won’t get closure from your ex until your ex is ready to talk. And your ex won’t be ready to talk if you’re reaching out first and forcing your ex to talk to you on your terms.
So wait for your ex to message or call you of his or her own accord. That’s when it might be okay to ask your ex to answer some questions.
Hate letter
There’s nothing worse than unleashing your wrath on your ex.
Please understand that even if your ex treated you horribly post-breakup that getting angry with your ex is not going to help you get through the breakup quicker. It might make you feel better for a little while, but sooner than later, you’ll go back to missing your ex.
If you say something really disrespectful, you might even have a difficult time forgiving yourself after you’ve stopped feeling anxious.
So remember that getting angry at your ex will do three things:
- slow down the time it takes for you to move on
- prevent you from growing as a person
- stop your ex from respecting you and feeling love for you
You need to keep in mind that there are better ways to reduce anger. Instead of telling your ex what a bad person he or she is, confide in your friends and family instead. They’ll let you vent for a while and encourage you to do the right thing.
Forgiveness letter
The only letter you should write is the forgiveness letter. Put down everything your ex has done to you and made you feel and describe how you would have acted and reacted if you were your ex. That will allow you to grow as a person and prevent you from staying angry with your ex.
Also, don’t forget to mention the mistakes you’ve made throughout the relationship and how you contributed to the breakup. Write 3 reasons for every mistake and 3 solutions next to them.
Make this letter 5 pages long if you want to as long as you get everything off your chest and relieve anxiety. But once you’ve finished writing the letter, don’t send it! Put it in your drawer and read it whenever you feel overwhelmed.
The letter will serve you as a reminder that your ex isn’t the most amazing person on the planet and give you the motivation to forgive your ex and keep working on your shortcomings.
It will essentially help you move on and open your heart to new romantic opportunities when the time is right.
Were you thinking of writing a letter to your ex? What do you think about this article? Has it knocked some sense into you? Please let us know below the post.
And if you wish to go into detail about writing a letter to your ex, feel free to sign up for breakup coaching here.
I don’t know… we had the most technically challenging and messiest breakup. I love her dearly… I sent her a postcard from Laughlin NV, letting her know I was riding my motorbike to Mexico.
She blocked me mid convo after wishing me a happy birthday, we were having a very friendly convo then she went dark.
I sent it after the block… I wanted her to know that there is no hard feelings, wanted to tell her she is beautiful one last time before crossing the border.
And asked if we could be friends by summer so we could ride motorbikes together.
I’m not expecting a response. I just want her to know that I don’t hate her after all the cheating and lying…
Humans are humans, been fucking up since we have been walking on two feet. There’s a lot of things I regret happening in the relationship… but sending the post cards was not one of them.
Hi Laughlin.
It’s best that you stop sending her postcards. She blocked you because she couldn’t handle the negative emotions that talking to her evoked.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello,
I was with my ex for three and half years and we broke up 2 years ago before lock down. He did it via text and blamed me for a lot of things I did not do. I tried talking to him back then and he ignored me and would not confront me at all. I understand it’s been two years and I should be over him but the way he hurt me and how I did not receive closure did not sit well with me. I’m leaving the country soon to go complete my PhD and I have plans on visiting his city with a couple of friends before I leave. I wrote a letter a while back with the pretty much saying my good byes to him since I wasn’t able to back then. I know this is a bad idea. Should I go fourth with the plan and leave it at his place or should I keep the letter and never look back
Do not write or call. Please move on and pray for healing.
He did not not have the decency to break up in person, or even a phone call. Which means he is all about him. As painful as it is, maintain your self respect and self worth. Travel and insert yourself into new friendships and activities. Do not, and I can only emphasize, DO NOT contact him or respond to any text or calls from him. Let him go like a bad cold. “ACHOOO!!” Delete his number, and from your contacts, even social media. Sever all links to this individual.
You WILL heal. And it makes you stronger, wiser and a better person.
Hi Lolo.
I know he denied you closure, but I don’t think you should send him the letter. He might not respond well to it and that would hurt you again.
So try to let go of the pain he’s caused you without his help. Do it by learning why the breakup happened and building up your self-esteem.
Stay strong!
Zan
I broke up with my boyfriends a month ago.We broke up because he apparently still loves his ex crush.But deep down I know that he really loved me,so idk what to do.I saw him 2 times and we couldnt stop looking at each other.Im not sure if I should write him or not.Please help me.I know if I send him the letter,even if he doenst respond, I would feel so much better,because I will be 100% sure that its over between us.
Hi Ivona,
I hope you are doing well. It’s been some time since you made your question, so we don’t know what you finally did, but I will reply to you from a recent heartbreak dumpee point of view. Keep in mind that every breakup is different, but I think the general principle applies for most
If you are the person who decided to end the relationship, you put a lot of anxiety on dumpee’s shoulders, if you entered into “no contact”, the dumpee is respecting your request for time and space so the first move should be made by the dumper, in this case, you. There is a caveat, the only contact that should be made from you must be to open the communication between you because you want to get back together in a romantic way, it means, to a romantic relationship, otherwise, you would be showing a lack of respect to your ex partner’s feelings and definitely would cause more harm, because when we, the dumpees, have news about our loved ones, our hear beats up faster, we get nervous, anxious and have many other symptoms and receiving a reminder from the dumper different than they want to give it an opportunity to our romantic relationship it feels like another breakup, and move us to square one of our healing process. So please, don’t send anything to the person you dumped. All your words don’t matter now, I understand you have things to say and you should have done it when you were together, now, those words means nothing.
I, as a dumpee, have many things that I would like to say to my loved one, all plans I had for us before she called for a breakup, everything I hold back because I didn’t want to smother her, all love that I feel for her, “even if she doesn’t respond”, but no, it’s not right, I have to hold my words, until she contacts me first, to let me know that communication is possible and I don’t expect anything from her than her will of getting back together, otherwise I’m not interested and that means no “happy birthday”, no “merry Christmas”, no nothing. Any contact from her will be taken as an indirect / direct approach to get back together.
I insist many times on the same topic to be clear that the dumper should only contact the dumpee if they wanna get back together. My best wish on your decision and, you’ll gonna be fine.
Ricardo
I love this post. I was actually thinking of writing him a letter although I doubted that it won’t be that great idea. My ex is very stubborn and post break up has been very rude and mean to me. Our break up happened because of some misunderstanding and distrust. So after one week of break up I called him 65 times . He just ignored my calls. Then I texted him begging to talk. I offered explanation for my mistake. He didn’t listen a word. He told awful things and then blocked me everywhere. After 3 weeks of break up today I was thinking of writing him a letter telling him how much I miss him . But thank god I searched this blog which just saved me.Thank you writer.
Hi Amrita,
That’s great you could hold back writing a letter, I’m on a similar stage than you, I’m feeling very anxious, revisiting the idea to write her a letter, I’ve wrote many on Google Keep (never on her chat window to avoid pressing the Send button by mistake) and I’m pouring there everything I would like to tell her without holding back anything, I have only good things to say and only blame her for calling an extreme measure as a breakup without talking about the situation first, but as much as I write, I realize that I don’t want to send it, she hasn’t contacted me first, so I assume she’s not interested in me, our broken relationship, or whatever I have to say, I’m the dumpee. So here I am at 4am searching for answers if it makes sense to break no contact by sending her a letter and it is clear, don’t do it.
We are gonna be fine.
Ricardo
Really great advice.
I agree with some of the things and I disagree with some of the things. I am the dumpee. My ex wrote me twice. Once by text, once by an email. He initiated contact. On both accounts I responded shortly but pleasant. I did not hastily reply either. It took me about ten days to decide to reply.
It’s been a month or so since I replied to his last email. I have not heard from him since. Which is okay. Now for some reason I feel I want to send him a written letter. I feel this will help me emotionally. I’ve Already written it, and just reflecting on what wrote. I’m not asking for reconciliation, or casting the blame game and not over analyzing..just a couple of questions, and reflection and that I have accepted his decision.
If he does or does not respond, either action sends its own message.
So go ahead and send that letter I would say, but never in anger or desperation as Zan pointed out. I think it helps the healing process. But he prepared for whatever comes.
I had written one before but never sent it, so it all depends on the timing, motive, and your overall feeling, and vibes.
Listen to your soul.
UPDATE:
I ended up sending the letter. It was handwritten of course, nice Stationary.I mailed it to him.The same day received it in the mail He sent me an email From work, Expressing How happy he was to hear from me and other things that revealed to me that he still love s me..Long story short we are back together And for the 1st time I heard him say to me How much he loves me And he wants a life with me. That the time apart Allowed him to realize How much he loves me. And so The love story unfolds…
So, Follow your heart. It is good in taking time away To heal For as long as you think you should. Be honest with yourself if you know in your heart that this is the person that you truly love. Be wise, lest You lose them forever.
You know, thank YOU for setting me straight. I wondered. I looked for answers. I found your article, and I think you’re absolutely RIGHT!! Personally, I really have felt all along that it should always be the dumper, and not the dumped, that gets in touch with the dumped. Only they know how they feel about the break-up really. If they feel they made a mistake and want to try again, they can come to us that and confess it. BUT, the power we (the dumped ones) have is to say we forgive them and want to try again OR NOT. Then the ball is in our court, and we don’t get our feelings hurt again.
Can I ask this one thing, though? If an ex feels you are the one who used them and they broke up with you for it, you disagree, and you want to say so, THEN, should or could you write them a letter about that? My ex said this when I asked him if he used me in the relationship. His reply was that he actually thinks he was used by me. I was shocked and very saddened. I absolutely did not use this man at all. Should I reach out again to tell him so?
HELP! I just sent an email to my ex and then read this about an hour later. He ended things pretty bad, so my letter was to basically say I accept him for who he is and that we are all human and make mistakes and that I want to be there for him during his highs and lows and that I care.
What are you asking? You’ve fucked up. Now accept the consequences and do what you can do going forward, which is to go no contact.
Is it bad to leave my ex gf after 3 years a letter expressing all my feelings. I don’t want her back I just wanted to let her know how I felt. Do you think it’s a good idea and will help me move on? I was Betty much in love with her I dated her from hs. I was 17 and now I’m 21.
Bryan,
I’m in your same boat. I’m 21 and I recently wanted to send my ex-girlfriend after 2.5 years a thank you letter for all of our happy memories together. We’re on week three since the break up and the emotions are just as strong as the first hour.
My best advice would be to write the letter but don’t send it. After a break-up, you feel overwhelming lonely and have no one to talk to. So what is it you want most? To profess your feelings to the one person you’ve trusted to listen. Instead, I have found that simply writing down what I feel in a journal or Word document helps to organize and control the thoughts in my head.
Regardless of what you want to do, you have to keep in mind the emotions of your ex-girlfriend. For me, it felt like I was missing her more than she was missing me so I thought that a letter would remind her of everything we had and that (hopefully) she would realize her mistake. That’s a fantasy.
What your ex wants is space and time. She needs to clear her mind and figure out what she wants just as much as you do. She doesn’t need a love letter to remind her of your relationship. I guarantee you that she still loves you and misses you… even a little bit, but you shouldn’t need her affirmation to clarify that for you.
For me, my no-contact period lasted a little over a week, then I sent a simple message one evening asking how her day was. Very simple and lighthearted. She was very appreciative I texted her and although she’s standing by her decision to break-up, we planned to go out for drinks sometime soon for her birthday. Personally, I would love to rekindle things and get back together, but I have to be realistic and practical. Your ex wants to see you grow professionally and individually, and the best way to do that is to show you have enough confidence in yourself to learn from your mistakes. Maybe down the road there’s a slim chance you two will cross paths again, but don’t pause your life in anticipation for it.
My two takeaways for you would be to do everything you can to maintain the respect she still has for you. Have her remember your good times together, not your desperate attempts to get her back. If you start sending random texts, calls, or letters, then that will only make things worse. Second, I’ve read a lot of blogs strongly suggesting NOT to be the first to text back after a breakup, but your ex may instead be waiting for you. She may think that you’re angry at her and that reaching out may elicit a negative response. It’s OKAY to reach out first. The internet isn’t always right. I waited a little over a week, but that is all dependent on how the relationship ended. You know your ex best, be friendly but keep your respect intact and maintain the space she needs.
Hope this helps.
It’s not bad to write it and it’s not bad to send it. The important piece to consider though is timing. Love never rushes. That means if you feel a sense of urgency to send this letter then it’s probably your fear talking. You will never feel proud of pouring your fear onto someone who can’t or doesn’t want to hold it. Write the letter for yourself. Share it with a friend if you’d like, but don’t send it. You can always save it and send it later down the line. I recommend picking a day 30-45 days from now and marking that day as the day you’ll allow yourself to contact your ex at all.
is it ok to send a letter just to explain why i broke it off and he had changed.. i wrote what i loved about him in the first couple of years and things we done
then mentioned how the last two years his work took away from me and he become an angry and giving me nothing. i know how broken he is that i left him so do I but or what i want is to tell him how he was and he is now and how it’s not that i need constant attention like he always say to me it’s how i had to wait for his attention when he’s free
i really want to send it but i know he won’t reply as he’s angry that i left
If you want to try to get back with your guy, then REACH OUT! If not, don’t. It’s that simple.
All this is true for me but he was becoming depressed and has been in psychiatric hospital for the last 5 months since just after he dumped me. I had never been made to feel as good like he made me feel in the beginning, but then he wouldn’t work on our relationship like I tried to. I wanted to be at his side in hospital when we were still together but when he was admitted I was barred from visiting him. His (ex?) and all his friends and family were allowed to visit him. I was in a foreign country and he was the reason I had stayed on. Now he has blocked me. I did get through via the nurses. I respect his choice, but I am angry that his ex (? )is still very much involved , even sent me texts telling me to leave him alone, there is nothing I can do for him
I just happened on this article today while in Coronavirus Stay at home. Lots of time on my hands and in my head. This whole article but especially the writing of the forgiveness letter saved me from doing something I’m sure would have made me feel worse and felt the pain all over again. So, thank you. I am still hurting but this will be a constructive way to work through my feelings.
What if the reason for the breakup was my fault, and a mins understanding at that, but I did not get a chance to clear things up and she has since blocked me?
I had the same problem … welcome
I have the same issue even if i didnt do something bad ! But he blocked me ..
I really want to write a letter to send to an ex when i return his shirt in around a month. The whole thing ended because he’s going through a lot of stuff and didn’t want to hurt me in the process- because he had been hurting me a bit and because it showed. I care for him a lot but I just don’t know what to do.
Nothing could be more true than what is being advised here. I am living proof.
After a very painful and abrupt break-up, I made every mistake except physical stalking. I called and texted 10 times, and eventually resorted to writing letters. YES more than one!! (UGH).
I did not hide the fact that I thought the break-up was all wrong, and that we belong together. I was not critical of him, I WAS overly apologetic, delusionally pleasant and optimistic, and I simply was insisting on keeping some kind of connection that was suddenly (for me) but Completely (for him) Long Gone.
The result: The WORST backlash i have ever experienced in my 36 years of adult life (I am 56).
He not only didn’t respond, but he picked a time when he knew I wouldn’t be home, and he dropped off a large pile of my belongings — in the middle of my driveway. It was horrible (and quite a spectacle).
He followed that up the next day with the most vicious email I have ever received. Pointing out that I obviously needed Closure, he expressed some of the most hurtful things I have ever read about myself.
I knew better. I am not a young person. In my lifetime I have been the Queen of No Contact.
But, This one was finally It — or so I had thought. This just couldn’t be happening, not again, and not at this stage of Life! It just was beyond Unfair..
And I just couldn’t stop myself from what I perceived to be Heroic Measures, but what obviously appeared to be The Opposite to him.
No doubt he lost all respect for me, and my stupid choice to reach out via the mail did nothing but incite an even ruder, meaner side of him.
Life and Learn.
And if you Must write a letter, write to an old friend or relative who would be thrilled to hear from you!!
Hi Ava.
You wanted your relationship to work very badly, so you acted on impulse. It’s not the end of the world.
Now that you’ve sent a few letters, all you can do is accept your mistakes and continue moving on. Give yourself the closure that you need and you won’t ever have to write another letter.
You’ll eventually (if you haven’t already) realize what happened.
Best,
Zan
So from what I understand, the general idea is that once an ex… let it be an ex? What if when the breakup is for all the wrong reasons, more because of a momentary whim? Is there no situation when you can – and should do something about it, because you know the problems between you weren’t that big, and they could have been fixed? Ok, I admit, they should have been discussed and fixed before – but what if there was silly stuff getting in the way? I really can’t admit that there isn’t any situation when you have an actual duty to try to do something to get your ex back! Or am I just the whiny one and don’t want to admit it?
Hi Alma.
There is no such thing as getting your ex back. There’s only your ex getting you back.
You don’t and can’t reason with your ex when he’s not in the right state of mind.
That’s why you have to wait.
Best regards,
Zan
What if your ex tells you no contact because you were abusing alcohol. After several months sober and working on yourself, is ok to just send a letter of apology and amend for your actions? Or just leave it be?
Hi Tony.
Your ex needs to cool off so no contact is your best option. She also asked you not to contact her so make her wish come true.
Kind regards,
Zan
I wrote a letter to my ex like an acceptance letter but obviously with an ulterior motive! I felt quite good about it (I haven’t had a reply) but after reading this completely regret my decision! Has my chance been completely lost then?
Hi Layer.
Don’t beat yourself up too much about it.
From now on, focus on yourself and leave your ex alone. Depending on how mature your ex is, the letter may or may not annoy him or her.
Kind regards,
Zan
I wrote a letter but waited for 7 weeks to send it acknowledging simply the break up and apologising for my mistakes in the relationship and my behaviour during break up! Most importantly I wished them well and let them know that I was happy for the time we shared together…I also noted at the beginning of the letter that it was more for me than them and acknowledged that…I didn’t expect anything from it but it would have eat away at me if I had never sent it as I was an utter child during break-up! I agree with everything this article says and I think if your intention is to get them back don’t send a letter but if your intention is to clear your mind and correct some mistakes, then I think it is okay as long as you have no expectations! In time they will come to appreciate it as long as you are not pestering them. I have had it done to me in the past were I finished with someone and they sent me a letter and at the time of receiving I was like I appreciate what you said there (I didn’t reply) and but in time I came to appreciate there journey and we are now friends. Admittedly I am no relationship expert but I think it’s highly dangerous when I see articles like this which conclusive, wholeheartedly and angrily dismiss such things. Every human being is unique and different and each break-up is unique and while most ex’s are done with you when they finish with you we are not all machines who react the same way to the same stimuli’s! Pestering someone is a no no, proclaim love for someone is a no no but acknowledging them and telling them you respect them enough to give them space and wish them well, when perhaps you didn’t at the time of the breakup I think is okay! Maybe don’t send it the next day and give yourself time to reflect on what you want to say! At the end of the day if you have already lost the person you want and you are not trying to get them back what’s there to lose! Was my letter needless yes, was it for me yes, did it make me more vulnerable absolutely but so what! So what I am saying is for some out here reading this don’t despair too much if you wrote it and sent it! They might be just one of the few who do appreciate it just as long as you haven’t written something crazy!
Hi Jacob.
Thanks for the comment.
Writing a letter more often than not does more damage than good. The reason for that is very simple.
When you write a letter, you demand from your ex. This is usually recognition. So when your ex ignores you after, you will crave this basic human need of importance even more.
But yes, some exes provide a tiny bit of close, while others give none and deepen your wound. So in a way, writing a letter is a double-edged sword.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Jacob,
I think it is totally ok you wrote a letter. I did the same thing. It was less a letter, more a pretty note I threw in his letter box. I loved him a lot and I was the one who dumped him because I wanted a serious relationship but he couldn’t provide it. I know him well enough to say that he doesn’t do this intentionally but like his sister said – he is emotionally blocked and can’t enter into relationships. He had problems with previous relationships too. Due to the fact however that I have such strong feelings for him (but I want an emotionally healthy and stable man to have a serious relationship with) I dumped him and then also blocked him from everything, in order to be able to move on. But I knew that this move would hurt him. We’ve known each other for 4 years, been friends a while (then on-off). As for the past 4 years he was the one who repeatedly got in touch with me, so we both never moved on. So after breaking up with him and blocking him I wrote him a note telling him that I want a serious relationship and in order to be able to open up for new things coming my way in future I need to continue my life without him in it (also not as friends) or I will not be able to properly move on. That I love him and wish him well.
Don’t EVER be ashamed for your feelings! It’s a beautiful thing to know you are being loved by sb. and if it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out. I didn’t expect anything in return either, wasn’t even sure he’d read it. Because he is very probably mad at me for leaving like I did. We almost all do things we regret when we’re hurt. So yes, maybe I wrote it in hopes he’ll forgive me someday… We’ve had very emotional 4 years… The world is full of cold, selfish people. This doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. Walk away – like I did – but there’s no need to be ashamed to show you loved that person. On the contrary. It shows real strength to walk away from sth or sb you loved but know it’s not working out…
Best wishes!
I agree on all your points.
I sent a letter 3 weeks after the first breakup. It was more a letter of letting her know that… that… never mind 😂. But it was not a pleading or telling her my eternal love.
The letter just postponed the breakup… the second time.
I then read a lot… also your blog (I love it)… and realized… one thing.
Whenever I feel negative emotions… let the brain analyze it… control it… and then accept the feelings.
Another great post ❤️
What if I already sent a letter to my EX? I don’t know af the week of a breakup that it was difficult. 😔
Well, you can’t undo it now. But be sure we all do some errors after a breakup, no one is perfect and no one can ever expect you to be.
What you actually can do now is trying your best – educate yourself, improve yourself, move on – that’s the way all of this will work out in your favour no matter if your ex will be back in the future or someone else
Hi,
My ex dumped me 7 weeks ago.
I was constantly irritated and angry and was in a bad head space, unfortunately taking it out on her. When we ended, she was mature and respectful and said she wants to be friends for the sake of being friends. She has told me she doesn’t want a relationship with me and that it was a special 6 years but the chapter is now closed. I had to cut contact 5 weeks post break up as she was ready to be friends (and told me she was contemplating the break up for a while) but I needed time to process the break up.
I have fallen into depression and we were going around in circles the whole 5 weeks of ‘friends’.
I cannot seem to let go of her, I am struggling to still come to terms with it and am still deeply in love.
I wrote a letter saying sorry for all the negative and hurtful things I said in my time of anger.
I want to rekindle and I want her to know I realise my mistakes and am seeking professional help to better myself.
Although she has told me I need to better myself for Myself and the next person, not her.
My letter of sorrow is vulnerable and I feel as thought I’ve already said it to her since the break up but I am in a state of limbo.
I want nothing more than for her to return as I feel guilt and pain as the breakup was my fault and she ended it for her own happiness.
I am yet to send it, because I know deep down I won’t get a response like I want.
I am spiralling into depression and cannot to see any light in my life since she decided to end the relationship.
She has found peace since and does feel a sense of relief. She did communicate during arguments and told me the arguments would end us. Unfortunately I was too stubborn to notice the effects these repetitive behaviours were having on her own happiness and our relationship..
Any advice on sending the letter? I want her to know I am able of upholding a healthy relationship. I know where I went wrong. And if we were to ever rekindle that things wouldn’t be the same.