Should I Write A Long-distance Relationship Break-up Letter?

If you’re contemplating sending your boyfriend or girlfriend a long-distance relationship break-up letter so you can break up with him or her, you need to understand that letters, emails, and texts are impersonal and that they aren’t a good method for ending any kind of relationship (not just a long-distance one). They’re a cowardly way of shutting a person who cares about you out of your life as they let you avoid dealing with a difficult situation and deny your ex closure.

If you can’t end the long-distance relationship in person, the very least you should do is respect your partner, choose a good time for your partner (when he’s free and alone), and call him. That way, you can deliver the bad news empathetically (let your ex hear your sympathetic tone), answer your ex’s questions, and provide him or her with at least some closure.

As a dumper, you don’t have to baby your ex. But you do have to treat your ex with dignity and respect and break up with him compassionately. You need to put your ex first and control your breakup emotions because that’s the only way you’ll show that you respect your ex and want the best for him.

If you can do that, your caring attitude will speak for itself. It will ease your ex’s separation anxiety and let your ex blame himself much less than if you get angry and blame the breakup on your ex’s incompetence.

It doesn’t matter what your ex did or didn’t do to cause the breakup. He or she is a human being who’s going to suffer immensely because of your decision. You need to be mindful of that so that you don’t act on impulse and make things worse in case your ex gets hurt and reacts strongly.

By strongly, I mean that your ex could beg and plead, cry, guilt-trip, get angry, and do all sorts of highly emotional things that rejected dumpees do.

That’s why it’s better for everyone that you learn how to break up with your ex peacefully and that you don’t react to your ex’s pain and cause your ex more pain. Your ex will be extremely vulnerable because of the breakup and take what you say to heart, so be especially careful not to get angry. Don’t say anything hurtful and hopeful because your ex will ponder about the things you say and do for weeks, maybe even months.

So avoid losing control over your emotions, befriending your ex, and giving your ex false hope. You can help your ex if you want to, but you should do that only if your ex wants you to help.

If your ex doesn’t want your help and commits to no contact, you obviously shouldn’t keep messaging your ex and interrupting his healing process. You should instead respect your ex’s desire to heal and stay out of your ex’s life until you’ve (1)redeveloped romantic feelings for your ex or (2)received a message from your ex months after the breakup and made sure that your ex has moved on.

In this post, we’ll talk about whether you should send your ex a long-distance relationship break-up letter. We’ll also discuss what breaking up via letter does to the dumpee and whether you should send a breakup letter sometime after the breakup to get some things off your chest and make your ex feel better.

Should I write a long-distance relationship break-up letter?

Sending a long-distance relationship break-up letter isn’t the wisest idea as a break-up letter is only a one-way communication. It doesn’t let your ex ask questions, vent, and do what he or she needs to do to deal with shock, denial, anxiety, grief, and a loss of self-esteem.

It just leaves your ex feeling abandoned, alone, and confused.

So no, don’t send your boyfriend or girlfriend a long-distance relationship breakup letter. Don’t do it if you respect your partner, but more importantly, if you respect yourself. I know that breaking up with someone who loves you is difficult, but how you break up with someone is very important.

It depicts who you are as a person because it forces you to deal with a highly emotional situation. And highly emotional situations take self-control, maturity, and moral values to handle.

They put your patience, perseverance, and willpower to the test and help you develop yourself or conversely, force you to stay the same/regress.

Every negative occurrence does something for you. So consider yours an opportunity for you to learn and improve from. Consider it a blessing in disguise as life is trying to teach you a lesson to take control of your emotions and do the morally right thing.

If you merely react to your need for separation and break up with your partner in writing, don’t think you’ll be doing your partner a favor. The only person you’ll be helping is yourself as you won’t comfort your partner and make sure that he or she is okay.

You must remember that your partner had plans to be with you and still does. Don’t brutally destroy those plans and make him or her regret trusting you and getting to know you.

Writing breakup letters is a horrible idea almost all the time. The only time it’s okay is when your ex needs closure very badly and your only form of communication is by post. But then again, most people own phones these days. Those who don’t can borrow one and find a signal to make a call.

Here are 5 reasons why you shouldn’t break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend via letter.

Should I write a long-distance relationship break-up letter some time after the breakup?

If you already broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to know that guilt and remorse aren’t good excuses for writing a letter and disrupting your ex’s healing process. They are selfish gestures that help you more than they help your ex.

If anyone should be writing letters, it’s your ex. Your ex is the one who got broken up with and needs closure whereas you just feel bad.

So bear in mind that talking, messaging, emailing, or sending your ex letters disturbs your ex, gives your ex hope, and puts your ex’s healing on hold.

If you truly care about your ex, you need to leave your ex alone. Keep your explanations for breaking up to yourself and deal with guilt or shame on your own. There is just no need to delay your ex’s recovery just so you can learn how your ex is doing and have an easier time forgiving yourself. Your ex has suffered enough already—and will most likely continue to suffer for a while.

Most dumpees do as they need around 8 months or so to fully process the breakup and get over their ex. Any interaction with their ex only confuses them and empowers them with hope.

The only time you should write a letter to your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is when your ex has been craving closure. That’s when you should try to answer your ex’s questions and make the letter about your ex rather than you.

In the letter, you should tell your ex:

• Why you decided to break up (if you haven’t already told your ex that)
• The mistakes you’ve made during and after the relationship
• That you want the best for your ex
• That you’ll be staying out of touch to let your ex heal
• And that your ex is welcome to reach out if he or she is having a hard time coping with anxiety.

And that’s it. These are the things that will help your ex and show that you care about him or her.

Always remember that there’s a difference between what your ex wants and what he or she needs. If the breakup just happened, your ex likely wants to hear from you very badly because that would make your ex feel important. It would temporarily empower your ex with happy hormones and put his or her pain on hold.

But what your ex needs long-term is anything but letters and calls. Such things don’t promote your ex’s healing but hinder it. They make your ex obsessed and distracted with thoughts of reconciliation

That’s why your ex only needs two things from you. Space and time. The more successful you are at leaving your ex alone, the faster your ex will heal and the fewer setbacks he or she will encounter on the journey to full recovery.

But if that’s true, then why do people advocate sending letters?

Letters can help people express themselves and alleviate some of their pain. They can encourage people to process denial and guilt. Letters can’t, however, help dumpees forget their ex and move on from the past.

For them to move on, they need time away from their ex as time away helps them stop longing for their ex, returns their strength, and increases their independence.

Dumpees can benefit from letters mainly when their ex breaks up with them without stating the reasons for breaking up and discussing the breakup. Such dumpees crave answers very badly and can boost their healing with their ex’s explanations.

Of course, we should mention that they need to receive their dumper’s letter before they find closure on their own. If they get ghosted after a serious relationship and left to fend for themselves for months afterward, they don’t need any explanations months later when they’ve already gotten through the storm. They already know that the person ghosting them was a coward and that they are better off on their own.

So consider sending your ex a long-distance relationship break-up letter only if you handled the breakup poorly and think that your ex could still use an apology or explanation. That will help your ex heal whereas sending a letter when your ex is trying to maintain no contact will hurt your ex and set him or her back.

As a reminder, don’t send your ex letters when you’re:

• Feeling guilty
• Having a bad day
• Feeling nostalgic
• And wondering if your ex is ready to talk and be friends

Here’s what sending your ex a letter will do to your ex when your ex is just starting to detach from you.

I’ve put a lot of thought into this and sincerely believe that leaving your ex alone to heal should be your priority. You should put your ex before you because your ex is likely going through the most challenging time of his or her life and doesn’t need to see you pour your heart out. This isn’t the time for you to do that.

Your ex needs to let go of love-like emotions, not receive more of them.

Dumpers have a hard time understanding this. They think their ex is ready to be friends right away and that their ex will gladly settle for less than he or she deserves.

Although some dumpees do settle for friendship, I can tell you that the majority of them regret it very quickly. They usually see that their ex is happy with someone else and that they weren’t ready to start communicating with their ex yet.

There’s a time to talk and a time to heal

You have to understand that your ex doesn’t think and feel the way you do. While your ex is going through stages of a breakup for the dumpee, you’re going through stages for the dumper. You’re likely ready to have occasional friendly conversations but your ex isn’t. Seeing you, hearing you, or being reminded of you raises your ex’s anxiety.

So just imagine how what reading your emotional post-breakup letter would do to your ex. It would set your ex back emotionally and most likely trigger his or her pinings.

This means that you and your ex both want and need different things from each other. Your ex wants to hear from you but needs to heal and you want to keep your ex in your life to some degree and learn to forgive yourself.

Your priorities are different—so don’t think you know what’s best for your ex.

If you did something horrible to your ex, your ex may not even want to hear from you. Your ex probably wants to distance himself or herself from you and think of you in whichever way he or she wants.

Sample break up letter for a long-distance relationship

If the breakup occurred recently and you think that your ex (not just you) will benefit from an LDR breakup letter, feel free to send a selfless closure letter that explains why you did what you did, what you’ve learned from the breakup, and what your ex can do if he or she is struggling with anxiety.

You should use your own words as apologies are supposed to come from the heart, but if you don’t know what to say, you’re more than welcome to use the template below and edit it to your liking.

Just make sure not to say things like.

• I miss you so much
• I still love you
• We might get back together one day
• I’ll regret this for sure
• I need to fix myself/find myself

Anyway, here’s the letter.

Hi Jane. I’m writing to you to let you know I’m sorry for the way things ended between us. It was not my intention to hurt you. I wish I’d told you this sooner, but I think I couldn’t because I also felt hurt and needed some time to process my hurt feelings.

I know this sounds like an excuse and it probably is, but I think you should know that you’re a great person and that I respect you for always standing by my side. You were there for me when I needed you the most and that’s why I want to be here for you if you want me to.

It’s only been a few weeks since we broke up, so it’s probably still too early for us to talk. But if at any point in time you’re struggling with anxiety and want closure, don’t hesitate to reach out.

I’ll be more than happy to answer any of your questions and remind you how grateful I am to you.

Take care.

That’s how you write a simple long-distance relationship break-up letter. You don’t have to make it very long. Just say what you want to say and make sure your ex gets no false hope from it. Make it reassuring, but steer clear from “I love yous and miss yous.” If you can do that, you might just be able to help your ex get closure.

If your ex is still in denial and wants you back though, remember that your ex will get hurt and want to get back with you even more as you’ll trigger your ex’s need for affection.

Are you still wondering if you should write a long-distance relationship break-up letter? Do you think it will make your ex feel better? I’d love to hear what you think about this, so comment below.

However, if you’d like to talk to us about whether you should write a break-up letter or how you should write it, reach out to us and we’ll come up with a plan.