Without getting into much detail from the start, no contact works on women and men equally—as the human brain works the same way for both genders.
There are, however, some minor differences when it comes to the female stimulus and the way the female mind works in no contact. We will get to that in the following chapters.
But for now, let’s examine the times when the no contact rule doesn’t work on women.
Does no contact work if you messed up big time?
No contact doesn’t work on women dumpers when you have been extremely negligent, unfair, cruel, abusive, disrespectful, authoritative, distant for ages, controlling beyond belief and anything despicable.
As you may have already noticed, the above-mentioned exceptions to the no contact rule are quite severe.
They are some of the worst things a person can do in a relationship.
So if you’ve done those bad things (or worse) and you’re wondering whether no contact works on women or a specific girl, you first need to take a step back and ponder about your actions.
Think deep and hard and find out why you felt inclined to act in such impulsive ways toward your ex-girlfriend.
Don’t worry about getting her back with no contact for now.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you learn how to make your ex want you back the right way with no contact and/or with other methods.
Dumpees focus on themselves
Since you’re reading this article, I assume you’re a man. If you are, I’ll tell you a little secret.
Most men I help with their breakup predicament are very inclined toward becoming better versions of themselves.
Right after the breakup, they are in so much pain that they do some searching and digging and come across the notorious no contact rule to get their ex-girlfriend back.
As a result of renewed hope, they apply it immediately or shortly after they’ve begged and pleaded.
And once the no contact rule is in place, they begin the waiting game for the effects of no contact to kick in.
They follow the rules of no contact down to the T. and promptly begin to look for answers – the answers to improve as people which could, in essence, bring their ex-girlfriend back.
I have noticed that every man wanting to get back together with his ex-girlfriend would do anything to get his ex back.
A broken-hearted dumpee would swim oceans, climb mountains and cross deserts to get one more chance to hold their ex-girlfriend again.
Chances are, you would too. That’s probably why you’re here.
Improve to get her back!
The reason I am telling you to improve is because this is your time to make things right.
Whether you can get her back with no contact doesn’t matter right now.
What does matter is where you put your attention and how you behave post-breakup.
This alone matters much more than you probably think.
While you are in no contact and you wish to get your woman back, there are many things you should do to maximize your chances of getting back with your ex woman, wife or fiancée.
Some of the things you can improve include:
- rewiring your bad behavioral patterns
- learning how to cope with stress and anxiety
- expanding your relationship knowledge
- caring for yourself and your body
- becoming selfless
- making new friends
- getting a job/better job
- and much, much more
Once you’ve done all of those things, you will know you’re ready to attract your ex-girlfriend back into your life.
Here’s the trick though.
You won’t deliberately attract her back by picking up the phone and tell her everything you were able to achieve.
It doesn’t work like that. Your ex-girlfriend has to realize that you’ve grown herself!
I can’t stress the importance of this enough.
When you’re in no contact, you are in no-contact indefinitely.
Forget the 30-day no contact to get your ex-back shenanigans. It’s just a devious scam, devised by some of the worst breakup experts you can come across.
Keep in mind that there are no quick remedies to attracting your ex back, so pay close attention to how you can and must attract your ex-girlfriend back so that you may have another chance if she comes back.
Applying no contact rule on women
Following the strictest no contact rule and letting go of your ex is no easy task.
It takes a lot of strength to start no contact and even more to stick to it through good and bad days.
So keep in mind that the no contact rule works on women when you get it right from the start.
And if it doesn’t ever work, you will be so thankful that you went no contact with your ex-girlfriend and saved face.
I would really appreciate it if you come back and share your no contact story in the future because it will be a success regardless of whether you get her back or not.
You will likely have grown and healed so much by the time you hear from your ex-girlfriend that she’s going to be just a thing from the past. Believe me.
When you got broken up with, you likely did some begging and pleading to get her back—and it failed.
You had hoped that if you just show your ex-girlfriend how much you care about her that she would give you another chance and you would both live happily ever after.
Every man I coach believes that if he just had one more chance, he could correct all his mistakes and make things right with his ex-girlfriend, ex-wife or ex-fiancée.
But unfortunately, if you’re one of those dumpees, I must disappoint you and tell you that you’re not responsible to fix your ex-girlfriend’s issues and make her love you again.
Even though you wish to fight for what you believe is right, you can only do so as long as you are in a relationship with your partner.
Once she breaks up with you, you have no choice but to go no contact—both for yourself and her.
At the end of your relationship, your ex-girlfriend was convinced you were not right for her so she pulled the trigger on you.
She thought you either wouldn’t change or couldn’t make her happy in the long-run.
Perhaps there were other relationship issues I left out, but the end result remains the same.
She doesn’t want, nor deserve your determination to work things out at the moment.
So don’t try to go against her will. It will only make her angry even if she was the one that dumped you.
For men, getting women back with no contact means that they must stay in no contact and let their women deal with their own issues.
They must do so because the dumper’s issues are way beyond their control.
As you may know, every person is responsible for his or her own actions and your ex is no exception.
That’s why you must let her go so that she can experience a single life for a while.
It can take days or it can take weeks before no contact starts having an effect on her.
Nobody really knows.
It might not ever make your ex crave your attention again, so moving on is your best option right from the moment when you get dumped.
We do, however, know that somebody has an important lesson to teach your ex-girlfriend.
And that person, dear reader is not you.
There are only two things you should consider when a woman breaks up with you and you’re following no contact.
The first one is whether she has enough space from you and the second is time.
My ex-girlfriend says she needs space
It doesn’t get any clearer than when your ex-girlfriend says she needs space.
Your ex-girlfriend needs a lot of distance and time away from you to process the breakup.
She’s in the first stage of a breakup for the dumper, after all, so she feels incredibly suffocated.
Your ex is, in essence, asking for no contact—and you must provide it to her immediately.
You likely feel naturally inclined toward your ex because she broke your heart into a million pieces.
You probably wish you could just hear her voice and hug her one more time.
And that’s why you must go no contact with your ex-girlfriend, as it will prevent you from chasing her and heal your wounded heart—one day at a time.
Running after her may work in Hollywood movies but not in real life. When she’s done, she’s done. So give her all the space she asks for.
Be really generous and throw in some extra space.
Hoping to be friends with your ex right after the breakup is dangerous for your health.
You will likely desire your ex-girlfriend’s attention even more because she obviously wants less of yours.
This phenomenon occurs naturally due to the breakup pain.
I call it the dumpee’s syndrome.
So even if your ex wants to be friends, I suggest that you accept her request and go no contact right after.
Praying and wishing you could crawl back into her life and consequently, heart is desperate-thinking and completely disrespectful to yourself.
By the time you actually manage to portray change, improvement and get close to her, you will have tethered yourself to her leash.
She’s going to teach you how to bark and roll over for her. And that’s why I strongly advise you not to give her that power.
You will never be happy again and honestly, neither will she. Despite your ex-girlfriend wanting all the power, she doesn’t really want it.
Your ex-woman will only acknowledge you worth when you’re diligently recovering in no contact and portraying strength.
It cannot happen if you continue committing the typical post-breakup mistakes.
If you try to force her to stay by instilling shame and guilt in her, she will slowly detach and show you how little you mean to her.
It takes a really mature individual who’s done a lot of soul-searching to fight against her inclinations and essentially realize how the breakup is affecting her.
So if your ex-girlfriend is acting out of control, chances are she will never reach the levels of emotional maturity you need her to be on for the no contact rule to work.
In all honesty, you will have dodged the bullet with your ex.
Getting her back with no-contact
For no contact to work on a woman, you must set the foundation for the laws of the universe to do its job.
The best way for you to do that is by never, ever reaching out to your ex in no contact and leave her completely alone—forever if it may be.
In this way, you’ll regain some of the power you lost on the day of the breakup.
Rules of no contact
No contact rule is basically just a rule. It’s a self-imposed restriction that manifests the best results you can achieve with an ex.
The first rule of the no contact rule is to never break it—ever. You must follow this rule like it’s the only thing you know how.
The second rule of no contact is to use it the way it’s meant to be used and not half-way.
It’s meant for you to heal and recover which includes no checking up on your ex-girlfriend no matter what.
A lot of people voluntarily neglect this important part even though it’s so important for the dumpees.
If you’re going to do the indefinite no contact rule, please do it the way you’re supposed to do it.
Unfollow your ex on social media and prevent yourself from receiving any information about her.
Only once you’ve done that, will you be able to finally get a breather and recover from your ex as a dumpee.
Don’t delete your ex from social media though. Hiding her from view is enough (provided you have the determination not to look at her posts, of course).
I see some people saying how following the no contact rule with your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend is a weak move because it’s “The coward’s way out.”
I’m here to tell you it’s far from that.
It’s a powerful move, full of self-respect, self-love, self-appreciation and much more.
The no contact rule is also a respectful gesture toward your ex because you’re telling her that you respect her decision.
It does not tell your ex that you’re holding grudges or that you aren’t willing to talk to her.
You are merely giving her the space and time to reach out on her own terms.
If you come across comments that oppose the indefinite no contact rule and you’re starting to doubt no contact with your ex-girlfriend, I’m here to tell you the truth.
I have nothing to gain by deceiving you—as I believe in karma.
Dumpees experience unbelievable withdrawals when they reach out prematurely to their ex. In fact, the pain is often so bad that dumpees can’t eat or sleep as a result.
And that’s something I take very seriously.
So please stay in no contact with your ex-girlfriend so that you can heal and give your ex what she needs.
If you do that, you’ll maximize your chances with your ex as well as recover as fast as you can.
Will she move on in no contact?
Staying in contact with women will make them move on and forget about you even faster.
The reason for that is that women can use you to take that last step to get over you.
Yes, your attention can actually help your ex to leave you in the past. She will feel great to receive your unconditional love when she deserves it the least.
Just put yourself in her shoes for a minute and imagine how your ex would feel if you stay in her life.
She will likely think “I don’t want to be in a relationship with my ex anymore, but he sure is making it easier on me by taking my guilt away.“
Dear friend, most dumpers, regardless of gender are over you on the day of the breakup.
And if by some chance, they have any lingering doubts left, staying in contact will erase them shortly after.
This is the hurtful truth you need to hear so that you can start implementing the no contact rule with your woman.
The psychology behind no contact
No contact works on women, men and just about everyone in between. It’s not about gender or sexual orientation.
The human mind is a complex piece of machinery, and we’re still trying to wrap our heads around it.
But from my understanding, the psychology behind no contact works like this;
When you get broken up with by your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend, you have a responsibility to retain your value as a person and a partner.
The only way for you not to push your ex away and keep your value is to remove all attention from your ex-girlfriend. So when you allow her to be free, you in essence regain the respect your ex has lost for you.
Leaving your ex-girlfriend completely alone makes her happy. She has to be alone (or with someone else) and you must respect that.
You don’t have to like it and you don’t have to love it. But you must nonetheless respect your ex’s freedom of choice.
Regardless of gender, the human mind works similarly in no contact for both genders.
Short-term results from no contact can often be noticed very quickly after the breakup.
There are many signs to look out for after your ex-girlfriend has broken up with you. Some of the obvious signs your ex still loves you are when she gives you attention, flirts with you, wants to spend time with you and so on.
As a dumpee, you might not see the signs that your ex-girlfriend still loves you, and that’s why you must remain patient and calm.
Developing the ability to stay calm under pressure is crucial when it comes to getting your girlfriend back with no contact.
I’d say it’s one of the most important skills in life.
Does no contact work on women if you broke it?
The more mistakes you make, the more you lower your chances of reconciliation with your ex-woman.
This is no rocket science.
Whenever you cave into curiosity and impulsively reach out to your ex before she’s ready, you ruin your self-esteem.
Not only that
Breaking no contact with your ex-girlfriend pushes her away and makes you suffer again.
So even if you’re having a bad day and you want to reach out to your ex for comfort, do your best not to break no contact.
Stay away and persevere at all cost! Reaching out to her prematurely oftentimes means bad news. In a nutshell, it suffocates your ex-girlfriend and hurts your heart.
Also, be aware of the 30-day to get your ex back scam. It does not work. Your ex-girlfriend isn’t sitting by the phone, waiting for you to call her.
It’s quite the opposite. She’s far from staying available, enjoying her life.
As difficult as it is to hear this, please don’t break no contact with your ex-girlfriend. Even if you feel better or you’ve completely moved on do not reach out to your ex!
You have nothing to gain.
Does no contact work on women after begging and pleading?
No contact can work even if you resorted to begging and pleading after the breakup.
However, please keep in mind that the more you decreased your value in your ex’s eyes, the harder you made it for yourself to redeem yourself.
If only it were as simple as saying to your ex, “I don’t know what got over me. I’m sorry.”
But it’s not.
If you do that and apologize to your ex, you’ll only emphasize your impulsiveness and solidify your ex’s decision for leaving you.
For this trick to have a slither of hope, you must perform it immediately after the breakup—preferably on the same day and never initiate contact again.
If you begged and pleaded your ex-girlfriend to reconsider the breakup during no contact and acted on impulse, simply restart the no contact rule.
Start the healing process again and let the time do its work.
No contact is the safest place to be in when it comes to getting your ex-girlfriend back. There truly is no better way to get her back if you pleaded.
Every day you spend in no contact, you spend improving and healing.
So keep in mind that no contact works for you every time, 100% of the time. As for your ex, it really depends on her perception of you and the things going on in her life.
People have a tendency to forget and undervalue others very quickly when the relationship comes to an end.
So if you got dumped, no contact will always work for you to some degree. If nothing else, you will at least eventually regain the respect you’d lost from your ex.
No contact works almost every time
When you implement the no contact rule successfully from the very beginning, your chances of getting your ex back increase tremendously.
The main reason for that is that you allow your post-breakup persona to retain its value.
In your ex’s eyes, you simply remain as the broken-hearted dumpee.
However, if you beg and plead your ex-girlfriend to take you back for weeks and months, that’s another story.
So let’s not go down that path.
James Allen – as a man thinketh
Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power.
No contact rule does indeed work on women. The only difference between the two genders is that women tend to come back often for security when men come back for ego purposes.
No contact works because it’s meant for you to retain your worth as a human being and as an ex-partner.
By staying in no contact indefinitely with the woman you love, you are strongly resisting the urge to contact her.
When you do this, your ex will initially be very happy about the space you’re giving her.
After some time, she will begin to wonder why you aren’t chasing after her. She won’t reach out, but merely become curious about your inactions.
And that’s the foundation for attraction to develop.
Once she’s curious enough and perhaps dates a few other men, she will face reality. Either her next dating candidate will be someone she can create a life with or she won’t.
So stay in no contact to find out. She might bounce back to you when her rebound fails.
Getting your wife back with no contact
If you live together with your ex-partner and you’re wondering how to get your wife back with no contact, allow me to bring some clarity.
No contact is not about ignoring your wife or your ex-partner. It’s also not about pretending everything’s okay.
It’s all about respecting her need for separation.
If your ex is rude, cold and distant toward you, you must:
- show respect and in return ask for it
- back off and allow her to deal with her emotions
- stop asking questions she doesn’t want to answer
- make the conversations only about important things (kids, bills, family, etc.)
- be on your best behavior
In theory, when you’re living with your wife, you’re essentially in limited contact.
Sometimes staying in no contact is not possible, so don’t think that you must always maintain no contact with your ex-wife.
Rememer, no contact is based on the following principles:
- respect
- giving space
- not making things worse
- moving on
Be nice and respectful to your wife even though she may not act nicely toward you. It took her long to change her perception of you, so it’s a given that it will take her a long time to see you in a better light as well.
Be patient.
Did no contact work on your woman or are you still in no contact? I’d like to hear your thoughts and opinions in the comments below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Yes, I totally agree she needs some kind of emotional trauma and if history repeats itself she’ll call me crying again. Thanks for your reply. Bill
That’s right, Bill.
You have to wait for something to happen to your ex. That’s when she might contact you and express interest.
Hang in there,
Zan
I’ve read 2 of your articles and see the truth behind what you say. I’m blocked on everything from my ex wife. This makes it easier for me to be in no contact indefinitely. Once things go south or something traumatic happens I’ll get a call. It’s the time that it takes that wears on you. But when your blocked you go on with your life and make chances to become a better man.
Keep writing these informative articles there great.
Hi Bill.
People usually reflect on their actions when something bad happens to them. Remember that your ex is in a powerful state of mind and that she needs some kind of emotional reset.
Best,
Zan
Take back your dignity. If you haven’t gone full NC do it now. Women do not respect begging and even if they were to stay in the relationship you have lessened yourself in her eyes and your own. This will only cause problems down the line. Use no contact to strengthen yourself and what you have to offer anyone (be it you, your children, your gf, or future people in your life). Don’t make excuses for her behavior. Reading some of this it seems there may be underlying issues on the part of your Gf that you are working to look the other way on. Allow them to be responsible for their own faults or move on. Best of Luck. TFIY ~ FinalSpaceApe
What if i started no contact 3 months after the break and had some communication before that ?
kanav khanna
Stay committed to NC. If you had some contact it will depend on what you did and the relationship itself prior to the separation. Details matter.
It’s been a week of NC now with my current ex, and yes I did beg a bit in our last conversation, but nothing seriously over the top. I still have the keys to her house and we are still on a phone plan together. She has not asked for the keys back, or offered to take me off her plan either. We are both in our early 40s and met on a dating app. We had practically lived together for over a year as I would spend the night at her place every night and cuddle to sleep every night. Her kids liked me and I liked them as well, she even commented recently before the breakup that I was great with her kids. We became each others best friend and communication was never an issue. She was also good with my kids. My son is autistic and when I met her she was a teacher who dealt with kids like my son. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. We did trips together both alone and with all of our kids. We communicated often, even with uncomfortable issues and always worked past them. She claimed she loved me very much and short of cheating could work to forgive a lot. I lost a job earlier in the year before the COVID lock down, but didnt tell her about it for a week, that caused a major issue. I was out of work for 2 months but eventually got and even better job and she seemed so happy about that.
But we did have a few rocky issues going almost back to the beginning and they were mainly trust issues. She was cheated on by her ex husband and the next man after him. I was in the same situation as I was cheated on by the mother of my kids and the next one after her, so we both had a bit of trust issues, but also an understanding of each of our situations. I dont believe she is a cheater, and I certainly am not, but she shows a pattern in her past of never being single long, in some cases almost overlapping her partners.
At one point in December she reactivated her singles profile after she accused me of lying and cheating on her. That lasted the weekend and we worked things out by sunday. Fast forward to the begging of May, she again reactivated the same profile, but updated all the pictures, so I reactivated mine. We had a big fight about this, but again i was over by her on Sunday night and we worked it out… so it seemed. My trust issues came from the fact that every time we would fight I would go to that site to see if she was there, those are my issues to deal with, but I was proven right twice now. The first time she said she was looking for me, but forgot it was still open on her computer. As she is the type who really doesn’t lie, I took her word on that. The second time all the pics were updated.
The tuseday after Memorial Day was the last time i saw her in the morning when i left for work and kissed her good bye. That day she told me that the mother of my kids sent her a nasty message on FB and that she couldnt take that. But she also admitted that weeks earlier, she had been the one to initially message the mother of my kids.
What caused all the issues was the mother of my kids, she herself is a very toxic person and has no issues with resorting to name calling on both of us. Well, the current gf couldnt take it anymore after a year of these issues. I contacted a lawyer that week and had the meeting the following week and will be going after the mother of my kids to change the stipulations of our relationship for the kids. No contact with me outside of the issues for the kids, and ABSOLUTELY no contact with anyone in my life. When I told her this, she said she was happy I took that step but that it was just too little too late. I really dont want to lose this woman as she was the most meaningful relationship I have ever really had. But she is completely “Taurus” stubborn so I fear I may have lost her for good and I am crushed by this.
Hello i really like your article it totally makes sense. But the question is will it work even if you are not long together with your partner? In my case, i met her on a dating app and on the next month i decided to meet her (longdistance relationship) and after that it clicked between us and we spend all in all 1 week together. Last january and march. But unluckily the pandemic started and the boarders closed and didnt have a chance to meet. All was good we were planning things together, like she moving in with me next year she bought me gifts and felt that she was really into me even if we just talked on chat and on facetime. Then 3 days ago she suddenly turned cold and tells me im not giving her enough space that im to toxic sometime and that she realized that she cant be with someone like me anymore. In our case one problem as well is that we dont have that connection between us yet because we just met 1 week all together. Is there a chance that this “no contact rule” will work on our case?
No, you havent even built a foundation for her to even miss you at all. Weeks? Come on. The only thing you may give her is a bit of a challange if you go no contact.
Hello, so my story is that me and my best friend for 3 years started dating and the after 3 months of dating she told me she didnt want to be dating anymore and get back to friends but i refused and we fought and stopped talking for a while,then i went back to fdating another girl and posted her on my socials, after that she went to date the guy that i hate the most because he was talking bad about me around her so she can dislike me, so she told me that we should try to back to the best friend phase but it didnt work we kept fighting a lot then i told her that she is dating the available guy and she isnt worth any value that i gave her, after that she tried to forgive me and she did and after it i told her that when i was with here i had feelings for another girl(which the one im dating now) aftre that she told she doesn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore and stopped replying to me so i removed her from all socials
So i wanted a closure so i talked to mutual friend which is close to her and i went to see her as a surprise so i can apologize maybe win her back( i think she knew i was coming) so we set there for 2hr’s arguing and telling her for one more chance but she refused saying i cant be number 2 for you and i made her follow me on instagram so she can check on me and she accepted
After that i tried to text her to check if she want to talk or a space and she removed me from the instagram, i just want my best friend back
Do you think she liked/loved me?
Do you think i should do the NC method ?
Do you think i broke her heart?
Do she thinks about me or misses me ?
Thats all thank you !!
My ex and I lived together and on March 1st when I went to work she moved out and ghosted me that same day. She didn’t take all of her furniture and also took belongs of mine. We were together for two years and had just gone to Las Vegas the weekend before. I also was her daughter (4 and a half years old):acting bonus dad (stepdad) for two years. My ex has low self-esteem and insecurities. She would constantly tell me that she didn’t feel beautiful or loveable and she also would have a panic attack every once in awhile stemming from her ex husband who beat her up back in 2016. My ex has an anxious attachment disorder and gets seasonal depression to.
I even purchased a house for me and her as we talked about getting married. She even had a dress and I had a ring for her. I started no contact with my ex the same day that she left. My question is how will no contact work in a situation like this? I know there are no guarantees but from reading your blogs ex’s come back 90% of the time. Also all this is going on through the coronavirus pandemic so I’m not sure if that changes anything or not? It has been two months since she has left. Any insight or comments are welcomed. Thanks in advance Can!
Hi Greg.
It’s not that 90% of people come back, but rather than 90% of people hear from their ex again.
I can’t predict how no contact will affect your ex-girlfriend. That’s something only time will tell. If she’s anxious, she might come back for comfort.
Best regards,
Zan
Did she ever come back ?
Zan, I am a little confused by this article. I get the impression that you are saying No Contact will not work at all if you met the traits described in the earlier part of the article but then you make it seem like there’s still a possibility of getting them back? What is your definite answer on this? Should I even be open to the idea of her coming back in my life or should I just forget about it? Just so we are clear I was negligent, cruel (though she could be too), disrespectful, and authoritative/controlling. Currently in therapy to get all that fixed.
By no contact forever basically means it doesnt expire. If someone said, 30 days of no contact, then on the 30th day you would drive youreself crazy if you never heard back from her within that time-frame. As long as you dont have an end date, you wont keep questioning if this is the day she will reach out to you. The other main reason is that during this time, you’re supposed to be working on you and keeping yourself busy and healthy. You need to be a man not show weakness like staying in sulking. Its unattractive towards woman. No contact for as long as it takes them, not you.
Great question confused! I’m in a similar situation. Zan would appreciate your inputs!
It depends how bad you were. If it was hell for her, who wants to go back to hell? That’s either over or it’s gonna be a long NC. By then you probably don’t care about you ex anymore.
I’ve been 2 weeks NC, I don’t know if that’s gonna work and I also don’t know if that’s what I really want. I can’t tell if I am here the dumper or dumpee cause she ended it but I told millions of times that I can’t be in the relationship anymore. I wasn’t feeling myself anymore, deep inside me I didn’t really see a future. Right now she’s with her family and friends and I am alone, so I guess loneliness is killing me. I don’t want to leave bed. I know I should be taking care of myself but I just can’t right now.
She’s not bad, she has many things I like but at the same time there’s a lot I don’t really like. I don’t know what to do.
Thank you for reading, whoever is reading this right now.
Zan,I love reading this over and over again.
My wife went out our house to go to her parents house, without saying anything to me. We were married for 17 1/2 years, not a happy marriage, cause we argued about my son of a previous relationship. I tried to reach out sometimes, apologysed my faults, but she was always indiferent: didnt reply messages, didnt say anything about simple gifts I sent her. It has been tough for me, this 3 months of silence from her. I dont know what she wants, she doesnt say anything and didnt go through divorce. Please help me, what should i do to have my spouse back?
Please, suggest me what I should do. I was in a relationship for 4+ years. Due to the things that happened in my childhood, I have commitment issues. Even though I was in a serious relationship, I was scared that someday she might leave me and I always tried to keep her at an arms length. In 2018 I asked for a break up because my career was not going downwards, I just finished college and had no Job and nothing to work with. She accepted and she went no contact. I reached out to her after a month and explained what my problem was and she happily accepted. That was the best day of my life after meeting her.
Few months later, I had a plan of going for a masters since my career was not taking off at all. I started getting anxiety about it and broke off again. I reached out a month later and she says she doesn’t want to talk to me or speak to me at all. After my masters plan was all set, I was due to leave to US in Jan 2020. We were speaking, met up, went out for a date, and went for a vacation too. Everything was progressing smoothly and I thought this time I should not cause her grief. I started working on myself, started controlling my anger, working on my commitment issues.
Before leaving to US and even after coming here, she used to video call me, said she missed me. She said she loves me. I told her, I will do everything to convince her parents to give me a chance and I will definitely keep her happy this time.
A week later, she stopped texting me much, I left her for a day thought she is busy with work and since we stay apart half way around the world now, we have conflicting schedules. The next day I was awake all night so that I can speak with her. She said she doesn’t want to talk to me. She said the only reason she was with me was because I was leaving and she wanted me to be happy before I left. She has moved on. She went as far saying she likes someone else( which I now started to doubt, and in the past 4 years I never doubted her of cheating me).
I begged and pleaded and promised I am doing my best to change. I am changing not just for you but for us. I have my dreams of us travelling the world together. I am working hard, so that I never will put you in that position anymore. I even started taking a therapy and started hitting gym to relieve my anxiety. She started blocking me and she doesn’t want to talk to me at all. She only kept hangouts unblocked, even though I am annoying her in that too by texting her a lot she is not blocking she is ignoring me. Our mutual friends asked her to give me a chance and she says, she doesn’t want to. Please help me.
Sorry for the long post, but I am desperate. I am afraid if I go no contact she will completely forget me. I am not desperate because I need her in my life but I wanted her in my life. I even introduced her to my family. I plan on writing a letter to her and send her after a month but I don’t know if it will work or not.
It would be great help if anyone can suggest me what I can do. I am willing to do anything to get her back. Please help and I am sorry for taking your time.
I have a question: If I apply the NC rule, when do I know its the right time to make contact. My wife and I are recently separated. It was not bad breakup by any means. We just went out to dinner one evening and she confessed that she wanted a break. She claims is because she feels that I dont love her kids enough and bad streak with income. She mentioned that she no longer wants this type of lifestyle with financial struggles or vacations. Her favorite statement, “love is not enough.”
Anyway, we have stayed in contact once or twice a week. And our convos are usually pretty long, but she made it clear that while there is still love, shes not willing to make an extension on something that doesnt work well together.
I try to stay away as much as I could but she usually contacts me with some details of her life and kinda uses me to vent.
Ive made it clear that I respect that she trying to make this process as smooth as possible, but that dont confuse me being there with some sort of friendship since I see her in a romantic context.
So going back to my original question, if I apply the nc tactic. When do I know its a good time to reply to her messages or her contact attempts. Am I supposed to go cold turkey and ignore her if she attempto contact me. Or do I go with thre flow? I guess what im asking is, where do I draw the line?
Hi Alex.
Don’t ignore her messages.
Just keep in mind that if she thinks that your relationship can’t be saved, there’s nothing you can do to change that.
She has to come to a realization on your own, so for now, see if you can bond with her kids a bit better. Be on your best behavior and don’t expect or demand anything from your ex.
Patiently wait if she changes her mind in the future.
Best of luck,
Zan
Personally I’d draw the line at enacting the emotional labour of those once or twice a week conversations. That’s exactly what my ex did to me; unceremoniously kicked me to the curb while telling me that she loved me but that in no uncertain terms, we simply couldn’t be together.
Post breakup she continuously texted and called me (sometimes “by mistake”) sometimes it was small talk, sometimes it was for emotional support, sometimes it was the pretense of attempting to support me and at others she was sending out mixed messages.
All of that served to prolong my agony and kept me in a perpetual state of confusion. I now believe that the emotional state I found myself in was her approximate goal all along.
If I were you I’d no contact her. Not to get her back you understand, but to be free from her egotistical tyranny.
The common thread in all the men getting their women back is literally waiting YEARS for them to change their mind. It is totally different to men who just take weeks or maximum a month or two to come back.
Women just don’t come back really. If they do it’s because they have been betrayed or disappointed themselves and reach out to the one recent guy who didn’t abandon THEM.
Men come back because they realise what they lost quite quickly. They see that the “monotony” they felt were going through is actually what they want and is actually beautiful. They want the person who they took for granted at the end. The crucial difference is they realise this almost immediately.
Women don’t. They think the guy they left – even if he didn’t cheat – is a low value guy. They feel glad he is in the past. They get attention from other men and they now think they are better than him.
Think about it: when did a guy dump a woman for being “too nice” a woman?
I think you are wrong here. I have dunped a few women for beuh too nice.
My experience with NC
In a long distance relationship for 5 years .. I and my fiance decided to get married last july-19.. but I had problems with my ex (long story) so we postponed to get married in December-19. we had a good holiday together but when I get back to my country in September she changed her mind.. she said that 1) I let her down in July 2) I still see my ex (yes I do because of kids) 3) moving to my country will be a big change for her 4) she is very stressed with her work 5) she needs time to think about it etc.. conclusion she sees only negative things. I reacted very upset because I feel like she is taking revenge 🙁
Any way 1st week after the break-up I tried to text her but she was cold and I let her alone. After a month, I text her this week just checking how she is doing with her work, she asked the same question and that ‘s all.
Next day she called me via messenger but she immediately hangup and she texted that it was by mistake.. I said don’t worry LOL after that I sent her a joke just for laugh. she replied with a laugh.
So far this is my 1 month NC experience.. I don’t know if I have to keep the NC 😉
MY ‘NO CONTACT’ EXPERIENCE
I have been through 2 heartbreaks and am currently experiencing my 3rd. During the first 2 heartbreaks I was forced to use the “No Contact Rule”. I had no prior knowledge of the ‘No Contact Rule’, essentially I was pushed to the edge after breaking every rule that a dumpee can. I begged, pleaded, physically stalked, cried and applied guilt tactics. It was bad and lasted about 3 weeks to a month each time. I had no power and looked incredibly weak. Finally after pushing my exes to the limit, where they now pretty much despised me, I finally resorted to ‘No Contact’. I really had no choice at this point.
Breakup #1:
I was 19 years old. My first love. She was bad for me but I loved her beyond belief. I believe that when we enter a relationship we really need to conduct an assessment. By assessment I mean, how did this relationship transpire? Sometimes, this may help you predict your outcome. I was too young and naïve to understand at the time but this girl dumped her boyfriend in a ruthless manner for me. I should have picked up on that as the same thing would likely happen to me. After 6 months I noticed a lack of respect and attention exhibited by my girlfriend which essentially led to her breaking up with me for the attention of other guys. Being that it was my first love I was heartbroken to say the least. Like previously stated I resorted to every mistake possible until I reached my limit and went ‘No Contact’. I even remember her laughing at me when I was crying.
As I entered ‘No Contact’ I started journaling. My journal consisted of only times my ex would attempt to contact me. I literally disappeared. Could not be found. Didn’t answer calls etc. I went extreme radio silence, if that’s a thing. I was essentially dead. I would journal and analyze patterns of contact attempts from my ex and found that it increased greatly as time passed. She became obsessed. My power was increasing and I really was starting to feel good. Now I know how important time is, but when you are a dumper in the heat of rejection it is hard to fathom its importance. Each day I got stronger. I felt more powerful and soon I just didn’t care.
Eventually I answered the phone and spoke to her. By this time I was over her. I was calm and cool. She wanted to make things better but I just wasn’t ready to be hurt again. We tried to hangout but it just didn’t ever workout. My life moved on without her. I went to college. Got a high paying job and bought a house. She on the other hand didn’t finish high school and is currently on social assistance. She wrote me a letter about 10 years after the breakup apologizing. I saw her about 15 years later and she was unrecognizable. She had gained so much weight and her looks had faded beyond belief. This was a blessing in disguise. She still asks me to come see her to this day. She only came back once I was actually and truly over her.
Breakup #2:
I was 24 years old. My second “real” love. I spent a lot of time with this girl and actually got engaged to her. I was blindsided when she essentially broke things off and ghosted me. You would think that after experiencing my earlier break up that I would better prepared but that was not the case. This one actually felt worse. I was a complete zombie. Again I broke every rule, stalking, calling, crying, begging etc. Eventually I pushed my ex to the point where she now hated me. So again I had no choice but to go ‘No Contact’.
After about 4 months of ‘no contact’ she started to break. This really caught me by surprise. I would never have thought she would ever break no contact. She started calling, leaving messages all of which I ignored. (Not always a good tactic). I can actually remember the exact day I was “over her”. It was the funniest thing. On that day she stalked me at a friend’s house and cornered me when I was leaving. She said that she made a big mistake and wanted to get back together. It was literally jaw dropping that on that day I found peace and let go of the final thread of hope and she appears. I will never forget that day. We could never make it work. I was too far gone and feared having to go through the pain again. Again, she came back once I truly was over her. Not sure why this happens. It just did. She is now married and has 2 kids. She texts me all the time wishing she could be with me and plans to leave her husband.
Conclusion:
As I stated earlier, I am on my third broken heart. It sucks badly. This one hurt worse than the others. Not sure why other than I was blindsided. I handled this one much better. No crying, begging etc. I have entered ‘No Contact’ but have not been ignoring. She contacts me occasionally. It will be interesting how this unfolds but I truly trust No Contact. I truly want her back but if history tells me anything, once I hit my threshold and let go I don’t see me wanting her.
Do you think NC will work for a long distance relationship?
Hang in there Johnny! Going through a tough time myself….It would be nice if there was a support group we could all talk in maybe through something like Discord?
Im proud of you man, Im going thru the same thing at this very moment, it hurts like hell. Im so glad you’re doing so well.
And what happened then? It really helped me to read this.
I once used the no contact ruie, without even knowing what I was doing and eventually got a letter from my now ex-wife.The difference is that we were separated at the time and I had had enough of her blame casting, insults and general narcissistic behavior.it took some time and during that period, I had become somebody else ;no longer was i going to be silent for peace sake, no longer was I going to get into an exchange of words with her. As indicated above, we eventually got a divorce and you know what? it did not matter. There was a time when i would have panicked, cry my heart out and do other stupid things.
Fast forward to present day: I am the dumpee in this case. My ex-fiance would not listen when i told her to hold her hand with wedding plans. it is not that I was unsure (contrary to what she believes); there was a hitch with getting a copy of my divorce documents-the originals were lost in a fire. She started saying that if i did not want to get married, why didn’t i say so? Try as I may to tell her otherwise, her behavior changed and she eventually broke it off. She maintains that I made her look stupid in front of her family. If only she had listened to me and had some patience! I am a single man again and being punished for the wrongs (infidelity) done to her in the past by her ex-husband. I truly love this woman-she was not a bad person per se. I see some qualities that are worth fighting for and it was good while it was good. However, here i am again, after 6 years, using the no-contact rule. Our breakup is still pretty young-two weeks, so I guess i have to be patient. i am tempted to contact her and I really miss our time together, but I have to be strong, I guess.
Hi Richard.
I’m sorry to hear history has repeated itself.
But on the other side, you know exactly what you want from a partner and what you will tolerate.
This person you were dating was clearly very eager to get married and it meant a lot to her. She may not be a bad person, but that alone does not make her the right one.
I’d advise you to go back to no contact, my friend and things will change for the better one way or another.
Kind regards,
Zan
My girlfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. We met young (me 17, her 15) and experienced our first proper relationship together. We moved in together this year due to her prompting and while the stresses involved with cohabitation (shared finance, complacency, work stress, etc) definitely caused issues, I still loved her unconditionally, so much so that only a few short days before she left me, I had bought her an engagement ring (boy was I wrong about how I interpretted our relationship’s state). Anyway, she left me telling me that “I’ve changed, what I want has changed, it’s nothing you’ve done, I wouldn’t change anything, I just can’t give you what you need and I will be a completely different person in 5 years.” Needless to say I’ve been a heartbroken wreck, seeking support from friends and family constantly. The real issue with trying to sort NC is that we still share a house for the next 4 months. Seeing her get dressed up and go out for who knows what has been harder than I thought imaginable to cope with, especially since I found out she has been using Tinder and clubbing since basically day 1 of the breakup. I worry that our cohabitation may hurt the chances of reconciliation in the long run. I spent a week of NC at my family home and upon return noticed she was significantly more open to casual conversation and spending time together, joking and laughing like old times, watchinh netflix together and she even complimented my new appearance (losing weight, hair cut, dressing better) repeatedly. I actually noticed she would glance constantly at me while I wasn’t looking as we sat on the couch together. Anyway, the realisatiom that she was searching for new people and also being blatantly obvious about it (not trying to conceal what she was doing on her phone or leaving the room to do so) was the last bit of emotional pain I could take. So now (2 days later) I am at my family home again and intend to stay there in NC from this point onwards. I’m not sure how I should respond to any texts I may receive (usually household related or a favour) from her, I don’t want to be rude and ignore them, but also worry it may make things worse if I reply. When the breakup occurred I think I gave the impression that if she changed her mind she could come back and we could try again. I don’t know if I should send her a text sometime in the near future stating that I have now accepted the breakup, will respect her decision and give her space and that maybe in the future after we both grow, we could maybe try again, or if I should just avoid sending her anything and remain in NC.
I apologise for the long wall of text, just a lot to let out at once I guess. I really want to thank you for your articles as they have seriously helped me attain some peace of mind and the clarity to better understand why she is behaving how she is (her stages being the dumper, seem to be 1 and 2 currently). I do hope for reconciliation, but as its only the first month I realise that it’s still a long road ahead of me. Any insights you may have would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Zan,
My relationship ended about 4 months ago. my girlfriend and I met at school (we are classmates, I’m 22 and she is 21) and started dating about a little under two years ago.
We became official on may 2017 and had a great relationship, never had any big fights and loved each other a lot. It was all awesome, we shared common friends, my family loved her and her family loved me.
She lives in the same city as me but her hometown is 8 hours away (she goes there in vacations and I joined her several times). We were not going to see each other for about 1 1/2 months because she was going home and I was staying to do an internship at a lawfirm.
On tuesday january 1st (We live in south america so we are in summer) she called me in tears saying she blacked out in new year’s eve and had made out with a friend of hers (she doesnt remember it happened). She told me she had been planning to break up with me on friday since my internship was set to begin on january 2nd. She said she had no real reason to break up with me but wanted to end it so we “could try somethin more serious and commited in the future). I was so devastated, told her I couldnt believe what she had done to me and that it was better if we didnt speak and basically told her it was over. We agreed to meet in person to discuss it when she got back to my city (end of february)
After that, she texted me and my family afterwards apologizing for the mistake she jad
Done and how she had failed us. A couple of days later we talked and she told me again she had no real reason to dump me, but how she felt insecure because I was a better student than her (and how the suposed competition affected her) and how she felt our families were “marrying us”.
I then began no contact and she reached out in february to discuss the breakup in person (in the meantime she had partied like an animal throughout the summer and when she was with me barely went out). She told me she regreted what she had done but that she was doing great. I replied that I forgave her but didnt want to be friends since I only saw her in a romantic context and that if she wanted something to happen between us the ball was on her side of the Court.
Anyway, two months have happened since that and I still want her back. I’m in a much better place now, doing no contact to an extent (I see her everyday at school because of our friends but I say hi politely or avoid her if possible). I have even hooked up with another girl but still think all day about my ex (who seems happy and different from when we were together)
What can I do in my situation? Sorry for the long post
Hi Thomas.
You’ve already told your ex everything there is to say. As you said, the ball is in her court so it’s up to her to make a move.
She has to go through all the phases of relief and elation and get to the point where she discerns whether your relationship is worth pursuing again. Right now, she’s too preoccupied with other things, so all you can do is “wait.”
Until and if she changes her mind, enjoy everything the world has to offer. Keep hanging out with people you like and date other girls if you feel it’s right.
Best,
Zan
For me no contact has worked nicely. I am a bit more healed 2 months after, but still got long ways to go. I have not broken no contact at all in these two months, and have not pleaded at all, i did not even wish her a happy birthday two days ago. She has more space from me than ever. My birthday is today and she has not reached out and i know she will not because she is a person that is quite spiteful and prideful. As far as i can see in these last two months after everything, she seems mad at me or even a bit spiteful, but who cares as long as i heal. To me it looks like the more i am in no contact the angrier she becomes.
Hey Twist.
As you say, no contact is about you and your healing. You come first and your ex second. You’re doing a great job so keep healing.
Also, be aware that you are not responsible for her anger, fears or insecurities. What she’s giving out to the world is merely a projection of her own shortcomings.
Keep it up!
Zan
My personal experience with NC, I have been in NC for almost 6 Months now, started a week after the break up. The only time she contacted me in this 6 months is for wishing me a Happy Birthday.
I heard after the first two months of NC that she was already with someone and in love with him. At that time that was really hard to hear, but i didn’t change anything, i keep in NC, focusing on myself. And now i can say that i feel much better, i don’t care anymore if she contacts me or not. So all of you people out there going through this, be strong, disciplined and keep doing NC, you will feel much better with time, i promise.
Hello this is how mine goes and this is the first time I’m trying NC ,we have been married for 7yrs and we have a son together ,In 2016 I notice some changes on her is not happy or even smile when I ask her what’s the problem she says she’s okay nothing ,one day I went work at night shift as usual coming back morning she parked and go after like 3wks she calls she wants to come back and we leaved together until last year October.
Last year October and November we started fight ,she disrespect , me she never accept when she do wrong , she can’t apologize. Then in October after some fight she left again although just few metres away,we communicate although rudely, hash , disrespectful after a week we reconcile through friends , after a month in mid of Nov again she starts when I was at work coming back she left again to same place ,by then we have been communicating but she talks rudely I took her back to they home after a month that’s Jan she comes back again everything went well until just 10 Nov .
Again for the 4th time after I comes back to work in different town on 12 Nov she parked again and go , Now this time round I’m trying NC not like other time after a week on 17 Nov she called me but I didn’t answer her call since then she didn’t call or sms me again and we are in different places I’m trying NC to see what will happen but she kept quiet too ?
She’s that hot temper person ,she says herself she’s always right , it’s hard for her to accept her mistakes ,she just apologise once in a while.
Sorry for long story but my worries is can NC makes her regrets what’s doing or realise what is doing is disturbing our son mind with all those drama she always goes with him she’s not working I the one providing everything ?
How long should I continue with NC? Can really NC start to hit her soon ?
Thanks for your time
I have a question: If I apply the NC rule, when do I know its the right time to make contact. My wife and I are recently separated. It was not bad breakup by any means. We just went out to dinner one evening and she confessed that she wanted a break. She claims is because she feels that I dont love her kids enough and bad streak with income. She mentioned that she no longer wants this type of lifestyle with financial struggles or vacations. Her favorite statement, “love is not enough.”
Anyway, we have stayed in contact once or twice a week. And our convos are usually pretty long, but she made it clear that while there is still love, shes not willing to make an extension on something that doesnt work well together.
I try to stay away as much as I could but she usually contacts me with some details of her life and kinda uses me to vent.
Ive made it clear that I respect that she trying to make this process as smooth as possible, but that dont confuse me being there with some sort of friendship since I see her in a romantic context.
So going back to my original question, if I apply the nc tactic. When do I know its a good time to reply to her messages or her contact attempts. Am I supposed to go turkey and ignore her if she attempts contact. I guess what im asking is, where do I draw the line?
30 years ago when there was no YouTube and the internet was really just getting up and running, my then girlfriend dumped me and I immediately initiated what is now known as “no contact”(on that day). I didn’t know about “no contact”, I just did what my heart and mind told me to do. 2 months afterwards, she contacted me and after that phone conversation, I knew she had work to do within herself. I on the other hand, improved myself mentally, physically, and pursued a rewarding career path. I continued “no contact” yet she would contact me on occasion(basically to see if she could get back with me) but never said, “let’s get back together.” Her life has been a shambles and a mutual friend has stated she has made the comments, “I messed it up with him” and “I had him and blew it.” I tell this story in brief to let all know it works in making you a better person; it’s tough but you can get through this. Oh yeah, never went back to her, met and got involved with better women.