We have previously talked about the guys’ mind during no contact and addressed the things guys need from their ex-girlfriends to feel content. Today, however, we’ll talk about the female mind during the no contact rule.
We’ll go into detail and explain why girls break up with their partners, what goes on inside their heads during no contact, and of course—why they come back.
But before we do, I’d like you to understand that the female mind works slightly differently from the male mind. Generally speaking, the female mind operates less rationally than the guy’s mind—and tends to be a lot more emotional—instinctual if you will.
Statistics show that in comparison to men, females are a lot more sensitive to negative external forces such as stress, anxiety, fear, depression—hence why they suffer from illnesses of the mind twice as often as the guys do.
This, of course, doesn’t completely depend on the female brain’s biostructure – the way it’s made. It also depends on each woman’s upbringing and the way she perceived and worked through negative experiences in the past.
The challenges, difficulties, support systems, and coping mechanisms all play a huge role in how susceptible men or women are to external stressors. And that’s why we can’t stereotype people merely by gender. People are different in thousands of ways because of thousands of reasons, not just because of their gender.
We also shouldn’t assume that women can’t or won’t think rationally when they’re stressed, in pain, or anxious. This would be very wrong as a woman’s ability to be rational really depends on the mental strength she developed during her childhood, teenage years, as well as later on in life as an adult.
So if you want to learn more about females and the female mind during the no contact rule, stick around. This article will shed some light on women’s post-breakup behavior and help you understand them better.
What makes women the way they are?
Studies at Studyinternational show that women outnumber men academically around the globe.
The reason for that is that women tend to be more education-focused than men. They’re more patient and determined when it comes to their education.
But what about in relationships? If they are so patient and disciplined when it comes to their studies, why do some women unleash their wrath on their partners when they feel stressed?
From my understanding, people (regardless of gender) are who they are and act based on how developed they are as people. The more work they’ve done on themselves before and during the relationship, the less reactive and relationship-destructive they are.
For instance, explosive women who don’t understand themselves and their difficult emotions didn’t learn how to control themselves, so they remained underdeveloped – impulsive.
They will, unfortunately, continue to project their negativity and immaturity onto others and act in self-destructive ways until something teaches them a lesson. That something could be a breakup or something painful and self-reflective.
But in general, women act impulsively sometimes because of their:
- lack of self-awareness and understanding
- personality
- hormones
Some women simply don’t understand that it’s okay to feel angry, but that it’s not okay to project their anger and discontent onto their partners and cause pain.
The same principles apply to men.
Guys often tell their girl or woman that she’s “too sensitive” and that she needs to “calm down.” They don’t know how to express themselves properly and communicate efficiently, so they offend the person they’re trying to placate and end up making things worse.
They bring a bad reaction out of their girlfriend and feel that their partner doesn’t understand them. This, in turn, leaves guys perplexed and their women enraged and exhausted.
It’d be wrong to categorize every woman as impulsive, manipulative, and vengeful because most women in fact aren’t like that. They merely seem to be because they sometimes get hurt easily and act on emotions more often than guys do because they feel emotions more strongly.
So keep in mind that women are the way they are for two reasons.
- They’ve developed themselves that way through experiences.
- They’ve evolved that way over the course of 1.5 million years.
The female mind during the no contact rule
Since women are quite emotional beings, let’s first talk about what your ex is feeling during no contact.
Due to weeks of neglect, suffocation, disrespect, or anything that she perceived in a negative light, your ex is now going through a very negative experience. She’s remembering the times you failed to reach her expectations, so she’s feeling repulsed.
She’s essentially preventing herself from letting go of your flaws and mistakes because she’s latching on to emotions of strength (anger, repulsion, relief) to stay far away from you.
These emotions convince her that leaving you was the right thing to do and that this isn’t the time to discuss relationship matters. It’s time for her to focus on herself and other people.
As a dumper, she probably thinks she’s a victim, so she’s going to stand up for herself and keep you at a distance to protect herself from danger. But when she processes the breakup and sees things more rationally, things could change. She could realize she went too far, feel guilty, and reach out to offer friendship.
Friendship would allow her to do two things – talk to you whenever it’s convenient for her and push you away when she’s got better people to hang out with.
Keep in mind that for as long as your ex doesn’t feel attracted to you, you mustn’t communicate with her. Her opinion of you is not going to change whether you beg and plead or encourage her to open up to you.
It’s going to remain the same (or get worse) because she’s emotionally exhausted and prone to misinterpreting your behavior and thinking you still want something from her.
This is why breakup excuses, such as, “I love you, but I want to be single for a while” don’t sound authentic. Loving a person and not wanting to be with him at the same time doesn’t make sense. Those who love you will want you near them. They won’t push you away to focus on themselves and pretend they might still feel something for you.
If they have feelings for you, they’ll want you to reciprocate them because they’ll be afraid someone else will take their spot.
So try not to hold on to hope now that you’ve broken up. As long as your ex-girlfriend or ex-wife is minding her business, you need to mind yours. You need to focus on healing and detachment because if you don’t, you’ll think it’s your job to impress her and convince her to give you another chance.
Your ex created a negative impression of you
You need to understand that with the help of negative thoughts (and a lack of gratitude), your ex painted a negative picture of you. She basically made you into the person she wanted you to be so that she could justify her reasons for leaving you and have power over you.
Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself for the way your ex feels now. You can’t blame yourself for your ex’s feelings or the lack of them because your ex was responsible for maintaining the relationship and her attraction to you just as much as you were.
You were a couple, so you had common interests to work on and goals to work toward together. If you stopped working on them, it’s because you both put the relationship on autopilot and thought things would fix and improve on their own.
Little did you know that they couldn’t improve without putting the work in. They could only get worse with time.
So if you’re looking for explanations why some women are done forever when they break up with their ex-boyfriend, look no further. Here’s a picture that will explain why.
What is she thinking during no contact?
Right after the breakup, your ex isn’t thinking about the good times and how much fun she had while she was with you. Your ex is feeling overpowered with relief, so she’s thinking she’s much happier now that she can finally do what she always wanted.
She can do what she wants when she wants and with whomever she wants. She’s finally free.
Since your ex regained her independence, she’ll likely behave differently than you’re used to. She might even start dating someone else right away and appear to be on cloud 9 with him. Don’t take her happiness personally, though. When she’s going through the stages of a relationship, she’ll be very excited about dating again.
She’ll feel as if her boyfriend is the best person in the world because she’ll still feel relieved from the end of her previous relationship with you. This doesn’t, however, mean that she’s going to stay happy. As soon as she gets out of the limerence phase, she’s going to stop feeling relieved and elated and revert to her usual self.
That’s when her relationship will slow down and start experiencing challenges.
If your ex doesn’t date anyone, though, she’ll just focus on herself and do the things that feel right to her. She could go out more, meet new people, and do things she previously wouldn’t or disliked. There’s no telling what she’ll do, but do keep in mind that she’ll try to change things up a bit.
This is because she’ll want to disassociate from you and distract herself from feeling guilty, smothered, or disappointed.
Here’s what women think about during no contact.
Now that you know your ex isn’t thinking about you much during no contact, do your best not to look at your ex’s social media. You’ll most definitely get hurt if you dig for information and come across something you aren’t ready to come across.
Something like seeing her laughing and spending time with people you don’t know.
So give your ex some time to process her relief phase and get through the other 4 stages of a breakup for the dumper. It will help you both feel much better.
Is she thinking about me during no contact?
The female mind during the no contact rule is not much different from the male mind. Women, just like guys also think about their ex-partners from time to time when they have a reason to think about them.
The only difference between the two genders is that women often engrave their negative emotions into their subconscious minds, whereas guys tend to process them and forget about them much quicker.
As the adage goes, women remember everything. And they do so because of the emotions they feel.
It’s no secret that human beings are much more likely to remember the people and events that make us feel powerful emotions. This includes good, bad, and especially—traumatic experiences. Strong emotions stay in our minds longer and make us remember them from time to time.
So if you neglected your ex for a very long time, know that your ex-girlfriend, ex-fiancé, or ex-wife probably won’t be able to forgive you any time soon. She’ll likely hold on to the negative emotions from her bad experiences and refuse to let go of them at all cost.
This is because she’ll self-empower herself with negative reminders and continue to think of you in a way that helps her stay in control.
Here’s what the female mind during the no contact rule always remembers.
Will my ex forget about my mistakes during no contact?
If your ultimate goal is to reconnect with your ex in the future, you first need to learn how to negate your ex’s negative perception of you. I’d like to tell you that you personally can’t say or do anything to improve the way your ex thinks and feels about you.
You can, however, give your ex the space she needs to think less often about you and allow her to stop being angry with you.
It’s the only way to make your ex hard reset her bad feelings for you and come back to her senses.
If the breakup happened recently or if your ex still hasn’t shown any interest in you, bear in mind that your ex is currently not capable of being reasoned with. All your ex can do is distract herself with friends and various activities and not think about you.
Although your ex probably won’t forget about your biggest mistakes, she will get enough time to stop feeling pressured and become susceptible to pain.
Most people do, especially women because they’re emotional by nature. So if you want a bit of false hope, remember that women are twice as likely to experience emotional difficulties in life and that they sometimes regret breaking up with their exes because of them.
This is because negative experiences make them think about their pasts and change their perceptions of their exes. All they need to come back when they reflect is nostalgia and lots of pain and regret they can’t deal with on their own.
Try not to worry that your ex will forget about you and everything you’ve done for her if you go no contact. It likely won’t happen because the human mind doesn’t work that way. Especially not the female’s mind during the no contact rule because it quite frankly, doesn’t forget anything.
If you stay in contact and exude a lack of confidence, however, that’s another story. Then your ex will probably end up hating your guts and running for the mountains as quickly as she can. She just won’t see a reason to improve her perceptions of you because you won’t be able to help her recover in ways that she needs to recover.
So if your ex crushed your heart, stay in indefinite no contact. Stay in it even if you hurt your ex a lot and think getting back together is impossible.
Give up on your ex and try to move on
Months or years down the line, your ex will probably forget about some of your shortcomings and might even think fondly of the memories she created with you.
The power of no contact could do its job as it could help your ex disassociate negative thoughts and emotions from you and help her feel nostalgic at times. She won’t necessarily come back because of nostalgia alone, but no contact could help your ex stop feeling smothered, angry, annoyed, cold, or even vengeful.
The point of no contact is to let your ex go and allow time and distance to reset the way she feels about you.
Most dumpers eventually cool off after a while and become ready to be friends. Whether your ex will want to communicate and befriend you depends on how self-aware your ex is and of course, how much suffering you’d caused her throughout the relationship.
If you abused her or did something equally despicable, you probably won’t get a chance with her. You won’t be able to reattract her because no contact doesn’t work in situations where your ex can’t get over your behavior and risk getting hurt again.
In such cases, the female mind during no contact can’t stop seeing the dumpee as the abuser. All it can do is protect itself and stay self-focused.
So if you did something that hurt your ex badly (emotionally or physically), and you kept doing it for a long time, this probably isn’t the time to think about getting back with your ex. It’s time for you to learn your lessons, let your ex heal, and move on.
If your ex comes back after you’ve been abusive, she’ll do so only if she thinks you’ve changed or if someone else hurts her more.
No contact female psychology
As you likely already know, the 30, 45, or 60-day no contact rule is a hoax. It doesn’t work because your space-deprived ex wants nothing to do with you anymore.
Your ex wants peace, quiet, respect, and self-respect from you because these things give her a sense of freedom. So whatever you do, don’t think that you should contact your ex after 30 days or so.
There are no magic potions, spells to get your ex back, acceptance letters, and other remedies people on the internet have come up with in order to give dumpees false hope.
The only universal cure that could work in your favor and help you get your ex back the right way is time away from your ex.
Time in no contact could help your ex:
- Slowly forget about your mistakes
- Become susceptible to pain
- Encounter something stressful
- Look for a quick remedy (get back with you)
Remember these 4 points so that you don’t interrupt the process of no contact and ruin the chances of hearing from your ex and taking things further with her.
The only thing you can do now that you got broken up with is wait, wait, and wait some more. While you’re waiting, focus on detachment and try to get over your ex.
You don’t have to date people if you’re still healing, but do try to stay around people. They will support you during this difficult time and show you life doesn’t have to revolve around your ex.
Did this article help you understand what the female mind needs during the no contact rule? Post your thoughts and concerns below. We’ll get back to you shortly.
However, if you want to talk to us sooner, click here to learn how you can get in touch with us.
Hi Zan,
It’s now been 6 weeks since my girlfriend broke up with me. Getting straight to the point.
Within the first 4 weeks I broke no contact. I went to her house once a week to speak with her, wrote a letter etc. which now after watching videos on YouTube I know that wasn’t a good thing to do.
She did initiate sleeping together twice. Which I also think now it was the wrong thing to do since the day after she told me that she wants time and space to evaluate things and that it doesn’t mean she wants to get back together.
I’m currently in no contact, so I’m no longer going round to the house to speak with her. I’m also blocked on my number and all social media so I can’t contact her anyway.
She has told me there’s no more relationship however I know there’s love there still and the breakdown has been due to a trust and sincerity breakdown which I take accountability for.
I do still love her and see a future together but I just wanted to know judging on the situation I am in. How do I got about getting my ex to see that the relationship we had was very unique and not to completely throw it away.
Thank you,
Rakeem.
Hi Rakeem.
You can’t show her that the relationship was special. This is something she needs to discover on her own. All you can do is give her space and hope that she reflects and discerns your worth. As a dumpee, you just don’t have the power to reason with her and make her see things your way.
So stay in no contact permanently and one of two things will happen. She’ll come back or you’ll get over her and find someone better.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi zen,
It’s now the 5 week since my girlfriend of 4 and half years dumped me. It’s been a very hard few weeks. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had and it’s tough.
The reason for the break up the fact I took a picture with a girl who is just a friend. It got back to my ex through her friend seeing it on Instagram and my girlfriend had an argument with me and dumped me.
We were living together with her 3 sons, I have no children yet myself but I made the decision to be with her and move in.
My phone number and social media has been blocked by her. I have been to the house once a week within the time we’ve been broken up to try and fix things. But she if sticking to her decision to break up.
There was some distance between us leading up to the break up because I have been going through some confidence and self esteem issues with myself.
She asked me whether there was another woman I was interested in and of course I said no!
We have slept together during the break up only once which she initiated. The next morning after she told me that just because we slept together doesn’t mean she has made her decision on wanting to get back together, which I was fine with.
I do want her back, there is still love there but I just want some advice on what you think I should in this time of no contact.
Thank you.
Hi Rakeem.
Thanks for sharing your story and asking questions.
First of all, avoid sleeping with your ex. It won’t help you get your ex back. You’ll just hurt yourself. Remember that your ex needs space and that she’s going to stick to her decision to break up no matter what you say and do. So instead of pestering her with your demands and trying to reel her back in, give her space and show her you respect her feelings.
Right now, all you can do is wait and heal.
Sincerely,
Zan
Dear Zan
I’ve read a number of your articles and I find them incredibly insightful and most importantly honest. I am currently the dumpee, but I was previously the dumper in the relationship (uno reverse). Relationship had a lot of issues with honesty and I feel fidelity on her part. She said she saw no future and that was the same reason why I had initially broken up with her. After the break up she was very eager to give me my things back. She had the bulk of it packed and ready to go. It was mostly junk I didn’t keep anything valuable with her. Most of the things I ended up donating to good will. I noticed at the time she wouldn’t pack 1 or 2 things of mine unless I specifically asked for them – I assumed she would have given me all my things gone the way she was carrying on.
After I got my things I went into no contact straight away as she was acting quite cold and detached. I did not like the dynamic. She wanted to be friends and said she wanted to be there for me etc but I didn’t see the purpose of being friends especially the way she was acting. She called a few times I didn’t answer, I blocked her but recently unblocked her. We have a mutual friend.
It wasn’t until a few weeks later I realised I had forgotten to ask for my quilt back. She asked to borrow just over a year ago and she slept with every night. We haven’t spoken in going on two months and I don’t particularly want too but I would like my quilt back. I was hoping you could help me understand exactly what was going on. (Why would she keep something that is a very clear and distinct reminder of me? Is she holding onto it to use as an ice breaker later on to contact me? ).
Rob
Hi Rob.
Maybe she likes the quilt and doesn’t want to go through the hassle of buying a new one. She probably considers it a part of her bedding. Don’t read too much into it. She’s not holding on to it to contact you about it later.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zen,
I am a girl. And my ex is a girl. However she holds the male figure in this relationship. I been doing no contact 2 months and I reached out to her but no response (as what other online coaches said reach out after 30,45 days). Because of this no response, I am determined to go no contact and move on.
Our relationship is unique because it is a secret relationship when only a few of my friends know. She is open to her friends and family and we agreed to go secret. It was a great relationship until I realised I can’t met her expectations and she is always trying to fix “me”. I have my own insecurity too and I pondered about it and I hope not to repeat these mistakes for future. She was very smothered, cruel and can’t get wait to get rid of me during the last one month of our relationship. She can’t stand breathing the same air as me as it irritates her. I did some begging and reasoning with her to give our relationship another chance. There is definitely some hope that she will realize how harsh she is towards me, but as you said no hope is better to move on.
When I am reading ur article. Do I relate her as my ex girlfriend or “boyfriend”.
Thank you.
Hi Cherish.
It doesn’t matter whether she holds a male, a female, or any figure in between. She’s an ex, which means she’s lost interest and changed the way she perceived you. She’s become resentful on top of that, so waiting for her to magically let go of negativity would be a waste of time. She needs to realize where her anger is coming from before things can improve. And it doesn’t seem like she’ll figure herself out anytime soon.
Hang in there!
Zan
Thanks Zan for the reply. Why do you think she can’t figure it out?
She was very stress at work and even towards her subordinates, she held high standards of them.
Hanging there, knowing I need to distance myself away and not have any hope left.
Hi Cherish.
She’s a dumper nad she needs time to process things. Don’t expect her to realize the things she needs to before she’s ready.
Best,
Zan
My ex blindsided and dumped me, I was totally heartbroken. I tried for the next 3 weeks to win her back and of course failing miserably. She wanted nothing to do with me until 2 weeks after dumping me she got rushed to the hospital and reached out to me (had a coworker call me from her phone). I thought this was God’s way of showing her she was making a mistake and it was bringing us back together. But it was not, she reached out to me because she knew I would come to her aid just like I did throughout our entire relationship (5 years). She only used me to hold her hand at the hospital until her mother got there. I couldn’t believe she used me like that. About a week later she called me to tell me she was moving to go live with her mother who lives over an hour away. I was simply devastated she was doing this and a little pissed off as well and from there I went no contact. Since I went no contact about 5 months ago, I never heard a peep from her. In the past few weeks I discovered she didn’t move in with her mother but she lives much closer to her and that she is already in a new relationship. Coincidentally, her new place is only a few short miles down the road from this guy who she had as a friend on her social while we were together. What are the chances of that? Especially in a rural area. Learning all this has completed gutted me. I am almost certain she was carrying on with this guy in some capacity while she was with me and I believe once she knew he was interested, she dumped me. This would explain the desire to move so quickly especially when she always told me in the past she had no desire to live back in that area. I always think about her and miss her dearly. It’s been that way since she dumped me. But it appears she doesn’t care about me in the least and moved on so easily. I was hoping in time, she would realize all I did for her, how much I truly loved her and how loyal I was to her. Now it feels like she destroyed all this and the thoughts of her with this guy sickens me. I cannot believe how little she cares about me especially after we were looking at engagement rings about a month before she dumped me and we were also looking for a house together.
Hi Mike.
You have every right to feel used. She felt alone and needed emotional support, so she called you and got what she needed from you. The moment someone else showed up, she abandoned you again and monkey-branched to some other guy. Maybe you’re right. Maybe they did start an emotional connection while you were still a couple. Whatever the case may be, don’t let her use you again. Next time, make sure you’re getting something (a relationship) out of it.
Kind regards,
Zan
Why do ALLLL of these blog posts/articles/writings make it the fault of the dumpee, that they made mistakes, small or large, that they were bad people, bad a relationships, or whatever else have you? They never, EVER consider that it might be the DUMPER who is incapable of love, needs an ego boost from the next shiny new toy, can’t communicate, has character flaws, or is just a general douche canoe that is the reason the relationship ended? Why is it always assumed that it is the dumpee’s fault?
Hi Kacy.
It’s not assumed it’s the dumpee’s fault. Please read some other articles as well and you’ll see the dumper is just as responsible for leaving if not more.
Best regards,
Zan
I think girls are not too sensitive, but insensitive. Why are girls so insensitive to their ex’s broken hearts and wounded souls?
Hi Jonathan.
I suppose it depends on each person. Some women just don’t care because they feel their ex has hurt them badly and deserves to suffer.
Women are emotional by nature, but when they stop caring, they can sometimes be ruthless.
Sincerely,
Zan
Sorry but a lot of BS in this!! The human minds slowly let’s go of bad memories, it’s been studied and proven. Female or male, forgiveness always comes around. Unless you’re a narcissist or just pure evil.
No contact does work for a lot of change is made and the person heals themselves. Anyone can see a difference in someone if they were toxic or mentally abusive. Their entire persona will change!!
If a women is going to hate someone forever because of mistakes made! That’s just un-human we’re not born with hate. Most mind sets today are society driven narcissistic traits led on by media, internet, child hood trauma! You name it.
This world needs more spiritual humans not people hating critics who think they’re better than everyone else!! 🙄🙄
Hi Empathy.
The human mind naturally distances itself from issues from the past but if a person keeps telling herself her ex was bad for her, she keeps reliving the past and keeps her negative emotions alive. With exes, this is often the case as they like to stay in control by reminding themselves why their ex isn’t good for them and why they have the right to feel the way they do.
Best regards,
Zan
When I met my ex, she was not a divorced woman, but she wasn’t staying with her husband. We started dating and everything was absolutely perfect.suddenly after six,seven months she started saying that“ I shouldn’t ruin my ex husbands life”, I tried to convince her by saying that “ you have already given your three years, and you are not happy that’s the reason we have started dating” but I was unable to convince her.My ex unblocked me when I was doing no contact, then she came back and messaged me that “I love you, I have filed a divorce now, but I don’t want to be in a relationship now, because I have some mental issues & I want to fix them first by myself ”then she blocked me again, what does this mean?? Please help🙏🏻
Abel let her go, work on yourself, work out, find new hobbies, not saying forget her but work on yourself enjoy life become that Alpha male. Once you happy she will see that happiness and changes but guess what so shall you and you may even see her in a different LIGHT. You may see she needs no parts of your new changes which is a good thing and if you still see her as a part of this new change then thats also good. What im saying dont make her a priority. You must treat her like someone you first meet, a chat here and there and if not so be it.
Why don’t more girls unblock their ex’s to see if they’ve changed?
So hit it and quit it. Don’t commit in the first place Seems like the only answer to this setup
You sound fun.
(sorry for double post) I hesitated to get serious with a girl for 2 years, we were friends, sexual friends, then as a couple, I left her without really understanding me totally about my decisions. I had a feeling of insecurity because of a previous break-up which was very difficult for me. We stayed in constant contact and had relationships for 3 years. I left her a second time… She finally left a month later, I showed her my love during those 3 years, I offered her cakes that I made, a watch that she told me she wore all her life, I didn’t give her enough, she left me in December, I did everything I could to get her back, she still loved me when I broke up, I even asked for her hand, I was ready to come to her house. I finally went to see a shrink who helped me understand where my concern about entering into a serious relationship came from, I finally managed to understand myself and solve this problem. Having done too much forbidding for 2 months I think it’s definitely over, today she insulted me as an asshole, she told me that there were a lot of men. This article helped me to understand something, she only saw the good sides of me (I really showed her my love despite the fact that we weren’t really together), now it’s the opposite. But will time allow her to see the good ones again? She saw all the efforts I made, but for her, it’s too late, she let me hope at the beginning by telling me that “everything is destined” “for the moment I want nothing”, … I’m in a radio silence now, I’ve done too much, I’m her first love. During the course of our story, she said she would never take revenge, she would never give up, little by little I was able to trust her completely, I was really ready to marry her. Finally, she did the opposite, she took revenge on the stories. She said she didn’t want us to hate each other, but in the end, she hated me.
I’m confused, you broke up and you had relationships during those 3 years and you showed her your love while you both had relationships with other people?
Sorry my English is pretty bad, we had a relationship together for three years. But not really in a relationship officially, well for a while I was, for a few months but I left her.
We were a couple for a few months, I meant we were in a relationship together she and I. Sorry my English is pretty bad.
Sounds like she still cares about you but is pissed off.
Unfortunately I don’t think so, she doesn’t speak to me anymore, she told me that I was an asshole and that she had opened her eyes. That there were lots of men, in short, she no longer visibly loves me … And she hated me
Well there you have it men, abandon all hope of getting your woman back,LOL!!!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but the irony of no contact is that its the dumpee who ends up forgetting about the dumper. As more time passes the more you get to enjoy life once again. Everything in this blog is true and there’s no talking the dumper out of it I’ve realised because a friend of mine wants to end his relationship, I myself being his friend can’t convince him that he should reassure his insecure girlfriend so how could she? Anyway, as more time passes the more opportunity is in front of you, the best part? A new relationship will follow naturally. I’ve met someone prettier than my ex, she’s amazing and it came organically as with most relationships and quite frankly I’m over my ex but if I’m so “over my ex” why do I stick around this blog? I stay here because I want to know which deal breakers could ruin future relationships and how to treat my next better, not for my ex. The time will come when you’re no longer worried if they’ll come back or not because by then you would’ve found happiness and see the light at the tunnel. May greener pastures follow you in the new year. You’re a hero for staying strong and allowing life to help you learn from this experience, come reconciliation or oblivion
You say that “You can’t truly love a person and not want him near you at the same time.” My girlfriend was open and honest about her mental health issues from the beginning, we were together 5 months and I know we loved each other. She ended it saying that she wasn’t ready. She says she does love me but being in a relationship is too much for her. Are you saying that’s not possible? Will she be convincing herself now that it was not love and wasn’t anything special to make it easier for her? Can people come back from this kind of breakup or has she gone for good? Frankly I am a bit of a mess trying to work it out. I’m hoping time and space will help her reset herself and reassess where she is at and that she just needs time.
I’m in the same boat. She had mental health issues and the relationship lasted five months before a heavy stressor caused a complete implosion at the end. She couldn’t handle it, said she still loved me but that we couldn’t be together. She continued to contact me and prolonged my pain and confusion – I agonized over it but I did the only thing I could to preserve my sanity and invoked the NC.
Two months on and I’m doing a lot better, I actually sleep at nights, I’m working out more, overhauled my wardrobe and I start a new exciting job next month. I won’t lie, there’s a lot that still haunts me but it isn’t a knife in the gut when I think about it and I no longer feel like I’m on the brink of a fucking heart attack every time the phone rings.
In other words I’m getting over it and – as others have commented here – THAT is the true efficacy of NC. You need to heal and move on.
Hi Zen !
What about when the relationship was good, no bad behavior, or cheating ? When the dumper fell like they want to be alone, not sure of his feelings. What are the mindset of the girl in this situation ?
This article describes the woman as a dumper well, provided she initiates the breakup and is the sole partner wanting out. I’m a woman and currently in no contact. However, I feel the need to say, I’m still not 100% sure who broke up with whom. It could be interpreted in a way that he ended it but then he left it open ended, I was so fed up with his behaviour that I put the nail in the coffin. I am the one who cut ties for no contact, yet I think about him much, much more than 1% of the time. I’m not angry or annoyed, just sad. I wish he would reach out. But he hasn’t, and it’s a situation where I can’t reach out without being a doormat and I need to know he truly loves me like he said he did. I know we are both stubborn and proud people. So though I’m not here to give you “false hope”, if any of you guys reading this had a messy breakup where there could be multiple interpretations of who ended it, she may be waiting for you to reach out.
As for the guys who are discouraged by the time they are wasting for the other party to change her feelings and perception of you, I’d say give yourself the permission to move on with the knowledge that anything is possible… but if anything is to happen in the future with your ex, it will be better for you both if you have moved on! I’ve learned this from experience, and it creates a cleaner slate with more promise if it ever comes to fruition.
Thank you for your encouraging words, Carly!
I’m sure the readers will find it comforting.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Carly, it’s as if we are living through the same kind of breakup. Who broke up with who? Also can’t contact him because of doormat reasons.
Very bad things were said through both parties during the breakup and this is What ultimately cut the chord. at the end of the day I very much love him and I know he loves me so then why the big halabaloo? This is why my head goes in circles all day everyday since the break up of about 2 weeks ago.
I don’t reach out for the same reasons. Throughout the 3 years we have been together, breakup attempts occurred but never succeeded past a couple of days. I feel that if he is the one to contact me first with intentions of reconciliation , given the proper space to really deeply think about the relationship, then it will mean to me that its real and my suspicions are correct he truly does love me and our relationship will be better because of it.
Your words along with this website have been encouraging to me to continue on this indefinite no contact path even though it’s hard and sometimes want to break my phone Making it impossible to use in the name of no contact because I feel it is the only way to get a true answer.
I hesitated to get serious with a girl for 2 years, we were friends, sexfriends, then in a relationship, I left her without really understanding me totally about my decisions. I had a feeling of insecurity due to a previous break-up which was very difficult for me. We stayed in constant contact and had relationships for 3 years. I left him a second time… She finally left a month later, I showed her my love during those 3 years, I offered her cakes I made, a watch she told me she wore all her life, I didn’t give her enough, she left me in December, I did everything I could to get her back, she still loved me when I broke up, I even asked for her hand, I was ready to come to her place. I finally went to see a shrink who helped me understand where my concern about getting into a serious relationship came from, I finally managed to understand myself and solve this problem. Having done too much forbidding for 2 months I think it’s definitely over, today she insulted me as an asshole, she told me that there were lots of men. This article allowed me to understand something, she saw only the good sides of me (I really showed her my love despite the fact that we were not really together), now it’s the opposite. But will time allow her to see the good ones again? She saw all the efforts I made, but for her, it’s too late, she let me hope at the beginning by telling me that “everything is destined” “for the moment I want nothing”,… I’m in radio silence now, I’ve done too much, I’m her first love. During our story she said that she would never take revenge, that she would never give up, little by little I was able to trust her completely, I was really ready to marry her. In the end she did the opposite, she took revenge with stories. She said she didn’t want us to hate each other, but in the end, she’s the one who hates me.
Kdog, I just saw your reply… sorry you went through the same thing.Hugs!
Carly, maybe you should just drive over to his place and say hi.
Rule #1 is the the dumper reaches out because they took it unilaterally decided to end the relationship so the onus is on them to reach out.
Rule #2 men dumpees should NEVER reach out. Unlike the Disney movies she will lose whatever respect she’s got left for you and it will never work out if the woman doesn’t respect her man. A female who reaches out is sweet and caring. A man who reaches out is weak and a doormat. I’d rather be the man she thinks about for the rest of her life as someone who got away than a man she believes was a pathetic weak sap.
Read the whole internet understanding other people’s minds and figuring out what to do next. But this is just the course of action I needed! Can’t thank you enough!
I get this….now. I was initially of the mindset if we are going to break up we as a couple should try everything to address the core issues before calling it quits. We honestly didn’t sit down and try to hash through anything.
Problem with this theory, I’m under estimating the degree of her hurt in the relationship. We had deep communication and conflict management issues, she was a criticizer and I was a stonewaller, in between we both exhibited defensiveness and grew contempt. During the relationship I had no idea what th Gottman Four Horseman dynamic was, or how to stop it. She had zero desire to attempt anything and my mindset was in my heart of hearts wanted to try everything to get her to the table. If she didn’t or couldn’t try, that factored into my future peace and acceptance. We’re about 8 weeks out of a 3.5 year engaged relationship.
Zan – I’ve noticed my ex only contacts me for comfort in stressful moments (death in family, something bad happened to another family member) I stay in no contact but she always initiates. I am polite and give her support. She’s in the elation dumper stage partying and drinking. What’s her deal? Why me as her ex? I refuse to be friend-zoned which is why I keep my distance
And never initiate contact. -JD. thanks for your blogs!
Hi JD.
Your ex is relying on you for emotional support. You’re basically her most recent go-to person for stress.
So if you want my advice, keep her at a distance.
Don’t give her so much for so little in return.
Kind regards,
Zan
Love all your work Zan, Keep it up Mate. you are helping lots of people out there who are still trying to understand relationships.
Thank you, Ryan.
You have my gratitude.
I’m glad you find the blog insightful and that you’re eager to learn and improve as a person.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, what are your thoughts on a dumper who went in to a rebound relationship right after a long relationship, which only lasted for few months and then another relationship right after the rebound. it looks like some who is constantly Monkey branching from one relationship to another to receive relationship benefits.
would you be able to give me your opinion or make an article if its possible?
thankyou,
Ryan
Hi Ryan.
It looks to me as if your ex is looking for internal happiness in all the wrong places. Your dumper needed to work on internal conflicts instead of looking for validation and external empowerment in someone else.
Monkey-branching basically prevented your ex from growing as a person.
Best regards,
Zan
“Months or years down the line, your ex will probably forget about some of your shortcomings and might even think fondly of the memories she created with you.” Months,years ,that’s just too much time out of my life to waste on anyone. I also need to break my addiction to these sites which have given me false hope.Thanks
Hi Cuba.
Waiting for an ex that may or may not come back is indeed not worth it. You have way better things to think about.
As for your addiction, you need to get yourself back first.
And that’s exactly what this site is about. Not false hope.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks for the reply and the article, it jolted me back into reality ,I feel less sad now,a little angry and recovering.I cannot give my valuable time to someone who doesn’t care,I may have been more invested in the relationship than she and that angers me, but not to the point of contacting her.Time to move on and live life.Thanks again.
I totally agree. I’ve been at this entirely too long. I’ve watched months of my life just fly by…. I can only heal myself! Stay strong, stay productive.
Hi Cuba.
Focus on moving on and bettering your life. You are all that matters right now, so do what makes you happy!
You will soon enjoy life to its maximum again, so stay positive!
Zan
Cuba:
You made an interesting point in your post about ‘breaking your addiction to these sites.’ I’ve been thinking much the same lately. I had a long relationship end a few months ago, with my ex treating me like garbage in the process. I found this site at a time when I was wrestling with some negative emotions, and it was very encouraging and helpful. However, I return to the site often to read new blogs and posts, and I’ve been wondering if this is actually preventing me from moving on? Perhaps this is a sign that I’ve made the turn, so to speak, in my recovery from the relationship, but not sure about that. It’s an interesting question.
I think getting out of the break up sections of these blogs and looking on the self improvement sides or how to make your relationship work before problems start, are signs that you’re moving on from the sad break up sides of these very helpful blogs . I also believe as you get yourself and your self confidence back you will feel and look better to people you wish to attract, including your ex , if that’s what you want.
This makes sense in my head so please don’t take it as the gospel.