When your ex responds to your texts, it can feel very uplifting. It can make you feel like your ex still cares about you and that your ex might be open to rebuilding the relationship in the future. Responses from your ex (especially if they’re nice) not only make you feel validated but also hopeful. That’s why they give you a strong gut feeling your ex isn’t done with you yet and that with a little bit of luck and patience, you might be able to convince your ex to give you another chance.
Before you get too excited, you need to know that your ex may not respond to your texts because he or she finds you valuable. Sometimes dumpers respond for completely different reasons. For example, some dumpers feel bad for hurting their ex, so they reply to their ex’s messages because they see their ex is hurting and know replying is the right thing to do.
Self-awareness, guilt, moral values, and an understanding of breakups are the main reasons dumpers respond to dumpees when they reach out. You need to know that so you don’t misinterpret your ex’s responses and think your ex still has feelings for you.
If your ex did have feelings for you, I assure you that the situation would be reversed. Your ex would be the one messaging you and you’d be replying to your ex’s messages. This is because your ex would be feeling lost, anxious, and miserable and would be in a rush to get back with you. Not being with you would drive your ex crazy as your ex would need you to provide him or her with validation, care, love, and support.
I suppose a response from your ex is still better than no response. A response is a good sign when you compare it to your ex ignoring you or blocking you. But other than that, your ex’s response on its own doesn’t signify romantic or friendly interest.
It just shows that your ex wants to be a decent human being and that even though your ex feels suffocated and uncomfortable, he or she knows that you’re going through a more difficult situation than him/her and that you deserve a response.
Only people with strong victim mentalities, resentments, anger, contempt, and the inability to handle breakup emotions efficiently choose not to respond to their exes. Those people normally associate such toxic feelings with their ex-partners that they can’t stand hearing from their exes and being around their exes.
All they can do is ignore their exes’ texts and calls and treat their exes like they don’t matter. Putting themselves first even if they have to hurt their exes becomes a priority for them.
So all in all, if your ex responds to your texts, this is neither a good nor a bad sign. It’s just a sign that you haven’t been pushing your ex to return and/or that your ex isn’t so bitter that communicating with you from time to time is impossible.
Your ex can handle your reach-outs at this time—and that’s the most important thing you need to be aware of.
Today’s post is for those who wonder if it’s a good sign if your ex responds to your texts. We’ll discuss why responses from your ex don’t make much of a difference when it comes to getting back together with your ex and what can increase the chance of your ex wanting to speak with you and get back with you.
Is it a good sign if your ex responds to your texts?
When you reach out to your ex and your ex responds, the sad reality is that you aren’t any closer to getting back with your ex than you were before the reach-out. Sending your ex texts or even calling your ex doesn’t make your ex feel romantic feelings for you. Dumpees often think that it does because they’re hurt and confused, but, unfortunately, it does not effect your ex.
Your ex has made up his or her mind and won’t suddenly remember what a fool he or she was for dumping you and trying to live happily without you. That’s not how breakups work. Breakups occur because dumpers lose feelings and the energy to keep the relationship going. They completely detach and crave time away from their exes.
A few text exchanges don’t repair their exhausted mentality and remind them how great their relationship was. Usually, texts pressure them into responding and make them even less open to the idea of investing in their dumpees and the relationship.
This is why messaging your ex, offering to do favors, and begging with your ex for a second chance doesn’t work. It doesn’t tell your ex that he or she has made a mistake but that you’re not on the same page and that you’re not accepting the breakup and handling it confidently.
You’re rejecting your ex’s premeditated decision and therefore making it more difficult for your ex to feel understood and respected. When your ex doesn’t feel that you understand and care about him/her, your ex feels unheard and disappointed. He or she may respond to you, but not because responding helps your ex feel better.
Your ex could respond to your texts just because you’re going through a difficult time and knows it’s the morally right thing to do. So don’t look for hope in your ex’s responses. It’s the way your ex responds, the feelings your ex feels for you, and the plans your ex makes with you that matter.
These things determine whether it’s possible to reconnect, whereas the act of responding alone proves nothing. Anyone with self-respect and an understanding of what the dumpee is going through will respond. But he or she may not respond in ways that you want him or her to respond.
The man or woman will likely send a few texts back and then let the conversation fizzle out. That would imply that he or she wants to stay cordial and avoid conversations about feelings, relationships, and getting back together.
So if you’re feeling hopeful about your ex responding to your texts, know that responses without actions and some kind of proof that you’re heading in a good direction don’t mean much. They’re just something your ex does out of politeness, guilt, or sympathy for you.
With that being said, here’s what it means when your ex responds to your text messages.
When is it a good sign if your ex responds to your texts?
If you’re still looking for good signs, you first need to know what kind of signs to look for. We’ve mentioned that responses alone aren’t the most reliable signs as they’re not something your ex does of his or her own accord. Your ex merely responds to your texts after you’ve already taken the initiative and done all the hard work.
What you’re looking for from your ex are signs that your ex had been meaning to reach out but couldn’t or didn’t. You made it too easy for your ex to communicate with you and just needed to wait a while longer for your ex to muster up the courage and determination to get you back.
It shouldn’t be too hard to spot the good signs as an ex who feels something for you will:
- Invite you out. Even if he or she is the most passive and scared person on the planet, an ex who wants you back will show interest and try to restore the relationship to the way it was. You shouldn’t make the job easier for your ex because if your ex can’t be brave when it comes to being with you, he or she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone.
- Apologize for dumping you. Apologies show regret. And regret shows pain and a desire or need to reconnect. If an ex doesn’t apologize, he or she probably isn’t hurting much or enough. The man or woman is likely just experimenting with you and wants to know what a relationship with you would look and feel like.
- Show romantic interest in you. An ex who finds you worthy of being in a romantic relationship with him or her won’t just show interest in you. He or she will also try to spend a lot of time with you and try to feel good around you. You could see your ex profess love, tell you you’re beautiful/handsome, ask you if you’ve been thinking about getting back together, be transparent, and try to make you feel the same way about him or her. Pay attention to what your ex needs you for.
- Explain what he or she has been up to since the breakup. If your ex truly wants you back, your ex will have no problem describing the things he or she did without you. Telling you how the breakup unfolded could ease your worries and by doing so, give your ex a sense of trustworthiness he or she needs to impress you. Speaking of impressing you, your ex would also try to get on your good side. Gaining your trust back and receiving a positive response would give your ex hope that getting back with you is possible.
- Reveal reasons for coming back and lessons he or she has learned. Honesty is important. That’s why an ex who comes back for the right reasons will reveal why he or she left you, why he or she wants you back, and what he or she has learned in your absence. The man or woman wouldn’t hide things and risk being interpreted in the wrong way. Too much would be on the line, hence why he or she would want to prove things to you. The biggest thing a regretful ex would try to prove is that he or she has learned a lot from the breakup and the old person who left you is gone.
- Give you your power back: This is probably one of the most important signs you’re looking for. You need your ex to give you power back for many reasons. The most important one is so your ex can learn to respect you and listen to you. He or she needs to let you take control of the reconciliation so that your ex can feel your importance and fear losing you. Without a fear of loss, your ex would likely leave again. He or she just wouldn’t feel the desire or need to stick around.
If your ex doesn’t do any of these things soon after receiving your texts, your ex most likely doesn’t see you the way he or she needs to see you. Your ex hasn’t developed feelings (desires for emotional reciprocating), so it’s probably safe to say your ex wants things to stay the way they are.
The best thing you can do when your ex doesn’t give you any good signs to work with is to stop reaching out to your ex. You can’t make your ex fall in love with you if your ex hasn’t processed the breakup and isn’t ready to fall in love.
To fall in love, your ex needs to reflect on the relationship and realize that dumping you was a big mistake. And the only way your ex can come to that conclusion is if you stop reaching out, retain your worth, exude confidence, and let him or her get hurt and come to you.
You need to understand that very few dumpers come back because dumpees keep texting them. Those who do return, usually do so because they date someone else for a while and fail miserably. That’s when they remember the ex they dumped and use their ex as a backup plan – as someone who can patch their wounds and give them love and support.
So if your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend responds to your texts, don’t immediately assume your ex is on the way back to you. Exes who come back almost always do so quickly and decisively. They don’t talk to their exes about unimportant things, appear hot and cold, and string them along for ages. There would be no need for any of these things if they were certain about being with their exes.
Your ex should be reaching out first
As a dumpee, you shouldn’t keep reaching out to your ex and waiting for him or her to respond in the right kind of way. Even if you cheated on your ex and hurt your ex badly, you mustn’t keep persisting and annoying your ex with text messages.
Now that the relationship is over, there’s nothing else to talk to your ex about. You need to focus on healing and letting your ex be free. Once your ex has gotten enough space and thinks it’s safe to communicate with you, your ex will put in more effort.
That’s what people who care about you do. They don’t just let you reach out, invite them out, apologize, and force you to do all the work for them. They don’t deserve that kind of treatment no matter what you did. So leave them alone.
Pestering them will only make things worse as it will give your ex all of your remaining power and allow your ex to talk to you as a friend or an ex-partner. And as far as I can tell, that’s not what you want. You want your ex to acknowledge your worth and be with you.
You want your ex to realize what he or she lost rather than reply to your texts out of courtesy or pity.
So if you want to see where your ex stands with you, start by stopping all communication with your ex. You’ll soon discover whether your ex likes you as a person and wants to be your friend or just responds because you’re an ex he or she should be nice to.
What do you think? Is it a good sign if your ex responds to your texts? Publish your thoughts in the comments section below.
And if you’re looking for some advice and want to talk with us about your breakup, learn how to sign up for breakup coaching here.
Hi! What if I’m the dumper? I believe my ex of 10 years (who may be a Dismissive Avoidant) is responding to my texts after 2.5 months of perfect NC, which I asked him to comply with when I ended the relationship due to his lack of communication and manner of just walking away when I want to speak to him about an issue. I’d had a decade of trying to be understanding… He lives an hour away from me, and I ended NC on New Year’s Day to wish him a happy 2024. I felt like I was over him by that point or at least certain of my decision.
After that, he reached out to me 10 days later to say, very cold and formal, that he was taking my car off his professional car insurance plan… He sighed it “best regards”… I thanked him for the heads up and asked how he was. He responded that he had been ill (he has always reported back to me as “I was ill” whenever we have had a longish argument), and I enquired politely about his health, to which he gave me a bit of a summary as to his symptoms and so forth and asked me how I was. I told him then to take care of himself and that I wanted us to be friends at some point, but he did not address that at all. He just said he would get my things together for eventual pickup as I had asked him to and that we would be in touch.
During the past month, I have reached out to him (always me) very sparingly, every 10 days or so, to share news on things that were of interest to both of us, matters pending and so forth. I have asked for his advice on these matters, and he has always answered back very thoroughly, with two or three longish texts. At first he took over a day to respond, but now he seems to do it faster. The other day, he responded to me almost immediately. I informed him of something awesome that had happened to my brother, and he responded with a “Tell him congratulations! That’s awesome! The sky’s the limit!”
Saturday was his birthday, and I wished him a happy one, and he responded, of course. Thanks and the waving blond emo girl, who resembles me (is that weird?) There has been no mention at all as to what happened between us. I am just taking it slow, seeing what happens, still trying to clarify my own feelings. I know that I miss him very much. Two of my friends said they wouldn’t mind dating him, and I felt that green-eyed monster… oh, boy… That made me realize that I am not over him yet… I would like to at least talk to him but even with my secure attachment style, I would be crushed by his informing me that he has moved on.
Hi Kim.
It’s possible that he had detached prior to the breakup. If you don’t want him back, you shouldn’t reach out to him. You should let him heal and get over him as well. If you want him back and think he can change, then you need to tell him that. You can’t expect him to do the work after you left him.
Also, your friends don’t know him the way you do. They only see his good side.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello again….
I met a man online and it was love at first sight. We love the same way… It was a whirlwind and I was to be with him within a month. He was divorced 6 months prior. Wife divorced him, but she was the one that had the affair with his daughter’s teacher. He moved out and ex would rarely let him see his 14 year old daughter which the ex had when they were breaking up 14 years ago. She really bamboozled this guy. She is also 12 years younger than him.
Anyway he said to me repeatedly, that I would never have to worry about him. He would never leave us….etc. etc.
New Year’s Day, the ex came to him and wanted him to move back home. She had the daughter crying on the phone with him all throughout our time together. The ex knew he was in love and wanted to stop us.
He went back and is telling me not to text. Because she us checking out his phone…and his dating account online. He is trying to make it work out with her but he says she just won’t trust him…She is making like he is the bad guy and he isn’t. She bamboozled him and bamboozles him.
He responds to my texts but doesn’t block me…he also says I am married (husband has dementia) which was not a problem for him at all before…
He says even if they don’t work out, he won’t date anyone…He would have to move out and he doesn’t want that…
I texted him and told him I would be in town on a certain day for two weeks….He said “have fun”.
I want him back. He doesn’t love this woman. He just wants to hold his family together. What would be the best way to get him back…?
ccccc
Hi there.
Whether he loves her or not, he decided to move back in with her. You shouldn’t do anything while he’s trying to keep his family together. You should not text him and wait for his relationship to end. When he does, he’ll either contact you or move on to someone else. You have to remember that he’s made his decision and that you shouldn’t oppose it. If you do, he’ll feel pressured and respond badly.
Kind regards,
Zan
Ugh
Ehhh. A bit too absolute about the over sentiment of this article. Whilst there are some true and valid points (common sense) obviously it depends on the person (dumper) themself. And sometimes it DOES take a little “push” for them to come back and try to rekindle. Especially if the dumper has adhd, for example, and/or a lot of confusion about how to handle the situation. They actually need help. Not always, but the point I’m trying to make is that all the articles I read here are 99% “the dumper needs to make the move” and this notion can ruin the dumpees chances at making things right (in the most respectful ways). Not all situations are so black and white
Hi Lee.
The dumper needs to make the first move for several reasons. The biggest one being power. If you put yourself in a position of weakness, there’s a big change the dumper will not self-improve and take you for granted again.
Sincerely,
Zan
We were together for 5 months, and at the end he started acting differently. I thought it might be him stressing about his job change. I asked him constantly if he was ok and he eventually told me he was feeling unsure about our relationship and wanted some time alone. A week went by with just texting but it wasn’t the same, but still saying love you and good nights. In that week he changed his profile picture that was of us to a blank profile. I decided that I couldn’t do this anymore and went to see him to break up. He still couldn’t tell me the reason why he was unsure, just that he feels he has to be single at the moment. He suffers a lot from depression and anxiety. Before I left he wanted a hug which lasted a while and reached out to flip my necklace. When I got home he changed his profile back to us. These mixed messages are really confusing. We still follow each other on socials, and he still likes my families posts. I still love him but don’t know how he is feeling. So it has been 3 weeks of no contact, I wanted to give him his space. Last night I texted him to ask him how he is going with his new job. I wasn’t expecting a reply, but he did. It was a good back and forth between us but nothing came up about our relationship. And I was too scared too. Even though I was the one who broke up with him, he was the one that was feeling unsure.
I found my ex on a dating site. As I paid a subscription, I saw they liked me first. They didn’t respond in the app. But I reached out over WhatsApp. I asked if it was accidental. He said “no, I was happy to see you there” then made a comment about my face being different. Longer they said. I asked for clarification. Ex said ” I’m happy because your happy” and still disputed my face being different. I understand ex’s can say things they don’t mean, and be cordial etc. But I don’t understand swiping right etc. In terms of kindness, would it not be better to say it’s accidental? And why ask another question? I realise I was still the one to reach out not them. And I realise people don’t like to hurt others. But our breakup was painful. Extremely painful for me. And if I was in the other situation I’d say it was accidental to prevent false hope. Am I bitter? What is kindness with honesty? Do I need to change?
Hi Leanne.
Your ex felt relieved when he saw you were doing fine. He must have felt guilty. The reason he swiped right was that he didn’t resent you. He was okay with you seeing him on the app. There was no reason for him to lie about it. You probably shouldn’t have reached out because of this, though. It’s always better to stay in no contact.
Best,
Zan
My longtime girlfriend and I are currently keeping distance from each other after an arguement. We’ve lived together for the bulk of our relationship. When she said she wanted to leave I at first didn’t want her to, but ended up telling her to go. I had hoped she would return the next day as she had in the past but she didn’t. We’ve been texting and most everything seems cordial. We still tell each other I love you and I miss you but she’s not up to talking on the phone or meeting up. It seems hopeful but I’m still having trouble dealing with my day to day. We haven’t been away from each other for this long since before we moved in together. And our dog visibly misses her. Whether or not she will come back I have no idea, but even if she does I don’t know how to handle it in the meantime.
Hi Sam.
If she comes back in a week or so, that’s good. But if not, you should probably cut contact and focus on yourself. You can’t wait for her.
Hang in there!
Zan
Thank you Zan! I had told her before I saw this that I will not be contacting her. This is not to say that she is cut off but I am leaving it up to her if she wants to talk. Only time will tell what will happen.
That’s how it should be, Sam.
She needs to realize your worth and put in the effort. In the meantime, work on yourself and get over her.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex used to take with me after the breakup but also he wants things to stay the way they were.
So with your help Zan I wanted to see when my ex standing for me, and I started to stop all communication with him. And I saw why he was replying.
Such a great article as always ❤️
Hi Linda.
Dumpers sometimes want to stay friends and assuage their guilt. Communicating with them most of the time isn’t worth it.
Best,
Zan
I was in a relationship with my ex for almost three years, during that time she broke up three times with the most recent being in January this year. The first break up happened when I was on vacation in San Francisco from Sydney. She had gone to LA to visit cousins with her sister. Her cousins still believed she was married to her ex as her mother could not accept the divorce. We met in SF but she broke up after a minor car accident in her cousins car. I was driving and she did not want cousins to find out or pay and money. Ultimately she was directed her anger at me.
We got back together around 4 months later. Moved in together but there were issues with our kids (hers is 8, mine is 9). She had trouble accepting my son and picked on little things he did. I would react and there would be arguments. One day she announced she was moving out, no chance to talk or work it out. I found a new apartment.
I told her that we shouldn’t talk anymore and told her that I agreed with her that she was difficult to live with and the reason I had not met her mother was more than just cultural as she had claimed. A day later she texted me and asked if she could text me sometimes to see how I am. Ultimately we got back together but under her terms that the kids are no longer part of or aware of the relationship. She wanted a more ‘chilled’ committed relationship. I agreed thinking that the issues could be worked on and the kids would be involved again. A few months later I raised the issue, she said she wanted to wait until the kids finish primary (grade school). I felt like breaking up but stayed. Three months later it became she wants to wait until the kids finish High School in 10 years, then we will move in together again. She said I shouldn’t bring it up anymore if we were going to be happy.
In January of this year we went on holiday. I raised the issue again and said I wanted a real relationship. She cried and asked if I was breaking up with her. I tried to talk to her but she didn’t answer. We left the hotel as it was the last day. She announced she wanted a break. When we got home we exchanged a few texts. She texted me that she realised she had been bitter, angry, jealous and insecure in the relationship and wanted to work on herself for us and her family and friends.
A few days later she texted that she wanted to break up and was sorry she was doing it by text. I tried to call her but she wouldn’t answer. I have texted her but only received cold responses, that it is her life now. She now reads and ignores my texts, the last one was sent a month ago now. I have since gone no contact. I believe she has now blocked me.
Hi wandering detective.
I think you gave your relationship plenty of chances to evolve. But unfortunately, you and your ex weren’t able to work together and make the relationship stronger, so it fell apart every time you tried. If you get back together again, your relationship will most likely experience the same issues. It may not be worth the trouble. Think about it.
Zan
My ex and I in a Ldr are seperated for over 3 months now. We’ve been living together for the last few months and all his things are in my apartment. After a difficult conversation because I was feing uncomfortable in the relationship and him trying to solve it he admitted he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore and I then asked him to pick up his things. We recently were in no contact for almost 1 month as I asked him for time to myself. Last week we had our first video call and talked for hours. It felt so nice, but also awkward, as nobody hit the topic of the break up. He hasn’t met anyone else and asked a lot of questions, he was surprised ajd so glad I was doing well. When I ask for help he almost does it immediately. He always keeps ending conversations saying he wants to update me on this and that.. But not anymore initiate conversations. Whenever I ask about organising getting his things back I feel he avoids the topic or doesn’t get back to me with a plan (he’s waiting for an operation). This is weird and I feel stuck with his stuff. I do have strong feelings for him, but don’t understand what’s going on and rather feel free than feeling stuck. This article is really helpful. I still don’t get to his behavior.
Hi Susan.
He wants to be friends because by talking with you, he gets to alleviate guilt. What you must do is stop having these conversations. They may feel nice, but they’re giving you hope and confusing you. All this person wants is to be friends, hence why he’s avoiding serious topics.
Stay in no contact and you’ll pull through this!
Zan