I Can’t Get Over My Ex After 5 Years

Most dumpees need about 8 months to get over the breakup. That’s how long it takes them to accept the breakup, rebuild their self-esteem, and let go of their ex. But if the breakup is complicated (let’s say the dumpee was codependent or had mental issues), then the healing time can double or even triple.

It depends on what the dumpee’s coping mechanism is like, what the dumpee does to heal, and how the dumper treats the dumpee. If the dumper strings the dumpee along, gives him or her lots of false hope, or deliberately makes the dumpee feel insignificant, that can seriously affect the dumpee’s self-worth and cause him or her to obsess over the dumper.

It can make the dumpee analyze everything the dumper says and does and forces the dumpee to stay emotionally dependent on the dumper for many years.

Lots of things can hinder the dumpee’s detachment process after the breakup. But the most significant thing of all is the dumpee’s mental health. How the dumpee feels and perceives himself or herself determines whether the dumpee focuses inward or outward.

If the dumpee focuses inward (on himself), he puts extra attention on the things that distract him and make him happy. But if he focuses outward (on external happiness), he relies on his ex for validation and well-being and stays hooked on the dumper for a very long time.

And when he stays hooked, he oftentimes also often makes breakup mistakes such as begging and pleading, messaging the dumper, and trying to show the things he’s realized and improved after the breakup.

Such things hinder healing and growth and make the dumpee more attached to the dumper.

So if you can’t get over your ex after 5 years, the very first thing you should do is figure out if you’re engaging in behavior that hurts you and makes you obsessed with your ex. Are you talking to your ex, stalking your ex and his/her new partner online, or meeting up and sleeping with your ex?

If you are, it needs to stop. Engaging with your ex when you’re not over your ex is forcing you to think about your ex and preventing you from letting go. It’s constantly giving you anxiety and making it difficult for you to focus on yourself.

If you aren’t doing anything you shouldn’t be, then you need to figure out what is holding you back from moving on. We’ll help you figure that out in today’s article.

I can’t get over my ex after 5 years

Before we continue, we must clarify what it means to be over an ex-partner. People who are over their ex can handle seeing their ex with someone else and getting married. They’re okay with not getting back with their ex and being with someone else.

But they’re not necessarily okay with speaking with their ex. Dumpees often get so hurt by their ex that they become afraid of their ex. They fear interacting with their ex because they’re consciously or subconsciously afraid of experiencing the kind of pain they went through because of their ex.

That’s why simply hearing from their ex or running into their ex (even when they’re over their ex) can make them anxious and cause them to analyze their ex’s behavior. That doesn’t, however, mean that they’re not over their ex. It just means that they remember the pain their ex has caused them and that they’d rather not get involved with their ex again and risk getting hurt.

If this is the kind of predicament you’re dealing with years later (especially when your ex interacts with you), know that you have a different kind of problem. You’ve developed an ex-fear and now need to convince yourself that your ex can’t and won’t hurt you anymore and that you’re stronger now.

But if you have romantic feelings for your ex, then you must first figure out what’s making you so attached to your ex.

• Do you still see your ex as the most important person?
• Does your ex interact with you and string you along?
• What about pictures, gifts, and reminders of your ex? Do you keep them?
• Have you tried dating other people? Did it go badly?
• What are your social life and relationships with people like? Do you feel fulfilled and valued?
• What about your mental health? Are you depressed and unhappy with the way life is going for you?

Normally, dumpees who can’t get over their ex after a few years are either doing something wrong in regards to their ex or have mental issues or problems in their life that need addressing. Their lack of personal happiness is the culprit that makes them nostalgic and drives them to seek happiness from their ex.

If you still love your ex after 5 years, you’ve probably convinced yourself that your ex is the only thing that’s missing in your life and that you need your ex or you’ll never be happy. But that’s not it. Something else is missing or shouldn’t be there, so you should try to find out what that is.

When you do, you’ll see that your love for your ex is nothing but a desire for self-love. You’re looking for your ex to help you deal with whatever it is that you’re dealing with or lacking rather than doing your best to find happiness within yourself.

I know this is a straightforward statement, but you can’t be happy with your ex and make your ex happy if you’re not happy yourself. You can’t make anyone happy for that matter, not even yourself because the moment your new relationship gets old, your issues will resurface.

So make sure to take this seriously. If you’re depressed, unhappy, stressed, or anything you shouldn’t be, focus on dealing with those problems rather than concealing them by getting involved with your ex or other people. Others may help you feel better for a while, but they aren’t you, which means they can’t solve your problems for you.

Here’s why you might be struggling to get over your ex after 5 years.

How to get over your ex after 5 years?

If it’s been 5 years since the breakup and you can’t get over your ex, whatever you’re doing is clearly not working. You have to get out of your comfort zone and change things up a bit. You probably keep telling yourself things like, “My ex was the best I ever had, I can’t live without my ex, I can’t get over my ex, I miss my ex.”

Such thoughts are fortifying your beliefs and making it harder for you to forgive yourself and open up to the idea of other people being better suited for you than your ex. They’re making you think that there really isn’t a better person for you out there and that you’ll never find happiness again.

But don’t let your intrusive thoughts get to you. These thoughts exist because you give them fuel to exist. Something’s not going the way you want it to, so you’re becoming nostalgic and making the past look and feel better than it was.

If you want to get over your ex, you’ll have to resist sentimentality and take your ex off the pedestal. You’ll have to meet some other people and see that you can have successful relationships with many people. Once you understand that your ex is not the only person you can be happy with and build something with, you’ll be able to forget about your ex very quickly and form deep emotional bonds with other like-minded people.

But until then, you’re likely going to keep thinking of your ex as someone who could take all your problems away and give you the kind of love only your ex could give.

So if you can’t get over your ex after 5 years and you want my advice, expand your social circle and get to know some new people. Don’t date yet, but do see what other people are like and acknowledge that they can be just as good if not better than your ex.

The reason why you’re thinking about your ex so much is that you’ve given your ex more importance than he or she deserves. Over the last 5 years, you’ve continuously told yourself that your ex is the one and only person for you and that you’ll never find a better match.

This mentality has been anchored deep within your brain and will take a bit of self-awareness and willpower to change.

And the best way you can practice self-awareness is to start journaling. Whenever you miss your ex and think your ex is the best person in the world for you, write down why you feel that way. What has your ex done over the past 5 years to deserve your loyalty, emotions, and time?

Once you discover that your ex doesn’t deserve your commitment anymore, proceed by writing down your ex’s negative traits. Think back to when you were with your ex and put down everything you didn’t like about your ex. That will give you written proof that your ex is just a human being with flaws and that you have better things and people to think about.

So if you’ve been trying to get over your ex for 5 years and you haven’t had much luck thus far, focus on your ex’s bad traits rather than the good ones. Take your rose-colored glasses off so that you can see things more realistically – for what they are and stop craving your ex’s love and validation.

If you’ve tried dating people and it didn’t go the way you wanted it to go, don’t immediately assume that your ex was your ideal partner because things went more smoothly with him or her. Instead, identify your reasons for craving your ex and begin working on them at once.

You don’t have to stay hooked on your ex for 20 years. Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t see your romantic value.

What if I can’t get over my ex no matter how hard I try?

If you gave journaling, socializing, and improving your mental health a shot for a few months and you haven’t noticed any improvements, then you only have two options left. Medication and therapy.

I suggest you give the latter a try first unless you’re also suffering from depression or other mental health issues that require urgent attention. Therapy will not only help you get things off your chest but also encourage you to understand why you think and feel the way you do and what you can do to break your patterns; the patterns that make it hard for you to detach from your ex and fall back in love with yourself.

Bear in mind that everyone can get over their ex. But to get over the dumper, people need to take the breakup seriously and do the opposite of what their gut feeling tells them to do.

If they’re anxious and their gut tells them to chase after their ex, that obviously isn’t the right thing to do because it makes their obsession worse. They need to be aware of the consequences of listening to their gut feeling and gather enough strength to resist their temptations.

Only then can they break their unhealthy thinking and behavioral patterns and move on from their ex.

But if you can’t get over your ex after many years of trying, do consult a mental health specialist. He or she could help you get the help you need.

Has it been years and you can’t get over your ex? Did you try everything mentioned in this post? Let us know what you’ve tried and if you have any tips for readers who are going through a difficult breakup.

And lastly, if you’d like to talk to us about your ex, sign up for our coaching services.