If you want to know how to make an avoidant miss you, the only way to do it is to play by your ex’s rules. Instead of using jealousy tricks and manipulation techniques that would hurt your ex, do what your avoidant ex is asking you to do.
Give him or her space, freedom, time to think, and the impression that he or she is no longer a priority.
That’s what your ex badly needs to be happy after the breakup, so give your avoidant ex as much of these things as possible. Be really generous and give your ex more than he or she needs. Provide so much space and time that your ex will enjoy the freedom and appreciate your absence.
The reason why you need to leave your avoidant ex alone is so that your ex:
- gets what he/she asked for
- respects you for listening to his or her needs
- processes breakup emotions
- sees things more rationally
- and views you as the person you were rather than the person he or she made you out to be
This is something that could take time, but fortunately, time is on your hands. The more time goes by, the more your avoidant ex will process his need for space and the quicker he will reach the neutral stage of a breakup.
When that happens, your avoidant ex will neither miss you nor crave space from you. He or she will just revert to his or her usual self and carry on with life.
This is how your ex will become more susceptible to stressors that could cause your avoidant ex to think about you and miss you. But for your ex to actually miss you, your ex will first have to undergo something that will allow or rather force your ex to self-reflect.
Something that will hurt your ex or break his or her ego. Most of the time, another breakup or a loss of something important does the job.
So if you’re looking for ways on how to make an avoidant ex miss you, the first thing you need to know is that your ex can’t miss you if you talk to your ex and annoy him or her. Pestering your ex with texts and calls will most likely achieve the opposite as it will smother your ex and make your ex feel even less attracted to you.
It might even cause resentments.
That’s why the only way your avoidant ex can miss you is if you listen to what your ex is saying and craving and do what’s expected of you. Only then will your ex be given a chance to think fondly of you and miss you when the time is right.
How to make an avoidant ex miss you?
Making an avoidant miss you isn’t about forcing your ex to miss you. It’s about respecting your ex’s wants and needs, respecting yourself, and most importantly, being consistent at these things.
If you respect your ex today and flood him with messages tomorrow, you can’t expect your ex to miss you the day after tomorrow. An avoidant just can’t miss your presence. He or she can only miss your absence, which is why it’s so important that you know what your ex wants and expects from you.
The key to making an avoidant ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend miss you, therefore, isn’t to annoy your ex every day and hope that your ex changes his or her mind about you. The key is to intently listen to your ex’s wants and needs and understand both rationally and emotionally why your ex needs space.
When you understand your ex and know what he or she wants, you can then finally start giving your ex the two most important things your ex needs from you.
Space and time.
It sucks that not talking to your ex will make your ex feel happy and in control of his or her life, but that’s the whole point of the breakup. Your ex associated certain emotions with you and ran away from you to protect himself or herself from investing in you and reaching your expectations.
It’s why your ex broke up with you and started avoiding you like the plague.
So let your ex self-prioritize and feel safe after the breakup. Let him or her enjoy the relief created by the breakup while you try to figure out what went wrong and what to do with your time.
Some dumpees stay away from their exes out of self-respect and others by reminding themselves that contacting their ex will make their ex feel trapped.
Both methods work. Just make sure not to reach out to your ex ahead of time or you’ll make it impossible for your ex to miss you. You’ll suffocate, anger, or guilt-trip your ex and give your ex the opposite of what he or she needs to reminisce about the breakup and miss you.
Staying in touch with an avoidant ex who badly needs time to himself or herself will make it harder for your ex to remember the good times and want to get back with you. So don’t do it. Don’t break no contact with the intention to get what you want.
I know you’re anxious, but your ex isn’t waiting for you to reach out. If regular dumpers don’t want to hear from an ex they broke up with, neither do avoidant dumpers. Avoidants tend to require even more space and understanding.
So if you don’t know what will complicate things for your avoidant ex, here are a few examples:
- Apologizing
- Demanding answers and closure
- Playing jealousy games
- Taking revenge on your ex
- Talking to your ex’s friends about your ex
- Posting excessively on social media
- Sending your ex gifts
- Pretending to be happy when you’re not
- Or seeking attention and looking weak and miserable
Your ex just won’t respect you unless you respect yourself. So follow the rules of no contact religiously and stay mindful of the consequences of reaching out to someone you’re emotionally dependent on. Bear in mind that contacting your ex on your terms will interrupt your ex’s need for space as well as your healing process.
It will give your remaining power to your ex, push your ex away, and set you back big time.
That’s why it’s better (safer) to wait for your ex to be ready to speak to you. You’ll be able to tell your ex is ready when your ex tells you or shows you that he or she is ready to have a friendly conversation. That’s when you can share some updates on your life and ask some over-the-surface questions.
Questions like:
- How have you been?
- How’s work?
- Do you still play football?
- What’s new at work?
- How’s your dad?
And don’t ask things like:
- Do you think about me at all?
- Do you love me?
- Why was it so easy for you to leave?
- Do you want to get back together?
- Are you dating anyone?
5 ways to make an avoidant miss you
Now that you know what not to do to make an avoidant miss you, let’s talk about what you must do.
Firstly, you must cease your support. You must stop helping your ex emotionally, physically, financially, and informationally. You must do that so your ex can stop relying on you and understand that there are things your ex lost with the breakup.
Your ex basically needs to see that life isn’t going to be the same without you and that he or she has taken some things for granted.
Secondly, your ex needs to see that you’re gone for good. You may be able to achieve that by stopping all communication and minding your own business. At first, your ex will appreciate your absence and enjoy his or her alone time, but as time goes by, your ex could see things from a different perspective.
Your ex could process the suffocation and see what the breakup means for him or her.
Thirdly, work on yourself and share your improvements with others. Your ex may have been the one who had trouble staying connected with you, but that doesn’t mean that your ex is the only one who has to grow. Due to different emotional needs and perceptions, you probably smothered your ex at times and made him or her crave space.
That’s why you should reflect and learn why the breakup occurred and what you can do to prevent it from happening again in the future.
Once you’ve done that, you should also learn more about relationships. Learn how to communicate and express yourself better and share your wisdom with your mutual friends and family. This may not necessarily impress your ex when your ex is happy that you’re out of his or her life, but it will make your ex remember it and play with your ex’s mind if your ex also reflects and sees that he or she was also responsible for the breakup.
You can also post your achievements and discoveries on social media. Just don’t get carried away and post like crazy. Immoderate posting will come across as bragging—and will likely annoy your ex, resulting in blocking you.
Fourthly, have fun and live with purpose. Sobbing and hoping that your ex comes back is not going to make your ex come back. It will just show that you’re stuck in the past and that you lack the strength to move forward with your life.
Remember that positivity, confidence, and independence attract people. Anything contrary to that only repulses.
Fifthly, give it time! Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will your ex overcome the most challenging emotions known to man. It likely won’t happen while you’re desperately hoping for your ex to reach out and validate you. It will probably happen when you get out of denial and let go of your expectations of your ex.
That’s when your ex will also make some emotional progress and think and feel a bit different about you.
I can’t say how your ex will feel months or years from now, but if your ex is mature and knows how to handle difficult breakup emotions, your ex could miss some of the good times you had and wish he or she could relive them.
This really depends on your ex’s ability to handle unwanted emotions and the willpower to disassociate unhealthy emotions from your persona.
What makes an avoidant miss you?
What makes breakups so hard is that dumpees want to control them. They want to do something/anything that makes their ex miss them even though there’s nothing they can do to control their ex’s feelings. Just to make things clear, they lack control over their ex’s positive feelings.
They can very easily infuriate their ex and make their ex feel smothered or guilty.
So if you want to know how to make an avoidant miss you, bear in mind that there’s nothing you can say or do directly that will make your ex miss you. You can only take the indirect, passive approach that will encourage your ex to explore life and miss you indirectly.
Now, what do I mean by that?
I mean that you can “make” your dumper ex miss you through experience and self-discovery. You can show your ex the doors and let him or her see if the grass is greener on the other side.
If your ex despises you a lot and/or gets involved with someone similar to you quality-wise, your ex likely won’t compare you to his or her new partner and miss you. Your ex will probably feel the same way about his or her new partner and just carry on.
But if your ex fails miserably with the next person he or she dates or fails at something important to him or her, you can be almost certain that your ex will miss you and reach out. Your ex will remember that you used to be there for him or her and become nostalgic about the times when things seemed to work.
That said, the best way to make an avoidant miss you is to give your ex as much time as your ex needs. It could take months or even years. No one knows how long it will take your ex to get in trouble and start craving the things he or she used to take for granted.
So be prepared to give your ex as long as it takes. Your avoidant ex is a human with emotions too. But for him or her to miss you, your ex must first go through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper and encounter issues. Only then can your ex discern your worth and feel nostalgic about the good times.
Some of the things that could cause your avoidant ex to desire the past more than the present/future are when your ex:
- gets in a rebound relationship and fails
- gets rejected by someone he/she likes
- faces emotional difficulties
- experiences financial issues
- loses a friend/family member
- feels lost
Now you know that you can’t directly make an avoidant ex miss you. But you can nonetheless start no contact and wait for your ex to encounter issues that are out of his or her control to fix. Such issues could make your ex think about you and consequently, force him or her to miss you and want you back.
That means that avoidants are really not much different from ordinary people. They just need to learn that they had issues staying in love because they didn’t take the time to understand themselves and grow before they attached negativity to you.
If your avoidant ex misses you and comes back, this is the first thing he or she needs to learn and improve. Without an understanding of his or her emotional processes, the breakup would likely ensue again.
Here are a few things you need to remember if you’re still wondering how to make an avoidant miss you.
Do avoidants miss their ex?
Avoidants definitely miss their ex and wonder what their ex is up to. Just like ordinary people, they eventually process their smothering emotions and become neutral about their ex.
The question you should be asking yourself instead is “Is my ex capable of growing as a person and disassociating negativity from me?” This is much more important than your ex’s attachment style because in the end, it will be your ex’s maturity and perception of you that will determine whether your ex thinks fondly of you and remembers the good times.
So forget about your ex’s avoidant attachment style, the things your ex said before, during, and after the breakup, and what your ex is doing now.
All that matters is what your ex’s mentality is like, how much your ex respects you, and what problems your ex runs into. Your ex’s attachment style is something you’ll have to worry about later if your ex comes back to you. But for now, all you need to know is that your ex thinks about you from time to time and appreciates the space the breakup provides for him.
Did you learn how to make an avoidant ex miss you after the breakup? Did I leave something out? Let me know by commenting below.
Alternatively, if you’re looking for 1-on-1 guidance with your breakup, visit the Magnet of Success coaching page to learn more.
Hi, my avoidant ex finished with 3 months ago after a 3.3 year relationship but didn’t go NC till a month ago as loads of push/pull and dipping in and out on her part. My question is I have a 5 yr old don who she’s been in his life since he can remember they had such a loving relationship and he really misses her to the point he’s upset. She wanted to remain in his life but I said no at the time as I was obviously hurting and said she couldn’t have her cake and eat it. I obviously didn’t think he’d be so upset and miss her. Should I reach out to offer her contact with him? I don’t want to seem manipulative or guilt tripping but I want my son to be happy. I still want her back but he’s pain outweighs mine. She’s done some very odd things the past few weeks like posting event tickets through my door which were for all of us to do something together , sent a text to say thank you and she was short with me so ended the convo, then following week she hand delivered a DVD through my door, sent a thank you text but didn’t reply! So not sure where she’s at so worried the reach out offer will be seen wrongly. Advice please
Hi Will.
You need to think about your and your son’s happiness, not just your son’s. I know it’s hard for your son and that he misses her, but if he gets used to seeing your ex, he might have trouble accepting/connecting with your future partners. I know this is a difficult situation for everyone, but perhaps you can also talk to your son about it. Kids are smart and understand what’s going on. When they understand why the person they got attached to isn’t around anymore, they may accept it and not get much separation anxiety.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Zan,
My name is John. I was in a 4-1/2 year relationship and we lived together for almost 2 of those years. Both of us have been divorced twice and had one failed long term relationship prior to this one. On my end, I allowed my anger issues to come to the surface which created many problems and abusive behavior. On her end…there are communication issues avoiding fixing problems and trouble with alcohol and money. Things finally came to a head back in March and it was ugly. She has moved out and got an apartment back in April and there was still communication. We both agreed that we Loved each other very much and we would attend couples counseling promising to work things out. That all suddenly changed on Easter Sunday after a phone call when an argument occurred. I have since learned (a long story) that she began flirting with another guy on Facebook just before Easter…and it looks like they are together; just five weeks after the breakup! She began ghosting me after I confronted her with the knowledge that I learned about this other guy. Since then I reached out to her several times by apologizing for my abhorrent angry and manipulative behavior and taking full responsibility for my “chosen” actions. I had also contacted her to inform her that I am meeting weekly with a therapist and working with Ananias Foundation as part of my healing and re-building process and that I was still committed to doing the hard work to fix me.
I had stopped all contact as of June 6 until this morning when I sent her the following text: “Hey! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’d love to clear the air between us or…just chat. Are you up for connecting sometime? By the way…You are good enough!”
Needless to say…no reply yet.
I am sure you realize this is an extremely condensed version of the story as it is also my version. I do believe that there are always three sides to every story…mine, hers and somewhere in the middle is the truth.
There is one more thing…when she moved out she had a considerable amount of decorations, boxes of her belongings stored in my attic. I suggested that instead of spending money on a much larger storage space, as long as we are on the same page to move forward to work things out and attend couples therapy she could leave her things here. In return, she would keep me on her medical insurance (as my secondary coverage, I am on Medicare) sort of a Quid Pro Quo…we both agreed. So now we had both gone not contacting each other until my text this morning. I …believe it or not…still want this to work out. Again, please keep in mind that this is really a short version of this dilemma. I am 68 and she will be 61 in September.
Hi John.
Your ex most likely cheated on you and left you to be with this guy. Things were new and exciting, so she decided to give a seemingly less problematic relationship a try. You shouldn’t communicate with her anymore. Stay away from her so she can see if they work well together.
There’s nothing you can do to stop her from dating this guy, so pull away from them and focus on yourself. Work on your anger management and figure out if she’s even worth waiting for.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan…thanks for the sobering advice. I allowed my anxiety to get the best of me when I broke no contact…big mistake. Lesson learned. Sometimes…I feel that the Quid Pro Quo agreement that I mentioned is holding me back and giving me false hope. John
I’ve recently moved out from the house I shared with my ex and our infant son, but I’m continuing to support financially for rent and childcare. How far should ceasing the financial support go?
Hi Alex.
Pay child support and talk with your ex about her renting plans. If you moved in together and have a lease, you should probably pay until the end of the contract.
Best,
Zan
If a breakup was so messy (example: highly emotional arguments/disrespect of dumpers need for space) is it possible that the dumper feels unsafe months later to make contact even if she wants to?
The relationship otherwise was a very positive one but had a rocky ending. Also do lines from the dumper like “I wish you the best in life” mean that it’s a done deal. Don’t talk to me again…there is no future with us type thing or is it a way to leave the conversation and relationship without more conflict?
She, The dumper had zero regard for the dumpees feelings and invalidated everything he got angry/upset about even if true. Thanks
Hi Axel.
The dumper doesn’t feel unsafe, but bitter/resentful. Those are completely different things. Wishing the dumpee the best doesn’t mean much. It just means she wanted to end things politely and quickly.
Best,
Zan
Hello Zan
Thank you for your article. I broke up with my fearful avoidant 12 weeks ago after four years of a wonderful relationship. He just had about every trait of the typical fearful avoidant. Always trying to get to.. I am so in love with me, but told me how he loved me. ( he would zip right up after he told me he loved me) Mixed messages.. Needing Space, No emotion and the list goes on. He has deactivated me big time. I had one quick phone call where he told me he cared deeply for me, but was not in love with me and He absolutely had to find someone to fall in love with . ON the next text from me.. he told me he has found a woman to fall in love with me and thanked me for helping me learn to love again… Needless to say, I could not believe he
would send this to me, other than hurting me and masking his pain. I was in no contact for 8 weeks before my call and the text was last week. I did not respond and just sit and wonder about his desperate rebound. I should point out that two marriages failed and the woman both dumped him.
Hi Lee.
You’ll be much happier without this person in your life. It will take you some time to realize that, but when you do, you’ll look back and wonder what you even saw in him. Just focus on yourself and keep in mind that the breakup happened because of his inability to give you what you needed to feel valued and fulfilled.
So go no contact and get yourself back. You’ll see things differently when you’ve detached.
Kind regards,
Zan
my avoidant ex reached out after 5 months of NC. Just to shoot the breeze about a game on TV out of the blue. he’s texted me one more time the following week but still just to small talk again. I responded casually and kept it short. Neither of us asked how we were doing or anything personal. No idea what any of this means. But when they say NC works on an avoidant, it sure does. It’s worked on two of my exes. My only question is, what is his intent with these breadcrumbs? I guess one other question is, maybe I should stop dating avoidants?
They are just shooting their shot and see if they still feed on your neediness to increase their self worth subconsciously.
Hi June.
Your ex probably just wanted to know if you’ll respond. He’s been curious about you, but not enough to engage in conversation.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan. He started texting more frequently for a week and then it got a bit explicit. When I asked him what this was and if he wanted to get together, he said he wasn’t in a good place to offer more because he had too much on his plate with a work crisis. When I asked why he was texting me he said he was obviously still attracted. Should I tell him to stop contacting me? I still have feelings for him and don’t want to close the door but I also don’t want anything other than a reconciliation. At the same time, I’m keeping my options open and dating other people… I don’t want him thinking I’m just waiting around for him. How best to handle?
Hi June.
You should indeed tell him to stop contacting you. Put an end to his breadcrumbing and protect your heart from false hope. Always remember that if he wants you back that he’ll express the desire to reconnect. He won’t just message you once in a blue moon and say he still cares about you. Dumpers who wan their ex back take the initiative.
Kind regards,
Zan
I ‘m doing right about posting positivity and no contact. I’m sure he will see my worth after awhile. I will give what he needs, space and time and no expectation.
Hi Jade.
I know you want your ex’s recognition, but try to post things for yourself as well. If he doesn’t discern your worth and come back, you have to create a life without him.
Best,
Zan
“If your ex despises you a lot and/or gets involved with someone similar to you quality-wise, your ex likely won’t compare you to his or her new partner and miss you. Your ex will probably feel the same way about his or her new partner and just carry on.” i think this is what’s happening in my case..she doesn’t talk to me for reasons best known to her and i have respected that by not reaching out again… It’s even boring thinking about her… I hardly do that this days! When my life is unfolding to me…
Hi lb.
You no longer obsess about your ex because you’ve developed your own strength. You don’t need her as much as you used to.
As for her not talking to you, it’s best that she doesn’t unless she wants you back. Friendship with her would reopen your wounds and give you false hope.
Kind regards,
Zan
You didn’t left anything out!!! As always best healthy articles and help :))
you told me that my ex just won’t respect me unless you respect yourself!!
So follow the rules of no contact religiously ❤️
Hi Linda.
Respect is earned, not given. So respect yourself always and forever. Treat yourself well and others will as well.
Best regards,
Zan
Yes I wasted valuable time waiting for my ex. I learned that I was better off doing more productive activity with my life. Great article!
What matters is that you healed, Gary.
Now you can do whatever you want with your time. Your ex no longer controls your thoughts.
Great job on getting this far!
Zan
Excellent article Zan , speaks to the core of what I am experiencing these days .
Thanks for reading, DP!
I hope it helps.
Zan
When enough time has passed, you will quickly start to feel really stupid for having wasted 1 second of your life contemplating taking back an ex that is clearly not worthy. Let that shit go and move on to something better. Lord knows it’s out there! 🕺🏻
That’s true, DK!
When enough time has passed, you will indeed feel stupid for thinking about your ex. But, unfortunately, separation anxiety makes it impossible for us not to think about our ex. We have to go through stages of grief first and redevelop self-esteem. Only then can we let go of an ex and focus on ourselves.
Kind regards,
Zan
Greatly appreciate this article AND that you make it clear that any possible rethinking or returning could take YEARS. Maturity scale comes into play. Glad to not need anyone but me.
Hi Ricki.
It sometimes takes people years to discover their ex-partner’s true worth. That’s why it’s best to move on and find your own strength. It’s indeed best to rely on yourself.
Best regards,
Zan
Does this article apply to Narcissists who ghost also or only neurotypicals?
Hi Billy.
It applies to everyone, including narcissists.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I split up from my DA ex in May after 2.5 years together. Our relationship was good, no arguments, shared interests and values. We could both be our strange selves around each other.
After 1 year together I suffered immensely mentally due to outside factors and was diagnosed/treated with PTSD. During this time I was totally zoned out for about 3-4 months and he was my absolute rock, but by the time I started to come back round, he had deactivated and never came back out his shell.
When we split he told me half of him wanted to stay and make things work but half of him wanted to be alone on top of a mountain. We had three weeks with full no contact, then he reached out and we went for food as we work together and now have to see each other every working day. I’ve spent a couple days seeing him since and it was nice and easy but confused me.
He knows he has emotional availability issues and has since started his own therapy. I have become anxious since the relationship uncertainties with him and am also in therapy. While we were together I didn’t know about AT and thought he was just depressed so tried to help him hoe I thought best. In hindsight I think this will have been completely smothering to him instead of just giving him space
I told him approx 1 month ago that I see potential in a better relationship since we have both recognised our flaws and where things went wrong. He told me he doesn’t want to be with anyone at the moment and can’t tell me what he’ll want in a year, but I’m important to him and he cherishes our relationship, and talking about plans we can make in the future. I saw him once since then and he had totally deactivated again, withdrawing completely and it was obvious he didn’t want to be there.
At work he is back to making micro conversations about menial things. I don’t know how to proceed as I want to remain consistent and no contact feels manipulative to me since I’ve already been transparent about my feelings and he is important to me. I text him once every few weeks something lighthearted like a funny video and joke with him at work. I do not pursue or pressure him in any way.
How am I best to proceed? I don’t want to end up friendzoning myself and end up in the firing line for more pain (it’s been immense as he was literally my best friend). I really don’t know what to do for the best.
Any advice would be so appreciated,
Thank you,
Melissa
Hi Melissa.
I’m glad you’re feeling better now. One thing you should keep in mind is that you can’t help a person who doesn’t want to be helped. If you try, it’s going to have a negative effect on his life. As you said, it’s going to smother him and make things more difficult. So stop talking about feelings and relationship expectations. You should minimize the time you spend talking to him so he can breathe and relax again. It’s his turn to heal and figure out if he wants you back.
Basically, do no contact, which means that you can talk to him only about work-related subjects.
Kind regards,
Zan