Fearful avoidants are complicated people as they’re afraid of getting too close to romantic partners and afraid of being too distant. They like to be in just the right spot – in the Goldilocks Zone in which they can remain in control of the pace of the relationship and take necessary action if things progress or regress.
Every fearful-avoidant is different in terms of wants, needs, feelings, and behavior. Some like more space and others more affection. But one thing all fearful avoidants have in common is that they all want to feel secure and in control and tend to react strongly (emotionally) when their needs aren’t being met or when they’re “overmet.”
By reacting strongly, they express that they aren’t happy with their partner’s level of interest and that they want to be treated the way they’re used to being treated.
If you got dumped by your ex and are now wondering how to get a fearful-avoidant back, the most important thing you need to understand is that you won’t get this person back solely with zeal and determination. You won’t be able to attract your ex by reaching out and telling him you miss him. If you let your emotions speak for you, you’ll only trigger your ex’s avoidant needs and scare him away.
And that’s when your ex will say or do something to hurt you.
Your best chance of reattracting an avoidant is through his other attachment style – the fearful one. He’s much more likely to realize he’s lost a great person if he becomes afraid of distancing himself from you and living without you. That’s because the fear of loss could force him to run back to you and make him feel safe again.
So instead of sending your ex letters and pestering him like he’s the last person on the planet, give your ex space. Remember that the avoidant part of him has made him run away and that he won’t like it if you force yourself in his space-deprived life and try to trigger his old feelings for you.
I can tell you right now that there will be no triggering of old feelings as long as he’s unprepared and unwilling to change the way he thinks and feels about you. It will happen later ON ITS OWN when the guy or woman has dealt with avoidant issues and realized that he or she is afraid of losing you forever. That’s when your fearful-avoidant ex will temporarily forget about his avoidant tendencies and act on the fearful ones.
Your ex will call you, text you, and do the things remorseful dumpers do. He will do whatever it takes to restore the relationship to how it was because that’s the only way your ex will feel safe and validated. Your ex will have to worry about his or her avoidant needs later (after he or she has dealt with fears and obtained love).
But when your ex is remorseful, your ex will only want your affection because fear of detachment, abandonment, and thoughts of being forgotten cause a painful feeling. It makes fearful-avoidant dumpers come running because it hurts them emotionally and triggers their childhood fears.
Speaking of childhood fears, we should mention that most fearful-avoidant attachment styles are developed in a person’s early childhood. A child usually doesn’t get proper love and affection and is left alone to tend to his or her needs. This results in the child growing up with a murky understanding of love, which makes it difficult for him or her to accept and reciprocate love in adolescent life and later.
Fearful avoidant styles are common in families where parents are distant, uncaring, unloving, abusive, and emotionally unexpressive. Oftentimes, parents are in unhealthy relationships, addicted to harmful substances, or have anger or other unresolved issues that subconsciously inculcate their attachment styles into their children.
The title of this post is how to get a fearful-avoidant back. Thanks for reading.
How to get a fearful-avoidant back?
To get a fearful-avoidant back, you must understand how fearful avoidants function at the core. Understanding their attachment style is key as misunderstanding them will result in failure even if you get back with them. It will make them feel overwhelmed or conversely, neglected if you give them too much space.
Fearful avoidants can be very confusing as they have moments when they act “normal” and moments when they act distant. They want a relationship they can feel comfortable in, but at the same time, a relationship in which they aren’t too needed and prioritized. And that’s what makes them so difficult to understand.
On one hand, they crave the same things from a relationship that people with secure attachments do. But on the other, they want their own space and privacy to live comfortably without any pressure put on them.
If you want your fearful-avoidant to come back, you have to keep in mind that reuniting with a fearful-avoidant could take time and lots of self-control. You will need to let your ex go (to provide freedom) and prove that you don’t emotionally depend on your ex for well-being.
That’s the only way you’ll ease your ex’s need for space and increase his or her desire to bond.
Of course, your ex won’t realize your worth and return to you just by not speaking with you for a while. That’s unlikely as your ex will remain fixed on his or her decision to leave. For your fearful-avoidant ex to come back, your ex will have to go through the same stages dumpers go through and discern that you were a good partner to him or her.
The only thing that makes your ex stand out from other types of dumpers that come back is that your ex is fearful and a bit more likely to get affected by a fear of loss and detachment. Your ex has unresolved childhood fears that imply your ex is likely more susceptible to stress and anxiety and capable of reflecting when things take a turn for the worse.
This means that getting a fearful-avoidant back is a big waiting game. It’s a test of will that forces you to give your fearful-avoidant ex what he wants and pushes your separation anxiety, fears, and self-control to the limits.
Reuniting with an ex whose attachment style is different from yours requires your ex to discern that you are not as different as he or she had thought. It demands that the dumper acknowledges your emotional needs are aligned and that you can work together if you both put your back into it.
Dumpers (anxious, avoidant, or secure ones) can see they’d made a hasty decision and regret leaving their dumpee. But for them to regret it, they need a reason to regret it – a strong emotional incentive. And that incentive is 99% of the time created by a need to bond rather than just a want.
In other words, the dumper has to be forced to learn that he’s not perfect (that he has things to work on) and that the relationship made him or her happy.
As I mentioned before, it can take the dumper a long time before he or she reaches this conclusion. We’re talking about months or years of time. Only the most fearful or insecure dumpers come running back soon after the breakup. Most dumpers, unfortunately, need to learn the hard way that they aren’t as desirable as they thought they were.
So if you want to know how to get your fearful-avoidant ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back, bear in mind that there is no such thing as getting an ex back. There is only the dumper getting you back because that’s the only way he or she will see your worth, improve his or her fearful-avoidant thoughts and behaviors, and make things right.
My advice is to get thoughts like, “I need to do something to get my fearful-avoidant ex back” out of your head. That’s your anxiety speaking, telling you to act on emotions (fears) that will trap your ex and make him or her feel more of that which he/she doesn’t want.
More resistance.
It’s difficult to give your avoidant ex what he needs when emotions run high. But you need to do it because as long as your ex needs space and thinks you’re incompatible, your ex is emotionally incapable of redeveloping feelings for you and will get more and more irritated by you. Your ex will keep getting frustrated and could eventually stop responding to you and wound you.
That’s why there’s only one way to proceed with a fearful-avoidant ex-partner. And that way is to move forward and never look back. It’s what your ex wants and needs to feel respected and in control. You must let your ex feel that way so he can go through the detachment process. When he does, he’ll become capable of realizing that he took you for granted and gave up thanks to his poor mentality caused by unpleasant childhood experiences.
That being said, here are 6 things to do to get your fearful-avoidant ex back or in other words, 6 ways to maximize your chances of him or her realizing your worth and coming back on his or her own.
Making a fearful-avoidant miss you isn’t easy, but luckily, there’s something you can do to increase the chances of that happening. You can start the indefinite no contact rule which essentially means cutting your ex off and refusing to call him or her or her when anxiety kicks in.
If I said no contact is really hard, I’d be sugarcoating it. No contact is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your life as you’ll feel agonizing pain and an overwhelming desire to communicate with your ex. But that’s exactly why no contact has the highest chance of success. It could make your ex see you’re handling the breakup well and that you don’t need any help.
That could then make your avoidant ex curious about you and ignite nostalgia. So make sure to distance yourself from your ex so your ex can process the breakup naturally at his/her own pace and think about you when the time is right.
Fearful avoidant during no contact
Doing no contact with a fearful-avoidant isn’t much different than no contact with a regular ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. The truth is, it’s exactly the same as an ex who doesn’t want to be with you needs time to himself/herself and doesn’t deserve relationship benefits without commitment.
The man or woman deserves only the gift of missing you. That’s what he or she asked for with the breakup and needs to receive it no matter how badly you miss your ex and want to be with him or her. If your ex senses that you miss and need him more than he needs you, you can forget about reattracting your fearful-avoidant ex during no contact. You won’t be successful at it because your ex will feel your desperation and get close to people whose loyalty he has to work for and earn.
Exes (especially avoidants) respect and desire only those who want them as much or less than them. Anyone who wants them more repulses them. Avoidants or fearful-avoidants brand such people as incompatible as they can’t connect with them or stay connected on the same emotional level.
They feel that they don’t understand them and that they must find someone who does.
So if you’re eager to learn how to get a fearful-avoidant back during no contact, don’t become aggressive and start reattracting your ex by messaging your ex, talking to your ex’s friends and family, or bragging on social media about your new life. Your ex won’t take the bait because your ex won’t be ready to take the bait.
The only time your ex will be ready to change his/her opinion of you and feel something for you is when your ex spends some time away from you and discerns that losing you was a mistake.
That’s when your ex will show you or tell you (probably both) that life without you isn’t the same as before and that he or she would like you back at least to some degree (as a friend or more). Yes, you could easily get friend-zoned by your ex because that’s what exes who miss friendship with an ex do.
They throw friendship at their ex’s face so they don’t lose their ex completely.
But if that happens, you have to say you’re not ready for friendship and that you need more time to focus on your wants and needs.
So whatever you do, don’t settle for friendship and let your fearful-avoidant ex be avoidant again. Instead of letting your ex be in charge, stand up for yourself, get your lost power back, and keep moving forward with your life. If your ex comes back, it will be when your ex sees that you have what it takes to take care of yourself and enjoy your life without your ex in it.
A fearful ex could become fearful of losing you. You need to hold on until that happens or until you’ve moved on. Either way, you’ll soon get what you need to be happy and stop wondering how to get a fearful-avoidant back.
Hang in there!
Do you agree with what you should do to get a fearful-avoidant ex back? Do you have any suggestions or concerns to share with us? Let us know below the post.
And also, if you’re looking for individual advice regarding your fearful-avoidant ex, get in touch with us by subscribing to our coaching services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Is it harder to get a FA back if you dump them? I broke up with my ex FA BF of 9 years (stonewalling) and did NC for a couple of months… Then I found out about Attachment Theory and felt terrible for not being more understanding.
Lately, I have initiated contact sporadically for concrete and non-personal reasons. He has replied at length each time but never initiates.
Then I called him, two weeks ago, and he was really nice. In many ways, it could have been any phone call between us… talking about family and friends. I broached the subject of the stonewalling toward the end of the call, but he said he did not want to talk about the breakup. I said that, if at some point in the future, he wanted to explain things from his perspective, that it would be helpful for me to learn and grow as a person… He said, okay, let’s talk later… but he never called…
I texted a week later to share good news and let him see that I was not upset because he did not call. He answered right away with congratulations. Now I am back to NC. In the past he would chase me after an argument… I never saw the Avoidant… I want him to have all the space he needs and, to be honest, I am exhausted.
Hi Perry.
If you want your ex back, you should talk to him. Tell him you regret leaving and that you understand where you went wrong. If he wants you back, he’ll take you back. But if he doesn’t, he’ll reject you and leave you with no choice but to go no contact. Bear in mind that no contact is for dumpees, not dumpers. Dumpers need to take the initiative and show interest in working things out.
Best regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me abruptly 2 weeks ago. A month prior we had an argument that went on and off for about 3 weeks, but we were able to mutually come to solution to the issue. After that everything was fine for weeks. He showered me with love and affection for weeks, even on the morning of the breakup. Then one random night, he drove to my place with only a handful of my things that I had at his house (I has a lot more at his house, he only bought a couple items), and broke up with me in the parking lot. His excuse was the last argument went on for a few weeks and it made him tense and that he can’t meet my needs (the argument was about emotional validation). I was completely blindsided because we solved the problem. I even saw the solution that we mutually came up with being implemented on his end, I thought we were having a breakthrough. I told him this and also that the argument that we had was the work that goes into a relationship and he didn’t say anything. I didnt argue with him and accepted his choice and left. While he was driving away he had tears coming down his face.
It all felt so impulsive. As if it wasn’t calculated, just an impulsive decision. Especially since he only bought a handful of the items I had at his house. The next day I sent a long list of all of the items I had left at his house and he dropped it off at the front desk of my apartment. I had a few more items I was missing so I text him another list the next day. The day after that, I reached out to him asking if we could have a closure conversation. In the text I reassured him that my intentions were not to change his mind for make him guilty, I just wanted understanding for my personal growth. I also reassured him that I love him, that he still mattered, and that I forgave him for hurting me in the way that he did. He responded that night that saying he would like to give me answers, but he is still processing. I let him know that I understood and that I will give him the space that he needs. I also let him know that the ball is in his court and that he should reach out he is ready. No response and we havent talked e. It’s been 1 week.
This all has been so confusing to me. The morning of the break up we were cuddling and laughing. Everything was going fine and then boom he breaks up with me that night. I just keep replaying him driving away with tears rolling down his face. I keep questioning did he really mean to do what he did? Were those tears of regret? Was this all impulsive? Was the love he showed me the weeks leading up to the breakup a lie? Also he was transparent about processing, does that mean if he is thinking over if his decision was the right or not? What are the chances of us getting back together?
I’m just really confused and heartbroken. We’ve had our arguments, but we had a truly beautiful relationship.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. How do you think this will all play out for me?
Hi Syd.
He had tears in his eyes becauase he felt bad for hurting you. The morning before the breakup, he was still trying to make things work. But deep inside, he had a lot of doubts and other difficult, relationship-breaking emotions. He hid them from you until he couldn’t anymore.
He’s not thinking about the decision. Processing means that he feels relieved and can’t think about the relationship. This isn’t an argument where he just needs a couple of hours of space. It’s a breakup, something he needs to stay away from.
For now, implement no contact so you can stop asking him questions he doesn’t want to answer. Don’t give him more power.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks a ton for your response Zan. Do you think he will ever come around? I mean based on the tears when he broke up with me and his response a couple of days later saying he’d like to provide answers, but was processing, do you think he will come back around and at least provide answers? Do you think he will ever regret his decision? I have been standing firm on no contact, but a part of me is wondering if I will ever hear from him again. Do you think he would ever consider reconciling the relationship?
Also wanted to add – in the relationship he was very vocal about our future. We were both on the same page on our timeline and what we wanted. We in no rush to do anything.
We aligned on all except like 1 core value. There was also a time he broke down crying when he dropped me off at the airport to go visit my family by myself because he was going to miss me. His family also loved me, his nieces and nephews were attached to me by the hip. He was always attentive to my needs. Always cooked for me. Only thing that was missing was emotional depth, but it felt like he was working on it and I saw improvements.
I just want to know if he will be gone from my life for good or if he will be back again sometime down the road? It’s so confusing on where these relationship ending emotions or doubts came from. We had arguments, but we always eventually came to an agreement. I can say that the last few months we argued a little more frequently, but I just don’t get how that can define 3 years. Everything was great.
Lastly, Do you think I messed up by sending letting him know that I still loved him and that when he is ready to talk to reach out? This was sent 3 days after the breakup and we haven’t talked since. He still follows me on social media and everything – although him and I really post.
Hi Syd.
Tears don’t say much. They show he didn’t like the situation he forced on you. He might provide answers, yes, but they’ll just be closure. You might not need them by the time he’s ready. It’s too early to tell if he’ll change his mind. For now, try to keep your hopes low.
You probably shouldn’t have told him you loved him because it overwhelmed him. But that won’t stop him from coming back. If he regrets leaving, he’ll contact you when he’s ready. At the moment, he’s going through the breakup stages and doesn’t want to come back. You must give him the space he needs and forget about him for a while. When you do, your chances of reconciliation will be the highest they can be.
Best regards,
Zan
Following up on this – I broke no contact yesterday to follow up on text I sent an almost an month ago about obtaining some sentimental items of mine that he still has since he never responded to my original message. I said:
“Following up on this – these are very sentimental to me and it’s important that I get both of these back. Will you be dropping them off at the front desk or mailing?
Sorry, not trying to be a nuisance or anything. I just need my things back.”
He responded with coldness “there are no plans to keep your items, when I can drop them off, I will”
I responded “ Okay, thanks a ton I really appreciate it. Was just checking in as a reminder since you never responded and it’s been almost a month. Definitely didn’t think you were trying to keep my things. I just figured you were out of town. I’m sorry if that bothered you, that wasn’t my intentions”
Did I just ruin my chances of possible reconciliation? My intentions of breaking NC was solely to get my things. Of course I’d like to reconcile in the future or at the bare minimum closure, but did I just ruin that but following up on the status of my items?
Hi Syd.
You didn’t ruin your chances because you didn’t reach out for unimportant reasons, but he does not seem to be ready to talk yet. He’s still cold and unreceptive. Hopefully, he understand you didn’t reach out for him and that he should be mature and give you your stuff back. From now on, avoid reaching out. Try to ask your or his friends for help.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi – would appreciate your thoughts.
Ex and I together 8 years and engaged for the last 3 (wedding cancelled due to COVID). Middle of 2022 he ended it saying he’s lost love for me, needs to sort himself out etc etc. A few weeks later he was in a relationship with his co-worker.
3 months later he ended his rebound/monkey-branch and asked me to try again. We talked about what had changed, what would need to be done and taking it slow. I said yes.
2 days later he said he didn’t trust me and that he believes in second chances but not now. I then found out he spent the following 2 months trying to get the rebound back. She refused.
Our house was sold and we had some really emotional meetings. Always ending with me doing the dumb thing of showing interest and him saying never say never.
It is now 1.5 years since the break up, 1 year since the ‘try again, then not’ and we still haven’t sorted the legal part of the separation and money. It all sits in a joint bank account we aren’t touching.
I have seen him a few times in the last 2 months to sort our things and he has been hot and cold with sharing information about his life, always stressing he has no friends and does nothing. He unloads his family dramas with me and I have been careful to show support by not problem solving or asking directly. Just responding.
However the last time I met him I found out he was spending time with an old boss who he used to despise and say the worst things about. Someone he was embarrassed to be associated with. I got upset and asked why the boss gets a million chances but not me. No reply.
He’s now overseas with his family for Christmas and deciding if he should move back there. His family liked me when we were together but he has lied to them about me since. Like he has lied about me to his only friend (who never got to meet me).
I feel I am at the end of my rope and just want to send him a message to say something like – I have been showing you that I am safe and on your side, happy to take things slow and be open and honest. But it hurts too much to see you give everyone else a chance but me when I am the one that has kept your secrets and supported you for years. I have apologised for the things I have done wrong in this process and have learned a lot about myself moving forward. You know where I am if you want to learn and move forward together.
Bad idea? I feel like his family are going to influence him a lot when at home.
Hi L.
It’s a bad idea because the guy already knows you’re ready to be together. Your preparedness kills his sense of urgency. Of course, you’re not solely responsible. The guy hasn’t done any reflecting and growing. He doesn’t see the value in being with you, which means your only option is to cut him off. You need to put yourself first so you an find someone who appreciates you fully.
You’d been with him for 8 years, but that doesn’t mean the relationship must continue. I think it needed to end so he could learn to value people and you to value yourself. You deserve better!
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan. I’m in my 50s and had been with what I now believe to be a fearful aviloidant relationship for 2 years. We were very connected but then a few months ago lots of external pressure on her created a lot of stress within her.
She is dismissive of people has few real friends and yet is a loving generous woman whom I love very much. Her childhood had distant parents and later in life had a bad marriage.
I was blindsided and she dumped me 2 weeks ago. I pleaded then went into NC. I have a birthday soon. What should I do do if she wishes me happy birthday. It’s her birthday2 weeks later I had planned NC .
Are these the best course of action. How do I win her back even accepting her traits. I want to support her but perhaps I’m pushing her away.
If NC ends in 8 weeks should I then suggest that she reviews the FA traits and ask herself to consider recognizing them and then deciding if we can do this together.
She said she didn’t love me but wanted me as a friend but I told her I can’t be friends.
Thank you for your time in responding. I really love this woman. I’m concerned she will move on permanently if I stay NC and either way I am here for her and wouldn’t ever let her down.
Hi Chris.
If she wishes you happy birthday, respond politely but concisely. Don’t invite her over or talk about anything else. She might use it as an excuse to communicate and assuage guilt, so don’t get your hopes up. Just talk normally and go back to NC. You win her back by giving her the space she asked for.
If she wants you back in the future, you must demand that she works on herself. She can’t stay as she is or you’ll have another breakup and get hurt again. Also, no contact doesn’t end in 8 weeks. It ends when you’re ready for friendship or when she wants you back.
Sincerely,
Zan