If your ex dumped you or if he’s been stringing you along without committing to you, telling the guy not to contact you again is a courageous and wise thing to do. It’s the best way to defend yourself against your ex’s unwillingness to comply and cooperate as it shows you’re not going to play games with him.
You’re going to look after yourself and avoid guys who aren’t ready and keen to do what it takes to contribute to your life and be in a healthy romantic relationship.
And that’s good. Nothing will make you feel stronger and more respected than respecting yourself. That’s why you need to stay true to your word and not contact the guy either. You have to stay in no contact because if the guy doesn’t want to do the things you need him to do, he’s of no use to you.
He’s poison to your body and mind and an inconvenience to your healing and self-prioritization. The only way an ex can help you is if he offers to help right after the breakup. And that’s only if he dumped you brutally (possibly for someone else) and caused you immeasurable pain.
So if you told your ex no contact you again immediately after the breakup or some time after, don’t change your mind when your anger subsides. Eventually, it will subside—and when it does, you might start to wonder if you did the right thing.
That’s when you need to remember what had happened so you can strengthen your resolve and keep going.
Although you probably told your ex not to contact you again on impulse (out of anger or pain (possibly both)), remember that you weren’t getting what you wanted from your ex and that there’s no need to apologize for anything. You have the right to put yourself first and focus on the needs that weren’t being met.
And you have to continue focusing on those needs even months later when you no longer feel that your ex deserved to be pushed away. I’m not saying that apologizing is bad, but with exes, it can give them the wrong idea as they can interpret it as a green light to get back in contact with you and be friends.
If you tried being friends with any of your exes before, you probably already know how it feels to settle for less than you deserve. You know that it reopens your old wounds and feels like there’s a chance your ex will return to you.
Some time away from your ex can cloud your thoughts and feelings and give you hope. Hope that a relationship with an ex can work out and that he can be the man you want him to be (even if rationally, you know that’s never going to happen).
So if you told your ex not to contact you again, know that you did the right thing. You mustered up the courage to remove yourself from your ex’s life and rejected a post-breakup friendship that could unnecessarily string you along, hurt you, and waste your time.
All you need to do now is remain strong and stay on the path that you’re on.
Today’s blog post is for dumpees who cut their exes out of their lives after the breakup. We’ll discuss why dumpees who stop communicating with their dumpers recover the fastest, stop their exes from breadcrumbing them, and also increase the chances of their exes messaging or calling them for the right reasons.
I told him not to contact me again – Did I do the right thing?
If you told your ex-boyfriend not to contact you again, you definitely did the right thing. It’s not a moral issue as long as you didn’t dump your ex and deny him closure when he asked for it. That would have been a self-centered thing to do because your ex is still a human being who was and likely still is attached to you.
But assuming you’re the dumpee (the one who got dumped), you needn’t worry about ethics too much. As a dumpee, you’re the one who needs closure and healing and all the self-love in the world. Your ex had already received his when he was thinking about leaving you and fantasizing about spending time without you. That was when he detached from you and focused on his own wants and needs.
Now that you’re not speaking anymore, however, know that this doesn’t reduce the chances of getting back together in the future. It just reduces the chances of your ex stringing you along and pretending that friendship with an ex-girlfriend is a completely normal and healthy thing to do.
Dumpers who say it’s healthy don’t understand that dumpees are incapable of being friends after the breakup. To dumpees, friendship is a big downgrade from a romantic relationship and a slap in the face. It’s something they don’t want but often accept due to pain and shattered self-esteem.
They think it will somehow help them get their ex back and ease their anxiety when as a matter of fact, it just gives them bucketloads of false hope and slows down their healing. Not only that, but it also makes them watch their ex dating someone else and seeing their ex do things they aren’t emotionally ready (detached) for.
That’s why I have to commend you for telling your ex not to call you and text you again. You did what many if not most dumpees initially refuse to do. They’re so scared of cutting their ex off because they’re afraid their ex will think poorly of them and quickly move on. But what they don’t understand is that their ex had already fallen out of love and can’t fall out of love more.
He or she has given up on the relationship which means that something significant has to change his or her mentality and feelings. And that something won’t be friendship. It will be something unpredictable and painful.
Of course, I can’t guarantee that your ex will regret breaking up with you and come running back, but what I can do is assure you that telling your ex not to contact you again was smart and brave. It may feel wrong right now because you think you owe your ex kindness, but distancing yourself from your ex will accelerate your healing and make you into a strong person who respects herself and knows when she’s wanted.
Here are 5 simple reasons why telling a guy not to contact you is a good idea.
I told him not to contact me again, will he?
If you had to verbalize to your ex to leave you alone after the breakup, your ex needed to understand that you’re not interested in being friends. He needed to see that his presence is making you unhappy and that you’d rather not speak and pretend everything’s okay.
Things aren’t okay when an ex is stringing you along and delaying your recovery.
Needless to say, this doesn’t mean that you won’t ever speak again. But for now, the guy will probably leave you alone and let you focus on yourself. He’ll respect your wish to self-prioritize and watch what you do from afar – on social media. That’s how he’ll keep an eye on you and try to figure out why you don’t want him in your life anymore.
If you’re still hoping to get back with your ex, keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal to wonder if he’ll contact you again. You may have pushed him away by telling him not to contact you again, but you did that only because it was unfair of him to keep you emotionally hooked on him.
You wanted him to understand that the situation is very black or white. He either realizes your worth and mans up or he leaves you alone to detach and feel better. There’s no middle ground unless the breakup was amicable and you both lost feelings for each other months or years ago.
But that would mean that there are no hard feelings and separation anxiety and that you’re both emotionally ready to see each other dating other people.
As long as you’re asking yourself things like “Will he contact me again,” you’re obviously not over your ex yet. You’re still dealing with the obsession that the separation created and need to keep moving forward to find your own peace and stability.
That could take time, but if you handle the breakup well by avoiding breakup mistakes, you’ll get there as fast as your detachment process lets you. One thing you should keep in mind though is that analyzing the breakup is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it’s easing your separation pain, but on the other, it’s keeping your ex-obsession alive.
This means that while you’re obsessed with your ex, hearing from your ex is bad for you. Any contact with your ex will instantly spike up your anxiety, increase the number of your obsessive thoughts, and make you crave your ex again.
If you could choose, it’d be better for your ex to message you after you’ve healed. That way, he wouldn’t bring out your undesirable emotions and give you hope about getting back together.
So if you told your ex not to contact you again and you’re wondering if he ever will, know that it will probably take a while. I can’t say how long it will take, but if you told him to give you some space politely, he’ll probably reach out at some point in the future.
And when he does, he’ll probably do it when you feel better and know whether your ex is even worth befriending.
I told him not to contact me again but he did it anyway
When you tell a guy not to contact you but he does it anyway, the guy doesn’t understand or care that you need time to yourself. He’s oblivious to your post-breakup needs, hence why you have to make yourself clear. Say that you’re not ready to communicate and be friends and that you’ll let him know when or if you’re ready to do that.
This will reaffirm your commitment to no contact and prove that you’re not going to communicate with him just so HE gets what he wants.
No contact is about you—and you need to remember that. Write it down if you have to, just don’t break no contact because you feel sorry for your ex. There’s no need to pity your ex when you’re hurting. You just have to focus on healing and let your ex deal with his loneliness on his own.
My advice is to do two things. 1)state that you don’t want to stay in touch and 2)avoid making any promises. Don’t say things like, I’ll see how I feel a month from now or anything that could make your ex think you might be open to communicating later.
If you say things like that, your ex will take your words literally and think it’s okay to reach out at a later time. And that’s how you’ll find yourself in the same position you’re in right now and be forced to tell your ex to give you space (again).
I know it can be difficult to tell your ex not to reach out, but ex-couples have to be honest with each other. They have to say they don’t want to communicate until they (dumpees) have changed their mind about friendship. By avoiding saying words like, “for now, at the moment, until I get back from vacation,” they can avoid conveying the message that they still wish to communicate further down the line.
So if you told your ex not to contact you again but your ex did it anyway, don’t overthink it. Just repeat what you told your ex the first time and add, “I hope you see why it’s important that we don’t talk. Please don’t reach out anymore.”
That should be enough to keep your ex away. And if it’s not because your ex still doesn’t get it, then be a bit more stern. Reiterate what you said the last time and tell your ex to respect your decision. A guy with self-respect and understanding should leave you alone afterward. Only a person who takes it personally and gets his ego hurt will persist after that.
I know I told him not to contact me but I miss him
It’s perfectly normal to miss an ex you liked or loved. Not speaking with him can feel like a part of you is missing and make you think that life is never going to be the same again.
But before you give up on no contact, you need to understand that separations are seldom easy. Most of the time, they are extremely painful as they deprive you of happy hormones and force you to believe that you lost an amazing person.
The solution to your problem is to understand that you miss your ex because he’s hurt you and triggered your fears and not necessarily because he’s a great person.
He may be a decent guy, but that’s not the main cause of your pain and missing him. You didn’t miss the guy that much when he was still around. You started missing him really really badly when he rejected you and showed you he wasn’t interested in you.
That was when the true “missing” began.
So if you told your ex not to contact you anymore and miss him like crazy now that he’s gone, stay in no contact. Don’t reach out just because you’re hurting and feel that you’ll never find that kind of connection again. You definitely will find it. But not when you’re still missing the guy and hoping he’ll reach out to make the pain go away.
Did you tell your ex not to contact you again? How did that go for you? Let us know below the post.
And if you want to talk to us 1-on-1 about your ex reaching out to you, click here to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello Zan,
I just read the article and all of the comments below, and i couldn’t resist the urge to share my story. I just had the most difficult phone call in my life, where i told him… the one who dumped me to never contact me again because its hurting me.
We’ve been together year and a half… we were living in different countries at the time we decided to become a couple, but we knew eachother well because i used to live in the same country where he lives. So he invited me to go there, he told me he was in love with me … i risked it all i went… after a week he told me it was not going to work… I decided to stay and fight for the relationship because i was very inlove with him, found a job and an apartment by myself… he made me go through hell…. Exes… teeth problems… car problems…. I was crying every night alone in my apartment because everything was more important than me. … but i remained cool in front of him… i loved him so much… after 5 months he asked me to be his gf and we moved in together… it was beautiful and horrible… we had horrible fights.. Where he was always leaving me alone… and after every fight he was breaking up with me… it was the worst time of my life.. I was living in a hell.. I was so scared… what to say… what to do… I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells all the time.. I started to get super insecure… which led to more fights… but we somehow made it work… then we moved together into a house, a house we’ve been talking about for one year… after 2 weeks in the new house where we were supposed to be happy together… he broke up with me after I asked him for emotional support… because i had problems at work, within my family… i was all alone in a foreign country… and i needed him to support me… to protect me… to be there for me.. He got upset and dumped me… and i left….
Its 2 months today.. Since we’ve split… and i was sad and depressed… i tried to save the relationship I begged… i got through all the stages..… i still love him… but then i decided its time to move on and asked him, to not contact me because he is confusing me.. He didnt, actually he started messaging every day… and about things that he knows would get me emotional… today i called him and told him that i dont blame him for anything in out relationship, but i need him out of my life, i need to move on and if there’s still any presence of his in my life i cant, so i told him to not message me anymore. I really stood my ground and I know my words hurt him… but i feel so proud of myself. I am so happy I found the strength inside of me to actually be for the first time the one that leaves, the one that sets the rules… the one that controls the outcome.. Because im healing… and i realized my worth and how amazing I am, and how i never ever want to be into a situation like this again.
To all the girls and boys who’ve been in this position. Be brave! Do it! Heal…. And be proud of you! You deserve more! You deserve better… and IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT and NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to FIX someone…. Who actually enjoys being broken… leave… do yourself a favor and leave them alone… make yourself a priority! And NO! You didnt make a mistake, you did the right thing and youll realize it , when you find someone who is going to make you feel so safe and so understood…. That you’ll forget about everyone before them! Im still waiting for mine.. But i know he will come into my life when i will be ready for him.
Hi Simo.
I’m super proud of you for telling the guy to leave you alone. This relationship wasn’t good for you for so many reasons. When you regain your power (you’re regaining it slowly), you’ll realize that the guy did you a huge favor. He allowed you to get yourself back and see that you don’t need to rely on anyone for happiness. You just need a life outside of the relationship and decent self-esteem.
The last thing you should do is tell the guy (when he contacts you) that you’ll block him next time he messages you. When he reaches out, make sure to block and continue to self-prioritize. You’ll feel much better because you’ll finally feel in control of your life.
You’ve got this, Simo!
Stay strong!
Zan
Its been two years since he broke up with me. But he has always tried to be in contact with me no matter what. And i used to live it because somewhere i was always hoping for him to come back. But recently I’ve realized that he just wanted to keep me around as an option and he was never planning to commit. Therefore I decided to text him that he should inly talk to me when he really want to be in a serious relationship with me otherwise its better not to waste each others time. And I deserve the same efforts and love that I bring to the table. Not any lesser.
Thank you for your post. It really helped me to be sure of my decision. Its just been one day since I told my ex that. I hope to continue my healing without contacting him.
Hi Deepika Chandra.
Stay strong. Don’t let him guilt-trip you into being his friend. He would have come back by now if he wanted to commit and secure a spot in a relationship. He has to see that you’re not going to settle for friendship and stay hopeful because of him.
Sincerely,
Zan
So this guy whom I was seeing for 2-3 months left me stating we don’t vibe then he started dating some other girl and he was serious about her then they broke up and one fine day he gets back to me i thought of giving him a chance he acted as my bf and treated me well but never wanted to give commitment
He kept me as his friend then i saw him following his ex back on social media and claims it as We are just friends
That’s when I told him not to contact him
However i m missing him i feel like following him back messaging him
I am just not able to accept
Hi Sly.
If your ex loved you, he would have committed and shown you that he had romantic expectations of you. Since your ex isn’t investing in you, it’s best that you go no contact and let him reach out when he’s ready.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hey, my ex sent me a gift during no contact, so I explained him once again that I don’t want him to keep me on a rollercoaster and I asked him once again not to contact me. He said he respects my decision and he won’t, but after 3 weeks he wrote to me asking if I am using the gift, cause he ‘might need this money’. I didn’t answer, next day I wanted to, but he blocked me without saying that he will. I don’t know what to think about this.
Hi Arin.
By blocking you, he made it easier for you not to contact him and tell him he has to stop reaching out. People tend not to react well to ignoring/blocking behavior, so don’t worry about it. It’s just his way of saying he’s not happy with being ignored.
This will help you heal faster!
Sincerely,
Zan
After 2 years , the person who I thought was my boyfriend , my man..made up a bogus argument and then broke up with me. We seen each other after the breakup…..its been 7 months..and I called my phone company and had his number completely blocked ..he cannot call or text….but lo and behold here comes the email……letting me know a bill collector keeps calling him about a payment..lol.lol….I wasn’t going to respond..but I informed him to refrain from emailing me and to let the bill collector know to stop calling him and to remove his number from their list….( mind you I told him this before)……
Yes Im healing , he took something away from me..emotionally…and I never want to feel that way again…
Hi Nora.
Your ex has hurt you deeply. Try to forgive him so you can let go of him and invite better people into your life. You don’t want to develop trust issues because someone broke your heart.
Hang in there!
Zan
yes got a email asking do i ever think of him or does he cross my mind…….and then complete silence. smh….thanks for the response…forgiving is the difficult part but I will get there eventually.
Hi Nora.
Don’t fall for emails like that. They’re breadcrumbs (empty messages caused by guilt, nostalgia, loneliness, or something you’re not aware of). Tell him not to email you anymore. You don’t need to explain why.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
For the past 5 months I have been trying to move on from a 2 month relationship with a guy I love dearly. He broke up with me one day, out of no where saying we were going to fast because he already knew my family, we talked about the future etc then after that, he offered to be friends with me which at first I declined. But after 2 days, I messages him first and agreed to be friends and it went on for 5 months. One day I realized, I should stood up for what I want and deserve! I want to be in a relationship with him, I love him and i want to spend my life with him. I told him all of these but at the same time I know we do not want the same thing, so I told him that we should stop messaging and seeing each other. It is really a blessing that I read your blog because all
of what I am going through for the past weeks, you answered and explained so well I am encouraged and strengthened to move forward and never look back! I am on my three weeks no contact and it is incredibly hard but I stood my ground and even though I miss him, I don’t want to see him anymore and don’t want him back. I still love him and I keep telling myself its ok to feel broken and shattered because eventually, I will be healed and be a better person for myself! 🙂
Love lots,
Hazel
Hi Hazel.
I’m proud of you for standing up for what you want and deserve. This guy couldn’t give you a relationship, so you had no choice but to stop interacting with him. You needed to do it out of respect for yourself.
Rest assured that no contact will get easier with time. It will heal your wounds faster than friendship or infrequent communication.
So stay strong and don’t look back!
Kind regards,
Zan
I did…we were in a 5 year relationship and he started ignoring things I said and not replying when we got in arguments. I was always the one trying to go back and fix things to apologize and this time he ignored me for 5 days. I ended up telling him…”if your just going to ghost me then please don’t ever contact me in the future. I can’t be put through this pain again. I will always love you and think about you. You do what you have to. You have your reasons. I wish you the best.” He finally replied.. “I will always love you too. Wish you the best. Sorry for all the pain I put you through. Please don’t think I’m mad or don’t like you. You’ll always be my angel with silver wings. Goodbye.”
I’m dying. I love him. Didn’t want things to end that way but what’s worse than being flat out ignored when your the one trying to reach out to fix things. As if I’m not human thinking it wouldnt hurt and as if it was something I deserved. He’s the kind of guy that likes to deal with his feelings alone. I get that but to just ignore a person you supposedly love. No will talk later he couldn’t even tell me to just leave him be. Such a disrespectful coward. Sorry, I’m still mad and sad because I didn’t want to cut him from my life. But he already was I was scared I never hear back.
This article helpes me to be strong and keep my no contact. I blocked his social media and phone number. That’s the only way I can keep myself from reaching out on my end and as the article says he clearly made up his mind. This too is the darkest moment of my life that will always impact me. People move on but I don’t see how it’s something I can get over with the way we felt for each other I thought.
Hi Andy.
You probably don’t want to hear this, but the relationship wasn’t working. It needed to end so he could stop treating you so poorly and let you find someone who will respect you. The guy will have to mature up before he becomes ready for a healthy romantic relationship. And he’ll do that when he gets dumped and forced to reflect.
Stay strong, Andy!
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you, I actually have been coming to terms with that as well in that the relationship just wasn’t working. It does hurt and it is hard to think about and hear, but reflecting back you’re right…it just wasn’t working. I have no ill will towards him. I just hope he figures things out for himself in order for him to be happy, and I have just been trying to do the same. I’m trying to stay strong!
Thanks again!
-A
Hi Andy.
Your ex has some lessons to learn. And he needs to learn them on his own by doing the things he wants. Stay away from him so you can detach and not worry about what he’s up to. You’ll see that it gets easier with time.
Hang in there, Andy!
Zan
Hi Andy,
I’m going through the same thing. My ex wouldn’t open up and talk about his feelings. It would drive me crazy and he would just sit there silent. He didn’t want to end things but he also didn’t want to move forward. No reasonable explanation. So after over a year of low self esteem and heard monologues (because he wouldn’t talk) I started to push the conversation and he finally broke up. It’s been devastating. And wondered how your are doing. I’m going through the darkest moment of my life! Crazy how a tiny coward person can make you feel…
Hi Ana,
Thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is definitely heartbreaking and can have a huge impact on your life like its done to me. I am doing better though little by little and day by day. I think what’s helped me is that I let myself feel all the pain and hurt. When I felt my emotions and would think about things and cry, I would let it run its course. I didn’t try to bury it by keeping myself busy. I did have to force myself to do things though because for a time I just couldn’t enjoy doing anything. But little by little I am enjoying things more. In addition to reading articles like this, I also listened to breakup podcasts and confided in a close friend and family member. Then once I wasn’t upset anymore, I also put in a lot of thought into what happened and accepted the situation. I now try to look at things in a more positive way like maybe it was meant to happen to stop that toxic cycle we were in that was only getting worse. Sometimes it takes things falling apart, for better things to fall into place and everyone’s timeline is different. We all heal differently. I miss him and I will always love him. I still have my ups and downs but at least it doesn’t feel like the end of the world anymore. Its a tough time and things will work out and get better in time. Stay strong. I hope you are doing ok. I’ve tried to post this several times already….it hasn’t been going through. Take care.
P.S.
The author is right about men and their feelings, in that it catches up with them eventually. My guy ended up apologizing to me a couple of weeks ago telling me he feels awful and even called himself a coward. I forgave him but we are back to no contact because that was actually my choice this time. I told him I still needed time to heal and process things doesn’t mean I don’t forgive him I’m just not ready to jump back into what we had so quickly with the fear of being treated the same again. Its not something I want to be put through again and it changed me, it was the worst I felt in my life. It still hurts cause you think a simple apology would fix things (it would have too early on), but it doesn’t when they’ve continued to show a pattern with no effort to work on it before. So at this point, his actions were everything and his words are just words to me. I appreciated the apology and I love him always. I just though it was better for me to continue to heal and process things, and to work on myself by finding happiness in other things in life.
-A
My ex dumped me, but heel’s been stringing me along without committing to me, so I told the guy not to contact me again. I felt terrible after that, but I needed to find the courage and all about your help Zan!
You helped me in the darkest moments of my life
Happy holidays 🎁
Hi Linda.
You were brave for telling your ex that. Only strong people can do that as fast as you did.
Best regards,
Zan