Why Does My Ex Keep Contacting Me When He Dumped Me?

When an ex keeps contacting you after dumping you not once but many times, you have a sign that your ex needs something from you. Something that only you can provide. And that something ladies and gentlemen isn’t love. As hard as this may be to swallow, dumpers think exes are replaceable and that they can find someone new to love when they’re emotionally ready for it.

So if it’s not love they want, what do dumpers want when they contact their dumpee?

More often than not, they’re looking for forgiveness or reassurance. Those are the things that can relieve their guilt and doubts and allow them to keep moving forward on their own or with someone else.

Other times, they reach out for less emotional reasons. Reasons such as curiosity, boredom, friendship, to obtain information, and out of habit. They tend to confuse us with messages such as “I miss you” and give us false hope that eases their guilty conscience and in consequence complicates our detachment process.

So if you’re wondering “Why does my ex keep contacting me when he dumped me,” the answer you’re seeking is very straightforward. Your ex needs you to process the thoughts or emotions the breakup has created for him so he can leave the past behind and focus on the present. By contacting you, your ex can see you’ve forgiven him and that you’re going to be okay with or without him.

This post is for everyone who wants to know why their ex keeps contacting them after the breakup. We’ll talk about all the possible reasons why an ex would keep contacting you after the breakup and refuse to leave you alone even if you ask for space.

Why does my ex keep contacting me when he dumped me?

It would be incorrect to say that your ex is trying to wean off you because unless your ex pretended to dump you (to control you) or was forced to dump you (let’s say he caught you cheating), your ex is over you already and doesn’t require your help to detach, rebuild self-esteem, and become independent. Your ex had already done that weeks prior to leaving you with unhealthy relationship-damaging thoughts and feelings.

But your ex does still have some use for you. He wants you (not needs you) to relieve some other unpleasant thoughts or emotions that he developed after the breakup. Those thoughts and emotions have been weighing him down, so he’d like you to help him alleviate them.

I know this seems self-centered, but that’s because it probably is. Dumpers like to put themselves first and message their exes because they don’t understand what their exes are going through and what they need. They just know they feel hurt and that they must do something about it.

That’s why they often feel bad and reach out because of it. But before we proceed, I’d like you to know what “bad” means. There’s a difference between empathy and guilt.

Guilt is a feeling of compassion that hinders personal growth and well-being. It makes an ex reach out because he feels bad for hurting you and putting you through a painful situation. He wants to help you to also help himself, which is kind of conditional and sly.

Empathy, on the other hand, motivates an ex to help while allowing him to simultaneously enjoy his own life. It makes him care about you without secretly expecting anything in return.

So how can you tell if your ex genuinely cares about your well-being or if he wants you to relieve some thoughts and emotions that have been affecting him and making it difficult for him to process on his own?

You pay attention to your ex’s attitude and willingness to help. Most empathetic dumpers offer to help their ex right after the breakup and encourage their ex to reach out whenever he or she is struggling. They also leave their ex alone for the most part because they don’t need anything from their ex anymore.

They just want to focus on their own life and let their ex detach. That by definition means they are empathetic – understanding of their ex’s suffering.

Does that mean an empathetic person won’t keep reaching out to you? Not at all. All it means is that he’ll be much more consistent at showing you he cares about your well-being and that he doesn’t want, need, or expect anything from you.

That’s guilt and empathy in a nutshell. What about other possible reasons your ex would keep contacting you when he dumped you?

Let’s talk about curiosity next. Just like a guilty ex, an ex inquisitive ex could also message or call to obtain something from you. He could reach out with the intent to see what and how you’re doing.

He’d spent quite some time with you, so of course, he wants to know where your life has taken you (especially if it’s been a while since you broke up). That’s why a curious ex could ask you all sorts of questions, starting with, “What have you been up to” and eventually moving to “Are you seeing anyone?”

Presuming you’re hopeful about getting back with your ex, chances are you’ll quickly forget about everything your ex had said and focus on the “Are you seeing anyone” part the moment your ex utters it. Your initial thoughts will be filled with emotions and make you think, “Why is my ex asking this question. Does he regret breaking up with me and wants me back? Maybe he finally realized he can’t live without me.”

As a dumpee, it’s important not to jump to conclusions. Sure, sometimes exes who ask that question very quickly after reaching out want to get back with their ex because they’re in pain. But usually, that’s not the case as they’re just curious and want to know if their ex has met anyone new.

Inquisitiveness coming from the dumper can be very confusing and damaging to you. On one hand, it triggers your repressed emotions and makes you ready to jump back into a relationship with your ex. But on the other, it keeps you waiting. Waiting for your ex to make a move which may or may not happen when you want it to.

The key is to understand that when an ex inquires about your life, he just wants to find out if you’re handling the breakup well and moving on with your life. You need to keep your hopes low no matter what so that you keep your anxiety under control continue to move on.

Another possible reason why your ex keeps contacting you time after time is that your ex is used to speaking with you. He was close to you and used to talk to you a lot when he was with you, so he doesn’t feel the need to stop doing that now just because you’re no longer a couple. He just wants to keep communicating and carry on as if the breakup doesn’t change things between you two.

An ex who speaks to you habitually doesn’t understand that you need more time to detach before you can move on and be friends. You need to accept the breakup, find out what went wrong, regain your identity, heal, and become the best version of yourself.

Only then can you slowly stop thinking about your ex and start thinking about yourself again.

Some exes also reach out for emotional or financial support. But exes who do that tend to make it clear that something bad has happened to them and that they need your help. You’d likely know if your ex needed your help because he wouldn’t leave you alone until you helped him.

All in all, there are many possible reasons why your ex keeps contacting you when he dumped you. But you can find the reason (or reasons) that fit your case by figuring out what your ex’s calls or messages intend to achieve. Do they demand support and validation or do they intend to keep your ex busy, entertained, and guilt-free? Give it some thought.

Here are 8 emotional and rational reasons why your ex keeps contacting you when he dumped you.

Always remember that if your ex wants you back, he’ll verbally or non-verbally express the wish or urge to get closer to you. He’ll open up to you, invite you out, and seem to be in a hurry to reconnect and give your relationship another chance.

So if your ex keeps contacting you even though he dumped you, try not to get too excited too quickly. It could, of course, indicate that something’s not going according to plan (especially if he’s dating someone else already and seems unhappy with her). But if your ex seems fine, it’s much more likely that he’s contacting you for one of the above-mentioned rational reasons and wants to be on good terms with you.

If that’s the case, consider cutting your ex off. Nothing good will come out of letting your ex string you along and confuse you.

How to deal with an ex who keeps contacting you?

If you want your ex back, don’t block your ex. You must give your ex a chance to contact you when she’s ready. Of course, this doesn’t mean you must let your ex contact you again and again either because that would tell him he’s welcome in your life as a friend and someone he can rely on when he needs help.

Instead of letting your ex use you, you must stand up for yourself and stop your ex from reaching out all the time. That’s the best thing to do because you’ll allow yourself to distance yourself from your ex and rebuild your self-esteem.

I suggest you cut your ex off by stating you’re not ready to be friends and that you’d appreciate it if he’d let you focus on yourself to figure out what you want after the breakup.

This will put you in charge of your life and boost your healing process. Your ex might get upset about your response and try to convince you that friendship is what you want, but if it happens to you, you need to understand that what your ex wants is irrelevant to you. As long as you’re hurting, your job is to put yourself first and heal from the damage your ex has caused you.

This isn’t a red pill mentality. You don’t owe anyone anything. The only thing you owe to people (not just your ex) is kindness. And that’s only when you’re emotionally capable of showing it. Just how depressed and anxious people don’t need to pretend they’re happy, you needn’t either. You can just stick to your morals and politely tell your ex not to reach out anymore.

There’s nothing wrong with that. Your ex had decided not to be in your life, so you have the right to quickly and painlessly tell him to follow through with his intentions. Yes, he may have hoped to remain friends, but that’s no longer your concern. It’s his because he assumed he could continue to benefit from your kindness.

So what do you do when an ex who dumped you keeps reaching out to you?

You tell your ex that friendship is not something you want and that he should reach out only if there’s an emergency. That’s when he can talk to you and you’ll do your best to help.

Will my ex stop contacting me?

If you’re responding very politely every time your ex reaches out, it could take your ex a long time before he stops contacting you. How long it will take your ex I can’t say because it depends on how interested your ex is in speaking with you and how communicative you are. The friendlier you are to him, the more likely that he’ll see it as an opportunity to keep breadcrumbing you and indirectly hurting you.

So keep in mind that it varies for each dumper. Some dumpers get tired of being the only ones to initiate conversations and eventually leave their ex alone while others use their ex for emotional support and other reasons we mentioned earlier.

The end of an ex’s breadcrumbing usually depends on:

• the dumpee receptiveness
• the things happening in the dumper’s life
• how the dumper perceives the dumpee
• how much effort goes into the conversations

If your ex is still single, he may stop reaching out when he meets someone new. That’s because he’ll emotionally distance himself from you or be forced to distance himself from you by his girlfriend. Either way, he won’t keep bothering you forever if you don’t respond the way he wants you to respond.

He especially won’t keep bothering you much longer if you tell him nicely that you don’t want to communicate and ask him to leave you alone. A guy with dignity and self-respect will see that you’re not interested in being friends and let you be.

My advice is not to wait for your ex to tire himself out. It could take way too long for him to do that. We’re talking about months or years, so don’t do it. Now that you’re getting strung along, you have to be courageous and tell your ex to stay far away from you. You have to do it whether you want your ex back or if you never want to see him again.

It’s not about what you want, but what’s best for you.

Dumpees who want their ex back (so most dumpees) don’t take this advice seriously. They want their ex closer, so they normally postpone telling their ex to leave them alone. They feel too hopeful and need to detach from their ex more before they can get their power back and see their ex is detrimental to their health.

And if you’re considering giving your ex an ultimatum, don’t even think about it. You don’t need to tell your ex to choose whether to be with you or to stay broken up. Your ex would have come back if he wanted to. But he didn’t, which means that you mustn’t give your ex an option to choose.

He won’t choose you when you force him to. He’ll choose to run because he’ll feel trapped.

So avoid getting rejected again and take care of your ex maturely, confidently, and swiftly. You’ll thank me later when you’re over your ex and see that ceasing contact with your ex was the hardest, but also the best thing you’ve ever done.

Are you still wondering why your ex keeps contacting you when he dumped you? What do you think your ex wants from you to be happy? Write your thoughts below.

And if you’re looking for 1-on-1 guidance with your relationship or breakup, check out our coaching options here.

See you next time.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.