The guys’ mind during no contact is slightly different from the girls’ mind during no contact. Guys tend to be more rational than women and think with logic rather than intuition.
Instead of relying on emotions and feelings for guidance, the male mind during no contact is usually guided by logic and ego. It thinks rationally and sticks to the decisions it makes unless it’s proven wrong and encounters pain. That’s when it sees that it may have been wrong and that it has work to do.
Both males and females process negative emotions similarly, but from what I can tell, guys tend to deal with breakup emotions a bit quicker than women. Unlike women who remember the way they felt years before breaking up with their exes, guys are usually able to let go of unhealthy thoughts and emotions such as anger and resentment much quicker.
They can forgive their exes and themselves and get back with their exes if they want to.
A long time ago, guys were hunters and needed to be calm and collected. They needed to wait for their prey and subdue their prey quickly and efficiently. This means they needed to exercise patience and suppress their anger, fear, and other emotions until they could benefit from those emotions.
Women’s roles, on the other hand, were more communication-based.
One of their most significant tasks was gathering fruits and plants—so they (generally speaking) had a lot less physically demanding jobs.
Because of their responsibilities, women conversed, planned, bonded, and exchanged all sorts of feelings with one another. This may be the reason why women have developed differently from men. Scientists believe it took women 1.5 million years to develop into the people they are today and that their emotions are the difference that attracts guys to them.
Another interesting study suggests that women tend to experience depression and various mental illnesses twice as often as men (according to Mayoclinic). So based on this information, they seek help more often whereas guys tend to internalize things and deal with pain by themselves and in different ways.
Just because guys are physically stronger and tend to fall into depression less often than women, that doesn’t mean they’re incapable of getting hurt and reflecting. Guys can have an epiphany just like women. But they need a reason to have it.
Usually, they need to date someone else and realize that the new person doesn’t measure up to their ex. That’s when they become regretful and nostalgic and come back faster than greased lightning.
In this article, we’re going to talk about what goes through a guy’s mind during no contact and how you can make sure that your ex gets what he needs to think of you in ways that he needs to.
Guys’ Mind During No Contact
Since guys are rational creatures, the guys’ mind during no contact tends to be decision-driven.
When guys feel unhappy about their romantic partners, they rationally decide that their partners are not giving them what they want and that they need to chase after their own goals and happiness.
And they do just that.
They say goodbye to their romantic partners and start looking for happiness on their own or by dating someone else. Oftentimes, guys sweep their issues under the rug and quickly monkey-branch into a relationship with someone else.
By getting to know someone else, they stop feeling pressured and have a fresh start. They start going through the 5 breakup stages and feel relieved, so they don’t think much about their exes. All they think about is the new person and the way she makes them feel.
But as time goes on (usually a few months into the new relationship), relief and other self-empowering post-breakup emotions wane. That’s when they revert to their old selves and stop running away from their exes. They just mind their own business and become neutral about their exes.
Although some guys initially cry for a day or two after breaking their partners’ hearts, they don’t usually sit at home and cry for weeks and months the way dumpees do.
Guys tend to convince themselves that the breakup was a smart decision and that they deserve to be happy even if their exes don’t want them to be happy.
What goes through a guy’s mind during no contact?
If you prioritized yourself and avoided begging and pleading and making other post-breakup mistakes, the guys’ mind during no contact will eventually stop perceiving you as the culprit. It may not develop feelings for you, but it will acknowledge some of your good points and may even want to befriend you.
When enough time has passed, your ex will no longer worry about the way you had made him feel prior to the breakup.
He will “only” remember you in a relationship-unworthy way and regularly remind himself that breaking up with you was for the best and the right thing to do.
By reminding himself that you’re not his ideal partner, your ex will strengthen his reasons for staying away from you and continue to focus on himself and whomever he’s dating. Your ex will essentially distract himself with new and old hobbies and people and try not to think about the breakup.
Months into no contact dumpers feel happy or “okay” to be on their own or with someone else. They no longer hate you or despise you for the things you did and didn’t do because they’re focusing on the present moment.
And that’s a huge improvement compared to the way they felt on the day of the breakup.
You must understand that unless you keep pestering your ex and making your ex attach a lot of negativity to your persona, your ex will eventually see things rationally and probably reach out. If you’re lucky, he might even apologize and thank you for the way he contributed to the breakup.
But whatever you do, don’t mistake your ex’s kindness for romantic feelings. Kindness has nothing to do with feelings as it’s something dumpers show when they’ve calmed down and started caring about their conscience or image.
All your ex needs in no contact to think of you and treat you better is maturity and self-awareness.
He needs to be self-aware enough to:
- understand his emotions
- want to let go of negativity and victim mentality
- consider himself partially responsible for the end of the relationship
- have the drive to improve
- be positive about his life
With that being said, here’s what goes through a guy’s mind during no contact.
Guys need space and time
Now that the breakup has ensued, your ex needs a lot of space and time. He needs to think rationally and slowly one day at a time let go of the negative associations that plague his mind.
Although your ex could theoretically let go of negative associations very quickly if he wanted to, he likely can’t do that right now. Your ex probably hasn’t trained his mind to be self-aware and capable of handling smothering, unpleasant, and self-destructive emotions.
Up until now, your ex has probably always reacted to stressors and hasn’t learned much from them. He needs to get broken up with because that will show him (not necessarily teach him) how to treat people well.
Always remember that the best way for your ex to let go of what he’s feeling toward you is for something emotionally difficult and painful to happen to him. Something like a breakup or anything that helps him reflect and remove negative feelings from your post-breakup persona.
Most dumpers (male or female) start thinking about their exes when their lives aren’t going well. That’s because they’re out of luck and want their exes to help them with the predicament they’re going through.
You need to be aware of that so you don’t let your ex’s breadcrumbs confuse you and give you tons of false hope.
Dumpers tend to lack self-awareness
A lot of dumpers, unfortunately, can’t forgive and forget. They lack the strength to fight their unhealthy emotions and listen to dumpees’ side of the story.
In the breakup world, we refer to dumpers who blame their exes as dumpers with a victim mentality. This mentality prevents dumpers from admitting fault and prevents them from letting their exes close to them.
That’s why your ex just like most people needs to rely on time, space, and distance to do the job for him.
He needs you to follow the rules of no contact so you can provide him with his fundamental human needs. Needs such as respect, space, and enough time to see what else is out there.
If you want to give your ex what he needs and make him happy, you need to start no contact immediately. Give your ex the only thing he needs from you and start following the indefinite no contact rule.
As a dumpee, you need to know that other than the indefinite no contact rule, there is no other way to make your ex relax and think positively about you. I wish there was another way, but there isn’t. Your ex won’t recover emotionally and improve the way he perceives you until you give him the space he craves and allow him to run into trouble without you.
So give your ex the only thing you can give him (space) and focus on getting over your ex until he reaches out first. Do that even if your ex appears to be happy and you’re miserable.
You can’t forcefully change the guys’ minds in no contact
No matter how hard you try, you can’t directly change your ex’s mind during no contact.
You can’t do it if you’re the richest, smartest, prettiest, or funniest person on the planet because your ex isn’t ready for it to change. He’s in self-discovery mode which means that he’s completely unreceptive to everything you say and do. If you try to reason with him when he’s enjoying his post-breakup life, you’ll cause more damage than good.
You’ll make your ex resent you (or resent you more if he already does) and get hurt as a result.
You need to understand that guys are often ego-driven and that they won’t be reasoned with no matter how apologetic you appear. They won’t become receptive to you until they cool off and change their perception of you.
So for the guy’s mind in no contact to change, give the guy enough time.
Wait for your ex to:
- Willingly get rid of his negative thoughts about you and replace them with more positive ones.
- Have enough time for his repulsive emotions to subside.
- Go through painful self-reflective experiences.
Dumpees, unfortunately, don’t possess the power to change guys’ minds during no contact. All they can do is exude high confidence and self-esteem and let their exes see that they’re doing fine. This is more than enough because happiness can attract guys when they fail to find peace and comfort on their own.
This is something dumpees often don’t understand. They often think they must single-handedly influence or force their ex to like them and want to be with them.
But the truth is that intrusive actions usually only backfire and make them look crazy and obsessed.
Although jealousy games can work on some less mature dumpers, the truth is that they don’t work on most dumpers. Most dumpers see what their exes are trying to do and lose even more respect for them. That’s when dumpees have ruined their chances and can forget about attracting their exes back. Reattraction just doesn’t happen because respect is the foundation on which love is built.
Of course, dumpers sometimes fall for sly manipulation techniques. But such dumpers more often than not leave again. They realize that they don’t love their exes and that they must stay even farther away from them.
So if you’re thinking about forcing your ex to return, try not to go down that path. Let the picture below teach you what happens when you try to change the guys’ mind during no contact through force and persistence.
The guys’ mind during no contact takes time to influence and change
Usually, something has to force dumpers to feel attracted to you and want to be with you.
Whether it’s depression, a failed rebound relationship, or anything negative, some powerful external factor has to influence the male mind during no contact.
When that something does its magic, your ex will likely contact you and try to obtain something from you. He will try to extort validation, support, information, or even love. You need to be fully healed by then so you can think rationally and figure out why your ex is reaching out.
When you hear from your ex, don’t immediately assume that your ex has come back. Your ex won’t come back before he has a reason to come back. It likely won’t happen before you’ve moved on and learned to live without your ex.
For now, you need to focus on detaching from your ex and finding happiness without him. This is important because if you don’t regain emotional independence, you’ll be of no use to your ex when he comes back. This is because you’ll show him you rely on him emotionally and that he can’t get what he needs from you.
My advice is to practice forgiveness affirmations and continue to let go of your ex so that you can be happy and attract your ex or other people with self-certainty.
Influencing guys’ mind during no contact
The only way to influence the guys’ mind during no contact is to exude confidence, self-respect, and high self-esteem. Any other technique likely won’t work because it will interfere with your ex’s feelings and opinions.
So if you’re wondering how to change your ex’s mind and restore his feelings during no contact, keep in mind that there is no direct way to do it.
All you can do is follow a strict regimen of no contact and wait for your ex to contact you first. It’s that simple, yet so many dumpees cave into anxiety and contact their exes. Some reach out because they think they must reach out after 30 days, whereas others get scared and think their ex will meet someone else and move on for good.
The best words of advice I have for you is that you must stay silent during no contact. Let the power of silence after the breakup influence your ex while you focus on yourself and do your best to forget about your ex.
It will take some time to stop thinking about your ex, but don’t give up. Breakups take time to process as well as learn and improve from. But because they take long, they also teach you the most valuable lessons.
The guys’ mind after no contact
As long as you’re heartbroken, the male’s mind after no contact will be difficult to understand.
Your ex might tell you that he loves you and wants to be with you, but his actions will tell you otherwise. They’ll say that he’s not thinking about being with you and that he just wants to give you hope and ease his worries.
Before you unleash your wrath on your ex and get back at your ex for playing with your feelings, think about what your actions will accomplish. After careful consideration, you’ll probably realize that you don’t need to hurt your ex just because he doesn’t understand you and want to be with you.
You just have to find a way to distract yourself and be the best version of yourself.
You need to understand that guys often reach out for ego, guilt, and validation purposes. They break no contact and check up on their dumpees to elicit a reaction out of them.
By doing so, they obtain the information they’re after, empower themselves, and quickly go back to doing what they were doing. They don’t need to keep talking to their exes because they get everything they need from their exes simply by speaking to them.
So if you’re trying to understand what goes through a guy’s mind during no contact, keep in mind that you don’t need to understand everything. You especially don’t need to know what your ex doing in his free time or saying about you.
All you need to know is that he currently doesn’t regret dumping you. And that’s it. Everything else is irrelevant as it will only give you false hope and make you more obsessed with your ex.
So wait for your ex to express the desire to take things further with you. When and if he shows interest, you’ll hear from him and see whether a reconciliation is possible and something you want.
Give guys what they want
Whether you’re in no contact or not, you must continue to give your ex what he wants.
You must keep giving your ex freedom, independence, respect—and everything he wanted so that he can let go of his negative breakup emotions and feel happier emotions.
His emotions and mindset have to undergo a natural change and slowly—one day at a time return back to the way they were before the breakup.
But before you start looking forward to that day, keep in mind that the guys’ mind during no contact or even after no contact can take a very long time to change. Although guys usually let go of their negative emotions after a while, they don’t always forget all the negative aspects of their previous relationships.
Oftentimes, they hold on to their pasts and occasionally remind themselves that their exes weren’t the best matches for them. They do this to continuously think about their exes in a negative way and to strengthen their decisions to break up with them.
Here’s a video of the guys’ mind during no contact.
Do you agree that there’s no changing the guys’ mind during no contact unless they want to change it themselves? Drop your thoughts in the comments section below.
However, if you’re looking for breakup coaching and want our help, visit our coaching page for more information.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
“someone is wrong on the internet”
you. it’s you. you’re wrong. 😉
What do you mean, Yep?
Best,
Zan
Helpful article… I’m a guy, and almost always was the dumper, tried a few times to get back with a few girls, and learned that honestly, and obviously, there were always reasons it didn’t work out, and that people don’t change. I read this article because in the past week I’ve had two different exes break no contact and I’m just wondering wtf are they thinking?! Why did they think I’d want to hear from them. It’s been a while, but now, I’m in a spot where life is just a lot better being alone. No need to seek something or someone to fulfill myself, because I’m already fulfilled. There’s only one seat on this plane, and it’s easier, cheaper, and more fun to fly solo. No whining or crazy emotions, and it’s not like I don’t have options for getting any action without the relationships or situationships… every now and then, if I ever get lonely, I remind myself that loneliness is the price of my freedom, and there’s no woman that’s worth giving up my freedom. I want for nothing in my life, and there’s nothing a woman can give me that I can’t do for myself. I’ve you’ve been hurt, find your freedom… and life your life for yourself!
Hi Josh.
People really don’t change much. They need a very good reason to change and a lot of motivation. I can’t say why your exes reach out, but I understand how that makes you feel.
Right now, you seem to be tired of fulfilling your romantic partners’ expectations and want to stay single. That makes sense. But as time goes by, you’ll likely realize that it’s hard to progress further in life without a partner. Some goals require a strong emotional bond, mutual experiences, kids, and things like that to reach.
Sincerely,
Zan
1. Hey, after an argument he blocked me. Then I blocked him. It was just too emotionally exhausting. Was that the right move? It’s been two weeks. He is already with someone else.
2. Can you create a post of what to do when the relationship is absolutely over and how to move on without regrets or looking back?
Hi Sarah.
Blocking him didn’t change much as he’d already blocked you. I’d leave it as it is and try to self-prioritize.
I’ll write a post about moving on after a tough breakup in the near future.
Thanks for commenting!
Zan
We broke up a month ago today, he was the one who broke up with me. saying that I am too much and didn’t support him, and he’s right about that. I couldn’t disagree on that, I supported him in all the things he do but I made a mistake that day we fought and said something that ruin his passion he says. so, I begged him twice o thrice, he even blocked me. Then unblocked me on new year. I didn’t contact him sometimes but we go church together with friends. Thats all. I didn’t message him at all, then he’s the one who initiated our conversation asks me if I still hope on us, said yes cause I really am. He said no, don’t get your hopes high we’re really not going back together. I really am hurt that day, still hurting ever since our break up. Then days passed, a friend of us says that my ex confess on her says that he’s attracted to her because she’s the one he talked to when we broke up and all. But our friend do have a love partner and not interested on him. My ex says that maybe he’s just confusing things but he says that he’s already doubting his love for me. What can you say about this? Is it because he’s in pain that’s why he thinks he’s attracted to our friend and thinks that he doesn’t love me anymore? Should I still do this no contact rule?
Hi Oche.
You should still do the no contact rule. I’m not sure if he realized he had feelings for your friend and left you or if he had other reasons for breaking up, but it’s evident he’s fallen out of love and needs time to himself. I suggest you give him that.
Stay strong,
Zan
I FINALLY let go of a toxic ex who only used me, played me and just killed the relationship. I am so much happier. I blocked him (took 2 years of therapy to finally do it) It is THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. Well, one. I am so proud of myself. I blocked him on social media (although he blocked me first), subscribed to TrapCall to avoid any calls from him, and honored his request to “lose this number”. I am free. It took a long time to get here. You can do it, too. I no longer dread seeing his meaningless memes and random songs that he sends. He’s an aging player. I am so relieved. There is hope. I was desperately in love with him. Now I am so much happier without. I blocked all his friends and anyone associated with him. It feels so good. You can do it, too.
Great job Yvette!
You’ve let go of the unhealthy attachment your ex has contributed toward. Now you’re finally free and ready to enjoy your life again!
Sincerely,
Zan
Wow. It seems you’re talking about my ex fiance. We were together 4 years and he always used breakups that lasted only hours to get me anxious and running around chasing him. Well he broke up with me on April 1…for real this time. He said things like he felt he was forced into the engagement. And he never goes back to ab ex
So I decided to go into no contact again on July 5 . It’s day 31 today.
Btw…He broke up out of anger because I changed my mind about us moving in together, but he still pays half the rent.
Hi Therese.
Multiple breakups usually lead to a permanent (long breakup). Understanding of each other and relationship behavior needed to change significantly for the relationship to continue to exist. I think you should work on yourself right now and “hope” that your ex does the same.
Sincerely,
Zan
Wow, your story is so much like mine I wondered for a second if I had written this earlier! I too dated an athlete and all these things happened as well, more or less, down to the dating app bs. Mine, too, expressed desires to marry and remain committed to one woman and move on in the marriage and family direction, yet had very little interest in who I was. It was beginning to mess with my mind.
I thought after a year I was over it, but in hindsight it actually took me almost two years to overcome the heartache/missing him (I also checked his public stuff from time to time like you do), but I’m telling you it’s worth it to forge on. Some people are unfortunately scarred and hurting for various reasons and when they live lives which present them ample women and praise that comes with the type of lifestyle, well, more often than not you’re likely to get some form of a womanizer, even if they don’t want to be. It’s hard to change.
Like you, I felt regretful. It got under my skin much, much more than other breakups! It was brutal! It was a type of rejection that had so much sting. But day after day, life goes on and you begin to realize how little he invested and then you realize how crappy a longer term relationship with that person could have been. And THEN, you eventually meet someone who cares about your feelings, remembers your birthday and makes you feel so loved that you see how disrespected and unsettled you felt with your ex. I hope it’s getting better for you as each month goes on.
Lol. I love how you’re “rational” and “logical” inherently as a man but can’t do simple research. Women grieve immediately upon breakup and get over it completely with some time. Men take significantly longer to get over breakups after they go through their little celebration at first. Sorry for you.
Exactly. It’s well researched.
This one of the best advice I have read ever since my break up. I’m 25 and met someone on a dating site and we were in a LDR for almost 5 months. I was already grieving my last relationship and when I met this person he seemed to be like the perfect fairytale. The spin to this was he turned out to be a famous cricketer. I was unaware at the time and after finding out (he had a different name to the one on the site) I was wary at first but he eventually got me to trust him and I let go of my doubts giving him the benefit of being a public figure. I had deleted the app and we were talking daily. I was on cloud 9, I thought this guy was too good to be true! He was making all the efforts, scheduling time zone differences to talk, always so attentive and keen on listening. We had similar goals in life and he almost ticked all the boxes I had. He was so vulnerable with me, he would call and cry sometimes. I had never seen this side of a man before so I felt like this was someone really special who can confide in me and likewise. Except I never could. It was always about him, even if I wanted to talk about something that was bothering me it seemed like he wasn’t even paying attention or he wouldn’t say or ask anything further about it to console me. After almost 3 months, he would hardly make time either. Hardly call or even send a decent text to be honest. Sometimes it would only be emojis of sad faces and heartbreaks and I’d send these huge paragraphs back to him (stupid me I know!) He was also dealing with troublesome health anxiety as well as a career downfall you could say. I understood and went beyond my capabilities to console him and would make sure he would be alright. I waited patiently for the next 2 months for things to go better. I even asked him straight if he wasn’t interested at least tell me clearly so we could both move on respectfully. But he was always saying things like he’s too upset and worried. Also another thing I realised he hardly wanted to get to know me, he wouldn’t ask anything regarding my life, hobbies etc. These were basics let alone deeper topics. According to him he wanted to find someone himself for a long term commitment that could lead to marriage. And said while all this bad stuff was happening in his life, I was the one he would talk to the most. But some days were just silence honestly. My mind was going bezerk. He’d ask me to just stay on the phone while we sleep. Although he was never rude or disrespectful to me directly but his actions and words told me otherwise. One day I reactivated my account on the app that I had initially met him on wanting to re-read our first conversation. To my surprise I found him with an updated bio, photos and even name! I was shattered, I was bothered and most of all I was upset at myself for falling so deeply so soon, and for trusting someone blindly like that. At this point it has been over a month since I had last talked to him on the phone, we were just texting. But I told him I wanted to speak to him on the phone. He replied after 3 days to talk the next day. And after a week has passed I still hadn’t gotten any text or call. At this point I didn’t have the energy in me to argue or fight with him. I simply texted him that this isn’t working out, to which he apologised and said he couldn’t handle balancing work and life and this was the first time he was going through a crisis. He accused me of not being sensitive towards his mental health. To which I was absolutely gutted by because I had been supporting him in that the whole time!! So I texted him directly that I was aware that he had been been active on this app but I didn’t specify the details about how I knew. In response he told me how could you expect me to be there when I’m in such a terrible mental state etc. And initially he had told me his friend had made his account and repeated the same statement again (which obviously made no sense since even if his friend did make it why had it magically updated by itself?!) He kept saying how disappointed he was in me. How it’s my fault. He had gaslighted me a couple of times before too but I always overlooked it or thought maybe he is right. He said things like how he had deleted the app and he had told me back when we first started talking…even though this wasn’t the case! It was me who had told him that. He said I should’ve talked about it rather than ending things. And that was the last thing…I never replied.
Maybe he is right and I did want to talk about it but he didn’t let me call or he wouldn’t call either so what was I supposed to do. At the time I was so upset at him and myself I couldn’t think straight and acted quickly.
I’m usually someone that walks away with a high head and I don’t let anyone get to me, because it takes a lot for me to give up on something. But this time is different. It’s been really difficult honestly. My heart stings and burns some days. I have trouble sleeping. And it’s so weird because it had just been a few months and that too long distance right?? So why is it bothering me THIS MUCH!!
It’s been a month exactly today since we broke up. I’ve removed him from all my social media but still reread our conversations. Check his online status on whatsapp and sometimes go on his Instagram or Twitter page since they’re both public. I know they’re all toxic things to do but if I don’t I feel like I’m going to end up messaging him back. I can’t help it. I’ve fallen for someone that I know isn’t good for me…but I can’t stop feeling this way.
Have I made a mistake? Have I just overthinked everything? Why do I feel so regretful 🙁
does this guy have the surname cowdrey?
I was in a relationship for 1.5 years and we were in love. He would do anything for me and pampered me. He frequently told me that he loved me and we had a lot on common. I am in my late 40s and he is in his late 50’s and when I asked him about our future, he said he wasn’t interested in moving in together or marriage. This devastated me after being in this wonderful relationship for 1.5 years. I guess this will not change and I have to accept it.
I was with my ex nearly 3years. Whenever we have an argument he tends to end the relationship, knowing how ill I become from it. However he always seems to breadcrumb and we get back together.
One occasion he told me not to contact him, not realising it was over until I was notified he was on a dating site. He used the excuse someone else set it up without him realising.
Every time I feel him pulling back I get extremely anxious and question myself. Recently I looked on his phone. I didn’t find anything, however I’m aware that he deletes messages? Why, I ask myself if there’s nothing to hide?
He asked me if I’d been through his phone and I admitted it. I wasn’t proud of what I did, yet I couldn’t lie.
He then went onto block me on social media and blame me for ruining everything because of my insecurities. He also emphasised how amazing his life is and will be without me. He hasn’t however blocked me on texts and is in contact frequently.
This time round I haven’t reacted to any of his game playing tactics.
He was dragging his heels on collecting his things, so I dropped everything off.
He’s since reached out and been so nice, complimenting me, saying I look happy and that he wants to take me away on holiday in the summer. (Which is months away)
I won’t be responding. It’s hard because I wanted it to work, however I’ve reached a point that I was feeling so much hurt whist with him, it’s easier to now let go.
He doesn’t take any accountability for making me feel insecure and is extremely stubborn/proud.
I can no longer put myself through this pain, yet it’s hard when he reaches out.
Hello Beth, this sounds exactly like my relationship, just the last couple months something went missing, and when he said he didn’t see future, I asked him to leave, he picked all his stuff, and left me a note saying how sorry he was for who ended and that he always love me, is been a week and I feel like I made a mistake for letting go instead of working things out, I think we really had future together but I jumpe to fast, I always react fast instead of thinking, I love him very much. And I don’t want to lose him forever, how do you feel
2nd breakup with the same guy. I’ve been 2.5 months no contact (it’s been 3 months since the breakup,) and yes it hurts like hell, but I’m slowly moving from devastation to a feeling of numbness. Neither one of us are on social media, so that helps. I have no idea what is going on in his life, and the only way he can get information on me is to call or text or stop at my house. The first time we broke up he breadcrumbed me a ton, and has tried a couple of times this time as well. I’m not falling for it. I love him so much, I wanted to marry him. But I’ve been seriously hurt by this promises and not coming through, going back to his ex the first time we broke up, etc. I was having trust issues and couldn’t let it go, which is whydumped me this time. He couldn’t handle the pressure, I guess. The thing is is that he knew I was healing and promised he would wait as long as it took to earn my trust back. He was looking at rings and saving to buy a town house. I blame myself because I was constantly on edge, thinking he’d breakup with me again or go to a different woman. Well, he left me again after all. That is what is making me so angry now. He PROMISED he would never leave me again, that he changed, that I’m the love of his life. I’m not fighting for him this time. I still want him back, but right now I’m protecting myself with radio silence. He would have a lot to make up for, if he ever contacts me again.
Hi Michaela, your story sounds just like mine. Today is my first day of no contact, how are you coping with it? Has he tried contacting you yet? My ex bf has been adding girls on social media but I don’t know if it’s just for the attention, or if he really doesn’t have feelings for me. I’m just so confused however everything you mentioned I had the same experience. I didn’t trust him because he went back to his ex 2 weeks after we broke up first time and then he came back to me and I took him in, until I found that he was talking bad about me after our break up bu looking through his phone after he came back. I confronted him about it and told him how much that hurt me, he apologised and told me that it was his way of healing to make himself feel better. He asked me to be his gf again and I told him I will under one condition we need to build the trust which he agreed on, until I had this feeling inside of me that told me to go through his phone while he’s sleeping. So I did, and found that he was chatting with girls and hiding their message alerts while sleeping next to me. That broke me again and his first words that came out of his mouth were “why are you touching my phone?” A typical guy question. So things got a bit rough we fought, he left for some space because he keeps hurting me, and then we started fighting over and over again. Things got a bit nasty with messages going back and forth, and I got really frustrated because he made me feel like he didn’t care that he lost me. So I’ve reading a lot about the no contact rule and today was literally my first day applying it.
hello i break up with my ex 2 months ago, our relationship was very great! we always have positive vibes durring the relationship.. after breakup we commnicate at least once a week, we keep update everything, and 1 month ago we returned our things and when we meet up still great, even he admitted and cannot believe..
3 weeks ago, he asked me alot of questions, about me and ask me to inform, after i replying he never replied back (already 2 weeks) and i confused now.. why with him? or will he start no contact no rules?
This is 100% true im doing this to my ex right now. I just dont want anymore bullshit. Im only focusing on my self now and working out everyday improving myself. I got 100% focus on my goals.
Hi. Well reading all your stories was like reliving . My own relationship. I was together with someone who didnt live far from me but his job took him 7 days a week abroad. There he would have free time. But didnt use this time for us. In form of phoneing me. Video chatting me. Most of our contact if not all of our contacwas per writing over whatsapp. Or meaningless emojis. Sometimes only emojis. I got to a point where i felt unloved. If he ever did love me. I finished with him. Directly after that he rang me up continiously near enou 100 calls and emojis to get me back. Im not allowed to leave, if i love him then i shouldnt leave. Do i love him if i do tell him if i dont then he will stop all the crazy stuff.
I accepted him back but it didnt get better. He kept neglecting me. Instead of talking things through with him i finished again. That went on till the fourth breakup. Where he didnt bother returning.
He went from loving me to liking me. But he doesnt want a relationship with me. I fought twice to get him back. I was prepared to work on myself. He didnt see the blame by us both. He saw the blame only by me. I reacted to the ill treatment this man doled out on me by neglecting me. We were together 1 year. Wed seen each other in this year perhaps 2 times. He even started writing a second book and invested time there too that left even less for me. He went into dateing sites as apparantly he needed research for a certain chapter in his book. He didnt even inform me that he was in the dateing sites which again took us time away from me. I got suspicious because he spent even less time with me. Stopped saying he loved me. I then went in the dateing site where wed met. But didnt expect to find him there. But i did and it shocked me. He doesnt understand my reaction to his being in the dateing sites. 3 in all. That was the reason i finished. Where i fought for him to get him back he just kept rubbing my text under my nose the one where i ended the relationship. But he doesnt see that he triggered all this Drama. He accuses me of causing all the Drama. Till now ive written him trying to get him back. But he just says he likes me, but doesnt want to date me. He wont erase my telefone number out of his contacts. Nor will he forget me. Ive asked him. He always says no. Wether hes chatting to numerous dates on the dateing site and is trying to keep me in reserve as he knows i still love him and want him back. Who knows.
Since tuesday ive put a contact stop in with him. I plan on carrying on till either he reacts and writes me a long text asking how we can work things out. I dont plan on him doing this though as hes a very stubborn man. Hes 48 im 51. After the seperation on the 23 May 2020 i had a middle Depresion and panic attacks. I even felt suisidal. Which isnt my thing. But this man treated me worse than i would treat a Dog. My Dog i give more love and attention than what he gave me. I was always investing. Even with me working full time, haveing side jobs, a child at Home and house and gardens to tend too.
Sorry to text you all so long. But i just needed to get this out of me, as this is the first time ive really opened up to anyone about it. Its been about 4 weeks now since we seperated.
Your guy sounds like a text book narcissist. He won’t delete you because he plans to keep you on the line for whenever you become beneficial to him again or he needs his ego stroked. The fact that he is older and still playing games should let you know why this man is still single or pretending to be. Im sure he has multiple women on the line. Move on, find someone that appreciates you and is worthy of you. Good Luck!
That is the sign of a full fledged narcissist.
Thank you so much for your site, I feel like I’ve read the entire internet since the breakup! But your advise is truly the best I’ve read I’ve been going through a breakup for the last three weeks. I am in my early 40’s and he walked out three weeks ago. We were due to start our 4th IVF cycle .We know each other since we were in our teens- and it was always love at first site for both of us, and went out for the last 8 years. I am utterly devastated. I dot have any other children and apart from losing the man I want to spend the rest of my life with I have maybe lost the chance to have a family. First and foremost is my relationship with him though. He is a loving caring , great man, however is also as sensitive as me. We’ve had fights over the years but always managed to sort it out , my sensitivity and over defensiveness, and his ignoring me or not wanting to talk to me for days have always been our problem, nothing else , Ive had lots of family problems which he has always been so supportive of, but I guess if there were already existing cracks then all of this has multiplied all the problems, when life is good for us which it mostly was it was incredible, we have a loving, caring , affectionate , incredible relationship where we would talk all the time, and people would even comment on our chemistry and how we managed to talk to each other so much. We had a small fight and things were said,but it stemmed from bickering 2 days earlier that he held onto and I make no bones about it that day, I was having an off day and just felt rotten ,I was over defensive – Im struggling to live with that right now and am working on it deeply in therapy.
however come three days later he told me what he was annoyed about and we got into an argument, he was so annoyed and hurtful things were said by both, neither of us normally do that but this night we did , that night he left in anger -said he was going for a beer- but then let me know he was saying with his elderly Mon and came back the next day and said it was over.I pleaded and begged but he left, I sent the apology texts and asked if we could talk, he never responded until he let me know later that week that he would collect the rest of his belongings, which he did that following Saturday, he asked I wasn’t there so I respected his wishes, but I asked that we could talk and he agreed we would at some point in the following days, he left our place that day and didn’t return keys or parking permit, nor let me know that he had gone. He also left a number of his belongings perhaps he doesn’t want them anymore., I haven’t broached him on this and i suppose I hold on in hope that he would still come back. We also still have two frozen embryos from our previous IVF. I Left it an entire week and messaged him to see if we could meet up, he initially agreed but then declined and said if I was too emotional it wouldn’t be good to meet and he didn’t want to hash over everything, I was gutted he wouldn’t meet me but respect his wishes even though I followed up again the following day to ask him if he changed his mind, he made it clear that for him the problems have been there years , he is inferring to my over defensiveness, and not leaving him fully alone when he wants space – this can take days and has always been our problem, I calm down too quick and he calms down to slow – this is our dance! , I can see his point about meeting up when things are too emotional and I replied to let him know I understand. The last contact was one week ago today, and I am respecting his space ,so I have made the stupid mistakes at the start but am leaving it now, and we have always sorted our problems , but he is gone now , I have no idea where to start picking up the pieces or if things can ever work with us again. we were even due to have a weekend break together two weeks ago before we started ivf so that need to be cancelled. Im in a suspended state of reality right now and know if he ever comes back I will be lucky, he is a stubborn man – more than the average guy, so this is so so incredibility difficult, just dont know what to do other than hopes he could possibly give our relationship another chance and that this has been the watershed of relising that it would need to be a new relationship with a different dynamics that wold work for us
Did he come back?
Hi Rose, your story is very similar to mine. Can I ask if he ever came back?
Rose did he come back?
Hi! My BF and I broke up a month ago. We were together for 2 1/2 years (I’m 35, he’s 37) and lived together for over a year and a half. We were arguing a lot. I can speak for myself when I say I was definitely very anxious and working through a lot of my own unhealed past. It came out as reactivity, judgement, criticism, lack of acceptance of who he is, picking fights, intensity. I understand why he’s hurt and ended things.
I did a lot of the “dont’s” at moments and am now respecting his space. He says he doesn’t know if I’d change and all he knows is what he experienced. He says he doesn’t know how he feels about anything regarding the future and right now needs some distance.
When we broke up, he was crying intensely about how hurt he is. Two weeks passed and he became angry. Now he is just a bit more shut down and wants space. I know he still cares about me, and I’ve jumped into to doing even deeper work on myself to heal (for myself). He had asked my dad for permission to propose a few months prior to our break up.
I know right now the best thing I can do is not contact him. Any other insight and suggestions would be helpful!
Hey can you add me on facebook? Anna-lise k.
Are you saying all male exes want to be in a new relationship after 3 months? What if they are depressed, or genuinely want to be single? do you mean they find a specific person or they just think about how it would feel nice to receive attention? Just wondering because my ex was never the flirty type, I was his first gf (and it took 7 months for him to ask me), he is low key antisocial (spends most of the time in his room), and I think he is depressed because he’s shown multiple signs in the past (insecure, immature, and sad but doesn’t like telling others he keeps it inside)
Dear Zan,
I have to say thank you for you and your site.
I am 2 weeks post being dumped in a “slow fade” and I have found the situation incredibly difficult. I guess as many dumpees do I have held on to the hope that my ex will recognised his mistake/loss and come back. In this vain of hope I have looked online for advice and insight. I have found what you have written honest and straightforward rather than giving false hope and promises to get my ex back.
I was in a 6 month relationship with someone who was separated from his ex who he had been with for 12 years since uni and yes I was very wary about being a rebound. I took things slow and he assured me having dated other women for 8 months post separation I wasn’t a rebound or the next women. Now looking back and reading your post on rebound relationships I probably missed red flags.
He slowly tried to prove to me over the 5 months he was dedicated and loved me. He began divorce proceeding whilst with me and I met his parents and friends. Finally he broke down my concerns and barriers and I fell for him.
Then after our first argument when abroad where he upset me and I stopped talking to him after he ignored my concerns everything changed. The certainty he had in us was apparently rocked and he had doubts about our future or if I was “the one.”
I knew I made mistakes pushing him when he told me this but tbh I was so shocked by the change it was very difficult to deal with. He asked for space which didn’t work well. He asked to break up which I agreed to but I didn’t want to remain friends or in contact. He didn’t want to loose contact with me so he took back the break up and wanted to try again. He flipped from wanted to have a life and family with me to not wanting to see me and much worse behaviour isolating me completely on and off for 4 weeks. This slowly ate away at my self esteem.
During this 4 weeks of misery I committed all the do not dos until it came to a head and he dumped me. I surprised myself as I am not usually effected like this during breakups and have always been able to walk away with confidence. In this I didn’t recognise myself but I realise now that poor treatment can really eat away at your self worth.
I have not contacted him since the break up and have found solace in your post on indefinite no contact which I hope I can manage for myself more than anything.
I can’t help but wonder if he did ever love me or if I was just a rebound crutch but it doesn’t really change things.
Unfortunately, for now as it is still so fresh I will hope for him to come back but reading your post has helped me regain a lot of my self worth which his behaviour ate away at and tbh I question if I would want him back.
I hope that you could do a blog on slow faders in a relationship not just dating as this was what made a huge impacted on me emotionally and my response. I didn’t recognise what was happening as I had never experienced it and if I had I hopefully would have walked away sooner.
Thank you again.
Hi Elly.
I can’t say for sure whether he loved you, but I can tell you that most people don’t lie when they say they love their partners. Some just quickly fall out of love. Based on this idea, I believe your ex stopped loving you when the honeymoon stage ended.
I’ll try to include the “slow fade” topic in one of the upcoming articles.
Thank you,
Zan
Elly, I also experienced a slow fade from a man also talking of having a family together, and like you, we broke up then reconciled and then he employed slow fade tactics for 6 weeks which included just enough bread crumbing so I wouldn’t walk away immediately. This was surprisingly painful, and I’ve been strengthened by an extremely painful divorce in the past and this still had the ability to break my heart and kick me down. I’m a few months out of it so it’s easier now, I completely agree with you on the hit it takes on your self esteem. His final messages (vague dump messages) even dared to say he loved me. But the words read empty to me because his actions and words did not line up in any way.
I don’t know if me walking away sooner would have left me in any better of a position, as he is in a transition of his life and I think I would’ve always wondered if I gave up too early on someone who was trying to figure out how to prioritize and manage everything on his plate. So if you can take anything from this: you hung in there and got pushed out. There are no “what ifs” to agonize over in regards to you giving up on him, even if you did some “do not dos”.
I did some therapy at home to heal the immediate pain and processing all my feelings, as well as forgiving myself for accepting so little from someone. I’ve also gone out on a couple of dates and the respect and care that these men have shown me are tenfold what my ex showed. It had gotten so bad in that relationship that I didn’t realize HOW bad it truly was for months!
I have found that healing IS the closure I need, and I’d say to you to just continue to not be in contact with him and focus on your healing as well. When you’re ready to stomach going out on a date or two with some carefully-selected men, do it! For me it opened my eyes and put everything into perspective, it reminded me that yes I am a valuable person just like every other human and once again I’m excited at the thought of one day enjoying a fulfilling relationship with a man who is open to sharing love and respect with me.
As for the slow-fade method, I recall doing something similar at the age of 17. I was terrified of breaking up with my boyfriend who was sweet and adored me, so I avoided him until he confronted me. It’s immature. But I think these guys ultimately don’t want to be with us and don’t know how/don’t have the guts to end it properly. The thing is, they had every right to end things, as no one should be forced to stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in, but ending it more succinctly would save everyone a lot of pain and anguish.
Absolutely agree. There’s nothing to be done but get on with your life and not dwell on the reality that he is GONE and very likely not coming back.
And, I hate to say that. And hate to accept that advice. But it’s so so true.
My recent Ex was extraordinary and a very strong/stubborn type. He really was a gem, nothing like the weaker ones who came before
(I got dumped 3 times in 10 years post-divorce, from my mid-40’s into my mid-50’s. All 3 of them circled back to me eventually, in some cases Years after the break-up and persistently wishing to reunite).
But when I found him I was so glad that the others had not worked out. There was no way I would go back to someone with so much less to offer than this man had.
Now? Now maybe i would have been better off not having met him.
It took more than half my life to meet him. I was so invested. Thought he was, as well. As did my friends and family. Everybody got a great feeling about us together. And now…
I am 56 years old and for the first time since my very early adulthood, I did everything WRONG when this guy dumped me.
Oh the cringe-worthiness…!!
We had been together for 18 months, attended family events, vacations, met one another’s kids, etc.
I just couldn’t believe that he turned away from me when the initial shine wore off. It was like a nightmare unfolding. He grew increasingly critical and distant, so I grew more insecure, so the vicious cycle played itself out.
It didn’t help that I had a one-two punch of life crises that occurred while we were dating (sick child/hospitalization, then a forced move out of my rental and into a temporary rental when I couldn’t find the right affordable house).
And he was highly critical of my decisions in handling those situations.
It also didn’t help that his longterm Ex (with whom he already had reunited once, just prior to meeting me) was waiting in the wings the whole time, visiting frequently, going with him and their adult kids on camping trips, etc.
I mean, it was a giant test in self-discipline not to give in to suspicion and fear.
…a test I sometimes failed.
When he dumped me it was cruel and ugly and I acted weak and despondent.
Unbelievable.
I know better. I have lived, a lot. I am GREAT at the infinite no contact mode!!
But no, not this time. This time I slipped up (at least in the beginning, though now I have almost reached the 2 month mark of no contact and will Not backslide).
Why am I sharing all this here?? I feel like such a fool.
Well. It’s just that You are doing such a good job and I want to tell you so.
You have some great content here. I have read everything I can get my hands on after this particular break-up. And you really have something unique, TRUE and so useful.
Your work is very impressive; stands out from the rest. I am guessing that you are young and wise beyond your years.
So I just want to give you kudos for providing content that really makes sense and helps people.
I guess my sad story was going to come out somewhere, and if it moves you to provide any additional insight, I would gladly be receptive to that.
You are NOT a fool. You are a human… who fell in love.
I see many people online from 40’s and 50’s who still get surprised that they get heartbroken. Luckily it means that you have a heart.
Polish it… nurture it… and it blossoms once again. Faster than you think.
Dumpers who just go away without talking it over or work on the relationship, tend to repeat the same mistakes again and again.
I have personally realized that people have different tempo in life. We all eventually find someone who is walking beside us in the same tempo.
Good job on the two month of no contact…
Good luck ❤️
SCVrush, thank you for that and I won’t give up hope. And I will give myself some credit for arriving at no contact , and maintaining it. I very much appreciate your supportive comment.
Hi Ava.
Thank you for your comment.
As a reader of the blog, you already know that breakup mistakes have to be avoided at all cost. But even if you resorted to begging and pleading, it’s not the end of the world.
You merely (although insecurely) showed your ex that you were serious about the relationship and that you liked him as a person.
He, however, didn’t feel the same way, so he likely wasn’t very impressed by your desperate actions. He probably felt repelled.
So now that things are as they are, you may as well not continue to ruin your image any longer. Show him confidence and prioritize your own well-being.
In doing so, you will give him what he wants (the freedom to do as he pleases) and maybe if you’re lucky, re-attract him just like your other exes.
I don’t intend to give you false hope because, well… hope after the breakup is never good. I’m merely saying that if he changes his mind, you will hear from him.
And if he doesn’t, you’ll be okay too.
You’ll eventually meet someone better and continue to enjoy every single day of your life.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan, thanks so much for taking the time to reply. You’re doing a wonderful job here.
Yes, I am not clinging to any false hopes. I realize how disastrous my behavior was
. I also realize, a bit more everyday, that it’s likely he had arrived at the decision to leave and was just waiting for me to behave in a way that gave him what he perceived as the right reason/ excuse to quit at that moment.
It is kind of you to suggest that I might meet someone who is a better match. And I will keep an open mind, and heart, of course
. Also, given my age and demographics of my region, There is also a very real possibility I will remain unPartnered from here on out. I have seen it happen in Greater Metro areas ( it’s just a matter of population distribution and an excess of women) and those women seem to put together reasonably happy lives on their as well
. I don’t like that prospect but I’m going to put together the happiest life I can from here on out and focus on other things. This is not to say I’m giving up, only to say that I am aware with each passing year of the probabilities here…
Glad that you are here and I always look forward to your latest blog.
Hi Ava.
It’s not wrong to focus on yourself and your own happiness.
As a matter of fact, your chances of finding someone when you’re not looking for him are much, much higher anyway. And that’s because you don’t have any expectations, nor needs to bond with another person.
You simply radiate as your best independent self—which is just so attractive.
Kind regards,
Zan
Ava, I’m 20 years your junior and your message gives me hope. You are still open to love after all these heartbreaks. I’ve been through a divorce already and one post-divorce heartbreak. Firstly because I will also probably see my exes come back around (hehee) but also because I don’t have to become hardened and give up on love. You’re not a fool and I don’t even feel like your story is a sad one, as it doesn’t sound finished!
Hey Carly, Thanks So Much for your reply. I feel buoyed when my stories give hope or perspective or are useful in any way to younger people.
In all honestly I go through my cycles. I have felt hopeless at times, and angry/demoralized. But, ultimately becoming embittered is just more punishment, this time self-imposed.
As underlined by Zan in his reply, I have been through several cycles of not even looking for love but just working on myself. These periods alone, in my experience, can last Years when you are older, so it takes a high level of patience and strength.
And, though people often say that the love that finds you when you’re not looking is the Truest Love, I have had mixed results with relationships that started out that way as well..
I sure hope that my story isn’t over, as I would prefer life with a partner.
But I am ready for another phase of just being Whole and focussed on my own life outside of intimate relationships. Finding places like this website really make a difference too. Glad you are here and hope things go well for you from here on out.
Hello there. I’m devastated and going through something similar. Did he ever come back? It’s been over a year now.
can you do one about girls’ mind? thanks.
Absolutely, shesgone. 😁
Stay tuned.