If your ex broke up with you and shattered your self-esteem, you likely feel extremely eager (if not desperate) to text your ex. You feel like time is ticking and that every passing day makes you feel more disconnected from your ex and less likely to reconnect.
The thought of drifting away from your ex makes you anxious and kills your hope of having a successful relationship with your ex.
I get that you’re scared, but you need to know that texting your ex won’t change your ex’s opinion and feelings. It won’t make your ex realize that he or she has made a terrible mistake and that giving you another chance is the sensible thing to do.
Begging won’t have that effect.
It may guilt-trip your ex, but it probably won’t make the dumper come back. When the dumper does come back because of begging, he or she pities the dumpee and is in total control of the breakup. More often than not, the dumper leaves again due to a loss of respect, interest, and love.
So whatever you do, don’t text your ex to reason with your ex. Any kind of reasoning will only make you look impulsive and weak. It will tell your ex you’re having a difficult time controlling your emotions and that leaving you was the right thing to do.
As a dumpee, you shouldn’t be texting your ex. You should be moving on from your ex and waiting for your ex to text you first. The person reaching out wants something from the other person. Whether it’s attention, reassurance, or love, he or she has expectations.
You can’t be the one who expects things from the dumper because if you are, you’ll pressure the dumper and make the dumper respond in ways that he or she usually responds to pressure. This implies that the dumper could block you, ignore you, or even get a restraining order against you.
I can’t predict how your ex will react, but if you reach out on your terms, you can expect him or her to feel trapped, guilt-tripped, and annoyed.
Sure, if your ex wants to be friends, your ex might appreciate you reaching out and try to friend zone you.
In other words, your ex will reach out for non-romantic purposes whenever he or she feels like talking to you. That will confuse your wounded heart, give you hope, and string you along for ages.
You can avoid getting breadcrumbed by your ex and seeing how little your ex cares romantically by remembering that no contact is your only option. You must remind yourself that you can’t text your ex and attempt to make your ex feel something for you.
Your ex won’t redevelop feelings as long as your ex perceives you the way he or she does and thinks the breakup liberated him or her.
So instead of giving in to anxiety and fear, convince yourself that texting your ex after the breakup is a huge breakup mistake. It’s one of the worst things you could do if you want to impress your ex and reattract him or her.
As an ex, you shouldn’t communicate with your ex anymore. You have nothing to say to your ex unless you work together or have kids, mortgage, or some other unfinished business. Your job as the rejected person is to work on accepting the breakup and letting go of control.
You must detach to the point where you understand that you can’t gain anything by texting your ex. By reaching out, you will only learn unnecessary things (things you’re not ready for) and suffer again.
It doesn’t matter if your ex dumped you because you cheated, lied, neglected the relationship, or wouldn’t quit drinking or smoking weed. If your ex didn’t specifically tell you he or she will give you another chance after you’ve resolved certain problems, you don’t have a choice but to follow the strict indefinite no contact rule.
This rule will help you detach from your ex and find meaning outside of the relationship. Although this may not be what you want, it’s what you need. You have to wean off your ex and live an independent life.
That won’t just make you happier but also make you look more attractive. Your ex will respect you more and think about you more and in a better light if you stay away from him or her and focus on goals, family, friends, and things that give you joy and meaning.
Anything that makes you look independent is a good thing for you and your ex.
So again, don’t text your ex when you have the urge to text your ex. Don’t beg, explain, complain, inquire, guilt-trip, insult, or threaten. The end of the relationship means the end of communication and the relationship as you know it.
You must act like an ex rather than a friend or someone who secretly wants another chance. If you don’t accept the breakup and adapt, your ex will feel disrespected and cornered. He or she will likely do something you don’t like.
In today’s article, we discuss why you shouldn’t text your ex after the breakup. We talk about why dumpees mustn’t reach out and when it’s okay to text your ex.
Don’t text your ex if you got dumped!
The breakup probably hurts like hell, but despite that, you mustn’t act on pain and text your ex. You mustn’t make your problems your ex’s problems because your ex either doesn’t understand how you feel or doesn’t care about it.
Either way, your ex has plenty of better things and people to focus on. Your ex feels relieved and wants to keep feeling relieved for as long as possible. Your problems and emotions in general could interrupt your ex’s happiness and overwhelm your ex with guilt.
People react differently to guilt. Some people (those who know they messed up or hurt their ex) tend to help their ex. As for those who feel victimized, they get angry and show their ex how little their ex means to them.
Such people should not be talked to. They should be avoided and left alone. Talking to them is meaningless because they think their ex wants unreasonable things from them and that they can’t benefit from talking to their ex.
Although your ex could give you closure (not heal you), I suggest that you avoid texting someone who ghosted you, ignored you, blocked you, or treated you poorly. If your ex was cold and heartless, your ex probably won’t appreciate your reach-out.
On the contrary, he or she will feel pressured by it and feel tempted to react instinctually. An instinctual response is any response that is said or done in self-defense. Typically, it’s a reaction to pain and perceived threat.
So don’t text your ex if you got dumped and want to talk to your ex. Don’t call your ex either. You don’t need your ex to get closure and heal. You can figure out what went wrong and why your ex acted the way he/she did by analyzing your ex’s behavior and talking to people who’ve been through a similar situation before.
Breakups happen for a reason. The exact reason may be hidden or known, but you can’t fix it on your own. Even if you’re solely responsible for the breakup (which you’re not), the real problem isn’t the things you did to hurt your ex’s feelings.
It’s your ex’s perception of you and his or her unwillingness or inability to see you differently.
Dumpers don’t admit this, but they take breakups personally. They view their ex negatively and feel certain that their ex is the cause of the breakup and their suffering. Even if the reason they left is because they met someone else, they tell themselves lies and convince themselves the relationship wasn’t working.
This is how they gaslight themselves and turn the situation to their advantage.
Not all dumpers are bad people, of course. Many dumpers care about their ex and truly want their ex to be happy. But sadly, many dumpers care only because they feel bad. When they stop feeling bad or if their ex wants something from them, they soon turn mean and cold and lose the desire to converse.
They retreat into their shell and mind their own business.
I’ve seen all kinds of dumpers in life. I’ve seen dumpers who responded to their ex politely, dumpers who responded impolitely, and dumpers who responded for the sake of responding.
None of them wanted their ex back. They merely did what made the most sense to them.
Don’t think that your ex will change his or her mind about you when you text your ex. It’s unlikely that your ex will have an epiphany and be ready to take you back when you reach out. It’s much more likely that your ex will feel disrespected and annoyed and do something you’re not emotionally ready for.
Don’t text your ex even if your ex is having difficulties in a new relationship and seems to be nostalgic and regretful. Your ex may be posting sad things on social media that give you hope, but don’t contact your ex because of what you see online.
If your ex wants you back, your ex will come to you him/herself. Your ex won’t play mind games with you and wait for you to check up on him or her. Your ex will be in too big a hurry to reconcile and feel loved.
That being said, here’s why you shouldn’t text your ex.
When can you text your ex?
You can text your ex when your ex invites you to text and/or when you know (not feel or hope) that your ex will respond and help you with your problems. It’s okay to text your ex when your ex is an empathetic individual who genuinely cares about you and wants to answer your questions and give you closure.
Such an ex will likely decrease your separation anxiety and fears of being replaced and forgotten. That doesn’t mean you should text your ex every day, though. Your empathetic ex can be someone you occasionally lean on for support. He or she can’t be the person who guides you through the whole detachment process.
You have to remember that your ex broke up with you to focus on himself. Your ex probably doesn’t have the will to pursue his goals and help you at the same time. Maybe your ex can help you right after the breakup when the breakup is the most difficult, but your ex probably won’t want to help you weeks or months after.
At some point, you must find your own strength to deal with the breakup. The sooner you gather the strength to cope with the breakup without your ex, the less dependent you will be on your ex for self-love and healing.
This means you’ll stop hurting and feeling that you need to text your ex to make yourself feel better.
So know that it’s okay to feel the need to text your ex. What you feel is perfectly normal. It’s not okay, however, to pin your expectations on your ex for things that don’t concern your ex anymore. If your ex lacks sympathy and care, you have nothing to talk to your ex about.
You should text someone who accepts you and supports you unconditionally. That someone can be a friend, family member, coworker, or anyone but your ex.
Text your ex only when:
- you have kids together
- you need to talk about mortgage or finances
- your ex respects and values you and wants to help you understand the reasons for breaking up
- you’re both over each other and want to be friends
You should have a backup plan for when anxiety strikes and makes you want to text your ex. A backup plan can be a person to talk to, a hobby to engage in, a goal to pursue, or a way to talk yourself out of texting your ex.
You can remind yourself that texts and calls will have a negative effect on your ex and that your ex will like you less because of them.
An understanding of what breaking no contact will do is essential. If you understand the consequences of reaching out without an invitation, you’ll know that texting your ex is not an option and that your ex needs to come to you (not vice versa).
If you come to your ex, you’ll make your ex feel uncomfortable and complicate the situation even more. So instead of texting your ex, find a way to ignore the temptations to reach out and push through the storm.
It will get easier with time because you’ll learn to resist the need to talk to your ex and receive his or her validation.
When you get your ex out of your system, you’ll see that no contact helped you rebuild your self-esteem and regain your strength.
I hope you’ve learned why you can’t text your ex. If you have any questions or would like to share your story, feel free to do so below.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
