It’s completely normal to sometimes wonder if dumpers regret breaking up with you. If you recently got dumped, your happiness probably depends on this information because it gives you hope that your ex will one day want to communicate with you and get back with you.
It sucks, but when your ex broke up with you, your ex crushed your ego and self-esteem. He or she made you feel unimportant and hurt you badly. That’s why you’re now looking for validation which is information that dumpers regret breaking up with their exes after a while.
Although there’s nothing wrong with learning more about dumpers’ behavior, you need to know that too much false hope can stop you from moving on. It can make you think that all dumpers regret leaving their exes and that your ex will too after a while.
Some hope-giving breakup experts certainly say that most exes come back, but you need to know that dumpers who lose feelings for their exes don’t return very quickly (if ever). They return only if they get hurt and fail to create a happy self-fulfilling life for themselves.
Of course, there’s more to reconciliations than just that. Dumpers’ remorse also kicks in when you’re doing well without dumpers. Not when you’re dating highly attractive people but when you’re doing great and they’re not. That’s when they become regretful and want a piece of the pie.
This means that if you’re begging and pleading with your ex and trying to force your ex to come back, you need to stop doing that. Not only will such behaviors annoy your ex and show you don’t have your life together, but they’ll also make your ex lose all respect for you and see no reason to get back with you.
To make your ex think about you and miss you, you must follow a strict regimen of indefinite no contact. No contact means no texting, calling, or interacting with your ex in any way, shape, or form (not even liking your ex’s pictures). If your ex broke up with you, your ex needs to see that you’re independent, unavailable, and unwilling to provide relationship benefits.
Your ex lost all benefits the moment he or she broke up with you and decided to go solo.
Now that you’re in no contact, you’re most likely dealing with the
Not all dumpers come back because not all dumpers:
- improve their shortcomings
- realize their dumpees’ worth
- fail so badly that they fall back on their exes
So if you want to know if your ex will ever regret breaking up with you and come back to invest in you, know that it depends on many things. Most things are out of your control because you can’t predict what will happen to your ex while he or she is away from you.
You don’t know if your ex will date other people and fail or if your ex will take things slow for a while and not do anything that could make him or her reflect.
If the breakup just occurred and it was a real breakup (not a fakeup), your ex will need to go through the 5 breakup stages first.
He or she will need to process negative breakup emotions and discern you weren’t the cause of his or her unhappiness and the grass is greener syndrome. You were the person who supported your ex and remained loyal until the very end.
Most breakups feel sudden, but the reality is that dumpers usually aren’t spontaneous. They normally think long and hard before they break up with their dumpees and focus on themselves. This is the reason why they feel so relieved after the breakup.
Relief occurs because they feel smothered for days or weeks prior to the breakup and need a way to escape a situation they no longer want to be in. And once they finally escape it, they free themselves from all obligations and enjoy their newfound freedom.
You need to make sure your ex doesn’t string you along with meaningless post-breakup messages. If you decide to communicate with your ex (even if your ex reaches out first), you’ll show you’re willing to be your ex’s friend. And that will, in turn, tell your ex that he or she can take as much time as needed to explore other options and not worry about a thing.
I’m not saying that turning down friendship will make your ex come back for sure, but it will make your ex respect you and leave you alone to heal.
This post is for dumpees who wonder if dumpers regret breaking up with dumpers after a while.
Do dumpers regret breaking up with you?
Right after your breakup, your ex feels no remorse. He or she is extremely relieved and enjoys the space your lack of presence provides. Your ex no longer worries about how you’ll handle the breakup and what his or her friends and family will think.
All your ex has to think about is his or her own life and stay distracted as much as possible.
This is the reason why so many dumpers appear unaffected by the breakup. They feel so relieved from the end of their suffocating relationship that they just want to disassociate from their old lifestyles and be completely independent of their exes.
This is especially true for couples who were together for a very long time. Long-term couples wish to regain their identity, so they go out more, dress differently, and do the things they previously condemned.
To dumpees, they appear unrecognizable, strange, different, and even fake. This depends on how elated dumpers feel and how badly dumpees need their exes to validate their feelings.
If you’re worried your ex has changed or evolved since the breakup, rest assured that your ex hasn’t. Your ex is merely exploring the world and chasing after external happiness. Once relief wanes and your ex loses the energy to do all these new exciting things, your ex will revert to his or her old self.
Sure, your ex will likely keep certain hobbies and friends, but all in all, your ex will remain the same person inside. A couple of months of relief are not enough for dumpers to change. To change, they need to reflect the way dumpees do rather than focus on enjoying themselves.
Will the dumper ever regret breaking up with you?
It’s hard to say with certainty whether and when your ex will come back. If you were truly good to your ex-partner and the relationship was stable and functional, your ex may at some point in the future regret breaking up with you. This depends on what your ex does and who he or she gets involved with after the breakup.
If your ex dates someone who hurts your ex and forces your ex to become nostalgic, your ex will likely remember that you were a better match for him or her and send you a message to see what you’re up to. But if your ex dates people who are just so so, then your ex likely won’t come back.
At least not until he or she has failed in some important way and reflected on his or her mistakes.
Some things that can help the dumper regret leaving you are failed rebound relationships, health issues, family drama, stress, depression, and a need for validation.
These things attract an ex back more often than healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is just one of the conditions for dumpers to remember the good times and return to you. It’s not the main reason exes come back as some people assume.
So keep in mind that dumpers’ regret kicks in when things don’t go according to plan for them. They become regretful when someone or something hurts them and forces them to look for validation, happiness, and stability with their exes.
So while you’re waiting for your ex to have an epiphany, portray yourself in a confident light. Instead of pestering your ex with calls and messages, start no contact and stay in it until you hear from your ex. It could take your ex a very long time to reach out, but even if it takes years, you must stay away from your ex.
Unless your ex reaches out and shows interest, your ex is of no use to you. At least not romantically.
Always remember that your ex has to put in the work because when your ex does, your ex will start to see your worth and value you for the person you are. An emotional investment is necessary because without it, your ex will take you for granted again and leave when he or she gets bored, tired, or preoccupied.
No matter how tempted you feel to break no contact and reach out to your ex first, remind yourself that you can’t be the one to take the initiative with your ex. Your ex abandoned you, so chasing your ex and hoping your ex will come back is a waste of time.
By chasing your ex, all you’ll do is show you want to be with your ex very badly and emotionally overwhelm your ex with your expectations and/or demands. You might even guilt-trip your ex and cause your ex to push you away.
That’s why it’s better to stick with the rules of no contact and let your ex come to you after a breakup. This is the only way your ex will see that you’re handling the breakup well and that it’s safe to reach out to you and see how you’re doing.
Breadcrumbs from your ex wouldn’t necessarily make things better, of course, but at least your ex wouldn’t be afraid of communicating with you. Your ex would respect you for keeping yourself together and may not give up on the idea of getting back together completely.
Do dumpers come back after months?
More often than not, dumpers come back months or years after the breakup. That’s because they need lots of time to process the breakup and realize that the person they left was actually good for them.
The more time goes by, the more time dumpers have to run into problems and reflect on their past relationships. Time is, therefore, good for you as it lets your ex do what he or she wants and makes it possible for him or her to hit a snag.
So if you’re wondering if dumpers regret breaking up with you and come back after months, keep in mind that they do. They usually return because they can’t find what they’re looking for on their own or with someone else. In other words, they fail to stay happy after the breakup, so they come running back to the ex who loved them and made them feel secure.
To make your ex see your worth and want to be with you, give your ex a chance to be free and do what your ex wants. Let your ex be free even if your ex is dating other people.
Remember that dumpers come back after months of their own accord because they can’t handle the stressors and realizations life throws at them. And because they can’t handle them, they sometimes return to their recent exes to rely on them for emotional support and validation.
No one can tell whether your ex will seek your help and approval, but if you remain strong during no contact and your ex needs your strength, chances are that your ex will reach out and want your assistance.
So for now, commit to no contact and wait for your ex to make the first move. You’ll know your ex wants you back when your ex invites you out, tells you he/she wants to be with you, and appears to be in a hurry to reconnect with you.
The real reason why dumpers regret breaking up with you
Dumpers regret breaking up with dumpees when they’re miserable while their exes are happy. That’s when they do whatever it takes to find their exes, contact them, apologize to them, and emotionally depend on them.
Not all dumpers verbally express that they want their exes back, of course, but all regretful dumpers non-verbally show that they’re in pain and that they want another chance.
That’s why all you have to do is wait in no contact and focus on yourself. Don’t obsessively look for signs that your ex wants you back because that’s completely unnecessary. You’ll know if your ex wants you back if your ex doesn’t let you go. At least not before your ex makes sure you don’t want to be with him or her.
So if you’re trying to figure out why dumpers regret breaking up with their exes after a while, know that it’s because they’re unhappy. They don’t like the way things turned out for them and need dumpees to show give them love and support.
All you need from your ex is to contact you and make plans with you. Everything else will fall in place on its own.
Dumpers come back when you’ve moved on!
Dumpers come back when you’ve moved on and no longer care about them. They don’t come back just because it hurts their ego, but also because they redevelop respect for their exes and realize they’ve made a big mistake.
Dumpers then become unhappy and want to stop feeling unhappy, so they find their exes and see if their exes still like them and want to be with them. If their exes are extremely excited to hear from them, they oftentimes get validated and stop talking to their exes. They feel too overwhelmed to keep communicating with their exes.
Only dumpees who don’t need their exes make a good impression on their exes. That’s because they exude confidence, which is the most desirable trait a person can have.
With that said, don’t just wait for the dumper to come back to you. Waiting is going to make you look desperate and will likely scare your ex off when he or she reaches out and sees you need him or her more than ever.
Instead, do what you can to move on and your chances of reconciliation will be as high as they can be.
Do female dumpers regret breaking up?
Female dumpers come back slightly less often than male dumpers. But from my observations, male dumpers sometimes leave again shortly after coming back. They get bored or tired and leave if they don’t develop enough love and respect for their exes.
Both male and female dumpers come back because they thought they’d be happier without their exes. Dumpers essentially discover that their exes made decent romantic partners and that they took their exes for granted. This then makes them anxious and forces them to get back with their exes before someone else takes interest in their exes.
Female dumpers tend to suffer from depression and mental disorders more often than male dumpers. Their unhappiness motivates them to look inward and encourages them to figure out if they’d made the right decision.
That’s because they’re in pain and in a hurry to stop the pain. You need to be aware of that so you know why female dumpers come back.
How to make her regret breaking up with you?
To make your ex regret breaking up with you, you must leave her completely alone. Allow your ex to experience life without you and go through the 4 stages of the grass is greener syndrome.
You can’t make her regret breaking up with you directly by talking to her and posting a lot of positive pictures. But you can give her enough space to think about the breakup and figure out whether she’s happy.
If she realizes you were the best guy she ever dated and the last guy she wants to date, she’ll want you back and reach out. But hopefully, you won’t be desperate to get back with her if she returns just to obtain validation from you. Hopefully, you’ll have learned your worth and will take the time to discover her intentions and whether she’s learned her lessons.
How often do male dumpers come back?
When male dumpers abandon their exes, they normally focus on enjoying themselves and not thinking about their exes. All they want is to focus on themselves and other people. But when those other people disappoint them or hurt them, something very important happens. Suddenly, they stop associating negative thoughts and feelings with their exes and start thinking more fondly of them.
They start thinking that their exes weren’t that bad in comparison to their current girlfriends/ex-girlfriends and that they need to see if their exes want them back.
It’s hard to say how often male dumpers regret breaking up with their exes because every guy is different. But we can say that those who get involved with the wrong kinds of people often do. Those guys realize that their ex-girlfriends were their healthiest and best options and that they need to get them back before it’s too late.
Did your male or female dumper break up with you? Are you hoping that he or she will regret breaking up with you one day? Post your comment below the article.
And if you’d like to talk with us about your ex and dumpers coming back, sign up for coaching with us on this page.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan!
Your articles have helped me a lot. Thanks for writing them.
So I needed some advice..
My boyfriend of 5 years(4 years clg+1 year LDR) broke up with me last month saying he never loved in the last 5 years and functioned and did everything for me out of fear of rejection and fear of losing me. He was a people pleaser. I had an idea about his different behaviour patterns but I trusted him completely. We had plans for future together even. He always pampered me and never brought out my faults out to me. I was honest and truthful to him and my feelings were genuine. Over the years of LDR, he went back to his parents’ home. So he has a history of childhood trauma and poor self-esteem and he said he doesn’t feel worthy of love and that’s why he behaved in a certain way to be accepted by me while I had no idea that it was not his real self. I loved him truly for all his good and bad. Now he said he felt suffocated, and was suffering in the relationship while I feel betrayed, used and broken because of not knowing what was real and what was fake. He was the most perfect bf. Most caring, loving and never could anyone doubt that he doesn’t love me. But now I feel my image of 5 years of our lives together and whatever memories we build has been shattered and I don’t know how many lies he told me or did he truly ever love me or saw me as a friend even. I feel he used me and discarded when he no longer needed me after going back home. How do I deal with these emotions…
Part 2
Also he broke up with me at a very crucial time of my life when I had a medical entrance exam 2 months later. It was breaking point of my career while he got a seat in a good University, he didn’t think twice how I would be able to focus on my studies and cope up simultaneously.
He was telling me all the romantic stuff 5 days before break-up and then he said suddenly that he doesn’t feel anything for me and never loved me even. I don’t know how much of it was just a method to gain some validation from me and when he felt he didn’t need that acceptance anymore he just ditched me citing psychiatric issues behind the relationship while I feel he might have found someone else to give him validation.
It’s like he never valued me enough if he didn’t think how much this would hurt me and my future career prospects. It’s like I don’t know who he is. How could he be so selfish and unrecognisable.
Hi Bibble.
Your ex is probably rediscovering himself and interpreting things wrongly. He must have learned that some of the things he did in the relationship with you were out of low self-esteem, so he’s now assuming that his love for you was fake. This isn’t true, Bibble. He may have been a people pleaser, but he still had feelings for you otherwise he wouldn’t have stayed for so long.
You have to do no contact and let him believe what he wants to believe. It seems that he still has a lot to learn about himself. I suggest you get busy and spend lots of time with people. They’ll help you see light at the end of the tunnel.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex Girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago. It was very sudden. We had a purse we used to put money in together. I used it for buying some groceries and booze IN September and dint tell her as I was going to replace it before the end of the month. I realize that it was cool to not tell her that I used it, but I was drinking alot and my judgement wasn’t great. Long story short she kicked me out of the apt and said we are done as a couple. Since then we have seen one another as I moved my stuff out. I can tell she is so Miserable and heart broken. She has alot going on in her life right now with other stresses. I truly wish I hadn’t done what I did, but she said that was a deal breaker for her. Is there any way I can get that trust back? As of now, I have been doing Yoga, working out and seeing a Therapist to help with my issues related to the event. Looking for advice.
Thanks
Hi Brian.
You have to wait for her to become ready to trust you again. She won’t trust you if you try to force your way in. So give her more time than she needs and focus on yourself. Your priority should be healing and detaching from her.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello Zan,
I agree. I have been taking care of myself and making sure I am good. She is still not letting me get my stuff from her place though which I find odd. I am giving her her space until she decides what she wants. I did see her at a bar a few days ago. We spoke for 15 minutes, tried to get the conversation going towards when I can get my stuff back. We hugged and she later sent a message that I was looking great as I have lost alot of weight and am getting in shape. Hopefully at some point she and I can speak more, but for now. Its all about me.
Thanks for listening. I will keep you guys posted about what happens after.
Brian
Hi Brian.
If your stuff isn’t that important, tell her to message you/your friends to give your things back when she’s ready to do that. But if you badly need your stuff back, involve her friends and family and have them talk to her. She shouldn’t be keeping you hooked like that.
Best,
Zan
Update:
I went to finally get my stuff on Saturday. Moved it into the hallway…She locked the door no more than a second after I did. She was very bitter, short and super unfriendly to me and the boys who helped. I could tell she was concerned about something, but it isn’t my problem anymore. I believe that even if you are breaking up with someone, hold your head up, be nice and walk away like a normal Human would. Unfortunately she isn’t. Sometimes it says something about the person. I hope for nothing but the best for her and hope she fixes her issues.
Maybe one day we can actually sit in the same room together and be friendly.
Cheers for now. time to move forward and take care of myself.
Brian
Thanks for the update, Brian.
It looks like your ex isn’t capable of being friendly at this point. She’s angry, so she associates that anger even with those who are on your side. I think it will take her quite some time to cool off. You shouldn’t be around until she does.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex stopped viewing my Instagram stories but only views my Snapchat stories it seems like. Now, I sometimes don’t view his Instagram stories because I don’t want it to seem like I care too much. He also finally deleted our pictures off Instagram almost two weeks of saying that he thinks we need to take a break and that he needs space. He seems like he’s unbothered, and not even regretting it.
I was a good girlfriend and although I had my moments, I did so much for him and loved him with my whole heart. 🙁 His first girlfriend he had, sophomore year of hs which was 4-5 years ago only lasted a few months and he dumped her. I’m his second girlfriend and we lasted for a year and a half. What him and I had was so passionate and then he slowly stopped driving an hour and 30 to come to my house, like he lost the motivation. 🙁 Is he far gone ?
He called me babe and hun the day of the break up which leaves me to think… was it what I said earlier that day? Did I do something wrong?
PART 2
I got mad at him because he barely was coming here , the last time he was at my house was august 5th and that was because he was stopping by on his way home from a few day trip with his guy friends. I grew angry because I wanted him to see my family and be involved with my family too, and that’s why I would get frustrated . He’s off from his job for two whole weeks after being stuck on a boat for 2 whole weeks. He said he’s always so busy but he’s off for 14 days, so he could find a day or 2 to stay at my house? He used to have no problem coming here and making it work when he was working his 2 jobs that were all day everyday!!! I know it’s just a loss of motivation after watching many videos from relationship coaches, and I know that there was a loss of attraction and it could be because I had insecure moments about myself, who knows… but will he ever regret leaving me? I just wanted his love and time, I was very sweet to him 😔
Whatever, so the day of when he asks for a break he said he’ll drive down because he wants to have his truck but then we drive separately and I come back to his house so he didn’t have to drive that way back, which was different so I told him to forget it… in that moment I felt like it was a chore, and didn’t want to do the drive alone if we’re going to the same place 😔
Hi Anonymous.
Your ex took you for granted and lost the will to invest in the relationship. That’s why you slowly drifted apart and ultimately broke up. Your ex needs more dating experience before he can appreciate your good qualities and commit to staying in love long-term. Anyone can be infatuated, but not everyone has what it takes to stay loyal.
Kind regards,
Zan
January this year i found i was pregnant. i was both scared and happy because i really wanted the baby, but i also knew it would put my boyfriends life in a bind. truth is i had been planning to break up with him because he had a family and it always made me feel bad.
the pregnancy complicated the whole situation and made me very anxious. i was sad all the time and depressed. right before 10 wks i had a miscarriage. Logically nature had answered and sorted the situation. Emotionally i was torn apart. i never expected much from him but i atleast expected some empathy from him because at that moment i felt like i was dying. all i kept thinking was my poor baby. that poor soul has suffered for my sins. i was so heart broken
5 days after i had the evacuation procedure he sat across from me and said to me to my face that he loved his family. he said to me i was directing my love at the wrong person and so he broke up with me. i sat their still bleeding and felt so humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed, rejected and dejected. i was so numb i couldn’t cry. all i could manage was an ok i hear you.
before he left he says to me the talk was a great idea and he felt so relieved that he was able to get things off his chest. he says we should be try to atleast be civil with each other going forward. everything was being shredded on my insides. i felt like i would throw up my heart. as he got up to leave he asked for a hug. which i gave him and he says to me try and get some sleep and dont think too much.
i felt like i was being punked. its been 09 months since the break up. we have had interactions after that. not pleasant if i might add. he is trying to be nice and i hate it so much. his being nice to me makes me feel sick. i just wish he would disappear. truth is i would be happy if i never met him again.
Hi Lizo.
You can be happy. But you’ll have to stop talking to your ex and start living separate lives.
He wasn’t considerate of your emotions at all and even blamed you during one of the worst times of your life, so don’t settle for friendship. Ask him not to reach out to you so you can process the breakup.
It will take time to pull all this stress behind you, but if you start today, you’ll get used to living without him in a few months. Make sure to surround yourself with caring friends and family. They will support you better than your ex can.
Best regards,
Zan
My fiancé has also just left me about a month and a half ago. We were together 8 years and engaged a little over one. We also just bought our first home less than a year ago. I have been in a rental since two weeks after the break up. He said he isn’t in love with me and wants to be alone. Did you ever reconnect or talk with your ex again?
could be narcissistic behavior.
So, how would it be interpreted when he (the dumper) appears after ten years, saying he “misses you”; “haven’t stopped thinking about you”; “his heart started beating fast at the moment you replied to his message”?. What does it mean that this would happen only after ten years!!! After he already had moved on and made a family! What held him back all those years… why suddenly after ten years!!! Does that mean that despite all those years he still thinks about you or the other way around that you meant not that much to him to the extent it took him that long to consider sending to you!!! Any explanations or opinions??? Thanks….
my ex and i broke up after 18 yrs the only problem we had was because of his work we didn’t get to spend alot of time together and he broke it off becaise he tjought he was be a bad boyfriend. he then ghosted me for weeks and this destroyed me he called me not so long ago and told me he still and will always love me and too not shut out his mum and his mum not to shut me out after seeing his mum she expressed how sorry she was and told me hes been struggling with deciding on weather to quit his job. i told my ex that i tjought he was trying to get me move on by ghosting me ( he was told by a tarot card reader that i would find someone new ). He is encouraging my to live my life but also ssys he still loves me always will. Now has gone back to ghosting me.
Pearl: My ex boyfriend broke up with me, he is stubborn man, and since we broke up he’s been rude, cold and sarcastic.
We’re still living in the same house because of the COVID 19, but I move to the guest room.
Some days he is nice with me, but it’s like he realised that he is been nice and just turned to be serious again.
Sadly enough we share some area in the house, and for him everything annoying him. I just cough his phone unlocked and I saw that when he told with other people he is the lively man that I met.
I’m really depressed and sad because we are spending the quarantine just talk like two strangers.
In few more day I will move out this apartment, but he knows where I go, because it’s our new house.
I hope this physical distance between us, make us think about it.
He is so focus in his new friends now. He does not care about what’s going on with me at all.
Hey pearl.. be strong, if it’s meant to be he will always put you first…
I just went through a pretty bad breakup and feel broken. Me and my ex started talking during April 2020 and then seeing each other in August 2020. We instantly clicked the moment we met in person and then went on all sorts of adventures. At that moment we were official in August. Everything was perfect literally no problem we would have the occasional argument but nothing major. We then started uni soon after meeting in person and it was all fine I would visit her and she would come down to me . We lived 1 hour 30 mins apart by train. So then one time I went to visit her during November and we had the best week of our lives and then I had to go back home. A week later I could tell she was a bit upset well she didn’t sound like her self on the phone. I asked her and she drops that “I don’t know if I want a relationship”. She sounded so confused and upset like she genuinely didn’t know if that thought she got was irrational or real. So then I go and meet her the next day and we sat down and talk and I tried to understand her. She was so confused telling me to ignore what she’s saying and that she’s overthinking it and then she would change her mind and say she wanted a break like a stop to the relationship to see how it goes. I even asked her you never got these thoughts when I came to visit you the first time and she agreed and said she never. Anyways I agreed on giving her space without a doubt and then she sent me a message after I left that day saying “ she can’t wait to get back into a relationship with me” this was my hope whilst we didn’t talk for a month because of the break we gave each other. Now in December she messaged me first after a month of no contact saying I’m so sorry but I don’t know why I don’t want a relationship and she was so upset like she couldn’t explain it at all. She said she wants to not have that commitment and that she’s scared and she doesn’t want that feeling of someone s there in her life. I was so shocked by it because even she said the memories we had during the summer were the best in her life and so was mine. So then I met her one last time after she sent me that message. I was so upset yet I went with good intentions never to manipulate her. And so we talked and she was telling me how good we were and that she’s gonna miss me a lot , yet when I would ask this doesn’t need to happen you know , she would be like I don’t want a relationship and again be confused. She was saying how she wanted to enjoy her life and her second year of uni. I was confused because I always encouraged her to go out with her friends and socialise and have fun , I never once was controlling in my life. But then again her first year was really bad because her ex was really controlling and didn’t let her go out to events. Anyways that day was the last time I hugged her and saw her face we were both holding each other so close whilst crying outside the train station and I then left. I really loved this girl and I know her past has affected her a lot which really saddens me because I couldn’t help her. I’m not gonna make the mistake of messaging her because I know it’s not the right thing and I promised her i wouldn’t as we are broken up. But we ended it on a good terms as we still have love and respect for each other. No one has deleted or removed anyone. I still have her number she still has mine. I’m hoping she comes back and realises that we were actually special together. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate that to help me feel better and understand the situation.
Just read your post. I’m so sorry and feel your pain. I pray she comes back to you. Seems she’s very confused. And having commute between you both is hard for her to navigate. Show her kindness, empathy and that you’ll take most of stress off her. If you desire. She sounds like she’s very scared of getting deep into it with you then whatever happening down the road. Which, would end things ultimately and she doesn’t want that pain for either you. Especially being in abusive relationship, she definitely has some pause there and rightfully so. That’s why I’m saying show her kindness and empathy as much as possible so she feels safe and protected by you. I feel she’s leaving open lines of communication so that’s good. You can read mine below to relate. Sorry if it’s long. Yours is identical to my current situation. After reading mine, you may think I’m little depressed by her putting us on pause. Which, I am. No problem admitting that. I’ve been through a lot of past hurt as yours has and mine has. That definitely can impact and confuse things.
We started a month later than yours for timing perspective. She told me right before Christmas not to disappear, needs to make sure she can juggle her kids, job, me and other things, she told me she’s not blocking me or me not too as we’ll talk, needs to make sure of our relationship or wanting it (similar to yours). I feel she’s partially stringing me along as backup plan. Few people have said that. They’ve also said she has eye on another guy and has grass is greener syndrome. They’ve also said she just became not interested suddenly, which makes zero sense.
I did help her a lot more than normally would when dating via emotionally, physically, and such. I basically opened my home to her, gave her home so to speak. She was just in little limbo at first. Mostly because of hurt and issues she’s suffered from in past. I’m freakin devastated. I’ve never felt so heartbroken after a break or break up and I’ve had plenty in life. I have a son so I’m very in tune with my feelings and need to be very careful as well. I told her right from the jump – when she was telling me how she’s never felt like this with a guy before – that I cannot get hurt nor will I do anything to place her in position where she’ll get hurt. That’s critical with kids involved even though her and I are in our 30’s. But, every fiber in my gut, head, heart tells me she’s “it”. She has shared the same. I’ve never felt so strong and sure about another person. Frankly, it scares me some, and I told her towards end of November that it does scare me a little how we feel, and she was very sweet understanding that. Any little arguments we had, I took and take complete blame for. I did start getting more needy recently, but nothing that warranted her pausing us. Heck, she’s needy at times too, so what. I just reassure her as it’s not a big deal or burden doing that. I’d always make sure to reassure her as she mentioned because of couple past things like her being cheated on multiple times, and similar. She did share she’s gone back to exes before when they cheated as she’s trusting perosn, believes in second chances like I do. She told me she’s never cheated before. Due to our kids schedules and her new job, we weren’t seen each other as much the past few weeks.
It’s hard as hell, and I miss the hell out of her like nobody ever before. I miss her laugh and small things like that. I’m really trying to separate emotion and logic here. A couple people have told me do not contact her. I’ve reached out couple times apologizing for my role and telling her I’m here for her. Of course, I did the “weak” and “dumb” thing the night of the “heart thrashing”, by crying and begging a little. I’m really tired of hearing and reading how that’s such a turn off to women. My bad I have genuine feelings. She’s told me from start at different times for me to vulnerable with her as much as possible. She’s given me that comfort. I do know currently, there’s couple things I’m working on behavior wise like with insecurity and analyzing things, mainly based off my past relationship few years ago when ex wife ended things. That’s always a work in progress for anybody that’s been hurt badly before. When we met, I was solid head space, which is why I’ve taken time to date after my ex wife. To make sure my flaws or behaviors are limited. Everybody has flaws. We won’t totally get rid of them. But we learn to manage them better and such.
She says she just needs time, she’s sorry. Not really sure what she’s sorry for? Sadly, and maybe stupidly, I’m basically waiting for her. I get a text or phone rings and I’m like dog waiting for a treat. Actually not that pathetic, but you get my point. I know it’s not healthy per say “waiting”, but this has torn me apart, and nothing has ever felt more right, real, genuine and should be. We did move fast from the start. Only thing that was bothersome a little was at start she wasn’t completely honest about something, but it wasn’t that big of deal to me. She apologized and explained her reasons. I always give benefit of doubt and second chance. She’s told me so many times how she’s never felt this way, she’s in this for long haul, wants something to develop more serious with us, and she’s not going anywhere. Completely blindsided, baffled, and hurt. Maybe she’s truly confused. I’ve never felt so “stuck”.
Couple people tell me, knowing most things, she’s kinda being little selfish, keeping me on hold in case, being insensitive, dishonest and such. I’m not buying that though. None of it adds up. They are looking out for me, but her and I shared way too much intimately on both emotional and physical type levels. She promised tons of things, which I know people can change things. But not when there’s deep feelings involved like this, with kids, and both knowing our histories and desires. Our communication has always been smooth from the start. Texting I can over think at times, which her and I joke about. Heck, a week prior to this happening I told her I tend to over communicate in text so I need to chill that. She said she likes it, she rather that than nothing. Even with my son, I hammered down couple boundaries and walls regards to him and her; to show her how important she is to me. She acknowledges that and she’s done similar.
Anytime I’ve parted ways with someone, I’ve known that it’s done. No matter how long relationship was. It is so confusing her telling me don’t disappear, and it won’t kill or hurt us waiting being together, if meant to be it will be. I’m kinda standing here saying “it is meant babe, we’re right here in front of each other and both told each other how deep we feel for each other and relationship for the long run”. I didn’t say that, but that’s how I feel. She did tell me “that night”, not to make it harder than it is, there’s a guy right here in his home I care about and he cares about me, but she just needs to do this so please see her perspective. Obviously I do. I always do. She’s shared one of things she really loves about me (yes, love) is my ability to always see put myself in her shoes. She has said before she always gets what she wants so to speak. Maybe this is example.
A couple people have also said she’s just trying to get off hook easier. Again, it makes zero sense though. Maybe if we were together 5 years I could see that. Not after handful/few months though. It does no good especially her knowing how I feel and how she feels. Or, as she’s told me she feels. There’s really zero point with her making it “easier”. She knows I don’t play games and I’m brutally honest person. She typically is with me as well, or so she says and I thought. She also said if she’s being brutally honest she wants to wake up and know to be together working at it with us. Yet, 2 days prior to having “heart stabbed”, she was sharing how she knows our relationship won’t be easy, trust her with heart, she doesn’t want us parting ways, we both know how we feel about each, lots changes are happening and we just need have compassion and grace for each other. Oh, and all that matters is how we respond and react to things together. Again, makes zero sense. It was so abrupt and out of the blue. As I said, I’ve reached out couple times. One time was later at night of course, like a idiot after having couple beers. I hope the couple times I’ve reached out don’t destroy chance of her coming back. Again, she told me don’t disappear and she’s not blocking removing me. Kinda feels she’s keeping lines open with us. Or, wanting me to chase and beg her. It’s been 2 and half weeks. And I never have felt more awful. She’s kinda stubborn in way too. So I kinda feel I should be chasing her? I don’t want her saying “well, he’s not reaching out to me so he obviously doesn’t really want us”?
She asked for time so I’m trying to respect her wish and as she says her “perspective”. I usually workout and eat good. Oddly, since “this” happened, I’ve never been so down and out where I’m skipping workouts, not eating and not sleeping. I know that’s not good. I do see a counselor and that helps little.
I think best advice is not to contact her for couple more weeks and then assess things? I’m trying to take this day by day. We would talk, text daily from the jump. We saw each other practically everyday or every other day minus the past few weeks. So, I’m puzzled and wondering how the heck she’s not even missing texting me. She would daily, drop random messages how she misses me, couldn’t wait to see me the next time, how’s day going, etc. Now, nothing. Ice cold. She told me don’t disappear and she’s done that exact thing. She texted me on New Years with heart emoji and of course I analyzed why she sent me a heart knowing everything we feel. I was told by few people don’t respond back, she’s keeping you on leash in case, but I don’t believe that at all based on everything we did, said and such. Anyway, I sent her couple hearts back, don’t give damn if was told to ignore it. That’s not cool ignoring from my point of view. I can control my behavior in that regard, and that’s not me to ignore her like that. I have compassion. This completely sucks. I hear few people saying just forget about her, it’s her loss, she “used” you, and such. I don’t agree though. During first few weeks I told her my guard is more up, and every action and word she took or said, I trusted her fully to let guard down. I don’t know if I should delete her number, block her and try and act like it didn’t happen? But, that’s not me.
I don’t know if I should wait another week or few days and drop her text saying “thinking of you, here for you”? I’m not sure if I should have her contact me first? As said, she can be stubborn, and she does like when she’s chased. We actually talked about that at one time when discussing past relationships. She’s also dated a lot more than me, which is why she told me she was looking for something serious or to develop serious with someone and then told me after we met she’s never felt this way, she sees us together for future and such. I get it takes time knowing a person. Again, we moved fast and that is what it is now. And she told her family that it just happened between us, there’s something special, she’s so thankful we met and being together, she told her ex about me I guess as it pertains to kids. No idea why share all that and then this? She’s been on phone with me while her mom is in room and shared how misses me and stuff so it’s not like she lied about what she told them. Maybe she’s legit confused, overwhelmed with new job, kids, and really is trying to balance and make sure of things? That’s what I want to believe, give benefit of doubt, and trust her. As she’s asked me to do.
I truly have never felt this way, and it seems so wrong not being together right now. If this time means her and I grow more as people, and we still are together in time then it’s worth it. I will do that for futures together. But, this no contact is complete misery. The night she left, she took few things she has here at my home, and gave me back couple shirts of mine. Yet, oddly, she left few pairs of her shoes here, blow dryer and couple other things. She also didn’t bring back few of my other shirts she had. Again, makes zero sense. When she left we hugged, kissed, said she loves me.
Feels almost like she’s forcing herself to do this, or like her family or ex is pushing her to do this. Not sure why I feel that in my gut. I’m wondering if she badmouthed me so she has people in her corner backing her up to do this right now. I say that because everything she’s told me she’s shared with others about us, has lead others to tell her things like they’ve never seen her happy like this and such. People I know have shared with me the happiness she helps bring out of me. Yes, I know be happy with yourself blah blah. Point is, spouses, partners do make each other happy or help bring that out more. So if one more person tells me be happy alone then it doesn’t matter, I’m going to scream. I’ve been alone plenty of times and been successful. That would be like me telling people that say that “okay, break up with your significant other or whatever label put on it and don’t be upset at all just dance around and party like it’s first time”. Dumbest logic. Sorry, bit of rant there. I really am lost, puzzled, upset, feels so strongly like nothing ever before and feel “stuck”. I miss her. Or, as she told me week prior to all this happening when we didn’t see each other for few days “I miss you terribly, it like hurts my heart”. Yes, I know. Again, makes no sense. Is it grass is greener? Another guy? By what she told me that night and everyday, does she know I’m going to wait? She said it’s nobody else and she has guy in front her she cares for and that cares for her. But, it feels I never existed. When I hear “she’s not into you”, I point out conversations daily we had, texts and conversations day before all this, planning our date night and such. How does one just flip switch? Unless someone has like some kinda borderline thing maybe I guess? I don’t know that though I’m just guessing. It’s hurts “terribly” and feels so wrong. Thanks for reading and any advice.
Just read your post. I’m so sorry and feel your pain. I pray she comes back to you. Seems she’s very confused. And having commute between you both is hard for her to navigate. Show her kindness, empathy and that you’ll take most of stress off her. If you desire. She sounds like she’s very scared of getting deep into it with you then whatever happening down the road. Which, would end things ultimately and she doesn’t want that pain for either you. Especially being in abusive relationship, she definitely has some pause there and rightfully so. That’s why I’m saying show her kindness and empathy as much as possible so she feels safe and protected by you. I feel she’s leaving open lines of communication so that’s good. You can read mine below to relate. Sorry if it’s long. Yours is identical to my current situation. After reading mine, you may think I’m little depressed by her putting us on pause. Which, I am. No problem admitting that. I’ve been through a lot of past hurt as yours has and mine has. That definitely can impact and confuse things.
We started a month later than yours for timing perspective. She told me right before Christmas not to disappear, needs to make sure she can juggle her kids, job, me and other things, she told me she’s not blocking me or me not too as we’ll talk, needs to make sure of our relationship or wanting it (similar to yours). I feel she’s partially stringing me along as backup plan. Few people have said that. They’ve also said she has eye on another guy and has grass is greener syndrome. They’ve also said she just became not interested suddenly, which makes zero sense.
I did help her a lot more than normally would when dating via emotionally, physically, and such. I basically opened my home to her, gave her home so to speak. She was just in little limbo at first. Mostly because of hurt and issues she’s suffered from in past. I’m freakin devastated. I’ve never felt so heartbroken after a break or break up and I’ve had plenty in life. I have a son so I’m very in tune with my feelings and need to be very careful as well. I told her right from the jump – when she was telling me how she’s never felt like this with a guy before – that I cannot get hurt nor will I do anything to place her in position where she’ll get hurt. That’s critical with kids involved even though her and I are in our 30’s. But, every fiber in my gut, head, heart tells me she’s “it”. She has shared the same. I’ve never felt so strong and sure about another person. Frankly, it scares me some, and I told her towards end of November that it does scare me a little how we feel, and she was very sweet understanding that. Any little arguments we had, I took and take complete blame for. I did start getting more needy recently, but nothing that warranted her pausing us. Heck, she’s needy at times too, so what. I just reassure her as it’s not a big deal or burden doing that. I’d always make sure to reassure her as she mentioned because of couple past things like her being cheated on multiple times, and similar. She did share she’s gone back to exes before when they cheated as she’s trusting perosn, believes in second chances like I do. She told me she’s never cheated before. Due to our kids schedules and her new job, we weren’t seen each other as much the past few weeks.
It’s hard as hell, and I miss the hell out of her like nobody ever before. I miss her laugh and small things like that. I’m really trying to separate emotion and logic here. A couple people have told me do not contact her. I’ve reached out couple times apologizing for my role and telling her I’m here for her. Of course, I did the “weak” and “dumb” thing the night of the “heart thrashing”, by crying and begging a little. I’m really tired of hearing and reading how that’s such a turn off to women. My bad I have genuine feelings. She’s told me from start at different times for me to vulnerable with her as much as possible. She’s given me that comfort. I do know currently, there’s couple things I’m working on behavior wise like with insecurity and analyzing things, mainly based off my past relationship few years ago when ex wife ended things. That’s always a work in progress for anybody that’s been hurt badly before. When we met, I was solid head space, which is why I’ve taken time to date after my ex wife. To make sure my flaws or behaviors are limited. Everybody has flaws. We won’t totally get rid of them. But we learn to manage them better and such.
She says she just needs time, she’s sorry. Not really sure what she’s sorry for? Sadly, and maybe stupidly, I’m basically waiting for her. I get a text or phone rings and I’m like dog waiting for a treat. Actually not that pathetic, but you get my point. I know it’s not healthy per say “waiting”, but this has torn me apart, and nothing has ever felt more right, real, genuine and should be. We did move fast from the start. Only thing that was bothersome a little was at start she wasn’t completely honest about something, but it wasn’t that big of deal to me. She apologized and explained her reasons. I always give benefit of doubt and second chance. She’s told me so many times how she’s never felt this way, she’s in this for long haul, wants something to develop more serious with us, and she’s not going anywhere. Completely blindsided, baffled, and hurt. Maybe she’s truly confused. I’ve never felt so “stuck”.
Few people tell me, knowing all the facts, she’s kinda being selfish, keeping me on hold in case, being insensitive, dishonest and such. I’m not buying that though. None of it adds up. They are looking out for me, but her and I shared way too much intimately on both emotional and physical type levels. She promised tons of things, which I know people can change things. But not when there’s deep feelings involved like this, with kids, and both knowing our histories and desires. Our communication has always been smooth from the start. Texting I can over think at times, which her and I joke about. Heck, a week prior to this happening I told her I tend to over communicate in text so I need to chill that. She said she likes it, she rather that than nothing. Even with my son, I hammered down couple boundaries and walls regards to him and her; to show her how important she is to me. She acknowledges that and she’s done similar.
Anytime I’ve parted ways with someone, I’ve known that it’s done. No matter how long relationship was. It is so confusing her telling me don’t disappear, and it won’t kill or hurt us waiting being together, if meant to be it will be. I’m kinda standing here saying “it is meant babe, we’re right here in front of each other and both told each other how deep we feel for each other and relationship for the long run”. I didn’t say that, but that’s how I feel. She did tell me “that night”, not to make it harder than it is, there’s a guy right here in his home I care about and he cares about me, but she just needs to do this so please see her perspective. Obviously I do. I always do. She’s shared one of things she really loves about me (yes, love) is my ability to always see put myself in her shoes. She has said before she always gets what she wants so to speak. Maybe this is example.
A couple people have also said she’s just trying to get off hook easier. Again, it makes zero sense though. Maybe if we were together 5 years I could see that. Not after handful/few months though. It does no good especially her knowing how I feel and how she feels. Or, as she’s told me she feels. There’s really zero point with her making it “easier”. She knows I don’t play games and I’m brutally honest person. She typically is with me as well, or so she says and I thought. She also said if she’s being brutally honest she wants to wake up and know to be together working at it with us. Yet, 2 days prior to having “heart stabbed”, she was sharing how she knows our relationship won’t be easy, trust her with heart, she doesn’t want us parting ways, we both know how we feel about each, lots changes are happening and we just need have compassion and grace for each other. Oh, and all that matters is how we respond and react to things together. Again, makes zero sense. It was so abrupt and out of the blue. As I said, I’ve reached out couple times. One time was later at night of course, like a idiot after having couple beers. I hope the couple times I’ve reached out don’t destroy chance of her coming back. Again, she told me don’t disappear and she’s not blocking removing me. Kinda feels she’s keeping lines open with us. Or, wanting me to chase and beg her. It’s been 2 and half weeks. And I never have felt more awful. She’s kinda stubborn in way too. So I kinda feel I should be chasing her? I don’t want her saying “well, he’s not reaching out to me so he obviously doesn’t really want us”?
She asked for time so I’m trying to respect her wish and as she says her “perspective”. I usually workout and eat good. Oddly, since “this” happened, I’ve never been so down and out where I’m skipping workouts, not eating and not sleeping. I know that’s not good. I do see a counselor and that helps little.
I think best advice is not to contact her for couple more weeks and then assess things? I’m trying to take this day by day. We would talk, text daily from the jump. We saw each other practically everyday or every other day minus the past few weeks. So, I’m puzzled and wondering how the heck she’s not even missing texting me. She would daily, drop random messages how she misses me, couldn’t wait to see me the next time, how’s day going, etc. Now, nothing. Ice cold. She told me don’t disappear and she’s done that exact thing. She texted me on New Years with heart emoji and of course I analyzed why she sent me a heart knowing everything we feel. I was told by few people don’t respond back, she’s keeping you on leash in case, but I don’t believe that at all based on everything we did, said and such. Anyway, I sent her couple hearts back, don’t give damn if was told to ignore it. That’s not cool ignoring from my point of view. I can control my behavior in that regard, and that’s not me to ignore her like that. I have compassion. This completely sucks. I hear few people saying just forget about her, it’s her loss, she “used” you, and such. I don’t agree though. During first few weeks I told her my guard is more up, and every action and word she took or said, I trusted her fully to let guard down. I don’t know if I should delete her number, block her and try and act like it didn’t happen? But, that’s not me.
I don’t know if I should wait another week or few days and drop her text saying “thinking of you, here for you”? I’m not sure if I should have her contact me first? As said, she can be stubborn, and she does like when she’s chased. We actually talked about that at one time when discussing past relationships. She’s also dated a lot more than me, which is why she told me she was looking for something serious or to develop serious with someone and then told me after we met she’s never felt this way, she sees us together for future and such. I get it takes time knowing a person. Again, we moved fast and that is what it is now. And she told her family that it just happened between us, there’s something special, she’s so thankful we met and being together, she told her ex about me I guess as it pertains to kids. No idea why share all that and then this? She’s been on phone with me while her mom is in room and shared how misses me and stuff so it’s not like she lied about what she told them. Maybe she’s legit confused, overwhelmed with new job, kids, and really is trying to balance and make sure of things? That’s what I want to believe, give benefit of doubt, and trust her. As she’s asked me to do.
I truly have never felt this way, and it seems so wrong not being together right now. If this time means her and I grow more as people, and we still are together in time then it’s worth it. I will do that for futures together. But, this no contact is complete misery. The night she left, she took few things she has here at my home, and gave me back couple shirts of mine. Yet, oddly, she left few pairs of her shoes here, blow dryer and couple other things. She also didn’t bring back few of my other shirts she had. Again, makes zero sense. When she left we hugged, kissed, said she loves me.
Feels almost like she’s forcing herself to do this, or like her family or ex is pushing her to do this. Not sure why I feel that in my gut. I’m wondering if she badmouthed me so she has people in her corner backing her up to do this right now. I say that because everything she’s told me she’s shared with others about us, has lead others to tell her things like they’ve never seen her happy like this and such. People I know have shared with me the happiness she helps bring out of me. Yes, I know be happy with yourself blah blah. Point is, spouses, partners do make each other happy or help bring that out more. So if one more person tells me be happy alone then it doesn’t matter, I’m going to scream. I’ve been alone plenty of times and been successful. That would be like me telling people that say that “okay, break up with your significant other or whatever label put on it and don’t be upset at all just dance around and party like it’s first time”. Dumbest logic. Sorry, bit of rant there. I really am lost, puzzled, upset, feels so strongly like nothing ever before and feel “stuck”. I miss her. Or, as she told me week prior to all this happening when we didn’t see each other for few days “I miss you terribly, it like hurts my heart”. Yes, I know. Again, makes no sense. Is it grass is greener? Another guy? By what she told me that night and everyday, does she know I’m going to wait? She said it’s nobody else and she has guy in front her she cares for and that cares for her. But, it feels I never existed. When I hear “she’s not into you”, I point out conversations daily we had, texts and conversations day before all this, planning our date night and such. How does one just flip switch? Unless someone has like some kinda borderline thing maybe I guess? I don’t know that though I’m just guessing. It’s hurts “terribly” and feels so wrong. Thanks for reading and any advice.
Hey Bilal, while I may not be able to give you the advice you’re looking for, I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone because I went through the exact same thing. My ex and I also started talking in April 2020, talked for an entire month and clicked incredibly well, met up for the first time in June and everything was just as perfect as I’d hoped it’d be. We shared similar ideals, we we’re both empathetic, soft-hearted and had a great appreciation for the arts and music.
I’m a 6”2 guy with above average looks and people tell me I’m very charismatic so i’ve met and been with enough girls to be able to tell this one was special, I felt a genuine, extremely powerful connection unlike anything I’d ever had before. The next 3 months would go on to be the best of my entire life, full of adventures and movie-like romance. Then, just like you, we both started uni again and but we were seeing each other in a LDR as we went to uni in different countries, things were still good while apart, but we were both insecure and slowly started to lose trust in each other.
Fast-forwards to December, 6 months into th relationship, she broke up with me. We met up in person to talk about it and left me a letter which I read on the spot. She said she simply didn’t love me anymore, that she wished she felt differently and that she begged herself to fall in love with me again but she couldn’t change her feelings. I was absolutely destroyed on the inside but handled the situation maturely and accepted the outcome even though we we’re both holding back our tears. I call an Uber and get ready to leave and while were waiting there, she suddenly hugs me really strongly and starts crying again and eventually asks if she could kiss me one last time. I hesitated but I still loved her so i did, she said she was really sorry, I got in my uber and left.
For the better part of 2 months I became pretty depressed and couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself until I realized it wasn’t doing me any good and I needed to move on
Until recently I was hoping for the same thing as you, that she comes back and sees how special we were together too but anymore. Even though I still miss her, I know it wouldn’t be right for us to get back together, at least not for the foreseeable future.
I can’t say i’m over it because it’s been almost 3 months It still makes me sad to think about how it ended and I do miss her too, but I know enough now to know it’s not healthy to expect that she’ll come back and it’s better to move on and work towards becoming a more stable, secure and confident version of yourself than to wait, perhaps anxiously, for the prospect of her coming back and re-living the time of our lives.
Just know you’re not alone man, trust me when I say I know how fucking tough it is, but I can’t stress the importance of letting go and moving on, because at the end of the day, not only is it more important for you to invest in loving yourself but also because if it really is meant to be, she’ll come back regardless so don’t waste too much time worrying about it like I did.
Best of luck man, hope things are going well for you now.
My ex and I dated for 3 and a half years. We were a live in couple who loved traveling together. Everyone in our area (Las Vegas) and back home (Philippines) knew we were together. We were really in love and supportive of each other. We even made future plans. The reason for our break up was because of a third party- sadly one of our friends. He admitted he has been texting and meeting her behind my back. He told me he was no longer happy with our relationship and decided to choose her over me. I was hurt and heartbroken. I begged him to rethink his decisions, but he seemed fix on what he decided. I admit the three months prior to our break up was rough. Every relationship seems to go through that stage of constant arguments and fading love. However, we always made up and love each other again, sometimes even more. So I was really shocked. I never thought this could happen. We both thought we were the one for each other. It’s been about 2 weeks now and we are still close friends. But I did cut off contact with him and ths girl (social media and number). His family and I are really close so that’s why I’m often at their place. They have become family to me. Plus, they’re much more supportive of me and were heavily disappointed when they found out what happened. Whenever we’re together, we do things like we usually do, just without the intimacy. My stuff is still at their place, and sometimes we sleep together still, or there are nights where I sleep in the living room. I have accepted the fact we are no longer together, but memories and what ifs always flood my mind. We don’t talk about our own relationships ti each other, so I don’t know much of how good his is going. As for me, I’ve been talking and meeting other guys, but it seems I have no luck. So I decided to just wait for the opportunity. I’m stuck between still hoping or to just let it go. I know time will heal me, but do you think we still have a chance? Is it wrong to hope?
I’m so sorry that happened. It is not wrong to hope. I’m always one for second chances no matter. Unless, it’s abuse or multiple cheating. So, I do think you deserve to have someone value you more than that. Cheating is unacceptable. No matter if it’s emotional or physical. My prior post about my situation has cheating involved. The woman that just put us on pause, was cheated on many times by her ex and she would go back to him. I think that can really damage a persons trust forever. I think him sleeping with you still, seems like he wants his cake and eat it too. His actions aren’t really showing he’s done with you. But, could you trust him? If he’s texting can you trust who he’s texting? If someone cheats, they better beg their butts off to win you back. They better do things that prove without shadow of any doubt they are practically suicidal for how they hurt you. Cheating is just uncalled for. I would say, keep distance from him, he knows you’d work on things, let him come to you. I’m a male. I can promise you, if we weren’t dumped and forced into no contact, we’d make it very clear to you or other person how much we wanted relationship to flourish. I’m praying daily my ex girlfriend reaches out to me to work on us. My situation makes zero sense. Hoping wishing isn’t wrong. Don’t date around a lot though. You should heal some by this first. And plus, shall he come back, which I think he will try too, don’t give him any ammo towards you. I’m not saying be a hermit. But, don’t involve other males while he still has your heart. And you want him to have your heart. Focus on you as much as can. I hate that advice. But in your spot, it’s critical. Be cordial towards him, chill, collected and calm. Let him see the hurt he’s caused you by showing him how he’s losing and throwing away something special after 3 years. Again, do those things, he’s going to try to come back. Guys don’t flip off 3 years. No matter how good the “other” one might be. I promise that.
Zan, I was with my boyfriend for4 years and we were each other’s best friend and were so ourselves around each other. He asked me to move in with him a year and a half ago. We put any savings we had into doing up the house. He is so busy with work which I didn’t mind and was alone in the house quite often. I have massive insecurities and most of the time we were out together and drink involved we would fight. However, my bf would get so drunk on nights out that he couldn’t remember what had happened and he’s 38 years old! I never once stopped him from going out never once kept him from his work and was always there for him when he needed me. The last 2months had been difficult for me as I had very personal issues happening at home and around 2 and half months ago my boyfriend was out and didn’t come home until 7am in morning. From then, my tolerance for things were low, like him not doing washing, going out and so hungover the next day and not being there for me when I needed him. I sat him down 3weeks ago and said I wasn’t happy and that I felt we were stuck in a rut but I desperately wanted to work on it. I moved back home for that time and we went back and forth as to what was happening. He had said he couldn’t see us working without the same rows, I was putting too much pressure on him to do housework, row when we went out etc. And then he said he didn’t know what to do. However a week ago, he said that that was it he couldn’t see a future with me. My boyfriend came to this decision within 3-4 weeks that he couldn’t see a future with me and we had planned to build a house get married have children and grow old together. I went to pack my things a number of days later and he spoke to me for 10mins and said he had nothing to say. I asked him did he love me and he said he didn’t love me anymore and that he’d made the right decision because he can’t see a future with me. I’m confused and finding it hard to understand how someone stops seeing a future with you so suddenly after living together, discussions on what we wanted to do in the future etc. He had said he just wanted to be on his own and focus on his work with no one annoying him. He is a very stubborn person and once he gets a thought into his head that’s it, there’s no changing his mind. Im not one of these people to constantly text my ex etc but I am so hurt and blindsided by his decision and hurt by the things he said. He also went out partying the day I moved my things out of the house. I really feel like this has not bothered him at all and had asked when he stopped seeing a future with/stopped loving me and he said he doesn’t know. 🙁
I feel your pain. It really hurts when you are so invested on someone and truly love them for who they are. Your love for him is unconditional and deep. I’m actually on the same boat. I’m 32 and my ex is 36. He told me that he would propose to me in 2019 when he didn’t, I was really upset and asked for time apart from him, but I clarified I didn’t want to break up. I just want to process my emotions and feelings. When I tried to talk to him, he said that we should break up because we’re two different people and couldn’t communicate. I was hurt. I never felt that kind of pain before. He said that he likes to party and I don’t. I never stopped him from partying either or even tried to change him. I also asked my ex if he still see himself with me? He also said he doesn’t know.
It’s been a month since then and I am still hurting. All the good memories comes and goes. I never begged or pleaded with him though. It seems like both our exes have a “Peter Pan” syndrome. They don’t really want to grown up. I currently seeing a therapist to help me through this, so far it helps. I’m also starting to meditate because the pain that I feel can be in unbearable.
Overall, you and I will be heal. We need to focused on what we feel. Your probably thinking about what if or even regret some things that you think you did wrong. Don’t let it consumed you though. Ruminating is the worst thing you can do. It will just trigger the pain over and over again. I suggest just feel all the feels. Face this pain head on. Cry if you need to. Write it down. When people say, “just go hook up with someone.” Don’t do it. It will just prolong your grieving process. I’m going through the same right now, and it still hurts, but I believe that I will heal eventually and you will too.
I truly feel your pain. This exactly happened to me in March. My gf said she feel that we are not compatible after 6 years in a relationship. We were discussion if we should buy a house or apartment, we were discussing our future details and I was planning to propose her this summer. Everything was ready, and suddenly she came and said she think we are different and it will be difficult for us to be together. I begged her and tried everything. She ended up blocking me everywhere. Not in this difficult conditions, I cant even know how is she. Zero information, I am really lost without her. It is very painful that she dumped me after this long time without even a real reason. We have differences that she knew about, nothing new at all. I am truly sad until now and feel hopeless.
I’m in a similar situation. My fiance blindsided me with a break up last month after 6 years together. We’d just bought our first house which has been a stressful time and put a strain on us but he’s given me no real explanation other than me having a fiery temper (which I’ve had for the whole 6 years) and that he now doesn’t see a future with me. I also begged and pleaded for us to work on it, so initially we were on a break but he’s since ended it (with no further explanation) and refused to work on it, we’re now in no contact. It’s been a tough 5 weeks going over and over scenarios, what ifs, trying to pinpoint where it went wrong and hoping for him to come back.
But I’m beginning to think rationally that if someone can’t communicate their issues with you and try to work them out then they are pretty emotionally immature and this was bound to happen sooner or later so better for it to be now!!
I’m sorry. I understand the pain and understand the abrupt sudden change. It’s insulting and devaluing to you as a female. Im a male that’s in your spot. The hurt is terrible. He seems to think very black and white. The woman that just slashed my heart tends to do that. In fact, in my post earlier, I expressed she can be stubborn which makes me feel I need to chase her and beg her. His partying drinking like that he’s confused. I promise. What’s he confused about? Knowing it’s time he grows up some. He isn’t slamming door on you per say. He said he doesn’t know. Tell him in matter fact calm terms “I want us together, I don’t need us, I chose us, I’ll work on things I can control, if I give too much pressure with home then that’s fair, you chose for a commitment living together, take time you need to figure it out, you know my position, I love you for a reason”. Then hang up, or walk away if physically there and don’t contact him at all. Nothing zero. Go dark. Disappear. I was told “don’t disappear” yet she’s seemingly done so past couple weeks. And it’s so painful. I’m a male that is your boyfriends age with a son. My ex wife left us 3 years ago with cheating. That’s not reason though I posted on here earlier. Woman I’ve been dating is reason. Anyways, my point is this, at his age he will deeply regret not being with you, I can assure that, you don’t contact him, go dead dark, it will drive him crazy. Only saying this advice as I assume you want to be with him. If not then ignore what said. I’d give anything in the world for my “ex” girlfriend to contact me that she misses me and knows we need to work on us together no matter how hard it can be. The reason for that is after shredding my heart I haven’t really heard from her for 2 weeks sans my couple of “I’m sorry” messages and how “I’m waiting for her here and here for her” (although I didn’t do anything to apologize about but I always take blame and will always work on anything asked which she knows) – point is, these 2 weeks I’ve realized so many things even if I’m not a fault to correct and do better because I care for her and she’s gone dark. You care for him, go dark, give him time. He will realize. He will realize how much he misses and wants plan house things together and will miss your alleged “pressure”.
Hi Zan
Me and my korean ex had been very passionate for about 2-3 months but all of a sudden she started becoming flaky and distant and I couldn’t feel the intimacy anymore. There was a period where she would just brush off my concerns and wouldn’t answer my calls. The good thing is I never pleaded or begged. I just sent somewhat desperate messages to her.
There weren’t any arguments whatsoever and I supported her in every way even through her emotional and mental issues that she was so afraid that I would leave her if she told me.
I am in my 7th week of No Contact and I plan to do it indefinitely since she couldn’t even bring herself to text me about properly broken up so I can only assume the worst. A few days ago my friend saw her on a dating app with new pictures and it broke me thinking how she could have moved on so quickly.
I have been working on myself even though I am still haunted for at least a moment every single day. As long as I can tell, she hasn’t blocked me or unfollowed me from any social media yet. I have had some consultations with a dating coach and he told me to send a simple message after 6 weeks and if she doesn’t reply I would go no contact indefinitely. I decided to go further and go indefinite no contact from the start.
What do you think of my situation? I would really appreciate some feedback
Hello , I was in a bit of a world wind romance and after 3 months moved in with I guy as I was (still am) in love with him and after a disaster of a love life I thought he was the one , a week after moving in he cane home from work and said it wasn’t working and asked me to leave , totally out of the blue , it’s been three months an I’ve struggled so much to get over him As I never really got any closure or answers as to why he did what he did or what went wrong . We’ve had no contact since then and then out of the blue last night he text me to see how I was doing and said what good good times we had and suggested meeting up , I’m very confused and worried that I will get hurt again . Do you think he is regretting his decision? Or just feeling bored and lonely
Make him work hard for you, he’s just feeling lonely and only thinks of himself at the moment.
Make him earn your trust. Holy cow. This identical to my current situation except I’m the “female” in your scenario. Well, I’m you, and she came to my house then bailed outta blue. Nevermind all the deep emotional things she shared, and her telling me “don’t disappear, I won’t block you, you don’t block me, it won’t kill you to wait us together, see my perspective I need to do this right now”.
What a tool bag doing that without any empathy. Sorry, just vented that in my head. He is reaching out because he misses you. I’m a male, although it’s reversed, I’m promise you he’s realized some stuff and misses you. That’s good he reached out. Curious to know what’s transpired. I’d give anything my “ex” texting me saying that. It’s been 2 weeks and it’s worst heartbroken I’ve ever felt. And I’ve had plenty. Totally feel she’s “it”. So she told me same. Actually told me first. Anyways, Make him earn every inch of trust back. Be on guard. You 100% should feel scared and you 100% should express to him when he asks to get back together “you hurt me badly, I will not get hurt again to that extent under any circumstance, let’s go slow”. Don’t make him think he’s on eggshells but make him feel he’s on very thin ice with you. Let me know what’s happened. So weird this is legit identical.
Hi my boyfriend and I were together for a year and we were so happy together and did everything together and became inseparable. We have everything in common and I helped him alot just like he did with me. He wanted to mary me and said things like that alot.I had problems with my anxiety that he also got frustrated with it. He didnt know what he was supposed to do and even after I would tell him. Towards a month before the break up I had been going through a hard time and my anxiety was very bad I was literally shaking and I was depressed. I kinda pushed him away and just wanted to be with my family. But I did what I could to push through that and be there for him when he made family gatherings and parties. The stress and anxiety was too much for me that we had a fight and this was our real first fight. I had to leave and he thought I gave up and he broke up with me the next day. I did talk to him afterwards because I had things at his place that was not replaceable. But also he kept telling me random things like I still me alot to him and then he kept flip flopping and saying he doesnt want a relationship then changes his mind. So I stopped all contact with him so he can finally see what it’s like not to have me. I feel like he will come back at some point again.
But is there really a chance he will come back ?
Control your anger,because Anger is a fire which Burns the Thread of relationships.A fire can only be putout by water so use patience and ignore little materialistic things.Money can be earned but peace of mind is something more precious.beaware of materialistic ellusions .
I am going through the same and dunno whether he will be back or not it ..first I pushed him away…then he went silent for a month…and when I spoke to him he said he loves me alot but can’t be in a relationship..then I went silent for 21 days during tht period he put up dp tht I had taken checked my status was online looking for me….then wen I called him …he was I love u and missed you ..but can’t be in a relationship with me ..he seemed to be so confused..then it’s been 10 days I left him alone ..saying he won’t hear from me again….but I wish he comes back….
I’m going through similar. Except I’m “the female”. I have anxiety. I get insecure easily. My ex that just crushed my heart knows that. She has issues too with depression. I’m always by her side. I believe he will come back. As a male, when we share that time together, connect on emotional physical level, we don’t erase it and not reach out again. Unless you cheated on him or beat him with a baseball bat, then he more than likely won’t. Anyways, he sounds very confused and scared. Similar to my ex. I think she is. Or she’s just stringing me along. Time will make him think. Go very dark on him. I mean, social media, texting everything. Don’t let him see you doing anything at all. Complete darkness. It will kill him and bring him to his knees. As for anxiety, work on your behavior issues. I’m working on mine. Shall she not contact me and we are done for good, which sickens my stomach to think, I’ll be better person. When he connects back with you or vice versa, he needs to understand that suffering with any disorder requires patience and care from other person. He needs to do things to help you so to speak. He will realize when go dark on him that there’s behaviors he can change to limit anxiety in you. It’s give give give. No taking. It’s realizing “hey this woman I care for has a issue, what can I do as a man to support her, what things do I say that might trigger her, let me adjust that to help our relationship”. He will realize that. My ex that is “confused” hasn’t really contacted since for last 2 weeks and it’s destroying me like nothing ever felt before. Here’s my point, we both have issues like anxiety, I’ve realized these last 2 weeks specifics of what I can do better for us not to trigger her depression her anxiety thoughts, and such. And frankly, most people would say in my situation she needs to change not me per say, she needs to beg, apologize. I disagree. He knows you want to be with him right? Leave it at that. Don’t have couple beers then text or email her at night saying sorry and did I mean anything at all. Yes, I did that one time last week. Haven’t done anything else. I pray that didn’t push her away for good. And that right there is example of behavior I instantly realized I can correct regardless if she’s in the wrong. He will realize.
Awesome stuff as always!!! How did you learn all this stuff, your like the Love Guru? Every single one of your articles fits to a T what our breakup has looked like. My ex told me the other day she is traumatized over this breakup and is ok staying alone forever(She’s 29) I really think she dumped the situation and not me, hasn’t dated at all but is still standoffish and cold. Also won’t exchange stuff with me or finalise breakup but won’t talk either? Any ideas?
Hi Chris.
Your relationship has ended and you need to let her be for now.
If you don’t, she’ll continue to act cold toward you now and might even develop resentment.
It’s highly likely that she’s going to take the first romantic opportunity, so work on letting go of hope. You need to protect your heart and leave with self-respect.
Kind regards,
Zan
She won’t exchange stuff? Or finalize things? Curious how this played out? I am in similar situation. I disagree that it’s over for good. She won’t exchange things, that is always a sign the person is holding onto to some kinda of wanting things to work. If you’ve tried asking to exchange and she’s denying it, then that is sign she’s confused. She probably is one foot out door, but time and distance will bring foot back inside.
Me and this girl were dating for 2 and a half years. It was a great relationship and she was totally infatuated with me it was the greatest feeling ever. I took her to fairs, bought her flowers, fixed her roof, and just in general bought her things and paid things for her. I screwed up and got feelings for another girl at one point but never cheated, I wanted to be honest so I told her and we worked passed it and was great since then. She went on a vacation with a few friends and single guys her age recently and I got jealous and acted childish. When she got back she was deciding wether to end it or not then finally did. I hear a couple days after that she was with a guy on that vacation, I’m guessing a rebound, when I asked about him she said she don’t even know what they are. I talked to some of her friends and her mother once before the breakup which made her upset. When I spoke to her friends after it seemed to make her more upset. I asked to work it out and apologized many times until she blocked me on social media so I left her alone it’s been two weeks. Do you think she’s in a rebound the guy she is with I hear it’s his first gf and he’s desperate. Any chance she will realize that it I wasn’t that bad? And maybe come back
I really need some advice on this it’s been two years since my ex and I broke up he broke up with me and the reason being is because we argued a lot after about 6 months of us both cooling down I’ve realized all the wrong I had done in that relationship and I know I’m not the only one at fault so I messaged him on Instagram apologizing I felt like he was still hurt just by some of the things he had said but I also felt like he was trying to rub his positive life in my face basically telling me who all he’s hooked up with etc like I didn’t wanna know that stuff but anyways ever since then he will message me about random stuff rarely like stuff he could find answers to online or there’s been a couple times he actually asked to hangout but he would never follow through and we don’t follow eachother on social media but I can still see where he will go and look at my stuff on Instagram I recently got into a new relationship and he messaged me as soon as he seen that I was with someone else but anyways I really miss him like I feel deep down he was my soul mate I had a connection with him that I didn’t have with anyone else and the more that I’m with this new guy the more I miss him I don’t know what to think or what to do I’m very confused
I would go no contact. But don’t wait for the 30,60,90 day mark. Just focus on yourself they will text back if they truly are your soulmate
You know the beauty of marriage ?
Its a mutual commitment.Its sharing and caring.Its a relationship inwhich we have difference of opinions but we hear each other viewpoints and assemble on a single point.Sometime its like seesaw effect inwhich one opponent is down then other is up but he will come down next and you enjoy this moves in last but what will happen ,despite of enjoying we start to compete eachother trying to show him/her your power.This competition will only bring race and this will lead to a unbalance life.
Patience is one of most beautiful attribute a good person can have.Do not be cruel to your loved ones, they are for love not for cruelity.
I was dating this guy for a year, he took me to his house and we had plans of getting marry and building a family together, he even moved across the country for me. I helped him move and get his apartment set up but the last four months we had a lot of arguments because he wanted me to move in with him and i couldn’t for personal reasons. At first he knew my situation and was fine with it but once he had moved to my state, we started arguing about him wanting me to move in. I would usually walk away because i didn’t wanted to fight and he disliked that because he felt that he was chasing me. one day he decided to break up with me because i wasn’t opening up enough. i apologized and started to be more open towards him. we got back together like 3 days after and everything was fine. until we started having fights again for the same reasons and he said he no longer trusts me and although he loves me he is no in love with me anymore. i was shock because we had so many future plans and we were very compatible and everyone around us saw that we were happy with each other.
At first i got very defensive and i didn’t wanted to accept it, so i looked for him 3 times. and i begged him to take me back and he said no, he even said i was making it worst and stated what part of him wanting to be alone i don’t understand. He also started inviting random coworkers to his new apartment, people he had never mentioned before. i tried to talk to him over the phone and in person but he just wouldn’t want to talk to me i told him if he would regret it because he once said i was the love of his life he said no because he couldn’t be in a relationship were he didn’t love the person anymore and because i didn’t make him happy anymore. it broke my heart, and i told him I would be waiting for him when he was ready that he knew were i live and work and he said thank you.
the last time i sent a message was in new years wishing him happy new year and telling him i loved him. because i been so depress and crying my sister in law decided to text him behind my back telling him i really love him and he was making a huge mistake letting someone that loves him this much go to not let the pride in him win. he just replied with ” Thank you for your text, and for reaching out on her behalf, she is lucky to have you, happy new year” after that After that he slowly started blocking me from everything and deleted all our pictures from social media.
I wonder if we will have some remorse and if he would come back ? I really do think he is my soulmate.
I would go no contact. But don’t wait for the 30,60,90 day mark. Just focus on yourself they will text back if they truly are your soulmate. No contact has helped me not even think about them anymore and not dependent on them.
You were kind and loving and if he is smart he will come back but don’t ever wait for anyone
A guy i have been dating wrote me this message after having distancing himself for a bit (he just came out of a 5 year relationship)
I have been thinking a lot. And the reason I havn’t been texting that much is because I can feel that I need some time on my own. I thought it would be good for me to meet someone new, but I think it is a little too early. I am really sorry that things went on for so long with you. But think you are really nice and would still like to get to know you better, I just don’t think I can commit or have any kind of relationship right now. I was unsure to write this now, or talk about it on sunday, but I dont want to waste your time if there are other things you want to do. However, I would still like to drink coffee on sunday if you want!
I replied this
I appreciate your honesty. It sounds like you really should spend some time just on your own. I really hope you will get happiness into your life again and that is easiest to do by yourself. I hope you maybe can meet again when you feel more ready. But until then I can feel that I need somebody more sure on because I dont want to be with someone unsure of me.
The little i have known you has been lovely and i wish you all the best.
And he replied this
Yes, I feel the same way. I don’t think it is fair to you when I feel like I do. But I hope like you to that we can meet once again because I also think it was been really lovely.
Is there any chance he will come back or was I just a rebound?
I will break the bad news to you, you were a rebound. Your chances of getting back are slim so i suggest to move on
Actually he does not want to hurt your feelings.so its a sugar coated gourd.and they way you replied it also shows though you got shock but to portray yourself that you are ok with it.or you also want this to happen.Its a complicated life ,if the memories of love are more than the bad memories obviously couple will stay together but if not then they will seperate.