It’s completely normal to sometimes wonder if dumpers regret breaking up with you. If you recently got dumped, your happiness probably depends on this information because it gives you hope that your ex will one day want to communicate with you and get back with you.
It sucks, but when your ex broke up with you, your ex crushed your ego and self-esteem. He or she made you feel unimportant and hurt you badly. That’s why you’re now looking for validation which is information that dumpers regret breaking up with their exes after a while.
Although there’s nothing wrong with learning more about dumpers’ behavior, you need to know that too much false hope can stop you from moving on. It can make you think that all dumpers regret leaving their exes and that your ex will too after a while.
Some hope-giving breakup experts certainly say that most exes come back, but you need to know that dumpers who lose feelings for their exes don’t return very quickly (if ever). They return only if they get hurt and fail to create a happy self-fulfilling life for themselves.
Of course, there’s more to reconciliations than just that. Dumpers’ remorse also kicks in when you’re doing well without dumpers. Not when you’re dating highly attractive people but when you’re doing great and they’re not. That’s when they become regretful and want a piece of the pie.
This means that if you’re begging and pleading with your ex and trying to force your ex to come back, you need to stop doing that. Not only will such behaviors annoy your ex and show you don’t have your life together, but they’ll also make your ex lose all respect for you and see no reason to get back with you.
To make your ex think about you and miss you, you must follow a strict regimen of indefinite no contact. No contact means no texting, calling, or interacting with your ex in any way, shape, or form (not even liking your ex’s pictures). If your ex broke up with you, your ex needs to see that you’re independent, unavailable, and unwilling to provide relationship benefits.
Your ex lost all benefits the moment he or she broke up with you and decided to go solo.
Now that you’re in no contact, you’re most likely dealing with the
Not all dumpers come back because not all dumpers:
- improve their shortcomings
- realize their dumpees’ worth
- fail so badly that they fall back on their exes
So if you want to know if your ex will ever regret breaking up with you and come back to invest in you, know that it depends on many things. Most things are out of your control because you can’t predict what will happen to your ex while he or she is away from you.
You don’t know if your ex will date other people and fail or if your ex will take things slow for a while and not do anything that could make him or her reflect.
If the breakup just occurred and it was a real breakup (not a fakeup), your ex will need to go through the 5 breakup stages first.
He or she will need to process negative breakup emotions and discern you weren’t the cause of his or her unhappiness and the grass is greener syndrome. You were the person who supported your ex and remained loyal until the very end.
Most breakups feel sudden, but the reality is that dumpers usually aren’t spontaneous. They normally think long and hard before they break up with their dumpees and focus on themselves. This is the reason why they feel so relieved after the breakup.
Relief occurs because they feel smothered for days or weeks prior to the breakup and need a way to escape a situation they no longer want to be in. And once they finally escape it, they free themselves from all obligations and enjoy their newfound freedom.
You need to make sure your ex doesn’t string you along with meaningless post-breakup messages. If you decide to communicate with your ex (even if your ex reaches out first), you’ll show you’re willing to be your ex’s friend. And that will, in turn, tell your ex that he or she can take as much time as needed to explore other options and not worry about a thing.
I’m not saying that turning down friendship will make your ex come back for sure, but it will make your ex respect you and leave you alone to heal.
This post is for dumpees who wonder if dumpers regret breaking up with dumpers after a while.
Do dumpers regret breaking up with you?
Right after your breakup, your ex feels no remorse. He or she is extremely relieved and enjoys the space your lack of presence provides. Your ex no longer worries about how you’ll handle the breakup and what his or her friends and family will think.
All your ex has to think about is his or her own life and stay distracted as much as possible.
This is the reason why so many dumpers appear unaffected by the breakup. They feel so relieved from the end of their suffocating relationship that they just want to disassociate from their old lifestyles and be completely independent of their exes.
This is especially true for couples who were together for a very long time. Long-term couples wish to regain their identity, so they go out more, dress differently, and do the things they previously condemned.
To dumpees, they appear unrecognizable, strange, different, and even fake. This depends on how elated dumpers feel and how badly dumpees need their exes to validate their feelings.
If you’re worried your ex has changed or evolved since the breakup, rest assured that your ex hasn’t. Your ex is merely exploring the world and chasing after external happiness. Once relief wanes and your ex loses the energy to do all these new exciting things, your ex will revert to his or her old self.
Sure, your ex will likely keep certain hobbies and friends, but all in all, your ex will remain the same person inside. A couple of months of relief are not enough for dumpers to change. To change, they need to reflect the way dumpees do rather than focus on enjoying themselves.
Will the dumper ever regret breaking up with you?
It’s hard to say with certainty whether and when your ex will come back. If you were truly good to your ex-partner and the relationship was stable and functional, your ex may at some point in the future regret breaking up with you. This depends on what your ex does and who he or she gets involved with after the breakup.
If your ex dates someone who hurts your ex and forces your ex to become nostalgic, your ex will likely remember that you were a better match for him or her and send you a message to see what you’re up to. But if your ex dates people who are just so so, then your ex likely won’t come back.
At least not until he or she has failed in some important way and reflected on his or her mistakes.
Some things that can help the dumper regret leaving you are failed rebound relationships, health issues, family drama, stress, depression, and a need for validation.
These things attract an ex back more often than healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is just one of the conditions for dumpers to remember the good times and return to you. It’s not the main reason exes come back as some people assume.
So keep in mind that dumpers’ regret kicks in when things don’t go according to plan for them. They become regretful when someone or something hurts them and forces them to look for validation, happiness, and stability with their exes.
So while you’re waiting for your ex to have an epiphany, portray yourself in a confident light. Instead of pestering your ex with calls and messages, start no contact and stay in it until you hear from your ex. It could take your ex a very long time to reach out, but even if it takes years, you must stay away from your ex.
Unless your ex reaches out and shows interest, your ex is of no use to you. At least not romantically.
Always remember that your ex has to put in the work because when your ex does, your ex will start to see your worth and value you for the person you are. An emotional investment is necessary because without it, your ex will take you for granted again and leave when he or she gets bored, tired, or preoccupied.
No matter how tempted you feel to break no contact and reach out to your ex first, remind yourself that you can’t be the one to take the initiative with your ex. Your ex abandoned you, so chasing your ex and hoping your ex will come back is a waste of time.
By chasing your ex, all you’ll do is show you want to be with your ex very badly and emotionally overwhelm your ex with your expectations and/or demands. You might even guilt-trip your ex and cause your ex to push you away.
That’s why it’s better to stick with the rules of no contact and let your ex come to you after a breakup. This is the only way your ex will see that you’re handling the breakup well and that it’s safe to reach out to you and see how you’re doing.
Breadcrumbs from your ex wouldn’t necessarily make things better, of course, but at least your ex wouldn’t be afraid of communicating with you. Your ex would respect you for keeping yourself together and may not give up on the idea of getting back together completely.
Do dumpers come back after months?
More often than not, dumpers come back months or years after the breakup. That’s because they need lots of time to process the breakup and realize that the person they left was actually good for them.
The more time goes by, the more time dumpers have to run into problems and reflect on their past relationships. Time is, therefore, good for you as it lets your ex do what he or she wants and makes it possible for him or her to hit a snag.
So if you’re wondering if dumpers regret breaking up with you and come back after months, keep in mind that they do. They usually return because they can’t find what they’re looking for on their own or with someone else. In other words, they fail to stay happy after the breakup, so they come running back to the ex who loved them and made them feel secure.
To make your ex see your worth and want to be with you, give your ex a chance to be free and do what your ex wants. Let your ex be free even if your ex is dating other people.
Remember that dumpers come back after months of their own accord because they can’t handle the stressors and realizations life throws at them. And because they can’t handle them, they sometimes return to their recent exes to rely on them for emotional support and validation.
No one can tell whether your ex will seek your help and approval, but if you remain strong during no contact and your ex needs your strength, chances are that your ex will reach out and want your assistance.
So for now, commit to no contact and wait for your ex to make the first move. You’ll know your ex wants you back when your ex invites you out, tells you he/she wants to be with you, and appears to be in a hurry to reconnect with you.
The real reason why dumpers regret breaking up with you
Dumpers regret breaking up with dumpees when they’re miserable while their exes are happy. That’s when they do whatever it takes to find their exes, contact them, apologize to them, and emotionally depend on them.
Not all dumpers verbally express that they want their exes back, of course, but all regretful dumpers non-verbally show that they’re in pain and that they want another chance.
That’s why all you have to do is wait in no contact and focus on yourself. Don’t obsessively look for signs that your ex wants you back because that’s completely unnecessary. You’ll know if your ex wants you back if your ex doesn’t let you go. At least not before your ex makes sure you don’t want to be with him or her.
So if you’re trying to figure out why dumpers regret breaking up with their exes after a while, know that it’s because they’re unhappy. They don’t like the way things turned out for them and need dumpees to show give them love and support.
All you need from your ex is to contact you and make plans with you. Everything else will fall in place on its own.
Dumpers come back when you’ve moved on!
Dumpers come back when you’ve moved on and no longer care about them. They don’t come back just because it hurts their ego, but also because they redevelop respect for their exes and realize they’ve made a big mistake.
Dumpers then become unhappy and want to stop feeling unhappy, so they find their exes and see if their exes still like them and want to be with them. If their exes are extremely excited to hear from them, they oftentimes get validated and stop talking to their exes. They feel too overwhelmed to keep communicating with their exes.
Only dumpees who don’t need their exes make a good impression on their exes. That’s because they exude confidence, which is the most desirable trait a person can have.
With that said, don’t just wait for the dumper to come back to you. Waiting is going to make you look desperate and will likely scare your ex off when he or she reaches out and sees you need him or her more than ever.
Instead, do what you can to move on and your chances of reconciliation will be as high as they can be.
Do female dumpers regret breaking up?
Female dumpers come back slightly less often than male dumpers. But from my observations, male dumpers sometimes leave again shortly after coming back. They get bored or tired and leave if they don’t develop enough love and respect for their exes.
Both male and female dumpers come back because they thought they’d be happier without their exes. Dumpers essentially discover that their exes made decent romantic partners and that they took their exes for granted. This then makes them anxious and forces them to get back with their exes before someone else takes interest in their exes.
Female dumpers tend to suffer from depression and mental disorders more often than male dumpers. Their unhappiness motivates them to look inward and encourages them to figure out if they’d made the right decision.
That’s because they’re in pain and in a hurry to stop the pain. You need to be aware of that so you know why female dumpers come back.
How to make her regret breaking up with you?
To make your ex regret breaking up with you, you must leave her completely alone. Allow your ex to experience life without you and go through the 4 stages of the grass is greener syndrome.
You can’t make her regret breaking up with you directly by talking to her and posting a lot of positive pictures. But you can give her enough space to think about the breakup and figure out whether she’s happy.
If she realizes you were the best guy she ever dated and the last guy she wants to date, she’ll want you back and reach out. But hopefully, you won’t be desperate to get back with her if she returns just to obtain validation from you. Hopefully, you’ll have learned your worth and will take the time to discover her intentions and whether she’s learned her lessons.
How often do male dumpers come back?
When male dumpers abandon their exes, they normally focus on enjoying themselves and not thinking about their exes. All they want is to focus on themselves and other people. But when those other people disappoint them or hurt them, something very important happens. Suddenly, they stop associating negative thoughts and feelings with their exes and start thinking more fondly of them.
They start thinking that their exes weren’t that bad in comparison to their current girlfriends/ex-girlfriends and that they need to see if their exes want them back.
It’s hard to say how often male dumpers regret breaking up with their exes because every guy is different. But we can say that those who get involved with the wrong kinds of people often do. Those guys realize that their ex-girlfriends were their healthiest and best options and that they need to get them back before it’s too late.
Did your male or female dumper break up with you? Are you hoping that he or she will regret breaking up with you one day? Post your comment below the article.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan, my ex ended things 2 months ago. At first he was confident in his decision, claiming he just didn’t want a relationship and I was worthy of much more. I had some contact from him more recently asking to meet up. I said I thought it would be too difficult for me considering how I feel about him and he said he felt the same. What do I do now? I want him to say he regrets ending things and wants me back but instead I’m getting breadcrumbs albeit quite full-on ones eg he has said he won’t replace me, he misses me, he wants to meet etc. What do I do? Thanks
Hi Sarah.
I suggest you meet up with your ex. But if he wants you back, be careful about accepting him back.
He could leave again if you don’t show confidence and high self-esteem.
Best,
Zan
Don’t put yourself to be food for narcissistic people
But instead , be free for a man who will appreciate you ALL THE TIME. That is a choice not a feeling he must prove he will do for you.
Many men are loving and kind because they want to get the same- in the end, it’s always them
Hi Zan,
My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. She told me that i am abusing her emotionally through my words every time we had a fight. She was afraid that i might hurt her physically. I admit my mistakes and i always ask for forgiveness. The problem is i never change. I still say words that i did not mean to say. I mistreated her for almost 3 years of our relationship. I usually cannot control my emotions that’s why i say things i did not meant. We were so in loved before and we even talked about getting married soon. Suddenly she just broke up with me and i was in shock. I don’t know what to do. I am the one who usually breaks the relationship but i did not mean it. I was just out of control. It was just because of the argument. She told me she got tired and want to end our relationship. I beg to have her back for 2 weeks. I stalk her social media accounts and then i decided to block her and unfriend her because it was not doing any good to me. I am really in pain and i don’t know what to do. Is there any chance we could get back together?
Hi Edrick.
There is, but don’t focus on that for now. It will delay your recovery, so self-prioritize right now.
You need to work on yourself to better handle your emotions in the future.
So work hard and I wish you the best of luck!
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Edrick,
PLEASE HELP ME 😔
I am happy to have found your post.
I need your most sincere advice because I want my baby back.
My story with him started December last year, unfortunately I still had unsolved business with my first ex ever because he didn’t want to let me go and move on. He was intrusive and wanted to ruin my new relationship by harassing me and forcing me to meet up with him to finalise things but he would use the chance to try sneak his way back into my life. I was mentally and emotionally abused by my first ex and he also cheated on me and gave me lots of trust issues. When I finally stopped having fears of what could happen if I decided to stop having contact with him for good, I blocked him and told him that no more. He wanted revenge and went to my boyfriend to tell lies and talk badly about me and say we even slept together. I never truly told my boyfriend of what was actully happening because I was afraid all the drama would push him away. I wanted all to be drama free and perfect:( I was very innocent and inexperienced back then. I did what I could about a situation I never experienced fed before and I was all alone living in a city without my family. so because I hide he thought I could be lying. My ex made my boy doubt me so much because he had proved that I accepted meeting up and talking to him but he lied about the true reasons.
I fought to prove my innocence and went to police to make him stop bothering me. My boyfriend decided to give me the benefit of the doubt and stay with me. But everything was already so bad. The beggining of us wasn’t the best of any relationship. And for this I carry so much guilt.
I already had trust issues and this new boyfriend of mine had a reputation of being a lil bit of a player but when I was around him it never felt like that so I had my doubts but I choose to also give him the benefit of the doubt. ( we both didn’t exactly trust 100% each other) At the start he used to like clubbing a lot which I don’t like. So I told him to stop. I catch him allowing his ex girlfriend to follow him and send him “happy birth mesages” and he also replied to them with a heart emoji. This make me suspicious. And like that there were so many other little things that happened that made me suspicious but I never saw any real evidenced proving my suspicion so I will argue but because I wouldn’t have actual proves to back up my argument he would make me feel crazy for being like this and get mad at me. Whenever we would break up he will follow new girls and like their pics, or go clubbing, or drunk text me to say he miss me and wants to come over. And we would get back together. I tried to change him, like I asked him to stop clubbing, to be more committed, I just locked him in, maybe it was controlling? I am also possessive so I get jealous of all the female attention being given to him. Unfortunately we were on and off often. My ex appeared again in the picture during a time I was being really vulnerable because me and my boyfriend were on and off often. My ex contacted me to tell me my boy saw his ex while we weren’t together … this catch my attention and make me feel that I have found the answer to why he always left. So I decided to answer all phone calls my ex would make so I could find out things. He said he just wanted to be a friend and to open my eyes but his intentions were other. Again, the same story repeated. He wanted to make me out to be a cheater which I am not.
I learned my lesson and know better now.
My boy again stayed because I cried and begged for forgiveness. Then I had to move cities for personal matter and things got worst. He just didn’t seem to be able to move from the past. Any action or word reminding him of it will make Him want to break up even if I was being all about him.
We argued a lot a lot over trust. But love was also there. When I went to visit him, his ex the one that sent him happy birth, and always tries to talk to him at the clubs .. she was on his search list, he said he wanted to check up on her cause she had an accident or his sister told him about it but he didn’t end up texting her. He frequents a club that I wanted him to take me to and he said no cause his ex was there, I felt he was hiding me and argue over this, he posted pics of us on social media and days later deactivated, then reactivated and his ex tried to stalk me after 10 month of relationship out of nowhere. I went off at him and he broke up with me for having suspicions and for the approach. Now, he was always crying when he wanted to break up, he will say how much he loves me the day before and then say how we not meant for each other when he break up and get emotional and cry to say it is the last time we talk. I was the one keeping us together. And often I wonder if he cried because he had guilt of something? Was the reason for a man to cry when he breaks up?
We went back to on and off. In one week he will break up or ask for space like 3 times. But when we together he would say how much he wants to see me, and loves me and that I. An move in with him. But smallest mistake and he wants to leave and says cruel thing like “your not good for my spirit, you don’t help me progress don’t make me happy” and right after that when I start crying and saying I love him he says things like “ I was even planning to marry you and take you Greece with me on my birth but this was a surprise” I am lost
One day I happen to be on my break at work and there was this guy who sees me all upset and wanting to like cry and approached me and whatever and we just talked avout life and his relationships as well etc and he seemed gay too but he isn’t. I don’t know many people in the city and he seemed like a guy that could be good as a friend advices… he asked my number and I gave it to him but I made it clear that my loyalty lies somwjerw else and I don’t have interest in man. So it felt okay and innocent but eventually not anymore because he tried to flirt.
My boyfriend find out and I was afraid to show him the messages because I can’t control how others felt and now I felt I made a terrible mistake, I tried hide it but eventually just admit it and he said we wanted me to delete his number and never contact him again. That he wasn’t coming back and we done for good. And he thank me for my giving my number away. He said “thank you for helping me with my decision” even tho I explained and showed evidence. So he blocked my number and never replied on Facebook to me. Just said “don’t want to be with someone that can’t address she isn’t in a relo” yet he was always being considered about me and breaking up and I was never once even tho he made me feel so suspicious. I made terrible mistakes and feel like I failed to give him a happy relationship. And in his eyes I must be the worst thing to ever happen. I do love him but I am afraid he won’t come back to me. I think he feels better off without me ?
I want him, I do. We had many arguments over trust but we also had many good times and felt strongly for each other.
Will he come back to me? What should I do please help me. I don’t want to humiliate myself by chasing again but I wish he will come back to me
Hello
my Girlfriend of over 2 years broke up with me saying she is disappointed in me failing and not cleaning the house yes we live together im moving out on the weekend but what should i do to get her back and do you think there is a way to get her back ?
Hi Leon.
This sounds ridiculous. She’s disappointed about hundreds of other things and the house excuse is just one of the latest ones.
Give her the time to cool off first and then she’ll probably contact you.
Just don’t show fear and anxiety.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I’ve been dating this girl for close to 2 years now. The relationship was great. She used to have a bubbly personality and was always weird but in a good way. She was also affectionate and loved me with all her heart. April 27th we went on a cruise to the Bahamas together and had a great time. When we got back from the cruise everything in her personality especially towards me changed.
She had to go stay at her grandmas house because her mother went on vacation as soon as we got back and she had to watch her grandma. During that time thats when I noticed her behavior changed. I asked her whats wrong and she would reply with “nothing”. One day while we were on talking on the phone she said “Do you want kids?” Which i replied no like I’ve always said in all of our previous conversations “no”. She started to act cold and distant.
I go to her grandmas house with ice cream and say whats going on with her. She cried but eventually told me that she wants another kid and for me to step up and act like a kid to her current kid. I was never really accepting of her kid in like picking the baby up and giving her affection. I did just that I would treat her and the kid now calls me da da. She felt like I only did it because she told me not because I wanted to so therefore it wasn't real. I eventually convinced her to come back home but she was still acting the same. I brung it up again and asked what's wrong? She says she's stressed. She hates her job, not making enough, customers are rude, and a bad boss. As well as her mother is super controlling and disrespectful to her. Also, she's not happy with her weight.
I asked her if she still loves me? She says yes. I asked if there’s someone else she said no. I asked if she still wants to be with me she says she doesn’t know. She needs space to think. But I do what all men do when a woman says they need space; I smothered her and became needy and clingy. She didn’t want to be touch, she became grumpy, doesn’t laugh at my jokes, weak replies, and lack of sex.
In the movies the man chases the girl and she realizes she made a mistake and comes running back. When reading online many blogs and videos say if she asked for space back off. I tried the to “no contact rule” but its hard when we live together. It completely backfired. She felt like she was being ignored and we got into a argument with resulted in her packing up some of her clothes and going to stay at her sister’s house. Asked her if this is her way of breaking up and she said no she’s stay there for a while.
3 days went by and I was getting advice from friends and family. They kept telling me “she’s cheating on you” or “she doesn’t love you anymore”. Drove me crazy. One of my friends said “drive to her house and demand her to tell you how she feels” and like a idiot I did just that. She didn’t come out and didn’t want to talk to me. So I drove home. She then sent me this message: “I need time and space. I am broken inside and I need time to heal and figure out what I truly want. I want to make sure I’m the best me for myself and my daughter who is my only priority right now. I’m NOT okay. There is so much pain in me right now that I need to figure out what’s going on with me before and straighten myself out. A relationship right now is not what I need. I need to work on myself and become the person i want to be. But I need time for that. I’m not going to hold you back with me. I want to be happy and for that to happen I have to dig in to myself and find it some how some way. And i want you to be happy and Ik im not the right person to make you happy. I truly hope you can understand me. This hurts me too but I think it’s time for me to put myself and my feelings first for once.”
I initiated no contact for about a week but broke it due to her coming to the house to pick up a suitcase. we spoke briefly and i acted with confidence even though my heart was pounding a mile a minute. I asked how she was doing? How the baby was doing and hopes she has a good trip and gave her and her sister a bottle of alcohol told them have great weekend and we all laughed and i turned around and walked back into the house and didn’t turn back, nothing major but it was better than nothing. Another week of no contact was started. I heard a rumor that she might be in another relationship and i panicked. The following were our text messages:
Me: Hey something been bothering me. I feel like there’s more behind the reason of why you felt like we shouldn’t be in a relationship. I understand you’re going through stress in your life but i feel like its something deeper. I’m just looking for some closure.
Her: I just feel like I didn’t give myself the time to heal after everything that happened with my baby daddy. And it still hurts inside. And I’ve held it back for so long that I just can’t anymore and I think I owe myself that time to get myself together and really get over everything that happened. I didn’t want to hurt you but the longer I kept holding it in the more I hurt and destroyed myself on the inside
Me: I understand and I respect to give you the time you need to heal but lisahey we were in a relationship for almost 2 years. If you truly felt that way why did it take 2 years to come to that. It just seems odd. It wasn’t like we were together for a couple of months. We lived together and I thought we both we trying to build a future together. Was our relationship just temporary ? Cause my feelings for you and Sophia are genuine. Obviously something happened in our relationship for you to feel differently.
Her: No I just bottled everything thing up thinking it’ll get better but all I did was hurt myself more and more
Me:I must have played a part in some how making feel like you couldn’t communicate these feelings and its of trying to fix things between you felt it best to end everything. So were never happy during our time together?
Her: I was
Me: So what was wrong with our relationship that you felt like this is not going to work? We maybe did get into a relationship a little soon after you and your bd split but we spent 2 years building our own relationship. Is it because you still want you want to be with him? Cause if that’s the case I just want you to honest with me and tell me that.
Her: It’s not that I want to be with him. I was just unhappy. I bottle things up for so long I could no longer hold it in. And I rather let you go than to keep hurting the both of us
Me: But I wasn’t hurt until you let me go
Her: You can’t tell me you were happy cause Ik you weren’t
Me: Lisa if wasn’t happy I wouldn’t be here. I would’ve just left. You were like one of my best friends. If I had a bad day at work with these stupid ass customers and dumb ass bosses and I came home and got a kiss from you and some of your bomb ass cooking suddenly the day wasn’t that bad. I know its corny but that how I felt. Now I got all these stupid ass customers and memes and no one to send them to. I was never unhappy. I was more disappointed. To me it was like you stopped being the goofy and caring girl that I fell in love with and instead you shut down and pushed me away. That’s what confused me. Even if it was you felt pain from your last relationship or even if you wanted to see other people I felt like we had the type of relationship where we could have talked.
Her: I’m sorry i just couldn’t anymore.
Me: couldn’t any more what?
Her: Keep holding everything i need my space and to be alone and get myself together.
Me: I’m going to respect your space and your time to heal. I know this is something you need to go through by yourself. I was just looking for some clarity.
That was our texts to each other. she only texted me about the things about moving out the apartment. since were no longer together i wouldn’t be able to afford living in our home by myself. i did get week one night texted a “hey” and she didn’t respond till a day later only asking about getting our things out the home. i didn’t spam her with text or beg her. No name calling no arguments. i had mutual friend talk to her and they said that shes acting strange. the looks really sad and she says she needs time that i should give it to her. that dont feel like its another man something going on with her personally. im not sure if its depression because she always pushed away her mom and her sister. Another week goes by and we finally meet again because we had to move our things out the home. When she came in I was cleaning and dancing to music and she looked surprised. I said hey to her and her sister and made a quick joke and we all laughed and i turned back around and continued to clean. She kept every valentine gift I gave her, all the teddy bears, all the cards, and even a sign she made that says ” Lisa+ steven 4 ever” Not sure if that means anything but made me a little happier. We had conversation and it was me asking her how was she and she was very reluctant at first but she told me shes stressed and began to tell me about all the bs happening in her job. Also that shes finally making commission. I told her that job was crazy and im glad shes finally making money she deserves that. We then proceeded to talk about her coworkers and laughed about them and her sister didnt understand who and what we were talking about. I then asked about the baby she was hesitant but her sister ended telling me everything about her. My ex then brought up that one of our mutual friends who we used to spend every weekend at a double date game night bought a new drinking card game. I told her that looks fun and one day we should go one day and she silently said yes and walked away. we haven’t spoken since and that was 7 days ago. our break time has been close to 1 month now. I went out with some girl cousins to a popular club and seen her there with her mom and aunt. She stayed in the corner of the club by the bathroom and really didn’t say anything to anybody. Meanwhile I was on the dance floor dancing with my cousins whom she’s never seen before. She says nothing but im almost positive she seen me. The next morning she viewed all my facebook stories.
I been scouring the internet for answers because I’m left dumbfounded and felt like I’m miss part of me. I understand I have to employ the no contact rule, make a better version of myself and the slowly rekindle our love for each other but im not sure its possible. I also have done some self reflection. I was very firm on not having kids but living with her and her daughter has really changed my mind on the possibility but sometime in the future when I’m financially ready, mentally ready and emotionally ready. I don’t believe in having a baby to save a relationship because that would be wrong but i believe in having a baby with someone you see a future with and she’s is one.
Sorry for the long post I just wanted to make sure you get the whole story.
Hi I have been separated from my partner for 2 and a half months now we was together 11 years and went through so much stuff she had endometriosis and polycystic ovaries and thought she couldn’t get pregnant but we ended up having two beautiful children a boy and a girl shortly after or daughter was born I was diagnosed with cancer and went on a 3 year battle with the disease being re diagnosed during that time to eventually beating it but with that case depression for her and built up anger and built up anger for me 14 months after the cancer had gone we broke we had a bust up and she said she’s had enough and moved out with our children she’s been living her best life while I have struggled daily we had a really deep connection and bond but that’s been broken now she says we need to be friends for the sake of the children and says that our relationship was toxic and we are all better off out of it. Now I may be an old fool (37 and she’s 32) but i desperately want her back and I am a changed man because not having them in my life made realise how insignificant everything else becomes I miss them all like mad and love them unconditionally it’s breaking me but she seems happy. Will she ever come back?? I hope she can I really do
Hi Mick.
I can’t say whether she will realize your worth.
But if she does, it will be because you’re happy with yourself.
So try to gather your strength and enjoy your life again.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello I follow all your posts because my ex dumped me from a 5 years relationship. I think it’s because I became a lil clingy and needy. She says it’s because I treated her bad sometimes with some bad attitudes.
She dumped me 2 months ago I broke NC a few times. Once I send her an audio crying she answered to move on and blocked me…
Last time I contacted was 3 days ago. Just telling her I found out why she dumped me and that I just wanted to let all clear. Wished her happiness and told her see ya.
Do you think I got a chance for her to comeback? I’m in NC working on myself.
Ah. I wish I had known this.
I was in a three year LDR with a guy and I was moving to another country and he said he couldn’t handle an even longer distance because he thought I’d go after or other guys would be after me.
Anyway, after a few days of me being in another country we broke up.
I was distraught and mourned the relationship for about a year. I still remembered his number and would ‘stalk’ his status updates and pictures and I saw that he was openly and happily dating other people – something that I couldn’t do.
Somehow, we got talking again (big mistake) and ended up back together – he was very insist – I refused the first few times but then the illusion I had of being with him again yada yada overwhelmed me and we got back together. I was very cautious at first, he was very sweet and I asked him why he was back and he gave the cliche line ‘i always loved you and i missed you’..i didnt buy it fully but it was good enough and it felt good to be wanted again by him especially. The more we spoke, the more i fell for him.
This rekindled relationship lasted about 7 months and a week. After 5 months – things got a bit rocking cause he was overwhelmed by work and he lost his mum and other things which i understood but life happened and he left without a reason why. Apparently, there’s something i did that he chose not to talk to me for two weeks (silent treatment/ghosting) until i pushed him to tell what was up (and that if he didn’t reply, I’d leave him alone) and he said it’s something I did (just that guys, idk either).
Out of desperation, I apologised but after that, talking to him was like pulling teeth because it was like he couldn’t really bother and was responding to be polite. One day, i sent him a good morning message to which i never got a response and three weeks has passed now.
A part of me wanted to write him because I do wholeheartedly love him but I refuse to force a grown man to communicate even when he clearly shows no interest.
I wish him the best – no hard feelings and I hope he finds someone who makes him happy.
The moral of the story is :don’t hold your breath waiting for someone to come back esp when he/she is out there exploring and you’re suffering. Of course, if it meant something to you it’ll hurt for a while but you’re strong enough to be whole without that person.
Look after yourself, guys.
my 1 year 4mths long distance ex bf broke up with me over the phone claiming LDR wasnt sustainable, he couldnt commit anymore since it was expensive and his new job din allow him with longer leave to meet. Also, i was clingy, argumentative since i felt i wasnt his priority and he often stayed distant and wanted space while i needed him to communicate more. We had a messy break up, i felt wounded and i said mean attacking words during the heated moment and wished him all the best, that marked our last conversation since a year and 4mths now. I did no contact first after our broken up and reached out after 60days but he wouldnt reply or answered my calls until now. Do you think he regrets his decision? Will he return?
Hi Gabby.
It’s clear he doesn’t regret his decision yet. I can’t tell you whether he will return.
It really depends on external factors, such as who he dates and the things going on in his life.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I feel like this article really helped be understand a breakup.
I was in a 1 year and 2 month relationship and broken up with on Thursday 25th July, it has been 4 weeks today and I don’t feel like its getting any easier, I still cry at least once/twice a day and i’m getting fed up with it, I know I need to focus on myself but i’m finding it really hard.
My last contact with him was Tuesday 20th August via text, I keep getting in contact with him to ask him the same questions over and over, but I feel like am not getting any answers as to why he broke up with me. He said to me he’s just not in love with me anymore and that we have become more like friends. Whereas, he used to tell me he loved me so much, that i’d never lose him and he that he loved me more than any of his past girlfriends. No one has ever shown me love like him. The night before he dumped me he was telling me how serious he was about our relationship. He said he was in love with me when we went on holiday which was 2 months before he broke up with me. I keep asking him how he has fell out of love with me in such a short amount of time and he just can’t give me an answer, he said he ‘couldn’t even put it into words.’
I’m so confused, shocked and heartbroken by it all, our relationship was amazing, we laughed 24/7, never argued, my family and friends loved him and the same with his family and friends with me. I really want him back, but he is certain with how he feels and he knows he is not in love with me anymore. I read an article on the 30 day break up rule which i’m going to try and give it ago.
I wondered if you had any advise on how I can get over the heartbreak ?
Hi A.
Your ex lost attraction for you. Although I cannot say why this occurred, you probably can if you really want to.
You can get over your ex by focusing fully on yourself. Forget what your ex does from now on and treat yourself to everything you ever wanted. This is your time to be selfish.
Take care and best of luck.
Zan
Hey
It’s Gustavo over here. Greetings from the US
I have read your article and I want to share my story in order for some feedback
I was dumped on March 13th 2019 by my long term girlfriend of 5 years because I was selfish and behaving like a child by constantly annoying her. I did not meet her needs and wasn’t there for some of her important days. We are from different ethnic and religious backgrounds which put more difficulty in the relationship. I did not bother meeting her friends or family reason being really insecure. I do believe she is the one and I have changed my behaviour realising I had unresolved issues
It has been a hard few months which also included many weeks of pleading and begging. I know I was the bad guy but I never meant to hurt her in any way just immaturity (always faithful). I wasn’t aware of the pain I was causing down the line.
She has said it is over for good and has not contacted me since. The breakup was a shock to me as everything was normal the day before she said she has lost feelings which had me confused as I thought the relationship was fine just a few bumps
Is there any hope or ways to reconcile or is it game over as I cant get her out of my mind.
Hi Gustavo.
Whether it’s over depends on how good your relationship was. I know your intentions were good, but your behavior wasn’t. Fix what you can so that your next relationship won’t suffer the same fate.
Kind regards,
Zan
I really hope you answer 😥
My boyfriend and I broke up one week ago after a relationship of 17 months. Our relationship contained a lot of arguments and fights from my side and we took short breaks that couldn’t be kept. last week we fought again and he broke up with me this time over text. He didn’t want to see me but I managed to meet him. He cried a lot when he told me that it is over and therefore his mother said that we must be seen in 2 months and see if we can be friends (we are 17, soon 18). I love him and I do not want to be just a friend. I called him yesterday and He was nice to me but he did told my friend that I have no chances to win him back this time and the contact after two month is just to be friends. He told my friend to tell me that I should stop having hopes and he doesn’t love me as before. How can I change his mind? He don’t want to believe that I can change because I told him before that I will but I never did..
Dear Sarah
The best thing to to now is to leave it as it is. Take this time to really look into what is it that went wrong so that it doesn’t happen again with your next partner. Whatever it is that he has decided, it has to be respected. He might still love you but he may not be in love with you anymore. Move on and create a better version of yourself
My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago after a relationship of 17 months. Our relationship contained a lot of arguments and fights from my side and we took short breaks that couldn’t be kept. last week we fought again and he broke up with me this time over text. He didn’t want to see me but I managed to meet him. He cried a lot when he told me that it is over and therefore his mother said that we must be seen in 2 months and see if we can be friends (we are 17, soon 18). I love him and I do not want to be just a friend. I called him yesterday and He was nice to me but he did told my friend that I have no chances to win him back this time and the contact after two months is just to be friends. He told my friend to tell me that I should stop having hopes and he doesn’t love me as before. He want to experience the single live again. How can I change his mind? He don’t want to believe that I can change because I told him before that I will but I never did..
Never change yourself for others. Do not lower yourself. Unless if the change is for the betterment of yourself. You can’t change people’s mind once it’s made up. People can’t change their feelings that easily. Cell memory. They just suppress them. Denial. It will creep up later causing them regrets.
Hi Coach
I hope you can help me and sorry for my english in advance, it’s not my mother tongue.
My boyfriend (32) broke up with me (28) about 5 weeks ago ..out of the blue. At least it seemed so for me. We were together for about 2 years and also lived together. I moved in his apartment after just a few months of relationship because he wanted me so. Of course I was happy about that.
The first year was awesome. He liked it very much that I am a domestic woman and that I am ready for anything. We had a lot of fun doing all kind of stuff togheter. And we have a lot in common: professional background, like the same activities, same “style” to communicate with each other etc.
About a year ago he has taken the courageous step to built an own company. He has a very entrepreneurial mindset, is very intelligent, always positive, always nice to everyone, supporting and sees in every problem a challenge. Since then he works very hard and is very successful. I was always proud of him and tried to support him.
At the same time when he founded this company I started a new job in another city. The last months were very challenging for me because i had to work a lot and very hard against my ethical and moral values. That wasn’t good for my wellbeing and i got sick at the beginning of the year. Almost burned out. My body tried to stop me from doing this any longer. Of course this was also a burden for him. Because I hadn’t that much energy anymore, was depressed, gained weight and I was sometimes clueless. Of course I was unhappy with the situation. He tried his best to support me with his positivity and a lot of tipps. We talked a lot together about my problems but also about his issues with the company. He has much more experience than me in difficult business things. A few months ago it was clear to me that I have to left this job and to look for another one. I did so and tried my best to find something new.
The breakup itself was very difficult for me because the first time he tried to announce his decision I totally misunderstood him. I thought at this time it is just a normal relationship talk with distancing afterwards. But he meant it serious. The penny dropped 3 days later when I asked him what’s going on. After trouble with my job and my health he just took away the relationship and my home from me. That was too much for me and I have broken down and yelled at him. I cried and he was just looking at me without any emotion first. Cold as ice. After a few hours of crying and yelling I finally calmed down and asked him a few questions (can’t remember what it was). Unexpectedly he started crying now…I was confused. I tried to console him. He told me that he knows he’s a robot and has no emotions….one of his ex girlfriends told him once that he should never have a girlfriend anymore and stuff like that. He is probably traumatized. After a few minutes I felt the urge to tell him once more that i love him very much. And he cried even more and told me that he loves me too. I was confused!
The days after he was again very cold and distant and left me alone in the apartment. He escaped to his parents house (he does that every weekend since then). I was angry and packed my most important things and also left to my mother.
The reasons why he broke up with me were my unhappiness, my attitude, my “wrong” mindset and that he just couldn’t invest the energy anymore because of his business (priority no 1). He has very big visions and dreams and I’m assuming to stop him from doing that.
Shortly after the breakup (about 2 days later) I got a new job and my health issues resolved since then. I tried to understand the reasons for the breakup and I realized that the person i had became the last months weren’t really me. So I worked hard on myself the last weeks. After I begged a little for about a week and his cold reactions I did start radio silence. Of course we had to speak to each other because of the living situation but that’s it. As i said before I moved right away to my mother (my stuff is still in the apartment) to let him space and time. Further I lost a few pounds, started again with sports, read a lot and did many fun things and activities with my friends. I also tried to change my mindset to think positive …and I am really looking forward to the new job. But of course I miss him like crazy, think of him all the time and I love him very much. I want him back…
After a lot of reflecting I have to say that he never really spoke to me about these issues and reasons. He is the type of guy who just swallows his emotions as long as possible. He always wanted to please me and never talked about his needs. For me of course that seems very unfair because I didn’t had the chance to change anything in my behaviour. And I feel bad for not noticing his suffering the last weeks or months. I think he never learned how to express himself. He is very harmonic and doesn’t like conflicts in relationships (not in business!). I think he didn’t know how else to help himself. So he just quitted because it didn’t feel right anymore at that time and it has cost too much energy and time…
A few facts about the situation between us right now:
He always checks my social media stuff and likes the posts (is it just support? I unfollowed him everywhere)
He is very friendly to me again. We talked a week ago about how we want to do everything with our apartment and stuff. But we talked a lot more about business and what’s going on in our lives. He was interested and talkative. I tried to be positive and dignified.
I know that he is watching netflix almost every evening (despite he didn’t want that when we were still together…”I am not that guy”. Btw we share an account.)
He started to go to the gym again very often and eats healthier (he gained weight too in our relationship)
He is at his parents house every weekend (can’t he just stand the loneliness?)
I think he isn’t dating at the moment
I am doing radio silence for 4 weeks now and just answer when he reaches out (most of the time organizational matters). I respond always friendly, calm and short. I will move out completely in the next 2 weeks and concentrate on my life. I let him experience how life is without me. Is it the right thing? Or can I start communicate with him? I had the idea to suggest meeting him to celebrate his company anniversary and my new job next week (same date). Too early? I want to show him my positive changes…
Do you have some more tipps what I can do at the moment?
Thanks in advance!
my Ex and i broke up 5 weeks ago (it’s both our first relationship and so we were learning together). I essentially told him that his upcoming plans for summer (none of which included any time with me- i was aware he wanted to go away but not for all of summer) made me feel like i wasn’t important to him anymore and that he had not time for me/didn’t want to make the effort to make time, and his response was to end it, no compromise or further discussion. I am not an insecure person, but it has really affected my self-esteem and entire outlook on the relationship We are somewhat long distance (at different universities, but still saw each other every few weeks and over Christmas break and spring before it ended). We started seeing each other right before university and so the long distance has been the majority of the relationship (and was never an issue until an argument right before the breakup where i included that we don’t get to see each other as much as we’d like to- the first argument we have had in the relationship). I did no contact for a few days, then reached out just so that we could discuss what we were both feeling as i was very confused (the breakup conversation was extremely short). He agreed, then spent 2 days saying we could talk then ignoring me. We finally spoke, and he seemed very closed off, but it is over. Both back at university now and not talking, yet he still viewed my social media (but not liking anything). After 1 month, we were both home at the same time and with mutual friends. It ended up that we were sat across from each other and I couldn’t even hold his eye contact long enough to say hi. He acknowledged everyone else’s existence except my own. Left me feeling very hurt and confused so I messaged him saying it was rude and immature of him to not even say hi. He responded that I could have said hi first and I’ve not replied. Now removed him from all social media, especially as I don’t want to see his posts about his travels.
Just feels like he suddenly isn’t ready for a relationship (despite him initiating everything). He did say (when he was ignoring me) that he didn’t know what to say or what he was doing, but i genuinely have no idea how he feels or if he even understood where i was coming from, (he did say that i was just choosing to look at it from the angle of feeling like i’m no longer one of his priorities to which i stated that he had done nothing to make me feel any differently). I do want the relationship back but i’m very aware that i could not allow it to return to how it was, and changes would have to be made. Should i just let go and accept that (despite acting like he was) he is not ready for a relationship or get on with life and hope he changes? I have no idea what he’s said about it, a few weeks into it and mutual friends mentioned he hadn’t spoken about it and was being closed off about it. I’m very unsure as to what he is thinking, I don’t know if it just hasn’t hit him yet, or if it has and he’s just not bothered. There were a few times where I was unhappy with things he did (eg. flaking on plans when I was ready) so I voiced them, but certain things became pattern and I became frustrated. He never once had any complaints (at least to me) nor did he have to tell me certain things annoyed him. Feels very unfair, I was good to him and compromised on a lot (internally) to make it work and he never once did.
Hi Eve.
Your ex was selfish in the relationship and prioritized himself over you. This made you unhappy so it’s expected of you to say something about it. As he is now, he’s not ready for a relationship because a real relationship is based on giving and taking, spending quality time together, etc. What he wants instead is just the good part of the relationship and neglect the rest that doesn’t serve him.
You can hope he changes, but he won’t. If you get back together right now, everything will be like before. More time has to pass and he has to reflect for change to occur.
Not everyone is meant for each other and you’re no exception. Your emotional needs weren’t fulfilled so the breakup was imminent. Let go of this person so that you can find people better suited to your needs and wants.
Best,
Zan
Hi. I hope you’d reply. This will be a bit long.
Im currently 4 months pregnant. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. Before that, we had a huge argument last April 30. We had constant arguments prior to that. Since i got pregnant i couldn’t stop arguing with him with the small things. And at April 30, he said he couldn’t stay anymore because of stress. He said he will take full responsibility of our baby but he said he cannot commit with me anymore. He said he loves me but he couldn’t understand me anymore and he said he felt disrespected, controlled and suffocated. He has been a great boyfriend i know that but i unconsciously took him for granted for the past months. It hurts a lot now because we planned the pregnancy and was about to get married this month. I told him that i would change my behaviour and extend my understanding and prevent argument but he said its already too late. I begged him since May 1 but he doesnt want to fix it anymore. Tried to give him space but yesterday he texted and said he want to focus taking care of himself and thats final. He said he got tired and lost interest in me already. He recently suffered nervous breakdown also due to the stress i gave him and suffering hypertension now. Yesterday he told me that i should focus on myself and taking care about our baby. He said he feels sorry for giving up but he said he cannot force himself anymore because something died inside him cause of our arguments. But April 30 he said he loves me but then now he said he think his love faded already. He also said previous day that someday i will understand why he gave up. He said i dont have a future with him cause he cannot even find a job to support our baby due to his health.
Im really having a hard time now, because he had loved me so much, deeply and did everything for me. It was just i know i took him for granted. He is the man of my dreams and i saw no flaws in him. Thats why this is so hard for me to accept cause why he just gave up like that. He also said i couldn’t blame him, he said he suffered a lot emotionally because of my verbal abused. But still he knows that i loved him so much despite of arguments. I dont know what to do. We both came from a good complete family and we even thought back then giving our baby the best family. But idk what happened to him. I dont know if it is his ego, his health or the fact his love got faded. In that case, will he ever regret this decision? Please help me.
Hi Mariah.
I understand how difficult your situation is, especially right now when you need his support the most. Unfortunately, you can’t beg him into coming back to you so the only thing you can do is to let him go. Hopefully, the time apart will make him realize what he’s lost and come back around.
It’s possible your ex-boyfriend got cold feet just before marriage and started feeling very trapped. He began to doubt his relationship, so the only way for him to stop feeling pressured was to run away.
Just how you feel stressed, so does he right now. You have to leave him completely alone and let him do as he wishes. If he wants to come back, he will. If he doesn’t, it might be better the breakup happened now, rather than later (even though you could use his emotional support at the moment.)
I wish you all the best, Mariah!
Zan
I think i understand where he is coming from. We talked a bit yesterday and still i felt the madness coming out from him. He’s mad at me for taking him for granted and i think he’s holding grudges against me. He said he is full of hate inside him now. I still think he loves me but the hate is bigger than his love. He asked me to just let him go and he said he’d come back when he realize he still loves me. Which i don’t know when. Im afraid time and space will make him totally lose every love he has for me. Im so hopeless at the moment. And blaming everything to myself.
Hi Mariah.
Your ex-boyfriend has told you everything you need to know from him. Now that the breakup has occurred, he feels extreme anger which he doesn’t even understand. Unless you want to make things worse, allow him to be free and blow off the steam while he’s away from you. If he does this around you, it’s no good for either of you.
You might bring him back because of space or you might lose him forever. Unfortunately, there’s no better way to go about this.
Try not to blame yourself. Figure out why things unfolded the way they did and what you can do today to be better next time.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey,
My name is Brianna, and I hope to get a reply to understand more. My ex and I have been down a rocky road. He was my first true love. We were together for 2 years and some change. We lived together for over a year. We broke up the first time, he said it was my attitude. A month later he comes back into the picture and I let him come back so easy. That was a horrible mistake. We moved to a different spot and I did not get my name on the lease. When he wanted to be done, he wanted me out. It was mostly due to us not communicating well. He did not listen to me and he just kept wanting me to change. He would nit pick at me for little things that I could not just change overnight. I changed a lot to accommodate him. I started helping it out around the house more, got more involved with him and went places with him, controlled my anger 100000 times better. I started to walk away in heated arguments instead of trying to make it worse. I bit my tongue a lot. Now, him……. He had a drinking problem. I have been through so much in the past year from my pawpaws death to my nanas and my brother overdosing to rumors of my brother selling drugs to my little step brother. I don’t know if my ex just thinks it is me that is the problem. He broke up with me a week ago and it was horrible. the night before we got into an argument that hurt my feelings to the point that I was balling to my dad’s wife. He said the girls that liked his fb profile picture were his fans and supporters. I disagreed and said no no no I should be your only fan and supporter. Well, we both got upset and went outside. He tried to come talk to me but I was on the phone and I was so hurt to talk to him so he went away. I went inside and it was about bed time. he asked if he needed to sleep on the couch or the bed. I said idc. and we went to sleep but of course he fell asleep first. I am still up and he said he was sorry he upset me. I did not say anything bc if it was vice versa and I said that mess to him, it would be hell of a lot worse. So, he tried to cuddle with me all night and I kinda scooted over or made him move back on his side. The next morning , I did not get a goodmorning text and I text him that I was upset with him. he said he was upset to why was I . I explained it to him but he was saying that I disrespected his friends. I said I am not allowing a female before me. and he said Look I do not want to do this anymore I am done. and we went back and forth.. I kept my cool, I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him and blah blah blah. he was not having it and then we just stopped texting. we both had school that day and I got home first . he gets up late at night so I waited on him… he went to sleep on the couch that night. I went out there to rub on him and he was like WHAT. I just went back to bed bc I knew he was angry. the next day when I got off work he was not home. I had a clue where he was at so I went there. I tried to talk to him but he was sorta nasty to me. He said that he would always love me but I will never change and he needed to accept that. he said all of the breakups were bc of my attitude. Now, I can admit I did have an attitude but it simmered down A LOT for him. I tried my best for him and it was not good enough. He said for a week he thought I do not want to marry her anymore so why keep this going. He said he would never be happy with me. Also, he quit smoking cigs and drinking a week and a half prior. I knew he was going to be an ass but this was the worst. He told me to get off the property where he was, and I said I hope you find happiness internally. I told him that it was him to (meaning I am not the only one that is at fault) and he said probably so. He use to just hurt my feelings instead of me taking it with a grain of salt. I did whatever he wanted to try to make him happy. I felt like he had unrealistic expectations for me. I am just so lost and confused bc I did not get the closure I wanted. I think like dang, if he really loved me and cared about me he would not be treating me like this. there are so many things I think, like he wants to have this control over me and tit for tat. He said he was tired of the apologies but I sincerely apologize when I think I am in the wrong. They are just petty arguments. I really loved this man and still do. We have so much history and we were each other’s best friend. How can someone be so cold to me? I know I probably did not handle the last argument we got in the best way BUT the old me would have been yelling and in his face. The old me would have been very angry and showing it. Instead, all I could do is cry and him just say he was tired of me crying. We have a lot of hurt feelings as you can see but there is one thing I can say it after all he put me through, Is still want him! I just do not know how to cope with this. I do not know if he will come back and be like ok we both messed up, I want to do whatever it takes. The other times we got back together I feel like it was too soon and we needed more space. I do not know if you have any kind of closure for me or what opinion you have on this. It is hard to take him serious sometimes though.
Best Regards,
Brianna
Hi Brianna
Thanks for sharing your story.
You’ve already undergone a transformation the last time things were hectic when he told you “it was your fault.” This time, you have all the time in the world to make permanent changes and improve for good. You’ve dealt with anger and it’s paying off. Now’s probably a good time to improve communication and patience to reduce the arguments. You don’t need to do this for him. Do it for yourself.
You’ve had a difficult time recently and your ex hasn’t made it any easier for you. He expected you to be someone else for him so that the relationship could work in his favor.
You don’t have to be someone you’re not, just someone you’re happy to be.
Now you’re seeing his bad side—the worst of him. He’s capable of many things during this stage, so try not to make him resent you. You must instead give him space and time. Just like with the previous breakups, if he comes back it’s because you left him alone. Use this time apart to work on your shortcomings so that your next relationship (whether it’s with him or someone else) can work better.
Even though it’s him who left you, accepting him back without much thought again won’t be very good. He needs to be at your mercy and not the other way around.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’m not sure if you will respond to this as your article was a while ago, but I will give it a shot anyway.
I was dating my ex for 3 years and it was a long distance relationship. He lives around 4 hours away from me and I would visit him three times a year, sometimes four. WrestleMania season, summer, and Christmas/New Year. We were doing great until last Sunday, he decided to leave me for the “party life” which includes getting drunk every weekend like a “normal teenager”. Which is fair enough, I suppose. However, I have been so heartbroken and I know it’s only been a week but he has already downloaded Tinder which is apparently just for a “laugh”. I’m not sure if he will ever want to get back with me. And when I poured my heart out to him saying how I wasn’t coping without him, he said my sadness “isn’t his issue”.
I don’t know what to do… I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel to a girl they were with for 3 years. I’m not sure if this is just a phase, and he will regret it later on, but it’s hurting so much at the moment. I appreciate any response you give me, if you decide to do so.
Many thanks.
Hi Maree.
I’m sorry to hear your relationship has come to an end. Normally, 3-4 years is the time when relationships either make it or break it. Although I cannot say for sure why yours ended, I speculate it has something to do with his freedom and restrictions. He felt suffocated and wanted to explore other options. This includes drinking, partying and dating. Again, I’m not entirely sure why he felt this way. It could be he started fancying and talking to another girl or perhaps he just got tired of being in a relationship. He thought it’s preventing him from living his life to the fullest.
Tinder is a sign of him breaking free and meeting other women. Even though it may be just for a “laugh,” he would still grab the opportunity if it arises. He is acting cold because he wants to move on desperately and show you he doesn’t care. He truly needs to be left alone right now or you could see an even meaner side to him. This relief phase will eventually come to an end, and that’s when he will revert back to a more sensible person. If you pressure him now, he could really end up destroying your self-esteem.
Whether the relationship lasts 1, 3 or 10 years, the break-up is usually the same. The one who gives up wants to be left alone and focuses on new things with new people. Since he doesn’t care how much he’s hurt you, the only thing you can do is to solely worry about yourself. Anything he does from now on is not your business. You have plenty of good things to focus on in your life. Your ex-boyfriend who doesn’t care about your well-being isn’t one of them. Go indefinite no-contact and you might hear from him one day.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Coach
I’ve just been dumped after an 11 year relationship. I’m a Male aged 39 my female ex is turning 30 this year. It’s been 1 month since it was ended. No children, never married, a brief period of living together.
I moved from England to Ireland with work. We met through work and spent the first 5 years extremely happy. My ex lived with her folks. Her Mum can be quite controlling and despite liking me would occasionally cause pain to my ex with manipulation. It centered around that she felt my ex spent too much time with me. Anyway 5 years in one day my ex was at my door, her parents having thrown her out. I did the best I could to make it her home.
It turned into a very stressful time to live together. My ex had never lived away from home and seemed to have a strange non comprising approach to living with someone. It was a stressful environment. There were little arguments, but I found myself coming home from work and feeling “not at home” mainly dude the intense brooding atmosphere, if I had had a bad day at work and wasn’t in the best mood she’d mirror me and it would put her in a mood. I felt I had to put on my best face. But I didn’t do very well at that..My part in not doing well with this is I started to withdraw. At the time I was suffering with depression that later transpired to be due to a thyroid disorder. After a year I was made redundant from my job.
There was no work in the U.K. or Ireland at the time in my field of work. So I had to travel overseas and commute back to Ireland after working weeks away. By this point my ex had moved back home with her parents. I finally was overjoyed to find a stable job in England that would give us a good future. I spoke with my ex and she refused to move, stating if I did it I would be single. I had an application in with another firm that I didn’t want, but this other job was “long haul” flying and would technically mean I could commute to Ireland on days off between trips. Not wanting to lose her I agreed, turned down the first job I wanted and took the second.
It was a punishing lifestyle, commuting on my days off. I found myself extremely exhausted when I came back after what was now a few years of stress. What I noticed is my ex didn’t seem to put much effort in. She complained we didn’t go in holidays or stay in hotels, but day to day I felt she was missing. Gone we’re the days where she’d pop by at every opportunity. I felt quite alone and tired.
This lasted for two years. This summer just gone, Her parents started causing her extreme emotional angst during this time with some dramas and emotional abuse. I had my medical suspended and was off work. I was preparing to return to my job. It involved some extremely hard testing and assessments. Just prior to this she ended the relationship out of the blue, saying “she loved me but not in that way”. After a few days I asked if we could “denuclearise” this and just be on a break. We both had some heavy stuff going on – her with her family and me with work. She agreed. A few days later she turned up on my doorstep crying saying she did feel that way after all. I was quite suprised and a little off kilter. I was so happy and added my feelings haven’t changed. We agreed to keep space for a bit, deal with our personal things and then get together and work on a future.
A few months later, I was back to work and her family matter had eased. She was desperately trying to get a job with the in a career she’d wanted for ten years, I’d always helped her with her goals, alongside be pretty much the only one who understood what her family put her through (her words). I found a job advert for her on a google search but it was in England. I knew she always refused to move to my home country, but I suggested she give it a shot. She was reluctant and nearly pulled out through the various stages. But I kept her motivated.
Well, she started to go cold just prior to the final interview. I laid my cards out that I was very in much in love, I knew we had issues that needed resolve and would love to join her in England if she got it for a new adventure.
She replied exactly the same as she originally did in the summer – that she loved me but not in that way. I was bereft. Not to mention shocked. She explained she needed time to “see how her feelings changed”. What followed was 6 horrid weeks of strained contact whilst I tried my best to give her space. She passed the final interview and a few days later ended the relationship. We met in the car. She cited her change of feelings also that she “didn’t see a future with me” which cut me in two. I felt discarded. I did offer my perspective that a huge amount of our issues weren’t our fault, just by any couples standards we’d had redundancy, a need to stay in her home town, plus abusive controlling parents determined to split us. I cited it was a good effort we made it that far under such challenges, and if she’d join me in England we could move forward with a new direction and work together to address things. But no.
Christmas came and went with a couple of phone calls instigated by me. All nice, but friendly chat. Gentle probing revealed she had had regrets but not changed her mind. A week ago we had to be in contact whilst I returned some furniture. She has been mega keen to remain “friends”. I from the world go said no and that after the furniture was returned we won’t keep chit chatting. The day the furniture was returned I caved in and rang her after to ask if she got her stuff ok. A normal chat. She ended it with “we’ll speak soon yeah”.
I’ve started no contact. It’s been a mere 9 days. It’s the longest we’ve not talked. I don’t doubt she is waiting for me to call and has probably vowed not to call me. I’m beside myself. She starts this new job in England in August. I feel slightly betrayed in a way. Can’t explain it. But colossal loss. At this stage I want her back. I realised the standard way is to go NC and crack on with my life. I hope she misses me and rethinks enough to see my attraction rise one I’m gone.
We were never a volatile couple, like fighting etc. Rather we’ve always been very close. Albeit grown apart the last two years.
I’ve been seeing a counsellor and she says this new job is like “new toy” syndrome. And I’m not allowed to play. She wants to ditch me, move to my own country (was never allowed to live there with her) , be a single woman but keep me as a slim back up.
Thanks so much for reading this story. Sorry it’s so long. Hoping that 11 years gives some weight to dumpers regret.
Hi Dave.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
I have to let you know that what you encountered with your ex is more common than you think. Both of you were mentally exhausted due to internal as well as external factors, which greatly took a toll on the relationship. As you know, one who isn’t happy with himself, cannot make another person happy. This is a general rule in relationships, so if you consider this statement, you will broaden your unerstanding of what went wrong. The fact that you were struggling with some internal issues, such as stress and anxiety from work, etc, and your ex with her family issues, the break-up was doomed to occur.
You felt detached and avoidant at some point due to your own stressors when you had your hands full with things you wanted to take care of. It’s a common act of selfishness for which you seemed to have no control over. You merely did as you thought was best for you.
What happened to your ex was most likely due to the change of environment and the new things she encountered on the way. It’s a form of GIGS, as she felt compelled towards new/brighter things, while leaving you behind. To her, it seemed like she could finally breathe if she had the chance to start fresh. She had been thinking about breaking up with you for a while (I’d say a month, or at least a couple of weeks), so once she finally did it, there was no going back. She became cold and distant, and there was no reasoning in the world that could change her mind.
You are right about needing to give her space. You don’t want to appear too eager to get her back, as it has to be her decision. She can only feel she wants you back, when you don’t exhibit needy behaviour. You’re doing good so far. Improve upon that which you can, as this is a great time for you to fix some of the personal issues within your control.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan
I carried a lot of guilt but last year I saw a relationship counsellor to help. My partner didn’t wish to join.
My ex has quite an emotionally abusive background. Some of her learned behaviours she brought to us. So I actually feel comfortable that my avoidance at that stage isn’t entirely my fault. There’s a lot that happened. My. Avoidancy wasn’t causal, rather a symptom. Hard to go into at length here. Suffice to say my partner had a skewed “taking” and “demanding” approach to us, without a willingness to meet halfway. There’s quite a bit of the story and I’m bit saying this to avoid self responsibility- believe me I’m laden with it – too much the counsellor says. But I know for a fact she isn’t an innocent observer. Rather she’s netted the results of what she put in too.
Apparently we slid into Co dependency, as you can probably tell. We didn’t start like that. It first started when I was alone flying overseas and she became angry for no reason and proceeded to ignore me for 4 days. It really did me in. That kind of started the cycle of “if she’s prepared to do that she must not love me as much”. And so it starts, you ended up fire fighting.
After that period my ex would placed immense demands on me but not meet half way, it’s hard to explain but a common trait in her family. They tend to believe people and partners work for them. For instance the job, I’m an airline pilot. I was offered a great job, but not only did she refuse to move, she pretty much bullied me into taking the job that suited her and demanded I start commuting. For my wrong, I let my boundary slide and should have said no, especially is it was my career. The irony being she’s since moving to England anyway.
We’ve always been otherwise extremely close. She was aware I had no intention for us to stay the same and wanted us to work forward tothether in England. I sense she’s rolled everything into this new job. A lot riding on it. Moving to England, new job, New Man. All her targets. Do you think there’s a chance she’ll miss me enough with time she’ll wave in her choice?
Thanks.
Zan, thank you for your excellent articles on break ups. My gf left me for a verbally abusive ex husband. I was a model bf, she always called me wonderful, but she wants to give her marriage another chance. Does no contact work in a situation like this? She loves me and wanted to stay friends. I said no way and told her I was leaving her life completely.
Hi Puma. This is a difficult situation because your ex is trying to reconnect with her husband and save her marriage. People have this “obligation” to fix long-term relationships, especially marriages. She knows it’s not the best for her, yet she feels drawn toward him. Her thoughts are probably “I don’t want to throw all these years and the effort I put in away”.
She might be feeling pressured by her family or anybody close to her. She’s an adult so she can decide on her own what she wants from her life.
Because the majority of people don’t change much, if anything at all, I presume they won’t last too long. Same toxic behavioural patterns will resurface and they will be where they started.
No contact works. Unfortunately in your situation it doesn’t accomplish a lot. If she truly believes you’re a great guy, and she left you anyway, it has got nothing to do with you. Depending on how long you were together and if she really loved you, I think no contact could still help you. She will miss you. Especially when they start to argue again.
Staying “friends” with her can be tough. It might not be such a bad idea to hang around in the background though to just remind her every now and then that this is what she could have.
You don’t really have a choice. You can’t force your way in, so you can either go NC and suffer less or stay “friends” and wait for them to fall apart. Personally, I would go NC.
Best of luck!
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Your insights are amazing. Thanks so much for responding so quickly.
I’ve known this girl more than a dozen years. We met online and it’s a long distance relationship. We both have loved each other as friends going way back. We had over five years where we lost touch, then she came looking for me last year and when we reconnected things escalated quickly to an intense romance. Her divorce wasn’t final, her ex learned about us and he was terrible to her at first.
I think she felt guilty for being with me before her divorce was final and he got nicey nice and talked her into trying again with him. They were married just a year but lived together for a few years before that. They do have a toxic relationship and she told me many times they were just a mismatch.
I agree that NC is my best option. I think being friends with her would actually help her stay in her marriage. She needs to truly understand what she has with him, which is nothing close to what she has with me. Your thoughts?
Thanks again for your help.
Kind regards,
Puma
“Her divorce wasn’t final, her ex learned about us and he was terrible to her at first.”
When one is feeling threatened, scared or sad, a common human behaviour is to retaliate with anger. His jealousy caused him to act impulsively and cause more damage than good. Unfortunately, your girl finally saw his “valiance” to fight for her. His demeanor was so compulsive, no girl really wants to be persuaded in that way.
Once he got her attention he sweet-talked” the girl into changing her mind.
Any behaviour takes conscious effort to change. I can’t tell you how much work it actualy requires to recognize the pattern, stop it, control it, learn from it and use it in practice. They are a ticking time bomb.
She’s already aware of the fact that she had a great time with you. Apparently what she needs is to experience abuse a few more times again to set her straight.
Perhaps the assurance that she would be happier with you could help soothe your anxiety and make it a bit easier for you.
I hope you’re not prepared to sit around and wait for her too long. Right now she made a decision and you have to respect that. If you don’t wish to date again at the moment, focus on other parts of your life that could use an upgrade.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’ve been reading your articles recently and I feel that the way you describe post-breakup for the dumpee and other topics could not be more accurate. It soothes me to read that there are people out there who understands and can depict what I’m feeling right now. I’m wondering if you could paint out the possibilities of my ex coming back?
We’re in our early 20s and go to the same college but I just recently graduated while my ex bf has another year to go. We were together for 2 years and I can honestly say most of our relationship was really good and loving. However, towards the last few months we’ve gotten into occasional petty fights that he could’t tolerate any longer and broke it off with me after we got into a huge fight about something stupid such as him helping me move furniture. (he probably used this fight as a chance to break it off). He also stated the reason for breaking it off was he felt that he lost sight of who he was and that we were too focused on loving each other rather than loving ourselves. He really wanted to focus on himself and I don’t believe there is another girl in the picture because he was very used to growing up independently and enjoyed time to himself. We spent a lot of time together recently as well so he might’ve felt suffocated?
After the breakup, I waited a week and tried to reach out to him with the occasional begging and pleading (big mistake) which ended up leading to “closure”. However, 1-2 weeks after the breakup, we’d run into each other while driving past each other in our cars. This happened 2-3 times. (Is this considered contact even though it was coincidence?) Since then, I’ve been in no contact as I want to use this time to reflect, but also give him his space and time to miss me. It’s been about a month and two weeks since the breakup. I also moved out of our college town back home about a week ago which is about 2 hours away. His hometown is actually 6-8 hours away so I’ve been wondering if he’s not considering wanting me back because of that factor that he’ll move back home after his final year in college.
After doing much research, I’ve realized that he could have an avoidant attachment personality as his parents argued a lot and he pointed out that us arguing reminded him of his parents. He’s also quite stubborn and prideful and said he doesn’t see me in his future. I also learned that what he said could be what he felt in that moment but feelings change over time and he might feel differently later? Also, could he be exhibiting the grass is greener syndrome thinking that him “finding himself” might be better than a relationship with me? I’ve been focusing on myself and getting better each day but sometimes, my emotions set me back. What do you think about my situation? (i apologize for how long this is)
Hi and thanks for the comment. The possibilities of him coming back more often than not depend on you and how you treat yourself. 2 – 3 years of intimate relationship usually decide whether the couple is going to make it or break it. Just become it “broke” in your case, doesn’t necessarily mean it cannot be “fixed”.
Sometimes it’s best not to take what he says literally. At the moment he most possibly needs some space to clear his mind and see if you are the right person for him. The quickest way for that to happen is no contact. You guys driving past each other does not mean you’ve broken no contact. Any form of actual deliberate contact (verbal or non-verbal) would mean that you are putting him on a pedestal. Begging and pleading surely pushed him further away and that’s okay. It’s common to exhibit such behaviour and it’s a good thing you stopped it.
The fact that there is distance between you does make it physically harder for you to engage with each other. Fortunately for you, you live in a modern age of social media and smart phones. You are just a text or a phone call away from making things right, no matter the distance. That said, don’t let the distance hinder your thoughts. Think of it as an illusion. Somebody could be on the other side of the world and you would still care for him. It’s a matter of space and time at the moment, so give him that.
Avoidants are usually people who have suffered from abandonment, trauma and overall unresolved anxiety in their early childhood. His parents arguing a lot might not constitute to him having an avoidant attachment style. He being neglected while growing up certainly does. Normally it’s engraved deeply into our subconscious mind and takes a lot of soul-searching to be able to point out the exact cause and work on the issues.
While he is “findind himself” I want you to examine what went wrong and change some of your bad habits that contributed to the break up. Believe it or not, this is the best time for you to make a long-lasting change. During the setbacks, focus on feeling better. After that, do the work. Rinse and repeat.
This part is important so I’m going to repeat it. Don’t take what he said personally. Let his pride run it’s course. Eventually he will hit a brick wall and think back to what he had. People always compare what they have to what they don’t/used to have. Sure, right now he might think he is better off without you. Life will most likely teach him a lesson. It’s all a matter of time.
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
It really helps to hear that from you. I have been reflecting on my faults of the relationship and really taking this time to heal and progress in self-growth. I also have a question regarding social media.
After the “closure” I posted on my instagram story and immediately after seeing it, he unfollowed me and unfriended me on snapchat as well after seeing our mutual friend’s snapchat story of me on it. I noticed that he also restricted me on facebook as well but did not unfriend me. He is not big on social media and hardly posts anything so I’m curious as to what he was thinking about as he was cutting me off social media. Perhaps that’s his way of coping and wanting to remove traces of me so he would not have to think about me? I also read that I should be showing a happy and positive side of me so should I be actively posting on social media or turn to radio silence to make him curious?
I also enjoyed reading your “5 phases of a breakup for the dumpee/dumper” articles as I could really relate to the one for the dumpee. Since I am displaying the anxious and hopeless-feeling state as dumpees feel, is it really true that my ex (the dumpers) do eventually feel the sadness and might miss me later?
Thank you again for your reply!
Hi again.
I’m glad you are taking this time to reflect on your inner demons 🙂 We all have faults that need resolving, hence why I really believe we should constantly work on our shortcomings.
In regards to your first concern, you have pretty much answered your own question. He is deleting reminders of you because he is having a hard time moving on without you. Don’t look at it as an act of being over you or not caring. It’s quite the opposite.
Stay away from his social media and don’t watch any of his Snapchat stories or Facebook updates. No need to delete him either. Instead, prevent his posts from showing on your wall. Out of sight, out of mind.
On social media, post exactly as frequent as before. No more, no less. Make sure to avoid publishing anything negative. This includes: break up quotes, sad pictures of you, depressing life issues, anything that shows you are affected by the break up.
Post all the great things you’ve been up to since the separation instead – new adventures, friends, hobies, etc.
You are already in no contact. By redirecting your attention on you and showing him indirectly how your life has changed for the better, he may become envious.
Dumpers have to go through certain stages. You being there can disturb the natural course of emotions and allow him to skip a stage.
That said, you want to avoid contact to let him experience separation anxiety as well as other emotions the no contact rule can evoke.
As time goes on, your ex will miss you (at least some parts of you). For them to reach out, they have to swallow their pride first and admit to themselves that maybe, just maybe they could send you a text and see how you’ve managed to stay so strong.
Hi Zan,
Thank you so much for your insight and responses. I will continue no contact and follow through with my progress and your advice and hopefully return here after some time with a success story to share 🙂
Best,
anxiousanon