Breaking Up When You’re Still In Love

Unfortunately, most couples break up when they’re still in love. Someone (usually just one person (the attached one)) still has feelings and romantic expectations of the other person and undergoes painful separation anxiety, denial, fear, a loss of self-esteem, and much more.

This happens every time a breakup is one-sided (initiated against the attached person’s wish) or when the attached person himself/herself is forced to leave his or her partner.

Typically, couples are forced (or think they’re forced) to break up when:

• their relationship dynamics have changed (their relationship becomes long-distance)
• their parents disapprove of their relationship
• the dumper becomes depressed
• someone cheats and gets dumped by the person whose self-love is bigger than his/her love for the cheater
• the relationship is too toxic or difficult to maintain (couples feel they have no choice but to walk away and find someone more compatible)
• couples think they’re not compatible due to a lack of excitement and common interests
• or when they confuse guilt for love after the breakup and think they’re still in love with their ex

Breakups in which both couples still love each are rare. Dumpers may say they still love their partner, but their actions certainly don’t show that. Those who show love with actions or express it verbally do so out of guilt to avoid causing their ex as well as themselves more suffering.

You’ve got to keep in mind that dumpers who want the best for their ex normally just show regular care (sympathy and the desire to help). They don’t confuse their ex and string their ex along for selfish gain (to clear their guilty conscience and receive validation and support).

Only selfish dumpers shamelessly ask for emotional support and act like they’re still together. They do that because they want to keep their ex close to them and get the most out of their ex. They don’t realize they can’t have the best of both worlds (friendship without romantic commitment).

So if you’re breaking up when you’re still in love, know that your ex has caused you pain because he or she stopped admiring you and giving you attention. Your ex has made you see that the relationship as you know it has ended and that you’re now forced to accept its terms and live with its consequences.

The separation has hurt you immensely (more than anything you’ve experienced thus far). That’s why you wish to stay attached and feel reassured and loved like you did when you were still a couple.

Such cravings are completely normal after a breakup. Most dumpees experience them at least to some degree because the breakup shocks them, causes them to lose their meaning in life, and makes them feel like they don’t matter.

The reality, though, is that the person who gave up on the relationship doesn’t deserve their love and everything they have to offer. The dumper deserves nothing but their absence.

Dumpees and dumpers who suffer after the breakup need to focus on themselves rather than each other. Self-focus can help them fall back in love with themselves and allow them to fix their problems and shortcomings before they even attempt to get back together or be with other people.

This is important because they’re not ready to start another serious relationship when they have such important differences and problems to work on.

If they reconnect too soon or date someone else, they risk rebounding and/or encountering the same issues with someone else. It’s best for them to take some time for themselves and reflect.

So if you’re breaking up when you’re still in love, don’t focus on how to reconnect just yet. Figure out how you can feel better and what your definition of love is.

Does love to you mean that you’re hurting because you’re still attached to your ex and want to be with your ex? Or does it mean you like your ex as a person and don’t want him or her to get hurt?

Whatever the case may be, love alone (the emotional aspect of the relationship) is not enough for the two of you to overcome the problems you’re facing. I don’t know your problems, but if love on its own was enough, you wouldn’t have broken up.

You’d still be together and continue to grow as a couple.

You see, love needs a healthy relationship mentality (determination, commitment, and willpower) on top of emotions.

Without a strong belief that you’re a good couple, you can be as compatible as you can be and you’ll still break up. No supernatural force will save your relationship because the things that determine whether you stay together or not are the thoughts you produce.

Your thoughts are the oxygen of your relationship. Out of 6000 thoughts on average per day, it takes just a few recurring negative thought patterns to negatively affect your perception of your partner and investment in the relationship.

You need to be on the lookout for these destructive thoughts so you can eliminate them before it’s too late.

One of the common issues is that people expect to feel elated and get a constant thrill out of their relationship. They don’t understand that healthy relationships feel calm and peaceful rather than volatile.

This explains why they take their relationship for granted, fall out of love, and seek more exciting opportunities elsewhere.

Also, sometimes couples are a good fit for each other but don’t feel that way. They live separate lives and focus on anything or anyone other than each other. Couples like that typically don’t express gratitude and find ways to bond when bonding is needed, so they disconnect on an intimate level and cease developing.

All they need to break up when they neglect their relationship is to argue, get tired of feeling unstimulated, or meet someone who makes them feel special again.

In this article, we discuss what it means if you’re breaking up when you’re still in love.

Breaking up when you’re still in love with the dumper

Breaking up when you’re still in love is extremely common and painful. It’s one of the most painful experiences you’ll ever have to go through as you’ll frequently feel like the person you love doesn’t care about your feelings and that you’re not good enough for him or her.

The breakup will completely mess with your head. It will make you analyze everything your ex did before and after the breakup, force you to put yourself down, and scare you into thinking that you’ll never again find someone as good as your ex.

These kinds of thoughts will occur due to your shattered self-esteem and broken sense of self.

It will be hard not to put your ex on the pedestal and take things personally when every fiber in your body tells you that you’re the problem your ex broke up with you and treated you the way he or she did.

Even though it’s hard, you must do your best to stay level-headed and remember that your ex gave up on the relationship (not wise-versa). Your ex was the one who quit, which means your ex refused to work on watering the relationship and communicating important thoughts and emotions with you.

That’s what ultimately changed your ex’s perception of you and caused the breakup.

Unfortunately, the only thing you can do when you’re still in love with the dumper is to let the dumper have the freedom he or she asked for. You must let the dumper feel free and independent otherwise you could evoke unpleasant feelings and incite an unwanted response.

And this response could make you feel rejected and unimportant again and reset your healing.

One-sided love takes time and effort to process. You shouldn’t expect to get over someone you love in just a week. It will probably take you that long just to get out of denial and start healing. Your breakup will likely take anywhere between half a year to a year to recover from.

Your recovery time strongly depends on the length and seriousness of the relationship, your attachment style, your perception of yourself, and the things you do to heal.

For example, if you were extremely dependent on your ex, thought your ex was the catch in the relationship, and refused to leave your ex alone after the breakup, it will without a doubt take you much longer to heal than someone who has a secure attachment style and understands his or her worth and breakup dynamics.

An insecure person who clings to the dumper for self-acceptance and healing will heal longer because such a person will have to take a few extra steps to increase his or her self-esteem and improve emotional codependence.

Don’t let that discourage you, though. There are positives in long healing times too. One of them is that you get more opportunities to reflect and grow as pain and unpleasant emotions are the biggest motivators for growth.

So if you’re breaking up when you’re still in love with the dumper, start working on yourself immediately. Figure out what makes you so attached to your ex and what you can do to get over the breakup in the healthiest and quickest time possible.

Of course, breakups aren’t a race and shouldn’t be rushed. But despite that, you shouldn’t waste your time sitting at home. Breakups indicate you’re not happy and that it’s time you start getting your happiness and health back right away.

You can decrease your recovery time significantly by avoiding post-breakup mistakes and understanding why the breakup happened. If you understand the reasons for breaking up, you’ll find closure, accept the breakup, and get over the traumatic experience much faster.

The mistake most dumpees make is that they don’t want to get over their ex. They want another chance with their ex and do better next time.

I understand that very well because I was a dumpee too.

I wanted my ex back even though we weren’t a good match. Yes, we wanted the same things in life, but we lacked the skills and maturity to achieve our goals together as a couple.

The point is that you shouldn’t think couples merely need to want the same things to stay together.

What they need are the tools to grow and persevere when things get tough. And sadly, many couples don’t have that. They stay together only for as long as their relationship is self-maintained and going the way they want it to go.

Anyway, here’s why breaking up when you’re still in love is so painful and difficult.

Breaking up when you’re still in love with the dumpee

If you dumped your ex and still feel in love, the first thing you should do is learn whether you love your ex or feel guilty and sad that the relationship has ended. Many dumpers think they still love their ex even though they just feel bad for leaving their ex and causing him or her intense anguish.

You have to understand that love is emotional and rational. Feelings and perceptions of your ex prove whether you love your ex and see a future with him or her.

In other words, if you think your ex isn’t the right person for you but still struggle to separate from your ex, that’s not love. It’s attachment or fear of the unknown/being alone. You need to make sure you know what love is so you don’t tell your ex you love him/her when you in fact don’t.

“I still love you” is one of the worst things you can tell the dumpee because it confuses the dumpee and gives him or her false hope. It makes the dumpee wonder if it’s possible to change your feelings and jump back into a romantic relationship with you.

So is it impossible to break up with the dumpee and still love him or her?

I think it’s very, very hard if not impossible to love someone you leave—and I’ll tell you why.

When you decide to leave someone (for any reason at all), you convey to that person, yourself, and the world that you’re not going to fight for the relationship anymore. You’re not going to put any more time, effort, and commitment into the relationship because you don’t see the point in doing any of that.

The thought of investing in something that doesn’t return the kind of results you deserve and hope for is not worth it to you. That’s why you’d rather end things and do your best to heal from the negative thoughts and emotions the relationship has forced you to feel.

That doesn’t mean the relationship is easy to let go of and forget. Lots of dumpers experience nostalgia and feel so bad about dumping their ex that they cry with their ex, hold their ex, and tell their ex how stupid they are for leaving. Heck, some even sleep with their ex and say they’ve never met someone as nice, caring, and patient as their ex.

But does that mean they love their ex?

Definitely not. Love is a feeling of loyalty, gratitude, respect, and fear of disappointing a romantic partner and losing him or her (especially to someone else). Those who aren’t afraid of losing their partner and being alone simply don’t love their partner.

They’re ready to prioritize themselves and accept that their partner is gone.

Love is either there or it isn’t. It’s the rational feeling – a reminder in your head that the person you complete and feel completed by is none other than your partner.

I know breakups can be confusing when dumpers are forced to dump their ex. But you have to understand that such dumpers are not dumpers at all. They’re dumpees because they got cheated on, abused, or treated so badly that they had no chance but to leave their ex and give all their love to themselves.

Rationally, they know they deserve better than an ex who doesn’t treat them.

But because they’re human beings who get attached, they still crave their ex and may even want to be with their ex. Such dumpers often need months of time to process the separation and get over their ex.

They need that much time because that’s how long it takes them to detach and match their emotions with their rational thinking.

Forced dumpers may struggle to let go, but that doesn’t mean they still love their ex. More often than not, they just struggle to accept the things their ex has done and that their relationship has ended for good.

Dumpers like that don’t go through regular dumper stages. They go through the stages of a breakup for the dumpee but at a faster rate than regular dumpees. This is because they’re strong enough to terminate a relationship that made them feel little or unfulfilled.

If you decide someone’s not good for you and end the relationship with that person, you could feel a myriad of negative breakup emotions. You could feel guilt, shame, anger, suffocation, resentment, doubt, anxiety, fear of judgment/unknown, and even a desire for attention and validation.

You could feel you still need your ex even though you have no respect left for your ex.

For love to redevelop after the breakup, you would need to change the way you think about your ex and see the value your ex adds to your life. Once that happens, you could emotionally fall back in love and start a new relationship with your ex.

So bear in mind that love is more of a choice than it is a feeling. Those who think it’s just a feeling typically don’t stay committed very long. They lack the relationship skills, determination, and loyalty to resolve problems, differences, and doubts when they arise.

Are you breaking up when you’re still in love with your ex? Would you say that breakup pain is the worst pain you’ve ever experienced? I invite you to share your views below.

And lastly, if you’d like to discuss breakup plans with us, sign up for 1-on-1 coaching by clicking on this link.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.