When a guy breaks up with you and says he still loves you, he does that not because he loves you and regrets breaking up with you but because he hates hurting you. He knows that his decision breaks your heart and gives you unimaginable pain, so he does the only thing he can do.
He says he still loves you, that it’s not your fault, and that he’ll probably regret his decision months down the lline.
Why go through all that trouble? Why not just be honest and tell you how he truly feels, you ask?
It’s because your pain causes him pain. The more he sees you suffer, the guiltier he feels and the more he suffers as a result.
This doesn’t mean that he loves you though. All guilt and sympathy mean is that he cares about you as a person (and his own actions) and that seeing you suffer is difficult for his conscience. Your ex doesn’t want to see you suffer. He just wants you to be healthy and emotionally well.
That’s why lots of guys cry during the breakup. They can’t stand seeing their ex-girlfriend suffer, so they hug her, kiss her, and oftentimes even say things like:
- I’ll always love you
- you’re the only person I ever loved
- I wish I could give you what you want
- you deserve someone better than me
- if we met under different circumstances, things would be different
- we might get together in the future
If your ex-boyfriend said he still loves you, you shouldn’t get your hopes up too much. You should know that he has a hidden motive, one that he may not even be aware of.
What do I mean by that?
I mean that your ex may actually be convinced that he loves you. But he thinks that way only because he feels guilty for discarding the relationship. If you ask me, that isn’t love. It’s called being empathetic and having sympathy for another person. It’s a quality every person should have.
So don’t take your ex’s love words in a literal manner.
As a dumpee, you must look past the promises your ex had made and all the I love yous he’d given you during or after the breakup. You must look for the deeper meaning behind your ex’s words by asking yourself, “What does my ex get by confessing his feelings? Why does he need me?” If you ponder about this for a bit, you’ll realize that he wants something only you can give.
That something is peace of mind. He wants to make you feel better so that he himself can also feel better. He wants to know that you can handle the breakup and that you aren’t blaming him for his actions.
Many people find love very complicated, but for couples who are ready to be with each other, love is actually very simple. This is because love is either there or it isn’t. It’s there when couples are willing to work on the relationship and not there when they’ve given up. It’s that straightforward because actions speak for themselves.
They tell you what your ex feels about you and to what extent he wants you in his life.
So if your ex says he loves you and wants to be friends, bear in mind that he chose his words very poorly. He should have said that he’s used to having you around (attached to you) and that he’s afraid of the path that lies ahead.
In this post, we’ll talk about why he broke up with you if he still loves you.
Why did he break up with me if he still loves me?
Now that you know the difference between love and attachment, let’s talk about something very important. I want you to think about a time when you were in a relationship with someone and had a really bad day because of something that happened to you (something outside of the relationship). It can be any day and anything that hurt you and made you feel like the world was ending.
On that day, what was your coping mechanism telling you to do? Who did you turn to for help or rather, how did you approach that person?
Whether you’re a guy or a girl, you probably talked to your partner who was the closest to you and told him how much you loved him. You expressed yourself very openly and showed him he’s important to you. The point is that you didn’t do this out of selflessness but rather because you felt an overwhelming need to receive love from your partner. You wanted him to empower you and make it easier for you to deal with anxiety.
This is a very common “technique” people use when they’re hurt. They tell their partner they love him and need him without realizing that they’re saying those words to gain sympathy and understanding.
I remember I subconsciously used this technique on my girlfriend as well. I can’t remember what exactly I was worried about (it may have been work), but I approached her by saying, “I love you so much. You know that right? Thanks for being here for me” I was stressed, so I said that because I wanted to receive her love and ease my pain.
If I told her, “I’m having a difficult time coping with stress and/or loving myself today” I would have been honest with her. But because I was afraid of telling her I was struggling to cope with anxiety, I told her I loved her and expected love in return.
Fortunately, I soon realized that I was confessing my feelings for the wrong reasons, so I stopped and haven’t said “I love you” under those circumstances since.
I’m not saying that a person is being deceptive if he or she says I love you because of stress or anxiety. All I’m saying is that there’s a better way to express emotions when you’re having a difficult time. And that is by being honest about the way you feel.
Now, how does this relate to your ex?
Your ex also said he loved you without understanding how he felt. He knew he felt something overwhelming, something painful, so like me, he instinctually did what made you and him feel better.
He didn’t know that giving you love and attention makes you hopeful for reconciliation, so he did what his gut feeling told him to do. He expressed his love and gained your approval.
If you’re still having a difficult time figuring out why your ex told you he loves you after the breakup, here are 5 reasons that could help you.
Is there a chance he still loves you?
Every now and then, dumpers stop by this blog and tell me, “You’re wrong. I left my ex but I still love my ex. I’m hurting and I cry because he’s gone. I know leaving my ex was for the best but I still love him.” Such dumpers may not be the most relieved and impulsive dumpers on the planet, but this doesn’t mean that they still love their ex.
As I mentioned earlier, they’re attached to their ex and have a hard time accepting their actions because their actions are reinforced with nostalgia, guilt, fears, worry, and occasional doubts. They worry that they’re abandoning a person who is loyal and kind to them and that they must love him.
Such dumpers have a tendency to message their ex a lot (send him breadcrumbs) and express the wish to stay friends. They don’t know that staying in touch with their ex hurts their ex more than if they were to let their ex go cold turkey.
I know why some dumpers feel that they still love their ex. I was a dumper before too. And I can tell you that I felt bad when I broke up with my ex. I felt a mixture of emotions. On one hand, I felt smothered and needed space from my ex, but on the other, I wanted to make sure my ex was okay because I knew she loved me and wanted a future with me.
Does that mean I loved my ex? I strongly doubt that.
I felt awful for being the person who quit first, but unfortunately, love and awfulness don’t go hand in hand. They’re emotions that seldom impress an ex, let alone bring him back.
And yes, it’s true that dumpers often come back when they get hurt a lot. But this is only true when something or someone other than their ex hurts them. When they feel bad for their ex, on the other hand, they aren’t missing their ex and craving his intimacy.
If anything, they pity their ex for the pain he’s going through.
So let me ask you this, would you be with someone you pity? Probably not, right? My guess is that you’d give your ex a pat on the shoulder and sympathize with him and not ask him to give you another chance.
I want you to be aware of this so that you don’t think a guy who tells you he loves you wants you back. He just wants you to be happy so that he can make the breakup easier for you, alleviate his conscience, and be happy knowing he can start with a clear conscience.
This may not be the information you were hoping to stumble across, but it’s true. Guys with conscience hate seeing their ex suffer because it makes them think that they’re unfair, mean, or inconsiderate.
So if you’re hoping that your ex still loves you, know that it’s unlikely your ex meant what he said. It’s much more probable that he felt bad for hurting you and wanted to make you feel better.
How can I know if he loves me then?
You should take your ex-boyfriend’s confession seriously only if he says he regrets breaking up with you and wants you back. When that happens, you actually have something to work with. You know that his words match his actions and that he’s not just saying things to make you feel better.
Sincerity is the first trait you should look for in your ex.
Another sign your ex loves you is when he’s excited or desperate to be with you – when he shows that he’s willing to put in the effort to repair what he broke and win your trust back. His commitment is something you need to look out for because it proves that his heart is in the right place.
So don’t analyze a guy’s words. Always look at his actions. Actions will tell you not just how he feels but also what he’s willing to do to make sure he doesn’t make the same mistakes in the future.
As a dumper, he should do a lot to impress you. In terms of investment, he should do 80% of all the work for a few weeks while you keep him under close surveillance and figure out if he’s taking reconciliation seriously.
Memorize what I’m about to say. Dumpees who accept their ex back right away oftentimes get broken up again. This is because they make it extremely easy for their ex to return. They just open the doors back to their hearts and say, “Come back, it was my fault you left,” and by doing so, stop their ex from making any necessary improvements.
I’ve seen this happen many, many times.
This particular dumpee I worked with got overzealous about reconciliation and accepted the dumper back on the spot. She was desperate for her ex’s attention, so she unintentionally signaled to him that she loves him more than herself and that she’d been hoping he would come back to her.
When she showed him how she felt, you can probably imagine what happened next.
Things were fine for a few days, but when the guy saw that she hasn’t changed and/or taken her power back, he started to feel overvalued by her, detached from her, and left her again. He couldn’t stay with her because he didn’t find her worthy.
Let this particular case serve as a warning not to accept your ex back on a whim. Don’t tell him you love him the second he tells you how he feels about you either. You may be in immense pain because of separation anxiety but you mustn’t throw your pride away and say you love him more than anything.
If he’s not with you, he doesn’t deserve your love. And if he just came back, he needs to earn it first. I can’t stress how important this is. Your ex must first redevelop love and respect for you in order to feel the emotional incentive to stay with you. So make sure you don’t give your ex any I love yous before he’s made it obvious he wants you back for the right reasons.
It doesn’t matter if you were more at fault than him and if you somehow caused the breakup. You must regain your self-worth before you can have a successful relationship with your ex.
Are you still wondering, “Why did he break up with me if he still loves me?” Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below.
And if you’re looking for personalized 1-on-1 guidance,Ā click hereĀ to see our coaching plans.
Hi Zan,
My boyfriend (m21) of 1,5 years broke up with me (w21) 2 days ago.
We had an amazing time and always laughed a lot and loved a lot. We saw eachother quite often en he had stressed before that he sometimes needs more space. I tried to give him more space but we always ended up spending a lot of time together.
He was often overwhelmed when I tried to tell him that I didnt like something.
Anyway, the break up was very unexpected to me, because most of the time we had an amazing time. The last few months his life got very messy, he had a lot of worries on his mind (housing, money, family, etc). He had clearly been in a depressed phase.
2 days ago out of nowhere he told me that he didnt want to be in a relationship anymore. He told me that he just didnt want all the stress and relationship struggles anymore. He told me he still loved me so much, that he still likes me and finds me attractive etcā¦
After I asked him why I accepted his choice and we cuddled. He cried and doubted his decision. This went on for a lot of hours. I cried to. He said that he didnt want this decision to be permanent and that he wanted to get back together after some time and space. But he also didnt want to lead me on. Then also wanted to stay friends. And after that he said he didnt want to break up at all. He didnt know what he wanted, but it felt like he wanted to breakup.
We were very nice and sweet to eachother and told eachother how much we appreciate eachother and all that.
During the whole breakup I tried to stay strong and comforted him and respected his decision. After I left he texted me and asked if I felt like having a phone call, it was about nothing, just chitchatā¦? Right after the break up. Today (2 days after breakup) he texted me some non-important shit and liked an old photo of me on instagram.
Im really confused, because I dont think he is reaching out to me out of guilt, because I was staying very strong. I dont understand why he broke up with me if he loves me? I think its because he feels like he cant meet my needs, as he thinks of himself as a failure.
I really love him and I really want to get back together with him. Thatās why I tried to stay strong and I havenāt reached out to him eversince I left.
What does this all look like to you? Because I really dont understand the way he is acting.
I would really like to know whether he actually loves me and how I can get back together with himā¦. I feel like we can really work it out together. We are an amazing fit, lovers and best friends.
I hope that maybe you can give me an advice. Also I dont know how/if I should reply to his texts and stuff.
Hi Masha.
I’ve seen hundreds of breakups just like yours. What your ex is dealing with is depression and overwhelm. He feels like he can’t focus on himself and the relationship at the same time. This makes him feel negatively about the relationship and urges him to keep you close (but not too close). He still wants and needs space so he can do things that make him happy.
He’s reaching out to you out of convenience, guilt, and perhaps even nostalgia. He wants the reassurance that he’s not a bad person and that you don’t hate him. My advice is to go full no contact. Don’t chat him anymore because it will make your healing difficult. If he want you back, he knows what he must do. It’s very simple.
Sincerely,
Zan
My bf m21 broke up with me f21 today because he was unhappy. He said if we both focus on ourselves and become better people, then maybe in the future we can talk again. we have been together for a year. He said I am the love of his life and he will love me for a while. what should I do? How will I eventually get him back? When should i try talking to him again? When should i start becoming casual with him? I want to become better for myself, but also for him. When i get better, when should i try to contact him again? I dont know when hes ready, or if he will be. I am not sure even if i should talk to him after giving him some space after the break-up. I am not sure if we should chat. I agree we both have stuff to figure out, but i dont want to loose him forever. Does someone have experience with this? We both love each other so dearly. He said sometimes people that love have to break up. He said he felt like i am not the one in a while, due to various things – but i think these things are things we can go through together, i guess not. he felt like i wasnt the one anymore, that we are too different, and that he didnt feel the same love. All i know is that I feel so bad that Ive been making him unhappy, I should focus on myself and what he told me I should figure out. At the same time – I cant help to have his “maybe in the future we can talk again.” and that he loves me so much as an motivation to become better for me, but also for him. he also told me in 6 months we can maybe meet up for coffee and start talking again. i had asked him again but then he said no because he things he will be unhappy, but i understand its a difficult question to answer 2 days after a breakup.
I had always asked him if everything is ok. I am an overthinker. And then suddenly, he would say he lied to himself and lied to me that i was doing good because he didnt want to tell me ( this would be something i worked on, like being good with his family). He has had a hard time lately due to leg surgery, life hasnt been the same the past months, but i have done my best to be on his side. he grew insecure with various of things, and i felt very bad – but tried to help him.
this breakup was so sudden for me, 2 days before our anniversary. The last time we talked about the breakup we were cuddling and kissing each others heads. he still texts me to check up on me, and has asked my friends to do so as well. he told me that i can always text him if i need help with anything.
Hi Julia.
If he loved you, he wouldn’t have left. So don’t believe his excuses. If you believe what he’s saying, you’ll let him string you along and make your life hell.
The guy got overwhelmed with stressors and associated negative beliefs with you. This made him fall out of love and caused him to seek happiness within himself.
You shouldn’t do anything to get back with him. It has to be his idea. All you can do is go no contact and show him you accept his decision and value yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, I just came out of a 2 year relationship things were going incredibly well but months back due to a trip and us being young we took a break and I found out he slept with other people. Later on we got back together despite this, and I talked out my insecurities, It was fine seeing it wasnāt my business as we werenāt together. Months later though, recently, I found out new information that made caused me to resent him as I felt everything he had told me earlier was very underplayed. Probably for a reason, but felt somewhat betrayed as during this time he had also texted me. I have resented him so much within the past month so much so he dumped me. A week prior the breakup we had the same argument and he originally just told me he needed some space. Unfortunately this was unable to commence as we had vacation plans, so when he rebrought it up again after i became insecure again (the day before the breakup) i let him have his space. The next day though he came back and he decided to ultimately end it. I was sad and we both cried. He told me he still loved me and wasnāt planning to get with anyone else, and later that day sent me a text saying he āeventuallyā wanted to get back with me but later sent in another text he couldnāt make promises about how he would feel in this future. These texts though made me slightly angry, as I felt guilted as the dumpee and slightly strung along by his wording. Im so very confused and feel I canāt trust anything at face value, we had a lot of love for each other but the arguments quickly became toxic. I’m even further confused due to how confused he told me he was whilst dumping me, i feel guilty.
Please help
Thank you
Hi Grace.
If anyone should feel guilty, it’s him as he told you a bunch of things you wanted (but didn’t need to) hear. He made it look like he was going to return even though he had no intention of doing that. The guy needs to learn that giving dumpees fake is a weak move and that he needs to do better.
Maybe he’ll do better when someone does the same thing to him. Try to forgive him and yourself for the things you did. You’ll get through this, Grace!
Best,
Zan
My boyfriend of 2 years and 10 months who I’ve been incredibly happy with broke up with me today, saying there are way too many differences between us he believes, and that he does not see a future with me, and has been forcing himself to see one but he doesn’t because we had “nothing in common”. Well, I’ll agree that we are quite opposites. I am structured, where he’s more spontaneous. I like to stay at home, make cookies and watch movies, where he wants to go out to parties, to the bar, and socialize. He is the sweetest, the funniest, and most value driven guy I’ve ever met. He cherishes his family, he’s amazing with kids, great at school, and everything I could love in a guy really. But, he apparently has been feeling this way since 9 months ago, January, but more strongly over the summer when we had more time to talk to one another. Only, there wasn’t much talking because we were closed off to each other for some reason neither of us could remember. Come the school year in September, him and I got very into doing long meaningful conversations that were so healthy, and made us fall even deeper in love with each other. So this is why this is so confusing to me. He usually is the one who hates when I run away from problems, or if I don’t express how I feel, but he hid his true feelings from me for 9 months, because of his doubts and fear that I may not react too good to him feeling like breaking up with me. It was so painful when he had broken up with me because we were growing as a team lately, and him and I were really happy. But he told me that no matter how happy we were both and how healthy we were, he still couldn’t get out of his mind how much he felt like he couldn’t be himself the entire time we were dating, and that I wasn’t approachable to talk deep conversations with. I was so in shock, because I love talking about these deep topics because I can understand him on a deeper level. I’m just so heartbroken because we obviously care and love each other a lot still, yet he said he was exhausted of how “one sided” he thought the relationship was, and that he was putting in most of the effort. Truth is, he never even reached out and spoke to me about any of these feelings so everything was shocking. He says “I feel extremely guilty for having to leave you. But I need to do what is best for me in the long run. I just don’t see us living together or raising a family together if we are this different and can’t have proper conversations about our true feelings”. It felt incredibly unfair because no, he hasn’t been communicating his feelings to me. This whole time I thought we were fine and that he was doing okay, because never once did he talk about all of these emotions he apparently has been feeling.
Please help me out with understanding and coming to terms with this break up. I feel like my heart is shattered and I know his is too, but how can he throw away our years of memories together? I was so close to his family and pets, so it burns me that I’m losing all of that too. He never was close to my family because of covid, and they were very strong with the “no one is allowed to come over” because they were afraid they would bring in a virus, which I know is stupid but they believe the wrong news. Please help me understand that I can get through with this, and that I can heal from this shattered heart. I love him and I literally gave every situational resolution to making our relationship work, but he kept insisting that he is sticking with his decision of leaving me, and then he broke up with me.
^^ We also kissed a lot and hugged a lot to relieve some tension and pain. Then we told each other we love each other many, many times, before he eventually got out of my car, and went home. (We had this discussion at a park in my car, because I’m most comfortable in my car so I asked if we could talk there.)
Hi Juno.
It seems that he’s convinced himself you were different people who were incapable of working things out. Because of his beliefs and his inability to properly express himself and deal with problems, he fell out of love and decided break up.
The guy stopped valuing you and working on the relationship, so things deteriorated and fell apart. It’s difficult for him to feel something for you now because he feels relieved. You must let him feel that way so he doesn’t feel pressured. Go no contact and let him do all the work.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I hope you could reply to my comment. I am new into relationships. I never dated before, and he is my first boyfriend. He is my first in almost everything. We have been together for 3 months and just today we finally ended our relationship. It started when his family started having serious problems and he didn’t want me to be involved in his family’s mess. He didn’t straight out tell me that we should break up, but I felt that he is shutting me off and would go days not talking to me. I wanted to be with him to somehow support him with his struggles, but he doesn’t want to open up. I felt like he is ashamed of his problems and had insecurities with me. I tried to be understanding and stayed with him, we talked last night, and he told me that he loves me, but I doubt it. All I could hear from his voice was tiredness and hopelessness. I do pity him for that, and it hurts me that he is hurting. Honestly, I don’t want to break up with him but I’m afraid that it will just hurt the both of us more if I hold on knowing the red flags he is displaying. I know his mind is too clouded and I don’t want to leave him because he might think that I am just the same as his family who never understand him and would leave him in a second. But I did, I break up with him and blocked him on facebook, insta and messenger and even on his local number. I also deleted all our conversations and pictures, everything that would remind me of him. I gave all his belongings and wrote him a letter of thanks. It was hard for me but I did it yet I regretted it now and I searched for his FB account, and he locked his profile and unfriended me. Then minutes after I can’t search his Facebook anymore and I think he blocked me, even in insta. Why does it hurt? It makes me think that he didn’t love me at all and that all those months were just nothing. I invested my feelings since he promised he would never do things such as this since he knows that he is my first boyfriend, but I felt betrayed. It was as if he just played with my feelings. What should I do now?
Hi Jeeva.
Your ex couldn’t handle all the stress. Because he didn’t express how he felt and why he felt that way, he associated stress with you and let it affect the relationship. There was nothing you could have done to prevent the breakup. He needed to process it in healthy ways.
If you hadn’t broken up with him, he would have broken up with you. I suggest that you wait for him to unblock you and make the first move because he’s still the dumper.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, last week my boyfriend of six months woke up and told me he thinks we should break up. It was completely out of nowhere and both of us got upset very quickly and spent hours crying together. We had the most perfect relationship we could have. We didnāt really argue, our familyās loved eachother and we could be completely ourselves with one another. Anyways, I know I was supposed to go no contact but I broke it. I left it one week and then asked him if he wanted to go on a date to see how he feels. We went out and had a perfect day both of us telling eachother how much we loved eachother. I went back to his and spent the night. But the morning after I had a sinking feeling knowing we hadnāt really discussed what this meant for us. To cut a long story short, we spent hours crying. He has told me he needs to work on himself which is true I know that he needs to sort out some things in his life because I think he somewhat let himself get too comfortable recently. He promised heād always be there for me and he really hopes Iām on the other side when he figures stuff out. He said he couldnāt cope doing no contact and that he wants to speak to me whenever I need him or whenever he needs me. He said he just needs some time and I agree that he does and that he should take it without speaking to me. He said this isnāt goodbye and when I got home I texted him as I promised and he replied and reinstated heād call me if he needed to and I was to do the same with him and that heāll take time to work on himself and that he loves me. What should I do? Should I reply when he texts me or should I go completely no contact like the internet seems to think is essential for a relationship to work? Many thanks, am
Hi am.
Thanks for sharing your story. You should go no contact and by doing so, get rid of your emotional dependence. You need to find your own strength to move on. It won’t be easy at first, but the longer you stay away from him, the more you’ll recover and realize that a guy who leaves you doesn’t love you. He just confuses his guilt for love.
So don’t get pulled back into it. Stay in no contact and wait for him to realize your worth. I’m not saying he will, but if he does, it will be because you’re not speaking.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My boyfriend of 10 months travelled to my house yesterday to inform me that he doesn’t think we are going to work out. I had not seen him for nearly three weeks because of his job and then he wanted to go spend time with his friends that are nearly three hours away.
This frustrated me a lot. I want him to enjoy his youth and have a good time with his friends, but I felt as if I was the last priority to him. He knew he would be working and wouldn’t see me for a while but he still chose to go to see his friends. Maybe this is immature but my reaction was talking to him about our lack of time together and that I feel like he no longer makes an effort to see me.
I’m ahead of myself, to preface, he came to see me maybe every other weekend. He came super late on Fridays and left super early on Sundays. This bothered me, I began to feel like he didn’t want to be around me. I have done everything I could to fix our relationship. I knew it was coming to an end, but he had broken up with me twice before and begged me to take him back. Of course I did.
The reason he left me was because he said I asked too much of him. That he feels like I am controlling him and that he isn’t enough for me. It broke my heart that I made him feel that way, but I genuinely didn’t feel like I wasn’t asking for too much. I just wanted to see him more and for him to put in more effort to see me like I have him.
Do you think I am at fault here and the reason for him leaving is because I expect to much?
Hi Christina.
You had every right to express that you felt underprioritized or neglected even. Couples need to talk about such matters so they can resolve them. You have to understand that only a selfish guy will put his friends before you. A guy who values the relationship will happily discuss things with you.
This person was a lousy communicator, Christina. He couldn’t handle you asking him things (which shows care and interest, btw.), so he detached and broke up with you. This person just wasn’t boyfriend material, and someone you could have benefited from now and in the long run.
I don’t think you had anything to do with the breakup, Christina. It was his poor relationship mentality, communication, and ways of handling negative emotions.
Best regards,
Zan
I know this is an old thread but i still hope you can help…
I am going through a breakup right now with my boyfriend of 5 years. We’ve come to the realization that we are not motivated as individuals to go and do the things we want to do. We only want to spend every moment with each other and not pursue our own individual interests. He has decided to breakup and move out to work on growing as a person and to pursue his goals 100%.. He says he still loves me and that maybe one day we will come back together again but that he wants us to grow. Do you think he is genuine?
Hi Zan,
I really hope you can give me some clarity on my situation. Me and my ex where in a long distance relationship so we could only see eachother in the weekends. He also has to kids and has the kids every other weekend so we only saw eachother every other weekend. I hadn’t met his kids yet, that was something that he found difficult because his ex just introduced her new boyfriend to their kids and his daughter had a hard time dealing with the fact that her parents where not getting back together and due to that she couldn’t sleep at night and would cry a lot. That broke his heart understandably. Anyways we where totally in love, tried to spend as much time as possible together and both made efforts in that way. He then introduced me to his parents and took me to a birthday party of friends. We even spend the night with his parents because they lived in a different city. We had an amazing weekend and did not want it to end so he even drove me back home (4hours) so the weekend wouldn’t end yet and we could spend another night together. Then the week following I felt like he was pulling away and the next weekend that we where supposed to spend together he told me he couldn’t because he wanted to spend it with his kids because it was the end of summer vacation and he felt like he needed to do something fun with them. I was confused by the sudden pull back so asked him if something was wrong. He said nothing was wrong he just couldn’t make it this weekend. Ok no problem. Next upcoming weekend we talked on the phone and he told me he was having a hard time with the distance between us and was struggeling with the right timing to introduce me to his kids. He said that his feelings for me were there but he just didn’t know how to handle this. I tried to come up with solutions which I think probably only pushed him away further. But long story short, we broke up. I was devastated. Did he break up with me because he panicked? Or are his feelings for me just not strong enough? This complete turn around just doesn’t make sense to me. Please give me some insight! Kind regards Nina
Hi Nina.
I think he slowly detached with time because he wasn’t getting what he expected out of the relationship. He wanted to take the relationship to the next stage but couldn’t due to the distance. This is why he started feeling pressured and ultimately, gave up when too much stress piled up. His feelings may have been strong, Nina, but his willpower wasn’t. And unfortunately, love is not enough to make a relationship work.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Previously I have briefly mentioned that I was in a 2yr long distance relationship which we were both very committed n dedicated even through covid then over a sudden disagreement he broke up with me in this July citing the long distance is getting to him since we can’t meetup. He then slept with someone within 2 mths n started dating her which at first I did not know about and we were still constantly chatting, flirting n showing care for each other and seemingly a mistake about the breakup. He constantly tells me he misses me n that he can’t afford to lose me in his life still and even posted on FB later to declare how he wished I could be there with him and so with the ease of travel border restrictions, I told him I am going over finally to be with him.
That’s when I discovered he slept with someone but at first told me he was lonely n he doesn’t love her but used her for sex but different with me and still wanted me to go over and this is barely 2 months of our breakup.
But now he said he is dating her and I can’t fly over to see him anymore. I got upset n did one of the post breakup mistakes by telling him how hurt I am n selfish he was for leading me on and not being honest. I told him his actions and words did not match n he ain’t the person I thought he was. With that he removed me from all social media but he said he still kept watsapp for me to reach out to him cos he din want to lose me.
We had another big argument and he was angry at what I said and claimed he thought I was mature and understanding to understand him better that is why I meant the most to him.
With that I apologised n even told him I was hurt and lashed out but I still love him and will wait for him to reach out to me instead and not disturb him further. He said he will write me but did not till date. I felt silly for losing my power like that at the end but I do still love and miss him and am overwhelmed but how do I now work to rebuild my worth and gain back my sense of pride with him. This is now within 3rd mth of our breakup.
Hi Jessica.
A guy who appreciates you only when you’re present might not be the right guy for you. He’s too self-absorbed to realize he’s supposed to love his partner regardless of how far away she is. My advice is to stop communicating with him immediately. If you don’t pull away, he’s going to treat you worse than an option and string you along for a long as you allow him.
I know you’re hurt and still love him, but you have to gather your courage and put an end to this friendship (if we can even call it that). You’ve got to heal now and rebuild your self-esteem. Think about whether he’s the right person for you when you’ve detached.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’m looking for some hard truths here because I am confused about whether my relationship of a year and a half was based on love or not. I until recently I was in a long distance relationship, which is not ideal but I feel managed well. We saw each other very regularly. My ex became seriously ill about halfway through our relationship, it was hard and it lasted for a long time. Despite the distance and not getting certain needs met, I stayed and supported. He has been on the mend for a few weeks, and I am relieved. But I did not think that he would cut me out as soon as the healing began. I was convinced that the relationship would balance out and that he would again be emotionally available. I thought this because he told me repeatedly that he loved me and was grateful, and there was talk about the future and it all felt real. Of course he told me that he loved me when he recently ended things abruptly, and said that he needed to work on himself and that he was afraid to disappoint me, all that. He also said something about wanting to be free, which stung.
Reading your post and the comments here, it’s clear that the love was not that deep on his part or faded along the way, probably because I gave more than I should have. How can I fight the negative emotions of feeling used and like a crutch for him while he was at his lowest, and then immediately discarded? Up until recently I could have sworn that we were in love. After having a very emotional reaction during our breakup conversation, I followed up with wishing him the best ā but in reality I feel angry. I’m looking to make peace with what to has been a bit of a traumatizing experience for me.
-Alma
Hi Alma.
Instead of feeling used, consider your help to have been selfless. You wanted the best for your ex, so you helped him because you’re a good personārather than because you wanted to gain something from him. I think that your ex appreciated your help at first, but when he recovered a bit, he also detached and started craving space.
All in all, the unfortunate deterioration of his health affected his emotional health and caused him to think and feel differently about you. He should have taken care of himself so he could have stayed in love with you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thank you for your article.
I have been with my ex for 6 months and we’ve broken up two months ago but i can’t get closure from him.
We got together even though we are both depressive and anxious, but we managed to live with these while curing our wounds on our own. We were doing absolutely amazing even with the distance separating us. But then, around june, he started to ghost me because he was being very anxious and was in a dark place. I let him be while assuring him i wasnt leaving and that i would give him space and time. He came back a few weeks later with a breakup that i had to bring up because he couldnt do it himself.
He didnt really explain why. He just said it was better to stop. As someone who needs explanations on such things, especially since his words and action didnt match the sudden breakup, i started to overthink. I went to talk to him 2 or 3 weeks later. He basically told me he still loved me and wanted to find a solution to his problems, and that he felt guilty which is why he pushed me away. But didnt say much more. I still kept thinking “ok he still loves me, we’re going to be ok someday”.
Then two weeks after that, i was on a call with him and our friends and when i thought i was alone and my microphone was muted, my ex was actually here and heard me crying. This leaded to a discussion about us, where his speech changed. He said that we didnt bring anything to each other (despite telling and showing me the contrary all the time), that he didnt want us, that he didnt want to fall in love again.
Now I am back to level 0 because he’s telling me there is no hope. How could his speech change so quickly ?
What is on his mind ? I am so lost. Do you have any advices for me ?
Have a nice day and thank you
Hi Elsa.
I’m sorry to say that your ex’s guilt and confession of “love” didn’t indicate that he loved you. He said that because he didn’t know what to tell you to ease your anxiety. That’s why he avoided telling you the truth (lied) and gave you false hope. It was a cowardly move, so don’t think about it, Elsa.
Your ex currently doesn’t want to be in a relationship. It’s probably because he isn’t strong enough to invest in the relationship. He’s anxious/depressed and can only do it on his own. It’s best that you stay away from him or you could get seriously hurt. My advice is to work on overcoming your emotional difficulties and then find a guy you’ll want and not need to rely on.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan ,
I have been in my relationship for 21 years and my partner called it off 4 months ago , saying he thinks we should split as we are not good for each other and a split would be good for us both and that he loves me and will always love me , which I obviously found confusing as you don’t give up on a relationship if you love someone.
Anyway my situation is complicated as the house belongs to him so it is me who has to move out so currently still living there with him as trying to find a house within my budget is difficult at the moment which is killing me as my anxiety is through the roof.
He confuses me with his actions as he can be hot & cold then he can be really nice doing things for me, he stills speaks to me like we are together, teasing me and is asking where I am going when off out.
Initially after the split he was still sleeping in the same bed, but wouldn’t touch me so I asked if he would sleep on the couch which he agreed to do.
He did confess to me a few weeks ago that he often doubts his decision, but I didn’t rise to it & just said maybe your right , maybe we need to break up in order to grow.
I often see him looking at me but don’t know if he is just doing this to check I am ok as sometimes he does see me get upset about the break up.
I have never pleaded or asked him to get back but have made the mistake recently about asking for his real reasons for breaking up as this constantly changes in conversations
I sometimes I feel he thinks he has control over me whilst I am in his house.
I know I need to get out of that house which will hopefully happen soon but just wondering if you have any advices as how best to handle the situation whilst still living together?
Hi Alison.
Your ex is hot and cold which means that he’s trying to do the right thing (be nice to you), but is struggling to do that. He seems to feel a bit trapped in the relationship with you and needs space to rediscover himself. That’s why you should communicate only about important things. Don’t ask him any difficult questions that involve his feelings, behavior, or the future.
Just mind your own business and show him that you’ve accepted the breakup and that you’ve got the strength to live without him. He needs some time to himself right now, Alison, so do move out when you can and try not to stay in touch.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I have been with my boyfriend for the past two years, we had both just broken up from long term relationships and we just connected.
We shared the same interests, had the same goals in life.
After six months he was offered a job away for two years. I started Uni and we managed to see each other every other weekend for neatly a year.
At the beginning I found out he had joined Tinder and was messaging other girls, they actually saw me on his profile and contacted me.
We broke up for a few weeks, his excuse was that he thought I would go off the rails and leave him.
We sorted things out and he travelled every weekend to be with me, bought all my shopping for Uni, bought me new clothes. Sent money into my student bank account without telling me so I could enjoy nights out with my student flat mates. Everything was amazing.
Months later we had a row and I asked him if he wanted to sort things and he refused to discuss it. He removed all our photos off social media, without even telling me. He does get extremely angry and has a tendency to do silly things to hurt me. Heās always dirty after.
Days later he messaged apologising saying he was mad at me.
We sorted things out,
We had a great weekend, we were closer than ever, arranged to go away on holiday, looked at buying a house as he only had a year left working away so it made sense to make plans to get a house together.
He had his holiday leave booked and he was coming home to be with me in the next few weeks.
I unexpectedly had to go away for two weeks, I was worried about telling him as we were so happy. He travelled home that weekend after I told him and he refused to see me. Said he was busy. While I was away he came home for almost a week and went out every night. He started adding girls in Social Media and was liking all their pictures.
When I arrived home I phoned him and asked him to stop adding girls as it was hurting me and he said he would remove them.Things went from bad to worse he hardly messaged me for nearly a week.
I decided to ignore him. He messaged me and told me he wasnāt feeling it and he has wanted to break up for a while. I just said itās okay I have been wanting to break up too. Of course I lied, I loved him.
A few days later he messaged and heās messaged ever since. He said he was mad with me and he didnāt mean to break up with me. He loves me more than anything, has has driven to my house but I have refused to meet him.
He wants to sort things out? Will he ever change? Can he change? I am in totally confused what to do. We are totally compatible but I canāt have my heart broken again.
Please tell me what I should do?
Lynn
Hi Lynn.
I have to be honest. I don’t think this relationship will last if it keeps going the way it has been. There are a lot of red flags to consider, starting with all the girls he added before the relationship as well as recently. This indicates that his mind wasn’t in it from the beginning and that it will likely not until he’s changed. I’m not sure if it had anything to do with the fact that he moved on to you so quickly, but right now, he’s displaying a lot of anger which means he feels victimized.
This is bad because a guy who can’t control his feelings now won’t control them later either. At least not until he gets hurt and becomes forced to fix his behavioral patterns. I don’t think you are a great match right now because the guy is unlikely to change. He has a tendency to get upset and shut down.
I know you don’t want to lose him, but you mustn’t be afraid! If you don’t want to let go of this relationship, see if you can talk to him about improving yourselves individually. Have a serious, yet pressure-free conversation with him and try to get him to improve his anger, communication, as well as commitment.
Bear in mind that if the dynamics in the relationship don’t change quickly that one of his tantrums is going to be his last.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello,
I’ve been confused for the past few days after my ex dumped me while claiming that he still loves me. He said it also makes him sad and heartbroken, but that this had to be done. I had so many reasons why I wanted to continue the relationship, but he just kept coming up with his own reasons why it had to end.
I kept thinking, if he still loves me, then why has he already given up on us? This article somehow helped me understand that his actions spoke louder than his words.
He’s had his own fair share of mistakes in the past, and as much as it hurt me, I’d always end up forgiving him eventually because I believed there was always a way to make things work and I really wanted to be with him for the long run.
He’s been bottling up his frustrations for the past few months, and all of my small flaws just kept piling up and I guess he finally reached his limit. I had no idea – he said he didn’t tell me because he was scared I’d get mad. When I finally found out about the things that bothered him, I told him I’d do my best to fix them. But he said it was too late, and that I should’ve realized these problems on my own sooner.
It’s upsetting that I’ve given him so many chances in the past, but he couldn’t do the same for me. I just thought the relationship meant more to him.
This article helped me understand it better somehow, so thank you very much.
Hi Carmen.
Your ex claimed to love you because he felt bad about breaking up with you. He didn’t/doesn’t feel the way you do because he thinks the breakup is for the best. What he said was mean, Carmen. You weren’t the only person responsible for identifying and fixing the problems in the relationship. If he felt angry or disappointed with you, he should have expressed himself instead of bottling up emotions.
Stay strong and it will get better, Carmen!
Zan
Hey Zan!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you know you’re helping a lot of people going through the same rough patch as I am, and we all appreciate you. I will keep coming back to your articles as often as I need to, they help me keep my thoughts together. Please keep doing what you do because you are amazing at it.
Again, thank you, and I hope you have a good day!
Thank you, Carmen.
Feel free to comment if you have any more questions or if you just want to vent.
Best regards,
Zan
I broke up with a girlfriend of a year a few months back. I still loved her, but she was verbally abusive. I loved her then and still love her now. But it was a choice between accepting abuse and my self-respect. I had hoped that by leaving her and explaining to her why I had to leave that she’d wake up to how she was treating me, but she didn’t. I admit that it’s rare that a guy breaks up with a girl that he loves, but it happens under certain circumstances.
Hi Doug.
Sometimes people make decisions they don’t like. Deep inside, they feel connected to their partner, but on the other hand, they know that they deserve better – someone who will respect them. In your case, you were fighting a battle between emotions and rational thinking for quite some time. And in the end, you gathered your strength and pulled away to preserve your worth.
As you probably know, love isn’t all about feelings and attachment. It’s also made of rational thinking – thoughts that tell you what’s right and good for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zanāforgot to mention something you advisedāturn our observations away from the failed relationshipāand focus on ourselves as to what we can do to improve ourselves. All my working life Iāve worked hard in a technical field and never developed many dating skills. I guess thatās what happened here. Keep writing Zan
Hi Claire.
You’ve put your attention to work all your life and as a result, didn’t acquire many dating skills. You can change that now. Let your experience guide you and help you learn from it.
I don’t think it was your fault, though. It was your ex who allowed himself to develop feelings for another person and detached from you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zanāwhen I emailed him after Christmas about ending things last year he answered āDo you want to go out with me or not?ā He also followed up with a heartfelt text in March about not wanting to lose me as a friend. So I hung in there against better judgment because I loved him. But about a month ago it became obvious he was seeing others and had made no plans to see me. So I politely asked him to stop contacting meāhe probably laughed because he didnāt even care by then.
I didnāt look at his actions because there werenāt anyājust words.
This blog is very helpful to people Zan. I have learned so much on here.
Thank You
Hi Again, Claire.
You probably made it easier for him to leave by asking him to stop talking to you, but thatās good! If he stayed longer, Iām sure he would have felt even worse than he did. He would have developed anger or other unhealthy emotions and associated them with you. And that would have hurt you even more because you would have felt insignificant.
Stay strong, Claire!
Best,
Zan
Yes I learn this on the hard way go nog donāt analyze a guyās words. And to always look at his actions. Actions told me how he feels but also what heās willing to do and all this is thanks to your help!
So thank you Zan million times š¤
Yes, Linda. Actions mean everything and words very little.
Thanks for commenting!
Zan, can you write an article about leaving a long distance relationship when the other person neglects the relationship to the point of being distant? I left about a month ago, when my ex, whom I was serious about, would only text about 2x a month. Things stated to nosedive when he lost his job late last year. Yes I was not perfectābut because of the job loss I didnāt want to make things worse by asking him if he could be honest if he still felt a connection or not. I sent his resume out to so many members of upper management in my field, that I began to think his distant behavior meant he was only interested in making connections at work through me, and nothing else. I tried to see him last year twice, but both times he said he couldnāt. When I would suggest not staying in touch anymore then, he cut me off on the phone, and when I wrote it out in email he said āDo you want to go out with me or not?ā So I hung in thereāuntil he ghosted me againāand I just texted I was done. This was in April. This whole thing lasted about a year and we only met twice before he lost his job. Does that make me the dumper or the dumped? I wish him well, but my love language is service, and he quit investing with attention or plans about 4 months in when the job loss occurred. Should I have left then? I felt like that would have been cruel to do, like he would think I was someone who only cared if he had a job or not. Honestly, I make enough to where he wouldnāt have to work anymore (heās almost 60 and Iām 42). Iāve never been in love before or felt a connection like I felt during those first months. Please do you have some advice for me?
Hi Claire.
Your relationship faded slowly because your ex stopped investing in the relationship and distanced himself from you. In my opinion, you should have been the one who left because you weren’t getting what you wanted. You were doing most of the work, which is why he didn’t feel the need to do much. I’m not saying it’s your fault, but it probably sped up the loss of attraction.
Now that it’s over, you have to let him be. He has to reflect and figure out if he took you for granted.
Thank you for the article suggestion. I’ll write about a slow fade soon.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan.
Would you give me some advice? Me and my boyfriend having hard times, well mostly me. He said he needs a break just 2 weeks ago and it was comin from nowhere. He couldn’t give me a proper reason why he wants to break up. We live in a long distance relationship for over a year now. We have planned everything Im almost ready to go only this covid makes it hard so its not even that. He told me that I need a break but he still loves me. I called him and he started to cry. When I heard him I was so sure he love me still but when we finished talking, it was like he is a different person. He knows I won’t be capable to handle his loss but he still hurts me with the way he talking. It was 2 weeks ago. We are not talking 4 days now and Its very hard for me right now. Would you Please Tell me what should I do? How should I act? Why is he acting like this?
Thank you so much for your reply!
Have a nice day!
Hi Elsa.
This won’t be easy to hear, but your ex lost feelings for you. He doesn’t love you, he just feels guilty for breaking your heart and maybe even scared of the unknown. He cried because he felt bad, so don’t be deceived.
Now’s the time to ask him not to contact you anymore and start following no contact. It’s time to put yourself first!
Kind regards,
Zan