Whether your ex will change his mind and come back to you—no person can tell.
They can’t tell you no matter how smart they are or how many diplomas they have.
They can claim they’ve worked with thousands or millions of breakup cases and they still won’t be able to tell you what your chances are.
The best they can do is examine your situation by looking at your ex’s behavior toward himself, as well as you—and make a coherent evaluation based on how people “usually” behave in similar situations.
But as you know, there are no similar situations as there are 8 billion people in this world.
And far as I’m concerned, they are all different, special, unique, and often inconsistent at what they say and do.
That’s why labeling the whole population of the world as one singular type of dumper is so very wrong.
Everybody is different in his or her own way—hence why there are so many different types of breakups.
Some are mean, ugly impolite, vengeful. Others are amicable, respectful, kindhearted, and so on.
The point I’m trying to make is that dumpees or dumpers shouldn’t be put in the same pot. They should instead be treated with individuality and uniqueness that they deserve.
So if you’re wondering whether your ex will change his mind and come back, this article will bring some clarity.
Just note that it’s written for both males and females.
Will he change his mind and come back to me?
Luckily, there is something people have in common. And that’s what makes my job possible and easier than it otherwise would be.
Since we all grow up in similar societies, cultures, and communities, we tend to grow up similarly and develop like humans.
Due to our biological wiring, we learn, adapt, and shape the world around us by observing our parents, peers, and anyone we come in contact with.
This is something all human beings do regardless of age, gender, and location.
Every person in this world behaves in a way that reflects his or her surroundings.
What we learn as children and how we continue learning as adults is what determines our mental attitude toward life and others.
This is important to understand because based on people’s behavioral determinants, psychologists can evaluate or predict how a person is going to act or react to his or her stimuli.
For example, if a person had grown up in a violent, neglectful environment, he or she is going to mirror the lessons from his or her childhood.
These lessons may not necessarily be violent, but they will nonetheless affect an adult in a myriad of ways.
What makes exes come back?
People are like chameleons. We blend in our society and do our best to fit in and adapt.
We strive to get high grades, wear trendy clothes, get good jobs, date other people, and live a healthy life.
So when your ex does just that and tries to make a life for himself—but ends up failing miserably, your ex could get hurt.
He could encounter sadness and melancholia—and coincidentally experience an emotional setback so powerful it would cause your ex to self-reflect.
Your ex would then think back and look for people that have the power to assist him with his emotional struggle.
Due to his emotional vulnerability, his immediate reaction would likely be to contact the person who recently stood by his side. And that person is probably one of his most recent exes.
Depending on your ex and the severity of his negative emotions, he may not necessarily change his mind and come back to you. In all honesty, your ex may not even want to apologize for his mistreatment.
Your ex could instead feel overpowered with nostalgia and similar bittersweet emotions of the heart and want to talk to you to make himself feel happier.
In simpler terms, he could talk to you to use you and unknowingly hurt you as a result.
How do I know if my ex will change his mind and come back?
Without generalizing too much, there are 7 types of exes that comes back more often than others.
They are the:
- Team player
- Cheater
- Crazy type
- Magician
- Exhausted warrior
- Sorry type
- Jealous type
These dumpees all come back for the same reason – themselves. They show up when life treats them unfairly and often disappear again once they recover and feel better.
That’s why observing your ex’s personality, history, and recent behavior are the most obvious ways to tell if your ex will change his mind and come back to you.
Nothing makes things easier for you than looking at your ex for the person he is.
This includes his behavioral patterns, insecurities, shortcomings, addictions, and attitude towards life in general.
Although it’s difficult to predict whether your ex will change his mindset and come back, you can, however, boost your chances.
You probably want to say or do something to get your ex to see you differently.
But if your breakup is still fresh—you can’t make him love you again no matter how committed you are.
You must instead let him come to you whilst you secure the best possible circumstances for reconciliation.
Let your ex respect you again
You can’t force anyone in life to do what he or she doesn’t want to do. You can’t do it no matter how desperate you are for attention, product or service.
If you try to use desperation or force on a person, you will appear incredibly selfish and disrespectful.
So instead of trying to demand your ex to love you again, you must first allow the power of no contact to do its job.
Nobody knows how long you will have to leave your ex alone until he respects you again.
But if I’m completely honest, it won’t really matter for much longer.
If you rebuild your self-esteem, detach from your ex, and create the kind of life for yourself that your ex would only dream of—you will find better things to worry about.
Just imagine what it would feel like if you no longer cared about your ex because you enjoy your life so much you don’t even think about your ex.
Something tells me you wouldn’t have any room left for your ex if he came back. You wouldn’t care because your ex would come back to steal your hard work and happiness.
That’s why working on yourself in indefinite no contact always has been and always will be your best option.
It’s the best thing to do whether you want your ex to come back or if you just want the pain of the breakup to stop.
So take my advice seriously and begin to invest in yourself full-time.
If you do, your ex might also want a piece of the pie when you no longer care about him.
Don’t become dependent on your ex!
If you’re obsessively thinking, “Will my ex change his mind and come back to me,” it’s not doing you any good now is it?
Thinking about your ex after the breakup is perfectly normal. But overanalyzing your ex’s every move is feeding your ex-back obsession.
Knowing or not knowing whether your ex will come back is not making you feel any stronger.
As a matter of fact, it’s making you feel hopeful – reliant on your ex for your happiness. And that’s not the kind of importance you want to place on someone that left.
When you depend on your ex for personal success, you forget about the person who has been there for you from the very beginning.
She’s been waving at you all this time, but you were too busy looking for your ex.
That person is you. So grab your own attention and focus strictly on yourself.
Even though your ex could change his mind and come back to you in the future, you shouldn’t hope too much.
If you do, you’re going to keep your ex in your system instead of doing the tasks that help you grow and get over your ex.
If he comes back, that’s great and if he doesn’t, it’s great too!
Most dumpers are over us the minute they pull the trigger. They don’t obsess over us, think about us much, cry or spend ages coming up with plans to better themselves.
They just don’t have the drive to do so because they don’t care about their image.
That’s why you must also stop caring so much so that you can live a healthier life.
Even though your pain may be the main factor that drives you toward self-improvement right now, you should not suffer and delay your recovery.
Remind yourself that you’re not to be blamed for the way your relationship has ended and that you’re even less responsible for your ex’s feelings, words, and actions toward you.
You’re merely a person who’s suffered a loss—and as a result, need a lot of time, love, and support to recover.
You need to keep moving forward whether your ex is talking to you or not.
So forget about the 30-day no contact rule and other devious tricks that are never going to make your ex want to come back.
It’s never going to work on an unreceptive ex. And if it by some chance does, your ex will most likely take you for granted again because you will come back to your ex and not the other way around.
Making your ex want you back is the only way to get him back. This means that you must allow your ex to come back if he wants to.
You don’t need to “act fast” or he’ll be gone forever. You don’t even need to show him you care about him.
If your ex wants to come back to you, he will. But you need to retain your value at all costs so that he can learn to respect you again.
He will change his mind if you don’t try to change his mind
Realistically speaking, nobody knows if your ex will change his mind and come back to you.
But if he does, it will happen only when you leave your ex completely alone.
This means you don’t reason, argue, annoy, or insult your ex.
You must instead let your ex experience the kind of freedom he wants—which is what the breakup so eagerly demands.
So instead of using force and various manipulation tactics, give your ex all the space he asks for.
Do this even if your ex starts dating someone else and hurts you very much.
Remember that there is no way to beg and plead or to guilt-trip your ex to come back. You can only make bad matters even worse if you try.
So think of this piece of advice whenever you’re having a bad day and you want to contact your ex first.
What if he doesn’t change his mind?
If your ex doesn’t change his mind and come back to you, you will know your ex doesn’t love you.
And that’s okay!
Eventually, you will understand that your ex is not meant for you and that someone better will fulfill your needs.
I know it can feel intimidating if you’ve just come out of a long-term relationship and you’re afraid of never finding “someone like your ex again.”
But if you somehow find someone like your ex, it would likely mean that your new relationship is going to end the exact same way. And that’s not something that you want.
So don’t hope to find someone similar to your ex.
By all means, look for a good, hard-working respectful person. But don’t look for your ex.
You won’t find him no matter how hard you look.
All you will instead find are reminders of your ex which will keep you glued to your ex and prevent you from moving on.
You might even develop trust issues that could require therapy to get rid of.
So avoid looking for a dead person and keep an eye out for someone completely different.
It’s only a matter of time before you find him.
Did your ex change his mind and come back to you or are you still waiting? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hi Zan
Do you still answer relationship questions on this page?Just want to make sure you do before I post my story and question.
Thank you!
Anna
Hi Anna.
I still reply to comments, so feel free to post your questions/story.
I’m looking forward to your response!
Zan
Dear Zan,
It has been almost six weeks since my break up and I have been completely devastated. Finding your article today actually helped me a lot so I thank you. My ex and I had a great relationship for ten months, then he started dealing with a lot of stress from work/money was drinking more and spending a lot of time with his friends. I would get invited along which oftentimes I would come because I liked his friends and wanted to see him. But the more he drank the meaner he got. I eventually sat him down and told him I wasn’t ok with the way he treated me when he was drinking with the boys. That I had no problem spending time with him and his friends, but I wanted at least one weekend night where it could be just us as we hadn’t spent a lot of alone time with each other lately. He agreed and followed through. The more stress he was under though the next thing I knew he was always rescheduling and acting like I was going to blow up at him for changing our plans (which I never did). He wouldn’t reach out to me at all and when I finally would just say hey just checking in, hope you had a good day around 8pm he would yell at me that it was a two way street if I wanted so bad to talk to him. We went long distance due to his job a short time after and during this time he was extremely hot and cold with me. One minute he missed me wanted to talk all day and couldn’t wait to see me. The next he was mad I asked him how his day was. This continued on for two months. We even planned to take a trip together. At one point when things were really good, he brought up that he was renewing his lease and I said “oh cool perfect maybe when that is up or gets close to it we can finally sit and talk if moving in together is something we want” mind you this was going to be another year later and was something we had already discussed numerous times. We got into our biggest/first fight over this because I was apparently pushing him to make a decision for something now and had been super “needy” during these past two months. He came home a week later and after spending the night with me pretending everything was fine, he broke up with me. I truthfully do not believe my behavior was needy but for some reason he thought so. I never said he couldn’t see his friends, just that I also asked him to make time for me and just communicate with me/check in every so often. I never needed to talk to someone all day that’s outrageous.
I’ve done my no contact. Only reached out once to get something back and that was after two weeks. It’s now been four since we’ve spoken. He was hot and cold during that conversation as well but I told him I respect the fact his feelings had changed or that he was confused and wished him the best. I miss him so much though and these past four weeks have been extremely difficult for me. I’ve tried to work on myself spend time with my friends and do things I enjoy. I even muted him on all social media as I wasn’t ready to cut ties completely but do not want to see his stuff. He’s been interacting with my best friends a little too much though. Without going into a lot of detail, it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t know if he’s trying to get a reaction from me or just flat out being mean but I don’t like it.
Dear Zan,
My ex for almost 2 years broke up with me few days ago. We are in long distance relationship. The quarantine has changed him into a bitter and hateful person. Hating himself, hating the world and the people, losing patience, and it seems like he is depressed because of his situation (no job, no goal, no motivation) and been drowning himself in video games (but he doesn’t admit that he is depressed). And i was very supportive and even play the games together with him online. The last time i was there for three months right before quarantine happened everything was fine and that the marriage plan still on the table (to close the distance gap). 4 days ago he called me said that he has been thinking a lot about the relationship and that we are on different chapter of our lifes, he mentioned that he doesn’t want to get married for at least the next 10 years or having kids. it is so sudden and i did not see this coming. But i know he is hurting and that he thinks that he has to do something with his life and that he couldnt bear to think about the pressure of marriage right now. He told me that he loves me so much and that i am amazing but we want different things. It is shocking because before this we were perfect, we were fine. This covid-19 situation really had change him.
I really want to be there with him, and i wanted to tell that he doesnt have to think about marriage and that im willing to compromise but do not break up the relationship. What should i do? We haven’t contacted eachother for 4 days.
We were not really official, but we had dated for 6,5 months. I was so close to falling in love with him, I was about to ask him to be my boyfriend (sounds lame, but I believe in labels and actually stating what relationship you are in). Before I had a chance to do so, he dumped me.
However I had to ask him if he still liked me for him to dump me. I think he was about to ghost me. During our dating relationship he had forgotten about two dates, been late multiple times, and when he finally was honest with the fact that he does not want to be with me he blamed both of us for not taking any initiative. This was very hurtful, and truth be told I would have tried to save whatever we had if he had just told me how he felt. I even asked him twice. Yet he only told me this while dumping me.
So I do not believe he respects me. but I do not think this is personal, I think this is just how he might be as a person. Obviously I am still hurt, but I do miss him. Even though his behaviour has been so mean. And I want to be with him, even though I do understand that I deserve someone who treats me better.
This article was nice to read. I think what I need is just a lot of time and as you write, time to be with myself. However, I am in a lot of pain, I miss him so very much and I am not sure if I will ever forget him, but I will fight through this. If he would contact me though, I am not sure what I would do. I know this is going to sound a little childish, but I would like to yell at him a little bit, it will not make me look great but I think it would make me feel better (he dumped me over text, so I do not feel like I got enough closure).
Sorry, this is a lot of text. It is my first breakup, this article was nice to read, and I just needed someplace to vent a little bit, so that I do not bother my friends more with this, it has been a month already.
Dear Zan, First of all, I want to say thanks for all the videos and resources that you have provided for people like me who are going through painful breakups. I am thankful for them and they are keeping me from breaking down. I am devastated and I am sure you already know that. I really thought she was the love of my life. When she broke up with me I am just broken.
My ex for 3 months, is convinced or at least convinced herself that I am a cheater and I spun out all these lies to be with her while I am also with my lover. I can’t convinced her no matter how opened I was with her. Her theories about how I cheated are so out of this world that I cannot even begin to comprehend how I could even achieve all that she accused me of. Her accusations are illogical and also inconsistent. I understand that she has basically worked herself into this hardened emotional state so that she can break up with me.
I am doing NC and I do not initiate any conversations. The last time she text me, she still continued to accuse me of cheating or snidely insinuate that I am now happily living with my lover even though I am just alone in my apartment trying to piece myself together. I am so lost. I love her so much and treasure her so much that I never cheated! I tried everything reasonable and mature by being calm and not respond to her aggravation or accusations and also not carry the conversation even though the accusations are very hurtful. I am now trying to just take care and rebuilding myself
Could you help me by telling me how I could respond if she say such things again? I really want her back but I don’t know how to respond when she says things like that so that we can try again if she is ever ready to come back.
Hi Erick.
Thanks for commenting.
Whenever she accuses you of cheating, I suggest you act calm and ask her why she would think you’d do something like that.
If you talk to her via phone, make sure your tone is respectful and sympathetic.
And if it’s via text, pay attention to the way you type. Don’t use ambiguous words that she could interpret differently.
Tell her you wish she wouldn’t be feeling this way and that you’re always ready to discuss her feelings.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, So me and my ex were in a relationship for 3 years and have known each other for 5. Our relationship starting off was amazing. About 6 months in he broke up with me out of nowhere because he told me at the time he felt like I was falling more for him than he was for me. 4 days later he called me saying he wanted me back and made a mistake and said that he basically said those things because he was dealing with a lot of stress as far as school, work, etc, and should have been open to me about it. Things were going well and we stayed together up until June 29th 2019. There were however times where we would have near break ups I would say probably like 4 to 5 times but we never fully went through. We had always wanted to work it out. This particularly started happening more during the last 2 years of our relationship and we were also living together as well after a little over 1 year of dating. The day of the break up on June 29th I confronted him about how I didn’t like the way he talks to me in certain situations (such as snapping at me immediately when I do something he doesn’t like instead of coming to me in a better way and not so angry) and this particular a situation had happened the night before so the day of the break up I told him he needs to stop talking to me this way or we’re done and he chose to break up. I felt like at this point he was tired of almost break ups and just wanted to end it for good. I said fine and didn’t really feel the break up until the next morning. I asked him if we could talk and he agreed and I basically told him that I love him and I wanna work things out and I feel like our love is much bigger than this argument. He told me he loved me too but didn’t budge. He wanted to stick to this decision, he told himself and me if this ever came up again we were gonna be done for good and that he wants to stick with that. Up until August 15th he’s reached out a few times. Some of it was random messages implying maybe he wanted small talk the most recent one was August 15th (He asked about a health related issue that I had and was comparing it to his). I wanted to stay off Instagram (the only place we we were still friends) and his twitter and I had managed to stay off of Instagram for about a month and a half I did unfortunately however peek at his twitter a couple of times which would be the absolute worse place to look because I don’t think he knows I know his twitter account. Basically I found out he’s been seeing someone probably for about a month (roughly about a month and a half after our break up) I had more recently recently checked his twitter on October 4th and saw that he most likely very serious with this person and he’s was saying how “life is good” referring to the relationship. I decided to come back on Instagram that same night and discovered that he unfollowed me. I made the mistake of texting him asking him if we we’re good because we seemed to be on go terms prior so I didn’t understand, and he just simply replied “yeah we’re good” and left it at that. I didn’t say anything more. I don’t know at what point he decided to unfollow me because I was off Instagram for a month and a half so it could have been at any point, but I assumed he decided to unfollow me because of this new person. Right now I’m hurting, depressed, emotional. Deep down I know it’s for the best but part of me was hoping that maybe down the road we could reconcile if he missed me enough. But I should have known that wasn’t going to happen as it seemed like he was ready to move on and date someone else the next seemingly as soon as the break up ended which was weird to me because of how long our relationship was and why wouldn’t that have an affect on him? I guess my question is will there ever be any hope for us in the future if his current relationship doesn’t work out? Is this just a rebound?And in the mean time how do I move forward and heal?
How to get an ex back who is stubborn, avoidant, emotionless and has no introspection?
Dear Zan, I have three questions on which I hope you will comment. I am a fan of your logic and you have kept me sane since my breakup (13 weeks now and in NC). My questions are about no contact with an alpha male who always as a coping mechanism blocks emotions, buries himself in work and always pretends to be positive and happy. We had a very good relationship for years which was abruptly ended by him because I was nagging (so he said, which is a thing one can seriously doubt: let’s say he is the kind of person that shoots you in the foot so to speak and then says: why are you nagging about pain?). So thinking about my stubborn, avoidant, emotionless ex I ask myself:
Can a man block his emotions so strongly and focus on work that he does not miss his ex at all, maybe even never?
I assume it will take much more time than normally in no contact to make him remember me. Which brings me to the following question:
Do you think it is true what many dating coaches say that after three-seven months of no contact chances of getting your ex back will decrease much? He would be used to not having you and move on, they say.
How does one deal with the injustice of an ex who does not reflect on his own behavior leading to the breakup and presents me to the world as ‘the cause’. It would be so easy to just reveal to everybody what really happened but I don’t want to expose my ex.
I think avoidant types can easily move on quickly. My ex hasn’t once contacted me post break up after 5 months. She admitted that she could easily move on post break up as she could focus on the negatives in a relationship immediately,. This is typical avoidant behaviour. Whereas people with an anxious attachment styles focus on the good parts of the relationship post break up and take longer to heal.
So yes I do believe that some types are able to move on quickly if they have an avoidant attachment style…
Hi Mary.
It’s not his work that makes him shut his emotions out. It’s he who does that because of the way he is.
The more time passes, the easier you can reconnect with your ex. That’s because he will forget some of your “nagging.”
You don’t need to show the world who your ex is. Focus on you and you will slowly start to let go of the injustice. It’s a process that takes time.
Best,
Zan