If you’re wondering why your ex-boyfriend keeps coming back if he doesn’t love you enough to want a relationship with you, the answer you’re looking for is that he’s confused. He has mixed feelings about you and doesn’t know what exactly it is that he desires.
He just knows that he doesn’t want to disconnect from you completely because disconnecting would mean that he has to hurt you and destroy everything he’s created with you.
We could say that in some ways, he misses parts of the relationship, desires the benefits that come with it, and craves your good traits, attention, and the feeling of being admired. But when it comes to committing to you and investing back in you, he falls a bit short and does what exhausted, indecisive guys do best.
He does this because he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to grow his love for you. He lost it when he detached from you and began to alternate between coming and going. That’s when he realized he doesn’t have to work very hard to be with you.
In all honesty, you made it easy for your ex every time he wanted you back as you didn’t make him fear losing you or feel the urge to commit. You simply conveyed to him that he can do what he wants and by doing so, allowed him to stay in charge of the fate of the relationship.
I’m not saying that you’re solely responsible for your ex’s lack of respect, but as the clichĂŠ goes, respect is earned, not given. Most guys just won’t respect you unless they see that you value yourself more than them.
I’m probably being generous if I say that of all the men in the world, only 10% understand that you’re emotionally attached to them and that you may have low self-esteem.
The rest will judge you for your behavior (for the way you treat yourself) and treat you no better than you treat yourself.
It’s just the way people are. We like things the easy way. Especially guys who break up with their girlfriends and want them back because such guys think they don’t need to put in much effort. They think they’re doing their exes a favor.
So if your ex is being flaky and you’re wondering, “Why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me/want a relationship with me,” bear in mind that he doesn’t feel the craving or necessity to be with you. He knows he can come and go whenever he wants to because you always accept him back.
For the lack of better words, you don’t reject him and make him see that you love yourself more than him, so he takes you for granted and leaves.
My advice is to do what you should have done when he first broke up with you. Collect your thoughts and feelings, stand up for yourself, and show him the door. As long as he can keep coming and going, you’ll never have the relationship you want to have.
You’ll have an unfulfilling, fragile, one-sided relationship that probably won’t last very long.
And yes, there’s always a risk that by showing him the door, the guy won’t realize your worth and come back. But bear in mind that he won’t realize your worth by coming and going a hundred times either.
Every time he comes back, he’ll lose more respect for you and leave easier.
Why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me?
A guy who doesn’t love you could keep coming back for many reasons. He could be nostalgic, guilty, scared to be alone, afraid of the unknown, anxious, or depressed.
He could even want you back because he got influenced by his friends or peers or forced to give the relationship another chance by his parents.
His reasons for returning could be emotional or rational, but his reasons for leaving are mostly emotional because he isn’t able to connect or stay connected with you. Something always severs the bond and makes him run away.
That something could be a fear of commitment or some kind of personal difficulty. Maybe he’s stressed or has trust issues.
But even if that’s the case, your ex doesn’t need your sympathy. You need his because you’re the only person suffering from separation anxiety and grief andâand are hoping to permanently reunite with the person you love.
Your ex, on the other hand, feels doubtful. He has moments when he misses you, but for the most part, those moments don’t last long. They disappear very quickly because he always gets what he needs to feel better and move on.
His willpower just isn’t strong enough to stay committed to you.
That’s why you shouldn’t feel bad for him and think that his love for you is so strong that he keeps coming back for you.
He could be seeing other women behind your back and you don’t even know. Or he could be getting rejected by them and keep coming back to validate himself and feel better. Possibilities are endless.
I’d like you to be aware of the most common possibilities so that you don’t think that the reason your ex keeps coming back is because he loves you and wants to make it work with you. It’s much more likely that he returns to you every so often because he misses a stable relationship, the things you happily do and give to him, and of course, because you make it so easy for him to get back in a relationship with you.
So to summarize why your ex keeps coming back and then leaving, have a look at the infographic below.
For your ex to come back and stay with you long-term, something significant will have to change on both sides. You as a dumpee will have to improve your self-esteem and set some healthy boundaries whereas your ex as a dumper will have to reflect on his behavior, realize he’s been unfair to you, and fall back in love with you.
He’ll also have to become slightly afraid of losing you because that’s what love is. Love is caring about someone and wanting to be with him so much that the thought of not being with him and something bad happening to him gives you anxiety.
Why does he keep coming back when I push him away?
If the guy keeps coming back whenever you push him away, he’s doing it because he fears you’re moving on and enjoying your life. And because you’re enjoying yourself, he assumes you don’t need him to be happy and that you might be talking to someone else.
He basically doesn’t like the feeling of being left behind and replaced, so he runs back to you for reassurance before you get busy with someone else and forget about him.
A guy like this keeps coming back because he feels threatened. He worries that he isn’t the most important person in your life anymore and that he must do something to change that.
The problem though is that he comes back for the wrong reasons. He doesn’t come back out of love and respect, but because of his fears. If you want to be with this kind of person, you must make sure he learns to respect you.
You can’t just take him back on instinct and expect him to be the person you want him to be. Personal growth takes time and effort. So let him develop himself.
Why does he keep coming back if he has a girlfriend?
There are guys who come back even if they have a girlfriend. Some genuinely miss their ex and want to be with her, but most guys keep coming back because their new relationship is failing and hurting them. It’s showing them that their new girlfriend isn’t as great as they thought she was and that their ex-girlfriend’s company is enjoyable as well.
So if your ex keeps coming back to you despite having a girlfriend, know that something about their new relationship is strange. Either they’re arguing and not getting along or they’re having trouble connecting on a deeper level.
If you want your ex back, make sure to give them room to grow and avoid your ex as much as possible. When they break up, your ex might start to miss you and want to get back with you as quickly as possible.
Maybe even the next day.
How to stop him from coming back and leaving over and over again?
You’re probably afraid of losing your ex forever, but rest assured that your ex will come back if he loves you. He won’t be able to function properly without you, so he’ll come back to feel valued, loved, and admired.
He’ll need you as much as you need him. So while he still has some respect for you, show him that you value yourself more than he thinks.
Do this by saying no to him next time he says he’s made a mistake and wants you back. I know it can feel extremely tempting to get back with an ex back who dumped you and triggered your worst fears, but keep in mind that a lot of things have to change before your relationship with your ex can work.
Not only must your ex find a good reason (or reasons) to be with you, but he must also grow love and respect for you and make plans on how to improve his shortcoming. This means he must spend his time wisely and break his bad habit of coming and going once and for all.
Your ex can’t do that while he’s making a temporary stop at your place. He doesn’t have the incentive to self-invest. Your ex can improve himself only if he suffers some kind of emotional shock and realizes that he needs to grow as a person.
It’s the “I better get my act together or it’s over” conviction that can inspire a change within your ex because this kind of realization can make your ex anxious and afraid of the consequences. It can make him scared that he’ll miss out on an opportunity of being with a person who values herself and knows what she wants.
You shouldn’t give your ex an ultimatum about this because an ultimatum is still a choice which your flaky ex might not take seriously. You should instead tell him that you haven’t been happy and that you’ve decided to end the relationship for good.
In your own way, say that he didn’t meet your relationship expectations and that you’ll appreciate him a lot if he respects your decision and gives you some time to process everything. This will tell him that you respect yourself and that you expect him to respect you in return.
For the first time in a long time, you’ll convey to your ex that the time for games is over and that you deserve much better than he can offer. You deserve security and peace of mind.
If your ex cares about you and gets hurt by your decision, believe me that he won’t just give up on you. If he loves you (and I mean really loves you), he’ll reason with you and try to convince you that the relationship is worth saving.
But if he doesn’t love you and is more like a friend to you, then he probably won’t insist on getting back with you. He won’t need to because the breakup won’t affect him very much. It might make him feel rejected or even angry (some guys take breakups personally), but that probably won’t be enough for him to come back.
He’ll need to develop love before her can see what you bring to the table.
Anyway, if your ex nonchalantly accepts the breakup, know that your ex doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. He’s probably just bored and wants to spend time with you because he’s used to being with you and doesn’t have anyone better to hang out with.
If you want to make things right for both of you, you have to let your ex go. Let him do what he wants so that you can get yourself back and stop feeling used.
Right now your ex keeps coming back and making it hard for you to love yourself. He keeps pulling you back into a relationship with him and making it almost impossible to heal.
So do what’s best for you for a few months or so and you might even realize that your ex has been pulling you close and pushing you away all this time. He’s been doing that for his own selfish reasons at the expense of your emotional health and well-being.
Does your ex keep coming back and you’re thinking why he’s doing that if he doesn’t love you anymore? Post your comment below this post.
Also, if you’re looking for personalized 1-on-1 guidance, click here to see our coaching plans.
Re: consultant call
ZanâI looked at your services and feel they are very fair and reasonable. I value your perspective because you are unbiased by details such as social media participation (anonymity is crucial), and the ongoing market rate for one on one consulting. I plan to avail myself of the $200 callâas soon as I write down my questions for you coherently. Just so everyone knowsâZan has other services, such as email bundlesâthat are a fraction of this price. In light of his expertise I think this pricing is not only fair, but kind.
I am looking forward to the the call option because for me Zanâs blog has become a motivation.
Thank you, Claire.
I wish to make my services available to as many people as possible. Even to those outside the US.
Thanks again,
Zan
One of your best articles to date. I agree with everything you wrote. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way after almost a year of breadcrumbs. I finally cut the cord a few months ago. Although it was hard, it was for the best. I was really starting to get confused and anxious until I took off those rose colored glasses. if someone wants to be with you they will make an effort like they did in the beginning of the relationship.
Hi Nicole.
I’m proud of you for cutting your ex off. You finally see your ex for who he is now, and will, as a result, heal much, much quicker.
In your next relationship, you now know what red flags to look out for.
Sincerely,
Zan
*âBTW Iâm uneducatedâ
*I meant to say while academically educated Iâm uneducated in life.
Zanâif you ran for President I would vote for you. I even looked up the thing you said about the person who cares the least has the most power in a relationship and the person who cares the most has the least power. ZanâI wish you would offer paid counseling. Your post is the most honest stuff Iâve read. Iâve read lots of articles in online blogs but they never tell it like it isâthey just all say the same thing:
âGirl love yourself he doesnât deserve youâ. That platitude doesnât even give us coping skills to spot and extract ourselves from this kind of behavior.
Let me explain, I was raised by my Grandmother. She tried to do her best but letâs face itâshe was born during the Depression and was herself taught that as a woman you just put up with anything. In her day divorce was a rarity. She taught me that abuse from men was normal and that all men come and go and act like this. She herself raised us because she was abandoned by a dirtbag and so was my Momâher daughter. We were taught this was just how it was. Fast forward to my last relationshipâI wrote a comment on one of your articles on my exâs slow fade and his many returns and subsequent disappearing acts. You said youâd write a blog post addressing thatâand here it is. This is exactly what happened to me in this post. I was taught to put up with it no matter what and Iâm ashamed to say, even put up with his ghosting me. When I finally put a stop to his texting whenever he felt like it (about 2x a month), I finally saw this was not a LDR. Hell I never even got a Christmas card. You made me see that there really was no relationship. Due to my childhood I accepted it. Thanks to you ZanâI feel that breaking up was the best thing I couldâve done for myself. I honestly believed that because my ex was a U.S. Navy SEAL, that he had willpower and commitment. That he did not actually have these qualities when it came to meâeven when I treated him the best I could by doing what I had been conditioned to doâjust take itâmeans that he didnât value me at all. I have learned how to love myself from reading these posts of yours Zan. Itâs not selfish to live your life. Donât buy into the nonsense âride or dieâ. Trust meâitâs better to ride!
BTW Iâm uneducatedâI work in aerospace and have 2 degrees. Being taken for granted can happen to anyone if there is no respect. Over investing will not make him care more about youâjust the opposite.
Hi Claire.
Thanks for reading the blog, I appreciate it. I do offer email and voice coaching at the moment. You can find it here. I’ll probably make it more visible and accessible this Sunday.
What you say is unfortunate, but true. People who care the least usually have the most power and the least patience. They use anger and impatience to fuel their convictions, so they fall out of love and move on much quicker than their hurt dumpees.
Breakups make us think it’s our fault our ex broke up with us and treated us worse than we thought they would. but in reality, it’s usually the other way around. Dumpers lose the willpower and make it seem like it’s the dumpee’s fault. That’s why dumpers suffer way more than they deserve to suffer.
Your ex may be a Navy Seal, but that doesn’t mean that he had the willpower to stay committed to you, Claire. He needed to develop it, but for some reason, he didn’t. He probably never had to because he always got what he wanted in life.
Stay strong, Claire!
Zan
Wow Zan you are rocking
Def agree that respect should be earned not given⌠and I learned it after my breakup
Thank you for everything â¤ď¸
You’ve learned a lot, Linda!
Thanks for being here.
Zan