Why Do We Keep Coming Back To Each Other?

Exes come back to each other for different reasons. Some come back because they don’t want to break up (merely want to extort power and force their ex to change) whereas others fail to move on and find happiness outside of the relationship.

They get their post-breakup dreams and expectations crushed and contact their ex to lean on for support and love.

When they get back with their ex, they feel reassured and experience a short infatuation phase. During this phase, they feel empowered and convinced that their relationship is magical and that it has a bright future.

Sadly, that’s usually not the case. Due to the breakup (or breakups), their chances of a future together decrease with each breakup and reconciliation.

Every time they break up, they disconnect emotionally, develop negative views of the relationship, and lose the determination to reflect and improve as partners.

That’s why exes who break up multiple times seldom make things work. They usually fail to take the breakups seriously, stay on the same maturity level, behave the same way as before, and wait for something to break them up.

That something is anything negative that stresses them and tempts them to break up and be free. 

So if you want to know why you keep coming back to each other, you keep doing that because you see each other as backup plans. The relationship provides you with a sense of familiarity and security and allows you to procure various relationship benefits. 

A relationship feels safe and empowering whereas a single life makes you feel alone and scared. You’d rather be with someone you know than be alone or with someone you don’t trust.

You may be attached and dependent on each other for basic human things. It could be that you have a trauma bond and that you lack the strength to live independent lives.

If that’s the case, you want to be with each other not because you love each other but because you’re afraid of not being with each other. You want a relationship to give you what you aren’t able to get on your own (self-love).

Codependent couples typically have extremely low self-esteem, lack of individuality, unhealthy relationship dynamics, and various unresolved childhood fears and issues. They need a relationship rather than want it and as a result, make their fear of failure a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In other words, they’re controlled by negative emotions. When they’re together, they feel they aren’t getting what they need and think they deserve better.

And when they’re away from each other, they miss the connection and stability the relationship provided them with.

Such couples struggle to make their relationship work. Despite wanting a relationship, they don’t understand they want it for the wrong reasons. They think the relationship is special merely because they can’t stay away from it. 

The truth though is that they have a lot of work to do. They have to learn why they keep coming back to each other and then do something to break their unhealthy patterns.

If they just keep getting back together without making any fundamental changes, it’s only a matter of time before one of their breakups is their final breakup.

A relationship can’t continue to function forever when couples take it for granted and expect it to work just because they regret breaking up after a while.

Regret is good, but if it lacks the determination to communicate and evolve, couples don’t break the negative cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Instead, they remain emotion-driven and clueless as to why they keep breaking up.

I can’t say exactly why you keep breaking up and coming back to each other because I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship. But this is something you can figure out without me. 

Start by reflecting on your childhood and identifying who, when, why, and how made you into the person you are today.

If your parents were very controlling or strict, you may be unknowingly seeking your partner’s recognition and returning to him or her because your parents made you want to impress them and rely on them for happiness.

You may be subconsciously looking for praise and validation from people with authority. One of those people could be your (ex)partner because he or she has the power to make you happy (and also unhappy).

Furthermore, do you have any ties to your ex, such as shared children or pressure from others to reconcile? If you think you need to be with your ex because of some obligation or need to start a family, that could be the reason you keep getting back with your ex instead of taking some time to heal and start anew with someone else. 

Assess whether your (ex)-partner, family, or friends have a strong influence on your decisions and actions. Do you take their advice or opinion seriously and do what they think is best?

If you do, you probably reconcile time after time because third parties have too much influence over you. They control your emotions and consequently, actions.

As you can see, there may be several explanations for why you keep going back to each other. To uncover the truth, you need to do some digging. Analyze your thoughts and emotions and figure out what motivates you to reconcile with your ex.

Soon, you’ll understand your and your ex’s incentives for leaving and coming back time after time.

In today’s article, we explain why you keep coming back to each other and what your options are.

Why do we keep coming back to each other?

The simplest explanation for why you keep coming back to each other is that you can’t or don’t want to stay broken up. You either fail to move on without each other every time you try or are still attached and want to make the relationship work.

If you tried dating other people but failed, you thought about your failures and realized you didn’t have to keep hurting and feeling like a failure. You could just get back in touch, reconcile, and continue from where you left off.

A reconciliation (the relationship) allowed you to sweep your recently discovered problems under the rug and enabled you to feel in control of your emotions and future. Feelings of control gave you the strength to carry on and forget about the unpleasant past.

Another possible reason why you keep coming back to each other is that you mistake pain, guilt, jealousy, anxiety, and other negative emotions for love. You think that you wouldn’t feel any negative emotions if you wanted to break up permanently and move on. 

Such convictions make you confused and force you to want your ex back for the wrong reasons. Reasons that have nothing to do with love. When you reconcile because of jealousy or some other non-love-related reason, you soon get validated and realize that you don’t love your partner.

You just feel threatened and don’t want him or her to be with someone else.

If you do love each other but keep coming back, then the reason for getting back together again and again likely has something to do with the inability to replace each other with someone or something else.

Because you can’t find happiness within yourselves or with another romantic partner, you gravitate toward the last person who made you feel good and safe. You choose to run back to each other because you’re each other’s safety net.

You can make each other instantly forget the problems you encountered after the breakup and stop feeling lonely, anxious, scared, or anything you don’t want to feel. The relationship is your contingency plan to fall on and forget your failures and problems.

Unfortunately, some couples break up (multiple times) and get back together shortly after. That doesn’t mean the universe wants them to be together but that they aren’t happy and/or capable of working together.

They either lack the certainty that they want to be together or want to force each other to change. If they don’t improve their relationship mentality and accept each other’s differences quickly, one of their breakups will be their final one.

You have to understand that relationships are fragile. The more breakups couples go through, the more susceptible they become to stressors, temptations, and resentment. 

Don’t think that a relationship that goes through many breakups is good. Think of it as a relationship in which couples lack the ability to communicate and look for healthy solutions. 

They break up because they feel something they don’t want to feel and come back for the same reasons. The exact reasons differ for each person, but in general, unhappiness is the reason they break up and also the reason they get back together.

With that said, here’s why ex-couples keep coming back to each other.

Why do I keep going back to my toxic ex?

If you keep going back to someone toxic or unhealthy for you, you keep doing that because that person validates you. He or she doesn’t give you what you need or only partially fulfills your needs—and by doing so, makes you depend on him or her for recognition, self-love, and various relationship needs.

Unhealthy relationships are way harder to process and get over than healthy relationships in which couples respected and valued each other. This is because unhealthy relationships form unhealthy bonds and make couples think they can’t live independent happy lives without each other.

Negative behaviors and toxic relationships scar people. They make them anxious, scared, and unsure of themselves to the point where they despise their partner’s behavior but also need their partner to show them they matter.

They form an unnatural connection with their partner and convince themselves their partner completes them. The ups and downs they go through become their new normal and tell them their relationship is special.

If you were in an abusive/unhealthy relationship and keep going back to your ex even though you know your relationship was harmful, you need to understand you’re making highly emotional decisions.

You’re going back to a relationship that doesn’t work because of how you felt when you patched things up. You miss the highs in the relationship after you dealt with problems and obtained a false sense of safety.

Rationally, you know your relationship wasn’t working and needed to end, but emotionally, you can’t say no to your ex.

You can’t gather the strength to permanently separate from your ex, rebuild your self-esteem, and regain your identity. You don’t want to because you’re attached to your ex and want him or her to help you cope with the breakup.

It will take some time, but if you stay away from your ex and stop interacting with your ex, you’ll eventually detach and get emotionally stronger. You’ll see that your ex no longer has power over you and that staying away from your ex is good for your happiness and well-being.

Should we keep getting back together or break up?

If you love this person and want to make the relationship work, bear in mind it will take more than love to avoid breaking up again. It will take immense reflection, self-awareness, and determination to identify your/relationship flaws and prevent them from interfering with the relationship.

You should get back together after breaking up multiple times only if you and your ex are determined to take the relationship seriously and address the issues that keep breaking you up. Not only that, but you must also improve your weakened relationship mentality and commitment to each other.

If you carry on like this, you’ll break up again as soon as you feel stressed and overwhelmed. You’ll think the relationship isn’t worth the effort and react the way you did in the past.

That will cause another separation and make you suffer again.

So if you’re contemplating being with someone you keep breaking up with, figure out why the breakup keeps happening. If you’re doing your best but your ex keeps leaving you to look for happiness elsewhere, there isn’t much you can do to break your ex’s negative thinking patterns.

All you can do is wait for your ex to want you back and express the desire to try couples counseling. If your ex sees potential in the relationship and wants to work on himself or herself, your ex will do what it takes to mend the relationship.

However, if your ex blames you for the breakup and thinks you should do all the work yourself, then your ex will reject your suggestions and show no interest in mutual self-growth.

In that case, you should remember that your ex is too far gone to grow and avoid getting back together even if you desperately want to be with your ex. Some people just aren’t ready to evolve. They need more relationship knowledge or experience and get their hearts broken to value others.

I suggest that you give your ex no more than two chances. If your ex can’t make the relationship work when he or she is the most determined to make it work, he or she won’t make it work on the 3rd, 4th, or 5th try either.

If someone is constantly making the same mistakes such as lying, ignoring, blocking, cheating, and ghosting, it’s probably not worth getting back together. It’s better to call it quits, heal from trauma, and detach from each other.

Detachment will ease your obsessive thinking and encourage you to have healthier relationships with other people.

Yes, it will be hard to see the positives in breaking up (especially if you depend on each other and/or have a strong bond). But don’t forget that relationships that fall apart multiple times do so for a reason.

There is an issue or problem bigger than they can handle.

Ex-couples need to distance themselves from their broken relationships and see that things are far from perfect. When they get some space, they can notice they wanted the relationship for the wrong reasons and that they’re happier than before.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. But whatever you decide, make sure to put an end to the cycle of breaking up and getting back together. Either give it one last try to break the unhealthy cycle or give up altogether and break up for good.

Just don’t stay in a relationship that can’t give you the security and certainty you need. If you’re not happy with constant breaking up and the way you feel, take control of your life and do what you need to be happy.

Remember that you keep coming back to each other because you haven’t yet found a way to be happy without each other. You haven’t done that because you haven’t invested in yourselves and long-term happiness.

You probably looked for quick solutions and expected your lives to get better with minimum effort. That’s not how relationships work. Relationships reward couples who take self-improvement seriously and put the necessary work in.

Now may be the time to do the work. Invest in yourself and those who value you. It will help you stop wanting to get back with your ex.

Why do you think you and your ex keep coming back to each other? Share your thoughts below the post.

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