Whether you should wait for your ex to contact you first depends on who dumped who and what your intentions are. For example, if you broke up with your ex and your intentions are to reconcile, you should undoubtedly contact your ex.
You should apologize for making a big mistake and ask your ex to forgive you because your ex might still have feelings for you and want you back. You won’t know how your ex feels unless you reach out.
But if your ex was the one who dumped you and you’re now in great pain, then contacting your ex first won’t help you get back with your ex. It will just pressure your ex into communicating with you and push him or her further away. This is because you’ll reach out way too early – while your ex is still processing the breakup and indirectly looking for reasons to contact you.
So before you grab your phone and reach out to your ex, figure out if that’s what you and your ex want. Figure out if contacting your ex first makes sense in the situation that you’re in and if doing so could start a new healthier relationship. You may think that it would now that you’re hurting, but keep in mind that your ex likely doesn’t feel the way you feel.
If your ex is the dumper, he or she is going through a completely different breakup experience. Your ex is going through the dumper stages whereas you are going through the stages of a dumpee. This indicates that in terms of how you think and feel about each other, you’re worlds apart.
You both want different things from each other as well as life and will likely get affected by the reach-out differently.
The most important thing you have to understand is that unless dumpers want to stay friends after the breakup, they don’t want to hear from their ex. They want to stay away from their ex physically, emotionally, and mentally because doing so gives them the space they need to focus on themselves.
Space makes them feel calm and collected and enables them to focus on things they’ve been meaning to focus on.
This means that forcing them to converse, inviting them out, and interacting with them on social media doesn’t give them what they need to be at peace with themselves. It does the opposite because it tells them that dumpees are obsessed with them and that they have high expectations of them.
And expectations, unfortunately, are something dumpers typically can’t handle. The thought that their ex needs them to be happy guilt-trips and repulses them and makes them feel unheard and disrespected.
So if you’re contemplating reaching out to your ex as a dumpee, know that doing so is dangerous both for you and your ex. It’s dangerous because it will bring a bad reaction out of your ex and hurt you/make you more obsessed with your ex when/if you don’t get the response you’re looking for.
My advice is to wait for your ex to process the initial stages of a breakup and reach out first. That’s when it will be safe for you guys to converse again and be friends, get back together, or neither.
Should I wait for my ex to contact me first?
Assuming you’re the dumpee, you should definitely wait for your ex to contact you first. You should wait because you can’t force your way back into your ex’s life when your ex isn’t ready to come back. All forcing your way in when you’re not wanted will do is complicate things and make your ex want to speak to you and come back even less.
It, therefore, leaves you with no choice but to wait. Waiting is good because it will help your ex let go of the most negative breakup emotions and allow you to detach and see things more clearly. It will essentially make you both more rational and similar to each other in terms of wants and needs.
So take this advice seriously and wait for your ex to contact you first no matter how heartbreaking the breakup has been for you. Wait even if your ex is trying to ruin your reputation or tagging you on social media and luring you into contacting him or her.
What your ex is doing after the breakup in his or her spare time is none of your business anymore. All that matters now that you’ve broken up is your life. And your life’s priority at this moment is to recover from the rejection, detach, and rebuild your self-esteem.
You need to get yourself back because whether your ex comes back or not, you don’t want to stay hooked on your ex for ages. You want to get over your ex as soon as possible because the moment you do, you’ll liberate yourself from obsessive ex-thoughts and the painful emotions created by them.
I know that letting go of someone you love is extremely difficult, but know that you needn’t let go of your ex overnight. Detachment is a many-month process that gets easier with time and practice. The longer you stay away from your ex and the fewer breakup mistakes you make, the quicker you’ll heal and stop caring about whether your ex reaches out and wants you back.
This is because you’ll have fallen in love with yourself and worry about yourself rather than an ex who stopped seeing your worth.
The only time you should contact your ex first is when you have to discuss something that concerns your ex or when you have children with your ex and need your stuff back urgently. But even then, you can probably get things done without actually speaking to your ex.
You can talk to your ex’s friends and family and ask them to relay information to your ex.
With that said, here are 6 reasons why you should wait for your dumper ex to contact you first.
Don’t wait for your ex to get back to you. Keep moving forward!
When I say “Wait for your ex,” I don’t mean that you should stay at home and wait for your ex to have an epiphany. I mean that you should wait in a sense of letting your ex take the initiative. You should do your best to focus on detoxing from separation anxiety and dealing with post-breakup fears that are keeping you in the past.
That should be your main goal.
So don’t just keep waiting and not doing anything. The time right after the breakup is very important for you because it’s giving you a chance to improve yourself and figure out if your ex really is the best person for you.
Most people who get broken up with think that their ex was the best they ever had and that they’ll never be as happy as they were with their ex. But, sadly, that’s just an illusion. The reason they think that way is that the breakup has made them obsessed with their ex and played with their perception of the relationship.
Once they detach and start seeing their relationship from a clearer perspective, they normally don’t want their ex back anymore.
This is because they see their ex for the person he or she is and respect themselves too much to give someone who broke their heart another chance. Call it fearful or self-protective, but it requires a lot of strength to stand up for yourself and say no to an ex when he or she reaches out and/or asks to get back together.
It requires determination and high self-esteem.
Sometimes saying no is the right thing to do because there’s a big risk that the dumper will once again lose respect, fall out of love, and leave. There’s a chance that he or she will come back for selfish reasons and hurt you.
Dumpees usually don’t think this could happen when they’re crying their eyes out. They’re too busy fantasizing about reuniting with their ex. From what I know, they become aware of the dangers of getting back with their ex much later when they’re partly or fully healed.
That’s when they see the situation for what it is and make sensible decisions that are the best for their welfare.
When dumpees are hurt, they tend to overprioritize the “what ifs.” They wonder, “What if I get my ex back and if things finally work out the way they need to and we’re happy together?”
They completely ignore the fact that people don’t change much – especially dumpers because they don’t focus on self-improvement.
Unlike dumpees who blame themselves and regret their decisions, dumpers enjoy their newfound freedom and refuse to change anything about them. I know this because I’ve seen it thousands of times. I was also a dumper before—and the only thing I regretted and changed about myself was my communication with dumpees.
Real changes occur when you’re inspired or forced to change. That’s when you can change to the point where your romantic relationships might have a different outcome.
What happens when your ex contacts you?
When your ex finally contacts you, you need to keep in mind that the chances of your ex’s text or call being a breadcrumb (a meaningless reach-out) are extremely high. I can’t say how high but if I had to make a guess, it’s probably over 80%.
That’s because most dumpers reach out not to reconcile with their ex but to appease guilt and curiosity.
They want to know what their ex is up to and how he or she is coping with the breakup. Information about their ex’s well-being alleviates certain unwanted emotions and gives them a chance to move on with a clean slate.
You need to be aware of that so you don’t confuse your ex’s breadcrumbs for love and affection. Your ex may say that he or she cries a lot and misses you like crazy, but that doesn’t mean that your ex wants you back. It most likely means that your ex is struggling to accept his/her actions and behavior and that your ex regrets hurting you and losing friendship and contact with you.
If you have hope about getting back together with your ex, I suggest that you analyze your ex’s behavior and try to figure out what your ex wants to accomplish. Does your ex cry, yell, accuse, and care about your well-being or is your ex actually trying to meet up with you and get back with you?
If your ex doesn’t express a desire to see you and reconcile with you, there’s probably no need for you to keep speaking to your ex and making it easier for him or her to forgive himself or herself. It’s better for you to cease all contact immediately because when you do, you’ll exude strength and show that you’re not interested in helping your ex leave you behind and move on with someone else.
Oftentimes, dumpers reach out to start speaking again and become friends with dumpees. They don’t know or care that their exes aren’t ready for friendship and that talking to them gives them false hope and a lot of anxiety.
So whatever you do, don’t speak to your ex and think that your ex is going to change his or her mind in the near future. That is unlikely to happen because once a person loses romantic feelings, it’s difficult to regain them. The only way the dumper can regain lost feelings is if something unpredictable happens and evokes feelings of regret, sorrow, and self-pity.
Why won’t my ex contact me first?
The reason why your ex hasn’t contacted you first is that your ex doesn’t have a good reason to contact you yet. Your ex is still focusing on moving forward with life and doing whatever he or she wants. At this point, your ex is happy with the way things are because your ex thinks that the relationship ending has brought him or her peace and happiness.
As a dumpee, you must understand that your ex hasn’t had enough time to process the breakup and disassociate negative emotions from your persona. To disassociate them and contact you, something significant would need to happen. Something that makes your ex see that it’s safe to reach out and talk to you.
Your ex doesn’t think it’s safe to communicate if you:
- continued to contact your ex after the breakup
- begged and pleaded after the breakup
- appeared needy and clingy
- threatened your ex and/or took revenge
- became resentful and talked badly about your ex
- tried to make your ex jealous
If you haven’t done any of these things though, then your ex likely “just” lost respect for you and interest in speaking. Your ex thought about you in such a bad way that he or she now feels repulsed at the thought of contacting you and speaking with you.
Your ex may also fear that you’ll bring up getting back together and hurt him or her with your high expectations.
So don’t think that you unknowingly did something to stop your ex from contacting you. Sometimes it’s not the dumpee’s fault for the dumper’s behavior. It’s the dumper’s because he or she develops resentments, fears, and negative thoughts and associations.
Are you still wondering if you should wait for your ex to contact you first? Have you contacted your ex before? Post your breakup story in the comments below.
And if you’d like to talk 1-on-1, check out our coaching services and get in touch.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
What if my ex already reach out me after 2 month of breakup but i didn’t recognize it as a breadcrumb and didn’t stan up for no contact and maybe helped her to get over her guilt?
I read this information only now and my fear is to have lost a good moment to try to get her back or to stand up for myself.
What I have to do now? I have to continue with indefinite no-contact till another (maybe) breadcrumb? I have to reach out her? I have lost every chance to do something to get her back?
I think I have to add that she reach out me with a phone call
Hi Jeffry.
You should go back to no contact and wait for her to give you something you can work with. You can’t work with breadcrumbs.
Zan
My apologies for posting an entirely different subject about me cheating on my druggie wife and being dumped and ghosted by the mistress. I wasn’t sure how or where to post on your web site and I even tried to delete my question but was unable to. Bill
Don’t worry about it, Bill.
It’s not a problem at all!
Zan
Hi Zan. I have a rather long story to tell. I met a gal almost 24 years ago at the Checkers Drive-thru. And over a six or seven month period we became close friends. She was 21 years younger than I and had recently filed for divorce from her husband of two years and was living at her mom’s house. I too was married and had been for 6 or 7 years when I met her. My wife is a hard core druggie and a drunk and has continued to be for 24 years more. I swore to my two sons I would not divorce her until they were grown and I’ve kept my word. I dated my wife for over a year and never knew she was a druggie or drunk. (I don’t do drugs or drink). My hell started a few months after we were married. A couple of years later the gal and I became intimate and over time allowed me to take a few pictures of us in the bedroom. I was very wrong for cheating on my druggie wife as was the girl because she by now knew we were married but slept in separate rooms and we both should have ended it until I too was divorced. I just kept thinking what I swore to my sons. The gfriend had told me many times she didn’t love me but enjoyed the intimacy. Two years later She met and married a guy but our cheating continued for 8 more years until one day my drunk wife found some of those pictures on my computer that I thought I deleted and sent them to the woman’s new husband. At which point she ghosted me literally overnight almost 2 years ago. I do not want to ever get tangled up in a situation like this ever again nor will I ever date or get intimate with another married woman. I really am ashamed of myself and have tried to apologize to the husband who was once a friend but he refuses to answer my calls. I would like to also apologize to his wife but she ghosted and blocked me. I believe she has a personality disorder (BPD) from what I’ve seen for 22 years but I feel she will eventually contact me 5 or 10 years from now, if I’m still alive and I’m not sure if I should even respond to her messages or calls, even if only to apologize. Cheating is wrong, period. Even if your own partner is on drugs. I’m in my late 60s and her. late 40s. So we’re grown ups and know better. Besides the criticism and the rebuke I deserve, what is your own advice on this?
Bill, we’re all human and therefore flawed. You recognize your own mistakes, and regret them. Don’t continue to beat yourself up over them. You’re in a position to do a lot better for yourself now. Neither your ex-wife nor your mistress were healthy for you. I think you probably realize this. Step back, take a breath and some time, and move forward, knowing what you’ve learned from this experience. Go find yourself a nice lady who you can actually depend on to be there for you for many years to come
Thanks for your words of encouragement, Doug. I needed that, and I think I have found myself a new person who is soft spoken, patient and she likes pretty much the things I like. I can’t say that I love her yet because I have trust issues now, but we’re taking it one day at a time. And her only request from me was to forever lose that woman’s name from my vocabulary and never mention her again. I can live with that.
Bill, that’s great to hear. Take it slow. I wish you all the best
Hi Bill.
You’re right that you shouldn’t have gotten involved with a married woman, but neither should she. She should have told you that she was in a relationship and backed off. You were both responsible for your actions, so don’t let guilt bring you down, Bill. Guilt is trying to tell you that what you did was wrong and that you need to be more respectful next time. I know you won’t repeat the same mistake because I can tell it’s really weighing on your conscience. I know you’ll back off.
The people you’ve hurt aren’t picking up your calls, but that’s okay, Bill. You don’t need them to forgive yourself. You just need to learn how to deal with guilt on your own. Remind yourself that forgiveness comes from within. I suggest that you practice self-forgiveness affirmations. Think or say things like, “I know I messed up, but I’m trying to be a better person. The past doesn’t define me. I’ve learned my lessons, now it’s time to move on.” These things will slowly convince you that you’re not a horrible person.
Best regards,
Zan
Every day I want to contact my ex. Every day I don’t. It’s pointless. You’re just asking to be hurt again.
You’re stronger than that, Doug. In fact, you’re much stronger than you think!
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi again Doug. I guess it’s my turn to say a few things. It will be two years in September since I was Ghosted and although I was way out of line and deserved it for cheating on my druggie wife and with a woman who’s married also, It wasn’t until last month that I finally saw how wrong I was and finally stopped trying to get her to communicate with me after she blocked my phone number and me getting a new number so I could continue to to persuade her to talk to me. Two days later she blocked my new number. It’s amazing that she didn’t put out a restraining order on me for harassment and stalking. Since February 7th, I’ve taken Zan’s advice and left her alone. N.C. I don’t need or want to be in an unhealthy relationship. I think about this woman every day. I wake up and go to bed with her on my mind and wonder how she can dump me so easily. The answer is always there for me. SHE’S MARRIED and if she loved me, then she would have married me instead. Your situation is different than mine but just like I recently found a new lady friend, You will too. She’s out there waiting for you to meet her. I promise that once you meet your new lady friend, your old life will begin to fade and you’ll make new roots. Take it slow. Give yourself time to adjust to this new person and give her time as well. Good luck
Thanks so much, Bill. I really appreciate it. Sincerely
Zan🌹💐 your articles speaks volume❤️ you are right about when an ex fiallly reaches out, it’s bread crumb and I got one yesterday from my ex girl.
My ex girl is married and I stopped talking to her entirely. She reached out to one time and I didn’t pick and just yesterday again i got a WhatsApp text from her
.. a very meaningless breadcrumb.
Her text goes thus;
Her: hello
After almost like 10 minutes she called me via WhatsApp but I didn’t pick
I replied 30minutes later
Me: hi
Her : long time. How’s everyone
I didn’t reply
Her : are you still in abuja
Replying after a while
Me: why?
Her : as in
I left the conversation….
I laughed 😄😃 . ..she is even cheating on her hubby by texting me😄😃😀..
Thanks Zan! Your articles saved me… No contact wasnt easy but with time, it got easier ❤️
Hi lb!
I’m glad you’re doing better. It seems that she’s texting you behind her boyfriend’s back. I’m not sure if she feels guilty or if something’s not going well for them, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’ve regained your strength and no longer think of her as the one and only.
If I were you, I’d ask her not to contact me anymore. That’s all I’d change.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
Firstly, a massive thank you for all the great articles over the years, they’ve helped immensely! I’m heartbroken at the moment and need your advice. You’ve probably seen this issue before, but is unusual compared to other posts here. Was with my recent Gf two months, dumped exactly two weeks ago and so far 12 days NC. She loved spending time with me but communication was a major issue; there is a significant language barrier between us; she is Brazilian, her first language is Portuguese and she only speaks basic English. I’m from the U.K. and had a strong gut feeling about this over a month ago but ignored it, as our connection was fantastic. In-person meetings were great, dates were exciting, plenty of passion and affection etc as we’d find ways around the language barrier I.e google translate. We could have basic conversations in English but nothing deep. However, we both become frustrated on times as we couldn’t communicate as deeply and effectively as we’d like. I can’t deny, this was an issue (my gut was screaming it)
, but something I was willing to work at (I.e learn Portuguese if it became serious). I think emotional attraction dropped on her side and she stated ‘ you’re amazing, I love spending time with you but communication is bothering me a lot, so I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue seeing us other’. I replied that I respected her decision, but think she’s making a mistake due to our great connection and I was willing to learn Portuguese (really, not a big issue for me). Also saying if she changes her mind to give me a call and that I loved our time together. The breakup was peaceful but sombre on both ends. I immediately went NC- no begging, pleading, neediness etc or any post breakup mistakes (learnt not to make them years ago!), dignity fully intact and a nice message for her to remember me by. However, I’m dying inside and really want her back but know I must respect her space.
Any advice- have you seen this before? No malice, cheating, abuse etc just literally a problem with communication which prevented our connection from flourishing (I guess physical and in-person attraction could only carry it so far without proper discussion).
Do you think she’ll get back in touch? How should I proceed? Thanks in advance, all your articles have been so helpful.
Hi Christopher.
There may not have been any cheating, but the girl still lost the will to fight. She didn’t love you enough to improve her English and improve communication. She stayed with you only for as long as she felt excited about it. When reality hit, she lost feelings and detached very quickly. The best advice I can give you is to stay away from her, Christopher. I know you love her but you shouldn’t think of her as your life partner. A person who leaves this early (no matter the reason) is probably not the one for you.
Stay strong!
Zan
I wondered for a long time after the breakup if I should wait for my ex to contact me first? And he never contacted me! But what helped me out and I looked forward is your big help Zan!!! If wouldn’t be for your support, I wouldn’t be detached this way, which helped me not stay obsessed and hooked on my ex.
And I agree that people don’t change much – especially dumpers because they don’t focus on self-improvement.
On the other hand, I recovered from the rejection, detached, and rebuilt my self-esteem.
As dumpees, I was significantly hurt, and you and God know how much I overprioritize the “what ifs.” but for every single one of them, I got an answer from you!!!!
I’m forever grateful, Zan 😊
Hi again Linda.
I always tell you how proud I am of you for getting this far. You’ve recovered fully and are now ready for a new serious relationship. Of course, you don’t need to date if you don’t want to. But you’re ready when you meet someone you like.
And yes, people don’t change much. They like to stay in their comfort zone.
Kind regards,
Zan