Should I Try To Get My Ex Back? Pros And Cons

If you’re considering giving it your best to try to get your ex back, keep in mind that your ex isn’t a damsel in distress, waiting for you to try to win her back. Provided your ex is the dumper, your ex is relieved by the breakup and is enjoying the new post-breakup life.

Your ex is focusing solely on his or her wants and needs and will reject you and hurt you if you try to reconcile on your terms. This is inevitable because you’ll trigger your ex’s self-defense mechanism, which job is to repel any attacks that threaten his or her independence and well-being.

In other words, your words and actions will overburden your ex with heavy expectations and push your ex to the other side of the planet.

If you got dumped by someone you love, don’t instinctually run back to your ex. As overused at the term is, you need to understand that there is no such thing as “getting an ex back.” An ex isn’t a sack of potatoes you can toss around from one place to another to your heart’s content.

Your ex is a person with convictions, feelings, preferences, and certain ways of thinking and behaving, which means that your ex has thought long and hard before dumping you and getting some breathing space.

And if your ex has thought long and hard before dumping you, your ex will, therefore, have to think long and hard before expressing regret and “undumping” you. That’s just the way it is as the breakup has caused your ex a lot of unpleasant post-breakup emotions your ex now needs to work through.

If you try to force your ex to be ready sooner and present a plan on how to get back together, don’t expect your ex to open his or her arms to you and take you back with a smile on his/her face.

Expect your ex to feel trapped, guilty, repulsed—and soon turn cold, mean, and angry. How could your ex not feel and act that way when your ex had spent weeks or months preparing to leave the relationship just for you to demand time, reassurance, and love?

Look, there’s always a chance your ex won’t react badly. Your ex may be an extremely self-aware, mature individual who’s mastered the art of emotions. But even if your ex has become the next Buddha, that doesn’t mean your ex will miss you romantically the moment you come out of hiding. Your ex will probably merely miss you as a friend and an ex-partner he or she had gotten to know on an intimate level.

Always remember that your ex would have come back by now had he or she seen your value as a romantic partner. Your ex wouldn’t let you go simply because of pride or because you didn’t try to get him/her back.

Dumpers who break up with the intention to watch their ex chase them end up chasing their ex in the end. This is because they still have feelings for their ex and get their egos crushed when they see their ex doesn’t care about them.

So if it’s been weeks and you haven’t heard a peep from your ex, try to accept that the relationship has ended and that it needs to go through certain recovery stages.

While you have to heal and get yourself back, your ex has to process smothering feelings and realize he or she has made a big mistake. And that can happen only if you keep your dignity and prove you’ve got what it takes to be happy with or without your ex.

In this post, we’ll talk about the pros and cons of getting back with an ex. We’ll try to help you decide if you should even try to get back with your ex.

Should I try to get my ex back?

If you’re a dumpee and you got slapped with a breakup, you obviously shouldn’t return to your ex for a second slap. It’s extremely unlikely that your ex has become open to getting back together during the time apart and that he or she is waiting for you to make the first move.

If your ex is open to giving it another chance and is simply waiting, know that your ex’s motivation for getting back together is not strong enough. It’s weak, which means that even if you call your ex and reconcile, your ex’s lack of feelings and poor commitment to the relationship will soon cause another breakup.

I’m no fortune-teller, but I know that when the dumper has a “meh” relationship mentality that he or she can’t connect with the dumpee. The dumper can’t do it because he or she doesn’t see any reasons to invest in the dumpee and stay committed.

The dumper would much rather focus on himself/herself and do what feels right.

That means that reaching out to the dumper is a bad idea. Not only would you reach out before your ex realizes your worth, but you’d also give your ex another chance to disappoint you and wound you.

You should consider getting back with your ex only if you’re the dumper or if your ex has made it clear that he or she wants you back. Those are the only two scenarios where getting back with an ex is even possible. Any other scenario will probably lead to more pain and suffering.

So play at your own risk.

Should I get my ex back?

If you’re a dumpee and feel the need to get your ex back, you now know that you don’t have to lift a finger to make your ex come back. When your ex discovers your worth and wants to be a part of your life again, your ex will do all the work he or she needs to do.

Your ex will reach out, apologize, invite you out, compliment you, and ask to get back together. All you have to do until that happens is be patient and wait for your ex to realize he or she was a fool for dumping you.

As difficult as it is, you’ve got to avoid making any highly emotional decisions and be strong enough to resist the urge to chase your ex. Chasing is extremely detrimental to your health as it will make you more anxious and desperate to be with your ex.

It will crank up your separation anxiety and destroy your self-esteem.

If you’re afraid of not being with your ex, know that you want your ex back for the right reasons. You want to be with your ex because you’re panicking and thinking that your ex is the only person in this world who can make you happy.

That would mean that reconciliation is the last thing you should think about. You should first figure out why the breakup happened and then direct your attention toward people and things that will help you get rid of the misery you’ve found yourself in.

Some dumpees also get broken up with because they don’t have a life outside of the relationship and are codependent. Such dumpees shouldn’t get back with their ex before they figure out why they emotionally depend on other people for happiness.

And even after they’ve figured out the reasons and improved them, it may still be better for them not to reconcile because there’s a chance that their ex’s reappearance will cause their post-breakup fears and insecurities to resurface.

Getting back with an ex is okay, but dumpees have to fix their personal problems and find ways to see their ex as an equal. If they continue to see their ex as a megastar, they don’t fix anything. They still obsess over their ex and as a result, waste their chance to detach and grow in ways that they need to.

If you’re not the dumpee, but the dumper, though, then you’re in control of the breakup and get to decide if you want to be with your ex or not. You have to weigh the pros and cons and figure out if relationship dynamics can improve next time around.

If you had a connection with your ex before, it’s more than possible to restore that connection and fall in love. But before you focus on that, you should first fix your issues, improve your perceptions of your ex, and give your ex his or her power back. You basically have to invest in yourself and discern you want your ex back for the right reasons – because you appreciate your ex and want to give and receive love.

If you want your ex back just because someone dumped you, that may not be enough to stay committed to your ex after the pain of rejection has subsided. It could be, of course, but only if you process the breakup and emotionally and rationally comprehend that your ex is the right person for you.

With that said, here are a few points that will help you decide if you should try to get your ex back as a dumpee and as a dumper.

Since you and your ex broke up, the unfortunate truth is that it currently doesn’t matter why you guys fell in love with each other. Things like mutual interests and chemistry won’t help you stay together. They’ll give you something to bond over, but they won’t fix your incompatibilities and things you need to work on.

That’s why you need to focus strongly on the issues that broke you up. When you’ve done that, you’ll be able to resume from where you left off and enjoy the positive aspects of the relationship.

Reasons not to get back with your ex

Many people want their ex back for the wrong reasons—because they miss the feeling of intimacy, connection, support, and validation. They don’t care about the fact that they’re emotionally dependent on their ex for love and that their ex is so important to them mainly because they forgot to nurture themselves.

Such people often interpret pain as a good thing (that their ex is an important part of their life) even though pain is a sign of codependence, fears, low self-esteem, unhealthy bonding, and hormonal withdrawal. They think what they had was special, so they return to relationships that were unhealthy or downright toxic.

Look, most breakups cause at least some separation anxiety and discomfort as you’d have to be a robot or have no feelings for your dumper ex not to get affected.

But breakups that cause vomiting, panic attacks, severe depression, obsession, a loss of self-esteem, disorientation, and suicidal thoughts show that a person has things to work on. He or she has self-esteem, emotional health, social life, or purpose in life to improve because one or more of these things are making his or her pain worse.

This means that as bad as breakups are, they come with a silver lining. They tell you what areas of your life you’ve been neglecting and badly need to work on if you want the pain to stop and handle it better if you get broken up with in the future.

So if you’re a dumpee and you’re thinking to yourself, “Should I try to get my ex back,” keep in mind that not all couples should get back together. Some couples break up because they aren’t willing or capable of finding common ground.

They’re more interested in their own convictions and feelings than that of their partner, which is why they refuse to work on themselves and break up again even if they get back together.

My advice is not to get back with your ex if you or your ex are:

• emotionally dependent and desperate for love and recognition
• unwilling to do whatever it takes to change your beliefs and thinking patterns
• connected through trauma-bonding
• focused on dating someone else already
• depressed, anxious, or miserable with or without each other
• unsure about each other and have trust issues
• lacking willpower, morals, independence, and a healthy relationship mentality
• severely underdeveloped (immature)

Also, don’t try to get back with your ex just because your ex was your first boyfriend/girlfriend, because you’re married, or because you have kids. Labels, kids, pets, and first experiences don’t matter and shouldn’t be taken into account when you’re considering getting back with your ex.

The only thing that matters is your and your ex’s ability to outgrow your old selves and adapt. Everything else you can figure out as you go along.

The pros and cons of getting back with an ex

Getting back with an ex comes with pros and cons.

The pros are that you get to reconcile with someone you already have a connection with rather than starting new. You can just jump back in as if the breakup never happened and skip the get-to-know each other phase (if just a few years have passed).

You also get to test your new relationship skills and maturity and see if you can handle stressful situations better than before. Repairing a relationship with an ex can feel rewarding as you don’t have to feel that you’ve abandoned a relationship too quickly or that you aren’t worthy of love.

The cons, however, are that there’s a chance you’ll face similar issues and/or break up again. Simply put, the sooner you reconcile, the smaller the chance that the two of you will work on yourselves and change in the right kinds of ways.

A month of separation, for example, is normally not enough for an ex-couple to make the necessary personal changes. They usually need at least a few months of space and time before they can leave their old behaviors behind and grow for good.

The worst thing about reconciliations is that dumpers sometimes come back out of boredom and convenience. They don’t have a good reason for coming back, so they once again lose respect and determination.

And because they’ve left before, leaving the second time becomes much easier. It gets easier after every breakup.

So consider getting back with your ex only if you’re serious about your ex and won’t leave at the first sign of trouble.

Are you thinking about whether you should try to get back with your ex? How do you intend to do that? Let us know in the comments section below.

Ultimately, the choice is yours to make. But if you need help deciding, feel free to subscribe to our breakup coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.