It’s quite common for dumpees and dumpers to text each other after the breakup. Text messages have a purpose. And their purpose varies depending on who and when sends them. If the dumpee sends them right after the breakup, it almost always means that the dumpee is nostalgic, in pain, and wants to get back together.
The dumpee is emotionally withdrawing from a lack of love, so the dumpee thinks he or she can feel loved by contacting the dumper and demanding time and affection. Such expectations never come to fruition as the dumper feels pressured and pushes the dumpee away.
However, if the dumper is the one who texts the dumpee, it usually shows that the dumper feels bored, curious, or guilty and that he or she wants the dumpee to be his or her texting buddy. Via texts or calls, the dumper can appease his or her guilty conscience and move on without regrets.
Therefore, dumpers text dumpees for completely different reasons. They don’t experience post-breakup blues, caused by separation anxiety and fear, but they do worry they were too harsh on their ex and think they should get back on good terms with the dumpee.
Downgrading from relationship to friendship helps them feel better about ending a relationship or the way they ended it.
Of course, not every dumper cares about his or her attitude and behavior because not every dumper lives by a strong moral code. Those dumpers who do have strong moral values tend to reach out for themselves after they’ve had some time to enjoy their space and freedom.
Guilt affects such dumpers a lot as it makes them seek forgiveness and self-acceptance.
So if your ex is texting you, bear in mind that not all exes reach out for the same reasons. Some exes (dumpers) usually just check up on their ex and try to bury the hatchet/alleviate guilt. Dumpees, on the other hand, feel that they’re losing control of their emotions and think they have no choice but to reach out to feel accepted and regain control.
Both dumpees and dumpers often forget that their ex can’t help them get what they want and need and that they shouldn’t text each other for as long as they’re dealing with their own issues. Their own issues include getting over each other, dealing with guilt and regrets, correcting their mistakes, and making sure they grow as people.
They should (or rather can) converse only when they have no more romantic expectations, unprocessed emotions, and desires to reconnect. That’s when they can be friends, provided they want that and that their new partners are okay with it.
It can feel tempting to befriend your ex after the breakup as not speaking with your ex can make you feel selfish, mean, or immature. It can feel as though you’re not being nice to someone who was nice to you when you were still together.
My advice is not to look at it that way. The breakup has nothing to do with the relationship. It’s a completely different thing. As a dumpee, you need to protect your broken heart and the emotions that make your life difficult.
And as a dumper, you have two responsibilities; allow your ex to heal and allow yourself to recover in ways you need to recover. You can do that by leaving your ex alone and going through your own breakup stages.
Your ex needs to grieve. Don’t hinder your ex’s grieving by texting your ex and engaging in meaningless conversations. By all means, help your ex cope if that’s what your ex needs to heal.
But don’t talk about your regrets (deep topics) that would give your ex hope and prevent your ex from letting go of the relationship. If you want to help your ex, give your ex closure (answers) when your ex asks for it, and by doing so, give your ex a chance to get over you.
Staying in touch only causes problems with your ex’s self-reliance and delays the time it takes your ex to process the separation.
You must remember that your ex is texting you to get something from you and that you (the dumper) aren’t able to help your ex when the reason your ex is hurting is your absence and a lack of affection. More of you will only make your ex more dependent on you for happiness and less eager to push through the breakup without you.
That’s why you must understand when to help the dumpee and when to show or tell the dumpee he or she shouldn’t be texting you and relying on you too much. Most of the time, the best way to help the dumpee is to leave the dumpee to his or her devices and avoid showing off your new life on social media.
In this article, we analyze the reasons why your ex keeps texting you and show you how to handle your ex’s texts as a dumpee and a dumper.
Why is my ex texting me after I left him/her?
If you left your ex recently and your ex is texting you, your ex is texting you to obtain your validation. Your ex is struggling with the breakup and wants you back so you can ease his or her anxiety and fears.
By getting back together, your ex would essentially give up on working on getting over you and instantly feel better. No longer would your ex feel abandoned, lonely, and unworthy of love. Such feelings would dissipate because your ex would feel accepted and prioritized again.
Since your ex currently doesn’t feel that way, your ex is hoping that texts recreate the spark you both felt when communication was flowy. Your ex doesn’t know that you don’t want to feel the spark and that you’d rather focus on yourself and your happiness.
You’d rather not text an ex you developed negative feelings for and no longer feel happy around.
Obviously, your silence conveys that clearly. But your ex doesn’t want to accept it due to all the wonderful memories and reminders of how great the relationship used to be. Your ex doesn’t understand or want to understand that perceptions and feelings change when people don’t work on them and find ways to keep them healthy.
So in a nutshell, your ex is in denial and/or feels hopeful and wishes to somehow trigger your old feelings and cravings. Most dumpees want their ex back. They think their ex is confused and that they should use various text-your-ex-back techniques to reattract their ex.
Such dumpees don’t know that there are no text-your-ex-back techniques. They don’t exist because when the dumper initiates the breakup, nothing and no one can convince him or her to give the relationship another chance.
The dumper feels a myriad of negative emotions that he or she associates with the dumper.
Others can influence the dumper a bit, but if the dumper returns because a friend says he/she should, the dumper soon leaves again. The dumper just doesn’t stick around for long, mainly because he or she doesn’t have the same enthusiasm for the relationship to succeed as his or her friend.
The dumper needs his own reasons for wanting to be in the relationship. And those reasons have to stem from love. If they’re superficial, the dumper doesn’t come back or leaves again after a couple of weeks of coming back.
So if your dumpee ex is texting you and you don’t know why your ex is doing that, remember that your ex is having a hard time accepting the breakup or coping with it.
Either way, your ex needs to see your compassion. He or she still admires you (probably too much) and needs to realize that you’re not his or her ideal partner and someone who can help him/her get through the whole breakup.
You can help your ex accept the breakup by answering your ex’s answers compassionately, but you can’t continue to talk as if the split never happened. Your ex needs to find his/her own strength and ways to cope whereas you need to disassociate from your ex and focus on yourself.
If you can’t focus on yourself because your ex keeps texting you, chances are you’ll feel overwhelmed, become impatient, and hurt your ex. Your ex needs to be aware of this so your ex doesn’t suffer unnecessarily.
Not all dumpees understand what to do and not to do after a breakup. Many dumpees must be told that what they’re doing isn’t helping anyone and that they shouldn’t reach out anymore. They need to see that post-breakup friendship is counterproductive and that the fastest way to heal is to stay away from their ex.
Your ex will get over you eventually, but he or she will need lots of time and reflection. I’m talking about months of self-distraction. Until your ex is almost fully healed, expect your ex to reach out from time to time and try to learn if anything is new with you.
Dumpees tend to do that when they’re having a tough time coping with anxiety.
The reason your ex is texting you, therefore, is that your ex is going through a rough patch and wants to cling to you for validation, love, and happiness. Such emotions boost your ex’s ego and self-esteem and give your ex hope that you’ll get back together.
Hope is essential to a dumpee who feels rejected, lost, and miserable. Hope empowers the dumpee and stops the dumping from hurting himself or herself on purpose. But on the other hand, too much hope becomes false hope and prevents the dumpee from letting go of the dumper.
The dumpee needs just the right amount of hope to see things realistically and cope with the breakup.
Why is my ex texting me after he/she left me?
If your ex left you and is texting you, your ex is basically breadcrumbing you. Breadcrumbing means that your ex wants the best of both worlds (occasional friendship without commitment) and has selfish reasons for staying in touch with you.
Those reasons could be anything from boredom, guilt, jealousy, or shame to having money problems, wanting emotional support, and being afraid of losing you completely. The dumper breadcrumbs an ex with the expectation to take from the dumpee.
In other words, he or she wants something for nothing. This hurts the dumpee as it gives the dumpee hope and leaves him or her feeling used.
If your ex is texting you after leaving you and doesn’t bring up reconciliation, you need to understand that your ex has no intention of getting back with you. Dumpers don’t message the dumpee to see if it’s possible to be in a relationship and let go of fears of getting hurt again.
Dumpers string their exes along because they don’t know or care what they’re doing to their ex. They have no idea their actions make the breakup super hard for the dumpee. Some dumpers even get angry when their ex doesn’t communicate with them and call their ex names.
That may be extreme, but the point is dumpers who lack breakup knowledge and an understanding of themselves and their ex cause their ex tons of pain.
They make it seem as if they’re getting ready to be with their ex again when in reality, they’re just getting comfortable around their ex and feel relieved that their ex doesn’t hate them and want nothing to do with them.
Dumpers typically text their ex for the benefits their ex can provide. If their ex can help them financially or emotionally and helps them feel better, they tend to keep their ex around. Friendship allows them to keep their ex at a distance that feels right to them.
However, if their ex can help them forgive themselves for behaving irresponsibly and causing pain, they tend to message their ex because of guilt and stop texting their ex or texting their ex apologetically. Dumpers don’t text their ex for no reason.
They get something out of it. Something they usually don’t tell their ex about. They prefer to get what they need without telling their ex.
Seldom do they say things like:
- I feel bad for hurting you
- I need your help with something
- The reason I’m reaching out is…
Dumpers instead put their requests in sneakily by using words like “Anyway, by the way, do you happen to know…” Occasionally, they also say “I just wanted to see how you were doing, I was thinking about you, I miss you, let me know if you need anything.”
Instead of directly admitting they feel bad and nostalgic, they show concern and make their ex feel respected and cared for. This, sadly, messes with their ex’s brain and delays their suffering.
You need to keep in mind that when the dumper ex texts you and the conversation doesn’t immediately lead to your ex apologizing and asking to meet up/being exclusive, the dumper doesn’t want you back. He or she just wants to get something that only you can give.
Until your ex knows you’re not ready for friendship and that you need space, your ex is, unfortunately, going to keep texting you and making you wonder what the deal is.
With that said, here’s a comparison infographic, illustrating why dumpees and dumpers text each other.
Your ex texts you after the breakup because it helps your ex. You need to figure out how your responses help your ex so you can then do something about them. You don’t want to keep tolerating them for no reason. Especially not if your ex is the dumper because breadcrumbs hinder your well-being and delay healing.
I encourage you to look at your ex’s attitude toward you and see if your ex wants to get back with you or just talk to you.
Now that you know why your ex is texting you over and over again, let’s discuss your options for handling the reach-outs.
What to do when your ex keeps texting you
The first time your ex reached out, you were anxious, happy, and reassured all at once. You were glad your ex spoke to you and showed you that he or she cared about you enough to reach out.
You took it as a good sign as you thought your ex finally processed the breakup and mustered the courage to reach out. It didn’t take you long to realize that nothing had changed for your ex emotionally and growth-wise and that the reason your ex reached out was to check up on you, rather than to get back with you.
That was disappointing, but also the perfect time for you to tell your ex you weren’t ready to talk and that you’d appreciate it if he or she didn’t message you anymore. Since you probably didn’t tell your ex to give you space, your ex didn’t know how you felt and what you wanted.
Your ex thought you were happy to stay in touch and as a result, reached out again.
This is how your ex continued to give you hope whenever he/she thought it was a good idea to reach out and engage in pointless conversation.
Although some dumpers reach out despite their ex telling them not to, the majority of dumpers don’t. Most dumpers respect their ex and themselves and stay away from their ex when their ex asks to be left alone.
Only immature and selfish dumpers keep contacting their ex and resetting their ex’s healing. Such dumpers need to be warned that the next time they reach out, they’ll get blocked and remain blocked.
On the other hand, if your dumpee ex keeps reaching out, the situation is a bit different. If the breakup just happened, you should try understanding your ex’s feelings and pain.
You should remember that your ex is experiencing gut-wrenching separation anxiety and that cutting your ex off and treating your ex like a nobody could be devastating for your ex. It could cause your ex to slip into depression and experience suicidal thoughts.
You should do your best to help the dumpee get through the early breakup stages by:
- Helping your ex when your ex has difficulty coping with the breakup.
- Leaving your ex alone when he or she is doing fine.
The sooner you understand what your ex needs from you to feel better and what you need to be happy, the sooner you’ll allow yourself and your ex to get through the breakup.
Is your ex texting you and you don’t know why? What was your response? Share your breakup experiences, thoughts, and questions in the comments below.
And if you’d like to discuss your ex’s texting habits with us, subscribe to coaching for personalized assistance.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
So if my ex would texting me, I should bear in mind that not all exes reach out for the same reasons.
Every day learning from your new ways of thinking
Thank you Zan
Hi Linda.
You should remember that he probably doesn’t want you back. Don’t make any quick assumptions.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Ed I’m sorry to hear that it happened to you and that the thought of never hearing from her again breaks your heart.
I’m in a similar situation tho a bit different. But I can relate to your pain. I’m 8 months post breakup and never heard a word from her either. Sometimes I think about how happy she must be with her new bf and it’s a shitty feeling. I also feel angry that she was able to move on and didn’t experience any pain while I was agonizing by myself for months…
What I can tell you is that time helps. Therapy helps when you re ready. Everyone experiences breakups differently. For me I was deeply in love and we were together for 15 months. Nowhere near your length but unfortunately I didn’t have enough time to see bad things about her in that timeframe.
15 months of relationship, it took me 7 months to start feeling happy here and there again. She was on my mind 24/7 for many months and slowly a bit less and less. To date there wasn’t a day I haven’t thought about her, but it’s just less painful.
When the thought of her arose at first, I’d think about her for hours. With time, hours became minutes. Now everytime she crosses my mind, I am mindful of it, and then distract myself to break the pattern. When you ll be ready you should be mindful of that technique. But first you have to want to let it go and move on. I can’t imagine what 5 years of relationship must have been but you ll get there.
I one day thought I would never be ok again. Time helps, whatever it takes man.
Something better is out there for you, but you have to make space to welcome it. Focus on you and your life, a girl is a good addition to it, but you should be happy by yourself first. Whateve she s doing rn does not matter. She will have issues too.
70% of relationships fail and 50% of ppl stay in mariage coz divorce is a pain. Statistically, she will be miserable at some pojint
Hope it helps
Tim
Thanks Tim. I am also sorry to hear what you went through. You were in love, so the length of the relationship was irrelevant. I missed or overlooked her bad characteristics over the five years. They all smacked me in the face once she dumped me. I still sit here at times in disbelief and try to understand how this happened. I really thought we had an unbreakable bond and we could and would get through everything. We never fought nor did we have any major issues in most of the most years together. When the first major issue rose up (me not getting us a house), it was like she flipped a switch lost all feelings for me and cruelly discarded me like trash. I still can’t believe how cold she became and how she could not only walk away, but move on with another guy so quickly and not feel an ounce of remorse for her actions.
I have good days and bad days, but it still more bad days. There is never a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I love her and hate her at the same time. I always wished that one day she would reach out and come back to her senses. 9 months later and nothing, so I know that my wish is only a pipe dream. I have been trying to move one myself and trying to find another relationship, but I can’t even get a date. 9 months and nothing, it is very discouraging. I don’t understand how she can instantly find someone else and gets rewarded for the evil she did while I am the one who was wronged and feel like I am getting punished…for what, I don’t know. I really hope there is something better out there for me, but I lose faith in that hope more and more each day. I have focused on my life, I have been working on myself, becoming a better me, going to therapy and do more than I ever done before, but I still feel empty.
I know her life isn’t perfect now, but it did seem to improve after she left me. She moved and got out of the house she hated, she is living closer to her family now and got this other guy. She never had to suffer from the end of our relationship, she quickly got with this guy, who I am sure she was in contact with before she dumped me, so she never had to deal with the loneliness, she always had someone to talk to, do things with and get to be intimate with. This guy must be better than I am because if he wasn’t, I would probably have heard from her. As long as I knew her, she suffered from depression so I know she has issues. But I also know that she is selfish and will never be happy as the more she gets the more she wants.
I just feel like I am stuck in a endless cycle and I cannot break it. I tired, I feel hopeless. It’s like serving a sentence in emotional prison with no chance of parole.
Hey man,
I know what you feel, and I now remember your story as I read it before on a comment. The whole “leaving for another man and falling out of love when I could not get us a house”. Tbh, it tells A LOT about who she was.
All I could say is that you have a chance of parole. You need to break the pattern of thinking about her. It’ll take time for you to come to that point. A month ago, I got injured during rugby and had to go the the hospital ER, spent days focusing on how I could heal faster and all of a sudden, realized I had not thought about my ex for quite some time. If you take your focus off of her, and try to focus on other things that distract you, you’ll be able to forget her eventually.
I know the feeling of unfairness. How come they get the chance to move on quickly, be happy while we’re in despair and constant sadness? The more I thought about it, the more it became clear I was only hurting myself. You don’t know what is going on in ppl’s mind. I’ve seen people, couples, since my breakup, who seemed SOOOO happy and fulfilled. I hated them for that. I came to know since that (at least 2 out of 3 couples i know) they are going to couples therapy coz they can’t stand each others. On the outside, they still look happy as ever. Don’t believe what you see all the time. Plus you haven’t seen your ex, maybe she’s doing thru a rough patch.
One last thing, “This guy must be better than I am because if he wasn’t, I would probably have heard from her”.
I thought the same at some point. It’s not true. She chose you for 5 years, so she saw you as a high value person at some point. She left coz SHE is a bad person with awful flaws. She will have the same behavior with the new guy… eventually. She might feel relieved and in love with him rn, and thinking he s better than you. Maybe he has other things to offer but believe me, no one’s perfect. You are better than him on some things. The phase where she find him perfect will fade, and when relationship skills will be required to keep the lights on, she will be lacking them, as she did with you. Believe me, she will be sad too at some point.
By then you’ll have find a sweet young woman to love you the way you deserve and will be wondering why you spent so much time dwelling on your ex. Your new girl will be younger, hotter, more mature, more equipped for a LT relationship, more sweet, kinder, and caring. Plenty of girls out there that will love you and that you will love. Your ex will become a distant memory.
Tim
Tim,
Thank you again for your kind words and encouragement. I truly do appreciate that you are taking the time out of your day to reply with your thoughts and experience.
I want more than anything to take my thoughts off of her, they are like a cancer. I been trying to do different things such as taking fitness classes at the gym on top of my 6 day a week workout schedule, joined a summer bowling league and just trying to be more open to people in hopes that they may want to hang around me more or know a single friend who they can set me up with. I was very closed off when I was with my ex as all I wanted to do was be with her, not much else mattered. Even with doing all this my thoughts continue to go back to her. I am conflicted within myself, I think she is a bad person, but then I think I am villainizing her to an extreme level. When I first met her, I thought she was this gentle, kind, caring and laid back person who just had some bad breaks in life. But by the end I see her as a selfish, impulsive unemphatic person who expects everything to be her way. She is following in her mother’s footsteps because that’s the type a person she is. Her mother is never truly happy, the more she gets, the more she wants and how she treats her husband who is the reason she has a good life now is horrible. She has no respect or appreciation for him. I have definitely seen my ex treat me in the same way at the end. Things she used to appreciate me for she took for granted and the appreciation turned to expectation. I was far from perfect, but I always tried to do my best to give her and her son what I could. All I ever wanted in returned was her love and loyalty. We were just looking at engagement rings (at her request) 6 weeks before she dumped me. She was supposed to move into my current house with me until we found our house.
I know everything you see isn’t reality. I remember seeing her go public with this guy on FB and that was the worst pain I ever felt in my life. I will never forget it as they both changed their profile pics at the same time very late one night and it just made me sick inside. To make matters worse, her mom had to comment “What a happy looking couple.” I was furious. Her mom who always thanked me for taking her of her baby now was helping her daughter rub this in my face. My ex loves to post on FB everywhere we went or what we were doing. She had to keep up with all her friends who brag on their socials. I know there were times when someone bragged/posted on their socials, she would get upset and even cry because someone had something she didn’t. I’m sure even now she is probably bragging all the places her and her new guy go to, how great he is and how happy she is now. I will never see it though. After I realized the damage she did to me and my mental health by changing her profile pic to the two of them, I swore I would never look at her page again. It was a vow I have kept. Social media is a joke and so many people who need validation , so they have to pretend they have this amazing life. It’s sad my ex is one of them.
I can’t stop thinking of all the happy memories I had with her in the course of the 5 years and keep wishing I could live in those times again. I honestly never felt more confident and secure in a relationship in my life. I was certain she was my forever. I find it hard to remember my life before her and I hate knowing my life after her. I just often wonder now that in the 5 years she was with me, was it out of desperation? Did she love me or just love what I could do for her? When I first met her, she was overweight and I don’t think she had much of a love life after she divorced her husband which was a few years prior. I wonder if she just decided I was the best she was going to get. Over the past 3 years though I noticed her appearance changing. She lost some weight and while she was always cute, she become even more appealing. But at the very end, she lost a lot more weight and the last time I saw her after the breakup she looked amazing. The lone thought I had in my head was someone is going to snatch her up in a heartbeat. Little did I know someone already did and I think that was why she lost more weight. She never wanted to anything like that for me (nor would I ever ask her to do such a thing as I loved her as she was), but for this guy she did. I truly doubt that I am going to find anyone younger or hotter than her. She definitely had a beautiful face and last time I saw her, got a better body. She was also 10 years younger than me. I don’t know how I managed that. I’m 49 now and I think my better days are past me. I have really been trying to move on using dating apps and I cannot get one woman for a date let alone a relationship. That’s all I want more than anything else, a solid loving relationship. I just want to feel like I felt with her again. I miss feeling normal, it’s been over 9 months and nothing has been the same since.
I apologize for the length of my replies, but again I appreciate everything you have said to me.
Hi Ed,
sorry you feel that way. The facebook photo thing… it must have hurt, good thing you stopped looking. You have to pull your energy back to you and not focus on her or what she’s doing (I know, easier said than done).
Thru your comment, I felt that you were valuing yourself thru having a relationship and that you were desperately looking for one ? I think that if you’re still thinking about your ex and if you don’t work to be happy by yourself with no one, any relationship you will pursue will fail. You have to be happy being alone. You have go thru your day, looking forward to the time you get home by yourself. Only then you’ll be able to have someone by your side to compement your life, not to make it the center of your universe.
The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Once you deal with this relationship, everything else is just a nice (but not necessary) addition.
I know it’s hard, but you can do it. I myself am now so comfortable spending nights alone and having fun with myself. I go to the restaurant alone, I go to bars alone. Sometimes I date yes, but you have to find the difference between being lonely and being alone. You can be lonely in a relationship or lonely with a group of friends. YOu can also be alone and happy, or alone and fulfilled.
Tim
The FB thing completely ruined me, it brought me pain worse than when she dumped me.
You are absolutely correct, I do need to stop focusing on her and what she’s doing. My therapist just said the same thing to me. I feel like I can’t do it and I don’t know how to let go. She told me I have the ability to do it. I woke up today and I am trying. I am trying to be more aware of my thoughts and when they drift to her, I am stopping them. So far so good, but the issue is maintaining this.
I understand how you would think I am not happy by myself. It’s not that I am not happy by myself, I have been by myself plenty. I am just tired of being alone and at my age I just want to find someone to enjoy life with. I’m not just jumping at anyone, if that was the case, I probably would have been with someone by now and more likely unhappy. I just get lonely at times as I don’t have anything to do and no one to do them with. I never had a lot of friends and sometimes it just sucks when it feels like no one wants you around. I have also felt lonely around people and felt fulfilled by myself.
I do love myself and take care of myself so I believe I do already have a good relationship with myself. Am I missing or not doing something? I admit I had terrible anxiety when the weekends approached after she left me, but I have gotten over that on my own. Yes, I didn’t want my relationship to end, but I didn’t get a say in the matter. but if she doesn’t want me and all the positives I bring to a relationship, then that is her loss and it will be someone else’s gain. Someone who will fully appreciate me for me.
Tim, again as always, I appreciate what you are doing for me. I cannot thank you enough for the correspondences. It’s very kind of you to take the time to converse with basically a stranger for as long as you have. I hope that you have nothing but good come your way and you find everything you want in life, because you deserve it.
Anytime brother, we all went thru a painful breakup if we’re here on this website. I can only give back from what I learned and from my own experience.
I cannot tell you how much pain I felt, and same as you, I couldn’t stand my weekends at first. I held onto hope that she’d come back for a long time. I had to come to the acceptance that she had a new boyfriend and was not thinking about me at all. It might have been the hardest part. Knowing that for months on end she was on my mind all the time while another dude took my place in her thoughts… it’s a terrible feeling.. BUT… I found peace and acceptance in the fact that I did everything I could in this relationship. I was thoughtful, caring, sweet, kind, generous, open minded, I gave her all the space and freedom to do what she wanted, I became the absolute best version of myself, both psychologically and physically and yet.. she told me that we didn’t fit, that we were too different.
The problem is not with me. I questioned what I did wrong for a long time. The only thing I did wrong was to not see who she really was. I was in love, dumb and blind. I thought she was everything I had always been looking for except that I didn’t see the lack of emotional reciprocity and I saw her true colors once she broke up: selfish, only thinking “me, me, myself and I” and being on dating apps 2 weeks post breakup knowing I’d see her, not giving a rat’s ass about me and my feelings.
It didn’t matter at first. Despite doing everything wrong, I still was in love, I still wanted her back and held on to that for a few months. No contact helped a lot, maybe not at first but now I can see the benefits of it. It helps you detach and eventually forget.
As I told you, not one day has passed that I havent thought about her, but im getting there. I only think about her once or twice a day for 2 mins tops now. Before it was hours.. waking up at night, my mind only went to her at some point. The things that helped the most:
– time in strict NC (not even looking at her social media, at first I was stalking a bit but it clearly didnt help)
– mindfulness: recognizing when my mind wondered to her, when my thoughts were getting to her and using mechanisms to not allow myself to keep thinking about it, distracting myself with somehting
– find a new passion or hobbie or activtiy you can focus on. The more you pack your life with new things, the less you will think about her
– acknowledging that it’s normal to think about her, even 8 months later. Even 5 years later it’s ok.. allow yourself to think about her but be mindful that you cannot daydream about it. Once the thought arise, acknowledge, reminds yourself that she’s not who you thought she was, and distract yourself with something.
Hope it helps
Tim
I learned a lot about my ex after she dumped me. I learned she is selfish and is only concerned about herself. She definitely does not have a good moral code or values as I never heard another word from her again. She threw 5 years away like garbage and quickly moved on with another guy. She knows full well how devastated I was by her leaving me. She never had a care in the world about what she was doing to me or how I would react when she went public with the guy she monkey branched to from me. It’s truly sad and painful she turned out to be like this. 9 months later and I pretty much know I will never hear from her again and the thought of that alone breaks my heart.
PS: my response to you is above, not sure why it didnt post here
I was unable to leave a reply directly under your last message, maybe we maxed out the forum lol.
Our stories sound like they have plenty of similarities. Especially with the pain, hoping she would return and knowing they moved on with someone else so fast. My therapist said I am in a battle involving my head, heart and ego…a relative triple threat match. My head knows it’s over and she isn’t coming back. It also knows she is not a good person as she showed me how selfish, emotionally immature she could be. I believe she never truly loved me or she would have been willing to fight for us, talk over anything she saw as an issue and most importantly, wouldn’t have lined up another guy to replace me. Even as I say this stuff about her, I find it hard to believe because she had my full and complete trust. Never trusted anyone like I did her and to have that come back at me is hard to accept. My heart causes conflict as it loved her (as still does) more than anything or anyone and is nostalgic over all the good times we shared in the 5 years together. It miss her dearly and tries to tell me that we shared a special bond and that one day she will realize that and come back. It strongly believes she was my one and only. Then the ego comes into play. The ego is angry, the ego hates her for her actions. The ego keeps saying how could she even think of leaving me. I was so great to her and her son. I took very good care of them, I always put them before me. I was always there for her and gave her so much. She should have appreciated me and all I was and did for her. Not only how could she leave me, but how could she move onto this other #*%@ing guy?
I have trying to stop thinking about her and especially wallowing in those thoughts because they just depress me and that’s not going to fix anything. Like you were saying when my thoughts go to her, I have been stopping myself and refocusing on something else. Granted, this is only day 2 that I got into this mindset and so far it is going well, but to maintain it, will be the real test. Missing what we had and thinking about her with the other guy and creating scenarios as to what they are doing is what hurts me the most, so I am working hard to block all that. I would like to find knew hobbies, but honestly I cannot find anything that is interesting me. I took up bowling recently and play in a league once a week. Even though I am not too great at it, I enjoy it. But besides that league night, I can’t find anyone who has the desire or time to bowl with me. Who wants to bowl alone?
I know I was not the issue, the issue was me not getting her a house and that’s really sad, but it shows you the type of person she is. I know many people don’t believe me when I say this is what did us in. If she acted like an adult and actually talked to me, maybe I would have discovered other problems too. I definitely won’t same I did no wrong or was perfect because that’s not the case. But if she just had respect for me and gave me more time, we could have overcome any hurdles, but she’s the type who would rather run from a problem than face it. She never developed responsibility as her mother would handle all her problems and then I was doing it for her until I became the problem and I am sure now her new guy does it.
Tim, as always you have my full appreciation and if I can do anything to return the favor or you need to talk, I would be happy to be there for you as you are for me my friend. Thank you.
Hi Ed,
I’m glad I helped 🙂 It’s nice that you’re now on day 2 of blocking the negative thoughts. I think it will help you move on and it requires a lot of self discipline but the more you do it, the easier it’ll become. You’ll have days when it’s not easy still but they will be less and less frequent.
Try another sport maybe, one that you can do alone? Or learn how to play an instrument.. it kills time and get your focus off of her.
I recognize myself a lot in your story too, we had similar ones indeed. One thing is for sure, the “scenario” thing, where you imagine what they’re doing: no bueno. I too was (and sometimes still am) picturing all the greatest scenarios: she was having tons of sex, awesome sex, with a tall, athletic, smart, generous, kind, confident, handsome man. She’s going on vacation with him, enjoying her life, enjoying work.. everything is working for her. I even started connecting dots that didnt exist. I was convinced she was having the best time of her life, based off of social media, hearsay and whatnot.
I since came to learn that she didn’t have tons of sex. She moved on to a guy who left her. She didnt go on vacation. She wasn.t that fulfilled and happy. Her job was stagnant.. We tend to imagine the worst case scenario, that everything is good for them, coz if it wasn’t, they would contact us right? That’s what all gurus say. When they experience pain, they come back. They dont pal. That.s sad but they just don’t, regardless of what happens in their life.
I know it’s hard, I know it’s a battle with yourself. You’ll get out of this stronger, and you’ll find someone, don’t stay in the mindset that she was the one. Time flies but also is very slow sometimes. 5 years from now you’ll laugh at how you were and you’ll have find someone much better.
Enjoy your weekend for now,
I’m glad I could help. You’re on the right track
Tim
Hey Tim,
Two days in, I’m doing better than I have been. I know there are going to be good days and bad days, but hopefully in time the good will greatly out number the bad.
My time during the week is pretty full. As I do something every night Mon-Thur. My issue is Fri Night through Sun. That’s the times when I got the loneliest especially Sat/Sun as sometimes I am spending the whole day alone. I can’t find something to do or anyone to hang with consistently on the weekends. And now with my favorite time of year (summer) is here and I like to be out, it makes it even harder. I am really not into instruments either, but I appreciate the suggestion.
Those scenarios do kill me. I do picture them constantly having sex as now that she lives so much closer to her mother, I am sure she pawns her son off on her so she can spend more alone time with this guy. While we did have alone time, nothing like she could have now. I never had to twist her arm for sex so I am sure she is having more often than she did with me.
I have seen this guy and while he is better than the short and fat guy I was hoping she was going to end up with, he isn’t that great. He’s 7 years younger than me, but he looks older than me. He looks like he might be in okay shape, but I am sure I am in better shape and more athletic. When I did stalk their socials he didn’t have much on his page, but maybe it was private like she made hers to me. But I did see pics on his page from a European looking area so the thoughts of him taking her overseas on vacation did pop in my mind. We didn’t do too much for vacations in the past years as I was saving for a house but we still did things, but now I imagine she will be going on bigger better vacations with him. It is one of the first thoughts I had as the summer arrived that she will being going on trips with him alone, something we never did or even trips with him, her son, her mother and step dad as her mom loves to constantly take trips. These thoughts bothered me a lot as I will not be going anywhere in the near future. I had one trip this year to California which was for work and a couple of day trips, but nothing else has come up. I don’t want to do a trip alone, I want to have a partner to do a trip with. I know all this may or may not be happening, as you mentioned our minds imagine the worst, it is torture. I will not know any of this for fact as I have zero connection to her, him or will I look at anything remotely related to their socials. May I ask, how did you learn the true reality of your ex’s life?
I don’t think there is a situation in the world that would have her come back. She moved closer to her family and is over an hour away from me. I also don’t think she has it in her to reach out and say she is sorry for what she did. She lacks any empathy and shows no regret, respect or responsibility for anything. She didn’t burn the bridge down, she nuked the area!! I never remember her ever apologizing for anything. The word sorry never came out of her mouth. I would love to hear her side of the story. I’m sure I am the villain and she was so strong and courageous for leaving. She’s a coward and she proved it by how she ended things with me. It is sad this is the path it went down, but it is the path SHE CHOSE!!!!
As I said before, I just wish things could turn around on the dating front for me. I know this would do nothing but help me sever any lingering feelings I have for her. It would definitely help me move on. I just can’t figure out what I am doing so wrong on that front and why I am not having even a slight bit appeal with women. Yes, my looks aren’t much, but I am funny, intelligent, thoughtful and authentic. I have my life together on all other fronts. I just don’t get it.
I hope you have a great weekend as well and thank you again for your help.
Hi Ed.
You don’t want to hear from her while you’re hurting. You want her to stay away and focus on herself. She’s with someone else and doesn’t care. That mean she’s harmful to your healing and well-being.
Hang in there,
Zan