My Ex Says She Misses Me But Doesn’t Come Back

When an ex says she misses you, she probably does miss you a little bit. She must be reminiscing about the relationship and want to know if you feel similar to her. Being on the same page with her would make her feel that you care about her as a person and that you support her even though she dumped you.

It can feel great to hear that the dumper misses you as it gives you hope that she might be coming back around.

But one thing you need to keep in mind is that the driving factor behind her nostalgia isn’t love. It’s guilt, a tiny bit of difficulty letting go, fear, or something bad happening in her life. Something like her new relationship failing, issues in the family, depression, losing a job, etc.

Ex-girlfriends usually start saying “I miss you, I love you, I think about you a lot” when some negative emotion affects their way of thinking. That’s when they say these words to obtain a reassuring response or simply to get some things off their chest.

Very seldom do dumpers tell their ex they miss him and then run back to him to be in a relationship with him. Usually, they have no intention of getting back with their ex as their goal isn’t to solve their dumpee’s problems but to express their problems (usually indirectly) and use their ex to feel better.

Just as dumpees sometimes reach out to an ex to ease their pain, dumpers do as well. But the difference between them is that dumpers’ pain is caused by something or someone other than an ex. Some unrelated person, emotion, thought, reminder, or event triggers their anxiety or pain, so they contact their ex to rely on him for all kinds of support.

Little do they know that their behavior is giving their ex hope and making it difficult for their ex to detach and move on.

So if your ex says she misses you but doesn’t do anything to prove that she misses you romantically, don’t take her words seriously. She’s probably just having a hard time with school, work, self-love, or guilt because she’s seeing someone else and needs a familiar person (someone who can validate her) to help her deal with negative emotions and help her forgive herself.

That person is you as you’re the guy who stayed with her and supported her until she let go of you.

This post is for dumpees whose ex says she misses them. We’ll discuss why your ex says she misses you, why she ignores you or goes cold after, and what you should do about her confusing behavior.

Why does my ex say she misses me?

When your ex says she misses you, she likely wants you to say you miss her back. Hearing you say that would make her see that you have no hard feelings toward her and that you still like her as a person despite her dumping you and causing you pain.

Your reassurance would make it easier for her to deal with guilt or some other unpleasant situation she got herself into after the breakup. It would tell her that she’s a good person and that she can rely on you whenever she’s having a hard time accepting her behavior, coping with the breakup, and dealing with life in general.

Although there’s nothing wrong with helping people, you mustn’t forget that this isn’t a random person who needs help. She’s your ex – someone who caused you a ton of pain and made you fend for yourself. She left you to deal with separation anxiety by yourself, so she shouldn’t say confusing things unless she’s regretting breaking up with you and wants to stop your pain by getting back with you.

That’s the only time she should say she misses you. Any other time will just confuse you, empower you with hope, and make you wonder what you can do to get her back.

So if she doesn’t make plans with you the moment she says she misses you, know that your ex doesn’t miss you the way you need her to and that she doesn’t plan on coming back. She’s just looking after her own emotional well-being and will likely continue relying on you for support unless you do something about it.

Doing something would entail telling her you need space and that you’ll let her know when you’re ready to be friends.

Even though it’s possible that your ex is in a bad relationship and that she said she missed you to see if you’re receptive to her, you mustn’t think it’s your job to make it easy for her to come back. Your job is to be nice to her because everyone deserves niceness, but other than that, you need to protect yourself and show her you understand that dumpers use their exes when they feel down.

You can show her this not by telling her she’s using you and confusing you, but by refusing to validate and support her. This won’t make you look mean or unreliable, but quite the opposite, actually. You’ll appear strong, determined, and much more attractive.

Your ex will want to talk to you more and see your value clearer if you don’t give her everything she needs from you. So don’t give her everything if she doesn’t commit. You have to pull back a little and put yourself before her. This is especially true if you were clingy and invested in her more than yourself.

Now that she misses you, she needs to take care of her own issues and emotions. She can’t expect you to continue helping her as if you were together. Those days are over, so let her take care of her things while you take care of yours.

Here’s a recap of why your ex says she misses you but doesn’t come back.

Many dumpees want to hear their ex say that she misses them, but they have no idea how dangerous hearing these words can be. Even the smallest indication that their ex still likes them can destroy their emotional progress and reset their healing.

It can give them so much hope they drop what they’re doing and start chasing their ex again.

I suppose this depends on how long it’s been since their ex broke up with them and how much hope they’ve lost and self-esteem they’ve rebuilt.

If they’re still extremely hopeful that their ex will come back, I love yous and I miss yous typically give dumpees so much hope they become obsessed with their ex for days. They can’t get their ex out of their mind as their ex forces their brain to analyze everything their ex said.

And if they’re not very hopeful and/or are in love with someone else already, they can process their ex-girlfriend’s breadcrumbs in a matter of minutes and forget about them after a few hours.

That’s why dumpees who don’t hear hope-giving words heal much faster than those who do. They don’t get strung along and can just focus on healing rather than their ex’s problems.

My ex says she misses me and then goes cold

Hot and cold behavior isn’t a sign that your ex is warming up to you and getting ready to be with you. It’s a sign that your ex is trying to be nice to you for the sake of being nice or getting something from you. You mustn’t think that hot and cold behavior means that your ex has fallen back in love with you and started desiring your attention and affection.

Think of it as a neutral sign dumpers give when they experience some kind of negative occurrence. If you do that, you’ll keep your expectations low and realize that a person who loves you doesn’t constantly change her attitude toward you.

When she loves you, her attitude is positive and unchanging, and makes sure she receives a validating response from you.

So if your ex misses you and then goes cold, this tells you that your ex-girlfriend is cold because of something you’re doing or because her perception of you isn’t very good. She may want to be your friend, but when you get too close to her, you make her see you want too much from her and that she can’t give it to you.

She’s still determined to stay broken up, so she’ll stay determined as long as she doesn’t feel any desire to secure a spot in your heart and reconnect romantically.

You must stay away from an ex who says she misses you and then goes cold. An ex like that has moments when she misses you (needs something from you), but for the most part, her priorities lie elsewhere. She might not be 100% sure about some new guy she’s seeing and keeps contacting you to find out how you feel about her.

Here are some reasons your ex may be missing you and going cold afterward:

• She’s dating someone but it’s not going well.
• She’s happy with her decision but occasionally becomes nostalgic.
• Sometimes she gets stressed, hurt, insecure, or depressed and wants your validation. Once she receives it, she recovers emotionally and no longer needs you.
• She’s curious, reaches out, and then gets overwhelmed.

What to do when she says she misses you?

The very first thing you must do when your ex-girlfriend says she misses you is analyze what triggered her nostalgia. You can directly ask her what made her miss you and wait for her response. If she tells you she’s been thinking about you, that’s not what you want to hear.

Thinking is merely thinking. It doesn’t show she has romantic feelings or cravings and that she wants you back. She likely won’t develop feelings by speaking with you, so you can tell her you appreciate her telling you that but that you’re not ready to be friends just yet and that you need time to yourself.

This will stop her from telling you confusing things and making the breakup more difficult for you. It will also tell her that friendship is off the table and that you may want more than that or nothing at all. Normally, telling exes “partners or nothing” is not a good idea as they already know you want more.

But you can let them figure it out on their own by saying you’re not ready to be friends and that you want to focus on yourself for a while. Most dumpers don’t object to that as they understand where their ex comes from. They let their ex go and detach.

Only dumpers who don’t understand what their ex needs or those who want their ex back oppose that idea. That’s because they have different expectations and plans for their ex. Those people immediately say they want to get back together or ask to meet up and discuss things.

So if your ex says she misses you but doesn’t commit, don’t wait for her to commit. You won’t encourage nor manipulate her to develop feelings for you because she has to go through certain experiences first to see you in a different light.

When she does go through those experiences, she’ll redevelop feelings and develop the willpower to put in the work.

If she says she wants you back, though, then think about whether you want to get back with her. If you think she’s a great person and you can forgive her, take her back on a trial period. Say you’ll be observing her behavior for 2 or 3 weeks and that you won’t stay if you don’t see any improvements.

That should motivate her to try harder to become more committed, mature, and aware of your wants and needs.

Does your ex say she misses you and it’s giving you a lot of anxiety? What do you think dumpers want when they tell their dumpee they miss him? Let us know in the comments below!

And if you’d like to discuss your ex’s nostalgic behavior with us, take a look at our coaching page for more information.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.