If your ex is harassing you through text or calls, your ex wants to forcefully gain control over your life. He or she wants to be in charge of your thoughts, emotions, and actions and feel powerful for having so much influence over your life.
Power gives your ex satisfaction and a sense of control as your ex most likely lacked control when he or she was a child.
Now that your ex is a grown-up, your ex is essentially trying to feel the feelings his or her parents never allowed your ex to feel. Your ex is trying to feel listened to and is projecting his or her parents’ childhood errors and shortcomings onto you.
By doing so, your ex expects to bring reactions out of you that validate his or her influence and importance. The stronger your (emotional) reactions are, the more satisfied your ex feels.
The purpose of harassment is to grab your attention and create annoyance and emotional distress. Pain in general tells your ex that he or she is capable of manipulating your thoughts and feelings and keeping you hooked and worried.
Knowing that you’re unhappy and not moving on is enough for your ex to feel better about his or her miserable situation. It’s enough for your ex to know that he or she has had the last laugh and that you also get to suffer because of the breakup.
Therefore, your ex is harassing you through text because it empowers your ex in an unhealthy way. It gives your ex a feeling of superiority and control that he or she lacked due to poor self-esteem, strict childhood, various traumas, or a lack of personal growth (maturity).
You must know that you’re not responsible for your ex’s harassment and improper behavior. You’re not asking to be harassed. Your ex just doesn’t want you to be happy because your happiness threatens his or her ego and pride.
Your ex is envious and wants to see that you’re miserable like him or her so your ex can feel that his or her misery is justified. As they say, misery loves company. Miserable people feel better when others are failing, unhappy, and stuck in life just like them. It reassures them that they’re not alone and that they’re going to be okay.
Your ex wants the same thing. He or she wants to put you down, embrace your unhappiness (even if it comes out as anger), and then uplift himself/herself. Your ex doesn’t know how to cope with difficult post-breakup emotions, so your ex intends to use you to deal with pain and unwanted emotions.
Your ex doesn’t know healthier methods for dealing with a lack of control and anger. He or she hasn’t developed them yet. That’s why your ex reacts impulsively whenever insecurities kick in and overwhelm your ex’s underdeveloped defense mechanisms.
Your ex has been taught (or taught him/herself) to combat unwanted emotions with anger and destruction. By taking his or her frustrations out on the person creating difficult emotions (you), your ex expects to overpower you and show you who’s boss.
Your ex’s ego essentially compels your ex to be a few steps ahead of you because that way, your ex would move on quicker and easier than you.
So if your ex is harassing you through text and you don’t know what to say or do, know that there’s a lot you can do to stop your ex from harassing you. There’s a nice way, a determined way, and a legal way. I suggest you try resolving conflicts the nice way first (even if you don’t want to).
If you merely react to difficult emotions, you’ll indeliberately increase the tensions and create difficult situations. And such situations will make you and your ex more stressed and complicate an already complicated situation.
Sometimes life requires you to take control of emotions and respond maturely even though it’s the last thing you want. It’s called emotional maturity, which presumably, is something your harassing ex doesn’t have.
If the nice method doesn’t work, you can then tell your ex you don’t want to communicate anymore and that you’ll block him/her if you receive any more (harassing) messages.
And if your ex keeps annoying you after that, you can contact the police and get a protective order, also known as a restraining order against your ex. Before you do that though, make sure to exhaust all options.
Today, we talk about why your ex is harassing you through text and what you can do about it.
Why is my ex harassing me through text?
Your ex is harassing you through text specifically because texting is informal. It allows your ex to express his or her racing thoughts and emotions directly. Your ex finds it easier to annoy you through the distance because your ex knows there will be no consequences, at least no physical ones.
You might retaliate verbally or block your ex, but you certainly won’t be of any physical danger to your ex. That gives your ex a feeling of invulnerability and certainty that you can’t do anything that would harm him or her physically.
As for why your ex is harassing you in the first place, let’s first talk about what harassment is.
Some people think harassment is when an ex texts you 30 times a day and asks for explanations and time to talk. Well, that’s not harassment. It’s desperation – an overwhelming desire to feel validated and stop hurting.
It might not seem very different from harassment, but harassment is typically intentional. It consists of sexual advances, sending or sharing offensive/sexual photos, texts, letters, and recordings, verbal, physical, emotional, and psychological abuse, and destruction of property.
The most common harassment exes encounter include:
- humiliation
- intimidation
- offensive remarks
- criticism
- and online bullying
Those who harass their ex like to hog power and feel in control of their ex’s life. They don’t care that their abusive behavior is wrong and that they should learn to control their emotions and impulses rather than react to them.
That explains why abusive people tend to stay abusive.
What doesn’t count as harassment though is anything exes (typically dumpees) do when they’re anxious. Anything that doesn’t intend to irritate their ex and bring a negative reaction out of their ex is considered acceptable dumpee behavior.
Dumpees shouldn’t be acting desperate, but lots of things shouldn’t happen in this world.
When someone leaves you, your brain goes into survival mode and makes you do desperate things.
This includes things such as:
- texting and calling
- begging and pleading
- asking for closure
- asking for money and belongings back
- posting a lot on social media
- pretending to be over the ex
- playing jealousy games
- and anything that grabs the dumper’s attention
Although some dumpees harass their ex (some do it for years), the majority of dumpees don’t. Most dumpees are anxious, in denial, and annoy their ex for a while because they want their ex back. After a while, though, they realize their ex is too far gone to rationalize and decide to leave their ex alone.
They don’t see how texting their ex would lower their ex’s guard and inspire their ex to want to be with them again.
Dumpees who actually harass their ex call their ex names, show up at their ex’s front door, break their ex’s window, scratch their ex’s car, and try to destroy their ex’s new relationship. They know that such behaviors are wrong and punishable by law, but they can’t stop themselves.
They don’t want to stop themselves because they feel victimized and enraged and think it’s their job to get back at their ex for dumping them and hurting them. Such dumpees refuse to turn the other cheek as they believe they have the right to retaliate and hurt people back.
This kind of mentality, sadly, turns them into vengeful people who respond to anger with anger and force those they hurt to retaliate.
Vengeful people’s karma is their vengeance and inability to de-escalate difficult situations.
So if your dumpee ex is harassing you and making you feel uncomfortable, know that your ex is desperately trying to hold on to power and control. Your ex isn’t happy with the relationship ending, so your ex adopted an “If I’m not happy, you shouldn’t be happy either” mentality.
This kind of thinking tells your ex to obstruct your happiness, independence, and everything you want, need, and expect after the breakup. Your ex knows that you don’t want a relationship with him or her anymore and that getting back together would be difficult if not impossible.
That’s why your ex is trying to destroy your happiness and hinder your moving-on progress. Your ex wants to see you in pain and having difficulty moving on so your ex can feel better about the breakup and his or her stopped relationship plans and goals.
Because your ex is acting so vengefully, your ex is showing you that leaving him or her was the right call and that you’ll be much happier without a person who is dangerous for you as well as himself or herself.
Here’s why dumpees harass their dumper.
But what if’s not the dumpee who’s harassing you? What if it’s the dumper?
In that case, the dumper feels that he or she has suffered significantly more than you and that you should pay for his or her suffering. Your ex doesn’t want you to get away after you have disrespected, humiliated, and hurt him or her and thinks that the best thing to do is to make you experience the kind of feelings he or she experienced.
Vengeful dumpers have no idea that their ex is already hurting and that their ex has the right to leave them alone and date other people. Because they hate the thought of their ex thriving in their absence, insecure dumpers tend to get angry and engage in meaningless battles with their ex.
By fighting with their ex, they attempt to assert their dominance and show their ex they’re prepared to fight dirty if they have to.
Dumpees and dumpers who harass their ex through text have the same goal. They wish to extort power from their ex and convince themselves that they’re right and their ex isn’t. It’s something they do to satisfy their vanity and feel ahead of their ex.
Post-breakup harassment is essentially rivalry. Exes compete for power, justice, and peace of mind. When they feel they got what they could get out of each other, they disappear from each other’s lives and do the same thing to someone else.
You must understand that exes harass one another through text or other means because they’re hurting inside. For some reason, they feel victimized and think that their ex shouldn’t have such an easy time moving on.
In their mind, their ex should suffer with them (or rather because of them and more than them) and stay lost and confused. That would make their day.
My ex is harassing me; what do I do?
Harassers have an eye for an eye mentality, feed on their ex’s suffering, and get satisfaction from it. They don’t see anything wrong with causing pain and doing their best to get a negative reaction out of their ex.
But despite them taunting you and making you want to stoop to their level, don’t take them on and try to beat them at their own game.
They won’t let you win no matter how hard you try because they’re experienced and enjoy arguing and being in control. They don’t think the smarter person gives up first. On the contrary, they think the person who wins is the one who fights till the very end.
As a result, they harass their ex for as long as their ex resists (gives them a reason to fight back).
If you don’t want to get stuck in a loop of fighting with your ex, I suggest you do something about it. Find a way to control yourself from reacting angrily and making your ex want to have the last laugh.
As I mentioned at the beginning of the article, there are three solutions to stop your ex from harassing you through text.
The nice method
The first thing you should try when you have a problem with your ex is to ask your ex if you said something to upset him or her. Tell your ex that you’re not trying to pick fights but that you get hurt when he or she says hurtful things.
Afterward, say that you’re both going through a lot at the moment and that you’d like to bury the hatchet and perhaps even be friends one day.
Your ex should see that you’re human with feelings and that you wish to break the pattern of arguing. It doesn’t matter what you disagree about. As long as you show interest in de-escalating the quarrel, a mature and healthy ex will notice your changed attitude and lower the heat.
He or she will be sympathetic toward your pain and try to talk things out.
This is the method you should choose if your ex is reasonable and capable of resolving matters peacefully. Just remember that you won’t know if your ex is willing to listen and resolve matters amicably if you don’t lower your ego and pride and show vulnerability.
Someone has to take the first step. It may as well be you. You can start by refusing to allow yourself to react poorly to your ex’s unhealthy behavior.
The determined way
If the nice way fails and your ex continues to harass you through text, your second option is to tell your ex you don’t appreciate being harassed and that this is the last time you tolerate abuse. Don’t call your ex a narcissist and give your ex reasons to act mean.
Just state that you’re not looking for problems and that you’ll delete his/her number and block him or her online the next time you receive rude or offensive texts. If your ex ignores your warning and hurts you, make sure to actually block your ex.
Your ex needs to learn to take you seriously.
The determined way is perfect for exes who don’t take people’s feelings seriously. It’s perfect for those who think you’re too nice to cut them off.
The legal way
After you’ve warned your ex not to harass you anymore, I encourage you to start no contact with your ex. There’s no point in staying in touch with an ex unless you have kids together, a business, or something that requires communication.
Sadly, bullies don’t always stop when they’re asked or told to stop. They think they’re above the law and that others will bend to their will. Such people must be shown that there’s another way for you not to keep them in your life.
That way is called a restraining order. You can get it against your ex as a last-ditch effort after you’ve asked your ex not to harass you. Again, harassing involves threatening you and your family rather than receiving a few “please take me back” texts.
Most dumpees beg for a while. That doesn’t mean they harass you. They just want to know what happened and what they can do to get back together. If you don’t want to get back together, you have to communicate properly so you can avoid hurting your ex and allow your ex and yourself to move on.
Is your ex harassing you through text and you’re wondering what to do? Did this article help? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.
And lastly, if you’d like our help with your ex’s harassment, go to our coaching page to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
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