Why Do Guys Bring Up Their Ex-girlfriends?

Guys bring up their ex-girlfriends for various reasons. In relationships (especially long-term ones), they usually bring them up to trash-talk them, empower themselves, and make themselves and their current relationship look better.

Guys like to compare relationships and say that what they have now is much better than what they had in the past. By directly expressing their discontent with their ex, they indirectly express their gratitude for their partner.

They state they’re glad the relationship with their ex is over and that they appreciate what they have with their current partner.

There’s nothing wrong with bringing up an ex-girlfriend once in a while. Talking about exes is completely normal. Every couple I know, including me does it once in a while. We like to point out something we did or something that happened to us in the past and express that we had a life prior to meeting our partner.

Our experiences with our exes shaped us into the people we are today. Experiences (especially bad ones) tell us what we like and want and what we don’t like and don’t want. Without those experiences, we wouldn’t have learned what healthy, fulfilling, and meaningful relationships look like.

So you can be mad at guys for talking about their exes or you can acknowledge that they share their old lives because they trust you and want you to know what kind of relationships they were in.

Guys in relationships tend not to feel angry at their exes. They’ve already forgiven their exes and themselves for making mistakes.

It’s the people who aren’t in a relationship (people you’re dating and still getting to know that you should be worried about. Those people could be going through heartbreak and might not be ready for a serious relationship with you that quickly.

If they’re bringing up their ex (and enthusiastically saying bad things about their ex), it’s probably because it’s therapeutic for them. Venting helps them relieve anxiety, stress, and depression—and enables them to accept the situation they lack control over.

Although dumpees and dumpers both bring up their ex-girlfriends, brokenhearted dumpees tend to talk about their exes way more often. They think about their recent ex 24/7 and need closure or acceptance. That’s why they mention their ex out of the blue and try to feel better about the injustice they suffered and the pain they feel.

Dumpers that just abandoned a relationship, on the other hand, usually bring up their ex when something random reminds them of their ex and makes them feel victimized and repulsed. That’s when they say how terrible their ex was and how they don’t want to be with a person who behaves in similar ways.

Dumpers don’t rebound as often as dumpees. When their new relationship fails, it’s not because of emotional unavailability but because of a lack of patience toward people who display personality traits that remind them of their ex.

So bear in mind that most if not all guys bring up their ex-girlfriends once in a while. For the most part, guys will mention bad things unless they befriended their ex and keep their ex around for friendship purposes, shared custody, or some other responsibility or convenience.

Such guys could make you feel insecure and wonder if a relationship with them is worth the anxiety and uncertainty. You either need to accept that their ex or exes will remain in their lives or express you’re not happy about it and see if you can reach a compromise.

Whatever you do, just don’t ignore the problem because it will likely spiral out of control.

So if you want to know why guys bring up their ex-girlfriends, know that it depends on how long it’s been since the breakup or rather, how successful they were at processing the separation. If they got dumped and it’s been only a few weeks, it’s obvious they talk about their exes (probably one ex in particular) because that ex broke their heart.

Their ex rejected them and destroyed their self-esteem. They now need to talk about their ex to get their ex out of their system and get themselves back.

You might be the person they use for emotional support, validation, and distraction.

In today’s post, we discuss why guys bring up their ex-girlfriends and how you can tell if they’re still attached to their ex and would leave her for you.

Why do guys bring up their ex-girlfriends?

Guys bring up ex-girlfriends for one main reason; because they think about them. Something or someone reminds them of their exes, so they believe it’d be nice or convenient to talk about their exes. They think it’d be nice to talk about them when they get reminded of them randomly and think it’d be convenient to talk about them when they’re hurting and feeling nostalgic.

Guys who aren’t over their ex tend to bring up their ex-girlfriends a lot. They talk about one (the most recent) ex in particular and make it look like their ex-girlfriend was the worst. They mention her flaws and mistakes and direct a lot of anger toward her.

Oftentimes, they curse and call their ex names as well. Such guys shouldn’t be dating. They should be getting therapy, working on placating their anger, and making sure their anger doesn’t turn into resentment.

Fortunately, most guys (typically those who are in a relationship for a while) bring up their ex-girlfriends mainly because they get reminded of them. They think their exes would make an interesting conversation topic and that it’s okay to tell stories and joke about them.

Guys look at ex-topics rationally and don’t see any harm in talking about people from the past. They think it’d be kind of fun to share some good and bad experiences rather than pretend they never happened. Guys expect their new partners to understand that they had a life before meeting them and that they dated people in the past.

I think couples should be able to talk about their exes. They should be able to freely express themselves so they can know who and what kind of people they dated. Relationships and breakups make us grow. We should discuss them so we can be better than ourselves and the people we dated.

I don’t mean that we should compete with our old flames. But if they treated us poorly, we should try extra hard to evolve and not do to new partners what our exes did to us.

Talking about our ex’s disrespectful, mean, or unhealthy behavior can engrave into our brains that we should strive to be better people. It can rewire our thinking patterns and make us handle difficult situations better.

Repetition is the mother of learning. Every time we disapprove of certain behaviors, we gain a little bit of control over them.

The problem is that some guys bring up their ex-girlfriends way too often. They monkey-branched into a new relationship without taking the time to process the separation, so they rely on other people for therapy.

Such guys constantly talk about their ex, say how their ex did them dirty, and express contempt, sadness, or disappointment. To new dating prospects, they usually appear frustrated and angry.

But frustration and anger are merely their responses to pain. Deep inside, they feel anxious, invalidated, and unimportant.

That’s why people who direct anger toward their ex aren’t ready for relationships. They may really want to be in a relationship, but they can’t be in one because they haven’t let go of their ex. Their heart still craves their ex’s recognition and love.

So bear in mind that such guys bring up their ex-girlfriends because they still want to be with them. They only look like they want to be with you or the person they’re talking to so they can distract themselves and ease their pain.

That is very selfish and unfair to the people who get their hopes up about dating them.

All in all, the reasons why guys bring up their ex-girlfriends can be split into two groups.

The following picture will explain things further.

Single guys who got broken up with years ago usually don’t bring up their ex. They don’t feel attached to their ex anymore, so they don’t think about their ex very much. When they do think about their ex and bring her up, they tend to joke about her.

Don’t immediately assume that guys bring up their ex only because they’re still in love with her. That’s not always the case! It’s much more common and likely that random things remind them of their ex and make them want to talk about her.

If you ask me, that’s no cause for alarm. It’s a random, yet interesting conversation.

To me, talking about exes is entertaining. I share my experiences with my partner probably once a week. Most of the time, I joke about them. But sometimes I use my and my exes’ negative behaviors as examples of how not to act.

I don’t directly express how nasty, evil, and narcissistic my exes were because that would show I harbor relationship-destructive and self-destructive thoughts and feelings. I just say what I want and don’t want in our relationship.

My partner then does the same—and I believe it brings us closer.

It’s possible that the guy in question is also trying to bond with you. By expressing how bad and unfulfilling his relationships were and asking you to share your experiences with your exes, he might be trying to help you open up and build rapport.

This probably depends on how long you’ve known him.

The point I’m trying to make is that you have nothing to worry about if you’ve been together for a while and he brings up his ex once in a blue moon. Exes are associated with drama. And a lot of people talk about them simply because it’s amusing.

When should you be worried about guys bringing up their ex-girlfriends?

You probably have a reason to be concerned about a guy talking about his ex when he brings up his ex early on – on the first, second, or third date. If he says you remind him of his ex, tells you his ex used to do something, or talks badly about his ex, the guy clearly feels hurt and hasn’t processed the separation yet.

His self-esteem is still extremely low and is probably dating you just to fill the void. Once he recovers emotionally, his self-esteem will improve—and that’s when he’ll pull away or make you leave him. Either way, you’ll suffer immensely.

You can avoid unnecessary pain by learning how to spot heartbroken guys and keeping them away from you.

A good way to identify that a guy is grieving the end of his relationship is by observing his attitude toward you and his attitude toward his ex. His attitude in general, tells you what his emotional state is like and whether he’s ready for new romantic investments and commitments.

You can tell a guy is not over his ex when he’s:

• talking about his ex all the time (many times a week, followed by days of silence)
• talking badly about her
• getting emotional about it
• comparing her to you a lot
• voluntarily showing you pictures of her
• keeping her picture in his wallet
• and not showing interest in your exes after he’s told you about his

A guy who does one or more of the things above has no right to lead you or any other woman on. He hasn’t earned that right to give you hope because he hasn’t worked through his post-breakup emotions and prepared himself for another relationship.

He’s still trying to figure out what to do about his desire to be with his ex.

So be cautious about guys who bring up their ex-girlfriends in excessive manners. Keep in mind that they could betray you if their ex comes back or that they could dump you if they get overwhelmed with your pace and relationship expectations.

It may be best to prepare yourself in advance by talking to them about their feelings for their ex. Some might lie, but if you keep observing their attitude and encouraging them to open up, they should eventually admit it, slip up, or see you’re right and leave.

Just don’t pressure them. If guys hate anything, it’s confrontations and accusations. They often react angrily because they consider it mistrust.

All in all, time will tell whether they’re still in love with their ex. You’ll find out about it because someone who has feelings for his ex will rebound in a matter of weeks. He just needs to stop feeling infatuated and encounter bonding problems.

The first issues you can expect to encounter are:

• problems bonding, communicating, and planning for the future
• him disconnecting emotionally and lacking the energy to do anything or go anywhere
• him expressing doubts and things that bother him about you and others
• him not answering your calls and making time for you

I hope you’ve learned why guys bring up their ex-girlfriends and when you should be concerned about it. Leave your thoughts in the comments below and we’ll respond shortly.

And if you want to discuss this matter with us, sign up for coaching here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.