Many dumpers don’t know how they’re making their ex feel. They have no idea they’re stringing their ex along and making things difficult for their ex. All dumpers know is that they must focus on their own wants and needs and get what they want from their ex.
If they want company, they must try to get it. And if they want support, reassurance, or friendship, they must get that too. To them, it’s completely acceptable to rely on their ex for certain benefits or privileges.
They don’t know (or care) that by staying in touch and relying on their ex, they’re giving their ex a lot of false hope and anxiety. That’s why they usually stay friends with their ex (if their ex lets them) and make it seem like they still like their ex and might be thinking about coming back.
In truth, they just like getting certain things from their ex. They like that their ex is willing to stay on good terms with them and make them feel better for dumping their ex.
A simple explanation for why dumpers talk to their ex is that talking to their ex doesn’t hurt them. And because it doesn’t hurt them, they assume it doesn’t hurt their ex either. They think their ex feels the way they feel and that their ex must want the same as them (friendship) otherwise their ex wouldn’t have responded to them.
It’s their understanding that their ex would have ignored them, gotten angry with them, or done something extreme if their ex wasn’t interested in communicating.
This is why dumpers oftentimes continue to breadcrumb their ex-partner for months without the intention of getting back together. They do this by calling, texting, liking photos, opening stories, and doing anything that shows they still care about their ex and respect him or her.
Dumpers are happy as long as they see that their ex is receptive to them and doesn’t hate them. This is enough for them to forgive themselves for discarding the relationship and breaking their ex’s heart.
So if your ex left you and you’re wondering if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is stringing you along, you can be certain that your ex is doing that if you feel hopeful because of your ex. Your ex doesn’t need to be super friendly or flirty with you to string you along.
He or she can give you false hope just by refusing or failing to give you the space you need to self-prioritize and stop thinking about your ex.
Also, bear in mind that dumpers don’t necessarily string their exes along just to have an alternative plan in place in case something goes horribly wrong with their primary plan.
Dumpers string their exes along because they:
- don’t understand that dumpees need time to detach and get over the breakup
- wish to remain friends and don’t want to lose their ex completely
- want emotional support
- feel that it’d be a big waste of their time and effort to just cut their ex off
- want to stop feeling guilty for leaving their ex
- want to have someone to talk to when no one else is there for them
So if your ex is constantly making you think about him or her and you’re wondering, “Is my ex stringing me along,” you need to know that your ex is not merely confused about the breakup. Your ex probably just doesn’t know what you need from him or her to process the breakup and get over it.
Your ex doesn’t even know you need time to yourself to recover because your ex is assuming you’ve detached from him or her ages ago just like your ex has from you.
In today’s post, we talk about whether your ex is stringing you along or taking it slow.
Why do exes string us along?
Due to self-empowering post-breakup emotions, dumpers don’t think about getting back together with the person they fell out of love with and abandoned.
They tend to worry about themselves and think about how they’re going to spend their spare time and enjoy their freedom. It’s why they initiated the breakup in the first place – to focus on their wants and needs and to do what makes them happy.
There are, however, some dumpers who initially doubt their decision. They know that they’re happier without their dumpee, but they can’t help but wonder whether their ex is doing okay.
Such self-aware dumpers feel bad for leaving their ex-partner behind, so they initially feel a lot of guilt and mistake their guilt and anxiety for love.
They think to themselves, “If I’m hurting this much, it must mean that I made a stupid decision. I must still love my ex at least a little bit.“
But the truth is that they don’t love their ex.
They just aren’t happy with their choices, such as the way they handled the breakup, how they treated their ex, and the pain they’ve caused their ex.
This is why they feel that they need to redeem themselves and make their ex feel valued and supported. They think that if they show they’re willing to stay in touch with their ex that they’re being considerate of their ex’s feelings and that their ex will appreciate them.
But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Unless dumpers selflessly provide dumpees with closure or some kind of detachment support, dumpees are far better off without their exes. They heal many, many times faster on their own because by pushing their ex away, dumpees get rid of the drug (their ex) that keeps them emotionally hooked.
When dumpees realize this and tell their ex that they don’t want to stay friends, they take the first step toward independence, happiness, and self-respect.
But some dumpers don’t see it as a form of self-respect because they take their ex’s friendship refusal very personally. They interpret it as a rejection and react very poorly to it.
Some ignorant dumpers get annoyed and walk away whereas others defend themselves by stating that they wanted to stay in touch because they didn’t want to throw away months or years of friendship.
By doing so, they attempt to guilt-trip their ex into staying in frequent contact just so they can continue to benefit from the only person in the world who can help them relieve their guilt.
Little do such dumpers know that it’s nearly impossible for dumpees to stay friends with an ex who broke their heart. They don’t know that it’s extremely painful and detrimental to dumpees’ health and that dumpees don’t feel relieved the way dumpers do.
Dumpees initially suffer from separation anxiety, whereas dumpers feel relieved and elated.
Anyway, here are 5 signs that your ex is stringing you along.
How do I know if my ex is stringing me along?
It’s no secret that many dumpers frequently reach out to their exes and string their exes along. They may not intend to hurt or manipulate their ex-partners’ feelings, but they nonetheless obliviously give their exes false hope and prolong their recovery.
Their words, actions, or presence do that to dumpees as false hope indirectly tells dumpees that their relationship may be salvageable if they just try hard enough to portray themselves as reliable ex-partners.
But unfortunately, reconciliations never go that smoothly. There are just too many negative associations ruining dumpees’ personas and preventing them from crawling back into their exes’ hearts.
It’s unfortunate, but it’s difficult for dumpees to portray themselves better than their exes perceive them.
It’s impossible for them to do that because dumpers store poor opinions and anchored emotions of their exes deep into their subconscious minds—and hold on to them for dear life.
Negatively-enhanced thoughts and feelings are responsible for dumpers’ stubbornness. They are their reminders of the past – of everything they didn’t like about their ex.
So if your ex is stringing you along for non-romantic purposes and you’re looking for reconciliation hope, know that you’re most likely not going to get your ex back by becoming your ex’s friend and showing him or her how many flaws and insecurities you’ve managed to overcome since the breakup.
Your ex might notice your improvements and be happy for you, but as far as romantic feelings go, they won’t return.
Not unless your ex still has feelings and expectations and specifically told you to do your best to impress him or her.
In that case, you might have a fair chance at winning your ex’s love back by investing in areas of your life that need investing the most.
But most breakups, unfortunately, don’t work that way.
When dumpers perceive you as a bad, inadequate, unworthy, insecure, or mean person—you’re going to have one hell of a hard time making them think and feel differently about you.
That’s because dumpers don’t just think you’re unworthy of their love. They also make sure not to change their mind about their decision as changing their mind would mean they were wrong.
And they’d rather not be wrong. Dumpers would have a lot of explaining to do to their friends and family. Especially to those who encouraged them to leave the relationship.
And lastly, even if your ex thinks you can grow, your ex still won’t change his or her mind about you. For most dumpers, it’s not a matter of whether their ex can grow but rather whether they can change their opinion of their ex. From what I’ve seen, most people don’t change their opinion willingly.
It takes pain and anxiety for them to change it.
My ex is stringing me along. What do I do?
If your ex is stringing you along, your ex is making it very difficult for you to heal and boost your self-love. Your ex is constantly reminding you that he or she is still around and making you feel that you might get back together if everything goes according to plan.
Such thoughts are forcing you to stay fixated on your ex when you should be doing everything in your power to move forward with your life and focus on things and people worthy of your time and attention.
At the moment, your ex isn’t one of those people.
He or she stopped being one the moment the breakup occurred because that’s when he or she showed you how important or rather unimportant you were to him or her.
You’ve got to understand that you won’t increase your chances of reconciliation by staying emotionally connected to your ex. You’ll actually have a much smaller chance of success because you’ll over-depend on your ex for recognition and make your ex lose remaining interest.
You’ll also hinder your healing process, get confused, and put yourself through agony and self-torture.
That’s why you need to take back control of your life. Instead of letting your ex string you along, show your ex you respect yourself and that you won’t let your ex string you along for selfish gain.
Do that by unfollowing your ex on social media and telling your ex to stop messaging or calling you next time your ex reaches out.
Your ex needs to understand that he or she is not welcome to reach out after the breakup and that his or her only opportunity to talk with you and maintain the relationship was while you were together.
Now that the relationship has ended, there’s nothing else to discuss. You must both focus on yourselves and get what you can out of the breakup.
As a dumpee, you can get your independence back whereas your dumper ex can get the space he or she wanted so badly.
Your ex could string you along for a year or longer
Many dumpers lead their ex-partners on for a year or even longer.
They supply them with reconciliation hope on a regular basis and give them an idea that they can fix the relationship if they do something to impress their ex.
Such hope-providing dumpers, of course, don’t intend to come back as they’re not just taking it slow. They’re moving at their average pace and keeping their ex around because they’re bored, used to having their ex around, or afraid to be alone.
They just want what’s best for them.
So if your ex is stringing you along and it’s been months or years since you broke up, keep in mind that your ex is being selfish. He or she wants the best of both worlds—the benefits of the relationship and the freedom of a single person.
You may want to start no contact so you can avoid getting strung along and get the space you need to recover. Start with a 30-day no contact rule.
But once 30 days are up, make it into the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will allow you to stay away from your ex permanently and hopefully encourage your ex to stay away from you too.
If during no contact your ex tries to string you along, then politely tell your ex you need space and that you’ll contact your ex when or if you feel ready to talk.
So now that you’ve read this far, you should understand that the dumper can string an ex along intentionally or unintentionally. Most dumpers do it unintentionally because they don’t realize they’re giving their ex false hope and hindering their ex’s moving-on process.
Such dumpers need to be told to back off so they don’t string you along for as long as it’s convenient for them. Usually, it’s convenient for them until they meet someone new and develop a connection with that person.
Is your ex stringing you along or hurting you? What do you think about dumpers who thoughtlessly string their exes along? Share your thoughts with us below this post.
And if you’re looking for breakup coaching and want our help, sign up for a session here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
My situation is currently in somewhat of a reverse breadcrumb scenario I believe. What I mean is this.
About a month ago, I dumped my boyfriend because his repeated shitty communication (ex: inviting me to his nieces birthday party, but not telling me the time or place on the day of) skills. At first I felt accomplished and relief, but within hours the grief began to set in. Fast forward to a few days later I sent a paragraph apology text- he initially said he needed space and that he was still processing. i agreed to give him space, but later i reached out further to let him know that i was open to rebuilding our relationship. his first response to my confession was “i don’t know what to say” i took the fact that he was responsive at all to mean there was some small shred of hope for round 2.
anyway a day or two later i showed up at his job (as of today we still have each others location on) i told him all of the ways i went wrong (over emphasizing our relationship, trying to change him, not committing to trying to find solutions no matter the issue, etc) the meeting seemed amicable at least and after all he heard me out and in return he talked about his feelings and how much he felt like he sacrificed for our love. we kissed that day and i told him to let me know when he wanted to talk again.
when i didn’t hear from him for a few days- i reached out asking when did he think he’d be ready to talk. his response was that he didn’t know and that he would have to heal from the breakup before he “got back into a relationship” i told him i understood- we exchanged i love you’s and that was that.
UNTIL out of the blue later that day he shows up at my house. we talked again- and he informed me that we “can be friends” and that we would see if something more “blossoms”. i agreed since at the time i interpreted it to mean a relationship was at least somewhere in the future. i was desperate i’ll admit, because i felt so strongly that i had made a decision i would regret for the rest of my life.
Over time, we built back up regular (daily) communication. even though we’ve been talking and seeing each other regularly, the relationship seems to be somewhere i between friends and lovers (small signs of physical intimacy, saying i love you, etc). having said that i feel he has been flirty a. this all seemed to culminate recently when we hooked up for the first time since i broke up with him and he even said “i missed you”.
but since around the time we hooked up i have noticed our communication has slowed down significantly- still everyday, but it’s more like once a day texting at this point (haven’t had a facetime call in almost a week).
i made the mistake of initiating the initial contact after the break up, but after my first few pushes towards reconciliation- i have made it a point to wait for him to initiate contact. seeing as how he did continue to reach out sometimes for hours long facetime calls, i took great hope at first. but now that he’s slowed down significantly, i can’t tell if this is him slowly regaining his pride and backing out “gracefully” or if he really is seriously considering a new relationship and taking it slow?
Hi Ryan.
It doesn’t seem like he’s considering giving the relationship another chance. If he were considering it, he’d be talking to you and making sure the new relationship would be different. What he’s doing is just leaving things be. By not doing anything, he doesn’t have to hurt your feelings more and feel all alone. He wants to be friends, but since you’re not ready for that, you shouldn’t settle for it in hopes of growing it into a relationship. Tell him you’d like some space and wish him the best.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan
I read your blog few weeks now.
Your view about break up is way more different..but seem more realistic to me than others.
Literally everything what you write down in your blog…I go trough…
I don’t go details of my relationship now..but just few moments since the break up:
She gosted me first…then when I asked her to respect me and my life that much to tell me what’s going on ..If she want to break up, I walk away..
Couple of text, she victimised herself and at the end I said:
“I see no reason to hurt each other anymore, this is not that what we was once.
Wish the best for you and your family”
Two days later she started the breadcrumbs
“Are you ok?”
Shortly answer then tried to move on.
I had no sleep, I become so stressed and aggressive.
I lost my work, my accommodation and all my belongings.
For a week I blocked all my contact, find a much better job for much better money. Rented a place.
Switched on my old phone..
There was a message
“U blocked me”
I unblocked her on my every day phone.
She had a status at WhatsApp abot her baby nephew, I checked it.
Few mins later I got the message.
“Now you unblocked me 😝😂”
It made me so angry all after what happened me.
I just fowarded her the text from my solicitor, about what happened.
She texted back
“WTF..What happened ”
I said
“Every contact number was blocked not just her”
She again
“What happened”
I ignored her completely.
Few day later WhatsApp status agan, selfie..pretty make up.
I didn’t opened stayed in no contact.
Total silence on both side, no more status nothing..
I started to read your blog.
Helped me so much, started to feel better, helped me to see..even if I did mistakes, but I cant be blamed for every.
Also read what you wrote about ignoring..it left a bad taste in my mouth so from my old phone I sent a text saying:
“I owe you an apology.
No human being deserves to be ignored, no matter what.
Belive or not, hope you got the life what’s make you happy.
Be safe”
Switched off the phone and moved back in a box where it was.
Felt much better, started to read books again and your blog. Stepped in the anger stage and used that to do more with my life.
I worked 7 days a week to build money, I have no time to go to the gym now but I train at home.
Things started look promising.
A week ago I changed my profile picture to a wolf (that’s my nickname) and my about for a funny text…
That day I got a call from an unknown number, when I picked up noone answered.
2 days later she started posting status at WhatsApp. Changed them twice a day.
One of the selfie she posed like I did in the past when I sent her selfie.
She knows I don’t use any kind of social media. WhatsApp is the only platform what I use.
I didn’t opened her status none of them, but I switched on my old phone..
She marked my text what I sent with a heart and next day tried to call me…
So I sent a ? mark..
Few mins later she
“U alryt”
Waited few mins then answered
“Y I’m alryt”
Question came strait in a sec
“Where are u”
Me
Live **** work ****, but I have to go shopping now. Hope everyone ok”
Then I left the house and did my shopping. When I came back on the phone
“When you free can we have a chat”
Me
“What’s wrong..everyone is ok”
Her
“Yeah just wnt to see how’s u”
Me
“I work 7 days a week usualy
But after 6pm or 3pm at the weekends feel free to take a visit”
Then she kept asking me what I do, where I live…etc.
I told her I closed contact everyone from the past… friends, family and I started a new life where noone give me advice or tell me what or how I have to do.
Then came the question from her..
“Who I talk…”
I felt discomfort so I stepped back and closed the communication like
” Listen if u want to chat, I don’t mind.
U find me here ********* after 6pm or 3pm at the weekends.
Up to you
Got to go I have to wake up early.
Night”
Answer from her
“Ok Goodnight”
Few days now…I become so disturbed, can’t sleep.
I know she’s a very stubborn and never say what she think, or she say the opposite what she think.
At the beginning of the relationship she walked around me 6 months before she told me, she have feelings about me since she knows me.
Probably you right Zan and I try to see thing’s what’s not there..and I just ruined what I built till now…
But it don’t let me rest…
Do I handle it right to push her away..or she become herself again and can’t come out with what she want..just at the beginning.
Head shoot 🔫
Sorry for the long text.
Hi Laszlo.
You’re showing disinterest in her which is good. But what you aren’t doing is telling her she’s not welcome to reach out anymore. You’re not friends, so she needs to know you don’t want to communicate. Next time she reaches out, I suggest you ask her for space and wish her the very best.
Don’t let her keep breadcrumbing you. It’s not making things better for you. It’s only helping her deal with guilt.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you
Zan
Hey Zan,
I wonder if my ex is stringing me along. He dumped me after a 6 month relationship (that was serious, even though it was short), citing that he had lost feelings for me. I was blindsided, and terribly hurt. I went total NC. After 1.5 months, I reached back out to him, saying that I was ready for a closure talk. We met up, and he was apologetic and emotional. He told me that our relationship was the happiest one he had ever been in, and that it made him want to be a better person.
During the 1.5 months of NC, he had struggled with intense depression, loneliness, and difficulty with career. He realized that he needed to work on himself. He was happy that I had reached out, and said that he would like to keep me in his life. He said that he didn’t want to make any promises either way, but that maybe getting back together was a possibility in the future after he had done some significant work on himself. He reiterated that he still likes me as a person, and finds me attractive. We hooked up that night, and he has been texting me frequently, talking as if our breakup never happened. He seems happy and excited to be talking to me again, even though there have been no promises made in terms of whether or not we will enter back into a committed relationship.
What should I do? My feelings for him have also diminished…I realized during NC that I had put him on a pedestal, and was relying on him too much as my source of emotional happiness. I was also fantasizing about a future with him, instead of staying in the present. While I do still wonder if things could work out in the future, I am worried that I’m making a mistake by becoming FWB with him.
Any advice is appreciated!
Hi Q.
Since he made no plans to be with you, you should terminate the friendship with benefits. Currently, he’s getting what he wants and stringing you along. That needs to stop so you can recover emotionally. If he valued you romantically, he would have made an effort. His tears don’t indicate regret.
Best,
Zan
Is this post still up and running I have a situation and it’s awful
Hi C12394.
Yes, it is! Ask away.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m curious . Ask away
Thank you. This article helped me immensely. It helped me to understand the reality of the situation. Within 8 hours of reading this article I indicated to her that I couldn’t be strung along anymore and that I had to go no contact to grieve. What the future holds no one knows, but the current course I was on in the relationship was most certainly unhealthy.
Hey Zan!
Can I get some feedback on my situation?
My ex (the dumper) still views our relationship in a positive way and is open to communication with me whenever I have questions.
Our breakup was rather amicable and in the end, we broke so that we could fully restore and build up our mental health since we entered the relationship before either of us were mentally stable.
Given enough time to heal, would it be safe for me to reach out one day?
He also said ‘we never know what might happen in future/Maybe in a year we’ll see’.
I wanted to set myself a deadline for moving on. If by next year, I’ve built myself up enough, my final step was to ask to hang out and see how things are.
Is this an okay way for me to go?
Hi Zan.
I stumbled on your blog today and I’m in an interesting scenario. My ex and I were together 5 years and now have been broken up for almost 5 years. Already moved on through the 5 stages of a breakup and am just living my own life (we were living together and when we broke up, we stopped living together as well). Just over a year ago, he started reaching out to me and suggesting that we get together. I was skeptical but I relented at the last minute and met him for drinks (about 14 months ago). Then the same thing the month after that. I got busy and didn’t talk to, see or think about him for several months after that (other than the obligatory happy holidays). Then Covid hit. All of a sudden he has started contacting me again and wanting to hang out and reestablish our friendship. Still skeptical, but sometimes I do just because I’ve been trying to figure out his angle. I feel like he is on the downturn after the breakup (from the stages of a dumper standpoint) but it’s just so odd. I often ask why out of all the people on earth he chooses to contact me, but never get a straight answer. I should also say that he is in what I would consider a rebound relationship (for at least the past 2.5 years). What gives here? Is he just throwing breadcrumbs or does he possibly honestly feel remorse and regret for his jerky behavior?
Curious in Chicago
my ex left me for someone else. but when he broke up with me he didnt tell me that he was already with someone else. he just told me that he fall out of love. and for 5mos he was stringing me he didnt give me time to heal. he was with me everyday and super friendly. i was so stupid that i let him. and i found out he was already in relationship with our colleague right after we broke up. only after 5mos i found out and realize that i should stop being friend with him. i did the no contact rule. i told him i dont want to see his face and his girlfriend face. i told him we can never be friends forever and maybe i cannot forgive him forever. what he did was just too painful and he doesnt know what ive been through. pain was just too deep. after a month of no contact rule i feel the pain was reduce but the anger , jealousy and insecurity is sitll with me.. till now im still on the healing process. indefinite No contact rule does work for me..
My x left for someone else after 7 month she keep sending me her written article without saying anything at the beginning when i was blocked by her she keep sending articles to my friends now she unblocked me and sending me only this without saying anything
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your articles they have given me great insight throughout my journey of self development.
Me and my ex have been living together for a year. So when we had a fight once I told her I needed some space, she took it to hart and next thing I know she’s living her best life.
I tried talking with her as normal again but her response was that she wanted to enjoy life. She even told me that I should see other girls or even have sex with others. I asked if we couldn’t just talk out our problems and fix things, she said: “we just need some time apart, if we are meant to be we are meant to be”.
All of this while we were sleeping together Even having sex from time to time. She was still texting me everyday and I felt like “I had to be there for her” This lasted for a month until I decided to move to another room in the same house. I felt stupid for staying and clinging on to her while she clearly stated that she doesn’t want my love and affection.
We did text a little after that, she was asking me for help with the coming rent, her new job paid out a lot less and wasn’t able to pay so she asked me if she could borrow from me. (I felt weird, why ask your ex boyfriend for aid) any way.. She was shocked when I moved to the other room. Ever since that day our texts became gradually less and less. Which I liked, because deep down I knew that it was best for the both of us. I improved my self a lot, I stopped drinking, smoking, consuming sugars, going to the gym 6 days a week. Started reading everyday again. I was becoming my old self again and I loved it.
However we do still see each other on a daily basis, I saw her yesterday, we talked a bit and laughed, I jokingly said let’s have sex, to which she replied with a smile and said: I’m on my period” and then went on her way to her friend.
I feel like I shouldn’t have done that, imediatley after that I felt weak, I don’t understand why but it’s so difficult living together and being all silent,
So many articles on how great it is to still live with an ex, because you can win her back easily if ur just there, and show her that u have so much fun together, bla bla..
Do you have any advice for me, on how to keep that zero contact even while living together, or situations that I can handle better? I really appreciate your articles. They are truthful, not like the other ones that try to sell hope to me which I have fallen victim for as well in the early stages of my breakup.
All the best,
Steef
Dear Zan,
My ex who lives an hour away contacted me a month ago and asked me out to coffee, but I was unavailable and couldn’t go. We’ve had no contact since then. I will be back in his city this weekend. Should I reach out and ask if that invitation still stands?
I’m not Zan, but anyone who cant see your value upfront doesnt deserve you.
My ex broke up with me in 5 months ago, around a month ago he reached out and asked how’s my life , then keep flirting me by texts and sending me my photos . I am so confused what is his intention, but the frequency of his reply of the message is so slow, he may ignore my last message for a week. And soon tomorrow will be his birthday, so should I say Happy Birthday? I take the advice not to ignore his message when he reached out to me and I tried to keep a fun and light tone , never discuss about the break up issues.
I am struggled if I should leave him alone and not even text him a birthday message.
My ex is still stringing me along and I can’t let her go. We were together for 3 years and she left me to be with someone else.. she sits here and give me breadcrumbs and only talk to me when she’s not around. Like she blocks me all the time and only unblock me to vent ect.. I want to ignore her but its so hard. We work together..She talks about her new gf is the one and she never felt this way.. it sucks how do I let go?
Hi Sarah.
You can let your ex go by cutting her out of your life. The sooner you do this, the quicker you’ll heal.
I suggest that you stop communicating with her immediately. Your well-being depends on it.
Best,
Zan
I decided to text my ex asking if she was doing well after 3 months of no contacting her. She unblocked me but didn’t respond to my text. I’m so sadly waiting, what should I do next Zan? I break no contact.
Yours sincerely
Hi Alex.
You don’t have a choice but to go back to no contact. Your ex isn’t interested in talking to you at the moment, so let her reach out first.
In the meantime, focus strongly on improving your life. This is a very important time for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Great article Zan, and very true
It is all about the egoism of the dumper, and how important for the dumpee to regain self respect
Question here please
Does really one day this weak, far , hesitating, égoïste dumper ,regret his behavior and fall in love again with his dumper?
I mean this kind of personality who left his love one day, have a low self esteem and confidence to confess his regret and apologize and then insist to regain his loved dumpee
I think you should say it clearly Zan , we must stop hope to get ex back, sure he will leave again
Hi AS.
It’s difficult for dumpers who feel victimized to fall back in love with their dumpee. That’s what makes breakups so diffiult. There’s too much built-up negativity inside them.
As you know, this blog is all about detachment and losing hope. Moving on should be your priority.
Kind regards,
Zan
Every word resonated with my situation. I made the huuuuge mistake of getting involved with a co-worker.
He dumped me early December and since then he has been breadcrumbing me, using work related topics to get my attention, he hasn’t stopped yet and give me so much hope to just get a: ” I just want to be your friend” when I asked him what was all of his behavior about.
I declined his offer and asked him to stay away from me for my own healing. He hasn’t respected my boundaries, even get mad as I’m not seeing him as the “nice” guy he is.
Covid situation was a blessing as I was finally able to get some distance, but he keeps reaching out with more elaborated excuses to get information about my personal life.
I don’t even know if the next time “he comes around” I should just follow your advice and tell him to stop contacting me as I’m moving on.
The point is, never get involved with someone at work is painful as hell and it’s takes longer to heal.
Thanks for your article, it made me realized that I was not reading him wrong (as a dumpee we tend to overanalyze everything).
You are an amazing writer.
Hi Vic.
Your ex clearly doesn’t understand that his presence is hurting you. Due to a lack of breakup knowledge, he misunderstands your friendship refusal and gets angry at you. As stated in the article, he takes it personally.
But don’t let that discourage you from leaving him behind. You have to do what’s best for you, so do tell him to stop contacting you as soon as possible.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan! I hope you are well. I was wondering if I could please receive some advice, if possible? I describe my situation in a comment under ‘how to get revenge on your ex’ (under Alice). Some lovely users have already offered their thoughts and wise words. I would greatly appreciate any advice you can give me.
Hi Alice.
I’ll have a look at your comment soon.
Thank you for letting me know.
Kind regards,
Zan
It’s like reading our own breakup stories… just wow
Thank you for this article Zan you are gifted
Thank you, Linda.
I appreciate your kindness.
Zan
Thank you very much Zan,
You have really helped me,
I had been suffering, so confused and filled with false hope that we would get back togther. My ex dumped me and then would text me everyday and send me photos of food he cooked and his selfies. This past week I was reading your articles on breadcrumbing and the friendzone. My ex told me he found something I had left at his apartment before we broke up so as we had been talking and joking so much I thought we were in a good place and I suggested we could meet and I get my item. My ex then said it seems we both forgot what we are (broken up).
He said he was severely mentally unwell so could not focus on relationships. I was very worried and suggested he get help and maybe talk to a doctor. He got really angry at me and said he doesn’t need my sympathy or me looking down on him, that I was overacting, too much in his business and then said I must decide if I will block him or he will block me. I feel so confused and hurt. I told him I wasn’t looking down on him and he responded he doesn’t care what I think. My sister said he is being manipulative- do you think so Zan?
From reading your work I think I must just focus on myself and have more self-respect. I have been so confused one mintue he was sweet and jokey and then next he was very mean and angry and I don’t think I deserve to be treated that way, I was never mean to him.
thanks once again,
Hi Noelle.
Your ex is reflecting his mental state on you. He thinks he’s the victim, so he’s holding some kind of resentment toward you.
I don’t think he’s being manipulative. He’s just being his worst, impatient self.
You need to let your ex process the breakup and focus on yourself so that you can rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.
If you don’t leave him alone, you’ll continue to bring out the worst in him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you so much Zan,
I am really touched and grateful for your kindness and advice,
warmest regards,
Noelle
Hey Zan – Great article! Question – if a dumper portrays the dumpee in such a negative way as mentioned in your article, and strings the dumpee along for long time, when the dumpee finally moves on and finds happiness, does the dumper care?
Hi JD.
If the dumper finds happiness and relieves himself from guilt, he doesn’t care if the dumpee moves on and finds joy in life.
The dumper usually starts to care about the dumpee when things don’t go according to his plan.
Best regards,
Zan