How To Slowly Win Your Ex Back?

Most dumpees want their ex back fast. They don’t want to slowly win their ex back by giving their ex space and communicating with their ex only occasionally. Due to overwhelming pain and anxiety, they want to rush things and end up putting immense pressure on their ex.

By doing so, they overwhelm their ex with their presence and demands and make their ex want nothing to do with them. And when their ex wants nothing to do with them, they get hurt because they see that their ex is even less receptive than before and that they messed up.

As a result, they suffer an emotional setback and feel the need to be with their ex even more.

There are numerous strategies on the internet when it comes to reattracting an ex. The most common strategy is the no contact rule, which has several different approaches, followed by the “slowly win your ex back method,” which includes hanging out with your ex, “the text your ex back approach,” and the “invite your ex out method.”

There’s also the “act like the breakup never happened and quickly show your ex you can be the person he or she wants you to be method.”But this method seldom works. The same is true for the slow approaches.

Fast methods suffocate the dumper whereas slow ones allow dumpers to friendzone dumpees and make them obsessed with their ex.

Dumpees often forget that they lack control over their ex’s decisions and feelings.

They are powerless, so they can’t “win their ex back” simply by saying or doing certain things. Dumpers haven’t given them an opportunity to win and let them prove their worth, skills, and abilities. They only had one chance to prove their worth, and it was when they were still with their ex.

After the breakup, dumpers take their dumpee’s chance to prove himself or herself away from their ex. They indirectly tell their ex they aren’t happy with the relationship or rather, that they don’t like how the relationship felt.

That is when they give up on their ex completely and stop wanting to fix things. All they want from that point on is space because space tells them their ex understands their feelings and respects their decision.

If their ex keeps reaching out, asking to meet up, or even just talking about random things, they think their ex doesn’t understand what they want and that they need to push their ex away by force.

So if you’re seeking advice on how to slowly win your ex back, it’s important to remember that the term “winning” should only be used in games or gambling. Referring to your ex in this context implies that your ex is a prize to be won, which is not a healthy mindset.

It’s best to focus on improving yourself rather than trying to prove your worth to your ex, as ultimately your ex’s perception of you is out of your control and a big waste of time and effort.

No matter what you say and do, you’ll remain who you are until your ex decides to lower his or her guard and let you back in.

In this guide, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know on how to slowly win your ex back.

How to slowly win your ex back?

Keep in mind that very few dumpees have managed to slowly impress their ex to the point where their ex wanted to be with them.

Most dumpees who got back with their ex with persistence did so because their ex moved on, had fun for a while, ran into problems, failed miserably, and then came back to use their ex for security, comfort, and healing. They didn’t return just because they suddenly realized they left a great person.

There was a bigger incentive lurking in the background. One that had nothing to do with the dumpee.

Unfortunately, many of the returning dumpers left again because their ex made it way too easy for them to return and by doing so destroyed his or her self-respect (which is the basis of any relationship). They didn’t feel love because they came back easily for themselves to take from their ex.

Always remember that dumpers don’t appreciate easy things. They want a challenge and a person who is on the same or higher esteem level than them. Hence they tend not to come back (or leave again) when their ex decides to take the slow approach.

I’ve been doing this long enough to know that slowly winning your ex back is not a legitimate ex-back method. It doesn’t work because you can’t trigger your ex’s nostalgia and talk your way back into a relationship. 

Before your words and actions can have any positive effects on your ex, your ex needs to get rid of old perceptions of you and become receptive to who you are. Your ex needs to open up emotionally and enjoy and crave your presence and personality.

Once your ex likes who you are and wants you closer emotionally, things can then progress. It doesn’t matter whether you live 10 hours away or in the same house as your ex. It also doesn’t matter if you talk to your ex or not because your ex will want to talk to you on his or her own.

That means your ex will do the work you’re currently trying to do for your ex. You won’t even have to lift a finger because your ex will be afraid of losing you.

At the moment, your ex isn’t afraid of anything. He or she is relieved and happy that the breakup happened. But if you leave your ex alone and give up on trying to slowly win your ex back, your ex could eventually have an epiphany and want to connect with you again.

When that happens, you’ll be glad you didn’t pester your ex and refuse to give your ex space.

So if you want to know how to slowly win your ex back, know that there are two things wrong with this question. The first problem is the method (slowly reattracting your ex). You shouldn’t think that time in combination with friendliness will help your ex see and crave your positive traits and personality.

It will probably have the opposite effect as your ex will lose respect for you and befriend you.

As for the second problem, it’s the illusion of action – the idea that you have power and that you need to act before your ex moves on and forgets about you. In the breakup world, there is no such thing as “winning an ex back” as you’re not in a position to compete for your ex’s heart.

This is especially true if your ex is having a great time and/or is dating someone else already. Your ex just can’t slowly fall back in love with you because this isn’t the first time you met. Your ex already knows you (or thinks he/she does) and has a certain opinion of you.

This opinion (which isn’t romantic) won’t become romantic over time. There’s a blockade in your ex’s head that prevents your ex from feeling desired and attracted and giving you another chance.

When you started dating, things developed naturally. It started with attraction and infatuation and slowly advanced to love. This time, your ex isn’t attracted to you. And even if your ex is (if you’re friends with benefits), there’s emotional baggage (negative reminders and perceptions) that prevents the friendship from growing into romantic attraction.

If you were to get back together, you’d skip the early dating phase (something you’re counting on by slowly reeling your ex in). You’d go from 0 to 100 very quickly.

Not only do you already know each other and know what to expect, but you also know what you can do for each other romantically. It’s the romantic aspect your ex needs to desire to come back. Don’t think your ex will crave you that way if you communicate with your ex and gradually show your growth.

It’s much more likely that your ex will crave you if you accept the breakup, exude strength, respect yourself, and let your ex come to you. 

So as hard as it may be to read this, hold your horses and think rationally. Remember that if your ex wanted you to showcase your romantic value your ex would have asked you to do that already. Your ex would have asked you to show changes and improvements and give him or her reasons not to give up.

And your ex would have done that while you were still together, dealing with problems as a couple. 

I wish it was possible to win your ex back slowly with time, patience, and perseverance, but it just doesn’t work that way. Getting back with an ex requires much more than time. It requires your ex to reflect on his or her mistakes and decisions. And the chances of your ex doing that when feeling good are not very high.

Not after your ex has engraved the notion into his or her mind that you’re not the right person. 

To get rid of relationship-ending beliefs, something unpredictable and painful must first go wrong in your ex’s life. Something that devastates your ex. For most dumpers, this can be a new relationship or something related to mental health.

You needn’t and perhaps even mustn’t be around when your ex is having a hard time. You mustn’t let your ex rely on you because that would make you into a friend. It would basically help your ex carry on without realizing your worth.

Your ex must see that you’re no longer around and that he or she will have to deal with problems alone or without you. If those problems are too much for your ex to work through, your ex could think about you and remember you used to help with them.

That could incentivize your ex to redevelop feelings and come back.

The slow approach probably won’t do that. It won’t show your ex your worth because you’ll be too available to your ex. Instead of pondering on his or her problems and questioning his or her decision to leave, your ex will immediately reach out to you to talk about his or her problems.

Once your ex has received your help and recovered, though, your ex will carry on and feel no desire to reconnect intimately. 

Here’s why you shouldn’t try to slowly win your ex back.

Any attempt to win your ex back will be met with direct or indirect rejection. It will make you feel miserable and waste weeks or months of time that you commit to reconciling with your ex.

Always remember that your ex has to come to you, not you to your ex. Your ex has to change the way your ex thinks about you. And your ex must do that without your help or presence. As a dumpee, you don’t have the power to verbally or non-verbally make your ex want to be with you.

You lost power when your ex left you.

Besides, exes don’t respect dumpees who throw themselves at their feet. They respect and value those who love themselves and know their worth. Maybe the slow approach in your mind doesn’t include any begging and reasoning, but despite that, it’s still the wrong approach.

It’s a slow grind that puts focus on your ex rather than yourself. And that puts you at great risk of getting friend-zoned and strung along for ages.

You won’t just waste your time, but also your energy and health because you’ll pursue your ex with the expectation of fixing your ex’s problems for him or her and getting through your ex’s defenses.

As a friend, you need to know you won’t get through anything. If your ex notices you’re getting too close for comfort, your ex will increase the physical and/or emotional distance and directly or indirectly reject you again. That will put you back to square one and make you feel ridiculous for thinking you could slowly win your ex back.

So if you’re still wondering how to slowly win your ex back, I encourage you to stop considering this method as the slow approach won’t give you the result you crave.

It will probably just:

• overwhelm your ex
• friend-zone you
• make you think you’re getting close and give you hope
• and destroy your hope when your ex meets someone else or pushes you away

I get that you’re patient and willing to wait as long as it takes to get back with your ex. Heck, you’re probably even okay with your ex dating someone else and coming back to you afterward. The emotions you feel for your ex are more intense than you’d ever felt.

Now that your ex left, you feel more determined than ever to make the relationship work. You’re prepared to throw away your dignity and swallow your pride just to get another chance with your ex.

But since you’re willing to do anything to present yourself as a worthy individual, you should also consider giving other methods a try. There are better methods for you to choose from that don’t keep you obsessed with your ex. They don’t guarantee that your ex will want you back, but neither does the so-called slow approach.

All the slow approach does is give you a false sense of control as it makes you think that you’re making progress.

In reality, you’re not making any progress at all. You’re just seeing your ex get a bit more comfortable with being your friend. That doesn’t mean your ex will come back but that your ex will keep you in his or her life for other (non-romantic) purposes.

If you don’t want to get strung along, you should avoid the slow approach more than anything and choose some other method.

What should you do instead of trying to win your ex back slowly?

Perhaps an even slowest, but much more successful approach is the no contact rule. I’m not talking about just any no contact rule. 30-day no contact rule or any no contact method with pre-set number of days is not enough to reattract your ex.

That’s because such approaches make you initiate conversations and bonding. Just like the slow approach, they make you think you’re responsible for fixing things, impressing your ex, and getting back together.

I know it feels like you’re responsible, but that’s because you’re the dumpee.

You got rejected, your self-esteem crushed, and developed an obsession with your ex—and now feel like you have no choice but to entertain your ex and receive validation. Your only option now is to realize where your obsessive thoughts and cravings come from and avoid degrading yourself and showing your ex you’re willing to do anything to be together.

If you didn’t break up and put this much effort into the relationship, your ex (or rather your partner) would appreciate your efforts and feel closer to you. But now that you’re exes, your ex doesn’t want you to show you’re ready to work on things.

Your ex wants you to accept the breakup and give him or her space. 

So don’t fall for 30, 60, or 90-day no contact rules. Such rules give you nothing but false hope and feelings of being able to control your ex’s thoughts and feelings.

Instead of putting a time on when it’s acceptable for you to reach out and guide your ex back into the relationship, go indefinite no contact. This type of no contact ends only when you’re over your ex, when you don’t want your ex back, or when your ex comes back.

The indefinite no contact rule is the safest and most successful ex-back approach because it depicts high self-esteem, allows you to detach from your ex, and lets your ex reach out when he or she is ready to talk. Your ex could, of course, reach out just to breadcrumb you (talk about unimportant things), but at least your ex will talk to you because he/she wants to talk to you rather than because you want to.

You’ll then have to ask your ex not to communicate with you, but that’s a topic for another time.

What if I still want to know how to slowly win my ex back?

If you insist on taking the slow approach with your ex, know that you could wait a long time for your ex to come back. Your ex might also never come back because your ex could friend-zone you or get annoyed by your expectations, emotions, and behavior.

If you’re prepared to take the risk anyway, be your ex’s friend. Talk to your ex like nothing happened and avoid talking about the relationship and the breakup. Act like you’ve accepted the breakup and gotten over your ex.

Also, figure out what kind of friendship your ex wants. If your ex doesn’t want to see you in person, don’t invite your ex out and agree to friendship with the intention of weaseling back into your ex’s heart.

Instead of constantly asking for things, take things super slow by waiting for your ex to want to see you. When your ex wants to see you in person, your ex will invite you out. If you live in the same house, your ex will do errands, walks, and other expectationless things with you.

He or she will think of you as a friend and try to stay your friend.

Keep in mind that your ex will probably go on dates with other people soon. Most dumpers do because they don’t say no to new romantic and sexual opportunities. So when/if your ex meets someone else, avoid becoming jealous and asking your ex questions that don’t concern you.

Your ex needs to see you’re okay with being friends and that you’ve moved on.

If things go wrong in your ex’s life and your ex learns to value you the hard way (through pain), your ex could reflect and come back. But the chance of that happening is much smaller than if you pulled away and retained your worth and became mysterious. 

I hope you now see that there’s no point in knowing how to slowly win your ex back. The slow approach will make you suffer for weeks or months until you get a bit used to your ex having no feelings for you and not giving you enough attention and affection.

Always remember that you’ll recover many times faster if you keep your ex out of sight and learn to live without your ex.  

Did you learn how you can slowly win your ex back without actually trying to win your ex back? Let us know what you think in the comments below.

However, if you wish to confide in us alone and want our take on your relationship or breakup, sign up for coaching with us.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.