Dumpees are emotional, so they often think they can make their ex feel how they feel by sending him an emotional message. Little do they know that their ex is incapable of feeling emotional because of them and that any attempts to do so will backfire big time.
It will make their ex feel suffocated, overwhelmed, guilt-tripped, and stuck in a situation he doesn’t want to be in.
Those who send an emotional message to their ex soon find out that pouring their heart out after the breakup is one of the biggest breakup mistakes they could make.
Not only do emotional texts and calls make their ex feel extremely uncomfortable, but they also portray dumpees as desperate ex-partners who project their anxiety and unrequited love onto the person who didn’t ask for it.
Post-breakup emotional texts, letters, and emails haven’t brought any exes closer. They have only increased the emotional distance between them and made dumpers run for the hills.
That’s why you need to be careful about sending your ex-boyfriend an emotional message. You need to keep in mind that as badly as you want your ex to reciprocate your feelings, your ex isn’t emotionally ready for such messages.
Your ex isn’t receptive to them because your ex left you due to the inability and unwillingness to reciprocate your emotions and expectations.
If you tell your ex how badly you miss him and that you’re truly thankful for everything he did for you, you’ll put him in a tight spot because the guy doesn’t want unnecessary praise and attention.
He wants emotional messages from his new/potential partner, not his ex-partner. Ex-partners overwhelm him whereas new partners actually make him feel good.
So if you’re thinking about sending an emotional message to your ex-boyfriend, know that you want to do that for yourself, not him. You want the guy to feel your love and adoration and respond in a similar fashion.
If you truly cared about him, you wouldn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. You’d send unemotional messages (messages that don’t evoke any pressuring emotions) or no message at all.
If he’s not reaching out to you and communicating with you, the latter is better. You don’t want to talk to him when he’s still processing the breakup and enjoying his freedom.
Dumpers need lots of space and time to focus on themselves. If you bother them and try to make them feel certain emotions, you’ll leave them with no choice but to think you’re starving for attention and that you don’t know when to quit.
Perceptions like that could make the guy ignore you, block you, or respond angrily.
If you don’t want him to reject you with an angry/disinterested tone, I suggest you don’t send your ex-boyfriend an emotional message. Don’t send him anything at all because as long as he’s your ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t want nor deserve your attention, gratitude, praise, and love.
He needs to see you’ve stopped thinking about him and reaching out. That’s the only way he’ll respect you, get curious, and wonder about you.
Therefore, even though your heart tells you to send him emotional messages, I strongly encourage you to refrain from doing so. Remind yourself that your feelings are deceiving you and that sending your ex messages he isn’t ready for will ruin his respect, feelings, curiosity, and any desire to be with you.
Guys especially despise emotional messages. They don’t know how to handle them because it’s not in their nature to be so emotional. They are rational people who expect to be left alone after the breakup. Space lets them self-prioritize whereas emotional communication pressures them and makes them feel angry and annoyed.
I know there are a ton of websites suggesting you should send an emotional message to your ex. Heck, some of them even have hundreds of messages prepared for you to copy and send to your ex. But what the owners of those sites don’t know or care about is that their messages make you look extremely anxious, needy, and desperate.
They achieve the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve, which is to look confident, attractive, mature, and emotionally independent. You’re trying to reattract your ex, right, not scare your ex away and brand yourself as someone who wouldn’t take the hint that the relationship has ended.
If you want the best for yourself as well as your ex-boyfriend, don’t do anything rash. Don’t send him gifts, love letters, texts, or anything he doesn’t expect or ask for. The guy broke up with you for a reason, which is to avoid feeling pressured and bad for not wanting to reciprocate your actions and emotions.
If you ignore his lack of interest and try to force the relationship, you’ll see how he responds to exes who don’t respect his decisions and feelings.
In today’s post, we talk about the emotional messages you wish to send your ex-boyfriend to impress him and get back together with him. We explain why sending emotion-evoking messages is a bad idea and what you should do to stop the urge to reach out.
Why is it wrong to send your ex-boyfriend an emotional message?
It’s wrong to send an emotional message to your ex-boyfriend because your ex didn’t ask for it and doesn’t want it. Your ex is a dumper, which means that he’s going through completely different post-breakup stages than you.
Your ex feels relieved and elated while you feel anxious, rejected, and desperate for love and connection. If you act on your desperation and try to stop your ex from feeling elated and free, your ex won’t like it one bit. He’ll think you’re being pushy and that you only care about yourself and your feelings.
That will significantly lower his respect for you and empower your ex in ways no person should ever feel empowered. It will essentially make your ex more determined about the breakup and less interested in conversing and bonding with you.
Whatever you do, don’t think that your ex is an exception to what I just said and that you’ll be able to somehow melt your ex’s heart and encourage him to come back.
If reconciliations were that easy, most dumpees would get their ex back. They would beg and plead with their ex for a while and promise to do better next time. That would make their ex regret leaving them because begging is an extremely emotional/desperate gesture.
But sadly, begging and various emotional gestures don’t accomplish what you want them to. They only suffocate dumpers and push them further away. They make dumpers see that their ex doesn’t respect them and himself and that they’re welcome to treat their ex no better than he treats himself.
The reason emotional gestures don’t work is that they happen on dumpees’ terms while dumpers are emotionally detached and done with the relationship. They have no more romantic feelings and desire to see their ex differently because they’re convinced they already know their ex’s personality and capabilities.
If their ex tries to change their opinion and bring back their feelings, he immediately shows that he disagrees with their judgment, decisions, and opinions. And how do people who lost respect react to that?
Many times, they lose their cool and say or do something hurtful.
This can be anything from saying mean things to blocking the dumpee and demonstrating that love is gone and that it’s unrecoverable.
So if you feel tempted to send an emotional message to your ex-boyfriend and think things can’t get any worse than they already are, bear in mind that they can and they will.
If you don’t respect your ex’s need to self-prioritize and instead continue to demand emotional reciprocation, it’s only a matter of time before your ex gets tired of being patient with you and stops holding back.
Eventually, your ex will explode, ignore you, or do something you don’t want and aren’t ready for him to do. That will be your punishment for wanting your ex to feel emotional and do what you want him to do.
Always remember that your ex has fallen out of love and that you can’t make your ex fall back in love with you by force. You especially can’t make your ex love you by loving your ex. Unsolicited love makes things worse because it makes dumpers feel uncomfortable and brings a negative reaction out of them.
You should keep that in mind and do your best to control your emotions. Tell yourself there will be negative consequences if you reach out and unwantedly overwhelm your ex with anxiety and expectations.
Maybe your ex is mature and won’t respond in the worst way possible, but your ex will still feel pressured and unsafe.
Every time you do something that makes it difficult for your ex to converse with you, you unintentionally make yourself look bad and decrease the chances of your ex speaking to you of his own accord and being with you.
Emotional messages just don’t create the kind of results you want them to create. They don’t show you’re a good dating option and that your ex should get back with you before you move on and make someone else happy.
On the contrary, they guilt-trip your ex and make your ex glad things are finally over.
I need you to understand this so you don’t follow your heart on this. The breakup may tell you to pull off some big romantic gesture and impress your ex, but you need to remember that you can’t impress your ex when your ex is in an unimpressable state.
If you ignore my warning and try, you’ll smother your ex and suffer immensely when you learn that your ex doesn’t care about your emotional efforts and needs. You’ll suffer a huge emotional setback and need much longer to recover.
That’s why you shouldn’t send your ex-boyfriend any emotional messages. You shouldn’t tell him you think about him, love him, and still want him back. Your ex mustn’t know you’re hung up on him and trying to get back together.
If your ex knows this, your ex will push you away or use you for emotional support, friendship, or forgiveness. That will make you feel unimportant and even hungrier for your ex’s love and recognition.
So no matter how eager you are to communicate with your ex and profess your feelings to him, remind yourself that you can’t win your ex back with nice messages. It’s impossible because your ex needs to first get rid of negative perceptions of you and stop feeling unwanted emotions.
Not only that, but your ex must also find reasons to fall back in love with you. Your texts and calls aren’t good enough. Your ex needs a strong negative emotional incentive caused by something unpredictable and difficult to deal with.
When or if your ex finds a good reason to be with you, your ex will come to you and show you he’s ready to work on the relationship with you.
In the meantime, convince yourself that your ex isn’t secretly waiting to be impressed and wooed back and that he’s enjoying the moment and moving on. It’s something every dumper does and needs to do after exiting a serious romantic relationship.
Self-focus allows the dumper to distance himself from relationship obligations and guilt and helps him process the separation in ways he needs to process it.
As long as he doesn’t get reminded about how you feel and what you want, he can be free and happy and not think worse of you.
I know that the breakup makes you feel anxious and unhappy and that you want to talk about relationship problems with your ex, but this won’t happen while your ex feels smothered by you. Your ex is currently not capable of accepting your love and returning it.
He’s emotionally exhausted from the end of the relationship and needs to stop feeling obligated to help you and be with you.
To help your ex with that, let your ex rest by starting no contact or staying in no contact if you’ve already started it. Show him you accept the breakup, respect his decision, understand his lack of feelings, and want the best for him even if he doesn’t want to be with you.
Leaving your ex alone will make him feel way better emotions than if you pester him with emotional messages and expectations. It will make him respect you or at the very least not hate you and show you how little you mean to him.
So remember that the guy doesn’t want reminders that you’re hurting and not willing to move on. He wants to avoid feeling guilty and thinking he’s responsible for helping you get through the breakup.
Now that you’re exes, he expects you to deal with your problems on your own.
Therefore, steer clear of emotional messages that intend to magically fix your ex’s emotional blockades and make your ex feel love for you again. Magical messages don’t exist because your ex needs to first fail in some important way, reflect deeply, notice his mistakes, and redevelop feelings for you.
Here’s why you shouldn’t send an emotional message to your ex-boyfriend.
If you think about it, you’re trying to skip to the last stage and make your ex desire you right away. That’s not going to happen because unhappiness makes your ex associate certain thoughts and feelings with you.
Those thoughts and feelings can only be disassociated deliberately with an incentive (pain and failure) and effort. Don’t assume you can make the job easier for your ex just by emotionally investing in your ex.
You’re no longer a couple, so any attempt at changing your ex’s mind will only make you look persistent, weak, and unattractive.
That being said, here are some examples of emotional messages you should never send text your ex-boyfriend:
- I miss you so much, you’re my everything
- I can’t stop thinking about you
- I want to hug you tight and show you how much you mean to me
- Life is not the same without you
- I’m extremely grateful for your love and everything you did for me
- I wish you’d give me a chance to prove myself to you
- I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness and love
- Let me know what I can do to win you back
Emotional messages, quotes, and anything that intends to impress your ex will do more damage than good. You need to resist the temptation to contact your ex out of respect for your ex and yourself.
What can I do instead of sending an emotional message to my ex-boyfriend?
Instead of overwhelming your ex-boyfriend with emotional messages and paragraphs, remind yourself that talking to your ex about the relationship, breakup, feelings, regrets, and expectations will destroy your ex’s interest, curiosity, and doubts about the breakup.
It will make your ex run away faster than greased lightning and leave you confused and anxious because you’ll see that you’ve pushed your ex away and made it harder for him to appreciate you.
When you feel this constant drive to woo your ex back with emotions of love, attachment, and devotion, remember that your ex will hate it and feel tempted to respond angrily with disapproval. That should be enough to stay away from your ex.
If it’s not, take a pen and paper and write down everything you want to say to your ex. Go all out and prepare it for your ex to read. That will probably help you feel better as you’ll get the things you’ve been wanting to say off your chest.
But before you actually send the letter, throw it away. Discard it, shred it, burn it, or do anything you want with it. Just don’t send it to your ex or people your ex associates with. Your ex can’t know how you feel and what’s on your mind.
He needs to be kept in the dark about your post-breakup emotions and cravings. That’s the only way he’ll respect you and get curious about you.
So instead of telling or showing your ex how you feel, find a way to deal with your compulsion to reach out. Put your feelings down on paper, think about the consequences of professing feelings to an ex, and talk to friends or a therapist.
It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you don’t rely on your ex for healing and self-love. Detachment is something you have to achieve without your ex’s help.
To sum up, forget about sending your ex-boyfriend emotional messages and figure out how to deal with your urges. Once you’ve figured it out, you’ll see that your ex doesn’t want your messages and that you’re much happier when you stay busy and keep your mind off your ex.
I hope you’ve learned why sending your ex emotional messages is a waste of time and energy and why you need to focus on yourself and those who value you. Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.
Lastly, if you’re looking for someone to confide in and want our help analyzing the breakup and making plans, click here to sign up for our coaching program.
Hi Zan, this was me. I left an emotional message for my boyfriend.
My boyfriend of 2 years left me on read and blocked me on all social media suddenly last Friday. We weren’t arguing. In fact, we had been having a deep, almost soul-bearing conversation over text. He had left my place suddenly one night just a few days before he blocked me, and after telling me things such as, “I love you but I don’t know if I’ll ever feel happy again”, “I think we lost our romantic and sexual connection and I don’t see how we’d get it back”, and “I’m tired of feeling bad all the time, I feel distant from my friends and family.” I tried to discuss taking a break, couple’s therapy, and anything we could to make things work. I even asked him if he wanted us to separate, and all he could say each time is “I don’t know”. I told him I would like for us to work things out, that I loved him dearly and that we could be okay, but he was scared, I think. The last thing he said before he blocked me everywhere was if I knew what his answer would be to the all encompassing question (are we done or can we work this out?). After I told him I thought he was leaning towards ending things for good but I hoped I was wrong, that I thought we could be okay if we both wanted to be okay, he blocked me. I made a mistake and posted about it on Facebook (I didn’t bad mouth him, just said he had blocked me, that I hope this was what helped him find happiness, and that despite everything I still cared for him as a person) before taking it down the next day. I didn’t bad mouth him at work (we work in the same place) although I didn’t lie when people asked me what happened, and I texted his mother to let him know he’d need to come get his things the next week (I knew he was staying with her during this time, and her and I had a good relationship). I packed up everything nicely for him. We lived together at that point so there was a lot. I didn’t try to reach out to him during this time, but it’s not like I could, seeing as how I was blocked everywhere. But I can take a hint.
He came with his mother to get his things and seemed genuinely surprised I had taken the time to pack things up for him. Everyone kept telling me to toss his things on the front porch, but I just couldn’t do that. I still cared deeply for him, even if he did hurt me. He stayed polite and kind about everything, even thanking me for packing up his things nicely and expressing worry over him taking the couch and me having nowhere to sit. It wasn’t until I asked to talk to him for five minutes towards the end that he became defensive, dismissal, and almost angry. I handed him a letter I wrote before saying goodbye that said I didn’t hate him (he was always worried I would end up hating him), that I genuinely hope he finds who or what he’s looking for, and that he finds peace and happiness again. I said I have learned that love and hope isn’t enough to always save a relationship, and that I was letting him go, and wouldn’t try to chase him or cling onto him as that was not what he wanted anymore. I returned his apartment key, a ring he bought me in France that I wore everyday, and some photos of us from my scrapbook that I hoped he could look upon fondly one day. I told him that this would be the last time I would try and contact him until he was ready to speak, if that day ever came, and that I would respect his space at work if we ran into each other. I wished him well, told him I loved him, and signed my name. Was I trying to guilt him? No. Was this letter an emotional response? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I felt like I had to make my own closure, and let him know that I would respect his decision and leave him be. I don’t know if he’ll ever read it, or how he feels about it if he did, but I do know that it’s out of my hands either way and I said what I needed to say in order to mourn the relationship and move on.
Hi Sarah.
The emotional letter was for you, not him. The guy didn’t want to read it as he arleady felt pressured and uncomfortable by you. The breakup made him crave space and independence, so he expected to be respected. Next time you feel the need to let him know how you feel, share your thoughts on the blog or sign up for therapy. There are better ways to get things off your chest and be heard.
Your ex gave you a bunch of excuses for leaving and showed no interest in working things out. For that reason, he doesn’t deserve any explanations and adoration from you. He needs to be left completely alone.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My boyfriend of 1 year finally admitted (after seeing him out socially) the reason for him being distant, pulling back, making excuses to meet etc – he got back with his ex girlfriend.
Although I had stated detaching for the previous month (NC) as I knew something was off, had enough and decided to move on, this has really hurt me.
He said they have ‘unresolved’ issues. It wasn’t appropriate to continue the conversation there, but I thought he’d contact me afterwards. He hasn’t and it’s been over a week.
Do you think he was trying to fade away, or keeping me as an option?
I don’t want to contact him, but our relationship has been left in limbo. Or am I to assume it’s done? Not sure I could evervtrust him and feel disrespected.
If I hadn’t insisted for him to be honest, I’d still be in the dark. If I’d had the slightest hint he was still attached to an ex, I would never have gotten involved with him, but having feelings for him makes it difficult.
I’d like to know why he didn’t finish our r’ship, if he wasn’t happy, or wanted to get back with her….or at least speak to me!
I’m feeling stronger, but still confused. I
also known that it can take time for me to get over someone and prefer to heal Clarity tends to support my understanding and perspective. For the most part our r’ship was good, with connection and attraction.
I feel sad, disappointed and somewhat confused. Please help!
J
Hi J.
He was trying to slowly fade away as he was focusing on his connection with his ex. You should assume the relationship has ended. If he had feelings for you, he would have shown them to you. He didn’t finish things with you properly because he’s a coward and is afraid of being confronted about his cheating behavior.
He knows he messed up badly. But he doesn’t care because he feels infatuated and validated by his ex.
Sincerely,
Zan
Exactly one month into no contact on this day, before that I spent almost an entire week doing all kinds of misstakes including writing paragraphs to her. I sort of regret doing it and sort of not. 40-50% of it was rational where I told her I understand where we went wrong and that I intend on working on myself, and also explaining parts of my history and personality I never told her before because I wanted her to understand why I act the way I do. The rest of it was just emotional cringe.
I don’t know if it means anything to her or if it will ever mean anything to her but I just felt the need to clear the air and I think that is part of why no contact was so easy for me to start.
As I said, one month into it now. The weeks since the break up and the weeks since I found out she was with someone else have been soooo slow, but I’m getting stronger. At the start I was in so much agony and panic I actually quit my vacation just to go back to work and occupy my mind.
Now I can actually be at home by myself and enjoy. I still get moments when I get in the breakup blues and sometimes dream of her and wake up depressed and stressed when I think of her and her new partner.
I did so many misstakes, both during and after the relationship and I know no contact is the right thing now.
Everyday I let go of hope more and more, even though I still want us to find our way back together. And if there is a slim chance of it then NC is the only way.
However I do my best to tell myself every day that I need to do NC for my own wellbeing first and foremost, and that there is no guarantee we will get back together, I need to find peace and acceptance in whatever the outcome may be, and that how sad and stupid it was the break up still had to occur for me to learn and improve on my shortcomings.
This knowledge came at a heavy price and either I will get the chance to do right by her in the future or I will take this experience with me somewhere else.
Hi Gordon.
It’s okay if you’ve made some mistakes. At least you’ve learned that no begging and rationalizing will make your ex come back. You probably won’t do that ever again.
Your ex most likely monkey-branched. You found out she was in a new relationship a month later, which means she probably met him a long time ago – when you were still together. Use this time to work on yourself and become the person you want to be.
Hang in there, Gordon.
Sincerely,
Zan
I have send one emotional message to my ex and you told me that I don’t need to do it Zan!
And I didn’t realize that will make him feel suffocated, overwhelmed, guilt-tripped, and stuck in a situation he doesn’t want to be in.
But it’s okay now I learned that ❤️
I’m glad you refrained from texting him, Linda.
You saved face and allowed yourself to heal quicker.
Best regards,
Zan
I made the mistake of sending a heartfelt letter by email to my ex about a month after she monkey branched and left me after living with me for the better part of 10 years. I actually posted that letter in another post on this site. This was at the end of June and as far as I know a month later the letter has never been read because I may have received some response. Since then she contacted me a few times roughly 3 weeks ago saying she wanted to talk but could not “at the moment”. I got 4 more such texts but no call. I have since gone full no contact finally after 6+ weeks of trying to reason with her and being ghosted. She has also stopped texting me and still no call. She was my entire world for 10 years and the pain that still endures is off the charts but better of late. I have come to realize that it might be having someone here every night, someone to provide for and take care of, and having someone in my life may be what I miss more than the person. I’m really not sure. I do know that I think about her constantly every single day with both loving thoughts and hate for what she did to me. I have no intention of breaking no contact again unless she contacts me and makes an effort to talk and provide closure which I never got. The monkey branching and ghosting after she hastily left me has left me an emotional mess and sent me to the ER once and into therapy as well but she would not know or probably care about that. Nobody knows where she is although it is in the area or what she is doing or who she is doing it with. She has stopped paying her bills which I do know, and is no longer working which is the reason I got for our lack of time together for the last 4 months we were together. These articles do help and I appreciate them. Wishing someone ill is never a good thing but I am hoping karma catches up with her. I am the second man she has done this to after a 10+ year relationship. The first of which was her marriage.
Hi Tony.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through such a challenging and emotional time. Breaking up afer 10 years is not easy. You reached out to her because you wanted closure and healing. But instead of receiving a positive response, you got ignored and found out that she lost respect for you and didn’t care about you pain.
Karma will get her Tony. Maybe not in the next few months, but eventually, she’ll have to face the consequences of her actions.
Stay strong!
Zan
I actually cringe now as I re-read the emotional emails I sent immediately following our breakup 18 months ago, having been together for 23 years. I even put my telephone number in one of them! As if he doesn’t know it! 😂
As your own emotions as the dumpee begin to settle down, you will begin to not only feel so much better and ok, but more importantly, rediscover your worth.
We make our dumpers out to be God’s Gift to men/women, but the truth soon starts to reveal itself. They are not worthy of you, your time or your love and affection.
Love yourself and those worthy of your love, friends and family. You are a very special person 😊
Hi Beverley.
I’m super happy to hear you’re doing so much better. Yes, you acted a bit desperate post-breakup, but you soon realized your ex wasn’t going to come back and that you needed to stop. None of that matters anymore as you’ve detached and learned not to make the same mistakes the next time you get broken up with
Sincerely,
Zan
So what if you send an angry message? An emotional message? What do you do after…
It was an anger message, he hurt me so much. He did things that actively harmed me. He promised everything then left. I understand no contact and am usually such a calm person. But my emotions and rage took over. I’d be stunned if he ever got back in touch. I’ll stay in no contact forever now. He did say how wonderful and lovely I was to him. But he knows he hurt me too much. What do you think Zan?
Hi Jenny.
Don’t do anything. Stay in no contact and perhaps your ex’s opinion of you will change with time. Emotions got the best of you, but you now know how to act and what mistakes to avoid. While you’re detaching, focus on your ex’s negative traits and you’ll pull through this.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
It’s so kind of you to reply. I will not do anything, thank you. On WhatsApp, he’s left my last angry messages on ‘unread’ and hasn’t replied in over a week. I feel so stupid. I usually remain dignified and silent. Anyway I expect never to hear from him again. I go from feeling disgust with him to missing him. What a rollercoaster! I have so much good success in my life. This is the only thing bringing me down.
Hi Jenny.
As long as other areas of your life are good, you’ll pull through this. Have faith in yourself and you’ll be okay!
Sincerely,
Zan