If you’re wondering, “Will I ever hear from my ex again,” I may have some good news for you. I’ve done a little bit of research and talked to some dumpees to understand how long it took their exes to reach out.
I also spoke to dumpers, browsed through several forums, and conversed with dumpees from all over the world to provide you with the most accurate information I possibly can.
In my research, I excluded cases where ex-partners live or work together or are forced to break no contact.
I also excluded cases where dumpers needed to collect their belongings or had other unfinished business with dumpees such as kids. I wanted this research to be about non-complicated breakups and be as accurate as possible.
To my astonishment, it didn’t take extremely long for most dumpers to reach out. Many dumpers found reasons to get back in touch with their dumpee relatively soon after the breakup and would then continue to breadcrumb their ex afterward.
They just weren’t ready to cut their ex out of their lives completely.
So if you’re worried that you’ll never hear from your ex again, try not to be. Your ex reaching out doesn’t even indicate that your ex wants you back. It usually means that the dumper is curious about the dumpee and that he or she wants to see how the dumpee thinks and feels during no contact.
To you, the reach out will most likely give you false hope and a lot of anxiety. It will disturb your healing and cause you more damage than any other insult or threat any other person has ever caused.
The topic of this post is, “Will I hear from my ex again?” We’ll analyze the results from the survey and try to figure out what that means for you.
How long does it usually take dumpers to reach out?
The time it takes exes to reach out varies for each individual. It takes some dumpees days or weeks and others months or years. Some dumpers also never break no contact. They stay in it and focus on moving forward with their lives.
Such dumpers tend to resent their exes, have a strict no contact policy, or aren’t capable of seeing their exes in a better light. All they can do is blame their exes for their actions and feelings and ignore the need to self-reflect and improve themselves.
But fortunately, not many dumpers completely destroy their exes’ value in their eyes. Most dumpers cool off after a while and become curious about their exes. That’s why they send their exes breadcrumbs and talk about unimportant things dumpees couldn’t care less about.
If your ex never reaches out (not even years later), you need to know that this isn’t such a bad thing. You should consider it a blessing in disguise and be thankful to your ex for not confusing you and disturbing your healing.
Your ex let you heal and detach and gave you a golden opportunity to learn and improve from the breakup.
Unlike most dumpees who torture themselves with “what ifs,” you were able to let go of hope quicker than most dumpees and found happiness within yourself. If you ask me, that’s priceless because nothing is more important than your health and well-being.
Anyway, many dumpees worry they’ll never hear from their ex again. They’re scared their ex will find someone else and that they’ll stay miserable forever. If this is what you’re thinking, you need to stop. It’s not helping you improve your self-esteem and become a better person at all.
All it’s doing is putting you down, giving you anxiety, and making you think your ex will find eternal happiness without you.
Let’s now have a look at the data I gathered.
As you can see from the chart above, the chart consists of 108 dumpers. Dumpers are of different ages and genders and had unique relationships. That’s why it took some dumpers longer than others to reach out.
Human beings are different by nature and go through different post-breakup experiences, so it’s impossible to predict when they’ll reach out and what they’ll reach out for. All we can do is generalize.
One of the most interesting things I’ve discovered is that many dumpers (14.8%) contacted their dumpees before the end of the first month. I’m not sure how their conversations went, but some probably had a fakeup and ended up back together shortly after getting back in touch.
Others likely just checked up on their exes and then went back to no contact when they assuaged their guilt.
After the first month of a breakup, the chances of exes reaching out decreased by a staggering 50%, dropping down to 6.48% per month.
This indicates that dumpers weren’t very eager to converse. They probably processed unhealthy emotions such as guilt and shame and found it easier to focus on themselves and not worry about their exes.
The average time it takes dumpers to reach out to their exes
According to the results from the survey, dumpees’ chances of hearing from their exes were the highest in the first half of the year after the breakup. Dumpees were still on dumpers’ minds a lot at that time, so dumpers reached out to discuss something they wanted or needed to discuss.
After the 6th month mark, however, the number of dumpers reaching out decreased significantly. The percentage fluctuated at around 3.3% per month until the “years later” mark. That’s when more dumpers started reaching out.
Some offered friendship and some asked to get back together because they failed to connect with other people.
If we take into consideration only the first 12 months after the breakup, a total of 86 dumpers broke no contact and contacted their exes after 7.16 months on average.
This means that based on these statistics alone, you’re most likely going to hear from your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend in the first 6 months. Your ex could contact you when he or she processes the breakup a bit more and sees that it’s safe to reach out and talk to you again.
If you don’t hear from your ex in the first 6 months, however, then your ex hasn’t found a reason to reach out yet. He or she could still be resentful, happy in the new relationship, or not convinced that talking to you is a good idea.
You need to give your ex more time and continue to focus on yourself.
What are the chances my ex will reach out?
Dumpees are terrified of never hearing from their ex again. The thought of being abandoned and forgotten hurts them so much that they often look for signs their ex still loves them and signs their ex will eventually come back.
They don’t want to accept that their ex may be over them and that they might have to let go of hope and find happiness without their ex.
If it’s been months since the breakup and you still haven’t heard from your ex, don’t panic and contact your ex first. Bear in mind that it’s normal for dumpers to stay away from dumpees for months. Heck, it’s normal for them to stay away for a year or even longer.
The end of a relationship triggers a lot of unhealthy emotions inside dumpers.
It makes them so angry or disappointed that they burn out emotionally and destroy their ability to want to contact their exes and talk about something. It becomes safer and better for them not to risk getting back in touch with their exes.
Especially if dumpees begged and pleaded with them for another chance or took revenge on them. Such behaviors often make dumpers associate unhealthy associations with their exes and lose all respect and interest.
The only two things that can make them want to talk with their exes again are time and self-reflecting experiences.
According to my research, 9.26% of dumpees never heard back from their dumper ex. This means that the chances of your ex reaching out are 90.7%.
If you ask me, 90.7% is pretty good! Don’t let your anxiety get the best of you while you’re “waiting” to hear from your ex.
Expecting quick results or hoping that your ex reaches out by a certain date is only going to prolong your pain and suffering. It’s going to make you stay dependent on your ex and give your ex the ability to control your feelings.
Another thing we need to mention is that sometimes dumpers contact their exes and get back together with them even after 30 years or longer. Yes, 30 years is a long time, but that proves that some exes reappear many years later and that the number of exes reaching out in the future is even bigger than the survey shows.
But let’s just focus on the few years’ timeline because you won’t care much about your ex if you don’t hear from your ex after 5 years or more. You’ll have found your peace and probably someone else to date.
The odds are in your favor!
To round it up, we can say that every 10th person is never going to hear from their ex again.
Understanding your chances of hearing from your ex will probably make you feel good, but try not to hold on to hope too much. Hope is going to make detachment much more difficult than it needs to be. It’s going to keep you looking over your shoulder and give you unnecessary anxiety.
If you can, it’s much healthier for you to accept that you might never hear from your ex and that it’s okay. That kind of thinking will prepare you for the worst whereas expecting to hear from your ex will make you dependent on your ex’s outreach.
So allow only as much hope into your system as it’s healthy and needed for your healing. When you’re coping well and don’t need hope, however, try to get rid of hope by telling yourself that it doesn’t matter if your ex reaches out.
Your life will go on whether you hear from your ex or not. Just give yourself some time to detach and you’ll see you don’t need your ex in your life to be happy.
Will I hear from my ex again in the future if I begged and pleaded?
It goes without saying that post-breakup mistakes push the dumper away and delay the time it takes him or her to grow respect for you and reach out.
Depending on how long you begged and how insecure you appeared, your ex will need some time to recover. He or she will need to focus on enjoying the space the breakup provides and worry only about his or her wants and needs.
That’s how your ex might be able to disassociate stress, contempt, and anger from your persona and feel a bit better about reaching out.
Although I can’t speculate how much begging for love and attention is too much, you need to know that a lot of begging can reduce your value tremendously, overwhelm your ex emotionally, and make your ex not want to speak with you again.
Some negative emotions can be too difficult to disassociate from you even years after the breakup, so do your best to avoid hurting your ex and making yourself look bad. You need to invest in yourself rather than your ex and wait for your ex to forget about your behavior and find reasons to contact you.
That could take time, of course, but, unfortunately, you can’t speed up the time it takes to hear from your ex. If you try to make your ex see your worth, you’ll achieve the opposite and make your ex want to speak with you even less.
So stay in no contact and work on yourself. Improve whatever needs improving and don’t reach out.
It’s been months/years. Will I ever hear from my ex again?
You may not like what I’m about to say, but you don’t want to hear from your ex before a few months have gone by. If you hear from your ex too soon and get back with your ex, nothing’s going to change. You’re going to be the same people maturity-wise, so you’ll likely break up again when you encounter the same issues.
That’s why it’s much better for you and your ex to separate from each other completely for at least a few months. That way, you can improve the things you need to improve and then come back together to see if it’s possible to work together as a couple.
I know you want to hear from your ex now (especially if you’re hurting), but you shouldn’t rush things. You guys should first figure out why the breakup happened and then do something about it. That’s the only way you can prevent breaking up again in the future.
So instead of focusing on hearing from your ex, focus on improving yourself. Your ex will have to do the same. If he or she doesn’t, your ex will have a lot of catching up to do later when/if your ex comes back.
The most successful ex-couples take the time to identify their shortcomings and improve them.
Keep in mind that exes come back on their own terms when they don’t have a choice but to come back. In other words, they come back when life gives them lemons and teaches them that what they had was good and that they threw it away because they couldn’t appreciate it.
What you’re looking for from your ex is regret and the determination to invest in you, himself/herself, and the relationship. Without a healthy relationship mentality and willpower, your ex will not grow much. Your ex will remain the same and will likely leave again once your ex gets what he or she needs from you.
Will I ever hear from my ex again if I told my ex to leave me alone?
Just because you’ve told your ex not to contact you anymore, this doesn’t mean you won’t ever hear from your ex. Your ex is not staying away from you because of what you’ve told your ex after the breakup but because your ex wanted to stay away from you.
The breakup made your ex lose all romantic feelings, so your ex now needs to redevelop them. I’m not saying your ex will fall back in love with you for sure, but your ex might if things don’t go according to plan.
For example, if your ex dates someone else and gets dumped, your ex could get hurt a lot and need someone to rely on. That someone could be you provided that you remained strong in no contact and left your ex alone.
So don’t worry too much about the things you said or did during or soon after the breakup. If your ex was breadcrumbing you or doing something he or she shouldn’t be doing, you needed your ex to stop contacting you and making healing difficult for you.
You needed to focus on yourself and let your ex enjoy the space and freedom he or she wanted.
Rest assured that your ex will contact you even if you asked for space. Your ex will do it because he or she will need to do it. That’s the best thing about no contact. It forces dumpers to reach out when they’re having a hard time.
Don’t be afraid!
Don’t let the fear of not hearing from your ex weigh you down and hold you back from enjoying your life. You may really want to hear from your ex and get back together with your ex, but fear and anxiety don’t have to control your life.
They serve very little purpose in your life, so try to control them instead. Try not to check your phone every 5 minutes for your ex’s messages and get busy with life. You need to focus on things that matter so you don’t stay emotionally dependent on your ex and waste your life waiting for someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
If you stay afraid, your ex will sense it when he or she reaches out. Your ex will see that you’ve put him or her on a pedestal and that you don’t value yourself much. That will, in turn, create a huge power imbalance and make your ex lose his or her remaining interest.
Remember that your ex won’t value you if you don’t value yourself. So make sure to value yourself. Do that by continuing to move on and enjoying your life as much as you can.
Are you still wondering if you’ll ever hear from your ex again? Now that you know what the chances of hearing from your ex are, do you feel at ease? Tell us what you think and feel in the comments below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your breakup, click here to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I just want to say that I love this article. It’s been 2 months and 2 weeks since I was dumped. I initially contacted him twice in the second week and then once a month after. Since then I have been strict about the no contact which has been incredibly difficult. I have never experienced such pain and depression before. I find that the whole “no contact” thing is super stressful as the dumpee and it causes a lot of panic and stress on top of the heartbreak.
Reading this article was the first time I felt calm about it. I know it’s unhealthy to harbor hope – and I’m trying my best not to, of course. But thinking that the odds are high that he’ll eventually reach out is comforting and makes me feel like I can focus on processing everything and healing. Then who knows if I’ll even care if he does decide to crop up again?
Hi Anon.
You’ll probably hear from your ex eventually. But when you do, you may not care anymore. You could heal to the point where your well-being doesn’t depend on your ex
For now, do your best to stay in no contact. Reaching out won’t make things any better for anyone.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex was really into me, until he moved for work… at first he insisted on dating, starting a relationship, and asking me to move with him. I told him it was too soon for me to move away with him (we were only together for about 6 months total). Also, I kept rejecting him and explaining to him that I didn’t want to have my heart broken again, because it happened to me in the past and it took me a year to fully recover. After a month I finally gave in and tried dating him.. everything was perfect, he brought me roses, told his dad, brother, and other family about me. It seemed like I finally found the right guy and I thought we were both mature enough to know that we were right for each other (he’s 31 and I’m 30). To give some background, he’s in the military, recently (4 years ago) came to terms that he’s not straight, and his mom is unaccepting of gay relationships.
At the end of October, I started noticing that I was initiating all the communication. I tested him and didn’t send any messages for 5 days… he didn’t reach out… I messaged and called him to make sure everything was okay… he insisted his feelings had not changed and said he still loved me (this was after he moved away).. A week later I tested him a second time (this time 6 days), again, I had to be the one reaching out. He said everything was fine and asked me when I could come up and visit him… So, we arranged for me to drive up (7-hour drive) in mid-November.
Friday night was fine, Saturday was fine, Sunday afternoon he said he didn’t want a long distance relationship… later in the day he changed it to, “I don’t want a relationship right now” (he was working 18 hour days and work got really busy for him the following week). He said I could stay with him the rest of the week. Things were kind of hot and cold with him… he was complaining most of the week about work and traffic and I had never seen that side of him before.
The last night I was there we had a long talk. He asked for a break until things calmed down at work around February (now)… I told him, please tell me the truth because I’ve been through this before, and “it’s better if you tell me the truth than try to spare my feelings”… he insisted that he was still in love with me and promised he would see me again, bla bla bla. He said “I would be lying if I said I didn’t love you anymore, but if it makes it easier for you, I will say that I don’t love you anymore”. I didn’t believe any of it but still held on to hope. I explained to him, you know that’s just going to make me want to wait instead of moving on right? I also told him I don’t want to be friends, and to not contact me anymore if he thought this would be permanent. He still cuddled with me that night and the morning I left he hugged me and promised he’d see me again.
I started moving on as soon as I left his house… I texted him when I got home and that’s it. I didn’t contact him again (this was November 21st). Two days later I got a text from him saying his boss tested positive for Covid and that he himself suspected he could have gotten it, and that I should get tested… after no contact from me whatsoever, on December 18th (25 days later), instead of assuming that I had moved on, he sent me a long text, but in short it said “I no longer want a romantic relationship with you”… “but I’d like to remain friends if that’s possible”.. and “I still care about you and feel sorry for you”.
I planned on ignoring his text forever, but of course I couldn’t resist and I replied 2 weeks later on January 2nd wishing him a happy new year. He replied immediately wishing me a happy new year as well and asked if I was okay and if I needed more time… I didn’t acknowledge his question on needing more time… I just said I was okay and that I had been super busy with work.
Then, the last week of January, my friend was over at my house and asked to use my computer and he accidentally sent a link to my ex on facebook instead of to himself… I explained to my ex what happened and then he asked me how I was doing again, and since I was already in contact with him again, I started suggesting maybe watching a tv show with him sometime, and he was accepting that, implying that I’d come up and visit. But because I didn’t intentionally mean to contact him, I didn’t say anything else since that day (January 28th I think), and I haven’t heard back from him since.
I’m sorry for the long story and all the details… I thought I was over this 100%, but apparently, I’m still hoping he’ll come back… I’m still trying to let go but I just keep having this feeling that he’s going to come back on his own, but it could be years… I’m not planning on contacting him again even though I really want to 🙁
If you’ve managed to read through most of this, let me know what you think? Thank you so much if you did read through all of this.
My ex and I had a long and complicated 2 year relationship. We moved in together right at the start and skipped the dating stage (long story) and then had to endure multiple lockdowns together. We loved each other intensely but man could we argue. She broke up with me 3 months ago and moved out. We’ve blown hot and cold over the months from communicating and trying to be friends to absolutely no contact. I have been needy at times and have struggled to process the breakup. I still love her. She had a rebound fling 2 weeks after we split and is now in a new early stage relationship. She decided to finally get her stuff today and has asked for contact to be cut off permanently and to have me out of her life. We’ve blocked each other across social. We haven’t blocked each other’s numbers but i’ve deleted our chats. I still care and I think I always will. I suppose I want to know if she really meant what she said or is the fact that she’s still angry with me for my part in our breakup the main factor. I wonder if in 6 months or a year she might feel differently and reconsider being friends. Maybe i’m crazy. But the thought of her never being in my life again breaks me. I fully intend to work on myself and get my life back on track. To date and move forward. But I do hope that one day she says Hi.
Hi Joe.
I’m not sure if she’ll want to be friends again, but she broke up with you so she has to be the one to reach out and say she wants you in her life again. I suggest you keep moving on with your life. You’ll probably hear from her one day.
Best,
Zan
My ex decided to end things as it was quite long distance however it ended on good terms. He’s moving to a different country but coming back after a few months. He described the situation as right person, wrong time. He asked if we could still message but I said we couldn’t as it would hurt too much. I still want him to reach out though to show he really cares and I want him to regret his decision, we got on really really well – it’s been three weeks since he ended things and there’s been no contact on either side. Do you think he will ever message again?
Hi Sophie.
I think he’ll message you, but not any time soon. You told him not to—and that’s good. This isn’t the time for communication. It’s time to heal and get yourself back.
Hang in there, Sophie!
Zan
Hi Zan,
It’s been nearly two months and he still has not messaged me. He always likes my insta pictures but has still not messaged and it is getting frustrating. I try to distract myself and it is improving but I still sometimes get sad and hopeful that he will message me soon.
Hi Sophie.
If it’s possible, try not to check who likes your pictures. And if you can’t do that or if you get notified automatically, stop posting pictures for a few months. You don’t need to know what your ex thinks, says, and does.
Stay strong, Sophie!
Kind regards,
Zan
I happened to be visiting for vacation. My ex and I already met several times before this happened. I was supposed to meet an ex before I leave the country and I suggested I stay over at his place. He agreed but he forgot that he had plans early morning. I tried to say it’s fine despite this. He got uncomfortable and tried to compromised. It went on and he got angry saying that I am doing this for my convenience. That was not my intention, I wanted to spend time. I gave in and agreed to accomodate. The next day he wanted to call it off because he was feeling uncomfortable about how this went on. He also cancelled the plans. I’m not sure whether he wanted to “call off” the plans or the whole relationship. I sent an apology text explaining how my actions affected himn my intentions and also it’s okay if he doesn’t want to see me anymore (on those days before I leave the country). The next day he blocked me from social media. He didn’t read the apology text until later that day. No reply. Not sure if he blocked me there too after that. I fear that this blocking is permanent and it is my fault. I haven’t contacted him since that text. I think he told his friends about the situation. Some blocked or hide the stories involving him (which I saw beforehand) from me.
Hi Anonymous.
Meeting up with an ex is difficult as it can cause misunderstandings and disagreements. It’s best not to meet up with your ex anymore and give your broken relationship time to rest.
You can consider being friends with him a year or years later.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m on a break with my boyfriend for about 2 weeks now. We’ve been together for more than a year. Before the break, we had 4 fights continuously for two weeks. Then one time, he called me and said that he’s tired and had enough/done with everything. He said we just keep having the same problems and keep fighting. I told him that i don’t wanna break up and regret that i keep arguing with him and should’ve been more understanding. I said sorry and i wanted to change and realised my mistakes. But then he kept saying ‘no, i already give you many chances’ and said there’s a future ahead of me. He said that we still can be friends and it is possible for us to get back together in the future. I kept telling him my feelings and at the end, he said that he will give me one more chance and i don’t need to worry and don’t cry anymore but he really need some space for a week and said he will contact me. Now, it’s been 2 weeks and he still hasn’t contacted me. I texted him if he needs more time but he ignored it. After reading your blog, i realised that i begged and promise change to him which was a mistake. What should i do now? How do i show him that i have change (or working towards it)? How do I save the relationship?
Backstory: We nearly broke up halfway through our relationship with similar problems to what we’re having now. He was also the one who brought up the break, after that we were good and barely fight for about 4 months. I realised that he is not that good at communicating and he avoids fights/arguments. Most of the time I’m the one who initiates the fight cos I feel he’s not caring towards me and not giving me enough attention. Then, he would say that he acknowledged his wrongdoings and will change. I realised that I’m used to him and felt like he was my bestfriend as well.
Hi Lia.
You don’t actively try to prove that you’ve changed. Your ex doesn’t care about that anymore as he’s developed negative associations for you. This means that you must leave him alone by going no contact. He’ll contact you if he changes his mind about you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi there. I was with my boyfriend for seven years and he just broke it off about two weeks ago. We’ve been together since we were 18, spent almost every day together and moved in together at 20. We had been going through some issues as a couple (communication and some other smaller things) and he felt like he was the only one willing to fix the relationship. I’m aware of where I went wrong and what I did, but I also do need to throw out that I’ve been going through a lot of grief. Dec of 2020, I lost my stepdad. July of 2021, I lost my mema. I’ve been struggling on myself for a while. Anywho…he felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough for our relationship, but I also can’t sit here and explain the grief — because it should not have been taken out on him. Fast forward, he said. ultimately the only way we would stay together is if we did couples therapy and I never brought it up. I forgot to. I work a pretty demanding job and talk to ppl all day. I seem to get lost in my thoughts. After he told me that when we broke up, he also said he thinks we both need space to figure out who we are as individuals. He’s absolutely right. We’re 25 and still have a lot of life to live. I’m just so confused because he has expressed to me (after we broke up and COMMUNICATED lol) that he could see us getting back together if/when we work on ourselves. He’s a man of his word and is the most honest, blunt person I’ve met. I spent 7 years with this man…trust me. Also, after we’ve talked in person a few times, I’ve experienced such love filled embraces with him since everything has happened. Like, I can feel the love radiating from them. I feel crazy when I say that. I’m perplexed because we are still in love. He will text me to check in and see how I am and what’s going on. It’s not an every day thing, but he reaches out and engages in conversation. He also will check my social media. I am at the point where I will NOT be the one reaching out in any regards. He wanted this space….right? Do you think there is a fighting chance for us again? I’m going to use this time wisely and up my game. Work on myself, go to therapy (he’s actually going to therapy too, which he really needs. He doesn’t open up), find new hobbies, hang out with friends, meet new people…new experiences. I got a little too comfortable with being with just him.
What do you think?
Hi Sade.
I don’t think it was necessary for your ex to get space from you. If he knew how to solve his problems or at least communicate them efficiently, he wouldn’t have to get space from you. Space is not what you need, it’s what he needs due to poor communication.
I suggest you give him the time he asked for. Don’t reach out and just reply when he checks up on you. Also, get help and work on your flaws. You need to do it for yourself more than him.
Slowly work on losing hope because you don’t know if he told you the truth or not. “Maybe in the future” is an excuse most dumpers use to get their exes to leave them alone and alleviate their guilt.
Hang in there, Sade
Zan
Hello my name is Anne We had a good relationship but we were arguing a lot and there was resentment on my end because I felt like my emotional needs weren’t Being met I was angry at him. Then he started ignoring me and being distant. He broke up with me 2 days later told me it was over then he later said he wanted to fix the relationship. Next thing I heard he was in North Carolina with another girl I found out he was cheating on me and left me for her and he don’t even know her they just met . So he’s rebounding and she lives like 5 hours away. I still love him but I went NO Contact I admit I have begged, pleaded , went to eat at his job , tried to be petty. But I was only hurting myself and my self esteem. I don’t know if he will ever come back it’s funny because we work so close to each other I don’t know if theirs a chance for us in the future.
Hi Anne.
Since your ex is dating someone new, he’ll need to go through the stages of a new relationship with her. During his time apart, he’ll have to process the breakup, get to know the new woman, and discern your worth. I can’t predict how his story will unfold, but if his relationship fails miserably, he might return to you for comfort and possibly even validation.
That’s when you should decide what to do with him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi..
My ex and i broke up 3 months ago.. our relationship had been great but we lack of communication skills.. and he said that he’s stressed about his work and he’s working on his thesis. then we ended up breaking up, and yes i did the pleading and begging and told him that i don’t want a break up and i want to work things out. but he didn’t want to and he said our relationship won’t be healthy if we stay.. he also said that it isn’t impossible in the future to get back together. so i respected his decision and agree about the break up..
he eventually reached out after a month, he was commenting on my IG stories for some periods of time and then he talked about how’s his day on that day without me asking about it. but then dissapeared again and he didn’t reply when i reply his last comment. will he ever reach out again? and when he said there is a chance for us to reunite in the future, should i believe that? i just don’t know what to do.. i just want to works things out with him.. but he still liked my post on instagram though..
i noticed that i have an anxious attachment style and he’s an avoidant..
Hi Vanita.
Your ex will probably reach out again. But he may not reach out to get back together. Keep that in mind.
When he reaches out, see what he wants. If it’s just to chat, you don’t want to keep him entertained. You want him to message you only if he wants you back. So tell him not to contact you.
I know you want him back, but he doesn’t want that right now and you must respect it. Give him time to do what he wants and focus on yourself. He’ll reach out if he wants to talk to you/get back together.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello. My ex dumped me after 2 years not too long ago. We had a vacation that didn’t end well and I believe she sat on her feelings for the entire time after until she left me. Maybe a month or more. She admitted she doesn’t communicate well and she also said she’s scared to tell me things because she doesn’t want to argue. She said we both need to better ourselves and that she just wants space and to be alone to focus on work and nothing else. She claims she doesn’t want to date or anything like that. (Idk if I believe that) She also told me she won’t say yes or no to us getting back together because she doesn’t know the future and doesn’t want to get my hopes up in case it doesn’t happen. Am I stupid for feeling like I should wait around for her? I know I need to change and I’m willing to do that regardless. But idk what to do at this point. She claims to not love me anymore but this was so sudden for me I can’t help but feel like deep down she does still care. I thought I knew her. Even if she did come back, how could I trust her again? Sadly I also begged and pleaded with her and that probably did not help at all. I was weak when normally I am not. She was and is very special to me. I’ve never been in such a good relationship before but it ended badly and I don’t know that it can be fixed. All I know is I want her back.
Thank you.
Hi T.
Thanks for commenting.
You mustn’t wait for your ex to change her mind about the relationship. I can tell you that she needs a lot of space and time before she can think and feel differently about you. So give her the space she’s asked for and work on yourself.
If she comes back, you’ll probably have your guard up and will have to learn to trust her again. But don’t worry about that for now. Deal with this when it comes to it.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi, my ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. She had a change of job and told me that she wanted to prioritise her career. We are a few years apart in age and this is her 2nd job. No discussion prior to the breakup. We met but she clearly wasn’t willing to say much or even anything. Broke up with me via text. I had no choice but to agree and move on. Looks like she won’t come back? What should I do?
Ugh…. getting split up via text is the worst. Same thing happened to me, out of nowhere. Honestly, unless the relationship was extremely toxic or the dumpee was abusive, there is no reason to ever breakup with someone via text. It shows a tremendous lack of character for the dumper and their lack of respect and empathy for the dumpee. This is how I now feel about my ex after reflecting back on the situation.
Like yourself, I had no other choice but to respect her decision and try to move on with grace and dignity, as hard as that was, and still is for me. You did the right thing by not begging or pleading.
I’ve heard it in a variety of similar formats, but basically this:
“If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If you have to force it, it’s not meant to be.”
Indefinite No Contact is the only choice you have. I wish you the best… keep your head up and stay strong.
I was with my ex for 5 years and we split up right before quarantine and ended up getting back on track during quarantine… he started seeing people during our breakup and I was busy with school. When we started up again things were unclear and nothing was truly spoken about from our past breakup. Until he was stressed about moving out, and I told him I would help him look for places and I did… our goal was to see if we could still try to make this work slowly but surely. Then one day I tell him I had to leave his house to run errands for a trip I was going on and he got mad. I pleaded with him back and forth on whether or not he wanted to me stay till the end of the day but he got even more mad and told me to just leave… in that moment he left the room and went into his washroom. His roommates were outside in the living room and I just left the house completely- thinking he was ignoring me or avoiding me… so then he send me msgs telling me to leave him alone for a month (I didn’t reply thinking he needed time to cool off) then the next day I get msgs from him telling me to leave him alone, block him and never come back into his life… I respond saying I will respect his wishes but I won’t block him and I wish he didn’t feel this way and I started to wish him well… then he cusses me out in 56 messages saying nasty nasty things (he wants me to die, kill myself, my mother should die, I’m a slut, etc) I didn’t respond then I give it a few days expecting him to follow up on what happened… he didn’t say a thing and with anger I called the police. The messages scared me and I was scared for his well being. The police went to his house and warned him not to do that again, and his excuse was that he was drunk and regrets it YET did not msg me anything!???? So then a few weeks go by and I get more hate messages from him… I was hurt again and even more this time, so I called the police again and he got arrested (one night in a holding cell)… 2 months go by and I felt the need to send him an email just reaching out to apologize for how things had went down and that I was sorry for the police involvement…. why do I want to talk to him so badly!? I know it’s crazy but I wish I could have a sit-down conversation with him. I did tell him how he is important to me and I feel lost without him… and that’s it. I presume it’s just time to try to cope, heal and move on. You know when you just wish you did things differently? But also he’s not an angel either in this.
No matter how heated an argument or disagreement may become, there is absolutely zero excuse for somebody to speak to you with such hateful and immature remarks.
None of us are prefect, but you deserve far better and are clearly much better off without that toxicity in your life.
I wish you the best.
My ex boyfriend and I are both 58. We met at 18 and I got pregnant. When I told him he was bit nasty and walked away. 37 years later we met again. He caught me off guard and asked about the baby. I was not prepared to relive the fact that our son died at 18 months in a car accident. So I plainly told him I had an abortion. We ended up dating and lived together 3 years. The lie nearly killed me as he was hell bent on honesty. He himself held back that he took pain pills recreationally. I found out around 4 months into our relationship. By then I fell in love. I left him 7/31/20 for that specific reason. His behavior got erratic. We still talked etc on 9/12/20 he ghosted me after his sister asked him about pain pills. I then told him about our son Alex. Still ghosted and I have been broken.
Your story makes my heart cry.
Sending you much love and positive vibes. You deserve so much better… you will find someone who appreciates you. Stay strong.
I was with a man for 8 years. We had a good relationship until he broke up with me because all those years I have not introduced him to my family. The truth of the matter was that I was separated for 10 years, my ex-husband would not give me a divorce. I never told him about my situation. I guess he finally gave up on me, that was the only thing that broke up our relationship. I tried the NC and sporadically tried to connect with him. I felt I did not get any closure and I finally did. He told me that he packed all my stuff and that he would not want to be with me if he cannot love me the same way. At this point, I am not hopeful that he will try to reconnect with me although, he send me back some gifts that I gave him the day before my birthday. I didn’t greet me on my birthday this year but last year he texted me. At this point I am not sure if he will try to connect with me. He is also a stubborn man and once he made up his mind that is it.
Your situation is oddly similar to mine. I was with a woman for 10 years, 8 of those years we lived together. During that time she never introduced me to her family, only her one eldest son in his upper 20’s. She was separated and finally got a divorce by 2018 but seemed upset with me because I did not ‘jump for joy over it.’ I had waited for almost 10 years for her to push for the divorce…how excited could I possibly be at this point? All it cost her was $300 uncontested. Almost immediately she changed. She stopped coming home one night and I knew it was over. Turns out she was lying to my about when she went up to Richmond to see her family on some weekends. She was cheating with some gimp she knew for years. She of course lied about it all, claimed she was moving with a female roommate etc. She moved right in with the idiot gimp. She had the nerve to ask that we still be friends. I told her absolutely not. I did contact her a year later asking her to return one particular item, a diamond necklace I had given her in lieu of a ring. She did and I am absolutely satisfied in asking for it back and disposing of it for good. I have never heard from her again and frankly don’t ever want to. I could handle a cheater to some degree, but a liar who runs off after years and years of telling me how wonderful our relation ship was, how great I was to her, how much she loved me, and yet made zero effort to tell me anything was wrong or remotely try to resolve any issues. it literally went from happy one day to sad the next and gone the day after that. Never let yourself feel remorse or regret over a loser that behaves this way!
I met my ex girlfriend when I was stuck on someone else whom I couldn’t have. I was 47, she was 40 …She was quick to recognize that I had a wounded heart and claimed that she wanted to fix me…. I didn’t feel as though she was my type and after a couple dates I tried to break it off.. She explained that she wasn’t looking for anything serious so I played along and in a year or so I became hooked.. We stayed together 14yrs. We spend nearly every weekend, holidays etc. together. We had our separate homes due to her kids school district etc.
She was a simple hardworking waitress, honest, good hearted towards people, etc. but she had a few vices some of which I feel were due to lack of upbringing guidance from her parents. Most all her 7 brothers and sisters were into drugs, smoking pot, beer drinkers etc.. Knowing that wasn’t my style when she was with me she didn’t engage in any of this type behavior and had me believe she was working at leaving that lifestyle behind.. As years went on she grew tired of me and my attempts to divert and encourage her from this behavior….Menopause had set in and she seem to lose her physical and emotional attraction towards me and finally she broke up with me.. I love her, care about her and wanted to help her. She just became resentful of me and said I was too controlling … I miss her and all the fun times we had physically emotionally, the music, concerts, singing, nature kayaking cutting, splitting firewood, movies, cooking gardening etc. etc. We had our disagreements, little fights but no major deal breakers such as violence, lying, cheating ever happened between us.. Haven’t heard from her it’s been 6 months although I did send a sympathy card a couple months ago when I learned her father died
Hey Zan,
I appreciate the article. Very interesting read as I been looking at most articles which kind of don’t tell you much. I’ve known this woman for many years. She was 18 when we met and we instantly hit it off but I knew she was too young for me. Fast forward a year and half and we went in a date and were inseparable. I broke things off with her twice last year and left the state, I finally came back a year later (April 2020) and it was like magic happened all over, none of our issues were ever fixed and we never fixed the core issue of her thinking I was talking to another girl. When I came back I knew in my heart she was the woman for me and I loved her beyond a reasonable doubt; we were in love. My situation though was that I put her on a pedestal, wasn’t man enough, and complained a lot. I was starting a new business and it wasn’t the right to stay in the relationship with my issues, She ultimately broke up with me by way of her wanting a break and things felt weird, I didn’t want to let her go again so I pleaded and begged for about a week. She told me that she is seeing someone who appreciates her now and that the person she used to love she doesn’t see any more and gave me a bunch of reasons why and that she didn’t like them. I finally told her that I would work on these things and that I appreciated the time with her. Since two weeks I’ve been working in myself mentally and physically lifting and meditating. I want to focus on myself for now and if she ever contacts me I’ll be prepared and a new man that she could see. Ultimately these things are for me. What are the chances of her contacting me and is there anything you would recommend me to do in order to get her besides no contact? Thank you
I was with my ex for 2 years. It started great and then went bad quickly. He lied about his status which ultimately killed our trust. I left him at that time but I wanted him back. Because the trust between us died, it made the relationship complicated because I could not trust anything he would say even if I had the evidence in hand. But i was still madly in love with him. I would accuse him of things all of the time. I honestly don’t believe he was cheating but I couldn’t figure out what was going on in his life when I wasn’t around. He broke up with me in July. We went 12 days NC, but I reached out to him to see how he was. The breakup was bad, really bad. He came out of nowhere with the breakup and I unleashed a fury of awful words to him. So me reaching out was my way of apologizing. He responded and we began hanging out and talking regularly again. Until one day he went ghost for several days. When he reached out again he told me he had a weak moment and attempted suicide. He never told why he did. But he kept saying he’s not himself, he’s stressed etc. never implied i was the reason but I felt like I was. 2 weeks ago 2 days after I stayed the night at his house, he told me he loved me. I hadn’t heard those words in awhile from him so it felt good. I had started having feelings again for him before that and yes I made it clear in the beginning my intentions were to get back together. So I asked him are we on the same page and then all hell broke loose. He got angry saying why do I make everything about me when he’s the one going thru things and attempted suicide. I said I’m protecting myself first so before I fall into a rabbit hole of emotions with you, do you feel the same?! Next thing you know he text me saying I love you but I have to let you go. That was 2 weeks ago. I texted him a few times since then. Begging basically to not make this decision now when angry but to give time to think it over. I basically wanted to keep myself relevant in fear he would forget me. The last text I sent was a meme on love. His response was “leave me be”.
Is it really over?!
I believe in the universe and it’s magic and it has always brought us back together. We would work on things individually but we would fall back into a comfortable pattern and forget about change made.
I’m heartbroken. And I’ve never felt this before. I truly miss my best friend.
My ex broke up with me in April just as lockdown started after 2 years. It was a decision influenced by her friends I thought just from the last conversation we had.
Anyway, coming on to 5 months now and about 5.5 months since last saw her. I’ve not had contact since her text saying its over.
A weird thing I’ve found is that I can’t remember her voice at all. Either for when she spoke in English or when we talked in her native language. Pfff – all gone.
So, with lockdown etc I decided to retrain job wise and also applied for jobs overseas. I might as well use the language skills I gained being with her to improve / move forward in my life.
En avant!
Cool story?
Any update? Toujours autant en avant?
My situation seems to be the inverse of most of the comments I read. I dated a girl for nearly 3 years and it was absolutely heaven for both of us for the first year or so. But she was extremely volatile and would just go crazy (physically a few times too) at me. Towards the end, I just wanted out, but every time I tried to end it she really scared me with some of the stuff she said she’d do.
Then cams lockdown and honestly it was a relief to not see her anymore and she couldn’t blame me for it (we live separately). So we spoke a lot on the phone until the inevitable blowup and now I haven’t heard from her for nearly 3 months and haven’t seen her for nearly 6 months.
It’s over right? It sounds like I’ve got another 3 months to wait before I really can move on.
Have you tried to reach out to her? Does she respond when you do? Did you end it or did she?
No, I haven’t. Honestly it sounds ridiculous, but I’m terrified of her and wouldn’t dream of reaching out ever. I swear I once even saw her lurking outside my offices at work (before lockdown) and that’s when I realised either I was going crazy or she’s just dangerous (she lives a long way away from my work). She often said that she’s do “something” to me, but never elaborated. But whatever, it sounded like something violent.
As for the ending, it was a mutual ending I guess. We’ve done this many times before, huge argument and then radio silence for a week or two. But this time it was different. I was literally counting each day that passed hoping she’d leave me alone and as the days turned into weeks, then months, I started to feel better about myself and get a grip on my life again. I stopped feeling like a loser and got my mental strength back with each passing day. I started sleeping better. I actually started feeling happy and like my old self again.
I don’t know how I ended up in this mess and feel really stupid now. But it feels long enough has passed that I can successfully ignore her if she gets in touch again, but I’m really starting to believe I’m free. I now can totally relate to people who get psychologically trapped and the laughable suggestion of “why didn’t you just walk away”. It’s impossible when you’re in the middle of it.
Hi, Zan. This article really helped me. I guess I would refer to myself as the “dumpee” in my situation. Just before the quarantine I met this girl – a neighbor across the street – and we fell hard and fast. She just got out of a toxic 3.5 year relationship with a guy who was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. During those first few weeks in isolation, we really connected and started to build a relationship. Things didn’t get romantic until about 3-4 weeks in, but we never officially “dated” per say. This went on for four months – literally things came to an end this past Thursday. Her life was in shambles with her ex still harassing her, pressure from work, family issues, etc. I liked her so much, I couldn’t run away. Eventually, she started being very manipulative and disrespectful. I was blinded by her “I like you so much” speeches, the attention and the sex. It took me a few weeks to finally stand up for myself. The second time I did so, she snapped and things ended. I’ve really struggled since then. I miss her and still care about her a lot, despite everything that was said/happened. I want what’s best for her, but she needs some serious help. I’ve debated reaching out for closure and I really wouldn’t be opposed to reconnecting in the future. Before things went to shit, I felt we had a real connection and chemistry. The timing just wasn’t right and there were so many issues in her life that she couldn’t give me the love and respect I deserved. Not sure where I’m going with this, but I just wanted to say thanks. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
It happened something similar with me. The girl told me all their boyfriends before were bad and she was always good but guess what not true. She was the person with issues. You dated a narcissist, she love bomb you, then devalued and when you stood up she discarded you. If you want to reconnect the easier way is to never reach out to her. When she comes back have a serious talk. Ask her honestly to tell you why she left, if she has feelings for her ex, if she is seeing other guys. Ask her many questions and try to really understand the girl. Sometimes girls can be very toxic and use guys just because they don’t want to be alone