If you’re wondering, “Will I ever hear from my ex again,” I may have some good news for you. I’ve done a little bit of research and talked to some dumpees to understand how long it took their exes to reach out.
I also spoke to dumpers, browsed through several forums, and conversed with dumpees from all over the world to provide you with the most accurate information I possibly can.
In my research, I excluded cases where ex-partners live or work together or are forced to break no contact.
I also excluded cases where dumpers needed to collect their belongings or had other unfinished business with dumpees such as kids. I wanted this research to be about non-complicated breakups and be as accurate as possible.
To my astonishment, it didn’t take extremely long for most dumpers to reach out. Many dumpers found reasons to get back in touch with their dumpee relatively soon after the breakup and would then continue to breadcrumb their ex afterward.
They just weren’t ready to cut their ex out of their lives completely.
So if you’re worried that you’ll never hear from your ex again, try not to be. Your ex reaching out doesn’t even indicate that your ex wants you back. It usually means that the dumper is curious about the dumpee and that he or she wants to see how the dumpee thinks and feels during no contact.
To you, the reach out will most likely give you false hope and a lot of anxiety. It will disturb your healing and cause you more damage than any other insult or threat any other person has ever caused.
The topic of this post is, “Will I hear from my ex again?” We’ll analyze the results from the survey and try to figure out what that means for you.
How long does it usually take dumpers to reach out?
The time it takes exes to reach out varies for each individual. It takes some dumpees days or weeks and others months or years. Some dumpers also never break no contact. They stay in it and focus on moving forward with their lives.
Such dumpers tend to resent their exes, have a strict no contact policy, or aren’t capable of seeing their exes in a better light. All they can do is blame their exes for their actions and feelings and ignore the need to self-reflect and improve themselves.
But fortunately, not many dumpers completely destroy their exes’ value in their eyes. Most dumpers cool off after a while and become curious about their exes. That’s why they send their exes breadcrumbs and talk about unimportant things dumpees couldn’t care less about.
If your ex never reaches out (not even years later), you need to know that this isn’t such a bad thing. You should consider it a blessing in disguise and be thankful to your ex for not confusing you and disturbing your healing.
Your ex let you heal and detach and gave you a golden opportunity to learn and improve from the breakup.
Unlike most dumpees who torture themselves with “what ifs,” you were able to let go of hope quicker than most dumpees and found happiness within yourself. If you ask me, that’s priceless because nothing is more important than your health and well-being.
Anyway, many dumpees worry they’ll never hear from their ex again. They’re scared their ex will find someone else and that they’ll stay miserable forever. If this is what you’re thinking, you need to stop. It’s not helping you improve your self-esteem and become a better person at all.
All it’s doing is putting you down, giving you anxiety, and making you think your ex will find eternal happiness without you.
Let’s now have a look at the data I gathered.
As you can see from the chart above, the chart consists of 108 dumpers. Dumpers are of different ages and genders and had unique relationships. That’s why it took some dumpers longer than others to reach out.
Human beings are different by nature and go through different post-breakup experiences, so it’s impossible to predict when they’ll reach out and what they’ll reach out for. All we can do is generalize.
One of the most interesting things I’ve discovered is that many dumpers (14.8%) contacted their dumpees before the end of the first month. I’m not sure how their conversations went, but some probably had a fakeup and ended up back together shortly after getting back in touch.
Others likely just checked up on their exes and then went back to no contact when they assuaged their guilt.
After the first month of a breakup, the chances of exes reaching out decreased by a staggering 50%, dropping down to 6.48% per month.
This indicates that dumpers weren’t very eager to converse. They probably processed unhealthy emotions such as guilt and shame and found it easier to focus on themselves and not worry about their exes.
The average time it takes dumpers to reach out to their exes
According to the results from the survey, dumpees’ chances of hearing from their exes were the highest in the first half of the year after the breakup. Dumpees were still on dumpers’ minds a lot at that time, so dumpers reached out to discuss something they wanted or needed to discuss.
After the 6th month mark, however, the number of dumpers reaching out decreased significantly. The percentage fluctuated at around 3.3% per month until the “years later” mark. That’s when more dumpers started reaching out.
Some offered friendship and some asked to get back together because they failed to connect with other people.
If we take into consideration only the first 12 months after the breakup, a total of 86 dumpers broke no contact and contacted their exes after 7.16 months on average.
This means that based on these statistics alone, you’re most likely going to hear from your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend in the first 6 months. Your ex could contact you when he or she processes the breakup a bit more and sees that it’s safe to reach out and talk to you again.
If you don’t hear from your ex in the first 6 months, however, then your ex hasn’t found a reason to reach out yet. He or she could still be resentful, happy in the new relationship, or not convinced that talking to you is a good idea.
You need to give your ex more time and continue to focus on yourself.
What are the chances my ex will reach out?
Dumpees are terrified of never hearing from their ex again. The thought of being abandoned and forgotten hurts them so much that they often look for signs their ex still loves them and signs their ex will eventually come back.
They don’t want to accept that their ex may be over them and that they might have to let go of hope and find happiness without their ex.
If it’s been months since the breakup and you still haven’t heard from your ex, don’t panic and contact your ex first. Bear in mind that it’s normal for dumpers to stay away from dumpees for months. Heck, it’s normal for them to stay away for a year or even longer.
The end of a relationship triggers a lot of unhealthy emotions inside dumpers.
It makes them so angry or disappointed that they burn out emotionally and destroy their ability to want to contact their exes and talk about something. It becomes safer and better for them not to risk getting back in touch with their exes.
Especially if dumpees begged and pleaded with them for another chance or took revenge on them. Such behaviors often make dumpers associate unhealthy associations with their exes and lose all respect and interest.
The only two things that can make them want to talk with their exes again are time and self-reflecting experiences.
According to my research, 9.26% of dumpees never heard back from their dumper ex. This means that the chances of your ex reaching out are 90.7%.
If you ask me, 90.7% is pretty good! Don’t let your anxiety get the best of you while you’re “waiting” to hear from your ex.
Expecting quick results or hoping that your ex reaches out by a certain date is only going to prolong your pain and suffering. It’s going to make you stay dependent on your ex and give your ex the ability to control your feelings.
Another thing we need to mention is that sometimes dumpers contact their exes and get back together with them even after 30 years or longer. Yes, 30 years is a long time, but that proves that some exes reappear many years later and that the number of exes reaching out in the future is even bigger than the survey shows.
But let’s just focus on the few years’ timeline because you won’t care much about your ex if you don’t hear from your ex after 5 years or more. You’ll have found your peace and probably someone else to date.
The odds are in your favor!
To round it up, we can say that every 10th person is never going to hear from their ex again.
Understanding your chances of hearing from your ex will probably make you feel good, but try not to hold on to hope too much. Hope is going to make detachment much more difficult than it needs to be. It’s going to keep you looking over your shoulder and give you unnecessary anxiety.
If you can, it’s much healthier for you to accept that you might never hear from your ex and that it’s okay. That kind of thinking will prepare you for the worst whereas expecting to hear from your ex will make you dependent on your ex’s outreach.
So allow only as much hope into your system as it’s healthy and needed for your healing. When you’re coping well and don’t need hope, however, try to get rid of hope by telling yourself that it doesn’t matter if your ex reaches out.
Your life will go on whether you hear from your ex or not. Just give yourself some time to detach and you’ll see you don’t need your ex in your life to be happy.
Will I hear from my ex again in the future if I begged and pleaded?
It goes without saying that post-breakup mistakes push the dumper away and delay the time it takes him or her to grow respect for you and reach out.
Depending on how long you begged and how insecure you appeared, your ex will need some time to recover. He or she will need to focus on enjoying the space the breakup provides and worry only about his or her wants and needs.
That’s how your ex might be able to disassociate stress, contempt, and anger from your persona and feel a bit better about reaching out.
Although I can’t speculate how much begging for love and attention is too much, you need to know that a lot of begging can reduce your value tremendously, overwhelm your ex emotionally, and make your ex not want to speak with you again.
Some negative emotions can be too difficult to disassociate from you even years after the breakup, so do your best to avoid hurting your ex and making yourself look bad. You need to invest in yourself rather than your ex and wait for your ex to forget about your behavior and find reasons to contact you.
That could take time, of course, but, unfortunately, you can’t speed up the time it takes to hear from your ex. If you try to make your ex see your worth, you’ll achieve the opposite and make your ex want to speak with you even less.
So stay in no contact and work on yourself. Improve whatever needs improving and don’t reach out.
It’s been months/years. Will I ever hear from my ex again?
You may not like what I’m about to say, but you don’t want to hear from your ex before a few months have gone by. If you hear from your ex too soon and get back with your ex, nothing’s going to change. You’re going to be the same people maturity-wise, so you’ll likely break up again when you encounter the same issues.
That’s why it’s much better for you and your ex to separate from each other completely for at least a few months. That way, you can improve the things you need to improve and then come back together to see if it’s possible to work together as a couple.
I know you want to hear from your ex now (especially if you’re hurting), but you shouldn’t rush things. You guys should first figure out why the breakup happened and then do something about it. That’s the only way you can prevent breaking up again in the future.
So instead of focusing on hearing from your ex, focus on improving yourself. Your ex will have to do the same. If he or she doesn’t, your ex will have a lot of catching up to do later when/if your ex comes back.
The most successful ex-couples take the time to identify their shortcomings and improve them.
Keep in mind that exes come back on their own terms when they don’t have a choice but to come back. In other words, they come back when life gives them lemons and teaches them that what they had was good and that they threw it away because they couldn’t appreciate it.
What you’re looking for from your ex is regret and the determination to invest in you, himself/herself, and the relationship. Without a healthy relationship mentality and willpower, your ex will not grow much. Your ex will remain the same and will likely leave again once your ex gets what he or she needs from you.
Will I ever hear from my ex again if I told my ex to leave me alone?
Just because you’ve told your ex not to contact you anymore, this doesn’t mean you won’t ever hear from your ex. Your ex is not staying away from you because of what you’ve told your ex after the breakup but because your ex wanted to stay away from you.
The breakup made your ex lose all romantic feelings, so your ex now needs to redevelop them. I’m not saying your ex will fall back in love with you for sure, but your ex might if things don’t go according to plan.
For example, if your ex dates someone else and gets dumped, your ex could get hurt a lot and need someone to rely on. That someone could be you provided that you remained strong in no contact and left your ex alone.
So don’t worry too much about the things you said or did during or soon after the breakup. If your ex was breadcrumbing you or doing something he or she shouldn’t be doing, you needed your ex to stop contacting you and making healing difficult for you.
You needed to focus on yourself and let your ex enjoy the space and freedom he or she wanted.
Rest assured that your ex will contact you even if you asked for space. Your ex will do it because he or she will need to do it. That’s the best thing about no contact. It forces dumpers to reach out when they’re having a hard time.
Don’t be afraid!
Don’t let the fear of not hearing from your ex weigh you down and hold you back from enjoying your life. You may really want to hear from your ex and get back together with your ex, but fear and anxiety don’t have to control your life.
They serve very little purpose in your life, so try to control them instead. Try not to check your phone every 5 minutes for your ex’s messages and get busy with life. You need to focus on things that matter so you don’t stay emotionally dependent on your ex and waste your life waiting for someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
If you stay afraid, your ex will sense it when he or she reaches out. Your ex will see that you’ve put him or her on a pedestal and that you don’t value yourself much. That will, in turn, create a huge power imbalance and make your ex lose his or her remaining interest.
Remember that your ex won’t value you if you don’t value yourself. So make sure to value yourself. Do that by continuing to move on and enjoying your life as much as you can.
Are you still wondering if you’ll ever hear from your ex again? Now that you know what the chances of hearing from your ex are, do you feel at ease? Tell us what you think and feel in the comments below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your breakup, click here to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello there!
A week ago, my girlfriend of four months broke up with me. Everything seemed perfect, at least from my perspective, but in just two weeks, it all went downhill in her mind.
She was my first real girlfriend, and everything clicked perfectly from the start. We had a strong connection and made many great memories together. I always tried to treat her well and respected her need for space. I wasn’t overly clingy, never questioned who she was with, and always prioritized her safety. I gave her gifts, made her desserts, and was always available if she needed support.
However, she started questioning my behavior, saying things like, “This won’t work out in the long term.” I was willing to work through any issues, but we eventually argued, and our last conversation ended in tears. When I got home, I tried to calm things down, even taking blame to save the relationship. In hindsight, that was a mistake, as my intentions were always good, even if she couldn’t see them. We talked through text and seemed to reach a calmer state, and she decided to give our relationship another chance the next day.
But then, I woke up to a text saying she believed it wasn’t a good idea for us to meet up. She told me that while I’m a good man with a good heart, she thought I was emotionally immature and needed to find my way. Two weeks has passed since then, and I haven’t heard from her. She also deleted me on Facebook, although she hasn’t blocked me on Viber, where we used to communicate.
What confuses me most is that everything seemed to be going so well. She often told me things like, “I’m very glad you are in my life,” “I see a future with us,” “Everything is perfect,” and “What more could you ask of life?” Despite these positive affirmations, it feels like she self-sabotaged and rejected anything good in her life. Now, I’m trying to understand her better, especially her attachment style. She once mentioned she was avoidant, while I am more secure, but I didn’t understand these styles well enough at the time to recognize any issues.
She had a difficult childhood with an alcoholic father who was absent and a manipulative mother who sometimes locked her out of the house. She also had two abusive relationships—one where she was hit and another where she was stalked after the breakup. During our first serious disagreement, she didn’t want to talk to me and made me wait all day for her to be ready. She said she closes off and retreats into herself, which is what happened during our breakup.
I genuinely believe she ruined everything herself. Many things didn’t make sense, but I could tell she cared for me a lot. It would have been easier to understand if she had simply lost interest, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. How can someone break up with a person they wanted a future with and who treated them well, only to give up at the first sign of difficulty? From my understanding, she might have a fearful avoidant attachment style. What do you think?
On another note, she left during the hardest period of my life. I lost my mother to cancer—my most important person with whom I had a perfect relationship. I’ve also lost my job due to the stress. We were officially in a relationship when all this happened. Despite knowing how hard life was for me, she chose not to try and left after about a month.
People often tell me to “move on” or “don’t care about those who treated you like that,” but it doesn’t cut it anymore. My girlfriend was one of the few good things in my life, and now I’ve lost my mother, my job, and my girlfriend. The pain is becoming unbearable.
I am trying to implement no contact for a week now but i really want to communicate cause things just ended abruptly without any attempt from her to fix them. The pain is too much too handle along with the loss of my mother and it is not as easy to move on at the moment. I do believe we had a great future and it is devastating. I do not know what to do and frankly lose my will to live at this point cause nothing seems to be fun anymore and only pain exists.
Many of her reasons for the break up were quite absurd and could have been resolved and at the very least we could try and not just say this wont work out in the future. I can not handle any more suffering. 2024 is going like shit at the start of the year i lost my lovely dog then lost my mother then lost 2 jobs and then lost my girlfriend and all that while i battle anxiety and some form of depression.
I do not know how much more pressure i can handle to be honest (while passive suicidal thoughts have past my mind i refuse to give up and lose to the shit life throws me also i love the rest of my family and friends too much to do something like that) but things really need to get better ASAP
Loving myself and moving on with all that shit going on in my life does not seem to cut it anymore.
Hi Bio.
Things started falling apart when the relationship go through the infatuation phase and required work. Arguments became difficult, causing her to withdraw emotionally. Her problem-solving skills weren’t good enough for a serious relationship. If she had a fearful avoidant style, you would have noticed her inability to reciprocate love sooner. Your personal problems didn’t bring her closer to you because she didn’t sympathize. She felt stressed and burdened by them and decided she could be happier alone.
A lot of bad things happened this year. I know it’s hard, but try to focus on things that are working. Remember the people that do love you and give your life meaning. You can always find a new girlfriend. I’m sure you will and that it will be better than your ex-girlfriend. It’s hard to see this right now, but mark my words that life will get better.
You have to love yourself more than any othe person. If you do, your relationships will be much healthier and more stable.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello Zan I frankly doubt you or anyone know how hard it is right now. Yesterday we also lost our cat. It is a year that i lost my dog my cat my mother my job and my girlfriend . I am tired of “moving on”. I hope she reaches out cause it seems to me like she ran away from the problems (which werent even hers) I want her to reach out and not vanish in think air and have to move on .Moving on requires a lot time and self love and energy and frankly i do not have any more patience or energy for that shit and i do not really care. All my life i have been moving on from bad stuff I ve lost many close relatives and had a quite bad dating life. I do not want to move on enough is enough . Im only living for my family (whats left) and my friends and because i refuse to give up but life sucks and i dont care about it anymore . “it will get better” oh really? everything is better than that in a comparison but does not mean it will be good. Sometimes i really wish i would have never been born now im on a constant suffering for no reason . I was too good of a partner very loving and ethical with no intentions of hurting her and leaving her all the space she wanted. I do not deserve any of this.
Hi Bio.
You don’t deserve it, but sometimes bad things happen to us. We must push through them. I encourage you to talk to other people who went through a lot recently. You may find closure and learn how to cope with it better.
Stay strong,
Zan
I have been going through the terrible breakup situation, and it’s so pathetic.
In 2017 there was this nice and lovely girl, that has just rented a flat in Poland, and invited me to come over to hers… She promised me a lot of things, amazing sex together, and that we will go abroad and start a new life together.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough money for a train ticket, to go to her… And she lived quite far from me. She never liked the fact, that I don’t have a job. After a 3 weeks of speaking, where we talked about our sexual life and a future together, she started speaking to her male friend again, on the phone. Suddenly, she had stopped contacting me so often. I started to feel real grief and sadness, that she choose somebody like this guy over me :/.
So then I did the worst thing I could have ever done, I sent our conversations to her friend, our chat about sex and a future together. Later that didn’t do anything, I started to send her long love e-mails, I sent like 80 love e-mails over a week… Didn’t change my miserable situation…. Later I started to provoke her and do stupid things to her, like really stupid… Editing photo of her face…. It’s a tragic sad story. Why have I done that….
so she stopped speaking to me completely and disappeared… Today 6 years had passed, and I still miss her… Thinking about her for years have ruined me mentally…. She never really understood why she made me suffer… She asked me why do you suffer because of me? What have I done to you?
She has just left me, but in my head, she was the girl of my dreams… I had a chance to go to her and go to bed with her… She often fantasized how she has a teddy bear in her bed and hugs to him and imagines that it’s me… I wasted my great chance for a nice girl like her 🙁
Some time ago, someone on internet, who also takes the piss out of me all the time, told me that she has got a family now, 2 kids and a husband that she loves :/. She is like my age… I don’t know if that’s true, but 6 years have passed, I have been begging and suffering for years, but that didn’t help me with anything.
Every evening and every morning I think about her, and I tell myself how upset I am, that I am still alone, I could have been with the girl of my dreams right now, but my pathetic behaviour made her go away from me, I pissed her off very badly.
6 years later and I still keep lying to myself, that maybe she is still single, maybe she still fancies me… But she completely stopped speaking to me and disappeared. Changed her e-mail, didn’t answer my phone calls.
This breakup and my pathetic behaviour ruined me mentally… Most of the days when I have her again my head, I just feel like going to sleep and staying in bed forever… I still think about killing myself, but of course that’s not the option… If I failed a relationship like this, then can I ever meet a woman, that I am gonna truly love with my heart and have a family with her?
I am 28 and still a virgin, I don’t know what the sex is…. I don’t know how to forget about her… Everything that people on internet tell me about her is depressing me… That she never cared about me, that he has got a family now, she loves someone else, had kids… While I think about her I miss her, someone else probably touches her and is in bed with her, and I just keep lying to myself… Somebody said that I have wasted my chance, my life my time, but her husband doesn’t waste time like I have, and already have made her 2 kids, and shags her all the time ;(
I don’t know if I am ever going to get over this loss 🙁
My family and friends they all say that she is a slag, but I could have had a beautiful time with bed with her, but I have wasted my chance, 6 years have passed and unfortunately the worst has happened :(. My begging didn’t do anything :(. She decided to stop contacting me for good :(. I miss her so much, but she doesn’t even want to speak to me anymore. I am still shattered, I suffer mentally so much, I don’t think I am ever going to recover. I won’t forgive myself losing her till the rest of my life… I have already felt like I have wasted my life, and things probably won’t get better :(. If she only could speak to me, like back then, I would be the most happy person on this planet, but she doesn’t want to :(. She is giving the happiness to someone else 🙁 She was too beautiful to be true for me 🙁 She dumped me 🙁
Hi Phil.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re obsessed with a false image of this girl. It’s not the real her. You love the idea of her and what the relationship could have been like. You convinced yourself that she was the perfect girl for you even though millions of girls have similar if not the same traits. You should sign up for therapy and figure yourself out. When you understand why you became so obsessed, you’ll be able to heal once and for all.
Also, when you meet some other girls, you’ll see that your ex wasn’t perfect and that you needn’t beat yourself up for not ending up with her.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
We weren’t in contact for 6 months then he invites me to an event to catch up as friends. When we caught up he told me that he intended to see me as a friend but realised after seeing me that he still has a soft spot, feels affectionate towards me and is sexually attracted to me and is not closed off to something more serious between us.
I was caught by surprise since the first time we were together he was afraid of commitment and we weren’t able to progress forward. I told him that I was happy to just go slow and be friends in that moment (I think I was still jaded from last time and keeping my guard up.) and he told me he would struggle to be just friends and I told him that I didn’t want a FWB situation. A few days later upon reflection I called him to let him know that I felt like I also wanted to spend more time together and that I’m open to something more serious happening between us too.
He then does a 180 on me a few days later and tells me that he feels too scared to proceed as all of his fears of commitment are coming up again and he is not sure if we are compatible or not and not willing to give it a go. He said that me telling him that made him feel nervous and now I am confused because he made the first move with me not the other way around but when I reciprocated he freaks out. I tell him that we can’t stay friends anymore since it’s so confusing and we aren’t acting like friends plus being friends isn’t the kind of relationship that would work for us.
I am hurt and confused asking myself why he came back in the first place – was it just to use me? When I was doing so well and we ended amicably now I feel we can’t stay friends.
I have very strong feelings for him and am empathic to his fears and hoped for us to work out / through them together. But the constant pull back and rejection was impacting my self esteem.
Thanks,
Jade
Hi Jade.
The guy didn’t work on himself, so he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. He only thought he was because he hadn’t seen in you half a year. The emotions he felt were powerful, but temporary. Love, unfortunately, didn’t return.
He should have stayed away from you and let you heal. This time, stay away from him for good, Jade. Don’t let him drag you back into this mess.
Sincerely,
Zan
I have just parted an 8 month relationship. Long story short. She is going through the final stages of a divorce and told me her children arent happy about her been in a relationship and she decided to end it. We told each other we loved each other numerous times, shared so many happy memories. I wanted a future with this lady. Once she told me about the situation. I said if you dont want to be with me anymore to call it off. For weeks after she was still expressing her feelings towards me. Then she finally called it off. She said the kids were back to their usual happy self and that the happiness for her children she was putting before her own happiness.bare in mind her children are young adults and have there own relationships. She told me to find a lovely lady and to not wait for her. As i said i would wait for as long as it takes. She said ive been amazing in every way and so patient and understanding and basically said for me to move on and dont bother waiting for her. But i really am not emotionally available for anyone else. Ive accepted its over and i haven’t contacted her since. What has mashed my head is the fact i said to her straight away for her to call it off is she needed to , yet she kept telling me after i gave her the easy way out that we could sort things out and she loves me. She only sees her future with me in it. I dont know if this lady is so stressed that she is confused and has just sidelined me . Ive respected her and have a lot of respect for her. If she didn’t love me the same and was unrequited love and she felt that she didn’t want to upset me by saying that then why not say its over when i gave her the first opportunity to say so. Since her last contact message i sent a last message to her when she called it off and told her to take care . Ive left it at that . I dont understand how its come to this. Im hoping no contact will bring her to me one day and i will continue to get on in life and be as happy as can be without her the best i can, Ive told her how i felt in detail and she Atleast knows. It broken me and is very confusing to me as why its gone the way it has
Hi James.
This will be hard to hear, but she doesn’t love you anymore. She’s saying those magic words out of courtesy and guilt. She came back because the kids pressured her. Obviously, she wasn’t happy and wanted space. If she saw a future with you, she’d be working on it with you. She wouldn’t be dating others and risking losing you.
So do what you have to, James. Go no contact and let time and distance heal your wounds. This woman needs to explore other options and fail before she can reflect and realize your worth.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I just read your article, one of the best reads I came across when running through my thoughts on this topic. Thank you so much for your insight!
I was seeing a guy for almost 2 months, A month in I asked to be exclusive, initially he said no I’m not looking for anything serious and explained why (couldn’t sleep around and meet new people for a few years during lockdown living with family so finally exploring freedom I guess). I told him, the person I was seeing sleeping with other people was a dealbreaker for me and he asked me if he thought we would work long term (I didn’t realise why he was asking me this at the time, but now I know his mindset is, I would only consider being exclusive if it was worth being locked down with someone). I brought up the main aspects of compatibility like political values, stance of children, love languages and we seemed to be in agreement. After some time that evening at dinner he agreed to be “exclusive” which in his definition is to not sleep with other people, he told me I was stunning, highly educated, great on all around and that he “couldn’t let me go”. Cut to a week and a half later, he starts to feel slightly distant, I got worried that he was having second thoughts about being exclusive considering he made a decision that same evening I brought it up. The last morning after I had stayed over his for the night, he tells me that he’s met up with people but never brought them home to sleep, but he realised he wanted to not be exclusive, not just because of sex but because he likes talking and meeting new people, not because i’m not enough but because he’s not ready to be “tied down” yet. He asked me if I could do casual dating instead because he wanted to keep seeing me but not ready for more (and doesn’t want to cheat). He also said that for him to be exclusive it would have to be for someone he saw as a long term partner, and his reasons for not seeing that in me was because of our 5 year age gap (i’m younger), he felt like I would be going through life experiences he’s already been through, i’d want to travel to countries he’s already been to, and have to hang out with my younger friends he wouldn’t have much in common with. These are fair points but I feel like he has these preconceived ideas about me as a younger person (24 years old), even though I knew what I was doing pursuing an older guy. I also feel like his reasons for me not being a long-term partner are either excuses to not commit or he’s holding something back to not hurt me. I knew I wanted someone older, experiences, who have been planning their futures already (e.g: savings, well travelled, developed hobbies etc, something i’m attracted to and have enough of myself despite my age) instead of guys my age, but perhaps my youth and hyper-femininity brought out stereotypes. Since the first date we immediately had great chemistry and everything felt easy and we both felt comfortable around each other right away, but he never really tried to get to know me because he probably didn’t think he needed to, and that’s why he has these assumptions.
He still follows me on IG and was vocal about his attraction to me and my sense of style, do you think posting more on my IG + no contact indefinitely will get him to reach out again wanting to try exclusivity since he knows its what I want?
Hi Jessica.
Posting on socials probably won’t have the kind of effect you’re hoping for. It won’t make the guy want to commit to you. He’s not at a stage where he can commit to women yet. He’s still in “player mode” and will remain there until he feels the urgency to settle down.
You should heal and find someone compatible with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My husband of 7 years (and we dated for 5 years before that) asked for a divorce last week and moved out. We are both 27 years old (we were high school sweethearts). We have a 2 year old son. This past year he has changed drastically. He started spending almost all of his time either at the gym or out with friends at bars and hanging out. After issues with family and his career beginning of 2022 I believe he started to get depressed and he found joy in being with his (all single and divorced) friends. He went from spending most of his time with me and our son to never being around. I got stuck doing literally all the childcare and housework. Even when I really needed him (like when i went through a miscarriage) he was not around. He became so focused on getting fit and going out with “the boys” for drinks. He even texted a few girls though it never led to anything. Even his family has said he has changed so much and they don’t understand why.
He mentioned multiple times during the year that he wanted more freedom and didn’t want to be married, but i begged him to stay and promised to not complain about him going out all the time and to fix all of my issues. I truly just let him be. I’m actually really happy with the growth i went through. I learned about my anxious attachment and his avoidance and worked on my issues. But even with me literally doing everything for him and letting him have as much space as he wanted, he wasn’t happy.
He even said last week that i’m an angel and that no one will ever be as amazing as i am, and that he has no clue why i want to be with him after all he’s put me through but that he is just not happy being married and he needs to be on his own. It’s just so crazy to me because just last year he was the most devoted husband and father and though we had some issues we were genuinely happy. He would even give his friends crap for going out all the time, but now he’s doing the same dumb stuff they were.
Okay, long backstory over… what do I do? I would love to get him back, mostly for my son so we can be a family, but he has been pretty mean and neglectful this past year so i know I deserve better. I’m just hoping that since he moved out he will realize what he gave up and come back and actually put effort into our relationship and family. I miss the man i fell in love with years ago.
I have to be in contact with him because of our son, but I keep it as minimal as possible. Is this best? Also, if he does reach rock bottom and decide that the single bachelor life isn’t what he wants, how should I respond? I love him but i do need him to step up and put family first (not drinking and hanging with friends every day) for us to work. I’m just devastated and I really don’t want this divorce. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Hi Brittany.
You may not agree with me (yet), but your husband did you a favor. He wasn’t of much use to you recently as he lost sight of what was important, so he removed himself from your life and gave you a chance to stop stressing about him. This guy wasn’t happy because he wanted to live as if he was single. He despised responsibilities and probably getting married so early as well, so he wanted to re-experience a life with no commitment. You did so much for him, too. He took it all for granted because he wasn’t at a stage in life to appreciate a good woman. He’ll need to learn his lessons the hard way.
Right now, he’s in control of things and must get what he wants. He wants space? Give it to him. But if he wants to talk about random things, that you’re not required to do. Show him that his decisions have consequences and that you won’t degrade yourself any longer.
If he regrets breaking up, you need to make sure he’s ready to work on himself and be a responsible individual. He needs to return the power her stole from you and listen to everything you say.
Kind regards,
Zan
Great article. Just wanted to add a few stats of my own to the discussion because some of this surprised me. I know this might be impossible to do, but I’d love to see the recontact stats by attachment type because I think that would explain a lot of the variance.
I’m secure attachment, mostly thanks to really good parents, little merit of my own. I’m 41/m and have always been a relationship guy: I’m picky about who I date and unlike most men I don’t like casual sex and one night stands – if I go on a date and don’t want to see the girl again, I don’t bother sleeping with her even if she wants it.
I’ve been in ten relationships, eight of which lasted more than two months. In both the short relationships I was the dumpee; in all the long relationships I was the dumper, though twice I was forced to do it against my desires because the girl cheated. (One of these was a ten year marriage in which my DA then-wife, who had been in DA remission for about eight years, had an affair while I was badly sick with what the docs thought was a pituitary tumor.)
After both short relationships the girls never contacted me again. (I guess they aren’t really breakups after a month or two, more just being filtered out.) After all eight long relationships, I never contacted the girls again except to respond to them with a no (well, my ex-wife was much more complicated and drawn out, but it was no all the way). Seven of them contacted me – the eighth is TBD, we just broke up – and five of those wanted to date again or even get married, overtures I rejected every time. This includes multiple DAs and FAs, so they can definitely reach back out!
I’m curious to hear from fellow secures here, but personally when I break up I break up because I’m done, I’ve thought it through, and I’m very clear why. I’ve never missed any of the exes I voluntarily broke up with, but I did have some chemical/hormonal addiction to the ones I was forced to break up with and keeping away from them was much harder, like kicking cigarettes or Diet Coke level hard. (I managed to do it both times, but ugh, it sucked. It’s especially hard because you want to get your pride back after the cheating and part of you thinks you can do this by reclaiming the girl, but of course DO NOT DO THIS, it just embroils you that much deeper in hell and delays the inevitable.)
My experience might be because almost everybody I’ve dated has been insecure attachment. These women have been sexually much hotter – which is why I keep doing this to myself, sadly – but relationally I lose a lot of interest in and respect for the girls because they won’t/can’t change. (I married my DA ex-wife because she did change, or at least seemed to; it was awesome while it lasted.)
Anyway, I’m wondering if it’s mostly insecure dumpers who reach back out because they dumped when they were in an altered state or because some primal fear was triggered. Would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this.
My bf broke up with me after 4 months of dating/relationship (we met once a week and every other weekend) due to him feeling that he didn’t love me enough to continue. He said that he didn’t miss me enough when we were apart.
So… I was heartbroken. To me (and from what he’s said to me) we’re a match in every way.
I did no contact for a little less than a month and my ex reached out to me and said he missed me. He said that there was something between us that was unique and that he couldn’t let go of. We decided to meet up and had dinner and the result was that we were going to continue our relationship but I said (being the dumpee) that I had some things I wanted to talk to him about first. Like what I needed to be able to trust again and so on so we decided to meet again three days later. When we met the next time, I was dumped again. The reason for it is that he says that he wants to be with me, but can’t due to his mental health at the moment. He divorced his ex a year ago (but legally half a year ago) and in his previous relationship there were two kids that he had taken care of since one was 6 months and the other one 3 yrs (they’re now 11yrs and 14yrs old). He says that he doesn’t know how to work out the equation with having kids (that aren’t his biological kids) and a new relationship and how to mix these two. He keeps saying that he wants to be with me but can’t work out this equation. He said that he got afraid of going into our relationship, and he is afraid to disappoint me or not give me enough time. Even though I’ve said that there are no issues with me and him seeing his kids.
So we’ve been communicating like friends but a little more than friends (but without seeing each other) until yesterday. He had a full day with his kids and some friends on Friday and did not once reach out to me (a text would have been nice), he says that when he’s with “his” children he is in a bubble. So I decided that it was time to say goodbye.
But… I still have very strong feelings for him and I want to be with him.
I’m thinking of trying to move on, but I feel that if he would come back again, I would have a hard time resisting him and I don’t want to play with the emotions of a new date. Should I give him another try? I’ve said that I’m not interested in being friends with him, it’s either a relationship or nothing. Will he reach out a second time?
People make time for the things that they want. If he were truly sure about you he’d figure it out. He just seems like he’s still unsure and still willing to breadcrumb you until he either discards you completely or decides he does want to be with you. Staying in touch with him is just giving him the validation that you are not going anywhere and he can continue to be unsure and wishy washy for as long as he wants. My advice would be to pull your time and energy away from him and direct it towards yourself. Don’t give this person any more space in your life unless he definitely wants to give you the relationship you deserve. If he indeed does come back with a true offer……TAKE IT SLOW and don’t agree to anything. Allow him to show you with his actions that he is not wasting more of your time, if it’s more of the same I would honestly just move on. You deserve so much better.
Hi Mary.
You shouldn’t give this guy another chance. He had a good chance to show regret and make it up to you. Sadly, he wasted it. I’m fairly certain that he stopped trying and that he won’t invest in you in the future. Guys who are sorry show it. Every chance they waste, they become less determined their ex is the one.
Sincerely,
Zan
I dated a woman and we both loved each other a lot but after 1.5 years into the relationship, I was cast with bad luck and a stye appeared on my eye and I wasn’t able to open my eye which caused me to be depressed & feel horrible. Covid was also on-going so on top of my anxiety to get it removed, there were backlogs. A year ago, she almost broke up with me because she felt underappreciated. I told her my eye has been stopping me from doing a lot. She told me she can’t handle this for another year. Well, Fast forward to May 2022, I was planning to finally get it removed so I can have the energy to put more effort into the relationship. My surgery was backlogged until December but she broke up with me in September stating how: She cares for me but my eye isn’t an excuse anymore. Nothing has changed. Basically, because of the way my eye changed my behavior, she no longer saw a future in me so I’m crushed. I told her I can work harder & make a plan to make it work in the meantime and she took 3 days to think about it. Ultimately, I got a text: she said she doesn’t want to try again. She hopes I can understand. She just wants to focus on herself right now. This was our first relationship and it lasted 3.5 years.
TL;DR Had stye on my eye for 2 years and it created a rift in our relationship. I broke a NC after two weeks to explain my eye situation (not expecting a reply). I did a lot for her in the past and she can only see the negatives when she wanted to break up. Haven’t gotten a reply since the message (2 weeks) but she hasn’t blocked me or unfollowed me on social media either.
Hi Kirby.
Your anxiety and depression exhausted your ex emotionally. She felt pressured by your lack of energy and ability to handle stress, so she became stressed herself. Emotional health is contagious in a relationship, so you must ensure you’re healthy before you get into a relationship.
Now you must leave her alone to process the breakup and see that you’re doing better. It could take her a very long time, so don’t wait.
Best regards,
Zan
I just went through a breakup with my first love. We were eachothers first everything, and the relationship was great we were together for 1 and a half years. This summer however our contact was rlly limited because of his programs and school and being apart caused us to argue a lot. He told me it was starting to affect his mental health and warned me about his thoughts on breaking up. We even had a whole conversation on how to healthily communicate things that makes us upset. Things went back to normal, the day he broke up to me was a great day as well I felt so loved but I got upset over something stupid and told him off. He snapped at me for the first time and broke up with me. He blocked me on everything right away. I called his friend the day after and he said that my ex had nothing but respect and gratitude for everything I’ve done for him. He said he’d call me and talk to me for closure when the time is right but I made a dumb decision a week later to go all the way to his college to try and apologize. He wasn’t there but when he found out I went he was mad and said he doesn’t know if he wants to meet up with me and talk about what happend anymore. It’s been a month since he’s broken up with me and 3 weeks since I’ve tried to contact him and I’m just in so much pain. He was the kindest guy I knew, I didn’t expect him to be so severe about a breakup. I’m scared I messed up my chances of closure by going over there. I just want to have a conversation with him so I know he doesn’t hate me and we can end in good terms. Ofcourse him getting back together with me is the dream scenario bit right now I just really really want him to talk to me again. I was planning on texting him Oct 1, but I decided to put a stop on it cause I didn’t think I was ready to reach out again out of fear of no response or being too early. And after this article I think I’m going to wait much longer. This break up has made me learn so much about how I am and my flaws it has allowed me to grow. I just hope I can tell him that one day. Thank you so much for this article, you really are wise.
Hi Ashley.
If he doesn’t want to talk about the breakup, you must get closure on your own. Write down your version of the breakup story and try to figure out what went wrong. After a while, you should realize that he couldn’t handle the stress and pressure.
Stay away from him forever, Ashley. You shouldn’t be chasing a person who doesn’t want to be with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
What ended up happening? Did you two meet up and have the closure you were looking for?
I agree time and distance is what you need, me snd my ex broke up in July after 2 years, we both got in contact very quickly after, and rekindled but all the wounds were still there and today we have broke up again, I was worried that we didn’t take the time but I went with my heart and not my head. This time, we both need space and time to heal, and if we are meant to be we will, just not right now
Hi Stacey.
You gave your relationship two chances. Now you need to let it rest so you can figure out why you keep breaking up and do something about it. It’s time for personal growth, not reconciliation. But you already know that.
Sincerely,
Zan
I was in a 4 month relationship. We were talking before the relationship for about 1.5 years. And she broke up with me twice. The first time she came back in a day. This is the second time Its long distance, is there a chance I will hear from her. Its been 3 weeks. We are also 10 years apart 20 and 30 years old.
Hi Mike.
This time, you’re dealing with a real breakup whereas the first time, she was merely doubtful. Although there’s always a chance she’ll come back, I wouldn’t wait for her. She needs to go through the breakup stages now.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hiya, this is a slightly different situation. I was dating a guy for the past month – it had been going really well (maybe getting a bit more serious too). We had a date planned and the week before I messaged him asking if he was still up for it and if we could change the day to Wednesday instead of Tuesday. He never replied! It’s been over a week (and the day of the date has now past) and he still has not messaged me. He has been online and posting a lot of instagram stories with his friends. I decided not to double message and see if he would message but still nothing. Do you think he is ghosting me or just pulling away for a bit? I really like him and hope he does message again – do you think he will?
Hi Sophie.
I think he’s ghosting you. Even if he replies, you shouldn’t immediately forgive him. If he’s ignoring you now, he could do it later too. He probably will in one way or another as he doesn’t seem to care.
Best to wait and see if he gets back to you.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan, thanks for your comment. He still has not messaged me but my friend saw him last night and he was very drunk. He told her about the situation (even though she did not ask) and told her that he did not want anything serious but he was sad I unfollowed him on his socials – why is he sad? Do you think he likes me still and may return to apologise and give things another go? Or do you think there is no hope he will return?
Hi Sophie.
He was sad because he had different expectations of the way the breakup would unfold. He probably hoped to be on good terms with you. Right now, it’s too early to tell if he’ll return. It’s best to let go of hope.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I just read your article, I’ve been binge-reading since the break up. After a 4-year relationship – we separated more than once because of his lies and infidelity – he dumped me as he did not love me anymore. He fell out of love after seeing me struggle to forgive and get past his last betrayal. To be honest, I’ve been suffering tremendously lately, I felt insecure and didn’t trust him. We fought a lot, spent time arguing and writing together his dissertation. After he submitted it, he broke up with me over the phone. Said something like “you’re unhappy with me, you’ll know it as soon as you find someone who cares for you” and hung up on me. Never heard from him since. It’s been 45 days. I cannot cope with the way he ended things. My stuff’s still at “our place”, I’ve got the keys but we live in different cities. He just vanished. I just cannot accept I won’t hear from him again. He’s probably busy with someone else, I can’t think of another reason for such a horrible behaviour.
Hi Annie.
He’s acting very immaturely. I hope his immaturity helps you see him for the person he is and allows you to detach from him once and for all. This person isn’t someone you’ll marry/stay with long-term, Annie. You’re still young, so build up your self-esteem and rest assured that there are more suitable men for you out there. You can do better than a cheater and a liar.
Sincerely,
Zan