Let’s be honest here. There’s nothing nice about breakups. They all suck no matter how, where, and why they occur.
But if there’s one thing that makes breakups more difficult than they have to be, it’s got to be when your ex leaves you over text and denies you the respect, empathy, and closure that you deserve.
This is because getting dumped by text drains you of your personal power and takes your ability to express yourself away. It also pummels your self-esteem to the ground and triggers anxiety that could be avoided simply by having a 10-minute breakup talk.
A quick conversation with your ex wouldn’t instantly take all of your breakup pain away, of course, but it’d at least make you feel worthy of an explanation and give you some pointers on where you went wrong and what you need to improve.
Your ex owes you that much whether you were nice to your ex or downright mean. You earned a proper goodbye months or years ago when you agreed to be in a relationship with your ex.
That’s why you needn’t blame yourself if you weren’t your best self throughout the relationship. You’re only human and are prone to making mistakes.
In all honesty, your mistakes aren’t even an issue here. Your ex didn’t leave you over text because of your flaws and weaknesses.
Your ex left you over text because of the way your ex thinks and acts.
Your ex was afraid of confronting you and seeing you react, so your ex chose a selfish path. One that allowed your ex to enjoy his or her smothered post-breakup life to the fullest and caused you to suffer in the process.
I know it hurts to get dumped by text by someone you’re in love with, but try to understand that it wasn’t your fault. It was your ex who acted like a coward and dumped you by text, not you.
You never asked for it. You fought until the very end.
In this post, we’ll discuss why dumping your boyfriend/girlfriend over text is rude and talk about what to say when you get dumped over text.
Why is breaking up over text wrong?
The reason why getting dumped over text is wrong is that you don’t get a chance to talk about the breakup and see if your ex truly cares about you as a person.
You get left in the dark with hundreds of questions.
It’s a given that your ex’s romantic feelings for you are long gone, but if your ex shows kindness and understanding, your ex can still help you absorb the shock of the breakup.
He or she can make you feel respected and offer you his or her support just in case you need it.
All your ex has to do is choose a good time and place (preferably when you’re at home and not busy) and tell you the bad news in person.
By doing so, your ex doesn’t catch you at a bad time and force you to lean on your family, friends, neighbors, or flatmates for support. Conversely, your ex can just give you the emotional support himself or herself.
Your ex may not like it and may feel so guilty for breaking your heart that your ex cries during the breakup, but it’s the price a caring dumper has to pay.
You were an important person in his or her life, so the least your ex can do is hug you and offer you his or her support.
Whether you take your ex’s support after the breakup, is, of course, up to you. But if your ex offers it to you, you at least get the feeling that you’re not completely alone in the breakup.
You have your ex to help you get through the storm.
And once you’re through the storm, you can then turn to your friends and family for long-term healing. They’ll be able to help you lose hope and distract you enough to detach from your ex.
I’m sure you agree that family and friends are great, but they usually aren’t of much use right after the breakup when it feels like you’re dying from separation anxiety and all you can think about is your ex.
You need your ex to help.
That’s why on the day of the breakup, a sympathetic ex can be much more reliable and helpful than any other person on the planet. Especially when it comes to accepting the breakup.
He or she can:
- help you understand that you’ve both made mistakes
- keep your self-esteem in check
- prevent you from experiencing strong withdrawals
- stop you from having anxiety attacks and developing long-term trust issues
- and make you feel listened to and cared for
Why do guys break up over text messages?
The reason guys break up over text is very straightforward. They don’t want to deal with an ex who smothers, angers, annoys, or reacts poorly to them—so they do what makes the most sense to them.
They rely on empowering emotions for help and ditch their partner.
By doing so, guys immediately shift their focus onto themselves and start feeling extremely relieved. They no longer worry about how to convey the news that they want to break up.
All they think about is that they’re once again free. Free from their exes and all the negative associations they’ve attached to their ex’s persona at the end of the relationship.
This is why we can say that guys who break up over text are looking for relief from pain that a delay in the breakup has caused them.
They essentially want the relationship to end so that they can once again be happy by themselves or with someone else.
It’s a shame that guys are often in such a hurry to leave that they don’t consider that breaking up over text is not helping anyone. It’s not helping their soon-to-be-ex and it’s certainly not helping them learn to deal with unwanted emotions.
Why do girls break up over text messages?
Girls break up over text for very similar reasons guys do. The only exception is that they’re highly emotional beings and that they as a result, often leave their partner with a bang.
At first, they start feeling victimized (unhappy, angry, betrayed, misunderstood, not listened to, etc.) and often express themselves that they’re not happy.
But when they see that nothing’s changed, they oftentimes feel that they deserve more and break up over text. They don’t do it to punish their partner, of course, but rather to stay in control of their emotions.
Just like guys, girls who break up over text also hate confrontations. But they tend to break up over text when their partner does something they don’t like.
Should I reply if I got dumped by text?
Even if your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife broke up with you over text and disrespected you, you should at least reply to your partner to acknowledge that you received the message.
You don’t need to show that you’re angry with your partner for leaving you over text because that won’t make you feel any better.
But a short acknowledgment that you accept the breakup and that you’ll be okay is something your ex-partner should hear.
Your ex needs to hear it so that he or she:
- doesn’t worsen his/her already negative image of you
- sees that you don’t ignore people
- sees that you’re mature and strong and that you’re going to move on quickly
A simple reply is something your ex deserves just as you deserve to get broken up with in person or over a call if you were in a long-distance relationship.
The point I’m trying to convey is that you should strive to be better than your ex. You should show your ex that you treat exes and people in general with respect and that you’re willing to listen to them.
What to say when you get dumped by text?
There really isn’t much to say when you get dumped by text. Your male or female ex has made a decision to leave you by text, so asking to see your ex and talk about it is out of the question.
Always remember that if your ex cares about you and wants to make your post-breakup time easier your ex will willingly do so. He or she will volunteer to help and offer you all kinds of support on a silver platter.
This includes:
- emotional support
- financial support
- physical support
- informational support
- social support
If your ex cares about you (and I mean truly cares about you), you won’t have to ask your ex for help. You won’t really have to say or do anything because your ex will feel bad for you and will want to take care of you.
You used to take care of your ex during the relationship, so your grateful ex will want to return the favor. Again, your ex won’t do this because your ex needs to but because he or she wants to.
That’s why there’s not much to say to an ex who dumps you by text. If you want to be kind and respectful (even though your ex doesn’t deserve it), be concise and get to the point right away.
Say something like, “Don’t worry about it. I saw it coming. I’ve already put your stuff in a plastic bag, so please pick it up this weekend or have someone do it for you.”
This reply will do many good things for you.
- It will tell your ex that you saw the breakup coming and that you’ve accepted it (high self-esteem).
- It will tell your ex that you’re moving on quickly and efficiently (ambitions and possibly new romantic opportunities).
- And lastly, it will convey to your ex that he or she is not worth your time.
However, if you don’t have your ex’s belongings or your ex yours, then the following reply could also help.
“Thanks for letting me know. I knew you hadn’t been happy recently (and neither have I). The breakup needed to happen so that we could both get what we deserved. I wish you all the best.”
Your ex may not deserve a polite response but don’t forget that your response mustn’t be a reflection of your ex’s attitude. It must be better than your ex’s so that you don’t pick up a bad habit of reacting poorly to your wrongdoers.
Consider the breakup a lesson and do what the most mature person you know would do.
So even if you’ve been with your ex for 2 years or longer, try not to get into a conversation with your ex after you get dumped by text. Instead, be brief and talk only about things that are in the interest of both.
Things like children, collecting personal belongings, sharing vehicles, etc.
To recap, here’s what to say when you get dumped by text.
Dumped by text after 2 years
I know it’s hard not to say something mean when you get dumped over text, but whether you got dumped by text after 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years, your response should always be the same.
It should always be kind and respectful so that you:
- handle difficult situations better than your ex
- do the right thing
- grow as a person
- show willpower, maturity, and self-control
- convey to your ex that life goes on
- raise the chances of your ex missing you and reaching out (if you want your ex back)
How you choose to respond to an unfair breakup will either shape you into a well-respected person or just into a person who merely reacts to injustice with more injustice.
The choice is always yours to make.
But if you decide to get back at your ex and take revenge, I can almost guarantee that you’ll have a difficult time transforming yourself into a better version of yourself and moving on.
You’ll struggle to learn your relationship lessons and most likely have difficulty accepting your improper behavior.
How to get over an ex who dumps you by text?
Getting over someone who leaves you by text isn’t easy because there’s always that lingering fear that your ex will forget about you and that you’ll never hear from your ex again.
Although it’s possible that you’ll never hear your ex’s voice again, the truth is that it’s highly likely that your ex will send you text messages at some point in the future.
I’m not saying this to give you false hope. I just want you to understand that exes like to appear out of thin air and disappear shortly after.
Some exes send messages a few times a year, and others, almost all the time. All exes are different in this regard, but in general, 90% of them remain in our lives to some degree and breadcrumb us.
This is why you need to know that getting over an ex who leaves you by text won’t be a cakewalk. It will be challenging and it will take time. You’ll likely have many questions for your ex and will want to call your ex and hear his/her voice.
When you feel the urge to do that, it’s of utmost importance that you don’t act on your emotions and call your ex. You need to stay in indefinite no contact so that you don’t impulsively reach out prematurely (before your ex is ready to talk) and smother your ex.
If you do end up reaching out, you’ll most likely trigger a need for space in your ex and push your ex further away. So don’t do that. Don’t reach out and cause more issues for both of you.
Let the rules of no contact guide you instead.
You’ll see that you can (and will) get over an ex who dumped you via text. But to do that, you’ll need to resist the temptation to reach out and eliminate all doubts about the effectiveness of no contact.
There will be days when you feel down and think you need your ex for closure, but try not to get fooled by your own anxiety.
If you do your best to focus on yourself, I assure you that you won’t need your ex to get closure. Yes, you could use your ex’s help to accept the breakup quicker, but if your ex appears smothered and doesn’t want to help, you’ll have a much better chance of getting over your ex on your own.
This is because begging and pleading with your ex and asking him or her to talk to you won’t help you heal. It will just make you more emotionally dependent on your ex for recognition and delay the time it will take you to get over your ex.
On average, it will take you around 8 months to heal and forget about your ex. But if you take the breakup seriously and focus on yourself, you can move on even quicker.
Not only can you move on quicker, but you can also improve your shortcomings, expand your social circle, strengthen your relationships, gain relationship insight, and turn into a person your ex would only dream of being with.
You can do all of that and more. But you must use your post-breakup time to your advantage and strive for a new beginning.
My ex left me by text and it hurt like hell
Some time ago, I had a job away from home and had no friends and family to talk to and bond with. The only person I could converse with and rely on was my girlfriend who was hours away in another city.
Since my days were long and my job required me to work 3 weeks on, 1 week off, there were times when I felt bored and lonely. I’d say I even felt depressed because the stress from work was taking a toll on me emotionally.
Due to the emotional struggles created by the job and my lack of social life, I struggled a lot to enjoy my days, so I did what most insecure, unhappy, or even depressed guys do.
I began to gravitate toward my girlfriend who had a much more easy-going social life—and wanted her to help me with my emotional problems. I didn’t say this to her directly because I didn’t want to appear weak and needy, but I nonetheless expected her to support me and tried to spend more time talking to her on the phone.
As my girlfriend, she should probably have shown love and support during this challenging period of my life and try to make me feel better. But because she was young (we both were), she perceived me as someone who needed her to be happy and put even more distance between us.
She felt smothered by my reachouts and, as a result, talked to me less every day.
Eventually, it got to the point where we almost stopped talking—and that’s when she broke up with me over text, saying that she “can’t do this anymore.”
I know that I needed to take care of my emotional well-being and that it wasn’t her responsibility to pamper me, but the least she could have done was show some compassion and reply to my text messages.
If she did, I wouldn’t feel like I was a bad person.
The message I’m trying to convey today is that if we’re kind to people during the relationship, we need to be kind to them after as well.
We especially need to be kind to those who love us and smother us because they are the ones who are going to suffer the most.
Thank you for reading this article. I’m curious to know if your ex left you by text too. If he or she did, what did you say to your ex? Post your story in the comment section.
After being close friends for 3 years and dated for 4 months, she dumped me by a callous text after I got on a train after helping her settle in her new accommodation.
I was alone on a train full of passengers and the environment overwhelmed me. My anxiety went through the roof and I was angry most that she thought it was ok to text me when she knew that I was not in the best place to receive it.
I hence said some awful things, most I don’t regret after how selfish she acted against my wellbeing.
Even after 2 years since it happened, I’ll never forgive her. While I respect that she wanted to end it, I will always be very angry with her for how callous she behaved after everything we went through.
She never picked up when I called her – only sent me texts.
I could not be friends with someone like that ever again and I’m not afraid of saying I hate her. She never apologised for how she did it when I was at my most vulnerable. To be clear I never want (wanted) an apology for her breaking up, but for how she did it. The pain was unbearable, and still to this day haunts me. Though she’s at least shown me how to be better than her.
Hi Luke.
She should have chosen a better time and way to do it. I suppose she listened to her emotions in the end and failed to show empathy and care. Remember this when you miss her. It will help you stay away from her and move on.
Breakups are extremely difficult for both parties. Dumpers tend to feel pressured and guilty, but they should still put themselves in their ex’s shoes and do what’s best for their ex.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex texted me goodbye. I responded with ” no worries, but please call”.
She never called.
I have walked away, done no contact and highly doubt she will reach out.
Meanwhile, I have gone from a 260 overweight guy to a 215 lbs badass. I have taken dance lessons, playing the best golf of my life and have a few girls interested.
I often ask myself, which would I want more……my ex…..or the new me?
It’s not even close.
Good riddance.
We dated for 6 months and he tried to dump me via text right before Christmas. I ended up convincing him the least he could do was call. The call wasn’t helpful. He was resolute and it wasn’t super helpful. All I know is that he got into a relationship too quickly after his break up with his ex (he did). He told me it wasn’t right for him right now and he didn’t think he should stay. He apologized for dragging me into it, etc. Told me he still has feelings for me and that the reason he didn’t want to call me was because he felt worried that I would somehow convince him to stay. He also felt it would stir up his emotions. I felt completely overwhelmed, confused and frustrated by the break up. I didn’t handle it the worst, but, I didn’t handle it as gracefully as I would have liked, either. I really wish I would have read this article first. I just WAS NOT expecting it nor was I thinking rationally at the time.
What’s funny is that a few hours later, I went to send him a text that was very much along the lines of what is in this blog. Something about how he made the right decision because if it wasn’t right for one of us then it wasn’t right for both of us…and how he was also right in that I deserved to be with someone who could give himself to me completely, etc. I explained that I didn’t see it coming was all and I wished him healing and happiness. I went to send it and it didn’t go through! The SOB BLOCKED me! I checked FB and he blocked me there, too.
I’ve been able to find out that 9-10 days after the break up he’s already flirting with another girl on FB. Of course, she’s local and seems perfect in every single possible way. I don’t know if there is anything really going on, though, because she seems like she’s healing from her divorce, plus she’s got kids and other responsibilities. Also, she just seems like a flirty person with no lack of male attention. So, I’m not sure if he’s just flirting to flirt with someone or if he’s actually trying to jump in with her…she’s certainly flirting back, but, I just can’t tell if it’s just her flirting like she does with any other guy or if there is something there. Either way, It’s been upsetting. I’ve been in no contact, although, his mom and I have had some contact. But, she initiated and we’re both keeping it on topics that don’t involve him.
I’m trying work on myself. Losing weight, getting together with friends… and getting back into my classes and working my business. I’ve also done some coaching sessions and counseling, etc. But, I’ll be honest, I’ve wanted so many time to reach out to him. During the break up, he accused me of some things that I felt were wildly unfair when we talked. Part of me wants to send a letter to “clear the air”…I don’t really have anything to apologize for but, I just hate the way we left it. I hate that he has these misconceptions about me concerning issues I feel are a pretty big deal and I never got to tell him how I really feel about those things because I didn’t have the chance. I feel so misunderstood. Also, in hindsight, there are just things I wished I would have handled differently throughout the relationship. That type of thing. But, everything I’ve read has (mostly) said that’s a bad idea. Truth is, I really want to hear from him…I know I shouldn’t. I know I should be mad as hell for what he did. And, I am. But, I loved this man. In your experience, do you think I will hear from him? Is there anything else I can do?
I have been dumped by text in October . She even didn’t say she wanted to break but instead she said she needed a « pause ». I don’t know why i answered directly « okey me too ». Its really not what i wanted. I loved her like hell. So i catch her by chance two weeks later and she didn’t want to talk to me. I run away without begging and pleading. Now i feel like i deserve better even i think of her 2/3 times per day . I think im between the anger stage and the neutral one . I let karma take of her and i dont need closure . I wanted to thank u Zan for all ur articles it helps me feel better and be a good person (best version) i think without u i would have done a lot of mistakes. So thanks
Hi Remy.
I’m sorry to hear that your ex broke up with the “pause” excuse. Women often use this excuse to dodge a difficult confrontation.
You’re in anger stage right now, but keep in mind that anger won’t last much longer. You’ll soon enter the neutral stage and feel much better.
I hope you get over her quickly and that you find someone who deserves you.
Stay strong, Remy!
Best regards,
Zan
Ive been dumped by text in October. She even didn’t told me she wanted to break instead she said she wants to take a « pause » . I don’t know why but i answered directly « ok me too ». It wasn’t what i wanted. I loved her like hell! So I saw her by chance two weeks later she didn’t want to talk to me . I run away from her without begging and pleading. So since mid October we are in no contact and Im starting to feel really better even if I think about her like 2/3 times per day. I really think i deserve better and let karma take care of her. So now im between the anger stage and the neutral one. Thanks Zan for ur attention.Without u i would have made a lot of mistake
Great job on getting this far, Max.
Your ex didn’t have it in her to end her relationship with you the right way. But despite that, you handled the breakup well and saved face. Stay in no contact and keep healing. You’ll get through the rest of the stages as long as you focus on yourself.
Best,
Zan
Zan, my breakup ending was very similar to yours. Almost a year later, I still hate myself for not knowing any of this and thinking that by chasing to talk and fix is the right thing. I hope she gets everything she deserves that worthless pos that she turned out to be. People like this are trash and belong to the streets. The real challenge is trying not to feel angry at yourself for looking like a fool when your intentions were in the right place.
Hi DK.
Don’t worry about the things you did wrong after the breakup. You followed your instincts and didn’t know better at the time. You were hurt.
As for not looking like a fool, these thoughts/feelings won’t last forever. Try to forgive yourself and move past it so that your actions stop having a negative effect on you. You can do it, DK. Focus on healing and forgiveness and don’t hate your ex. Pity her.
Best,
Zan
Hermione
You have demonstrated such class and dignity at such a difficult and painful time.
Thank you—I wish it would make him think more highly of me too—I still miss him but am trying to move on—in the meantime, I am learning a new sport, doing therapy, reading new books, and trying to work on self-improvement
This is so sad… breaking up through a text… but it’s such a helpful article as all others Zan! Thank you 🙏🏻
Yes, Linda.
It’s sad people don’t face their fears and do the right thing.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan, I was dumped by text and he offered to speak on the phone if I wanted to. I replied to his text with a gracious “Thank you for letting me know but I am disappointed you chose to share this via text—I would like to actually end this with kindness and respect and look forward to talking on the phone”
I can’t tell you how empowering this was for me! I spoke to him and told him how out of character and surprised I was to see such important information conveyed over text. I also told him that we aren’t in high school, we are mature adults and we promised to always treat each other with kindness and respect no matter what. He was very apologetic, even stated he did not have courage and how ashamed he felt about his actions. I told him I forgive him if he promises to never treat another woman like this in the future. I wished him well for his future and he wished me well. I didn’t beg, plead, close doors, role out the red carpet, or allow any space for losing my dignity.
Speaking to him after receiving the text was the best feeling—I felt free and relieved immediately after hanging up. Zan, was that closure? It helped my self esteem significantly since I believe I showed self-respect and didn’t allow him to disrespect me with a text. I am still left wondering but I have far more answers from that 12 minute phone call than if I just let his text go without a closure phone call.
Zan, what are your thoughts about this approach? Even 4 months out no contact since the breakup, I feel that I exuded grace, maturity, kindness, and self respect in that conversation. I have no idea how I did it in those 12 minutes because I was a basket case over him for a long time.
Hi Hermione.
Yes, you got closure. Fortunately, your ex was understanding of your needs and agreed to have a phone conversation with you. If he wasn’t mature and rejected your wish to speak to him, you would probably feel even more disrespected.
I’m glad things turned out the way they did. You can feel faster because of it.
Best regards,
Zan