If you have a best friend that you respect and care about, there’s one thing you must never do to your friend. You must never start dating his or her ex because if you do, you will make things uncomfortable for everyone.
Not only will you show your friend that you’re an opportunist who goes after friends’ exes, but you’ll also show your friend that you couldn’t care less about his or her feelings.
You’ll show your friend (and everyone who knows you) that you’re willing to date anyone and everyone as long as you can benefit from them.
The same goes for your best friend.
If your best friend is the one who’s dating your ex, your friend also shouldn’t have crossed the friendship line with your ex.
He or she should have been able to tell right from wrong from the beginning and have the willpower to pull away before things got messy.
Since your friend didn’t back away in time, it’s obvious that your thoughts, feelings, and opinions didn’t matter very much to your friend.
What mattered to your friend was that he or she is happy. Even if it’s at your expense.
Now that things are as they are, you’re probably wondering why your best friend of all the people in the world would betray you like that. You trusted this person like your family, yet you still got betrayed and mistreated in the end.
Allow me to say that your best friend is as guilty as charged and that the relationship between your friend and your ex didn’t “just happen” as people like to say.
There was clearly some planning and plotting and very little resistance on both sides.
That’s why you should probably re-evaluate your friendship with your best friend and discern if his or her move was ethical and in your best interest.
If it was and you don’t care who your friend dates, you might be okay with your friend getting physical with your ex and talking about your relationship skills, mistakes, and private matters.
You might have better things to worry about in your life. And that’s okay.
But if you’re not over your ex yet and if seeing your friend date your ex gives you pain or makes you uncomfortable, then you definitely don’t want to accept their behavior and stay around them as “just a friend.”.
In this case, you may want to have a discussion with your friend and say that something must be done about it.
Either your friend apologizes, shows respect, and stops dating your ex—or you distance yourself from both of them so that you can heal from the breakup and move on with your life.
I know that giving your best friend an ultimatum doesn’t sound like the best idea, but if you’re not okay with your best friend sleeping with someone you used to have an intimate relationship with, ending your relationship with both of them may be the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
That’s because it could help you get over the betrayal and consequently, allow you to find a new best friend. One that wouldn’t date your ex behind your back.
This article is for everyone who’s looking for information on what to do when your best friend starts dating your ex.
Why should your friend not date your best friend?
Your ex may not feel obliged to listen to your wishes, needs, and concerns, but your best friend definitely should. He or she is your friend – someone you can trust and confide in, which makes him or her by definition a person who is responsible for promoting your well-being.
It’s something your friend should do in person as well as over the distance when you’re not physically present because that’s what friends are for. They’re supposed to support us and be there for us whenever we want them or need them.
In all honesty, they should be there for us even when we don’t need them. Especially best friends.
They definitely shouldn’t be sleeping with our exes, hiding our past relationships from us, and pretending to have our backs when in fact, they’re only looking out for themselves.
It’s no secret that sleeping with your best friend’s ex is not friendship. It’s exploitation, manipulation, selfishness, and abuse.
This is why it’s safe to say that your friend doesn’t care about you as much as you’d like him or her to care. By dating your ex, your friend is just being selfish and disrespectful.
Your best friend is trying to benefit at your expense and doesn’t seem to be bothered by his or her immoral actions.
In my opinion, if you start dating your best friend’s ex, you immediately breach the friend code and show that you don’t respect your friend nor yourself. You show that you’re sly and that your view on relationships is not fully developed.
And for those of you who are thinking that your friend’s ex doesn’t belong to your friend, that may be true. But the thought of dating someone you wanted your friend to be happy with and maybe even have children with should repulse you.
If it doesn’t, you never really supported your friend. At least not as much you needed to.
Why is my best friend dating my ex
First of all, your best friend isn’t dating your ex to hurt you or to get back at you for something you did or didn’t do. Your friend is doing it because he or she saw your ex as an opportunity to get involved with someone new.
Your friend didn’t want to waste any time being single, so naturally, your ex who just came out of a relationship seemed like a good choice.
Whether your ex was a good choice is, of course, debatable, but one thing is for certain. Neither your ex nor your friend considered your feelings before they started dating each other.
They both merely acted on emotions and cravings, and as a result, got close to each other without your awareness or approval.
If you really want to know why your ex started dating your best friend, the simplest explanation is that your ex and your best friend knew each other from before (at least a little bit), so they got in touch with each other after the breakup and gradually developed feelings for each other.
At first, they probably just exchanged information and joked about things. But over time, they developed a bond and decided to give their relationship a try.
You should probably avoid asking them what they were thinking because you could get a “mind your own business response from them.” So instead, ask yourself what you’re going to do about it.
Are you going to be friends with them and pretend that it doesn’t concern you or are you going to do what it takes to recover from their actions and move on with your life?
The decision is yours to make.
But if I were you, I’d do my best to think rationally and make a decision that’s best for my healing.
What to do when your best friend hooks up with your ex
When your best friend hooks up with your ex, it’s probably a good time to consider your friendship with your friend and discern if it’s worth sticking around to see your friend go through the infatuation phase with your ex.
For me, it’s not worth it because I don’t condone immoral, self-centered, backstabbing behavior. I like to stay friends with people who I can trust – who I know will never start dating my ex behind my back.
And if I make a poor judgment and they start dating my ex, I definitely wouldn’t stay friends with them afterward. I would explain to them that dating someone I used to have an intimate relationship with is messed up and that they have an important decision to make.
As I mentioned before, they would either have to stop their relationship or I’d stop my relationship with them.
Bear in mind that this is not a threat or something I would say out of jealousy and spite. I would say it solely out of self-love and self-respect.
To me, relationships (past or current) are something I take very seriously, which is why I wouldn’t want my friends to meddle with them.
Especially not if I still had feelings for my ex and wanted my ex back.
In that case, I wouldn’t be able to give their relationship the support it needs because even if I wanted to support them, I wouldn’t be able to do so.
Emotionally, it would be impossible for me to accept them because I’d still be hurting over the loss of my relationship. I’d need months of time to fully recover.
So if you have a best friend who’s dating your ex who you still love, the best advice I can give you is to distance yourself from both of them. Neither your ex nor your friend truly cares about you, so you may as well stick with the people who do.
If you want to, you can peacefully convey to them that you realized they don’t respect you and that you’ll be staying away from them for the unforeseeable future.
This will tell them that you don’t approve of their relationship and to stay away from you.
However, if you don’t want to tell them anything, that’s fine too.
One of them will probably reach out to you eventually, and that’s when you can tell them that they treated you poorly and that you’d prefer if they didn’t reach out anymore.
No matter what path you take, do your best not to take revenge or anything like that because getting back at them won’t help anyone. It won’t help them and it certainly won’t help you.
All it will do is add more issues on top of the existing ones.
Let your best friend decide what’s best for him/her
If your best friend just started dating your ex who you have feelings for, it’s highly likely the thought of them being together hurts you. It makes you anxious and desperate for reconciliation, so you probably want to say or do something that brings them to their senses.
Before you try to do that, you need to understand that your best friend doesn’t want to be reasoned with nor reminded how to be a decent human being. He or she already knows that and is perfectly capable of making decisions on his or her own.
If your friend wasn’t self-sufficient. your friend would not have started dating your ex in the first place. He or she would still be single or perhaps with someone else.
So try to respect your friend’s decision (as improper as it is) and don’t say anything to your friend that could go against your friend’s desires. If you say something that isn’t in your friend’s best interest, you could badly infuriate your friend, your ex, or both of them at the same time.
You could bring a bad reaction out of them and consequently, start an argument or a war.
The truth is that your ex and your best friend know exactly what they’re getting themselves into. They know they’re hurting you and self-sabotaging their friendship with you, but despite that, they still chose their happiness over yours.
Perhaps it’s time for you to consider cutting them off so that you can prioritize your own happiness.
I can’t make this decision for you, but if you’re not happy with the way things have unfolded and you want the best for yourself and everyone involved, you may want to start accepting the betrayal.
The sooner you start investing in yourself and minding your own business, the quicker you’ll get over the people who hut you.
Is your best friend dating your ex who you still love? How does that make you feel? Leave a comment below the article.
This has happened to me. I was with my ex partner for 10 years and we had a blast. Then during covid we were apart most of the time . This did not help as I was fairly cautious but he wanted to carry on having illegal gatherings at his house. So at Xmas he didn’t even invite me- I had to ask to be invited then after being totally ignored I threw my dummy out of the pram and left. It was the final straw after 10 years of being a good girlfriend who never complained even when he wouldn’t come to my family events because he would prefer to be in the pub. I confided everything in my BF. Lo and behold a few months later he asked her out ( despite the fact he used to slag her off) and not only did she jump at the chance to gloat over me she also told him all the reasons I had left which I never even got to do myself! Now I find out he has moved her into his house after a few weeks. We never lived together properly for 10 years !!!! I can’t believe how much this has devastated me. So much I am having counselling to try and move forward in my life. And we are all in our 50’s !!!! It’s worse now than any of the crap I went through with men years ago. I am trying my best to move on but it’s not easy at my time of life. My true friends have been amazing but of course some if them are his friends too so they don’t want to take sides so I get left out of all the events I used to attend in the local club where we did most of our socialising. But most of all I feel totally humiliated even though I have never done anything wrong and always tried to be the best partner ever. I just hope there is a kind man out there who will appreciate me.
Hi Naomi.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope that next time a guy is so self-centered, you talk to him about it or leave him if talking doesn’t help. You shouldn’t put up with him and bend to his will.
Stay strong and continue to get therapy. It will help you detach and realize your ex doesn’t deserve you.
Best regards,
Zan
Zan, the wedding happened last month and while I had major anxiety attacks prior to the wedding and immediately after, it went very well. I stayed composed, happy and humble. I said hello to everyone, including my ex and my ex bestfriend. I even had comments from other people about how well I handled myself in light of the difficult situation.
In any case, I also didn’t find my ex that attractive anymore nor did I click with my ex bestfriend. It was like they were strangers.
We’ve hung out a few times since then with our mutual friends, and though it’s a bit weird, I honestly do not care anymore. I think it’s safe to say I’m officially over her and have moved on with my life.
In any case, thanks for all the good work you do. Your blog sustained me through one of the most difficult times in my life and helped me grow immensely. I have since used this knowledge and my experience to help my other friends who are suffering.
Thanks again Zan! 🙂
This happened to me and it was horrible, but I managed to navigate it with grace and I ultimately won!
I confided in my ‘friend’ about my ex, we’d been in an intense, soulmate relationship living together for years, but his childhood trauma caused him to shut down and break us up to get away from having to face it within our relationship. I was still completely in love with him but I gave him space. He had a rebound relationship that ended very quickly. I told her this, we discussed our exes and had a heart to heart.
The she met him via a mutual friend, right after he broke up with his rebound, and she started dating him. And she didn’t tell me for months! She finally told me and I very calmly cut her off and wished her ‘luck’. Our mutual friend warned her about his pattern too but she was adamant. Cue tons of social media posts about how ‘in love’ she was with him. I remained silent, secretly raged but kept it cool on the surface.
Then he dumped her about 10 months later and I was vindicated! I’m glad she showed her true colours, she turned out to be a selfish, self-absorbed, vacuous narcissist and I’m so glad she’s no longer in my life. She’s so incredibly untrustworthy and disloyal. My ex immediately began dating someone new after her and she was very upset, which I found hilarious! She deserves every bit of pain he causes her.
It absolutely paid off to take the high road. It hurt, I cried a lot, but I stayed strong and ultimately came out on top. I look back on it and I’m so proud of how I handled it. I was as gracious and mature as possible.
I’m now working on developing feelings of gratitude towards her for her behaviour so I can forgive. I will never let her back into my life or speak to her again, but I want to cultivate forgiveness internally for myself. It’s gonna be a long road but that’s ok.
I feel like this whole experience earned me some wisdom points. I’m like Yoda at this point.
Hi Ana.
I’m glad you controlled yourself and waited their relationship out. Had you got involved, you would have turned them against you. And that would have complicated things and made them worse. Your friend should never have dated your ex behind your back. It’s the most disrespectful thing a friend can do. She isn’t worthy of the title “friend.” It’s good you cut her off.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hey Zan,
I’m a 27 year old male, and this literally happened to me back in April 2020 – it was the worst thing imaginable and I am no longer friends with my friend, letting him go with love but cutting him off with brutal efficiency. I haven’t spoken to him in months and I am implementing no-contact with him as well.
From the beginning, I implemented No-Contact and began working on myself and fast forward to 9 months later, I’m ripped, doubled my income, now date multiple beautiful women, and now live in an amazingly stylish and massive two bedroom apartment. Life is very good, especially in these times.
However, I’m unfortunate enough to have to be in a wedding of a mutual childhood friend of ours, as a groomsman along with my ex (23 year old female) who is the maid of honor and my ex-BF (26 year old male) who is also another groomsman. To make it more spicy, the wedding is going to be held in the backyard of my ex’s parents. (you can’t make this shit up).
Obviously, this is some fucked up shit and though I’m close to over our relationship as I am very happy with my life, it sucks that I have to keep a part of this in my life (it’s taking place 6 months from now, so I gather that I’ll probably be more over it by then).
Overall, I think that I’m gonna focus on enjoying my friend’s wedding day and it will be quite satisfying to show off how much better I am than my ex-BF in front of her family, as they loved me and my ex-BF is quite short, fat and awkward, while I’m tall, good looking, ripped, and charming AF (I’m in B2B consulting sales, so I’m also fairly well-off lol).
In any case, I’m concerned with prevention of possible issues with my behavior, do you have any advice on handling the wedding, interactions with my ex and ex BF and family?
Any feedback would be spectacular.
JL
Hi Johnel.
Sorry for the super late reply. The wedding has probably already happened. If it did, how did it go?
If not, just act natural. Your improvements will speak for themselves. If you want to make a good impression, stay composed and humble and merely answer people’s questions about your new life. Don’t tell them how happy you are now. Happiness will show on its own.
Kind regards,
Zan
What if the best friend died ? Does the code still apply? In my opinion it does but l have been told otherwise
People shouldn’t date their friends’ exes. No exceptions.
Zan
This is the worst. I had a very dear friend of 15 years. I would, and have, done anything for him and he’s been a supportive friend to me for which I was very grateful for.
Right after I got dumped from my ex, I told my friend all the details of my recent breakup and how I hoped things would work out in the future with my ex. One week later, I unpleasantly discovered that my dear friend was hanging out with my ex. I was more upset with my friend then with my ex. The fact that he couldn’t man up and have the courage to tell me is what’s most upsetting. And after reflection, I’m now aware that he has a long history of going after mutual friend’s exes (6-8 different occurrences).
I even went so far to write a hand written letter to my dear friend, explaining that I felt extremely betrayed and that I would never do that to him. I asked him to wonder how it would feel if somebody did that to him? With all the pain, I told him I was more than willing to put our differences aside and to move on. His friendship of so many years meant that much to me.
And I never got any response. Nothing.
So much for our friendship.
I won’t lie. The breakup with my ex sucked. But the loss of a friendship that I truly thought was loyal, really hurt the most.
I’m better now. It’s been several years. And thankfully we’ve crossed paths, from a distance, only a few times.
I wish him no harm and only the best in health and happiness.
I could never live my life having that weight on my shoulders, to treat a loyal friend in such a harsh way. It that’s something he’s going to have to deal with.
If you’ve ever had a similar experience, stay strong.
This sounds almost exactly like my situation and yes, I agree. The loss of a best friend is almost worse than the breakup. Though long-term, it’s probably best that we let go a such a dubious person in our lives. It sounds like you handled it well, and I hope you are able to help those around you that are suffering from a similar situaton.
Such a good article! And messy situation as well
Thank you Zan for this 🤍
I hope you enjoyed reading it!
Zan