My Ex Is With Someone Else But Still Contacts Me

Updated on September 9, 2025

Is your ex with someone else but still contacts you regularly or once in a while? Does your ex’s behavior confuse you and/or hurt you? If it does, your ex likely wants the best of both worlds. He or she wants to enjoy the new relationship while keeping you around as a friend to talk to and rely on for various problems and benefits.

Your ex is used to talking to you, so your ex doesn’t want to simply cut you out of his or her life and forget about you. Your ex thinks that cutting you out is unnecessary and bad for him or her, which is why your ex contacts you occasionally and tries to keep the friendship going. Your ex knows that by holding on to you, instead of letting you go and heal, he or she gets the cake and eats it too.

He or she doesn’t permanently and completely stop interacting with you because he or she continues to get something from you. That something is friendship and the familiarity, reassurance, self-forgiveness, or closure it provides.

Whatever you do, don’t assume that your ex is reaching out despite being with someone else because something’s not going according to plan. If you think that your ex’s new relationship is struggling and that your ex is starting to come back around, you could start to believe that your ex is leaving the door open and waiting for you to suggest getting back together.

That would not only give you false hope and slow down your recovery, but also tempt you to wait for your ex’s relationship to crack and give you a chance to weasel your way into your ex’s heart.

Unfortunately, that’s extremely unlikely to happen. Your ex may contact you while he or she is dating someone else, but it’s probably not because your ex is having difficulty moving on. It’s probably because your ex is bored, lonely, nostalgic, guilty, ashamed, or worried about your health and well-being. If your ex appears happy, your ex likely wants your advice, support, or personality to make his or her day better.

Unless your ex is unhappy, anxious, depressed, uncertain, or regretful, you should think of your ex’s reach-outs as mere breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs mean that your ex wants or needs something non-romantic from you that increases your hope for reconciliation and strings you along. It increases your obsession with your ex at a time when you should focus on clearing your mind and detaching.

Always remember that dumpers reach out for their own reasons. Talking to their ex helps ease their guilt and gives them what they’re seeking. Usually, they want a sense of familiarity, aka a trusted friend.

So if your ex is with someone else but still contacts you, try not to jump to conclusions. Remind yourself that your ex doesn’t know or care what contacting you is doing to you emotionally, and that your ex will likely keep reaching out for as long as your ex respects you and you show interest.

You could stop your ex from reaching out today. All you have to do is tell your ex you’re not ready to talk and that you want to be left alone to think and process things. Your ex will probably understand and let you heal. Don’t expect your ex to know and do what’s best for you without talking to you. That’s something you’ll have to make your ex aware of.

This article is dedicated to dumpees whose dumpers are with someone else but still contact them.

My ex is with someone else but still contacts me

If your ex is with someone else, your ex is in a committed relationship with that person and shouldn’t be thinking about you, let alone calling or texting you. Your ex should be completely transparent with the new person and inform the new person that he or she is thinking about you and deciding whether to reach out.

Doing so would build trust in their relationship and help them get along better.

It’s hard for you to judge their relationship from afar and determine whether your ex is respecting the new person, but that’s not something you should worry about. Their relationship is their responsibility and shouldn’t concern you too much (or at all). What you should be worried about, however, is the way your ex’s reach-outs affect you (make you feel and act).

If they hurt you, confuse you, give you hope, or tempt you to reach out and do something that won’t help you reconcile or heal, you shouldn’t be tolerating breadcrumbs and waiting for your ex to do something about them. You should be taking control of them yourself by ensuring your ex doesn’t contact you while you’re emotionally dependent on your ex for security, self-esteem, and happiness.

There are many possible explanations for your ex’s breadcrumbing. Guilt is one of the most common reasons, as dumpers often regret the things they said or did to hurt their ex’s feelings. But it’s also possible that your ex feels nostalgic, misses certain parts of the relationship, and wants to talk about everyday things.

Things such as work, pets, parents, weather, politics, and shared interests.

Meaningless conversations reassure your ex that you’re not going anywhere anytime soon, and in turn, help your ex forgive himself or herself for dumping you and causing you pain. They also show your ex that you don’t hold any grudges and that you want your ex around as a friend or a best friend as much or nearly as much as him or her.

When your ex sees that you still care and want to chat, your ex feels reassured and might lose the urge to obtain your care or forgiveness. Your ex may lose interest altogether and move on with a clear conscience. Many dumpers stop talking to their ex when their ex shows that he or she is okay and doesn’t hate them.

I suppose they don’t have to feel bad for their ex and think poorly of themselves because their ex is doing just fine without them.

So if your ex is with someone else but still contacts you, keep in mind that your ex doesn’t see anything wrong with talking to you (an ex-partner). Your ex doesn’t see that texting or calling you is making you feel uncomfortable and causing you to analyze his or her words and actions.

Your ex probably thinks that you’re just as happy and willing to chat and that there’s no harm in it. That’s because your ex is content with how things are at he moment. Since your ex is already dating someone else, the two of you are in completely different emotional states.

Your ex is detached from you and eager to be with the new person, whereas you’re still in love with your ex and dependent on your ex for recognition. As long as you’re in different emotional states and want different things from each other, communication (especially frequent one) is extremely harmful to you.

It’s setting you back emotionally and making you stick to your ex for hope and recognition.

If you want the best for yourself, you have to take your ex’s ability to breadcrumb you away. You have to do it as soon as possible so that you can focus on yourself and find joy and purpose in life again.

I know it feels good to talk to your ex and learn more about his or her life, but talking is making things more complicated for you. Not only does it make you obsessed with your ex, but it also makes you think that something’s wrong with your ex’s relationship. You wouldn’t be reaching out to an ex if you were (happy) with someone else, so why is your ex?

You might think that your ex is having doubts and feels confused. While that’s possible, chances aren’t in your favour. It’s much more likely that your ex has unfinished business with you or wants to keep you around as a friend or friend with benefits. You shouldn’t agree to either, as it would lead to weeks or even months of emotional setbacks and unnecessary pain.

With that said, here are 5 reasons why your ex contacts you when your ex is already with someone else.

What does it mean if my ex is with someone else but still contacts me?

It can mean a lot of things when your ex contacts you out of the blue—or it might not mean anything at all. Dumpers often reach out for little to no reason at all—just to see if their ex (still) hates them. They have no intention of talking about getting back together and coming up with healthy solutions, as they merely wish to check up on their ex and alleviate their guilty conscience.

Usually, they get what they’re after indirectly without apologizing and expressing regret. They get what they want simply by talking to their ex and reading their ex’s attitude.

If their ex’s attitude is positive, they reciprocate their ex’s positive vibes and stick around for a while. But if their ex’s attitude is poor or not how they want it to be, they fight back, ignore, or just leave. They typically don’t waste their time if they feel that their ex isn’t behaving in line with their needs or expectations.

This means they’re not reaching out to help their ex but to get something out of him or her. Something only their ex can provide. From my observations, dumpers usually feel curious about their ex, so they break the silence and ask their ex about his or her new life. They seek information to satisfy their curiosity and once again focus on themselves and others.

That explains why they often reach out, talk for a while, and disappear afterward. Once they obtain the information they want and/or feel forgiven (meet their needs), they shift their focus back to themselves and forget about their ex for a while.

If your ex is with someone else but still contacts you, you need to keep your longing for your ex under control (and to yourself). Do this by understanding that your ex doesn’t want to get back with you. Your ex isn’t contacting you to see if he or she can regrow romantic feelings and return to you in case the new relationship fails.

Your ex has ulterior motives that have nothing to do with reconciliation. Only your ex knows what they are, but you can discover them too if you pay attention to how your ex interacts with you.

If your ex apologizes or asks about your health and well-being, your ex feels guilty. If your ex inquires about your life or a new dating prospect, your ex feels curious or jealous. And if your ex gets hurt or angry, your ex feels disrespected and victimized. Learning your ex’s reasons for reaching out despite being with someone else could help you avoid making breakup mistakes and encourage you to stay on your path to recovery.

Try to remember that dumpers don’t have, nor need, backup plans. They’re happy to be on their own (or in your case), in love/attached to someone else. This means their focus is on the new person, and that nothing and no one else matters to them.

The only time they start thinking about getting back with their ex is when they’re done or almost done with their new relationship. That’s when they start reaching out, talking about the past, apologizing, expressing regret, and making plans to get back together. They normally come back very quickly (in a matter of days) as they’re in pain and need immediate care, affection, support, and love.

Your ex isn’t choosing between you and his/her new partner

If your ex is with someone else already but still contacts you as if it’s a completely normal thing to do, it’s safe to say that your ex isn’t a very mindful individual. He or she is someone who lacks the ability to put himself or herself in your shoes (as well as the new partner’s) and realize that breadcrumbing is confusing you.

Your ex probably thinks that he or she is entitled to friendship and that friendship is what you want. Your ex doesn’t realize you’re not ready to be friends yet and that you’d rather focus on yourself and the people who love you and support you.

Real friends don’t trigger your separation anxiety, uncertainty, fears, and hope for reconciliation. They give you the kind of support that distracts you from the breakup and encourages you to forget about your ex.

While you’re worrying about your ex’s reasons for contacting you, your ex isn’t worrying about any of that. He or she is just doing what seems right in the moment. And what seems right is to contact you when he or she thinks it would benefit him or her.

If your ex had your best interests at heart, your ex would have left you alone to heal. It would probably make you wonder if your ex even loved you and why it was so easy for your ex to stay away from you. But at least you’d be able to process the breakup peacefully without unnecessary reminders and emotional setbacks.

You wouldn’t have to keep responding to your ex and thinking that your ex may still feel something for you.

If the breakup happened recently, remind yourself that your ex may be reaching out to appease guilt and to know that it’s okay to date again. But if the breakup happened a while ago, then your ex probably wants to be friends and keep you in his or her life for convenience.

Many dumpers bother their ex for no apparent reason just because they’re afraid of losing their ex completely. They want their ex around at least to some extent and by doing so, maintain a sense of control and familiarity.

You need to understand how your ex’s breadcrumbs make you feel so that you can decide if there are any benefits to staying in touch with your ex. If you ask me, there aren’t any. Only exes with kids and other obligations benefit from talking after the breakup.

What do I do if my ex is with someone else but still contacts me?

If you get hurt when your ex contacts you, you obviously shouldn’t keep pretending that you’re happy to talk to your ex and that you don’t mind him or her dating someone else. Entertaining your ex’s reach-outs won’t just affect your self-esteem and give you false hope, but it will also prevent you from letting go of your ex.

The best thing to do in this particular situation is to tell your ex you’d like some space and that you’ll let him or her know when or if you’re ready to chat again. You don’t need to say that what your ex is doing is wrong and that it’s hurting you, because it will just make you look weak and unattractive.

Also, don’t say that your ex is welcome to give you a call if he or she has a change of heart and wants you back. Your ex doesn’t need to know that you’ll be waiting for his or her new relationship to fail. That would extinguish your ex’s desire to communicate and get back with you when/if your ex stops dating the new person.

Your ex mustn’t know that you’re struggling to cope with the breakup and accept his or her new relationship. So instead of showing you’re having a hard time moving on, simply say that you’re having trouble focusing on yourself due to his or her constant reach-outs and that you’d appreciate it if he or she gave you some space and time to process things.

After you’ve said that, your ex should understand where you’re coming from and give you the space you need to regain your composure.

If you’re over your ex, you don’t necessarily need to stay away and can simply decide what feels right for you. If you want to be friends with your ex and your and your ex’s new partners are okay with it, you can try to give friendship a try. I suggest communicating only occasionally so that you don’t redevelop feelings and start thinking your ex is the person you’re meant to be with.

Friendship doesn’t mean you should hang out as if you never dated. Friendship with an ex means you draw healthy boundaries and stick to those boundaries out of respect for all parties involved. If you’re with someone else, there are 4 people you need to consider, including yourself.

Don’t think that your and your ex’s opinions are all that matter.

So avoid making hasty decisions and think about your options. Think about whether you want your ex in your life as just a friend and if friendship would hinder your detachment, happiness, and growth.

Most dumpees can’t remain friends. They’re too hurt and anxious to handle being friend-zoned and having non-romantic conversations. The good thing is, they don’t have to settle for less than they deserve, and neither should you.

Don’t feel pressured to accept your ex as just a friend. If you’re not ready for it or don’t think it’s right (which it isn’t, especially right after the breakup), put yourself first and surround yourself with people who add value to your life. They’ll bring happiness, stability, and show you the true meaning of friendship.

Is your ex with someone else but still contacts you? How does that make you feel? Feel free to leave a comment below.

And if you’re looking for 1-on-1 breakup guidance and want our help, take a look at our coaching options. At Magnet of Success, we help dumpees understand dumpers’ behavior while providing guidance and support.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.