Is My Ex Stringing Me Along Or Taking It Slow?

Many dumpers don’t know how they’re making their ex feel. They have no idea they’re stringing their ex along and making things difficult for their ex. All dumpers know is that they must focus on their own wants and needs and get what they want from their ex.

If they want company, they must try to get it. And if they want support, reassurance, or friendship, they must get that too. To them, it’s completely acceptable to rely on their ex for certain benefits or privileges.

They don’t know (or care) that by staying in touch and relying on their ex, they’re giving their ex a lot of false hope and anxiety. That’s why they usually stay friends with their ex (if their ex lets them) and make it seem like they still like their ex and might be thinking about coming back.

In truth, they just like getting certain things from their ex. They like that their ex is willing to stay on good terms with them and make them feel better for dumping their ex.

A simple explanation for why dumpers talk to their ex is that talking to their ex doesn’t hurt them. And because it doesn’t hurt them, they assume it doesn’t hurt their ex either. They think their ex feels the way they feel and that their ex must want the same as them (friendship) otherwise their ex wouldn’t have responded to them.

It’s their understanding that their ex would have ignored them, gotten angry with them, or done something extreme if their ex wasn’t interested in communicating.

This is why dumpers oftentimes continue to breadcrumb their ex-partner for months without the intention of getting back together. They do this by calling, texting, liking photos, opening stories, and doing anything that shows they still care about their ex and respect him or her.

Dumpers are happy as long as they see that their ex is receptive to them and doesn’t hate them. This is enough for them to forgive themselves for discarding the relationship and breaking their ex’s heart.

So if your ex left you and you’re wondering if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is stringing you along, you can be certain that your ex is doing that if you feel hopeful because of your ex. Your ex doesn’t need to be super friendly or flirty with you to string you along.

He or she can give you false hope just by refusing or failing to give you the space you need to self-prioritize and stop thinking about your ex.

Also, bear in mind that dumpers don’t necessarily string their exes along just to have an alternative plan in place in case something goes horribly wrong with their primary plan.

Dumpers string their exes along because they:

• don’t understand that dumpees need time to detach and get over the breakup
• wish to remain friends and don’t want to lose their ex completely
• want emotional support
• feel that it’d be a big waste of their time and effort to just cut their ex off
• want to stop feeling guilty for leaving their ex
• want to have someone to talk to when no one else is there for them

So if your ex is constantly making you think about him or her and you’re wondering, “Is my ex stringing me along,” you need to know that your ex is not merely confused about the breakup. Your ex probably just doesn’t know what you need from him or her to process the breakup and get over it.

Your ex doesn’t even know you need time to yourself to recover because your ex is assuming you’ve detached from him or her ages ago just like your ex has from you.

In today’s post, we talk about whether your ex is stringing you along or taking it slow.

Why do exes string us along?

Due to self-empowering post-breakup emotions, dumpers don’t think about getting back together with the person they fell out of love with and abandoned.

They tend to worry about themselves and think about how they’re going to spend their spare time and enjoy their freedom. It’s why they initiated the breakup in the first place – to focus on their wants and needs and to do what makes them happy.

There are, however, some dumpers who initially doubt their decision. They know that they’re happier without their dumpee, but they can’t help but wonder whether their ex is doing okay.

Such self-aware dumpers feel bad for leaving their ex-partner behind, so they initially feel a lot of guilt and mistake their guilt and anxiety for love.

They think to themselves, “If I’m hurting this much, it must mean that I made a stupid decision. I must still love my ex at least a little bit.“

But the truth is that they don’t love their ex.

They just aren’t happy with their choices, such as the way they handled the breakup, how they treated their ex, and the pain they’ve caused their ex.

This is why they feel that they need to redeem themselves and make their ex feel valued and supported. They think that if they show they’re willing to stay in touch with their ex that they’re being considerate of their ex’s feelings and that their ex will appreciate them.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Unless dumpers selflessly provide dumpees with closure or some kind of detachment support, dumpees are far better off without their exes. They heal many, many times faster on their own because by pushing their ex away, dumpees get rid of the drug (their ex) that keeps them emotionally hooked.

When dumpees realize this and tell their ex that they don’t want to stay friends, they take the first step toward independence, happiness, and self-respect.

But some dumpers don’t see it as a form of self-respect because they take their ex’s friendship refusal very personally. They interpret it as a rejection and react very poorly to it.

Some ignorant dumpers get annoyed and walk away whereas others defend themselves by stating that they wanted to stay in touch because they didn’t want to throw away months or years of friendship.

By doing so, they attempt to guilt-trip their ex into staying in frequent contact just so they can continue to benefit from the only person in the world who can help them relieve their guilt.

Little do such dumpers know that it’s nearly impossible for dumpees to stay friends with an ex who broke their heart. They don’t know that it’s extremely painful and detrimental to dumpees’ health and that dumpees don’t feel relieved the way dumpers do.

Dumpees initially suffer from separation anxiety, whereas dumpers feel relieved and elated.

Anyway, here are 5 signs that your ex is stringing you along.

How do I know if my ex is stringing me along?

It’s no secret that many dumpers frequently reach out to their exes and string their exes along. They may not intend to hurt or manipulate their ex-partners’ feelings, but they nonetheless obliviously give their exes false hope and prolong their recovery.

Their words, actions, or presence do that to dumpees as false hope indirectly tells dumpees that their relationship may be salvageable if they just try hard enough to portray themselves as reliable ex-partners.

But unfortunately, reconciliations never go that smoothly. There are just too many negative associations ruining dumpees’ personas and preventing them from crawling back into their exes’ hearts.

It’s unfortunate, but it’s difficult for dumpees to portray themselves better than their exes perceive them.

It’s impossible for them to do that because dumpers store poor opinions and anchored emotions of their exes deep into their subconscious minds—and hold on to them for dear life.

Negatively-enhanced thoughts and feelings are responsible for dumpers’ stubbornness. They are their reminders of the past – of everything they didn’t like about their ex.

So if your ex is stringing you along for non-romantic purposes and you’re looking for reconciliation hope, know that you’re most likely not going to get your ex back by becoming your ex’s friend and showing him or her how many flaws and insecurities you’ve managed to overcome since the breakup.

Your ex might notice your improvements and be happy for you, but as far as romantic feelings go, they won’t return.

Not unless your ex still has feelings and expectations and specifically told you to do your best to impress him or her.

In that case, you might have a fair chance at winning your ex’s love back by investing in areas of your life that need investing the most.

But most breakups, unfortunately, don’t work that way.

When dumpers perceive you as a bad, inadequate, unworthy, insecure, or mean person—you’re going to have one hell of a hard time making them think and feel differently about you.

That’s because dumpers don’t just think you’re unworthy of their love. They also make sure not to change their mind about their decision as changing their mind would mean they were wrong.

And they’d rather not be wrong. Dumpers would have a lot of explaining to do to their friends and family. Especially to those who encouraged them to leave the relationship.

And lastly, even if your ex thinks you can grow, your ex still won’t change his or her mind about you. For most dumpers, it’s not a matter of whether their ex can grow but rather whether they can change their opinion of their ex. From what I’ve seen, most people don’t change their opinion willingly.

It takes pain and anxiety for them to change it.

My ex is stringing me along. What do I do?

If your ex is stringing you along, your ex is making it very difficult for you to heal and boost your self-love. Your ex is constantly reminding you that he or she is still around and making you feel that you might get back together if everything goes according to plan.

Such thoughts are forcing you to stay fixated on your ex when you should be doing everything in your power to move forward with your life and focus on things and people worthy of your time and attention.

At the moment, your ex isn’t one of those people.

He or she stopped being one the moment the breakup occurred because that’s when he or she showed you how important or rather unimportant you were to him or her.

You’ve got to understand that you won’t increase your chances of reconciliation by staying emotionally connected to your ex. You’ll actually have a much smaller chance of success because you’ll over-depend on your ex for recognition and make your ex lose remaining interest.

You’ll also hinder your healing process, get confused, and put yourself through agony and self-torture.

That’s why you need to take back control of your life. Instead of letting your ex string you along, show your ex you respect yourself and that you won’t let your ex string you along for selfish gain.

Do that by unfollowing your ex on social media and telling your ex to stop messaging or calling you next time your ex reaches out.

Your ex needs to understand that he or she is not welcome to reach out after the breakup and that his or her only opportunity to talk with you and maintain the relationship was while you were together.

Now that the relationship has ended, there’s nothing else to discuss. You must both focus on yourselves and get what you can out of the breakup.

As a dumpee, you can get your independence back whereas your dumper ex can get the space he or she wanted so badly.

Your ex could string you along for a year or longer

Many dumpers lead their ex-partners on for a year or even longer.

They supply them with reconciliation hope on a regular basis and give them an idea that they can fix the relationship if they do something to impress their ex.

Such hope-providing dumpers, of course, don’t intend to come back as they’re not just taking it slow. They’re moving at their average pace and keeping their ex around because they’re bored, used to having their ex around, or afraid to be alone.

They just want what’s best for them.

So if your ex is stringing you along and it’s been months or years since you broke up, keep in mind that your ex is being selfish. He or she wants the best of both worlds—the benefits of the relationship and the freedom of a single person.

You may want to start no contact so you can avoid getting strung along and get the space you need to recover. Start with a 30-day no contact rule.

But once 30 days are up, make it into the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will allow you to stay away from your ex permanently and hopefully encourage your ex to stay away from you too.

If during no contact your ex tries to string you along, then politely tell your ex you need space and that you’ll contact your ex when or if you feel ready to talk.

So now that you’ve read this far, you should understand that the dumper can string an ex along intentionally or unintentionally. Most dumpers do it unintentionally because they don’t realize they’re giving their ex false hope and hindering their ex’s moving-on process.

Such dumpers need to be told to back off so they don’t string you along for as long as it’s convenient for them. Usually, it’s convenient for them until they meet someone new and develop a connection with that person.

Is your ex stringing you along or hurting you? What do you think about dumpers who thoughtlessly string their exes along? Share your thoughts with us below this post.

And if you’re looking for breakup coaching and want our help, sign up for a session here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.