I Broke The No Contact Rule: Is It Too Late?

I broke the no contact rule is it too late

If you broke the no contact rule and you’re worried that you’ve messed things up with your ex, you need to know that merely breaking the no contact rule doesn’t automatically destroy all chances of getting back together with your ex. It’s the behavior you display and the way your ex feels about your actions that really matter.

For example, if you broke the no contact rule and resorted to begging and pleading, insulting, demanding, or annoying your ex, you likely put pressure on your ex and caused your ex to feel uncomfortable. You didn’t give your ex the space to get away from the breakup because you put your hurt feelings before your ex.

That means your ex didn’t get all basic needs met. He or she was forced to “deal” with you while he or she was healing and needed time to process the breakup. As a result, your ex likely perceived you as intrusive, demanding, needy, and weak and lost even more respect for you.

However, if all you did was break the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday and/or say hello, then it’s probably not too late to go back to no contact and protect your image. Going back to no contact is essential so that your ex doesn’t feel suffocated, turn cold, and stop talking to you by force.

As a dumpee who reached out first, you want to voluntarily cease contact and resume no contact. You need to leave your ex alone because that’s the only way your ex will feel unrestricted and respected. Your ex shouldn’t be the one to ask for space because if your ex is, your ex is going to push you away out of pain, suffocation, guilt, or resentment and not want anything to do with you anymore.

That’s when it might be too late for your ex to improve the way he or she thinks and feels about you.

So if you broke the no contact rule and you’re wondering if it’s too late to start following it again, know that it might be too late if you hurt your ex a lot during and after the relationship. But even if you did the worst things imaginable, the no contact rule is still your best option.

It’s your best bet because your ex is still processing the breakup and needs time and it’s your best bet because you need to detach and lose hope. Always remember that the no contact rule isn’t just meant for your ex. It’s meant for you to get yourself back, regain your rationality, and learn the lessons you need to learn.

This article is for dumpees who broke the no contact rule and wonder if it’s too late to use the no contact rule with their ex after they broke the rule. We’ll discuss when it might be too late for your ex to come back after breaking no contact and why you should go back to no contact as fast as you can.

I broke the no contact rule is it too late

I broke the no contact rule – is it too late?

Before we talk about whether it’s too late to use no contact on your ex, we need to mention that even if you don’t make any breakup mistakes, it still might be too late to fix things with your ex. Sometimes dumpers don’t come back because they can’t or rather, don’t want to change their perception of their ex.

They like seeing their ex as the culprit and themselves as victims because doing so gives them power and control. It gives them a reason to stay away from their ex and the freedom to do the things they’ve been wanting to do.

So if you’ve pinned all your hopes on no contact, know that no contact is not 100% effective. No contact doesn’t guarantee positive results because not every dumper is capable of resolving personal matters and improving the way he or she perceives the dumpee.

Most dumpees change their perceptions only when they need to change them. In other words, they acknowledge their ex’s worth when they doubt their own worth or when something or someone hurts them, lowers their pride, and forces them to reflect.

You need to be aware of that so that you don’t get disappointed if your ex doesn’t come back after a while. What you do and don’t do is important after the breakup, but so is your ex’s maturity, thoughts, perceptions, ability to deal with negative emotions, people that influence your ex, and the complications your ex encounters.

Here are the things that determine whether it’s too late for no contact to make your ex regret dumping you and come back.

When is it too late to go back to no contact

Another thing we should mention is that sometimes (although rarely), dumpers defy common sense and come back despite their dumpees annoying them for months and making things difficult for them.

Sometimes dumpers forget about their ex’s insecure, disrespectful, or mean behavior because they’re hurt and need someone who understands them and helps them cope with problems and anxiety.

With that said, let’s now go into detail about when it’s too late for your ex to come back.

When is it too late for your ex to come back?

Breaking no contact is considered a breakup mistake, but it’s “not that bad” compared to some of the things your ex could do out of spite and suffocation. If your ex blocks you, makes fun of you, shares your secrets with others, and gets a restraining order against you, this is much worse than you reaching out to your ex and asking for friendship.

That’s because these things prove that your ex has lost respect for you and that your ex has no strength and willpower left to treat you with kindness and patience.

Your ex just wants to forget about you and focus on moving on.

You can tell no contact is unlikely to have the kind of effect you’re hoping it would have if your ex is bitter, vengeful, narcissistic, incapable of reflecting, and extremely disrespectful to you and your family. Disrespect shows there’s too much water under the bridge for your ex to gather the energy to hold you in high esteem, fix unhealthy perceptions (not issues behind the breakup), and get along with you.

So pay attention to your ex’s attitude and respect. They are the most important things to look out for if you’re trying to understand if no contact can still make a good impression on your ex.

I know it’s hard to see your ex not care about you and that it takes your hope away, but exes who treat you poorly tend to self-justify their reasons for being angry and disrespectful with you. They think you’re to blame for the way they think and feel, so they don’t always get influenced by the no contact rule in a healthy way.

Oftentimes, they focus on reasons why the relationship ended and use those reasons to reinforce their negative breakup feelings. Their negative feelings give them the strength to carry on with conviction and determination.

So again, the act of breaking no contact isn’t the worst thing you can do. It’s much worse if you were emotionally or physically abusive to your ex or if you refused to accept the breakup and made your ex feel bad for dumping you. Denial tends to cause more harm than sending your ex a non-intrusive text.

That’s because denial makes your ex feel guilty, puts expectations on your ex, and forces your ex to act the way you want your ex to act.

So stay away from your ex—and maybe your ex will eventually find reasons to improve his or her respect for you and reasons to get back in touch with you. You’ll find out once your ex has processed the breakup and discerned whether to reach out or leave things be.

My advice is that if you still hope to get back with your ex, focus on regaining control of your actions and emotions and letting your ex take the initiative. Your ex has to put the work in because if you bend over backwards for your ex, your ex won’t respect you and fall back in love with you.

Your ex will see that you’re eager to reconnect and feel apprehensive about it.

Is it too late to go no contact after begging?

From what I see, a little bit of begging is common and not extremely harmful. Dumpers can get over it with time when nostalgia, sorrow, and regret kick in.

It becomes a problem only when dumpees annoy dumpers for weeks or months on end. That’s when dumpers become so bitter that they emotionally burn out and don’t feel like coming back. They think that their ex can’t help them with their problems because their ex can’t even handle his or her own problems.

Dumpers usually return when dumpees preserve their worth. And they preserve their worth when they stop begging and doing things that make them look weak and desperate as quickly as possible.

It’s hard to say how much begging is too much begging because some dumpers get fed up sooner than others. But generally speaking, a month of continuous begging is usually too much for dumpers to recover from.

Why is begging so hard to overcome for dumpers?

It’s because dumpers feel bad for dumping their exes and want to focus on themselves. They don’t want to think about their ex’s problems because they had been doing that long enough. After the breakup, they want to self-prioritize and enjoy their life. But they can’t do that because dumpees guilt-trip them and force them to pay attention to them.

This is how dumpees prevent dumpers from enjoying the relief stage of a breakup and make it impossible for them to process the breakup the healthy way – by doing the things they want.

Is it too late for no contact after 6 months?

Some dumpees befriend their exes and try to prove their worth through friendship and communication. Little do they know that friendship with the dumper doesn’t recreate romantic feelings. It makes the dumper glad and relieved that the dumpee is willing to settle for friendship and makes it safe for the dumper to connect with other people.

The dumper essentially doesn’t have to worry about the dumpee being hurt because the dumper assumes the dumpee wouldn’t settle for friendship if he or she wasn’t okay with it.

As a result, the dumper hints at dating others, dates other people, or says and does things the dumpee doesn’t like.

If you’ve been friends with your ex or if you’ve been talking to your ex occasionally for 6 months, bear in mind that it’s not too late to cut your ex off. It may feel like it is because your ex has already friend-zoned you and lost respect for you, but you need to understand that you can still take care of yourself and perhaps even make your ex miss you with time.

Right now, your ex is used to communicating with you and is probably relying on you for support. But when you stop providing your ex with relationship benefits, your ex could notice your value as a person and realize that you deserve respect for everything you did.

So go no contact with your ex whether it’s been 3, 6, or 10 months since the breakup. You can’t go wrong with no contact.

It’s never too late to go back to no contact

Whether you broke no contact and annoyed your ex or if your ex reached out to you and breadcrumbed you, going back to no contact is the best thing you can do for the situation that you’re in. Not only will no contact help your ex respect you for standing up for yourself, but it will also let you heal your wounds and make you feel better.

No contact will do great things for both of you.

For your ex, it will give space, relieve pressure, guarantee freedom, and improve perceptions of you. And for you, it will allow you to detach, regain internal peace, improve yourself, find new hobbies and interests, and give your life meaning.

No contact is therefore essential. It’s something all people who were broken up with should follow. As long as the breakup was one-sided, they should get space from their ex, stay busy, try to distract themselves, and figure out if they really want to be with their ex.

Most dumpees initially want their ex back. They’re in pain and because of the pain, give their ex more credit than he or she deserves. But as they stay in no contact and start feeling better, they often realize that their ex wasn’t as great as they’d thought.

That’s when they see and feel that the power of no contact after the breakup helped them discover their ex’s true colors and made them stronger.

It’s not that no contact just makes them lose feelings and move on. It also makes them see things rationally, which is that someone who leaves them doesn’t deserve their care and attention.

Did you break the no contact rule and you’re afraid it’s too late to reconcile with your ex? Let us know what you worry about below the post.

And if you want to confide in us and want our help, go to our coaching page for more information.

33 thoughts on “I Broke The No Contact Rule: Is It Too Late?”

  1. Hey Zan,

    My ex-girlfri3nd broke up with me in January after 2 years. I was calm and understanding during the conversation and gave her the feeling I was excepting, but making it clear that I didn’t want this. A couple of days after the break up, she texted me asking how a dental appointment I had went (I was confused). Her birthday was a couple weeks later and I had already bought her a gift. Therefore, I sent it to her with an attached letter basically explaining my feelings to her and informing her that I felt I had lost some of my self-esteem that had been triggered by the two of my relationships before her (she was aware of those situations). I know now that I shouldn’t have done that, but I’ve always been honest and authentic in my communications with her. The result was that she ended up texting me that the letter irritated her and she told me she doesn’t want any contact anymore and to respect that, then immediately blocked me everywhere.

    It took me about a month to get up the nerves to visit her, but she wasn’t home. She saw me (ironically) on the outdoor camera I had bought and installed for her within the first year of our relationship to help her and her daughter feel safer. She then unblocked me and asked why I was visiting and I told her I missed the talks (another mistake that I was advised to say from a friend). She didn’t answer, so I drove back home. Two days later, she text me again and harshly told me to leave her and her family and friends alone with an immediate block again. So, I reached out via email and asked her why she was so disrespectful and “what about the respect towards me?”…..no answer.
    This happened in March and unfortunately, I acted out of character and allowed my emotions to get the best of me and I went to her house to get an answer. She would not come to the door, so I saw her through the window and simply asked why she was being so disrespectful to me. BTW, I never begged for her to come back. Anyways, she left the room and closed the door behind her….no answer, just “I called the cops.” Before she closed the door. So, my persistence almost got me in trouble. I was already gone and nothing came out of this (no restraining order or such).
    Over the remainder of the time up until July 15th I continued to reach out to her every three weeks or so to send the rest of her things I still had back to her, sent her a thank you card via registered mail for helping me realize that the break up was actually a good thing for me (sincerely written, not mean in any way) and a final apology card for my mistakes with a small bouquet of flowers that she ultimately still rejected to receive. I didn’t react to this and ever since, I have gone complete no contact and I’m determined to hold my ground.
    I do still deeply miss the woman I had fallen in love with and lately have been constantly seeing signs, including seeing her name pop up on numerous occasions last week. I don’t know if this means anything, but it is quite odd being that nothing like this happened anytime before.
    I would still like to have a conversation at some point, but am still very reluctant that this will ever happen and am starting to believe that she is not who I thought she was…..very confusing and it makes me still think too much about her. Chances are probably not so good, huh?

    Thanks,
    Rob

    1. Hi Rob.

      Chances are indeed not very good at the moment. Your ex doesn’t want to communcate and seems to need a lot of space. She lost a lot of her respect to you due to your ndirect begging. From now on, you’ve got to love yourself more than her. You can’t show her your self-esteem depends on her love for you.

      She’s the kind of person that blocks exes – especially those who are in pain and seek her attention. When she doesn’t want to talk, she pushes people away by force. Perhaps one day you’ll get to talk about the breakup, but I think you won’t feel the need to by the time she processes things and starts feeling guilty. I think you’ll find your answers and get over her long before that happens.

      Hang in there!
      Zan

  2. Hi,

    My GF broke up with me 5 months ago now and I have been begging and trying to convince her to come back since the breakup. We were together for 10 years with already 3 breakups in this period of time. This time, she left as we have had constant fights and arguments every day, every time for a couple of months when we were busy moving in a new place and country. I feel she thinks there is no hope anymore and it is pointless to try again.

    This time, 3 weeks after the break up, i contacted her and we discussed a bit by texts. In the same evening she texted me asking if i wanted to have a chat with her by phone. At the end did not happen as she had no time for it and said she’ll let me know in the next days. A few days after, i reached out again for the call she said she had changed her mind, she said she suffered a lot for the last months and did not want to talk to me anymore for the time being. She said I should have thought earlier and that she wanted me to leave her alone.

    I did not contact her for a whole month, no contact from her. I started text her something casually, she never replied and then for a few weeks i tried to call her, text her, no replies, no reaction.
    Finally, she replied to me by text very angry early december after another try to call her saying she wanted me to leave her alone, that again I should have thought earlier and i should respect her time and her situation. Again, she told me to leave her alone and threathen me to block me or change phone number. I understood she wanted time to think.

    After that, no contact again for 6 weeks, no text for Christmas or New Year. I just slipped 10 days ago with some drunk texts during the night. No replies obviously, no reaction.

    I feel i went too far and this time it is highly likely she will never come back.
    5 years ago when we broke up i did no contact for 4 months and one evening she called me drunk saying she has made a mistake leaving me, she was crying and almost begging for me to back together with her. So i know No contact worked for her, but i do feel this time it might be too late.

    What do you think?
    Thanks

    Jeremy

    1. Hi Jeremy.

      You shouldn’t text your ex anymore. You must stay in no contact indefinitely and wait for her to come to you. If she doesn’t return, you’ll move on and find someone better. Currently, she feels exhausted and trapped and doesn’t want to communicate. Give her the space she needs and show her you’ve accepted the breakup.

      You’re dealing with a real breakup this time. No begging will change her mind.

      Best wishes,
      Zan

  3. Hello. I hope I get a response.

    I dated this guy who I met online about 2 months ago . We met outside few times and he slept over night twice. I feel so comfortable, safe and relaxed around him.
    He also seems to feel the same.
    He didn’t turn up on our last date and cancelled after I already left home. He texted me saying sorry but he never phoned me. I texted him that he should have kept his word. I was so angry. I strongly believe he should have phoned me.
    He didn’t call me for 3 days which is unusual, he was expecting me to call him. I thought he should call and see how I am feeling and apologise for cancelling.

    I texted him after 3 days and said I felt disrespected but what happened. He said I am over reacting. I said I still value relationship and I am open to talk.

    He said then call me.

    I didn’t call. And I ignored him. And decided to not contact him unless be does. Few days later he texted me very angry saying stop playing games.

    I called him but he didn’t answer. I think I shouldn’t have called him and continued the NC. But he seemed so hurt and angry.

    After fee days he texted me again saying you still alive and I answered back I am playing and he said yes I can tell.

    Since then, no contact between us.

    Shall I move on or do no contact rule?

    I really miss him and want him back m. I feel we both made some mistakes and this no contact time taught me so many things. I had some attachment problems and I am realising them now.
    The more I heal and the more I reflect, the more I miss him. It’s hard to get him out of my mind.

    Our souls really connected and I know he’s been stubborn.

    I am making myself busy, doing counselling, journaling, finding new things to do, making more connections but my soul is in pain. I decided I will not reach out to him unless he does in a positive way, I will respond. Otherwise i will not contact him.

    My birthday is in a week, if he reaches out shall I answer ? I think his pride won’t let him reach out but he might use my birthday as an excuse. Shall I respond?

    He didn’t actually say anything about breaking up.

    Please help

    Thank you

    Sarah

    1. Hi Sarah.

      You both need to stop playing mind games and expecting the other to do the work. In a healthy relationship, both people need to put the work in and avoid causing deliberate suffering. Just reach out and don’t let insecurities, mood swings, and emotions in general control your actions.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  4. Hey,

    my ex and me have been together for about 2 years, in this time she broke up with me in the first 8 weeks saying she is not ready, after three days she was back at my door and i was more than reliefed. Another 6-7 Months in she broke up with me right after a very nice holliday. Again for me all out of nowhere, she told me she doesnt see a future with me etc. etc. i was broken and at a lowest at this point but i was going full nc. after three weeks she was back at my door giving me a letter with her soul in it. how much she loves me, how unsecure she is with how people see her, how afraid she is not to be able to handle the future, maybe kids maybe a house.

    Again i felt for it, we where back together the same night.
    After that we spoke about her problems, she goes angry about herself for days, then weeks and is always in a bad mood. it was hard for her to tell my that she loves me and i taking a step back of beeing needy. i first needed to learn how different people express their love and she definitly did.
    another 8 months went past and we had a awesome time, we spoke about kids, living together all of it. But then the bad moods came back, first for days, then weeks. no sex no love, i was telling her that iam a bit love needy and after that she broke up again.

    i know i forced this a bit, even tho i was trying to making the world for her, doing everything, but i also realized i was not able to help her with her problems. i always thought we could talk about everything but i guess we couldnt.

    I was at my lowest at this point, even that far i was trying to end myself. after about a week i told her that i miss her and if she could give me a reason, her reason was “for her its not enough for a love relationship”

    After 6 weeks i was writing her a letter aswell, expressed my emotions and that i also accept if iam not for her that i will accept it and i also will always be there for her.

    3 1/2 months into the breakup and NC after the letter. i guess i did the most retarted thing, i was revisiting a holliday place i was with her before with my friends to go hiking. i figgured it maybe a good idea to rewrite my memories here because i really love this place. i was posting some nature photos in my status and she was seeing it. i guess you can tell the place if you have been there before. After that she must have deleted me or blocked me because now i dont see any profile pic on her number, so i decided i will delete her too.

    And because im the biggest retard on this plannet i was texting her on FB if she ever wanted to go for a ice cream im up for it, and no answer is not accepted. ofc i got no answer.

    so we work at the same company, causally having contact about business isusses or seeing each other once in a while (not to often).
    When we have to call each other, it feels like she is super happy to hear from me, laughs about everything and its just weird.

    im full nc (outside of work again) and try to be on super low radar while at work.

    so how bad did i fuck up?
    For me it feels like this cant be the end and her reasong to break up with me has more to do, that she maybe thinks she cant give me what i desire, but little does she know she always did.

    greetings

    benjamin

    1. Hi Benjamin.

      Because you kept accepting her back so easily, she lost respect for you and left easier the next time. She saw she didn’t have to pay for leaving you and that she had power over you. Unfortunately, this person won’t realize your importance. She would have done that by now as she had multiple breakups to do so.

      You need to leave her alone for good. Don’t invite her out or talk to her unless it’s about work. You need to detach and she needs to focus on herself for a while.

      Best,
      Zan

  5. Thanks for the article, it was really helpful.

    My wife of only 18 months told me that she needed a break a few months ago. We weren’t fighting and didn’t have an argument she just felt that I couldn’t be trusted to handle her emotions. She said at times I wasn’t there for her. It’s no excuse but I was dealing with my own feelings and she’s right, I wasn’t as available as I should have been. It came very much out of the blue though when she left.

    I spent the next 2 months alone in our home trying to figure out where it all went wrong. During this time I reached out to her and I was upset. I wrote her letters saying how much I wanted to work on this, when we met up for ‘dates’ I’d often cry. Looking back, although I did give her space, the times we interacted I was a little needy and probably very unattractive.

    At the end of those two months she came to me and said it’s over. She said she can’t see herself being able to trust that I can be there for her and hold her emotions as gently as she needed. I did also get the impression that she was enjoying her new found freedom, and was worried that getting back with me would reverse all that. I spent the remaining time together begging her and then next 48 hours trying to convince her that we still have options to try and repair things. None of it worked. I then decided to take a step back, but I also told her that she could reach out to me whenever, and if her feelings ever changed, for her to let me know.

    I’m worried that I started the no contact too late, and I’m worried that my needy and desperate behaviour has sabotaged any possible reunion. I’m also worried thag by telling her that Im here for her, she has everything she needs to move on from me while I sit here and ‘support her breakup’.

    She said she still loves me, she said she cares and wants to keep me in her life. But the last time I heard from her it seemed like she has her mind made up.

    Do you think my chances have been ruined by my actions?

    1. Hi Stephen.

      You didn’t ruin your chances. But you did pressure her a little bit. It’s okay though. Your wife didn’t express her emotions well, so she blamed you for her inability to take care of herself emotionally. She could have saved the relationship if she communicated with you. But instead, she chose to distance herself and ignore the need to reflect and grow.

      Stay in NC, Stephen. You need to recover and see that she was the one who gave up.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  6. Hi , I’m going through a rough time . My ex and I were together for a year and 3 months . 10 months in our relationship he had a moment of doubt and asked for space however he was still messaging me then he decided he wanted to make it work so we got back together. Then recently on March he said he is down about his life and feels depressed and unsure where our relationship is going . So he ended it but he recently called me and said it was an accident we messaged briefly for a day or two. I don’t know what to do I miss him so much I have good and bad days . He told me he was not doing well so I asked if i can check in on him occasionally and he’s reply was “yes, I don’t mind that “ . Please advise me I just want to message him every day and try to get back together

    1. Hi Nadia.

      He needs to work on his emotional health and relationship commitment. He can’t just quit when things get tough. This isn’t something you can help him with. You just need to give him space and let him come to you when or if he’s ready. I know you want to be there for him, but he pushed you away because he didn’t want you there. The guy needs space.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      1. Thank you for responding, after about a couple of weeks of full no contact he messaged me to ask how I am and how my university assignments are going I gave brief answers.he then started to talk about how much of loser he is and how much he is lacking confidence basically going on about how down he is at the moment . I replied with some words of encouragement. I want to ask your honest option do you think that I can make it work again with no contact ?

        1. Hi Nadia.

          He seems to be going through a mild depression. Either that or he feels bad for hurting you and wants you to forgive him. No contact is about you, Nadia. If he comes back because of it, it’s a plus. He could come back, but only if he works on his issues and the problems that made him detach. Not only that, but he also needs to find a reason to reconnect. He needs to develop a desire for love.

          Kind regards,
          Zan

  7. Hi!

    My ex and I broke at the end of December last year. We were in 9 months relationship. She divorced from her toxic ex after 10 years of marriage from they’ve 3 kids. He was very aggressive, he beat her and did not pay attention to her and the children. Because of this, she left him several times, but always returned. During our relationship, she often mentioned him in a negative context. She had to be in contact with him because of raising the children. One day she told me that she had seen him and that he asked her to return to him, otherwise he would take her children away. The evening before the breakup, she told me not to call her the next morning because she returned to his place with the children. She asked me to break up and emphasized that she regrets that we were together at all. That she is sorry for hurting her ex-husband and that she will never do it again. She told me that her ex was checking her phone and that he would hurt her if she continued to contact me. I tried to implement No Contact, but I kept interrupting. I sent messages but I didn’t ask her to come back. The last time she was very angry with ad told me to Fuck of (sorry for the bad words)! Should I go back to No Contact or move on and live her here. I realized that she has an Avoidant style and I would have a long and hard job to get her back if she ever separated from her toxic husband again!

    1. Hi Sasha.

      It looks like she got sucked back into a relationship with her abusive ex. She got manipulated and will be very unhappy with him. You should go back to no contact and do your best to move on. She’s going to keep taking his side for as long as doing so is convenient for her. You can’t be around for that.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  8. Hi Zan,

    My ex broke up with me in January of 2022, but unknown to me had been dating someone for two months before that. I’ve tried going no contact several times over the last year with little success. Each time I pull back she comes towards me telling me that she’s not so happy in her relationship. But a year later she’s still with her boyfriend. She tells me that she loves me and hopes we can be a couple again… someday. We’ve been texting most every day, and if you were to read our texts you would think that we were lovers. She’s blown hot and cold over the last twelve months, but slowly we’ve gotten closer. Over the Christmas holiday for the first time since the breakup. In all we met five times, each time becoming more romantic. We would talk, kiss, hold hands, and snuggle; all the things that couples do. Then she would scamper off to see her boyfriend. When I asked if she wanted to get back together as a couple all she could say was that she was confused and didn’t know what to do. As of January 5th we’ve been in no contact. I’m still not sure if this is the right move. It’s been a year! Is it too late for no contact to be effective? Is it better to keep contacting her and continue on this path? I love my ex so much, but I’m tired and yearn for healing. I’m tired of this limbo grey area. It’s been difficult watching her build a life with someone else.

    1. Hi Theodore.

      I think she’s telling you she hopes to be a couple one day because she’s miserable and doesn’t want you to don’t give up on dating her. She wants to keep you around as a backup in case her current or new relationships fail.

      It’s not too late to start no contact, Theodore. She needs to see that you’re moving on and that she’s going to lose you if she doesn’t act soon. Also, healing is long overdue, so cut her off.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  9. Me and my boyfriend met in July and broke up in early December. We dated officially for 1 month but our relationship went fast and we were rlly into each other. This is the third week of the breakup. On the first week, I was begging and pleading and then I went 2nd week no contact but I broke it bc I wanted to talk about our prev argument. He unblocked me on other social media but said he’ll unblock me on insta in his own time. I begged again but eventually realise I’ll just agree that he doesn’t want a relationship with me again. I went back no contact. Is it too late? The big issues we had was religious differences and the fact that he’s an avoidant that wenever we have simple issues he makes it bigger bc he’s not emotionally mature to understand feelings and always wanted to break up. The last time we argued it was an argument we fixed and bought up again bc of me. I’m just lost .

    1. Hi Nonmnom123.

      Since you only dated for a month, it’s clear that you were very incompatible. Religion broke you up, so getting back together would be difficult. Also, arguments and relationship threats prove that you need to grow a lot before you can work together and be happy.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  10. Hi Zan,

    My ex dumped me 6 months ago and made it clear she was done for good after 15 months relationship. We kept in touch during the first month and after that we had an argument and she even blocked me in Facebook as she felt annoyed.
    I went to no contact for almost 3 months as she also asked for space. I broke it and asked her to meet as I had t go to her village. She couldn’t make it that day and I told her I would have to go a month later and although she didn’t show enthusiasm she told me to let her know before going.
    At the same time I discovered that she started dating after 3-4 months a guy that she had just met before breaking up, so I think it can be a kind of a monkey branch. Even though she doesn’t know that I know it as I never told her.
    Anyway , I let her know the day I went to her village again and she told me that she still needs a bit more of time to meet me. We could even talk by phone call about how life is going in a friendly way but never told me about the new guy. I told her that if she wants to meet she can feel free to text me, but I know she probably won’t.
    I feel that I screwed it up by contacting her and I know that I might be annoying by keeping in touch. It’s been 6 months already and I want to start indefinite NC but I’m scared it’s too late and it won’t affect her. I’m also scared that this guy could be something serious and not a rebound.
    I feel much better, I’m in therapy and I’ve worked on my issues but I still love her. Can NC still work?

    Thank you!

    1. Hi Gabriel.

      It’s never too late to do no contact. It’s better to start now than to keep in touch and pester her. One thing to keep in mind is that she might have developed feelings for that guy and left you for him. Lots of dumpers do that and hide the truth from the person they dump.

      The new guy is not a rebound as she’s ready to date him emotionally. She’ll have to go through the relationship stages to see if they’re compatible. If they are, they’ll stay together regardless of what you do. And if they’re not, they’ll break up, and she might contact you.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  11. Hey Zan, I am sure i have gambelet away my chances….

    So my Ex broke up with me last Sommer. She admidet to cheated on my with some old friend. I got angry and broke it, when she came back in ouer home I gave her another shot, she begged me to open the relationship as she had also feelings for this othe rguy, but she promised that between us nothing would chnge…it did. She spen dmore and more time with this dude, barley any with me, that did hurt, after a a month he broke up with me and stayed with that dude, but promised me to stay in close contact and rebuild. I moved out, in the beginning she wanted regular contact, we either had figths or both cried and told that we loved each other. We have met from time to time, ouer contact got more rare, she became even more unreliable. She monkeybranchend and just trashed me. In the beginning she told me that i am still the most importand person arround, now she says she dosent feel it anymore and just wants to stick friends. From time to time i tried no contact, either I broke it after a short while or she reached out onyl to tell me after one or two meetings that sh eis still with him, happy and wants to be friends to me, to see where that will lead. I feel so stupud for chassing her, but i still have a lot of feelings for her, we where 5years together, had problems in the relationship but thats just to much. I have the feeling that my angry reactions in the beginning made it way worse. She is pretty sure advoidant, whenever i tried to have talks with her she gets overwhelemend, and I know that I rather should spend funny moments when we see each othe rbut I am still super hurt and I feel the need to talk stuff trough with her, which most likley pushes her farer away. Its been like 7Month ofa push and pull thing now, but she gets more far and far awa with the time, wich is trigggering me to try to get her back even harder. I am in NC since 14days again. In the time since we have broken up I made some positiv life changes (stardet to study, going to therapy,dating some other women) But it feels so unstable. My selfworth is still pretty low bc of what happend and arround her i still sometimes beheave off and insecure.

    best regrats

    1. Hi Greg.

      When she said she loved you, she didn’t mean that she loved you but that she felt guilty and bad for you. Your love for her, on the other hand, was real but enhanced by anxiety and low self-esteem. You need to stay away from this person, Greg. There’s no better way to put it because she’s poisonous to you. She’s giving you false hope and messing with your healing. After what she did, you shouldn’t even want to be friends with her. It’s best that you focus on healing for now so that you can get her out of your system and discover your worth.

      Best regards,
      Zan

  12. I broke no contact after a month with a letter because i followed one of those stupid fake ex back coaches, i didn’t beg or plead or anything but pretty much said how i want a connection agin and got a neutral response and then we both went back into no contact, it’s been 3.5 months since the initial no contact and 2.5 since i broke it. she broke it again a few weeks ago just to wish me happy birthday which i just replied to with “thank you, i hope you’re doing well”

    1. Hi L.

      It’s okay. But from now on, don’t send any more letters. Keep in mind that you mustn’t tell exes what you want or hope for because it overwhelms them with expectations and guilt.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  13. I did not think that the no contact rule would give back that power to the dumpee, which was my only best option.
    But thanks to your help Zan this changed
    No contact makes you lose feelings and move on, and you see the situation in the complete picture and much more rationally when time goes by
    I don’t have thank you’d enough for all your help, Zan

  14. “It’s not that no contact just makes them lose feelings and move on. It also makes them see things rationally, which is that someone who leaves them doesn’t deserve their care and attention.” This is good stuff, and should be read and re-read by every dumpee pining for their ex and considering breaking no contact. If they left you, they’ve told you that you are not worthy (for them) to be in a relationship with. Why would you ever break no contact in light of that? You’re just reinforcing what they already believe.

    1. Hi Doug.

      Dumpers lose respect and feelings, so leaving them alone is all you can and should do. Space and time are the way to go until you hear an apology and an “I want you back” from them.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  15. I broke no contact after 1 week. My ex and I had been communicating with each other pretty regularly, almost as if we hadn’t broken up at all. We were speaking nearly every day, and even still hanging out. Then she started seeing else and I felt like I got hit with a hammer. I was not ready to process her being with someone else. We still continued to communicate though, but now it was beginning to really hurt me. Finally, after our most recent exchange, I decided I had to disappear and let myself heal. I then reached out again to continue a conversation we were previously having. I haven’t done any begging or questioner about what she is doing. I know I gave in, simply out of anxiousness. Since I didn’t communicate any neediness or talk about anything related to our relationship or what she is doing, should I be able to resume immediately without much damage done?

    1. Hi Lance.

      Go back to no contact. You shouldn’t be talking to her because she’s set on moving on. This is the time to self-reflect and improve the things you need to improve.

      Best,
      Zan

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