Is your ex’s birthday coming up while you are in no-contact? Do you have doubts about whether you should reach out and wish your ex a happy birthday?
It’s highly probable that you are in no-contact, and you’re trying to decide if reaching out in a kind, respectful manner is the right thing to do. In this article, I will explain when you should contact your ex for his or her birthday after you’ve been broken up with.
Should you wish your ex a happy birthday?
In other words, you are asking me, “should I wish my ex a happy birthday when he or she has kicked me to the curb, belittled and degraded me, and slept with my best friend?”
Excuse my exaggeration. Perhaps your situation wasn’t this bad, but you get the idea. Whether the relationship was amicable, nasty, one-sided, long-distance, or it involved cheating, lying, losing attraction, neediness, disrespectfulness, anger, depression, violence, this isn’t the time for you to act.
Sit this one out, and use this time to focus on healing and improving while you are in no-contact.
Your ex doesn’t deserve to be wished a happy birthday. Doing so would only show your ex that you are under his/her control. Your ex would think you are being needy and extremely available. Reaching out first proves exactly that. Since your ex doesn’t want you to be a part of his or her life, you must act that way.
If you’ve been in no-contact for weeks or months, don’t break your great progress for someone of so little value to you. Repeat to yourself, “I’ve come this far, and I must keep it up!”
Warning!! Do not break no-contact!
No-contact is essentially the time to yourself. You will feel yourself detach and feel better the longer you stay in NC. Breaking it,
He or she is going to want you even less, and you will take another serious blow to the ego, setting you back all the way to the beginning of the breakup.
This is a warning from me to you. By refusing to break the no-contact rule, you are going to keep healing and get better each day. Even if you are hurting and think it can’t get any worse, heed my words. It can, and it will!
Breaking the no-contact rule, and reaching out to your ex first, is going to be incredibly painful. You are going to sweat and your heart will beat at triple your normal rate. You might experience fatigue, dizziness, panic attacks, and much worse.
You’ve put this person way up high on a pedestal, and have as a result become incredibly afraid of him or her. You can avoid additional heartbreak and anxiety by staying true to the indefinite no-contact rule.
When can I wish my ex a happy birthday?
You are safe to show an act of courtesy when your ex has reached out to you first. I’m not referring specifically to him wishing you for your birthday first. That would be a very silly game to play.
I’m saying that you can wish your ex happy birthday only when he has acknowledged you as an equal again. This means that he contacted you first and broke the no-contact. Only then, it’s safe to wish him a happy birthday, because you know you won’t annoy your ex or push him further away.
This is the only surefire way to tell your ex is ready to hear from you. Any time before this is deadly, as the attempt to reach out could backfire, leaving you wounded.
Should I give my ex a present for her birthday?
You’re probably thinking maybe you could give your ex a present – her favorite plushie, or that video game he always wanted. Maybe you could make the present anonymous or just let your ex know you haven’t forgotten about him or her. If that’s the case, you may as well take that 20-something dollar bill and burn it.
At least that way you will get some joy out of it. Whether you go with the former or the latter option, your situation will stay the same. He or she won’t think any higher or you, and you certainly won’t feel any better.
Dropping off a present by your ex’s front doors isn’t going to achieve a thing. As a matter of fact, it will only make him feel more powerful and in control of the situation.
Your ex has to feel he lost you, hence why you thinking of him, and going on a shopping spree for a person from the past sounds ridiculous. You probably want him to know you are thinking about him, and wish for the same in return. This won’t happen – especially when he is forced to think of you.
The best way I can describe his emotions is as if you received a birthday present from that creepy guy that stalked you when you were still in high school. Your ex won’t feel the “OMG, OMG, she got me a present” feeling.
It’s going to be more of a cringe moment, with him staring at the wrapped-up thing for a moment before deciding what to do next. Save yourself the embarrassment, and treat yourself to something nice.
Do you still want to wish your ex a happy birthday? Have you changed your mind? Comment below.
A short question. After a couple of months, she reached me out in the first place wishing me merry christmas and telling me she found a new job in another part. After a week she reached me out again congratulating me on my birthday. After 4 weeks I wrote her to wish her the very best on her new job. And we haven’t talk anymore (I continue doing NC), except interchange likes in linkedin. Should I Wish my ex a happy birthday in a few months. I must say the few conversations were casual and polites. I think it was a good thing after 2 months of pure to be reached out and at least, I am important in their life. What do you think Zan?
Hi Graviton.
You can say hi if you want to be polite, but know that it won’t change anything. It’s up to you. I personally wouldn’t contact her so that I could detach and look forward to my own life again.
Sincerely,
Zan
Dear Zan,
I hope you can give me some advice, my long distance ex-girlfriend broke up with me 4 months ago and I’ve been in NC for 3 months but, recently her bestfriend tagged her in a facebook post greeting her a happy birthday.
So then, I cannot control myself and I commented on that post mentioning her name and wish her a happy birthday, wishing her the best and also told keepsafe in a respectful manner, but I didn’t get any react or response from her. Even before I do that, I promise myself to not contact her never ever again and that would be the last.
I just wanna ask you that did I broke NC by doing that? Even though I did not greet her via private message. And, did I lessen also the chances of hearing again from her or neither a reconciliation in the future? Hope you could give me some piece of advice Zan.
Bt the way, I am one of your avid reader. I’m reading each and every blog you post on your page, and we’re so thankful (dumpees) for helping us to recover after the break up. More power Zan!
Hi Jah.
Theoretically, you didn’t break no contact, but you did make a breakup mistake. I’m not sure how she perceived it, but judging by her lack of response, she probably didn’t like it. Rest assured, though that your comment didn’t ruin things. It was a selfless comment that demanded no answers or attention from her. She’ll get over it and so will you.
From now on, stay in full no contact. Follow all the rules of NC and tell your friends not to tag you. They should know better.
Thanks a lot for reading the blog, Jah. I’m forever grateful. 🙏
Best regards,
Zan
Does it matter how long it has been since they broke no contact? My ex broke no contact after 6 months to apologize etc. and she seemed very nervous and awkward on the phone. I did as this website says – kept it brief and ended the conversation quickly to say I have work to do, and she told me I can reach out if I ever want to talk and I said ok you can do the same. Neither of us have contacted each other since and it has been a few more months since that interaction. I am guessing I should stay in no contact and not send a happy birthday text given no contact was effectively resumed after she initially broke it. Happy birthday would make sense only if she attempted to sustain contact with me once she broke it. Thoughts?
Hi Marvin.
Since your ex reached out already, you can reach out if you want. But if you’re still recovering from the breakup, bear in mind that it will hurt you and set you back. Also, wishing your ex happy birthday won’t make your ex love you, Marvin. It will just ease her worries and/or guilt. So think about whether wishing her is a good idea.
Kind regards,
Zan
I have a doubt. Does a “Happy Birthday!” post on your Facebook wall count as Reaching Out?
She broke up with me almost 6 months ago. (May 11, 2020)
I immediately went No Contact. I didn’t begged or pleaded.
Just hanged up the phone and distanced myself from her.
Never reached out, didn’t stalked her on social media, no nothing. I just vanished from her life.
Last week it was her birthday. I didn’t write her anything. But I did thought of her the whole fucking day. But, I didn’t reached out. I saw that she uploaded some selfies and she was alone at home with a little cake. I felt bad for her. Because she is alone and she drives people away. Like she did with me. And she is older than me. (She is 37 and I’m 28M).
But, she did reached out and wrote me a “Happy Birthday!” a couple of days ago. (Yes, our birthdays are a week apart.) Why would she do that after what she told me when she broke up with me? She was really clear. In fact, she was mean and humiliating with me on the day of the break up.
She said and I quote: “We shouldn’t be in contact. We need to evolve, maybe in 3 years we could try again. IF we ever find each other again.” As I said, I went NCR with her right after hanging up the phone the day of the breakup. And now, after almost 6 months of No Contact, I received a Happy Birthday post from her on my Facebook wall. Why?
I waited until the next day to reply to everybody on my FBook wall. I used the same emojis with everybody and with her I wrote this, “Thank you! Hope you had a good one too! Cheers!” and that’s it.
I haven’t heared from her since and I don’t plan to start chasing her again. I’m gonna keep my NC. If she wants to reach out again, I’m open to talk to her, but I’m not starting any conversation with her, if she wants to talk, I’m here. I’m not going after her.
But, I do want to know Why? Why would she do it? Why reach out? She wanted me to leave, right? So I did, why congratulate me if she didn’t wanted to be in contact in the first place?
Anyway, Thanks for reading. Peace! (:
Hi, even if I don’t know you, I wish you happy birthday. My gift to you is letting you know that a Facebook reply is not considered “reaching out”, it is called “breadcrumbs”. Great for you for what you have done, no contact is the key and your reply to her message was excellent because you were respectful by replying to her contact, polite by replying and not opening a conversation and the most important, continuing with your life.
It’s normal that you think about her, even most on her birthday or on a date that used to be important for you, but your mental control is the key. She could be wondering what’s about you but it doesn’t mean that she would like to get back to a relationship with you. The less she knows about you, the more she will probably will want to know. If she was really into you she will contact you but she will try to do it in the less risky way for her and of course social media is always a safe bet but you should have high standards and set the bar high for her and anyone you want in your life.
My post is already long, but I suggest you reading the post on this blog called “breadcrumbs” and look for it on many others sites and prepare mentally yourself on how to behave if she ever reach out. The rule of thumb is be polite, respectful, give short answer and don’t have any expectations on her contact because she could be looking for any kind of validation from you and disappear again (even replying to “hi” could be was she was expecting from you, then not replying again).
My best wishes to you, you are doing great, keep safe!
Ricardo
Should i wish my ex a happy birthday if she reached out to me for my birthday with a very long and pretty fake text wishing me all the best and bullshit ect.
I have to clarify she broke up with me and even though i don’t have concrete proof i am 95% sure she cheated on me with my best friend and is now with him and he also dumped his girlfriend, even though they still hide it from me.
Hi Zan,
I have been reading some of your posts lately, incredibly insightful I must say. I am not quite sure what to do. My ex boyf broke up with me a couple of months back. He really hurt my feelings and just gave up on me. No arguments nothing, he just comes back from holiday and decides to call it a day. He thought i was the one and just gave me silly excuses and apologised that he can’t change how he feels. He made all these promises to my sister the week before and then he just does a 180. A guy who wont fight for me is not worth it. Essentially after reading your posts I realised he’s a guy who wants to be in a long term relationship but has some of the traits of a serial dater/serial monogamist
He contacted me within two weeks of our break up just to check in to see if I was ok. I just said I was fine and left it at that. Ive been really focusing on myself and self care. We havent spoken since but only the other day did I notice that he posted of him out on a fancy date with another girl celebrating both their birthdays. He’s a guy who literally needs to be dating someone, its like some external validation kind of thing. He seems to have moved on super quick the fact this new girl is now social media friends with his sister and his housemates and they are both posting photos. Its like I never existed. He still views my instagram stories within 15mins. Ive now removed all traces of him, number photos etc and have only got him on instagram but I am going to remove him next week when I feel ready. I pity him that he can’t even be alone or learn the lessons from our relationship.
My ex’s bday is coming up next week. Ive booked dinner with a couple of my friends and keeping busy on the actual day. Do I still wish him happy bday or like a belated bday message? I am not the kind of girl to play games with someone and have a genuine caring heart. My intention is not to get back with him, or show him that I am trying to move on. Just merely as a curtersy. Even when we broke up, I really held my dignity together and just thanked him for the lessons and the memories. He respected that and my strength. I just don’t know if he is expecting me to wish him or something. His bday is what we always used to talk about. Thats why I am baffled, please help!
KT
X
Me and my boyfriend of short term agreed to have a relationship without commitment , to enjoy every moment but after that i felt that i am getting attached to him so i started nagging over everything , i started taking things seriously , but i said that i am sorry for this , he never loved someone before and he doesn’t believe in love either , same goes for me . so i asked for a breakup but i regretted it immediately . but after that he wanted to have a break because he is lost and he has been having some hard time but at the same time he want o stay in touch, to meet each other occasionnaly and that he still likes me . so i accepted his decision but i feel like we broke up . i am having a big crush on him and i want the no contact rule to get him back . but his birthday is near so i am planning to invite him over my house and to give hime a cake and to have some fun time together so that he can feel fine again .sorry for ,making it so long
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO !!!!!!
She broke up with me. It has been almost 1 month and a half since then and her birthday is near.Its the second time we break up actually,we ve been together for 3 years in total.Im currently in no contact.She recently liked an instagram pic, the only one i have uploaded since the break up and i have reated to any of her uploads.I know 90% it doenst mean anything but you know how these things are.We broke up in good terms, obviously i have feelings for her and i want to get back together.I dont think its a good idea to text her a happy birthday though.What do you say ?
Please some advice….My ex’s birthday is coming up and I’m debating if I should wish him a happy birthday. I was hurt when we broke up and he did apologize for that. I’ve been in no contact for 4 months and no he hasn’t reached out. I’m not looking at reconciliation more as a form of saying no hard feelings as I’m just that kind of person. Do you think I should just let sleeping dogs lie and continue with my progress. Side note he forgot my birthday as he was sick. As I write this I feel like I already know my answer. Can someone please be a voice of reason as I’m just trying to obtain peace in my life.
Don’t do it.. trust me it validates how he treated you..
Thank you. I think it’s best to just let sleeping dogs lie. He ended up messaging due to my phone pocket messaging (it was blank with symbols). We messaged briefly but that’s it. Don’t actually feel the need to message him, you can tell there is nothing left, just two individuals that are being polite.
My ex and I broke up a few years ago but we’ve remained friends since and talk almost every other day. He has a gf and recently found out through social media he is now having a child with her. The last time we spoke was in late March and had a bit of an argument over something stupid. He didn’t necessary say he is done with me but he ended the conversation and neither of us have reached out since then. His birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and am wondering if I should reach out to him and wish him a happy birthday. Or should I let him be? I feel like he should be the one to reach out since he’s the one that ended the convo. I don’t know what to do and it’s stressing me out. I’m also nervous to reach out first because I don’t know what his response will be. Clearly he has moved on I know that and I’m not trying to get him back. I like talking to him as does he but there are times when he can be disrespectful, not follow through with his words, and disregards my feelings ( reason we broke up in the first place). I don’t know what to do. Please help!
My ex and I broke up a few years ago but we remained close friends since. He has a gf and is now having a child with her. The last time we spoke was in late March and had a bit of an argument over something stupid. He didn’t necessarily say he’s done with me but he ended the conversation and neither of us have reached out since then. His birthday is coming in 2 weeks and am wondering if I should wish him a happy birthday. Or should I leave him be? I feel like he should be the one to reach out since he’s the one who ended the convo. I don’t know what to do and it’s stressing me out. I’m also nervous to reach out first because I don’t know what his response will be. I like his company but there are times when he can be disrespectful, not follow through with his words, and not be mindful of my feelings (which was the reason for the breakup).
Please help!!
Hi Christina!
I’m far from being a relationship expert but in my opinion, if your relationship is merely a friendship (no hidden or clear feelings of getting back together in a romantic way), it shouldn’t matter if you reach out to him first. Sometimes, friends disagree and have arguments and most of the time (depending of the gravity of the problem), they are not bad enough to stop reaching out, in fact, I think that his birthday would be a great opportunity to retake the community, no bad feelings, no strings attached.
I wish you the best 🙂
Thanks Ricardo for your response 🙂
Hello, Thank you for your post. I received a “Happy Birthday” text for my birthday recently in a group chat setting from my ex. We have not talked for years, and this is the first year he did so. I know it may not mean he wants to get back together etc. But it is hard to convince myself and stop overthinking. Are there any tips with getting over the emotional responses?
Thank you!
What would you recommend doing if your ex broke up with you because he has depression and couldn’t give me more than what he was already giving me. Obviously he is struggling, should I still not message him during no contact to wish him a happy birthday. I just feel so bad that he would notice and not feel very good for me not reaching out on his birthday.
Hi Zan
” You are safe to show an act of courtesy when your ex has reached out to you first.”
It’s right, but the question is who should reach out first?
Hi Reina, according to my understanding of the situation, the “dumper” is the one who should reach first. The article is based on that the guy dumped her but it could apply the other way around (she dumped him), in any case, the dumpee never reaches out the dumper first