If breakups are the worst predicaments people are forced to endure, then breadcrumbs from an ex come right after. Every time we receive breadcrumbs from our ex, we feel as if our ex has poured salt over our open wounds and forced us to suffer again.
We feel like we’re back to square one healing-wise and that we’re not even close to being over our ex.
Breadcrumbs from an ex are hands down the worst. Not only do they confuse us and hurt us, but they also cause us to obsessively think about our ex and force us to suffer until we’ve regained our composure and the strength to function normally again.
It sucks, but there is truly no better way for exes to continue hurting us after the breakup than to string us along with breadcrumbs and prolong our recovery time. They don’t need to play jealousy games and mind games with us to make us think about them for days.
They have a way easier way of grabbing our attention. And that way involves barely any effort.
All dumpers need to do to shock us and keep us hooked is pick up their phones and send us a simple “Hello.” With just one message, they can give us a tiny bit of attention that makes us feel hopeful and anxious—much like we felt when we got broken up with.
Although the pain from breadcrumbing usually isn’t as bad as breakup pain, breadcrumbs still cause us to experience a lot of anxiety and other uncomfortable stress-related emotions.
The most common difficulties we can encounter when an ex gives us breadcrumbs are:
- extreme anxiety
- increased heart rate
- shortness of breath
- uncontrollable shaking
- difficulty concentrating
- overthinking
How much breadcrumbs from an ex affect us depends on how much we’ve processed the breakup and what kind of things our ex says to us.
In this article, we’ll discuss what breadcrumbing is and how to respond to breadcrumbs from an ex in the best way possible.
Breadcrumbs mean pain
Immediately after the breakup, we spend nearly all our free time thinking about the dumper and unknowingly putting him or her on a pedestal.
The breakup pain makes us believe that the dumper is the next best thing since sliced bread and that we must get back with our ex because our ex is good for us. Little do we know that pain has nothing to do with how good our ex is for us. Pain merely proves that we’re attached and that it’s in our best interest to detach and become emotionally independent again.
But we don’t know that. We don’t know what’s best for us because we’re hurt. That’s why we confuse pain for love and develop a fear of the dumper. We transform the dumper into a person of high value (a person who can control our feelings) and begin to fantasize about what it would be like to get another chance with the dumper.
We think about our ex most of our awake time and even in dreams when we’re asleep. Our ex enters our minds because we’re detoxing from the attachment we had with our ex.
However, when our ex texts or calls us, our ex gives us a little bit of what we crave (validation). He or she makes us feel a bit more in control of our emotions and makes us feel like we’ve received a message from a superstar – from someone who can be with any person and have a super successful relationship with him or her.
Suddenly, the pain we thought we’d worked through comes rushing back at incredible speed—forcing us to relive it. It makes us experience a major emotional setback that can take days to recover from.
But because we value our ex so much, we’re prepared to do nearly anything to restore the bond we lost. Many of us are prepared to beg and plead and take responsibility for our mistakes.
Heck, many of us are willing to take responsibility even for the things we didn’t do. We’re in so much pain that we’re ready to lower our pride and do whatever it takes to get another chance with our ex. We don’t understand or want to understand that self-respect is extremely important and that it plays a big role in getting back with the dumper.
It often decides whether it’s even safe for the dumper to communicate with us.
What are breadcrumbs from an ex?
Breadcrumbing from an ex-partner can be defined as any form of direct or indirect communication that gives you false hope and slows down your healing.
When an ex-partner (the dumper) gives you breadcrumbs, he or she basically sends you mixed signals that convey that your ex has been thinking about you.
By doing so, your ex gives you a little bit of attention you need to cope with anxiety and makes you dependent on him or her for positive results.
Your ex doesn’t even have to say anything hopeful to make you crave him or her. Breadcrumbs alone do all the work for your ex as they remind you of the pain you suffered when your ex pulled the plug on you and rejected you.
With just one message, all the emotions of abandonment, destroyed self-esteem, and hope for reconciliation come flying back at you and make you feel like your ex is on his or her way back to you even though that’s not true.
Breadcrumbs just help your ex get something from you and end up confusing you.
Here are some things the dumper could say to breadcrumb you:
- how are you?
- long time no speak
- I miss you
- I miss the dog
- I’ve heard Jessica is getting married
- I miss our good times
- I just wanted you to know I care about you
- I still love you
Although dumpers usually breadcrumb dumpees via text, that’s not the only way your ex could breadcrumb you.
Your ex could breadcrumb you by:
- texting and calling
- liking your pictures
- commenting on your profile
- adding you back on social media
- or doing something/anything that shows your ex still “cares” about you
Beware of your ex’s breadcrumbs!
It’s very dangerous for your emotional well-being to receive attention from your ex when you’re not ready for it. Just a single message from your ex will likely fire up your repressed anxiety and make you apprehensive about your ex’s feelings and intentions.
High hopes combined with an over-valued dumper will probably make you overanalyze your ex’s messages and make you so anxious that you try to foresee your ex’s next move. This will make you extremely dependent on some kind of positive outcome (on your ex wanting you back) and hurt you even more.
You have to keep in mind that breadcrumbs are not about reconciliation. They’re about the dumper getting something he or she needs from you. Something only you can provide. Your ex likely won’t tell you what that is.
It’s much more likely that your ex will indirectly express himself or herself and try to get things from you without actually asking for them. That would be your ex’s safest option because it would allow your ex to avoid giving you the wrong idea and bringing an unwanted reaction out of you.
The picture below shows different types of breadcrumbs as well as various examples of breadcrumbing.
What do breadcrumbs from an ex mean?
Although your ex’s messages may appear innocent, remember that the real meaning behind breadcrumbs is unknown to you. It’s hidden from you because revealing the plans would make your ex look selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings.
It’d tell you that your ex doesn’t care about you and that he or she just needs something from you.
So even though your ex might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” bear in mind that your ex hasn’t been thinking about giving the broken relationship another chance. Your ex has merely been feeling bad and reached out to stop feeling bad.
That means your ex wanted you to say you’re doing fine so your ex could stop worrying about you and worry about himself or herself more. Self-forgiveness can make it easier for your ex to let go of the fact that he or she broke a commitment and hurt you.
When your ex sends you breadcrumbs, your ex might appear more sympathetic and empathetic than usual. But that would merely imply that your ex is having a difficult time accepting his or her words or actions. It would have nothing to do with your ex’s love for you.
So if you feel nervous when your ex reaches out and have no clue know how to respond to breadcrumbs from your ex, the very first thing you should do is avoid overanalyzing your ex’s words. Analyzing and looking for hidden messages is a huge waste of time and emotions because your ex would have told you if he or she wanted to see you and get back with you.
Your ex would have taken the initiative to reconcile and work hard on earning your trust back. Your ex wouldn’t just send you a bunch of breadcrumbs (meaningless messages) and let you wonder what they meant.
That’s not what dumpers who love you do.
When your ex sends you breadcrumbs, remember that your ex is likely going through something difficult and that your ex needs your help. He or she probably feels bad for hurting you and needs you to forgive him or her. Or if it’s been months and your ex doesn’t feel any guilt, then your ex could just be looking for someone dependable to lean on for support.
That someone could be you because you were the last person he or she had a strong connection with.
With breadcrumbs, your ex could tell you that he or she misses you, loves you, and regrets treating you poorly. What you need to ask yourself is whether your ex truly loves you or just doesn’t love himself or herself enough.
The best way to learn whether your ex wants you back is to wait and see. If your ex wants to see you and talk about the relationship, your ex will tell you that and want you back as soon as possible.
But if your ex just wants to be friends and confide in you, then your ex hasn’t realized anything important yet. Your ex doesn’t see what you bring to the table and is set on staying broken up.
My ex is giving me breadcrumbs
First of all, if your ex is giving you breadcrumbs and the breadcrumbs are hurting you badly, you must understand that your ex isn’t aware of your suffering. Your ex didn’t suffer the way you did (and still do). Instead of suffering, your ex felt elated and focused on enjoying his or her life.
Now that your ex has had enough space to experience the post-breakup life and process the breakup, though, your ex doesn’t need any more space. He or she is ready to be friends or to talk occasionally and pretend as if you were never a couple.
That’s why your ex will give you breadcrumbs such as “I miss you, I care about you” and try to get you to respond to them.
Luckily, most dumpers don’t send such breadcrumbs. Most dumpees just want to have normal conversations and catch up. By catching up, they intend to figure out how their exes are coping with the breakup, what they’re up to, how they feel about them, and whether talking to dumpees is safe and something they even want.
They don’t have to pry a lot to get the information they’re after. They just have to be nice and encourage their exes to open up about their post-breakup lives. Dumpees’ emotions, attitude, and information then tell them how ready they are to talk and whether talking to them is even a good idea.
Why is my ex giving me breadcrumbs?
If your ex gave you breadcrumbs, it’s because your ex wanted something from you. Your ex wanted something no other person on the planet could give him or her. That something could be emotional support, forgiveness, friendship, sex, or perhaps even a familiar person to talk to.
You can figure out what your ex wants/wanted to achieve by breadcrumbing you by examining the things your ex wants from you. If your ex apologizes to you, your ex wants your forgiveness. If your ex wants to know how you feel, your ex probably feels guilty and perhaps even feels a sense of responsibility to check up on you. And if your ex is angry, your ex feels victimized and wants to get back at you for focusing on yourself and getting away so easily.
Please note that you will likely receive breadcrumbs from your ex if you follow the rules of no contact and prove you don’t need your ex. That’s because emotional and physical distance will show your ex that it’s okay to reach out and that you won’t overwhelm your ex with expectations and demands.
You’ll handle the breadcrumbs with confidence and self-respect and avoid pressuring your ex into doing things you want him or her to do.
Once your ex sees your worth and discerns that it’s safe to come out of his or her hiding, your ex will then start giving you breadcrumbs.
Your ex will send you breadcrumbs to:
- alleviate guilt for hurting you
- soothe his/her anxiety (life difficulties, breakup pain, arguments)
- forgive himself/herself and boost his or her positive karma
- obtain validation from you
- find out what you’re up to
- see if you still care about him or her
- cope with boredom
Everything people do, we do because we get something out of it. Everything has a purpose. So as selfless as your ex’s “How are you” may appear, bear in mind that there is nothing selfless about it. It can be quite selfish because breadcrumbs from an ex have an ulterior motive.
They intend to get something from you and give very little in return. You need to remember that so you know how to keep your hopes low and respond to breadcrumbs properly.
Breadcrumbs from an ex can be hard to understand
When your ex breadcrumbs you, your ex probably won’t even understand that he or she is reaching out for selfish purposes. Your ex might think that he or she is being friendly and that you’d like to talk about various things.
That’s because your ex will assume that you’re ready to downgrade to friendship and that it’s normal for exes to be friends. If you then reject something so “normal,” your ex might try to guilt-trip you into staying in touch.
Whatever you do, don’t think that you must stay in touch with your ex and pretend to be friends. Communicating with your ex will significantly increase your dependency on your ex and make your healing journey more complicated. It might also make you wonder if your ex feels something for you and is trying to get back with you.
But as you know, dumpers who breadcrumb exes don’t want their exes back. They just want to figure out what their exes are doing and feeling.
And the safest way for them to figure that out is by sending a simple “Hi.” The dumpees’ response (or a lack of it) tells them everything they need to know because it tells them whether they respect their exes and themselves and if they want to communicate from time to time.
If they show dumpers they want to talk, they invite their exes to reach out whenever they want and risk getting hurt again.
Once your ex has sent you a breadcrumb, your ex will eagerly anticipate your reply and see what you have to say. He or she will especially pay attention to the way you reply; the emojis and words you use, the length of the text, and the excitement you exude. With the first text after no contact, your ex will try to figure out if you still care.
And depending on whether you care, your ex will either keep talking to you or just disappear. Either way, your ex will eventually get what he or she wants because your responses or the lack of them will communicate how you feel and what you want.
They’ll express what you hope to get out of your ex and tell your ex what the best thing to do is.
Even if your ex reaches out just to relieve guilt, and you ignore your ex, your ex won’t cry about it. Your ex will interpret your lack of response in a way that is best for him or her. In this particular case, your ex could think that you’re being mean and/or angry and that an angry person isn’t hurting and is doing just fine.
In such a way, your ex could appease guilt and continue to move on with a clear conscience.
So don’t think you must ignore breadcrumbs or prevent your ex from getting what he or she is after. If you want your ex back, you should at least see what your ex wants and then respond to breadcrumbs in a way that is best for your healing.
Look out for indirect breadcrumbs
If your ex says something like, “How’s your dog,” your ex isn’t reaching out just because of the dog. Your ex is using the dog as a distraction tool to break the ice and take the attention away from a much bigger issue such as the breakup. Always keep in mind that your ex wouldn’t have reached out for something as trivial as your dog.
If your ex missed the dog, your ex would have made plans to play with the dog already.
So don’t think that your ex is reaching out to talk about animals or something currently in your possession. Those are just excuses or tools your ex can use to his or her advantage to lighten the mood. When the two of you have talked for a while and lightened the mood, your ex will probably understand everything he or she wanted to understand.
That’s because your ex will know what you think, feel, want, and need. Your ex will have a decent understanding of what the breakup has been like for you and whether talking to you is something he or she wants.
The reason breadcrumbs are difficult to respond to is that you don’t always know what your ex wants. You don’t know if your ex just wants to talk or if he or she is getting ready to invite you out.
My advice is not to wait for something to happen. An ex who wants you back will feel anxious and ask you to come back right away. He or she won’t waste too much time because he or she will need you to heal and feel better.
So don’t look for the meaning behind the things your ex says for more than a few minutes. A few minutes should be enough to see if your ex is in a hurry to get back with you or if your ex just wants to chat and get something from you.
My ex isn’t giving me any breadcrumbs
If your ex isn’t giving you breadcrumbs, you should consider yourself extremely lucky. Nothing is better than your ex leaving you alone to heal and recover from the breakup.
I know you want to hear from your ex very badly and feel important, but the truth is that you don’t need your ex nor want to hear from your ex.
You already have a lot on your shoulders and don’t need your ex to breadcrumb you on top of that. You don’t need more issues that will hinder your healing and make you wonder if your ex will come back.
So don’t think you’re unlucky that you haven’t heard from your ex yet. You’re actually extremely lucky because you were given a chance to heal without disruptions and false hope. You were left to your own devices and will as a result, recover quicker than dumpees who get strung along for months.
If you don’t believe me, here’s what a random reader of this blog had to say about breadcrumbing. It might change your mind.
“Breadcrumbing from an ex feels like you’re on a strict diet. Every time you receive breadcrumbs, you first feel excited about it. But the moment you swallow that first crumb, you immediately start yearning for more.“
Breadcrumbs are not something you should envy other dumpees for. You should feel bad for the people who get breadcrumbed because they go through a lot of pain and confusion because of their ex. They’re forced to deal with breadcrumbs.
Should I ignore my ex’s breadcrumbs?
Ignoring an ex for any reason at all is immature, rude, and vengeful. So ignoring your ex’s breadcrumbs is probably not the wisest idea.
The only time you should ignore your ex is when your ex insults or threatens you and makes you scared for your safety. Ignoring is also okay if you’ve asked your ex multiple times to give you space and your ex didn’t do that.
In all honesty, if your ex offends you or does something nasty, that wouldn’t even be a breadcrumb. It’d be a direct insult – a way for your ex to relieve stress and get back at you for something you did or didn’t do.
So before you ignore your ex’s breadcrumbs, remember that ignoring your ex is a response too. It tells your ex how you deal with difficult situations and the people who hurt you.
This is why learning how to respond to breadcrumbs from your ex is crucial not only for reconciliation purposes but also for your personal growth.
How to respond to breadcrumbs?
If you’re wondering how to respond to breadcrumbs, know that there are a few simple rules you can adhere to.
The good thing about these rules is that they don’t need you to be mean, uncaring, or rude. You don’t need to do any ignoring to make your ex respect you again and want to be with you.
On the contrary, you can respond to your ex’s breadcrumbs in a sincere, patient, and respectful way.
Here are the rules you should follow if you’re wondering how to respond to breadcrumbs.
What to do when your ex breadcrumbs you?
When your ex breadcrumbs you, you’ll probably feel very confused. You won’t know whether to respond, delay your response, ignore your ex, block your ex, or point out your ex’s inconsiderate behavior. Your ex’s behavior will be difficult to interpret because you’ll be emotional and get your hopes up.
My advice is to relax and not to take your ex’s words literally. Consider them meaningless, empty words that intend to help your ex gain something, get rid of something, or feel something. They have nothing to do with you because your ex has certain intentions.
With that said, here are 4 things you can do when you receive breadcrumbs from your ex:
- Tolerate it: Allow your ex to keep hurting you whenever your ex wants to. That will stop you from moving on.
- Ignore it: Ignore your ex’s every outreach and show your ex that you’re hurt and unwilling to communicate.
- Ask for space: Explain that communication is out of the question and that you want to focus on yourself.
- Get angry with your ex: Call your ex out for throwing breadcrumbs at you and state that breadcrumbs have hurt you deeply.
Unfortunately, there is only one solution to this problem. And that solution is to take your ex’s ability to breadcrumb you away. You must ask for space because that’s the only way your ex will see that you respect yourself and that you don’t want to talk about unimportant things.
Asking for space won’t kill your chances of reconciliation as some dumpees fear. It will just show that you know your worth and that you’re strong enough to pull away.
It won’t be easy to pull away if the breakup just happened because you’ll feel like you’re messing things up with your ex. But keep in mind that asking for space is extremely important because it will let you heal and help your ex understand that the end of the relationship means the end of friendship too.
“Message me if you change your mind”
If you’ve decided to get space from your ex and want to say “Message/call me if you change your mind,” I strongly dissuade you from using this cliche line.
I don’t know who came up with this heartbroken response, but it’s one of the worst things you can exclaim to your ex.
This is true whether you’re responding to breadcrumbs or to your ex breaking up with you. No matter what actions or behavior you’re replying to, telling your ex to contact you if he/she regrets breaking up with you in the future is weak and clingy. It tells your ex that you’re hurt and that you’re waiting for your ex to come back.
And when you tell your ex that you’ll be waiting like a good puppy, your ex will feel even more reluctant to work things out with you. There will simply be no sense of urgency and a need to get back with you.
So remember that your ex doesn’t need to be told to contact you if he or she changes his or her mind. Your ex already knows that. It’s as clear as the sky.
Ask your ex to leave you alone
If you want to know how to respond to breadcrumbs, know that there isn’t one perfect way to do it. Many responses will give you the space you need and show your ex you’re not interested in staying friends.
Choose the reply that fits your personality and works best for your case:
- Hi. I appreciate you reaching out, but I don’t think we should talk yet. We need some more space, so please don’t reach out to me.
- Hey Mark. Would you please not reach out to me anymore? I know you want to stay friends, and I respect that, but this isn’t the time for that. Perhaps we can be friends someday in the future.
- Hi. I see that you want to stay friends, but I don’t think staying friends is what I want right now. Could you please contact me only if there’s an emergency?
- Hi Claudia. I’ve told you multiple times already to let me focus on myself. This time I mean it. Please don’t contact me anymore unless it’s urgent. I’ll have to block you next time.
Once your ex agrees to leave you alone and stops sending you breadcrumbs, thank your ex for cooperating with you and go back into no contact. Be prepared to stay in it as long as it takes (even if it’s forever.)
There is no other way to stop your ex from sending you breadcrumbs than to take control of the breakup and stop your ex from reaching out to you. Asking your ex to stop contacting you is also the quickest way to get over the breakup because you’ll keep your ex away from your heart and boost your healing.
Learning how to respond to breadcrumbs is essential
In this post, we’ve discussed how to respond to breadcrumbs from an ex and what you should do to keep your ex away from you.
From what I see, most dumpees normally entertain their ex for a while. They respond to messages and string themselves along. But a few weeks or months later, they tend to get tired of communicating with the dumper. That’s when they regain some of their lost power and tell their ex to stop contacting them or straight-up to take a hike.
So to avoid getting hurt for no reason and asking for space months later, do it right away. Ask your ex to give you space so you can focus on the things you need to focus on. If your ex respects you and understands what you need, your ex will leave you alone.
And if your ex doesn’t, then your ex will probably keep reaching out and hurting you. You need to be firm when you tell your ex to stop messaging or calling you so that your ex stops resetting your healing.
Every dumpee should know what breadcrumbs are and how to respond to them. Make sure you do your research so that you can weed out unimportant calls or texts and stay away from your ex unless your ex wants you back.
Did this article help you understand how to respond to breadcrumbs from an ex? Do you have any questions about breadcrumbing? Leave your comment below this article. We’d love to hear your thoughts.
And if your ex has been breadcrumbing you for a while and you want our help, get in touch with us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Thanks for the article. Mine messaged asking to be friends after 2 months. I politely said no and to not ask about being friends again and that I hoped they were well. 2 months after I get another message saying “my friendship is still available. You’re my constant companion in my mind.” I felt upset and didn’t reply. I’ve answered this question twice verbally as well and said no, so I was tired even though I miss them.
Hi Ron.
Your ex needs to understand that friendship hurts you and inconveniences you. Two or three nos should be more than enough. You could have warned your ex by saying that another reach out will get him/her blocked, but that’s okay. I hope your ex leaves you alone from now on.
Sincerely,
Zan
A couple of weeks ago, my dumper sent me a “can you send me that recipe” breadcrumb text. It was on a Sunday night, so it was clear to me, he was probably lonely (Sunday’s are always the hardest, imo). He could have googled it. I sent it to him and just said enjoy.
We work together, so part of me staying in no contact involves some strategy to not bump into each other. Things like grabbing mail from the common building when I see his truck is gone and he is in the field, etc. Last week, I left work a few minutes late, and unfortunately, he was walking out of his building. There was no way to duck back into my building without looking obvious. I put my headphones in and tried to pass by and give the courtesy coworker wave. However, he yelled “hey’ to get my attention, then proceeded to stop me just to complain about work politics. I think of this as in person breadcrumbs! Zan has helped me to really see these interactions for what they are and now I almost find them comical. We ended this relationship/situationship 7 months ago. It took a little time, but I eventually went full on no contact over 3 months ago. It was a tremendous help to me. Prior to that, I tried to go no contact, but had a few times I reached out. Never begging, more just checking in. He always responded, and I ALWAYS ended up hopeful and broken hearted all over again. STAY in not contact. Don’t look at is as a mental strategy to “wait out’ your ex’s attention. You really have to consider the relationship over, and truly grieve it. I felt every ounce of heartbreak and sadness through this process. I cried, journaled, exercised, spent time with friends, dated….at the breakup things you are supposed to do. But it still hurt for a good long while. Now, while I do think of him at times, I have come leaps and bounds from where I was thanks to no contact. And the breadcrumbs are almost empowering, especially when I reply in a very benign nonchalant way. I never ignore and I am never rude. Just matter of fact. And I have done some major self-improvement along the way. At first so he would “notice”, and later it was just for me. I no longer hope he realizes my worth and comes back, because now I HAVE realized my worth, and know I deserve someone who I don’t have to jump through hoops for them to love me. Good luck and hang in there.
Hi Jennifer.
Thanks for sharing your story. You’ve come a long way since the breakup. Not only have you improved as a person, but you’ve also learned to handle his breadcrumbs. It’s not easy to work with an ex, so make sure to keep no contact going. It will keep your reconciliation hope low (or as low as it can be) and help you connect with another person when you’re ready for a new connection.
Best wishes,
Zan
this article helped me a little. I’ve never been dumped. i was stupid and texted books and called just to hear his voice i begged him to give me a chance to show I’m better. i was in hospital for depression and anxiety and insomnia and chronic stress when he broke up with me over phone. then said he missed me i went back then he asked me to leave. i would see him on Sundays And only 2 hours in evening. i bailed a lot because he sits there and not talk. i said i didn’t come here to watch you stare out the window. see ya later. “bread crumbs”. he is not good at communicating so when its a tough situation he says nothing . i get the … IDK, I’m not sure, maybe. Six months later he went to 1 therapy session. he wants to see me be my normal Happy Tammy. As we left he wispered I Love You . he had not said that for 6 months.
i have spent 1.5 years bettering myself . i read, i journal, i meditate. another 6 months later he brought my clothing and all my personal items and my motorcycle and my log splitter and my back hoe and my pressure washer and my welder. . until that point i believed we were trying to fix us . but he wasn’t doing anything to communicate or understand me or change . working 80 hours a weeks to tired to talk ot text. so he breadcrumbed me for 1,5 years , i feel so stupid soooooooo stupid. but now hes being nice texting 2 times a day . good morning and hows your day or hope upu have a bgood day. whats his deal ?????when will my shattered heart stop huirting . i know pain i divorced two husband . 1 was abusive 1 became addicted to opiods after surgeries . my mother died young my dad i worked with 35 years pASSED RIGHT BEFORE HE BROKE UP WITH ME .
i never met anyone i loved being with so much. we have so much in common . and no kids no baggage . we love the outdoors , camping . we both love trucks and motorcylcles , and dancing .
i feel as though i wont recover from this . im not a spring chicken anymore .
Hi Tammy.
Your ex is breadcrumbing you. This means he’s reaching out for unimportant reasons. If you want to heal and be happy, Tammy, you have to cut him off immediately. Tell him you don’t want to stay in touch and that you need space. He needs to respect that.
If he doesn’t, warn him you’ll block him and then eventually do that if he doesn’t listen.
Hang in there!
Zan
My ex finished with me after 4 months but said he was keen to stay friends. A few weeks later I found out he was seeing someone he works with (he had known her for over a year before they got together.) Before I found out, my gut was to say I needed space. However I was scared that he’d never contact me again, so I went along with it. It was difficult to hear from him, because he would contact me on his terms. I confronted him after I found out and apologised a few weeks later for my behaviour. 2 months later he sent me an SMS on my birthday saying he hoped I was good. He didn’t respond when I answered asking how he was. I spent my birthday feeling bad. Is it beyond the point, where I can now ask for space if he ever contacts me again? Will he think I’m strange to ask for space this far down the line? Thank you
Hi Laura.
He may ask why you need space, but it doesn’t matter. Don’t worry about what he thinks. Now that you’re no longer together, you need to worry about yourself. You need to go no contact so you can heal and let him see you’re not chasing and desperate for him.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Laura,
The pain and anguish will not stop; I promise you if you continue to respond. Been over 2 years, just one without including intimacy. Got a FB message (I blocked her) responding to an event that was catering “I’m here”. There were 20,000 ppl at this event and it was unlikely we would connect even through she knows were to find me. See this was yesterday, stop the bleeding and politely ask him/her to leave you alone so you can heal w/o disruptions and false hopes.
Warmly,
Scott
We were in long term LDR. We met online and were in relation for 9 months. We had a break up 19 days back. He dumped me saying that he can’t see us together in future in a serious relationship and also blamed me for the breakup. I also did a little bit pleading which did not work. In the end when i got tired of everything i got angry and said to him that i hate him for the first time to which he said thank U and i said welcome. He then said one another message from me will make him block me. I said “block me i do not need you in my life now” and “goodbye forever”.
I went in no contact and now less than 20 days of break up he called me when I was least expecting him to show up again in my life. I actually got extremely busy in my career and in self improvement. I almost had buried him and the relation with him but I was expecting that he will contact me again. But now I do not have anything to do with him or can imagine a future with him. So the next day I received a whatsapp deleted message. To which i responded with “?” He ignored it and asked “u ok?”
I ignored it and asked “Why did you call ? ” He said “idk”. It made me more angry. I said ” What do you want?” He said “nothing. sorry, bye. I also said Bye. He then asked again. ” r u ok?” It made me more angry. I after almost a 1 min pause said “Yes i am ” He said, ” i just wanted to know this and take care and bye. I said
” Never come back again”. He said . ” Don’t reply next time” I said “You will not contact me next time” He said “okay”. “Deleting your number for life time now”. I said “ok”. I was then feeling bad that it was so nice of him that he came to ask about my well being and I behaved too harshly and was planning to say sorry for being rude and will go in no contact again after saying that to get over my guilt. But it was just a breadcrumbing i think or was it something serious. What do you think. Did i make a mistake or was it a right thing to do. Kindly guide.
Regards.
Hi Opal.
You’re both just reacting to each other. You need to ask him not to reach out next time he contacts you. The guy had been thinking about you, so he messaged you to let you know you were on his mind. In other words, he breadcrumbed you and must be dealt with swiftly.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex called and I didn’t pick up because I was busy. Not even 5 minutes later I saw he blocked me. I didn’t reach out and 2.5 wks later he unblocked me. I wasn’t sure if I should have called back but I thought to myself, blocking me was a power move of sorts…purely ego based. I think I made the right choice but only time will tell if he reaches out again. Meanwhile, this past month (since splitting up) I’ve been focused on my self development.
Hi there.
You shouldn’t have called him back. Your ex has all the power and needs to cool off and put in the effort. Let him come to you no matter what.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex reached out. However I don´t know if she was breadcumbing or If I screwed it up. She texted after 3 weeks of no contact through Instagram asking how I was. She later asked If I already had anyone, and I said that I was busy and didn´t have time for meeting someone. As the conversation progressed I was trying to speak in a humorous way and she asked If I was making fun of her(?) and I said that I was just talking in a friendly humurous way. After a few text messages I sent an overly flirtatious text and she went cold. The next day she wasn´t responding.I thought I missed the chance to get her on a date, so I called her at night wondering if she wanted to catch up. She didn´t answer the call. The nest day she asked why I called and I said I wanted to know if she wanted to catch up. She said that due to exams right now she couldn´t. We kept talking and she said that she had been having more problems with her family and I said if she needed anything she could talk to me. She stopped responding after that. A few days later my birthday came up and she congratulated me. We started talking again, but although she was sweet the first few messages she went cold again after a mild flirty message. Her birthday came up 2 days later and I sent her a text wishing her “Happy birthday” and “Have fun”she replied with “Thanks” so I liked her dm and left it at that. Was she breadcumbing me when she reached out or did I mess it up? Did I overpursue? And what should I do now? Go back to no contact?
Hi Josh.
You probably overwhelmed her a little bit. You tried to fake confidence and humor and it didn’t work as she wasn’t in the mood for it. She just wanted to know how you were doing. Nothing more, nothing less.
Now you should go back to no contact and stay in it.
Best regards,
Zan
This article is… it’s just… wow, I’m speechless. Thank you for writing it, it’s lifesaving. I need help figuring out what a man I dumped is doing. We were online “lovers” for half a year and I left him because the relationship had no future, we are divided by an ocean. He was hurt and tried messaging me, but when I asked him nicely not to write me again, he stopped. We were not in touch for a year or so and one day he emailed me that he allowed himself this one message to let me know he thinks about me because he may come to my country. I wrote him back and my message was, say, 20 lines whereas his was 10. He replied with 10 lines again. I replied with 10, he replied with one. So I asked him if he wants to meet and he said no, to which I replied that I don’t want to continue this exchange and he went silent. This was like a year ago and because of covid he didn’t come to my country. Now he has indeed come and he is doing the thing again! Writing me a paragraph, I reply with a paragraph, then he replies with one sentence, I reply with one word, he stops writing. He does not answer any of my questions or comments on what I tell him about my life. My question is: what is he doing this for if he doesn’t want to be in touch??
The girl that’s driving me mad does the same. She always avoid answering to questions she doesn’t like. She simply ignores them. I can’t never get the truth out of her. She never gives me the whole picture about her life or any situation she’s on. At the beginning I thought she was doing this because she didn’t know if she can really trust me or not but after one whole year, that’s no longer an explanation.
Hi Lenami.
It’s hard to say what he wants, but perhaps he’s leaving the door open. If he were serious, though, he would have communicated better. Guys who want to be with you are consistent at what they do. Those who have other options or are busy with things that are more important to them tend not to.
Sincerely,
Zan
I’m in this situation.
She dumped me almost 4 months ago. I went no contact from the very next day. I’ve been in radio silence for the next two months.
She reached out for my birthday (Despite I didn’t wish for hers which was just two days before mine).
We started exchanging some messages but I kept the chat short (I feared that she might have tried to put me in friendzone by starting to chat a lot). I then asked her to call me in the weekend to have a talk. She refused. I told her to let me know when she cleared her schedule and cut the conversation. She called me, out of the blue, the following weekend. I didn’t answer because I was busy. I offered to reschedule the call but she dodged my offer.
She texted me during the following week but was then slow to answer.
She called me the following weekend but, once again, I was busy. I called her back and we spoke for a while. She didn’t say much, just that she was tired and stressed because of her job (Which is what she has been telling me for months before she dumped me).
We exchanged few messages the following week but, once again, it took her ages to reply.
The following Saturday she called me out of the blue when it was like 1 a.m. for her. I asked her where she was and she told me she was at her place. After a while she told me she was sad and disappointed but didn’t want to explain why. At that point she received another call and she asked me not to hang on her but once she picked that call the line was cut. She called me back few minutes later and I let the phone ring for a while. I was pissed off because she always does this: when she receive a call from someone else she will close the call with me. When I answered she asked me, with a certain irritation: “What are you doing?”. I said I was doing nothing and I was just far from the phone and, for this reason, it took me a while to answer the call.
She then asked me: “Are you seeing someone else?”. I wasn’t expecting that question. I pretended not to understand it because, since she reached out, she didn’t say anything about the alleged other dude she dumped me for. Hence, I felt it was unfair for her to ask me that question when she didn’t say if she was still seeing the other dude or not.
At this point she told me that she was sad and disappointed because she was in an hotel with her colleagues and one of them was supposed to share the room with her but ended up sleeping in another room. She referred to this colleague at times as a he and at times as a she… When I called her out on telling me, at the beginning of the call, that she was at “her place” only to discover, later on, that she was in an hotel, she said that by “at her place” she meant the island in which she’s living…
The thing got under my skin. I felt like she was rubbing in my face that she was sleeping with someone else. I ended the call almost immediately.
Now, I don’t know why she did all this. I don’t know if she was telling me the truth or she was just making things up to make me jealous.
I didn’t her from her for the following week. I texted her almost 10 days later asking her if she solved this issue with this colleague. She answered back, one day later, saying she slept by herself. When I asked her if she has talked to this colleague about it, she dodged my question.
I asked her to set a call for that Sunday and she ghosted me. Five days later, I wrote a message telling her that I found disrespectful her behavior (i.e. ghosting me). I told her I wasn’t sure why she reached out after all that has happened between the two of us and I told her that the next summer I will be travelling near to where she lives and I want to meet her.
She apologized saying she didn’t mean to ghost me and, once again, blaming her job saying she is too busy. She then added that she thought that we are friends…
In the last message I sent to her I told her that I have no idea where she got this idea that the two of us are friends since I told her clearly, when she dumped me, that for me she isn’t just a friend. I told her that I’m ready to have a talk if she is willing to tell me clearly what she’s been up to in these last 6 months and to let me know if she wants to meet me next August.
One week has passed and she still didn’t answer… She ghosted me again.
What if my ex is indirectly contacting me… creating social media accounts, fake emails, fake numbers, and sending me nonsensical chats, likely to boost her self-esteem? Do I do #3, ask for space to the fake account (obviously my ex), and then if the behavior continues without contacting me directly, and from fake names with insinuations of things we know, subliminal messages to gauge my interest – is it ok to block and ignore any future accounts at that point? The other option – should I say I don’t know who this is, I am blocking you, I only respond to people I know (sounds insecure and hurt)?
It seems obvious disrespect to continue to create fake emails, phone numbers, social media accounts to message me rather than message me directly from her personal number with fake names. The behavior is so ridiculous and obsessive, like the names can be unscrambled to be things we understand with no ambiguity that it is her.
Hi Joshua.
It’s perfectly acceptable to block those accounts. You can tell them you’re blocking them or just block them. It’s up to you and how you want to handle it. Your ex seems obsessed with you. If you left her, she’s heartbroken. But if she left you, she might be regretting leaving you or just wants some kind of control over the situation.
Sincerely,
Zan
What if I’m not really bothered by her breadcrumbs because it’s been a month or so and I’ve been going on dates?
My ex would occasionally update me on things I don’t really care about such as her friends breaking up, I reply with very simple sentences. or most recently she just reached out to me to ask me about this software I’ve helped her download during the relationship,
She knew I was online through Discord and finished work, plus she knows that I know she needs it for online tutoring for her students, so I didn’t mind just giving her a very short reply.
I’m not sure if I should use the “Give me the same and only reach out to me unless it’s really important” sentence. On one hand I don’t get bothered by her breadcrumbs, but on another hand I did tell her before I don’t want to be friends and she knows this.
I kind of want her to only reach out for reconciliation. What are my options here?
Hi msn.
It depends on what you want. If you can handle breadcrumbs and are okay with things staying the way they are, then you can keep replying to her. But if you don’t want that and want more, then perhaps you should consider putting an end to her breadcrumbing.
Best,
Zan
I cant even explain how true this article is ….8 months of bread crumbing ive gotten and even after saying 4 months ago we dont need to talk and or communicate as it still was happening ..just at different timelines longer times apart before ‘whack a mole comes in’ ..this article was soo good to read again and again zan , Thank you. i have to continue working on myself and have clarification for the next time she reaches out . just an fyi not ONCE have i ever reached out either!!!! Going foreword i will definitely have to say something to stop this non sense as its doing no good value to my soul and healing thanks again. For anyone out there, listen to Zans advice and read a few times about this bread crumbing if you have too…as its as real as it gets . First hand i know .. Only you will be able to decide whats right for yourself in your situation. cheers to all
Hi DR.
Breadcrumbing is probably one of the worst things the dumper can do to you. It keeps confusing you and setting you back emotionally, so it’s best to cut it out early on. Next time she reaches out, you’ll have to state again strongly not to reach out. Tell her you need time to yourself and that you need her to respect that. If that doesn’t work and it keeps hurting you, then you’ll have to block her.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks for the great article Zan! I am currently going through a break up with a girl who I found she was an avoidant after she dumped me for no clear reason. She treated me really badly after the breakup. I didn’t beg, just asked for a clear conversation about the reasons of dumping me some days after the break up, to which the only response I got was silence. I applied No contact for 3 months and she just texted me back, that’s how I found this article thinking she was breadcrumbing me. She wrote me to know how I was doing and hoping I was having a great success with my new job and projects. She also added she understood if I didn’t want to talk, which to my eyes in that moment added some honesty to the message. I took some days to respond as I felt very confused, but I was concise and honest. After that, we wrote each other for a couple of days (always her taking the iniciative), we met “by accident” and we kissed. Then, even though she took the iniciative herself of keeping contact with me, I haven’t heard from her in almost two weeks. The only (what Inconsider) mistake I made, was to propose her to come to my place to have sex (a week after we kissed) because I felt she left the door open to that (in fact, those kisses would have ended in sex that first night we saw each other but both decided not to do it because we were extremely tired after a long day of work), but she responded that she couldn’t make it cause she was busy. Feeling used as a piece of paper and very confused. Back to no contact. I would really appreciate if I could get some advice. Hope you are all doing great!
Hi APM.
All your ex wanted was to see how you were doing. But because you kept talking, she started to feel smothered and tired and decided to get space again. Next time you hear from her, know that it’s a breadcrumb and that she needs much more than talking to fall back in love with you. She needs to realize your worth. Continue losing hope, APM. You’ve got to focus on healing and moving on.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
If we send one of this detachment message to our ex, would that means that we will never hear from them again? What if he actually regret the decision about breaking up? Then try to test the water first to see where we’re at?
Hi Holly.
If you send your ex a detachment message, it doesn’t mean that you’ll never hear from your ex again. All it means is that you’ll ask for space and time to focus on yourself and heal. Your ex has to be the one to muster up the courage to ask to get back together.
Kind regards,
Zan
I really wish I had found this article before my ex texted me after a month long silence. I was the one who had dumped him, actually.
Had heard nothing since until he sent me a sentimental message saying he was thinking of me out of the blue. I jumped straight in saying I missed him , I apologised for rashly dumping him, and after a few texts establishing that we missed each other I suggested a romantic plan. He got spooked and didn’t reply. I then sent a 🙁
No reply.
I literally did everything wrong! Should have been cool. I spooked him and looked desperate. Was just so keen to show him I wasn’t angry any more. Don’t like game playing but it kills me that I missed the chance to reconnect as he is everything to me. But have left it now for 5 days. Got to retain some dignity.
Gutted
Hi Claire.
Your ex was just testing the waters. It wouldn’t have made any difference if you replied coldly. He wasn’t set on getting back with you, so he ignored you instead. Stay in no contact and don’t fall for his breadcrumbs anymore.
Kind regards,
Zan
You chose to leave the relationship rather than work on it and now you are having regrets. Leave your ex and his new spouse alone.
Hi Johnny, a very interesting post you wrote there & a very similar situation I find myself in 9 months after she left me cause I didn’t want any more children and she did, even after I agreed to have a baby with her but it was all to late she already met someone else (BTW it was while I was out of town dealing with my dying dad) unlike your ex’s texts and calls her random texts were never anything about missing me or wanting to get back together, just stuff that was going on in her life and asking how I’ve been etc… I to now have learnt about “breadcrumbing” and how detrimental it is to the dumpee’s ability to heal and move on, unfortunately ive falling into depression since the breakup but I feel I may be recovering since I didn’t reply to her latest text, It was about a month ago and I just thought no more of this! don’t reply and finally you may turn a corner and heel and move on. Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated….
You know your healing when you can actually use your ex’s breadcrumbs against them to create anxiety.
Alot of times they used breadcrumbs to make sure you’re still in backup plan mode ..so they can explore the world and date who ever that what.
This is a really helpful article in terms of explaining why exes leave breadcrumbs. I recently had an ex, who is honestly a very good and kind person, but obviously not infallible. She is the one who ended it. She sent me a text late one night that basically said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “I know we’re in no contact and that I shouldn’t do this, but I’ve had too much to drink, so I’m doing it anyway. I hope you’re doing well!”
It was completely lacking in substance, as breadcrumbs do. I replied the next morning because I didn’t want to be rude, but didn’t know exactly what to say. My response was that I was happy she was out having a good time, thanked her for hoping I’m doing well, and that I hope she is doing well too. I didn’t say I am or am not doing well.
Honestly, I am open to communicating with her so I didn’t want to close the door, but I also didn’t want to take the bait either. Now I’m second guessing myself about the type of message I just sent her. Just want to get feedback on what you think of my response to her? Did I completely shut her out, give her what she wanted, was it appropriate, or a combination of things?
My ex (son’s father) and I broke up a year ago because he didn’t work for a few years after getting a settlement at work and I wanted to leave so he would get himself together. Well, a year later (now), he says he met someone and they’re serious. He also is working now. He texted me after saying “this isn’t what I wanted, I wanted my family. But I can’t hurt her. She is innocent and I care about her. I’m sorry”. He texted me a week later saying he just wants to die because he is sad he won’t live with his son full time ever again. I can’t really tell him to stop texting as we share a kid. I also want him back, obviously. IDK what to do. This is bread crumbing for sure.
I would suggest let him know you do still care about him, but it is best he contact you only when it concerns his son. If he does not honor your wishes. Let him know again.
I think for your sanity sake, you should not tolerate this selfish behaviour, because that’s how he is coming across. It’s all about him.
Stay strong 💪
Thank you so much for the reply and advice <3
Hello, first I like to thank the author for writing up the article. It’s for me the first time to realize there’s a name for this phenomenon.
As I have read all comments and found some solace in them, I’d like to add my current experience and story.
The last breadcrumb I recieved last night by email as I have blocked him everywhere else. It’s a picture of him holding keys to his new home. I have not responded yet as I am deeply distressed and hurt (once again). Two weeks ago I did reply and wished him lots of fun there. I said I am still hurt. Maybe I need to be very specific in this hopefully last reply if I can find the strength to do it.
We were together for around 10 months. I had been ready for a new relationship after a major break up with child involved a year before. I admired him and we had a massive click. Not only but first and foremost sexually. Over the months I became as well very attached to him and fond of him as a person and we had been making plans for our future. He took me to see his parents abroad.Then two bad things happened shortly after another: first, I had to move out of my apartment short notice and he told me he wouldn’t want to live with me (at the present moment). Anyways I had to move out and find a new place on my own, that’s when he “helped me” and he made me pregnant at my new place first thing. So the second blow was that dumped me as soon as I found out about my pregnancy. He threatened me to be gone to another country and that I’d never find out about him and had to have the child alone if that’s what I wanted. I had been dreaming about having a baby with him and he knew that very well. He also knew explicitly that I put my wish in his hands and was not on the pill. Anyhow, I had to terminate the pregnancy as I was not able to run the risk of raising another child alone, with great pain and suffering of my heart and soul. I am already a single mother and it’s very hard. We were still together after the abortion. He said he would be able to handle my pain and feelings after but he did not. He quit by text one night, saying we wouldn’t match.
My life has been very difficult past year and I have problems in healing and trusting, the pain of loosing our baby is huge.
Now, 12 months later I recieve texts from for my birthday in Sept, for diwali in Nov and for the New Year 2021, as well as last night.
I had seen him once after the break-up in March to talk. He kept the conversation casual and didn’t regret anything. He “offered” me to become friends with benefits back then which I said NO to. Now he wants to be just friends with me, telling me he bought a house for himself.
I am about to move away from this expensive city as I have lost my work and income. His breadcrumb about his house hurts me deeply, he has now twice used this to contact me. I can’t go back to someone so cruel and unpredictable. But still I’m struggling to pick and send one of the messages asking for closure. I guess I have to. He has ignored me asking for no contact before. I am so hurt that I cannot find the strength to even end this properly.
Wow he sounds like a next level douchebag. It’s so weird we can miss these kind of people who resemble monsters rather.
My ex is nowhere near as evil as this guy and I still feel really stupid for missing her.
I hope the both of us will reach the phase others mention. Where we look back at our exes and wonder what we saw in them in the first place.
Hi Andreas, thanks for sharing your thoughts! Is your ex sending you breadcrumbs, too? I hope we’ll indeed get over the person finally and better sooner than later!
Yes, I sent him one of the example detachment messages mentioned here in the article and felt better for a moment, only to get an instant reply and another new. He asks me now how I would furniture and paint his living room, sent again an image. I cannot find words for this… what is this?!?
I just sent a second rmessage one from the list, which I am thankful to have found, at least don’t have to crack my head over what to write.
I will learn from this, this didn’t happen for no reason. He won’t ever see me again.