How To Do No Contact The Right Way?

There are many types of no contact. There’s the 7-day no contact, 15-day no contact, 21-day no contact, and perhaps the most notorious one, the 30-day no contact rule. There are also longer no contact rules such as the 45 and the 60-day NC, but they’re much less frequently advocated—mainly because advocates of such rules know dumpees don’t want to wait that long to get their ex back.

Unfortunately, all of the above rules are limited no contact rules. They suggest giving your ex space for a pre-set number of days before you continue to beg and pester your ex for another chance.

Well, that’s not how no contact should be done.

No person on this planet can guarantee that your ex will process the separation after a certain number of days or months. Your ex could still despise you or feel suffocated by you by the time you finish no contact, reach out, and hope your ex will be more receptive to talking and working things out.

If you reach out when your ex isn’t ready, your ex will feel trapped and maybe even guilt-tripped. The point is that your ex will feel tempted to push you away by force, destroy your no contact expectations, and hurt you with his or her lack of care and affection.

Another rejection will make you suffer a painful emotional setback and delay both your and your ex’s recovery process.

Therefore, no contact shouldn’t be broken by you (the dumpee). It should be broken by your dumper ex. This could happen days, weeks, months, or years into no contact when your ex stops needing space, becomes curious about you, feels bored, needs help or validation, wants friendship/friendship with benefits, or redevelops feelings.

Your ex will reach out and enjoy talking to you when you least expect him or her to – when he or she has the incentive to reach out and talk to you, not when you’re anxious and think it’s time to get back in touch and knock some sense into your ex.

So ignore the fear that you’re losing your ex with each passing day and forget the idea that you must do something to stop your ex from moving on (with someone else). You don’t have the ability to stop your ex from having fun and make your ex love you again. If you had that ability, you wouldn’t have to do no contact.

You could just stay in touch and tell your ex how badly you want to be together.

No contact is indefinite. It starts with the breakup and ends with reconciliation or loss of feelings. It mustn’t end on your terms when you still have feelings because it will show you’re trying to control the breakup and make your ex think, feel, and do what you want (not what your ex wants).

No contact is about accepting your ex’s decisions and feelings and letting go of control. It’s a rare opportunity to improve self-control and show your ex you respect his or her feelings or the lack of them.

You won’t respect your ex’s feelings if you break no contact and force your learnings and improvements onto your ex. Instead, you’ll disrespect your ex and his or her need for space and quiet.

You’ll make your ex feel trapped and cause him or her to run for the hills.

Always remember that your ex knows who you are and what your intentions are. Your ex knows when you’re desperate, anxious, sad, and miserable and that your ex won’t let you get close to him or her. Any attempts to get close will be met with resistance and self-defensive actions that hurt your self-esteem and lower your attractiveness (chances of getting back together).

So if you’re going to do no contact, make sure it’s indefinite no contact. You can’t predict when your ex will want or need to talk to you, so you may as well stay in no contact and keep healing. Work on letting go of hope and remember that your ex will reach out if he or she feels like it.

It may be just a breadcrumb, but at least your ex will contact you rather than you taking a shot in the dark and hoping your ex has fully processed the things he or she needed to process. The only way you’ll know your ex is ready to talk (even if for a minute) is if your ex reaches out to you and asks you for time, information, validation, or help.

By seeing your ex want to talk, you won’t risk smothering your ex and making your ex lose his or her remaining respect and interest.

Thus, it’s important to learn how to do no contact the right way. Learning the rules of no contact and ignoring deceptive no contact rules made up by charlatans is important not just for your growth and health, but also for retaining value and reattracting your ex when or if your ex improves his or her perception of you.

If your ex is angry and bitter, no contact will slowly make your ex distance him/herself from relationship problems and shift his or her focus to more productive things. Things that empower your ex with positivity and joy.

However, if your ex is neutral about the whole thing and wants to be your friend, no contact will force your ex to respect your healing and leave you alone unless he or she has a change of heart and wants you back.

No contact may have gained popularity and attracted the wrong kind of coaches in the last couple of decades, but it has always been a universal plan for preserving value and getting over the breakup. No contact allows the dumper to reflect (typically after failure) and compare life after the breakup to life before the breakup.

If the dumper discerns life was better before, he or she could reach out to the dumper, apologize, and ask for another chance. Personal failure and pain as well as the power of no contact after the breakup could encourage the dumper to get back with the dumpee before the dumpee moves on and meets someone else.

In this post, we discuss how to do no contact if you want your ex back or just get over the breakup.

How to do no contact properly?

Whether you want your ex back or not, you must do no contact the right way. The right way includes following all its rules all the time. No calling, texting, liking, watching stories, sending flowers and gifts, or communicating through friends and family (unless it’s about belongings or shared responsibilities).

No contact means no contact. Disappear off the face of the Earth and let your ex enjoy the space and freedom provided by the breakup. He or she broke up with you to stop investing time and energy in you, so distance yourself from your ex and give your ex what he or she wants.

Show your ex that you respect his or her privacy and need to self-prioritize and live life on his/her terms. By leaving your ex alone, you won’t only respect your ex, but also make your ex respect you because your ex will see that you have the strength and willpower to mind your own business and take care of yourself.

Breakups are difficult. Any ex who’d been dumped before knows that they trigger separation anxiety, depression, and desperation for love and recognition. They turn dumpees into attention-deprived junkies who need a fix from their ex to function, enjoy life, and live with purpose.

Because dumpers know how crazy dumpees get, they often expect their ex to chase them and make their life difficult. They fear their ex will show up at their house/work, send them love letters, call them names, and harass their new partner. These are just some of their fears.

Other fears include words and actions that guilt-trip them, suffocate them, and force them to communicate and help their ex love him/herself.

If you don’t want to make your ex uncomfortable and ruin your ex’s perception of you, learn how to do no contact properly. Convince your brain that post-breakup communication is a no-no and that breakup mistakes such as sending your ex gifts and letters will decrease, if not destroy your ex’s respect for you.

The more you act on your emotions and the more mistakes you make, the smaller the chance that your ex will treat you with respect and want you back when he or she gets into a pickle and wonders about you.

Hence, there is only one way to do no contact – by going full no contact. It involves 0 direct or indirect communication and lots of time and patience. No contact’s main objective is to help you detach from your ex. If detachment makes you look attractive in the process and brings your ex back, it’s a bonus.

You get one more chance to be with your ex and do things right.

During no contact, you’ll feel tempted to check up on your ex, so try to resist the temptation. If your ex posts something you’re not ready to see, you could break no contact and let your ex know what you think and feel. That would be a major setback for your healing and your ex’s curiosity and respect.

To do no contact right, you must persevere and stay in no contact no matter how hurt you feel. Even if something bad happens, you must remember that it doesn’t concern your ex anymore and that breaking no contact will make things worse for you and your ex.

It’s hard to start no contact after the breakup and pretend you’re okay when you’re not. But despite it being hard, remember that your ex isn’t waiting for you to initiate contact, apologize, and ask for another chance. Your ex is staying away from you because space gives him or her peace of mind and control over the breakup.

If you want to do no contact as well as possible, avoid checking up on your ex and making other unnecessary mistakes. Remind yourself that a part of no contact is preserving your worth and getting over your ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend.

When you’re over your ex, your opinion of your ex and dependence on your ex will change. Meaning, you’ll be happier, more attractive, and have a higher chance of reattracting your ex.

Getting over your ex doesn’t mean despising your ex and not wanting your ex back. It means recovering emotionally and functioning independently.

But if during no contact you realize that your ex treated you poorly or that you weren’t compatible, you might stop wanting to reconcile with your ex. The thought of getting back with your ex could make you feel uncomfortable and want things to stay the way they are.

There’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t be afraid of not wanting your ex back if you do no contact. Be afraid of staying hooked on your ex if you don’t do no contact. Every day you waste obsessing over your ex, you miss out on improving yourself and moving forward with your life.

The rules of no contact will help you with that. They’ll teach you to love yourself more than your ex or any other person. Make sure to familiarize yourself with breakup guidelines and surround yourself with people who’ve been through breakups and know what’s best for you.

With that said, here’s how to do no contact if you were dumped.

Persevere on your bad/doubtful days

There will likely be times when you feel anxious and scared and doubt the effectiveness of the no contact rule. You might read or hear something about no contact and think that you’re doing the opposite of what you’re supposed to be doing. Conflicting information and pain will essentially make you look for excuses to break no contact and try a more active approach.

Before you give in to fear and self-doubt, remember that the alternative to no contact is full contact. Instead of leaving your ex to his or her devices, you can text or call your ex and see what your ex truly thinks and feels about you. Soon, you’ll learn the hard way that you can’t reason with a determined dumper and that reaching out has smothered your ex and made you even more dependent on your ex for healing.

I suggest that you read some articles on dumpees breaking no contact and the consequences their impulsive actions had on them. That should prevent you from acting on emotions and making things difficult for yourself.

No contact isn’t a race. It’s not something you put up with for a few days and then start/resume bombarding your ex with love and affection. No contact is permanent. You commit to it like a romantic relationship and wait for something to change your ex’s perception of you and the decision to leave.

When your ex changes his or her opinion about you and wants to be with you, your ex will come to you and express the wish to work on the relationship with you. You won’t have to do anything but wait for your ex to lower his or her pride, contact you, and tell you the magic words.

It doesn’t matter how confused, stubborn, angry, or victimized your ex feels. If your ex wants you back, your ex will be the one to end no contact and ask you to provide love and security.

If your ex doesn’t want you back, your ex won’t reach out to you. Your ex will either leave you alone or waste your time by breadcrumbing you. You should learn a thing or two about breadcrumbs so you don’t think you should change your approach as soon as your ex reaches out.

To put it simply, you don’t have to change anything unless your ex regrets leaving you and talks about getting back with you. You just need to make an excuse to leave the conversation and go back to no contact.

You may feel tempted to correct your mistakes and impress your ex, but keep in mind that a breadcrumbing ex isn’t looking for changes and improvements in you. He or she is looking for forgiveness, entertainment, support, information, or something that doesn’t help you at all.

When the conversation has nothing to do with reconciliation, you must stop interacting with your ex and avoid analyzing your ex’s new life.

In conclusion, no contact often requires immense willpower to start and maintain. It can be hard at first, but it gets easier the longer you stay in it. 2 or 3 months into no contact, you’ll know how to do no contact properly and what to avoid. You should miss your ex less and have a much easier time coping with the breakup.

Let us know if you have any tips on how to do no contact properly. Post your comments below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.