Does My Ex Want Me Back Or Is He Using Me?

When an ex sends you mixed signals, it can feel like he’s into you one moment and using you or not sure about you the next. His hot and cold, push and pull behavior can trigger your breakup anxiety and make you crave the person he can be rather than the person he is.

It’s important to differentiate between your ex wanting you back and your ex using you for selfish gain so you don’t let your ex do what he wants and string you along. You want to put an end to your separation anxiety and get your happiness back, hence why you have to act immediately. You have to discover whether your ex feels love for you or perhaps just feels guilty, sad, bored, or aroused.

There’s a reason (or reasons) your ex is seeking your attention. Finding those reasons will not only give you a better understanding of your breakup situation but also make your breakup black or white. What I mean by that is that it will either ease your anxiety and mentally prepare you for your ex coming back or it will tell you that your ex is using you and help you give him a kick in the butt.

The sooner you get to the bottom of your ex’s behavior, the better it is for your emotional health because you don’t want your ex to stay in your life for months and make your detachment process more difficult than it has to be. You want your ex to make up his mind in just a day or two.

Two days or so are enough for you to find out whether your ex wants you back or if he’s using you for validation, support, sex, or something only you can provide.

You basically need to give the guy just a little bit of time to express his regret/love and show how serious he is about making the relationship work.

If you give him days or weeks of time and he doesn’t make a romantic move on you, you can be certain that he hasn’t come back for you. He’s come back for himself to use you and get the second-best thing from you which is friendship without commitment.

It’s in your best interest not to settle for a friendship with an ex. Friendship will keep you starving and make you hopeful that your ex will one day want to be with you. That means you’ll keep waiting and waiting even though, ex-couples seldom get back together after downgrading to friends.

More often than not, they want different things from each other, so they just fail to make each other happy.

This article is for dumpees who want to know whether their ex is using them and not interested in getting back with them.

Does my ex want me back or is he using me?

If you’re wondering, “Does my ex want me back or is he using me,” know that there are many ways to check if he wants you back. We’ve already mentioned the most important one – time. If he doesn’t apologize and ask you back within a few days of re-establishing communication, it’s evident that he isn’t as interested in you as you are in him.

He’s in a completely different mindset and likely won’t get back with you any time soon. He’ll probably keep you at his arm’s length as just a friend and continue to extract what he can from you. I know this seems like a horrible thing to say, but that’s what many detached ex-boyfriends do.

They talk to their dumpee when it’s convenient for them and stop communicating when they’re busy with themselves or other people. By doing so, they get the best of both worlds which is to keep the dumpee in their lives and not have to commit to him or her romantically. They have no idea that they’re making their ex emotionally hooked on them and that their ex is hoping for more than friendship.

So if you’re trying to figure out if your ex wants you back, look at how long it’s been since he started treating you this way. If it’s been days and he’s still not showing eagerness to commit, you have a very good sign that he’s not talking to you because he wants to “get to know you” but because he wants or needs something from you.

I’m talking about some kind of post-relationship benefit.

One of those relationship benefits could be sex because sex is sometimes a craving dumpers miss. They want it despite knowing that their dumpee can’t fulfill their emotional (relationship) needs and make them happy. That’s why they often use their ex for sexual fulfillment—even though sex is the last thing the dumpee should partake in with the dumper.

Sex doesn’t help dumpees detach and find inner peace. On the contrary, it confuses them and makes them think that their ex still finds them attractive, valuable, and worth spending time with.

If your ex is sleeping with you and not communicating about getting back together as a couple, you need to know that the odds of your ex using you for sex are high. The guy doesn’t know or care that he’s giving you tons of false hope and delaying your healing because all he wants is to satisfy his sexual urges and keep moving on.

Your ex could also be using you as a security blanket while he’s looking for someone else. That would mean that he talks to you only when he doesn’t have much luck finding a new girlfriend or when his life doesn’t go the way he expects it to go.

An ex like that would have times when he messages you or calls you incessantly and times when he falls off the face of Earth and makes you wonder if he’s even alive. During the times when you don’t hear a peep from him, he’s busy getting to know other women and/or doing the things he likes. And when he’s talking to you, he’s recovering and gauging his decisions and actions.

You need to pick up on these inconsistencies early on so you can do something about them before they have a chance to hurt you.

Consistency and attitude are extremely important. If they aren’t as they should be, something’s very, very wrong because an ex who wants you back will be on his best behavior. He’ll know he messed up and will, as a result, try to make it up to you by being friendly, apologetic, sympathetic, and caring.

He won’t appear cold, unreceptive, mean, impatient, or flaky. That’s not what regretful dumpers do. Regretful dumpers lower their pride, place themselves at their dumpee’s mercy, and seek approval. This is how they intend to decrease their fear of rejection and win their dumpee’s trust back.

So if you’re trying to figure out if your ex wants you back or is just using you, take this advice seriously. Your ex’s attitude, respect, and fear of rejection will tell you everything you need to know. They’ll depict how he perceives you and most importantly, how he feels about you and what he wants from you.

If he wants a relationship, he’ll seem nervous and scared. He’ll feel like he’s asking you out on a date for the first time because he’ll have high expectations and fears that if you don’t take him back that he’ll suffer from rejection and be forced to lose hope and recover.

That’s why you have nothing to stress about a guy wanting you back. If he truly wants you, he’ll see your importance and be anxious at the possibility of getting rejected. He’ll be prepared to do whatever it takes to impress you and be with you.

If he’s not sure about you or doesn’t want you back, however, then he’ll probably appear happy and relieved. He won’t need your approval and will instead appear emotionally self-sufficient. This means that he’ll carry on without you and easily stay away from you even if you get involved with someone else.

Make sure not to confuse the fear of rejection for feeling uncomfortable, though. Many dumpers feel a bit uncomfortable around their ex because they know their ex still has expectations of them. They know their ex is salivating for their attention just by the way their ex looks at them. They can see romantic longings in the eyes and desperation in the way their ex behaves.

Another tip I have for you is not to judge your ex by his words. Your ex could tell you things like, “I love you, I care about you, and it’s just a break” to avoid hurting you. He could be so afraid of telling you the truth and inadvertently hurting you that he tells you what you want to hear.

And as you know, what you want to hear is not what you need to hear. You don’t need him to tell you that you’re the best girlfriend he’d ever had and that he’ll regret breaking up with you in the future. Things like that give you hope and force you to wait for him to realize that you really are the best romantic partner for him.

So instead of taking your ex’s breakup excuses (dampeners) literally, judge your ex by the things he does. His actions prove how he thinks and feels about you whereas words are just words. They may not be true and can be deceptive and extremely damaging to you.

I’m not saying words are empty, but they matter a whole lot more when they’re backed by actions.

With that said, here are a few ways you can tell your ex doesn’t want you back and is just using you.

What do I do if my ex wants me back?

If your ex is showing interest in you, apologizing, and doing all the good things we’ve mentioned in this article, you shouldn’t do anything. You should remain patient and wait for your ex to bring up being exclusive again. That’s when you get to act—and not a second before.

Your only job is to sit tight for your ex to gather the courage to talk about his mistakes and the things he’s going to be better at. It’s important to have this conversation so you don’t just assume you’re back together. The two of you need to discuss relationship goals and make actual plans on how not to break up this time.

You have to raise relationship standards, improve communication/perceptions, develop maturity, and talk about things that are allowed and things that aren’t. There’s a lot of work to do when an ex wants you back. So don’t think everything will go smoothly.

It could all work out perfectly if enough time has passed since the breakup and you both enthusiastically worked on yourselves. But if it’s only been a few weeks or months, you’ll likely need to talk a lot and work on making some healthy adjustments.

When your ex wants you back, you shouldn’t immediately jump into your ex’s arms and accept him back. You should first figure out why your ex wants you back and what’s changed since he’s been gone. If your ex returned simply because he’s depressed and miserable, that’s not a valid reason for taking your ex back. There’s a big chance that your ex would leave again once he gets validated and makes a full recovery.

So take your ex back only if he’s come back for you. You can tell he’s come back for you if he appreciates who you are and how you make him feel. He should be a bit nervous about asking you back and quickly apologize, give you power back, and talk about the things he’s going to work on.

Some of the things you want to hear are:

• I’m sorry. I know I messed up big time.
• I hope you can forgive me.
• I left because I…
• I came back because I realized…
• I would like us to sign up for couples therapy.
• From now on, I’ll…

What do I do if my ex is using me?

If you discover that your ex doesn’t want you back and is using you for some reason, you have to stand up for yourself and stop your ex from using you. You have to be brave and tell your ex you’d like to focus on yourself and that you don’t want to stay in touch anymore.

You don’t have to (and shouldn’t) call your ex out on his behavior because that would challenge him to defend himself, but do say that it’s time for you to focus inward and move on from this.

Your ex might not like that you’re moving on because he’ll be missing out on the things you provide for him, but in all honesty, it doesn’t matter what your ex wants and doesn’t get. If he’s not with you and is using you to make his life (not yours) better, he doesn’t know he has a negative effect on you and needs to be dealt with swiftly.

He needs to be cut off so you can focus on things and people that matter to you and contribute to your life.

The best thing you can do is to stop talking to him immediately. Start no contact because that way, you’ll stop allowing him to take advantage of your broken heart and heal as fast as you can. You’re probably anxious and want your ex back, but if your ex is using you and not giving you love, reassurance, and safety, he’s no good for you.

He’s actually a hindrance to you because he’s making things more complicated and painful for you.

Are you still wondering whether your ex wants you back or if he’s using you? Let us know your thoughts below the post.

Also, if you’re interested in breakup coaching, check out our coaching options here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.