If you’re wondering, “What if my ex doesn’t contact me during no contact,” the first thing you need to know is that no contact doesn’t only last for a few days. No contact is indefinite, which means that you could wait months or years for your ex to contact you.
That’s how long it can take the dumper to perceive you in a better light and find valid reasons to get back in touch with you. So don’t assume that no contact lasts only as long as you want it to last. I know some people suggest you should give it 30, 45, 60, or even 90 days, but that’s bogus.
Every person processes the breakup differently and goes through different post-breakup experiences. Some people start dating someone else, some shut themselves in and watch Netflix 24/7, some get depressed and feel sorry for themselves, and some go out and party their heads off.
Although many dumpers contact their exes within the first few weeks, you need to know that most of them have no intention of getting back together with their exes. Most of them reach out not to reconcile, but to assuage guilt and talk about getting their stuff back and being friends afterward.
Such dumpers you don’t want to hear from. Hearing from them is going to confuse you and give you so much anxiety that you’ll think about them for days. What you want is for them to leave you alone unless they want you back.
And they’ll want you back when they express the desire, or better yet, the need to reconcile. That’s when talking to them will actually make sense as you’ll be able to benefit from the interaction.
So don’t worry about what will happen if your ex doesn’t contact you during no contact. The worst that could happen is that you detach from your ex, regain your strength and self-esteem, and realize that your ex doesn’t deserve you.
Not getting a message or call from your ex is a blessing in disguise. Ask any dumpee who’d been breadcrumbed (confused by his ex) and he’ll tell you that he felt his ex was toying with his feelings and/or that he had no choice but to tell his ex to scram.
No contact can be scary, but if your ex doesn’t contact you during no contact, he won’t contact you if you bother him either. Sure, your ex might reply, but it will probably be out of courtesy. Your ex’s interest or the lack thereof will remain unchanged.
Your best bet is to be patient and wait in no contact. But don’t just wait and do nothing. Make sure to also work on your flaws and ex-cravings so that when/if your ex contacts you, you don’t overwhelm your ex and scare him or her off.
Like most dumpees, you want no contact to convince your ex you’re worth another chance. There’s nothing wrong with that. But don’t forget no contact’s main purpose, which is to help you get yourself back and feel in control of your life again.
In this post, we’ll talk about what it means if your ex doesn’t contact you during no contact. We’ll also help you understand that you won’t always care about your ex contacting you. When you heal, you’ll be fine whether your ex contacts you or not.
What if my ex doesn’t contact me during no contact?
Most dumpees are afraid of never hearing from their ex again. They’re so anxious and scared that their ex will find someone else that they constantly check their phones, social media, and email for signs that their ex misses them, loves them, and wants them back.
But instead of finding proof that their ex regrets leaving them, they usually learn that their ex is having a good time without them and that their ex lost feelings a long time ago. Learning this gives them anxiety and makes them realize that their dumper ex is over them and that he or she is happy while they’re miserable.
Because they’re in a lot of pain, dumpees then feel even more determined to stop feeling hurt. They try to ease their pain by looking for some kind of hope. Hope can be anything empowering that helps them hold on to their ex and tells them their ex might still love them and come back to them in the future.
But because they find nothing hopeful (again), they become even more depressed and desperate for recognition and sometimes reach out to their ex and hope for the best. By doing so, they smother their ex and cause their ex to respond poorly.
You have to keep in mind that dumpers tend not to respond well to pressure and demands. They’re finally free to focus on themselves, so they expect to keep things that way. They expect to feel relieved and do what they want when they want.
So when their ex contacts them, they feel they have no choice but to keep some distance from their ex in whatever way they see fit. If they lack patience, they think it’s okay to give their ex-partner an impatient response.
And if they worry about their ex, they can give their ex a guilt-ridden, apologetic response.
You can avoid gambling with your health simply by staying in no contact. The longer you stay in it, the less desperate you’ll feel to communicate with your smothered ex and seek his or her validation. Time in no contact will help you build up self-esteem and prevent you from contacting your ex to feel better about yourself.
It will also help you stop worrying that your ex will forget about you during no contact and that he or she will meet someone more attractive than you. That’s because you’ll stop being emotionally dependent on your ex and fearing that you’re not good enough for someone as good as your ex.
Right now, your ex is the most important person in your life. But that’s only because you stopped valuing yourself. The moment you get some emotional distance from your ex, you’ll start to heal and realize that no one is as important as you.
Especially not someone who abandoned you and made you go through the most painful phase of your life.
What does it mean if your ex doesn’t contact you during no contact?
If your ex doesn’t contact you, it means exactly what it looks like. Your ex isn’t interested in helping you deal with the breakup—nor is he or she interested in getting back together with you.
Your ex is just focusing on taking care of his or her own wants and needs—and doesn’t want anything to do with you at this point. I know this may be hard to hear – especially if the sole purpose of your existence right now seems to be to reconcile with your ex. But try to be rational about this.
Someone who isn’t contacting you has no interest or anxiety to reconnect with you. That person is still processing things and/or needs more time to discover your romantic worth and be with you. No one can say whether your ex will ever see your worth, but at this particular moment, your ex isn’t in a hurry to abandon old perceptions of you and see you in a better light.
Your ex is perfectly happy seeing you the way that he or she does as doing so gives your ex power over you and control over the situation.
So if you’re wondering what it means if your ex doesn’t contact you during no contact, you need to know that it means your ex is still feeling relieved and self-prioritizing. Your ex is still enjoying life and is going to do that for at least a few months.
Don’t take it personally because it has nothing to do with you. Your ex is just mentally strong enough to handle the consequences of breaking up with you as your ex had detached from you before breaking up with you. That’s why your ex can just focus on things and people he or she can benefit from and forget about you for a while.
By “forget,” I don’t mean that your ex has erased you from existence but that your ex doesn’t feel any good positive emotions when you cross your ex’s mind.
It’s important that you start working on losing hope. Hope is your worst enemy as it’s keeping your unhealthy attachment strong and delaying your recovery. The best way to feel less hopeful is to practice letting go affirmations, journal your thoughts and feelings, and try to convince yourself that the breakup wasn’t what you wanted but that it happened for a reason that you weren’t aware of.
With that said, here’s what happens if your ex doesn’t contact you during no contact.
Avoid thinking about your ex and fight the breakup pain
If you want to recover from the separation as quickly and painlessly as possible, you must tackle the breakup head-on and fight your inner demons. This means you must resist your temptations to reach out, work on self-esteem, improve your shortcomings, avoid breakup mistakes, and handle the breakup maturely and confidently.
As a person with self-respect and respect for your ex, you have to stick to the breakup plan (no contact). You have to remind yourself why the rules of no contact are important to you and why you should follow them no matter how tempted you feel to break them.
You need to be strong and in control of your actions even if you miss your ex like crazy and want to tell your ex that. A lot of dumpees remain in no contact by remembering that prematurely contacting their ex will cause problems for their ex and ruin their emotional progress.
So do whatever it takes to stay resolute about no contact. No contact is the only strategy that will give your ex space and encourage your ex to see things more rationally.
How effective no contact is depends on:
- how strong-willed you are
- how mature your ex is
- and what kind of problems your ex runs into
These are just a few things that determine the likelihood of hearing from your ex during no contact. Just make sure to avoid checking up on your ex as well as doing so is going to give you unnecessary anxiety and force you to make mistakes.
For example, if you see your ex dating someone else, you could try to compete with your ex’s new partner by posting pictures with other people. And that wouldn’t make you look very attractive. Your ex would probably see that you’re trying to flaunt and incite jealousy.
Portray strength and independence
As an abandoned dumpee, you must put yourself first. Focusing on yourself is going to help you avoid begging and pleading and annoying your ex in ways that would make it extremely difficult for your ex to respect you and want to communicate with you.
No contact is a waiting game, which means that your ex likely won’t contact you while you’re the most eager to reconnect with your ex. If your ex does contact you (and have a meaningful conversation with you), it will most likely be months after the breakup when your ex has gotten some space to cool off.
That’s when your ex will think much more rationally and have fewer reasons to remember the past and feel trapped.
If you don’t leave your ex alone and beg your ex instead, you won’t just fail at reattracting your ex but also at growing as a person. You’ll fail to detach from your ex and make the breakup much more difficult for yourself.
So go no contact if you haven’t yet and stay in it forever!
Your ex thought long and hard about leaving you, so don’t think that you can talk your way back into the relationship. Your ex won’t give you a chance as your ex is not in a reasonable state of mind. He or she is tired of the relationship and wants to do what makes him or her happy.
Currently, the breakup makes your ex happy as it allows your ex to worry only about his or her needs. But when your ex goes through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper, that might change.
Your ex might start feeling guilty or might find some other reasons to get back in touch with you. That’s when your ex might contact you and converse with you for a while.
While your ex is looking for a good reason to get back in touch, you must work on your confidence and independence. These traits are extremely important as they’re traits that attracted your ex in the first place.
I’m not saying you won’t get your ex back if you beg and plead or make some minor breakup mistakes, but the more mistakes you make, the harder it will be for your ex to change his or her poor perception of you.
I’m scared my ex won’t contact me during no contact
It’s normal to be afraid of never hearing from your ex again. Many if not most dumpees have this fear as they can’t imagine a life without their ex in it. Some people get breadcrumbed by their ex once in a while but still fear that their last interaction with their ex was the last one.
If you’re afraid your ex won’t contact you during no contact and will just move on, you have to remember that things can’t get worse than they already are. Your ex has already left you, so your ex can’t leave you twice. Not unless your ex comes back, of course.
But that would be a different story.
Right now, you’re afraid of being forgotten even though your ex has already decided to distance himself or herself from you. The best thing you can do now is to stay away from your ex and remember all the bad things dumpees have to deal with when their ex contacts them just to breadcrumb them.
If you can’t think of anything bad, here’s what breadcrumbs could do to you:
- make you anxious and give you false hope
- make you feel good and inspire you to keep talking to your ex
- confuse you and make you overthink
- hinder your ability to focus on work/school
- cause you to dream about your ex
- damage your self-esteem
My advice is to focus on things that not talking to your ex has been helping you with and try to be grateful that your ex has left you alone to heal and detach. Mant dumpees don’t have that privilege. They’re constantly breadcrumbed and strung along and need much longer to recover emotionally.
Give your ex as much time as necessary
I know you want your ex to contact you right now, but your ex isn’t ready to get back in contact with you yet. Your ex hasn’t had enough insightful experiences that would enable your ex to engage in retrospection and message you.
He or she is still in the early stages of a breakup and doesn’t see a reason to be your friend or partner.
While your ex is looking for that reason, you must focus strongly on yourself. Self-focus is all your ex needs from you so that your ex can do the same. If your ex sees that your focus is on him/her rather than yourself, your ex is going to have a very difficult time seeing your good points and feeling better about you.
That’s because your ex will laser focus on the bad points and refuse to think differently of them.
You’ve got to keep in mind that your ex has important lessons to learn and that your ex won’t learn them with your help. Your ex will learn them when your ex is ready for life to teach him or her lessons.
That’s when your ex’s emotional state and his or her understanding of you will change significantly. Your job as a dumpee is to be patient and keep moving on. Your ex will do all the work you need him or her to do when the time is right.
Are you worried about what will happen if your ex doesn’t contact you during no contact? How are you coping with your breakup and your ex enjoying life without you? Share your thoughts and feelings with us in the comments below.
And if you prefer to discuss your breakup in private, feel free to sign up for private coaching with us.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Tomorrow is my ex mother’s death anniversary. I was thinking to leave some flowers on her grave while my ex is not there. She will probably notice. In a way this is indirectly breaking NC (54 days). Wise idea or not?
Do nothing, keep in touch 0, you are not ready for a contact yet. First you have to heal yourself and maybe in the future you can send a reminder that you remember her. Now she needs to be alone. Don’t worry, it’s okay, in the future you can do it but I advise you to focus on healing yourself and investing in yourself for now.
Hi Sonny.
It should be okay to pay respect to her mother. It has nothing to do with your ex.
Best regards,
Zan
Um currently on day one of my breakup from where my fiancee left me on valentine’s day of all days. My situation has a lot to do with my fear of being cheated on from all the women in my past and that fear flowed over to this one and ultimately pushed her away. We were together for 3 months and the first month was pure heaven but the other two slowly started to degrade and alot of fights happened because of my insecurity. Do you all think there would be any way that she would contact me again during g the no contact phase? I really want her back and will go to any extent to fix my fears. I have actually even set up a few counciling appointments to get ahead of the problems in case I do get another chance with her.
Exactly. I fell into the trap of the No Contact Rule for 30 days, I reached out 60 days after the breakup. I approached her and got her to block me on whatsapp. I’ve been in NC for 2 months, it’s hard, but it’s better and this time undefined. Sure, she forced me to go to indefinite no contact. The only good thing I did is that after being blocked I did not chase her. Yeah, as a dumpee, I’m still hopeful I think about time and that the future is uncertain, and that for that opportunity to occur, a long time has to pass. Maybe it will never happen, it would hurt since our relationship was good (she recognized it) I will continue not to contact, I will update this message when more time passes. Stay strong, get to be the best version of yourself, prepare for that future, and let time do its work. We encourage everyone.
How’s your no contact going now, I would love to hear it!
Hi Kyle, I’m going to start my 5 month no contact, I’m not going to lie to you. It has been very difficult, I wanted to extend my hand, to avoid it, I reminded myself that a person who blocks you does not want to know anything about you. This is as Zan says in his articles, you have good days and others that it seems that you are not moving forward. I have focused on sports, studying and making music. When you want to contact your ex, I recommend that you leave your mobile out of reach, and ask yourself questions and answer yourself with the logical part of the brain. My ex has never contacted me since our breakup. And honestly, I can say that I am controlling my emotions. If you understand that everything you feel is normal and that you are not the only one who is suffering, with time it will be easier, and you will understand that there is nothing you could do to avoid the breakup. I have researched each article, I have read dumpers who feel regret in the middle of a year (6 months) others in a year. I have read that blocked people will be unblocked at some point, and others who remain blocked after a year. The important thing, Kayle, is that we have to forgive ourselves, and trick our minds a bit. A point here in the No contact, is that I thought that my ex was seeing other people, he also dreamed a lot about her at night. But if a person isn’t looking for you, neither should you, as much as the situation sucks, as Zan says, your ex has to get there first. I would very much like to talk to my ex again, but now that I have been able to analyze everything, I feel that I am not ready yet. You are going to experience bad days, but your body will tell you enough at some point. I chose to close the rr.ss, get away from the outside world a bit, and reset my system as a computer. You can too, and you are not alone in this. As my mother says, it is a matter of willpower and attitude. Best of luck Kayle!
How’s it going RickynMorty? She reached out yet? Am in your exact shoes and yes i am sure she will never reach out to me and that thought a lone just make me think we were joke….its just over like that? People can just move on something they thought was beautiful to them and like it never happened?
Hello! He didn’t approach me directly. I have a friend (it’s my friend, not hers) who in our relationship, he contacted her from time to time. I recently spoke with him, he told me that he spoke with her, and she told him that when he returned to the city she would call him to see each other. I have to clarify, I am a woman, and my ex is also a woman, therefore I do not think that their meeting is for romantic purposes. They only hung out once when we were together. This has disturbed me, until I talk to my brother and he explained to me that he does it to provoke a reaction and see how the waters are. I’m not going to extend my hand. My friend told me that he would try to find out if the blockage is permanent, I am not going to do anything.
I block myself because I accuse her of lying to me and being with another person. A few days ago I went to my psychologist, she told me that this person had exactly EVITATIVE attachment, with narcissistic features. He recommended that I stay away. I think she’s trying to get a reaction out of me. Who the hell leaves you and then meets your friend with whom you only saw your face 3 times?
Zan had told me that she lacks personal development and maturity. He recommended that I not contact her.
Now I’m better, I see everything clearer, I even feel that in that relationship I was more in love than she was with me. I see it as it really is, and if I am honest. I don’t know if I want to go back to her for ego / love. What I can tell you after this time is that I am seeing the light. I have no plan for reconciliation, I’ll let the universe decide.
My psychologist told me that this type of ex, UNSTABLE are driven by impulses in the moment, that they are likely to reconnect on the same impulse.
I want to tell you, no matter how much they block you, do you really think that your story also disappears? Let me tell you, your ex didn’t get hit on the head. Pity her for not having the strength to talk to you or leaving you when you needed her most. She will never, NEVER forget you, I even begin to believe that it is a matter of time before they return to regret to value their ego.
My advice, challenge yourself. Do not break contact 0, do not block it (the opposite of love is indifference) shows that this has driven you to be better than you were before. I know that my friend will tell him that I am very well, that I have changed (even though I have told him this, why I know that he will tell him, even if it is not true) I have good days, and I have days when I want to return. But first I must learn this lesson, be smarter, prove my worth. It will be difficult, you will ask yourself many questions, you will put yourself in future and past scenarios. But you have to do it, regardless of what might happen. Let time, life, people, take care that she receives the message. Women are more emotional and impulsive than men, I think. It is a matter of time before it appears either indirectly or directly. But meanwhile worry only about the part you can control.
I wish you the best (do not doubt the articles, they are the most direct answers to your questions) Do not contact her. If he wants to talk to you, he knows where to look for you. Work hard on yourself, that will make you more attractive. Good luck and courage!
Hi RickynMorty. How’s it going for you? I am a woman and my ex is also a woman. So I thought maybe you would be able to relate to my situation. She’s younger than me and broke up with me just after starting on a new job. We met for dinner prior to the breakup but she was unwilling to say much. She then initiated the breakup via text. I really feel blindsighted and am struggling to move on.
Hello, I am starting the 7th month of C0. Every day it gets easier, the issue of not contacting my ex. The best thing to do is enter C0 and not communicate with her. You have to let me speak to you first. It’s going to be tough, but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your ex right now. Remember that their stages are not the same as yours. My ex has not approached, but he knows that he owes me something that is mine and I hope he at least returns it to me. Best of luck, stay away!
Sorry, I meant, your ex has to be the one who contacts you first to be on equal footing and be receptive. Don’t do what I did, you’ll be able to push her away if you contact her before she’s ready. Lucky 🙂
Hello Zan,
My ex and I recently agreed a 40 day no contact period as she said she needed space and distance between us. 5 years together, mostly long distance and broke up and reconciled once. I will be moving to the same city as her after the 40 days (something she long wanted but which I did not completely follow through until it was too late) and she said for me to send her a message when we are finally in the same place. After reading your posts I am questioning if I should reach out. I am afraid that if I don’t she will accuse me of not sticking to the agreement. I would be curious to see how long it took her to reach out to me if I did not.
What do you think?
Thank you,
James
Having an agreement in the first place is where you fucked up. You should have just stopped contacting her and let her be unless and until she reaches out to you. Now that you’ve agreed to 40 days, you’ve got to stick to 40 days or else she’ll just be pissed that you ignored her wishes.
Note- Please don’t judge I am just trying to get past the hurt and see if this is salvageable. I am scared I lost him to someone else for good!
I need help. I was in a friends with benefits type of situation for about 3 and a half years with a Man that we can Call “Sam”, but during this time we were spending a decent amount of frequent time together, and we would exchange gifts for Valentine’s day and Christmas, and message frequently. Towards the beginning of when I met this guy, I did a couple of things to ruin his trust. I slept with 2 other guys in a short period of time and told him what I did, and he was apparently extremely hurt by that. After that, and paired with the fact that sometimes we were not getting along because I would be kind of moody or hot and cold, had problems regulating emotions, I did some self reflection and got a therapist and I have made some improvements. about 7 months after we met he wrote me off and decided he did not want to date me or be in a relationship with me, but we still continued to see each other pretty frequently, exchange gifts, go to the movies, have me come over to his place, and that sort of thing. This continued for another 2 and a half years. The last year or so I have really mellowed out, and ‘Sam” seemed to kind of warm up to me some, but he always kind of had this wall up that he did not want a relationship with me, and I knew that he was on dating apps and I continued to see and spend time with him pretty frequently Since I was not in a committed exclusive relationship with “Sam”, I had feelings for another man I met 2 years ago, who we will call “Rian” and I was thinking about getting serious with this other guy (“Rian”), who was possibly willing to commit to me. We hooked up once this last January, and very quickly it fell apart, and “R” was out of my life. Confiding in “Sam” as a friend, I told him about the failed attempt with “Rian” and how “Rian” and I had hooked up but it did not work out. To be honest, I was not even sure the whole time that I wanted to be exclusive and commit to “Sam”, because I was distracted and had major feelings for “Rian”, but when things with “Rian” did not work out, which that has been over with this late January, I fell more for “Sam” because I have always liked him really and had a lot of attraction for him and appreciation for the nice things he did for me. I realized more so that I wanted to be with him since April or so, and when he left me.
On July 10th he messaged me saying there was a possibility he would be seeing someone soon and that we wouldn’t be able to continue meeting up and hooking up like we were. I was devastated. I am sure I did all the things you are not supposed to do to get your ex back according to Love Advice TV – I was hurt and I said I felt used, I said I was different now and I would not hurt him the same way again, I am sure I begged for him not to go, and I ended up driving to his house a few days later, where I started crying sad that he was basically replacing me. He kind of whimpered too as he was hugging me. But ultimately he said that he was dating this other girl as a relationship, and I said I did not want to be a second choice and he said “that is all I would be at this point”. He said I hurt his trust with what I did with the two guys early on, and that I never really regained his trust after that, like with what happened with “Rian”. (How could I regain his trust if He never wanted anything serious with me because he didn’t trust me)??? Sam also said that I was just mad at him for trying a relationship out when I did the same thing by trying to date “Rian”. He says the only thing that ever hurt him much was early on with the 2 guys, not as much be trying to Date “rian”, which I don’t buy. He said that we weren’t a good match and that it was hard to see now but that I would find a better match for me. He said that he still wanted to be friends but when I asked if that meant I could come over he said no we would only be hanging out with mutual friends from college or something like that, which those meetups never hardly happen. He also said he would have to tell his girlfriend that I came over. He said she was pretty, but he said I was too. And he said he wanted to work on being normal friends but that he would block me if I couldn’t respect him. I checked his facebook and he is never online anymore and he made his friendslist private. Oh and one big important thing was that he did this about a week after I went over to his house and he was all over me! He seems to be rebounding!
I am hurting so deeply after this, I am struggling to see if he really does care about me or if I was just being used for fun. If he does care about me he is not showing it because I feel abandoned. I do want him to come back because I miss him. Things were going well before he suddenly decided to leave. I do feel that I made some mistakes; technically I was free to do the things I did trying to pursue others but I can definitely understand how that can hurt someone. But he always has a wall up and tries to make it seem like the new stuff didn’t hurt him. I have a few questions: Should I bother trying to contact him again? So far it has been 25 days no contact, and I read that for an ex who has a new partner to wait at lease 45 days to contact, but I don’t know if I should ever contact him again, or wait longer. I do not think he will go out of his way to contact me; but I don’t want him with someone else I want him to be with me. I am just so hurt- and if I even did contact him again, when should I and what should I say? I am crushed. Being that he got a girlfriend a week after being all over me, is this a rebound? Do you think he will be back, does he care, or was I just being used? Was he saying he wanted to be friends the truth or just trying to be nice ? What are the chances of repairing this or is it too far gone? What are the best actions and steps I could take to get him back?
I think I could put the work in so he would trust me but he doesn’t see it. Thanks for the help
Irene, I think it really depends on what his intentions were to begin with. If it was purely a friends with benefits relationship he was aiming for, he should have no issue with the two other men you were with. However, if he was thinking of building a committed relationship with you and felt it was going that way, I can see how that would have really hurt him and set the tone in terms of trusting you. I’m not sure if there’s a way you can repair that except to be the most upstanding trustworthy person now and that he decides to forgive and reframe everything in his mind.
Should I bother trying to contact him again?: Depends what you want to say. You are best not contacting him until you are over the initial loss and pain of this. Also, he has made a decision to be in a relationship with her and I think it would be best for both of you if you respect that. He asked for respect, so it is important you don’t do anything that can be interpreted as disrespectful.
Even did contact him again, when should I and what should I say?: If he’s still in a relationship that you are aware of, you don’t talk about you wanting him back or do/say anything to try to convince him to come back to you. If he becomes single, then I think maybe it’s OK to have a conversation with him if he’s willing, maybe in an effort to clarify what both of your intentions were in the beginning. I know you have your heart set on this guy, but if this doesn’t work out, you can take this entire experience as education and set yourself up for success with a future relationship with a guy you fall head over heels in love with (and you still can. there are so many amazing people out there).
Is this a rebound?: I don’t think this sounds like a rebound. It sounds like he had detached from you slowly after disillusionment and/or heartbreak and had thought out this new relationship.
Do you think he will be back, does he care, or was I just being used?: Million dollar question. It doesn’t sound like you were being used. But I will say that if you were wanting commitment for a large part of this relationship and accepting whatever little he gave to you, maybe you are feeling let down by yourself for settling for less than what you desire.
Was he saying he wanted to be friends the truth or just trying to be nice?: I think when people say this, they often mean they want to be on good terms and not necessarily talk every day. I think it’s easy to part with the intentions of maintaining a friendship but then it may seem too awkward, inconvenient or painful.
What are the chances of repairing this or is it too far gone?: I think if there is any chance, it will have to take place farther in the future as he is exploring a new relationship and both of you have healing to do. If you both don’t heal, there is no chance of repair. It wouldn’t ever be a quick fix.
What are the best actions and steps I could take to get him back?: I think your absolute best shot is to become the person you want to be. So being true to yourself and learning to make changes to situations that are unfair to you, being very trustworthy to others, and any improvements on your personality/thought patterns/habits that make you a better person. This can include how you communicate your needs, resolve conflict, eating healthy and exercising. Another large part of this equation is for you to get over him. To accept that he’s made his choice and give him that respect and freedom. I honestly think that will be 100% more attractive than a woman who is waiting on the sidelines to pounce once his relationship is over. And there is no guarantee that he’ll ever come back, but the other side to this coin on your healing and improvements is that you are preparing yourself for a new relationship and to be a happier and better person (we can all always improve in some area) so no matter what happens with you both in the future, you will still benefit greatly.
Good luck!
I am going through a breakup right now. The first one in my life. We were together for 4 plus years and it has been extremely hard. I have made every mistake that everything I have read said not to do. I never wanted our relationship to end so I was shocked by the breakup. I begged for her back which I know is wrong. We were in contact for about a month after the initial breakup. The reason I am even commenting on this post is it is the first that I’ve read that outlined exactly what happened to me. I begged for her back and she actually came back. I thought to myself “see they don’t know what they are talking about it worked.” Then like the this post states after about a week she ended it with me completely and now wants nothing to do with me at all. I was so confused because she told me that she wanted to work on things and that she still loved me. Then went completely cold and wants nothing to do with me. This post helped me realize that she never really wanted me back she was just feeling guilty. Once she got the courage to get over that guilt she left for good and hurt me again in the process. I have since started indefinite no contact which has been extremely hard for me. I wasn’t strong enough at first and called her a few times with no response until I got a text saying to leave her alone. It was like being broken up with all over again. I’m basically starting from square one even though it has been almost 6 weeks. I still love her even after all the pain I have been through but I know I have no choice but to move forward or I will be stuck like this. I am doing indefinite no contact for me to feel better and I tell myself everyday that she isn’t going to come back to keep that false hope out of my head.
I just recently found these blogs and they have helped me so much. Zan is my favorite person that I have read. The reason for that is these posts are focused on you feeling better. They aren’t focused on getting your ex back they are focused on you feeling better for yourself regardless of if you ex comes back or not. I appreciate the honesty that is in most of the posts because I need to hear it. I’ve noticed that when going through this breakup my heart has been stronger then my mind. But when I read these posts they make so much sense and are so right in everything that I’ve been feeling that they are finally helping my logic take control back from my emotions. The straight forward manner in Zan’s post have helped me so much. They keep strong when doing no contact and have helped me realize that breaking no contact will only hurt me. It doesn’t help me in anyway no matter how much I miss her or my heart wants me to reach out. Thank you Zan for what you do!
Jake
This was actually pretty helpful to be honest and at the same time hard to read and swallowed. My story is complicated and painful, I don’t even know where to start but I really need help. We were together for 3 years, deepest connection I ever had, I haven’t felt nothing like this with anyone and I don’t think I ever will. Was mutual, energetic, cosmic and beyond this universe, we planned to live together in Canada, I moved there, he is resident, I’m not. I was trying to fix my papers, was pretty difficult to get some things so marriage was the last option, I never wanted to be the last option, but loving us so intense that we both know it, why he never asked me to marry him? He never did, so we agreed to do it for the papers, then he asked me to sing a prenup, I refuse to do it and marriage never happened. I was so heart broken and of course I had to leave the country cause my visa expired, and so after fights and hurting each other, I got to find my way alone and get a job in another country. We have been talking on and off, I stopped texting him for months, we started talking again but I felt all was ending in friendship and I refuse to it, I told him what I feel and want. He never did, he avoid it me in many ways even tho we were still talking, he used to get upset when I bring our subject up. Is being a month and 1 week I stopped talking to him.
I feel he never will, I’m hurt, I can’t stop thinking about him, I cry every day, even tho I feel I have improved in many aspects of my life. I don’t want to live without him
I don’t know what to do, in May was his birthday but was No contact rule and I didn’t text him.
I need help, I’m hopeless and lost.
Thank you
So I should just give up hope of my wife coming to her senses and wanting me back? I’m afraid my beliefs about marriage are too strong to just let her go: “what God has joined let no one separate”
Thanks Zan.
I haven’t heard from her since she moved out four and a half months ago. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for never even being tempted to reach out to her and I only made the mistake of looking at her Instagram once back in September.
I’ve devoured tons of books and joined a men’s group because it was a recommendation of “No More Mr Nice Guy” to connect with masculinity. I’ve also dropped 14 pounds and I’m down to 194 at 6’2″. It’s been a huge growth experience and I’m still going strong. I started learning guitar and have a snowboarding trip planned over the Christmas holiday and plan to visit many resorts over the snowboarding season. It’s funny, most of the dating coaches say to get back out there and date to get your confidence back, but in my case I grew up seeking female validation and want to remain single for a long time and work on myself. My ex complained that she felt like I needed her validation, and now I realize that’s not very masculine and I have to learn to rely on myself and be happy with my own accomplishments and validate myself that way. Getting dumped sucks, but at least it was a kick in the ass to get things in order in my life.
Keep up the good work, you’re posts have helped me a lot even though at first I didn’t always like the unvarnished truth about getting an ex back.
I’m feeling much less anxious now and attached to an outcome, so if I do hear from her one day I’ll be in a lot better place to potentially meet up and see what happens. I agree with you that longer time apart is better, so I don’t even matter if it’s over a year after our breakup.
Hi Trevor,
You’re doing well. That’s so good to hear!
As for needing your partner’s validation not being masculine, it’s not. It’s only human. We all want validation from the person closest to us. To be really known and loved for who you are. That has nothing to do with masculinity. Don’t rely too much on criticism your former girlfriend gave you. It says more about her than it says about you. And my guess is that it actually has nothing to do with you, but with her own lack of being able to give emotional support and express appreciation and affection. But of course, being independent and secure within yourself is always a good thing. It makes the different between “wanting” and “needing” validation. When you validate yourself and your partner validates you too, their reaction is just icing on the cake. A break-up is a wake-up call as you say. And I think it’s very healthy of you to take a time to just be on your own. You’ll grow so much and when the time comes you’ll meet a woman who will be a true partner and ally for you. Take care!
I left my message but is not showing, omg I have to text all over again?
This is awesome to hear. Its been about 5 months for me too and unfortunately im still hoping to hear from my ex but im also not letting it consume my life. Ive also lost a lot of weight from going to the gym and i feel a lot better about myself physically and mentally. Sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress 🙂