Most dumpees want to see dumpers’ remorse—even those who don’t want their ex back and just want to watch their ex beg them back. This is how they intend to get their power and control back and feel better about the injustice that was done to them.
Seeing their ex return or conversely, rejecting their ex feels empowering to them, so more often than not, they’re willing to wait for months for their ex to get hit with remorse just so they can say, “I told you so, it was your fault.”
Doing so boosts their ego and self-esteem (their perception of themselves) and enables them to push forward with strength and pride. An ex coming back basically tells them that they’re attractive physically and mentally and that their ex was the one who couldn’t notice their worth at the time of the breakup.
Whether you’re waiting to reject your ex or reunite with him or her, you need to know that before dumpers become remorseful, they have to go through certain remorse stages. They have to go through whatever learning experience life has in store for them because that’s the only way regret can kick in.
If dumpers just sit home and binge-watch Netflix all day, the chances of them failing in life are smaller than if they go out and fall for someone who isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship.
Of course, nobody wants to see their ex have fun with other people (especially if they want their ex back), but unfortunately, that’s one of the few ways dumpers remorse can set in. Failure, pain, and regrets contribute to a change in perception and mentality, which is why these things are the catalyst for remorse and the solution to the self-empowerment you’re looking for.
So if you want your ex to experience dumpers’ remorse, bear in mind that naturally, dumpers start with the stage you detest the most – the independence stage. In this stage, dumpers don’t feel any remorse at all. If anything, they feel exactly the opposite as they’d been dying to break up with the dumpee and get a breath of fresh air. They’d thought about freedom and craved independence for a very long time, hence the name independence stage.
But after some time (after they’ve distanced themselves from their ex and got what they wanted), dumpers start letting go of anger, resentments, and other overwhelming breakup emotions and reach a more calm and collected stage during which they neither hate nor love their ex.
They just feel at peace with themselves and self-prioritize. We call that remorse stage (which isn’t a remorse stage at all) the neutrality stage.
In this stage, dumpers feel neutral about their ex and the negative experience they went through. They had had time to emotionally distance themselves from their ex, so they feel okay with the breakup situation and the way things have developed.
The most important thing to note is that in the neutrality stage, dumpers are back to their usual pre-breakup selves. They no longer desire space and freedom and can just live their lives without the overwhelming desire to run away from their ex.
It’d be hard to create a timeline for dumpers’ remorse stages because I’d be lying if I said that everyone reaches the stages you’re about to learn of at the same time or in the same order. Some people process breakups quickly and others slowly which means that your ex could come back in two weeks after a rebound relationship or years later when life gives him or her lemons.
When your dumper ex becomes remorseful depends on:
- your ex’s maturity and coping mechanism
- whether you annoy your ex and/or do something to lose your ex’s respect (make breakup mistakes)
- the things happening in your ex’s life (the more stressed your ex gets, the more likely that your ex will reflect and realize that he or she has made a big mistake)
In this post, we’ll talk about dumpers’ remorse stages and signs of regret. We’ll do it chronologically so that you have an understanding of how far your ex got in the regret process.
Dumpers’ remorse psychology
Before we get to the dumpers’ remorse stages, we need to talk about something very, very important. Things will make a lot more sense to you if you keep in mind that the dumper always starts where the dumpee ends – with relief and elation. (read this article for a more detailed side-by-side comparison between the dumpee and the dumper).
Anyway, right after the breakup, the dumpee is feelings defeated and disoriented. He has no idea what to do to occupy or distract himself when experiencing separation anxiety. All he knows is that he’s in pain and that he must do something/anything to obtain his ex’s attention and recognition.
The dumper, on the other hand, isn’t a love-deprived junkie, begging to receive a dosage of love hormones. He doesn’t have to worry about how to heal and feel better. He can just instinctually enjoy his newfound peace and freedom (that’s his medication) and do whatever feels right to him. The dumper is in full control of his life and may feel victimized, which is why he may avoid the dumpee like the plague and engage in activities that disassociate him from his ex.
By broadening his horizons, the dumper essentially focuses on himself so much that he avoids thinking about the dumpee and only worries about his own wants and needs. And this is how it should be. If the dumper doesn’t pull away when emotions run high, he can burn out emotionally and develop resentments too big for time and negative post-breakup experiences to fix.
This is why no contact after the breakup is so important. It lets your ex go through the dumper breakup stages at a pace that feels natural to him and allows him to be who he wants to be.
With that said, let’s now discuss the 5 stages of dumpers’ remorse.
The 5 stages of dumpers’ remorse
Keep in mind that four out of five stages of breakup remorse can affect some dumpers sooner than others. By recalling this when you need to, you can keep your expectations and hopes for reconciliation low and protect yourself from unwanted setbacks dumpees encounter on their healing journey.
Most dumpees have good and bad days. The number of these days is different for each person, but if you know what triggers them, you can do your best to avoid as many as emotionally possible. You just have to follow the rules of no contact religiously.
1)The independence stage
The first stage of dumpers’ remorse is the independence stage. This stage is a very painful stage for dumpees as their dumper appears to be on cloud 9. She feels relieved from delaying the breakup for weeks or months, so she releases her pent-up frustrations in a form of relief and lets the world know she’s a free spirit.
The dumper usually doesn’t intend to harm the dumpee. But if her ex doesn’t leave her alone fast enough, she tends to lose patience and reacts with anger. Anger is a sign that she feels wronged and that she’s not getting the space and respect she badly craves.
If you got dumped, you need to give your ex what she needs from you so that:
- Her perception of you doesn’t worsen.
- You remain strong and in control of your emotions.
You must keep your composure immediately after the breakup because your ex is in the most irritable stage of all stages. She just dumped you which means that any wrong move could infuriate her and affect the way she sees you and feels about you.
So don’t suffocate your ex by talking to her and guilt-tripping her. If she dumped you, she did it because she couldn’t find any other way to make her relationship work. Maybe she’d put in a lot of effort or maybe she didn’t. But in her mind, she’d tried everything she could and concluded that the only way to be happy is to abandon the relationship.
In the independence stage, your ex could become completely unrecognizable. She could go out with friends a lot, meet new people, significantly upgrade her fashion style, adopt new words, and behave differently. That would indicate that she feels extremely relieved (that she feels empowered by the breakup) and that she wants to separate from you and create her own identity.
This usually happens to couples who were together for many years and those who were codependent. When adult dumpers start acting like teenagers again, they feel excited to be rid of the burden (their dumpee) and need to let off some steam by living on the edge.
Try not to take your ex’s relief personally. Relief doesn’t indicate that the relationship was horrible or that you were a bad partner to your ex. All it means is that your ex’s perception of you has begun to suffocate your ex and cause her to seek happiness in other things.
Here are a few interesting things about the dumper in the independence/relief stage.
2)The enjoyment stage
The second remorse stage is the enjoyment stage. Dumpers in this stage focus on instant emotional and sexual gratifications, which means that they often get involved with other people and see what single life is all about. They still occasionally feel relieved and happy that they’ve broken up with their ex, but they don’t deliberately show off, put their ex down (anymore), or do anything that shows they’re trying to prove that dumping their ex was the best choice ever.
In the enjoyment stage, they stop obsessing over their ex’s inadequate behavior and shift their focus onto themselves. This is why they appear like they’ve moved on ages ago and that they don’t care what their ex thinks about them anymore. They only care about themselves and those who can contribute to their lives.
Some dumpers (usually the more mature and self-aware ones) do feel a bit concerned about their ex during this or the previous stage. But most dumpers don’t because they think their life is theirs to live and that they need to enjoy it. In other words, they have a “carpe diem” or in slang terms, a YOLO (you only live once) mentality and as a result, do whatever it takes to let good emotions in and keep bad ones at bay.
If your ex is in the enjoyment stage, your ex will be less relieved, but still thrilled to be single. Your ex will try to do lots of fun activities and post them on social media. Of course, not all dumpers do that because it takes a certain type of person to flaunt online after the breakup, but dumpers who post how relieved they are tend to feel excited to the point where they feel they need to share their happiness with others.
3)The neutrality stage
Halfway to remorse is the neutrality stage. You may have come across this stage on the blog before as this stage is one of the most important breakup stages. It indicates that the dumper has made some emotional progress and gotten to the point where it becomes possible for him to get hurt and become remorseful.
You see, the dumper can’t regret breaking up with you and hurting you when he’s full of relief and happy about receiving attention from other people. He can regret doing what he did only when he emotionally processes relief and elation and becomes his usual self that is not controlled by the breakup.
That’s when the dumper becomes vulnerable to internal and external stimuli such as stress, rejections, depression, and other negative emotions and experiences you and I can get hurt by.
So don’t think that your ex is supposed to experience dumper’s remorse right after the breakup. Very few dumpers feel guilty when they consider themselves victims. They feel guilty or hurt much later when they’ve had the chance to explore what life has to offer and got hurt or naturally processed the breakup.
You as a dumpee must make sure your ex gets to this stage on his own by staying out of his life. Only then will your ex be able to enjoy his life without interruptions (and if his mentality is healthy), improve his opinion of you.
In the neutrality stage, dumpers start improving the way they see their ex. They start wondering what their ex is up to, if she’s with anyone new, and through such thoughts develop curiosity. If their curiosity increases enough, they then reach out, asking their ex how he’s doing.
And that’s what could kindle the dumper’s interest and cause him to develop respect. As you know, respect isn’t given on a silver platter. It’s earned when the dumpee leaves the dumper alone and remains strong during no contact. If enough respect is created, the dumper then “only” needs one final ingredient.
Love.
And he can develop love by failing in ways that are important to him and realizing that he took his ex for granted.
4)Ending the silence stage
The fourth stage is the stage most dumpees look forward to since day one. They want to hear from their ex because they think that hearing from their ex means their ex cares about them. Little do they know that receiving a call or text from an ex and showing support right after the breakup are two completely different things.
Dumpers often reach out to their exes after the breakup. They want friendship, forgiveness, or some kind of truce, so they send their ex breadcrumbs, avoid breakup topics, and pretend everything is back to normal. Their normal behavior, of course, is far from normal. It only confuses hopeful dumpees as it makes them think that their ex still values them romantically.
The truth though is that dumpees usually aren’t as important to their dumper as they think they are. More often than not, their ex merely wants a companion, reassurance, or a clear conscience. That’s why she reaches out, talks for a while, and disappears for a while after the conversation.
Remember this if you’re still waiting for your ex to reach out.
The first text after no contact is usually just a meaningless message that aims to end the silence and get on good terms. The dumper still needs to find the emotional incentive to feel the desire to reconnect with her ex. And as we’ve mentioned already, she can find that incentive if something bad happens to her and forces her to face a situation she isn’t mentally ready for.
If your ex is in this stage, it’s likely been at least a couple of months since she broke up with you. She’s had enough time to feel ready to communicate occasionally and see whether it’s safe for her to befriend you. As a person who was dumped, you, of course, shouldn’t naively accept your ex’s friendship and think that your ex will soon want you back. An invitation to friendship doesn’t indicate dumper’s remorse.
It shows that the dumper is ready to talk to you and that she’s going to hurt you if you still have expectations of her. This stage can be very bad for you as it can disturb your healing when you learn that your ex still doesn’t want you back.
Learn more: What to do after no contact when your ex contacts you?
5)The remorse stage
Finally, the last stage the dumper encounters is the remorse stage. Here, the dumper takes the initiative and tries to set up a meeting. Or if he’s very hurt and impatient, he just skips the formality, apologizes right away, and tries to get back with the dumpee as soon as possible. He doesn’t waste any time as he’s in too much pain to dillydally.
It’s obvious when the dumper is in the remorse stage. You can tell he’s regretful because he looks at you with puppy eyes and doesn’t enjoy spending time without you. He constantly wants to be near you because your presence provides reassurance and lowers anxiety.
All you have to do when an ex is remorseful is wait for your ex to bring up reconciliation. Don’t even encourage your ex to open up to you. It has to be of his own accord so that he overcomes pride or fears of rejection. If you make it easy for your ex by telling your ex you want to get back together, you’ll show that you want your ex back more than he wants you and that you’re not as independent and in control of your emotions as he’d thought you were.
Don’t think of this as some kind of manipulation game. All you’re doing is refusing to put yourself in a position where you can get rejected again. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Your ex knows it’s his turn to make things right, so let him.
Let him do it no matter how long it takes.
Fortunately, it shouldn’t take very long. When the dumper wants you back, he feels an overwhelming urge to reconcile. That’s why you can expect your remorseful ex to attempt to reconcile shortly after getting hurt. We’re talking about a week or less.
Usually, dumpers come running back a day or two after getting hurt as they need their ex back to heal right away and don’t want to stay hurt.
When does dumpers’ remorse set in?
We’ve answered this question many times before, but it can’t hurt to do it again. Dumpees ease their anxiety through understanding and repetition.
So to get straight to the point, dumpers’ remorse sets in when dumpers get themselves in trouble and get hurt. That’s when they begin reflecting with sadness on their life choices and start questioning their happiness. If they discern they were happier in the past, they become nostalgic and self-doubtful and ask themselves questions like, “Was my ex actually good for me? Did I make a mistake?”
The longer they think about their ex and the unhappier they are with their post-breakup life, the more likely it is that they develop a desire to bond with their ex and feel validated.
This is why we can say that dumpers’ remorse sets in when dumpers allow it to set in. When something goes wrong on their end and they contemplate if the past > present is when they create feelings for their ex and message their ex to obtain what they lack – happiness.
You need to wait for your dumper’s remorse to kick in because that’s when you’ll have something to work with. Waiting will get easier with time. But if you do your best to avoid breakup mistakes by following the indefinite no contact rule, you’ll eventually detach and be in a position strong enough to attract your ex when your ex discerns your worth and needs a shoulder to lean on.
Are you waiting for dumpers’ remorse? How long are you prepared to wait? Let me know if any of your exes have come back before and if you had any luck with them.
However, if you’d like our help analyzing your breakup and wish to talk in private, visit our coaching page to learn more about coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
Love your content, it really helps me understand break ups and gives me strength to keep moving forward.
Me & my ex split 2 months ago but we have mutual friends, he keeps telling them we were not compatible & the relationship was more of a friendship. We were together a year and a half & he has a lot of childhood trauma, he started therapy half way through the relationship, & started becoming demeaning & put far less effort into the relationship than I did. I can see he’s a good person so I wanted to keep trying, which came to my expense when he called things off. He doesn’t seem too bothered & is back on all the dating apps probably thinking he can do better.
I have imperfections too but I tried my hardest to make him feel loved, even when he made it difficult. Do you think the regret stage for him will ever kick in if he’s only seeing me as incompatible? (we are both in no contact).
Hi Mia.
Thanks for the comment.
Whether you’re incompatible or he only sees you that way, the problem is his perception of you and personality. He can’t view you in a positive light when he’s constantly reminding himself you’re not compatible and that you’re the reason he’s unhappy. He even downloaded dating apps, which shows he wants to get to know some other people.
If he does become regretful, it will be after he’s failed with someone else. I wouldn’t expect him to come back just because you tried your hardest to make him feel loved. Stay in no contact and focus on detachment, Mia! Make sure to remind yourself he’s not the person you thought he was. If he was, he wouldn’t have taken you for granted and treated you terribly.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan! How are you?
I was in a short term relationship and I’m not sure if I was a rebound.
Dumpers can feel remorse with a rebound ex?
And do they experience the same break-up stages with a relationship that was a rebound than with a non-rebound one?
No matter what the answer is, I’m doing no-contact and focusing on myself, but it would help me understand her behaviour much better.
Hi Antonio.
Dumpers can feel remorseful even with their rebound. But they must have at least some feelings for their rebound, otherwise they blame him/her for their emotional unavailability problems. They go through the same stages.
You should still work on letting go of hope.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello,
I just came accross your blog and it’s really helping me in my breakup process. I was in a short term relationship (3 months) with a guy for three months but I felt like he was stuck in the the past due to his present lack of confidence and him wanting to stay friend with his ex who cheated and lied to him multiple times. When we got together, he showed me no reason to doubt, he was patient and really loving. He was really boyfriend material and we had a really good communication. Our relatives knew that we were together so basically there was no secrets between us. I thought that it was quite healthy on this side but what kept bothering me was the fact that he was willing to stay friend with this ex. To me, it wasn’t healthy at all as she broke him and I wanted him to be able to move on and be even more happier and at peace. I brought it a couple of times, we had discussions about it but he kept saying that she was just a friend who did a lot ofr him in a past and that they were now barely talking anyway. But the thing is, I was seeing how he was affected by that even though he was saying otherwise. Hence, I wanted to have a final conversation regarding this matter to make sure about where we were going together as we were already talking about the future. He got mad, we had an argument and I hurt his feelings by bringing this up more frankly (his lack of confidence, him stuck in the past, him being manipulated…) and he broke up with me by text message. We had two more arguments (I apologized for the things I said) after that and he said that I hurt him to the point where he said that he wouldn’t be able to trust me again and that it was better if we left it at that and that he wasn’t planning on getting back with me. It happened last week and he went NC. He hasn’t blocked me or anything, he even kept the picture I took of him as his Instagram profile picture. I first did the mistake to send him a couple messages to solve this issue but I finally went NC yesterday and started to reflect. Maybe I should move on even though I love him very much. He was my first boyfriend and I miss him.
Hi vceleste.
You struck a nerve, making him run away. It wasn’t your fault though, the guy had to choose you or her. He couldn’t keep both women in his life and pretend everything was fine. Exes shouldn’t keep talking after the breakup. They especially shouldn’t be friends and make new partners jealous. Your ex didn’t empathize with you, so he got angrgy when you expressed your pain.
You should definitely do your best to move on. Don’t wait for him.
Zan
I ended my marriage and relationship of ten years. He was a wonderful guy and very respectful to me as well. Less than a year ago I started to have feelings for other people and tried to solve this with him. But we couldn’t. I visited a therapist to find out why this happend and came to the conclusion I had never done the things in life that are important to me (and would never do because he wanted different things in life) and that I had to go my own way. We are now 4 months away since the break-up and I have met a wonderful man who wants the same things in life as me. At the same time I feel regret of how I hurt my ex and of how it all went downhill so soon (within 5 months, I deemed myself happy before that), for the greatest part because of me. I have nostalgic feelings sometimes and feel sadness because of the life I am saying goodbye to. I am now very anxious I am going to reach the regret fase (although still not feeling it and knowing I would go back to the life that makes me unhappy in the long run). Is this a certain fact that I will reach this fase? I want to build a life with the person I am with now and I am hoping this regret fase, of which everyone says it WILL happen, will not destroy my chances of a good relationship with him.
Hi Kiki.
You seem to be feeling a bit of guilt, nostalgia, and fear. All of these emotions are very common for dumpers. You need to remind yourself that you couldn’t make things work with your ex and that you did what you thought was best. There’s no need to feel bad for it as you do need to put yourself first.
I’d just like you to figure out why you couldn’t make the relationship work. Why couldn’t you communicate and adjust in ways that you wanted the same things out of life? Getting to the bottom of this will prevent you from going down the same path with this person.
Also, the regret phase isn’t certain. If you learn to forgive yourself, you should avoid regretting your decision.
Kind regards,
Zan
I broke a no contact rule after 2 weeks, and it went downhill. Can i still bounce back 😔😔😔
Don’t worry about it, Cindy.
Go back to no contact and focus on healing. Your ex will respect you for it.
Zan
2 weeks ago, my gf receive confession from her crush who rejected her two times in the past. He was in final year of degree and suddenly confess to her and knew that she is in relationship with me. My gf ended up our relationship and go with him. However, there are so many red flags from this new guy. Should I just wait and being in no contact or should I just move on.
Thank you
Hi Anonymous.
Never wait for an ex to come back. Move on and be happy. If she comes back, you can decide if you really want to be with someone who left you for another person.
Best regards,
Zan
I wanted to hear from my ex because I thought hearing from my ex meant that my ex cared about me. but then I accepted that I would never hear from him and I’m so good.
So grateful for you Zan
Hi Linda.
Acceptance is a powerful feeling. It’s also the healthiest and hardest thing to do.
Best,
Zan
For me it was as follows:
Stage 1: Independence
Stage 2: Enjoyment
Stage 3: Marrying someone else and never speaking to or hearing from my ex again
Happy it worked out for you, Jaycie!
Best regards,
Zan
I can fully attest to this ..remorse kicked in 3 weeks ago for myself when she fully admitted to karma and rebounding and was very very sorry for what she did and that i was a kind wonderful person…btw 4 months later. Nothing mentioned of reconciliation but i feel one day there will be. I went back into no contact now been 3 weeks an not a word from her. Think feelings have to catch up again. Either way it only helps me from breadcrumbing and false hope..for the future who knows. Ill continue to do my thing and work on myself as each week gets easier and less painful ..but as this article says they need to have some sorta pain or karma before they ever come to either reconnect or wanna talk !! All the best to everyone out there. Btw. Our relationship was wonderful and at some point she hit an emotional wall. She was married 20 years before me and had never been single ..pretty sure shes finding out how shitty it is throwing away a good person also she has 3 kids i became a step dad for !! Very hard to find good men to help with that. Another realization that has or will come into affect one day again !!! “Gigs” is real. To all out there all the best !!!!!Thanks zan for all the articles love reading them 🇨🇦 Cheers
Hi Dallas.
Your ex admitted to rebounding with someone because of failing with him and getting hurt. But that hurt wasn’t big enough for her to return. She needs to get hurt again (and possibly again) before she starts to wonder if the relationship she abandoned was really that bad.
Kind regards,
Zan
My situation is that,nearly two years ago,I found my wife’s texts,was just an Emotional affair,,but after 4 months,she moved out to pursue him,eventually 2 months later she thought she got her wish,but a further two months,he dumped her,8 months total,,SO as our finances weren’t good due to being in a foreign land and covid stopping me and us from working our musical ventures,,,I got her reluctantly to move back,so our money would last longer,,,we have cohabited for 15 months,,was hostile at times early on,as she felt gave up her freedom,after getting it 4/5 months previous.she would then be out all hours,as her limerence shifted to an obsessive friendship with a Gay guy his associates and their lifestyle,,,,each of those 15 months there has been improvements,,as I have got a handle on my stress and anxieties,I was doing push behaviours,I’ve tried to detach somewhat,I felt disrespected,she was Inconsiderate,arrogant, un empathetic,and egotistical as she has gotten so much attention.
So my problem is that I can’t go no contact,I’m kinda friend zoned,but in the lower tier of her friendship hierarchy,her New friendships are more valued,,much more affectionate on greetings and goodbyes with them,I get called Hunny,and get a reluctant peck or embrace here n there.we have moved into a comfortable living existence like 2/3 a marriage,,she is earning I am not,as I gave up my life in the UK to be here for HER autoimmune problem,,so I take care of the house,home,laundry and shopping,for my contribution.all I can do I feel,is keep this status quo,and hope she will gradually get bored of the same routines she has done for so long now,friendships do come n go type of thing.
Hi Terry.
I responded to your other comment, but I’ll give you some additional tips. You did a lot for this person (too much), that’s why you now have to focus more on yourself. Build up your self-esteem, make some friends, and find your purpose. These things will increase your value whereas staying fixated on your wife will make you look obsessed and decrease it.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,my wife never did show interest in reconciliation,we cohabited from Nov 2020,separate rooms and lives mostly,Then,due to an interfering friend bumping into him sending a selfie with him with the caption “He misses you”,,she started seeing him again in Sept 2022,2y after he’d dumped her,it was so painful and there was so much disrespectful behaviour,,I returned to the uk on Jan 2 2023,with my little dog,within 3 weeks my little dog got sick and I had to do the deed,which added to the heartbreak,,,wife then told me he dumped her again at that time,despite his BS telling her he was back for good,I’ve joined a gym,I’m teaching guitar,and Gigging 2-3x pw,regained my confidence and self esteem,no longer anxious or depressed,if she ever wakes up,and wants to reconcile with me,I won’t be so weak in standing up for myself,and will enforce boundaries I’d never done before,she is in healing single partying mode now,with her obsessive friendship with her gay male friend whom she’s besotted with.
Hi Terry.
First of all, great job for getting this far. It mustn’t have been easy, to say the least. Your wife has lost feelings and the desire to change herself and receive your validation. She had plenty of chances to come back, but she chose the other guy every time. Now she’s focusing on enjoying herself and finding someone else. I hope you stay away from her for good and heal completely.
If she were to come back, you’d need to take back power and tell her what you expect of her and what you’ll do if she doesn’t reach your expectations.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
What if dumper reached out but then deleted his text, my ex did this two times in separate ocasion, one he did and delete it few hours later, and the other one was just a hey and immediately deleted after a few mins and both happened during late night.
But I guess he is in Neutrality stage? I dont get emotional anymore, or have any high expectation, but you are right, we as dumpee get a little satisfaction when we do things right. Cant help it. And fortunately I have been doing very strict no contact for almost 2,5 months, we been on and off for almost 2 years, and that made me holding on to FALSE HOPE, as he always told me he is a confused man. I torture myself by looking at his Social Media. I only found he was looking all happy with his new circle. I Finally got the courage to end all communication, and FOCUS ON MYSELF.
For those who wished to move on, it is very true you need to completely cut off communication as it makes you feel hopeful. that includes NO STALKING online . Very important. Learned it the hard way.
Anyway, I think its very selfish of dumper that expect to reconnect to dumpee immediately WHEN THEY WANT TO, or WHEN THEY DECIDE TO. They took all the time in the world to get away and had fun away from us, I will definitely take mine as well when and if he decided to come back.
I Hope all dumpees have all the strenght to cut off contact, remove all hopes, and begin to move on asap, it isnt easy, but as Zan says, worked like a charm. I gained my confidence back and have new circles as well!
Thanks Zan for all these awesome articles, it helps A LOT! hope to get a reply from you whenever you can.
You are awesome! Thanks!
Hi Mowcan.
I think your ex deleted his messages because he realized talking to you wouldn’t help anyone. Maybe he was out drinking and texted you when he was emotional. I’m not sure why he reached out, but I have a feeling he felt a bit sad, nostalgic, or guilty and thought it was the right thing to do.
It shows he’s thinking about you, but don’t get any hope from this, Mowcan. He still thinks it’s better not to communicate and/or wants you to reach out first. But as you know, messaging him first just to talk as friends won’t help you. It will keep you hooked on him.
Stay in strict no contact this time. No more stalking, okay?
Zan
Hi Zan!
Im thrilled to receive your reply! It motivated more to stay in strict no contact!
Actually it was me who thought its better not to communicate. I felt that he kept giving me mix signals and it kept my hope alive. So I told him I gotta go, and as I didnt wanna ghost him, I told him the reason because I wanted to move on and leave the past behind. Im prepared to stay in strict no contact even it means forever! Just like you said.
I was doing fine these 2 months. I was truly in STRICT NO CONTACT NO STALKING. I felt better each day, until he reached out recently, breadcrumbing me, left a misscalled, deleted me off as I took my time (too long for him aparently) to respond. I thought you said Ignoring is rude. But i guess now I dont have to feel guilty not to reply.
Anyway, your reply made so much sense. I would like to thank you for taking time to reply to your reader this holiday season. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and family! Big hugs! And Big thank you!
You are Awesome Zan!
Mowcan
Hi Mowcan.
Being honest with him was the right thing to do. It probably wasn’t easy, but you needed to cease all communication. Now you have to stop him from breadcrumbing you as well so you can fully recover. Don’t worry about him deleting you. It just shows he still wants to control the situation.
Hope you had a great start to 2022, Mowcan!
Kind regards,
Zan
I think of it as the ‘Arrogance phase'(just after the break-up. The dumper’s ego is Supercharged. The world is their oyster); the ‘Thrill is Gone’ phase (Still confident in their decision, but life has become a bit more pedestrian. It was supposed to be a Lot more glamorous than this after the break-up); and the ‘Maybe I was a bit hasty’ phase (I actually had something really good and threw it away). How they act on these phases depends on the individual’s attachment style. Some, in spite of the third phase, cut loose the past and move on, right or wrong. Others reevaluate and reach out to their ex. And, of course, some rightly realize that the relationship has reached its logical and emotional conclusion, and move on without a second thought. In short, it’s complicated
Hi Doug.
It definitely is complicated and confusing and varies for each person. But generally, dumpers don’t want their dumpees around anymore, so they push them away to enjoy themselves. Many indeed never become nostalgic and regretful. But such dumpers aren’t worth your time as they tend to hold on to the negativity for dear life and do what’s best for them. More often than not, what’s best for them is the worst for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
My bf has recently called things off, we’ve been together for over a year. He said I did nothing wrong. That I love him completely and I should have that reciprocated. He said he wanted to love me like that but it didn’t come. That I deserve to have that and that he can’t force it to happen no matter how much he want to.
He introduced me to his family very early in our relationship, told his girls and his ex-wife about me after our 3rd date and asked me to take a leap of faith. I was apprehensive at first but slowly saw a future with him.
He had no problem bring me to family functions but family time with just us and his girls became fewer and fewer. I didn’t see them for over a month before our relationship ended. He always refered to his ex-wife as part of his family.
He has had other relationships before me so I don’ t this was just another rebound.
I want to work through this with him but I have a sinking feeling it will never happen.
Hi Lisa.
It looks like he considered you incompatible and left you when the relationship demanded more energy and time than he was emotionally capable of giving. He probably focused on the negative aspects too much and allowed himself to detach.
For now, you must give him space. Let him process the separation and see if he has any regrets. If he regrets leaving, he knows where to find you.
Stay strong!
Zan