If you’re wondering, “Will I ever hear from my ex again,” I may have some good news for you. I’ve done a little bit of research and talked to some dumpees to understand how long it took their exes to reach out.
I also spoke to dumpers, browsed through several forums, and conversed with dumpees from all over the world to provide you with the most accurate information I possibly can.
In my research, I excluded cases where ex-partners live or work together or are forced to break no contact.
I also excluded cases where dumpers needed to collect their belongings or had other unfinished business with dumpees such as kids. I wanted this research to be about non-complicated breakups and be as accurate as possible.
To my astonishment, it didn’t take extremely long for most dumpers to reach out. Many dumpers found reasons to get back in touch with their dumpee relatively soon after the breakup and would then continue to breadcrumb their ex afterward.
They just weren’t ready to cut their ex out of their lives completely.
So if you’re worried that you’ll never hear from your ex again, try not to be. Your ex reaching out doesn’t even indicate that your ex wants you back. It usually means that the dumper is curious about the dumpee and that he or she wants to see how the dumpee thinks and feels during no contact.
To you, the reach out will most likely give you false hope and a lot of anxiety. It will disturb your healing and cause you more damage than any other insult or threat any other person has ever caused.
The topic of this post is, “Will I hear from my ex again?” We’ll analyze the results from the survey and try to figure out what that means for you.
How long does it usually take dumpers to reach out?
The time it takes exes to reach out varies for each individual. It takes some dumpees days or weeks and others months or years. Some dumpers also never break no contact. They stay in it and focus on moving forward with their lives.
Such dumpers tend to resent their exes, have a strict no contact policy, or aren’t capable of seeing their exes in a better light. All they can do is blame their exes for their actions and feelings and ignore the need to self-reflect and improve themselves.
But fortunately, not many dumpers completely destroy their exes’ value in their eyes. Most dumpers cool off after a while and become curious about their exes. That’s why they send their exes breadcrumbs and talk about unimportant things dumpees couldn’t care less about.
If your ex never reaches out (not even years later), you need to know that this isn’t such a bad thing. You should consider it a blessing in disguise and be thankful to your ex for not confusing you and disturbing your healing.
Your ex let you heal and detach and gave you a golden opportunity to learn and improve from the breakup.
Unlike most dumpees who torture themselves with “what ifs,” you were able to let go of hope quicker than most dumpees and found happiness within yourself. If you ask me, that’s priceless because nothing is more important than your health and well-being.
Anyway, many dumpees worry they’ll never hear from their ex again. They’re scared their ex will find someone else and that they’ll stay miserable forever. If this is what you’re thinking, you need to stop. It’s not helping you improve your self-esteem and become a better person at all.
All it’s doing is putting you down, giving you anxiety, and making you think your ex will find eternal happiness without you.
Let’s now have a look at the data I gathered.
As you can see from the chart above, the chart consists of 108 dumpers. Dumpers are of different ages and genders and had unique relationships. That’s why it took some dumpers longer than others to reach out.
Human beings are different by nature and go through different post-breakup experiences, so it’s impossible to predict when they’ll reach out and what they’ll reach out for. All we can do is generalize.
One of the most interesting things I’ve discovered is that many dumpers (14.8%) contacted their dumpees before the end of the first month. I’m not sure how their conversations went, but some probably had a fakeup and ended up back together shortly after getting back in touch.
Others likely just checked up on their exes and then went back to no contact when they assuaged their guilt.
After the first month of a breakup, the chances of exes reaching out decreased by a staggering 50%, dropping down to 6.48% per month.
This indicates that dumpers weren’t very eager to converse. They probably processed unhealthy emotions such as guilt and shame and found it easier to focus on themselves and not worry about their exes.
The average time it takes dumpers to reach out to their exes
According to the results from the survey, dumpees’ chances of hearing from their exes were the highest in the first half of the year after the breakup. Dumpees were still on dumpers’ minds a lot at that time, so dumpers reached out to discuss something they wanted or needed to discuss.
After the 6th month mark, however, the number of dumpers reaching out decreased significantly. The percentage fluctuated at around 3.3% per month until the “years later” mark. That’s when more dumpers started reaching out.
Some offered friendship and some asked to get back together because they failed to connect with other people.
If we take into consideration only the first 12 months after the breakup, a total of 86 dumpers broke no contact and contacted their exes after 7.16 months on average.
This means that based on these statistics alone, you’re most likely going to hear from your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend in the first 6 months. Your ex could contact you when he or she processes the breakup a bit more and sees that it’s safe to reach out and talk to you again.
If you don’t hear from your ex in the first 6 months, however, then your ex hasn’t found a reason to reach out yet. He or she could still be resentful, happy in the new relationship, or not convinced that talking to you is a good idea.
You need to give your ex more time and continue to focus on yourself.
What are the chances my ex will reach out?
Dumpees are terrified of never hearing from their ex again. The thought of being abandoned and forgotten hurts them so much that they often look for signs their ex still loves them and signs their ex will eventually come back.
They don’t want to accept that their ex may be over them and that they might have to let go of hope and find happiness without their ex.
If it’s been months since the breakup and you still haven’t heard from your ex, don’t panic and contact your ex first. Bear in mind that it’s normal for dumpers to stay away from dumpees for months. Heck, it’s normal for them to stay away for a year or even longer.
The end of a relationship triggers a lot of unhealthy emotions inside dumpers.
It makes them so angry or disappointed that they burn out emotionally and destroy their ability to want to contact their exes and talk about something. It becomes safer and better for them not to risk getting back in touch with their exes.
Especially if dumpees begged and pleaded with them for another chance or took revenge on them. Such behaviors often make dumpers associate unhealthy associations with their exes and lose all respect and interest.
The only two things that can make them want to talk with their exes again are time and self-reflecting experiences.
According to my research, 9.26% of dumpees never heard back from their dumper ex. This means that the chances of your ex reaching out are 90.7%.
If you ask me, 90.7% is pretty good! Don’t let your anxiety get the best of you while you’re “waiting” to hear from your ex.
Expecting quick results or hoping that your ex reaches out by a certain date is only going to prolong your pain and suffering. It’s going to make you stay dependent on your ex and give your ex the ability to control your feelings.
Another thing we need to mention is that sometimes dumpers contact their exes and get back together with them even after 30 years or longer. Yes, 30 years is a long time, but that proves that some exes reappear many years later and that the number of exes reaching out in the future is even bigger than the survey shows.
But let’s just focus on the few years’ timeline because you won’t care much about your ex if you don’t hear from your ex after 5 years or more. You’ll have found your peace and probably someone else to date.
The odds are in your favor!
To round it up, we can say that every 10th person is never going to hear from their ex again.
Understanding your chances of hearing from your ex will probably make you feel good, but try not to hold on to hope too much. Hope is going to make detachment much more difficult than it needs to be. It’s going to keep you looking over your shoulder and give you unnecessary anxiety.
If you can, it’s much healthier for you to accept that you might never hear from your ex and that it’s okay. That kind of thinking will prepare you for the worst whereas expecting to hear from your ex will make you dependent on your ex’s outreach.
So allow only as much hope into your system as it’s healthy and needed for your healing. When you’re coping well and don’t need hope, however, try to get rid of hope by telling yourself that it doesn’t matter if your ex reaches out.
Your life will go on whether you hear from your ex or not. Just give yourself some time to detach and you’ll see you don’t need your ex in your life to be happy.
Will I hear from my ex again in the future if I begged and pleaded?
It goes without saying that post-breakup mistakes push the dumper away and delay the time it takes him or her to grow respect for you and reach out.
Depending on how long you begged and how insecure you appeared, your ex will need some time to recover. He or she will need to focus on enjoying the space the breakup provides and worry only about his or her wants and needs.
That’s how your ex might be able to disassociate stress, contempt, and anger from your persona and feel a bit better about reaching out.
Although I can’t speculate how much begging for love and attention is too much, you need to know that a lot of begging can reduce your value tremendously, overwhelm your ex emotionally, and make your ex not want to speak with you again.
Some negative emotions can be too difficult to disassociate from you even years after the breakup, so do your best to avoid hurting your ex and making yourself look bad. You need to invest in yourself rather than your ex and wait for your ex to forget about your behavior and find reasons to contact you.
That could take time, of course, but, unfortunately, you can’t speed up the time it takes to hear from your ex. If you try to make your ex see your worth, you’ll achieve the opposite and make your ex want to speak with you even less.
So stay in no contact and work on yourself. Improve whatever needs improving and don’t reach out.
It’s been months/years. Will I ever hear from my ex again?
You may not like what I’m about to say, but you don’t want to hear from your ex before a few months have gone by. If you hear from your ex too soon and get back with your ex, nothing’s going to change. You’re going to be the same people maturity-wise, so you’ll likely break up again when you encounter the same issues.
That’s why it’s much better for you and your ex to separate from each other completely for at least a few months. That way, you can improve the things you need to improve and then come back together to see if it’s possible to work together as a couple.
I know you want to hear from your ex now (especially if you’re hurting), but you shouldn’t rush things. You guys should first figure out why the breakup happened and then do something about it. That’s the only way you can prevent breaking up again in the future.
So instead of focusing on hearing from your ex, focus on improving yourself. Your ex will have to do the same. If he or she doesn’t, your ex will have a lot of catching up to do later when/if your ex comes back.
The most successful ex-couples take the time to identify their shortcomings and improve them.
Keep in mind that exes come back on their own terms when they don’t have a choice but to come back. In other words, they come back when life gives them lemons and teaches them that what they had was good and that they threw it away because they couldn’t appreciate it.
What you’re looking for from your ex is regret and the determination to invest in you, himself/herself, and the relationship. Without a healthy relationship mentality and willpower, your ex will not grow much. Your ex will remain the same and will likely leave again once your ex gets what he or she needs from you.
Will I ever hear from my ex again if I told my ex to leave me alone?
Just because you’ve told your ex not to contact you anymore, this doesn’t mean you won’t ever hear from your ex. Your ex is not staying away from you because of what you’ve told your ex after the breakup but because your ex wanted to stay away from you.
The breakup made your ex lose all romantic feelings, so your ex now needs to redevelop them. I’m not saying your ex will fall back in love with you for sure, but your ex might if things don’t go according to plan.
For example, if your ex dates someone else and gets dumped, your ex could get hurt a lot and need someone to rely on. That someone could be you provided that you remained strong in no contact and left your ex alone.
So don’t worry too much about the things you said or did during or soon after the breakup. If your ex was breadcrumbing you or doing something he or she shouldn’t be doing, you needed your ex to stop contacting you and making healing difficult for you.
You needed to focus on yourself and let your ex enjoy the space and freedom he or she wanted.
Rest assured that your ex will contact you even if you asked for space. Your ex will do it because he or she will need to do it. That’s the best thing about no contact. It forces dumpers to reach out when they’re having a hard time.
Don’t be afraid!
Don’t let the fear of not hearing from your ex weigh you down and hold you back from enjoying your life. You may really want to hear from your ex and get back together with your ex, but fear and anxiety don’t have to control your life.
They serve very little purpose in your life, so try to control them instead. Try not to check your phone every 5 minutes for your ex’s messages and get busy with life. You need to focus on things that matter so you don’t stay emotionally dependent on your ex and waste your life waiting for someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
If you stay afraid, your ex will sense it when he or she reaches out. Your ex will see that you’ve put him or her on a pedestal and that you don’t value yourself much. That will, in turn, create a huge power imbalance and make your ex lose his or her remaining interest.
Remember that your ex won’t value you if you don’t value yourself. So make sure to value yourself. Do that by continuing to move on and enjoying your life as much as you can.
Are you still wondering if you’ll ever hear from your ex again? Now that you know what the chances of hearing from your ex are, do you feel at ease? Tell us what you think and feel in the comments below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your breakup, click here to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan, once again another great article. Your articles have definitely assisted me in handling matters of my breakup in probably one of the most healthiest ways I’ve ever done, and believe me I’m no spring chicken. I’m currently 2 months into NC and I must say your right it definitely does get easier daily. I started to return the focus on me and my goals. I still have those days where I wonder if I’ll ever hear from my ex again, not to necessarily reconcile but just to know that there is no animosity between us. I am the dumpee I did not beg or plead but did tell him the hurt he caused which he apologized for. With that being said do you think I would still hear from him? To be honest I don’t know how I would feel if I did. I guess some days are harder than others but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Any advice is appreciated. I’m trying to cope in a positive manner and your blog has definitely helped with that process.
I’ve been in NC with my ex for 1 month now and I wonder if I will ever hear from him. Did you ever hear from your ex?
Hi, Zan and others,
I’ve read all comments and articles, I find myself in this situation:
Me and my ex had ~1.5 year relationship, broke ones last year, after I’ve pleaded and ask her to give us a 2nd chance, after 2 months, we started again, but nothing new happened, we “continued” our previous relationship. What we’ll do when she has drugs addiction (weed everyday and others kind of drugs weekly – she can’t afford them by herself anymore in the mean time) because she has anxiety and depression (but she doesn’t want to go therapy), it’s the only way for her to be “happy” and feeling alive: leave her alone or give her time and go back in contact after 6/8 months? Currently in NC from the break up when she moved for the first time alone in 37 years.
HI Zan, I left a comment but don’t see it…
NM sorry. I see it now. Just making sure it didn’t get lost in the ether… best to you. – A
Hi Zan… great post, thanks for this. So many people have this question, and the answer I see most is “you don’t want them back”. So frustrating. This was finally a legitimate answer. If you have time for a quick reply to my story I’d appreciate it. I got to know my ex when we were in grade school, we are about four years apart. We were always semi-friends, I was in the same class as her older sister. Started flirting a little off and on when we were both in college, even went on a few dates. She always had a habit of just sort of disappearing for a long time. Ten years went by, I reached out when I was about 31 and saw her on FB. We connected right away and started talking off and on. This was around 2011. We had a very intense physical attraction that was the driving factor. She still had a habit of disappearing for long periods, but it never bothered me until mid-2014 when I realized I was falling for her. Then I started worrying she didn’t like me anymore, blah blah blah, OCD’ing… you know the drill. I let her know I was interested in getting a little more serious. She didn’t reach out with legitimate interest until December 2014. From that point on we were pretty much “dating” all through 2015. We weren’t exclusive, just talked almost every day, with a very intense physical relationship. Through that whole time I worried about her disappearing. She even warned me “I’ve broken guys before”… though I never thought it would happen to me. In mid-February she ghosted me for about a week then called and said “thank you for giving me my space”. Instead of this helping, it worried me more. I think I cried on the phone maybe, that certainly didn’t help lol. Anyway, I was sure she was gone forever. I drank myself into a stupor, probably gained 20 pounds. She called a month later ready to “get together”. I told her nicely that I would love to but I needed some time to get myself together. The next day she asked again to get together, and I said the same thing. I needed about a week or so. Well I got myself together, called her, left a message, looking forward to seeing her, etc… and that’s it. Never heard back. She blocked me on FB, Pinterest (where we had shared some secret message boards), and I heard from her Sister that even mentioning my name made her uncomfortable. I’ve never experienced anything so bizarre. I’m crazy about her, and I think about her every day. It’s been five years. Obviously crazier things have happened, and it wouldn’t shock me if she reached out someday, I guess I’m just wondering what advice you’d give (be gentle please) lol… IF she was to reach out again, what causes someone to get over whatever they are pissed about? I mean blocking someone on social media… this girl is the most extroverted girl I’d ever met. She never blocked ANYONE. So I obviously struck a nerve by saying no when she was ready to get together. We shared a LOT of great times though, not to mention an incredible sex life… could those be things that linger in the mind? Appreciate your writing. So many forums on Reddit, etc. are very cold and hurtful. Exactly the opposite of what people in this situation need. Also I should add… I’m a pianist & songwriter, and have seen some pretty significant success. If my career continues to progress, and she hears of my success, does that often bring exes out of the woodwork? Best to you, and thanks again. – Anon.
Clarifying dates here. February 2016 was when she ghosted the first time for a week. A month later in March was when she reached out to get together after I was a wreck. So it’s been a little over four years to be exact. Thanks.
Hi!
I love this article. It’s one of the best ones I’ve read on the topic.
My situation is a little unusual. My ex reached out multiple times in the first couple of months but I was cold and hurt. I acted as if I was high value and busy, but it was all manipulation which I regret. I was suffering.
We agreed to meet and between the agreement and our meeting she had someone new, she cancelled last minute and then proceeded to block me on various channels. I reached out a few weeks later and was blocked on that too. I let it be.
Two months later she reached out with a birthday message which I ignored.
That reach out was 8 months ago. I miss her, but she’s with someone else. I want to talk with her as I’ve improved massively in all aspects of my and I have this lingering feeling that she will be glad I’ve changed and we’d be mature enough to communicate effectively.
I’m no longer waiting for her as she messaged me last, but I’m not sure where the boundaries are for me to message her now. I feel secure and confident in myself (I wasn’t before which is why we broke up) and I’m not scared of a brutal reply/no reply. I just don’t want to ruin a potential future reconciliation. This article is spot on with giving time before reconnecting and I’m 100% behind it. I thought I was ready 6 months ago but I wasn’t now I look back. I truly want her to be happy now and honestly believe I’d smile if I knew she was in a great place with someone new.
On the flip side I’ve not seen anything about what to do months later if you’ve ignored your ex in the past.
Would love some thoughts.
Take care everyone
In this article, you say there’s a high chance of hearing from an ex even if you begged and pleaded (I begged for a total of three days over the course of four weeks, we had limited contact but both initiated it; we are now no contact). In other articles, you say that begging and pleading greatly lowers your chance of hearing from an ex again. I admit I am a little confused. Will you clarify?
Hi Cassie, I think the difference is between reconciling and contacting. Even if you beg and plead, you most likely will still hear from your ex, but begging and pleading are two of the biggest breakup mistakes and usually reduce the chances of reconciliation. I hope this helps.
Hi I’m in a different situation. I met this guy on hinge about 3 months ago. We had a great connection did everything together and spent almost every day together since we met. Our feelings were mutual and he seemed like the greatest guy I’ve ever met. He expressed that there’s little things that he doesn’t like about the way I handle things. I really felt attacked and felt like he was kind of belittling me and my feelings. I ended up breaking up with him after talking about it and not really getting anywhere with the conversation. And I did it over a text which I know now was wrong. He answered and said you broke up with me over a text f**k you and then blocked me on absolutely everything. I’m having mixed feelings and I miss him. I’m scared we’re both missing out on a great relationship. I added hinge back just to get my mind of things and came across him on there. I want to message him its only been 6 days and I want him to reach out to me. Do you think that he will or do you think it’s up to me to reach out. Helppp 🙁
Hey,
I’ve been super worried, my ex fully blocked me on everything after telling me he didn’t think we should talk again.. This came after 2 weeks after breaking up, and him thinking I was doing things like catfishing and hacking his Internet etc.. Of course I wasn’t, but he has bad anxiety.. He totally lost trust for me, is there any chance I’m going to hear from him again?
My ex Ghosted me! I just wish i knew why?
Hi Carrie.
Don’t torment yourself with questions you don’t have, nor want answers to. It’s best that you do some soul-searching and correct your shortcomings on your own.
Best,
Zan
I just got out of a relationship. Just north of six months total. We matched on a dating website and hit it off immediately. Never fought, rarely argued. Always had fun together. She has a daughter who I really started to become attached to and vice versa. Because of what is going on in the world right now with shelter-in-Place, and quarantine measures, we were only able to see each other just one time in the last six weeks of our relationship. She called me up out of the blue a couple weeks ago to tell me that it was over. That she had lost the spark we once had, and that she really wasn’t thinking of me anymore. I was of course, pretty heartbroken, but maintained to keep it as a really friendly breakup (no name-calling/ugly words etc). I’ve reached out to her a couple of times and she’s been very receptive to talking on both occasions. I think I’m just fooling myself though. I think she’s only being receptive because she doesn’t want to seem rude. And although I hope one day, she might want to try again just because of how the circumstances played out, I also think that as difficult as it is, I need to move on.
Kyle… I feel your pain.
I was in a relationship for 6 months. We hit it off really well… enjoyed our time together. She even wanted me to meet her family! We never fought or argued.
Then Covid happened. We agreed that self quarantine is important because at the time here in New York, nobody had any clue as to what was happening. It was total chaos. We still talked on the phone regularly and texted daily “have a good day! Stay safe! Miss you!” We both were making equal efforts to stay in contact. But as the months went by, slowly, it seemed that I was making more of an effort to maintain contact.
One week, I received messages like “Miss you”… “can’t wait to see you”…. “when are your next days off from work?”
The following week, I received a text basically saying that because of all the madness in the world, she can’t be in a relationship right now…. maybe down the line, but for now this is where she’s at… can’t move forward until leaving the present. Obviously I was very sad. I didn’t beg or plead… I respected her decision and said I would support her in whatever capacity even if just as a loyal friend. I let a week go by and wrote her a card… very brief and to the point, wishing her and her family good health and if it was ok if I could reach out occasionally just to say hello… asking if I could be a friend now, down the line or back off altogether. I said I don’t need to be in a relationship right now, but I would like to contribute to her life in a positive, meaningful and supportive capacity.
I never heard back.
I’ve never contacted her since the breakup other than the card I mailed. I’m using this time to self reflect. I’m not beating myself up anymore over what I did wrong. But I do miss her. I’d be more than willing to wait as long as necessary for her to work through whatever she’s dealing with.
But my heart is telling me to move on. Peacefully and quietly… move on.
I’m grateful for the happy memories we had, even if they were short lived.
I’m going through a break up my ex ghosted and blocked me 2days ago after a petty argument, I have tried to email him, but no response, as it stands things are not looking good
Use the time to work on yourself. I know it sounds easier said than done but I was in a similar situation. My ex ended up reaching out and apologizing after month and a couple of days. After a considerable amount of time you may not even want them back. But don’t reach out anymore. It will hurt I know it will and you’ll ask yourself why and how but that will only make you feel worse! You’re not alone we’ve all been there. Best of luck.
she reached out after 364 days. needed to tell you guys. some bullshit like she wants to give me a thing back which is obviously worthless. and my anxciety messed up BIG TIME 1 year ago. so whatever happens next, i think i‘m ready for it. time is the key! true story.
Hi Alex.
Don’t overanalyze and hang in there!
Best regards,
Zan
Yes I know. I don’t want to make false hope and I’ll try to be realistic. But she could have just thrown it away if she didn’t care. Pretty sure she tried to make contact, for whatever reason. I’ll stay no contact for the next 50 years if necessary. And It’s been a hell of a year – everything that i read from your blog happend and I have to tell you again that it’s an awesome work of yours. I have done all the work, i got unbelievably successfull at my job. Nothing of that would have happened without this endless pain. Just like you said, it’s true – Dumpees DO evolve. Only one question remains – what do I do if she contacts me again. If she asks if we can talk again. If she wants to be friends. We were both working together – what if she asks for some of the projects we worked together, which would mean i would have to dive in the past again. Should i say no to that? How do I talk to her again and make it hard for her at the same time. Dude. It’s difficult!
sorry for double posting!
Need advice, please help. Me and my partner broke up 3 weeks ago. We had a petty arguement and both said it was over. I presumed it was just an arguement not an actual break up. We didn’t speak for a week (longest time not speaking in the 9 years we were together). The week later I rang him and he said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and we don’t work . He won’t give me a reason as to why. We have been together for 9 years. We are currently saving for a house together. We also work together. I have recently had a promotion to night manager and will be starting this in 6 weeks. The week we broke up he himself has been contracted to nights so I will have to work with him. The idea of us both doing nights was so we could spend more time together and save up quicker and move in together faster. The day after all this happened he acted normal and said he loved me. Then later on said he doesn’t know what he wants. In the space of 2 weeks knowing he doesn’t want me it’s like my world has fallen apart. We have never argued like this before. In this 2 weeks a new girl has started at work and the rumours have gone Into overdrive about them being close and messaging each other. Her giving him lifts home. He has promised me nothing is going on. If I try and speak to him about us he doesn’t want to know. I have begged and pleaded for him to speak to me and he won’t. I am now on day 5 of my no contact and all I want is for him to speak to me. I know if we talked about things we would be able to work things out as I don’t u detstand how you can simply stop loving someone after 9 years. Any advice and I would be grateful. Thanks.
My ex broke up with me claiming “work” was the issue but I know it wasn’t. Work has been busy for him for months now. Anyway it’s been a week with no word. I reached out a couple of times, nothing. Didn’t really reach out to get back together just wanted to have a conversation and let him know we could remain friendly and just get more insight on how he was feeling since the break up was initially one text and that was the end of the conversation. He also unfollowed me on ig but didn’t block me so obviously he still wants to look at my stuff. Selfish is what he is. I’m taking this time to focus on me so if he does come back I won’t want him.
You are funny. You still care about your ex that’s why you are reading the article. Why are you going to act like you don’t after reading the article. That makes no sense.
That’s exactly why the last part of my comment said I’m taking time to focus on me so if he does come back I won’t want him. Did that part not make sense to you? Idiot. And why are you here? Are you not going through a similar situation? This is supposed to be people coming together for support. You’re really dumb.
Amy,
I understand your situation as I’m currently in a similar position. I think you’re doing the right thing… self reflection and making time for you. That’s my approach…. reaffirming that being in relationship isn’t the source of happiness.
Happiness needs to start with me.
Hope you’re doing well.
Ian
If anyone can give any advice I’d be greatly appreciative.
My ex finished it with me 6 weeks ago. I contacted her a little too much at first and she asked me to leave her alone. I respected this at first but occasionally slipped up. Not with begging messages but just general conversation. Sometimes she replied, sometimes she didn’t.
One day she blocked me on everything. This hurt, I knew it would happen eventually but wasn’t expecting it when it happened. I emailed her to ask why as emotionally I was feeling really hurt.
The following day the police called me and said she had told them I had engaged in unwanted communication. I apologised and told tjem to pass on my regret and apology to her as I had no idea it had upset her that much.
Since then I have not heard from her obviously but have now found that she’s on a dating website.
It’s really rocked me as we had been talking of having kids, buying a house etc.
As a side note, she lost her job in October which led to stressful times for us and in November she began to say she was doubting whether she could still do it. December and January went really well then at start of Feb she said she was muddled again. The month was very up and down then at the end of Feb she ended it.
Additional info she has depression and anxiety.
Oh wow. Well she obviously has her own personal issues that go beyond what you and her had going on. In this case I think she just needed time to herself to work on her own self and issues. Don’t take it personally. I know it’s hard but it will get better in time. I know it sounds cliche and not what you want to hear but it’s the truth. And what’s meant to be will be. If she is meant for you she’ll come back and she’ll be better than before. Best of luck 🙂
Depression and anxiety on top of a lost job situation can make the best of times go bad. Hope things get better for her, you, and maybe with time, the two of you. Above all, try your best to NOT feed into blaming yourself for all that has gone wrong. I speak fro experience that doing so is a huge mistake. Find value in YOU and never let any one person dominate your personal self worth.
My ex ended up reaching out last month after a month and a week. He apologized and basically tried to strike up a convo. Just wanted to put that out there.
What was the reason he reached out?
Thank you for all this I am still hurting after a year
Idk why I’m on here. I just feel so alone and wanted some opinions Military bf broke up with me today he just blocked me and said he had to lose me to go to college in Georgia. We both live in Arizona. I said congratulations for him for graduating he didn’t text me back at all but posted it on his story and I called him out on it .he said sorry for being a dirt bag and hanging out with his family. I said it’s fine to hang out with them on your graduation day. But you didn’t even text or call me saying you did ( even though it was on fb. I congratulated him ) He was probably out of the relationship for 6 weeks because he hasn’t texted since basic. Ya ya the military changes you. But he was so rude ab it and blocked me. Even if his parents knew about it and were trying to fix us it’s our relationship and lives his family shouldn’t have to be In it. I just wanted him to say thanks babe something like that I was his girlfriend obviously he didn’t see it that way. . The last thing I said to his parents was can I have a picture back I bought from the Bahamas and to ask her son for it back. Probably won’t. But it’s okay. I returned his stuff back but his parents weren’t there so i left it on his door step. He has me thinking the whole time he found someone else etc. but was a right in this situation?
Is my ex smiling at me considered reaching out after him being cold? (I ignored it)
Just wanted to share my story…
I met my ex on Bumble and when we matched, there was no mention that she was divorced or had a kid (as I’m sure her opportunities drop at an exponential level advertising those details right away). It wasn’t until I asked her out and she agreed that she shared this information with me. Anyway, it was probably one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on. Strong connection, great chemistry, etc.
We dated approximately 4 months in total and every bit of that was great. No fighting, always had a great time with one another, always got along, things looked incredibly promising…
Long story short, she pulled away after losing her job and shortly after, ended things between us. I stupidly attempted to reach out on 3 occasions after she ended it, starting from one week after (she actually responded to my texts at first but then started ignoring me) to one month after (I sent her a bday card in the mail). If I could do that over, I would’ve reached out zero times, but you live and you learn. Take my word that our relationship was great and I did nothing to provoke all of this, it’s just the cards I was unfortunately dealt.
Anyway, it’s been a year and 5 months as of this post and I haven’t seen or heard from her since.
I’ve long since moved on but I remember after this happened, I was hurting pretty bad and experienced depression for the first time. I’m sharing my story to tell you that if you’re going through a breakup, it’s very very difficult at first but will absolutely get better over time. Do your best to stay strong and NOT reach out as it truly will affect your chances of reconciliation, although you really are better off without them even though it’s not possible to see that right now due to how much pain you’re in.
When you’ve healed from this experience, I hope that you write a similar to response as mine to help a future generation.
Oh man I’m so sorry. People are so selfish. My ex did the same to me and I stupidly reached out multiple times as well. Did your ex give a valid break up reason? Or something you felt may have been a cop out? We dated a bit longer though 11 months with plans to move in and the whole thing. It’s only been a week but I’m heart broken nonetheless. I hope you gained strength from this whole situation. Best of luck
The reason I got was “I don’t have the capacity in my life for you right now”. When I asked if we could resume things when she got her situation sorted out, she just said “I don’t know, I can’t think about that right now.” I’m understanding enough to know that losing your job when you have a kid has got to be pretty scary, but pushing someone who cares about you away (who was also willing to assist in whatever way was needed) was not the right decision. She had instagram, but deactivated it before things ended between us. I noticed it would get reactivated every couple of months for like a week, then deactivated again (very bizarre behavior). Maybe she was checking in on me? Anyway, after her account had been deactivated for 6+ months, she turned it back on. By this time, I had long since moved on, so as soon as I saw that she was back (I share stuff with friends a lot in my DMs and we had a DM from when we dated, it’s very easy to notice a new message appear that wasn’t previously there), I unfollowed her and removed her from my friends list so she couldn’t snoop. I figure she lost the right to know what’s going on in my life when she removed me from her’s. She’s never attempted to try follow me back, send me another DM, or reach out in any way. I’ve been in no contact for about 17 months now, so I can’t imagine I’ll ever hear from her again. I know there’s a lot of really bad suitors out there, so she has really bad odds of finding someone else that is better than me (especially with a child, most guys don’t want to deal with that kind of situation). I’m much better off without her and I think that’s likely the case with you. Our ex’s don’t deserve us, so I would highly recommend you do focus on yourself (there’s no one more important than you right now) and do not reach out to your ex.
It gets better each day to be honest. Talking to friends and having them assure me that I deserve better helps rebuild my self esteem and remind me how confident I was on my own pre relationship. I’m in my mid twenties and so is he so I like to think he’s just young and still finding himself. Like you said she’ll realize her loss with you, he’ll realize he’ll never find another me soon enough. I’ll be happy once I reach the point where I no longer care if I hear from him or not. I realize that will take more time but it will happen for me. After all we were not the first nor will be the last to experience being heart broken. Good to hear you’re in an overall better place, thanks for the advice.
I feel you bro. Same story. Thats the case with seperated woman. Jumping into relationships. Trust me. Theyre still inlove with thier previous partners. It sucks bigtime. Well lesson learned. Go for single woman. Especially when they just got out of a divorce.
CB, sorry you went through a breakup like that 🙁
I want to add that single mothers who date online sometimes don’t advertise the kid thing because there are a lot of weird men out there who actually seek out single mothers and vulnerable children. Sometimes it’s a safety thing and not about avoiding initial filtering.
Thank you, this really helped me put things into perspective. I had a massive fight with mine as he wasn’t treating me right and I had enough. I told him I’ll stay with him if he treats me better and he told me he didn’t have the energy so we cut contact. This was 2 days ago so it’s still quite fresh. I felt betrayed and used more than anything else that he didn’t care enough to even try. The fact you got through the pain has inspired me, thank you. 🙂 🙂
Our relationship was LDR, we dated for one year, our connection was amazing, we had so much fun, we plan to have a baby, he planned so many things for us, but our situation was not easy. I have two boys, he has none , he was never married. Sometimes I didn’t believe so many plans that he always had, during our relationship his career got very prosperous and he always thanked me for that, before meeting me he was lost, couldn’t focus, spent $ with things not important, somehow I made him grounded and prosperous. He got three promotions in one year, last promotion Made him very successful/powerful.
I think he let his success interfere in our relationship, he was more self centered, sometimes he called me showing how beautiful was his office, he stopped asking about me or my boys, but I understood. On December 31 we spent together, he looked into my eyes and said: baby this year we will have our baby.
Next week he said he couldn’t be with me anymore, life is too short, and he couldn’t see his life going the was for more years. This happened last week, he completely erased from his life. I haven’t heard from him since.
It hurts bc I feel that I was used, I gave him the tools to become successful and humble, and when he got power and success, he left me.
Your situation seems almost identical to mine. I’m wondering how things ended up for you? I am 7 days post break up and struggling.
Hello! I recently found your site and I have enjoyed reading all of your helpful comments and was hoping to get some insight from you. I know that every case is different, but since you are the expert, I definitely wanted some advice and I was hoping you might be able to shed some light for me. My ex and I met when I was separated/about to file to be divorced from my ex husband. We bonded over the shared trauma that we had both felt in past relationships and fell pretty hard for one another. We both drank like fish as well. After about 6 months, my ex decided to get sober from alcohol. Which was absolutely amazing for him. But I did not get sober because I did not feel like I had the same issues as he did. When he got out of rehab, he told me that it would be ok if I continued to drink since I had a stressful job and could not smoke like he could. At that point in time, my divorce was being finalized finally. I was finally starting to process the loss of that friendship/relationship. While I was no longer in love with my ex husband, he was someone that I very much still cared for as a person. I tried to talk to my ex about this because he of all people could understand losing someone that you cared for in your life (especially when you were losing family and pets as well) and he basically shut down and said it was not fair for me to talk to him about my past relationship. This caused me to drink more because I felt that I was not being heard by the one person I wanted to talk to about the feelings I was feeling. So I tried to numb the pain. After all, I helped him through his trauma getting sober and pushed mine to the side and only began dealing with it much later. Over the course of his first year of sobriety, we had many discussions about my drinking. He wanted me to go to meetings, but I was afraid of going by myself and he refused to come with me. I did cut back on drinking, but there were several occasions that I definitely imbibed too much. Because he replaced drinking with smoking, I did not feel like he was truly sober, so I did not see what my drinking was doing to him. I could feel him slipping away and becoming distant from me which made me extremely worried. I could feel the relationship becoming toxic because we were not communicating like we should. We broke up a month and a half ago after I confronted him for talking to other people and acting single (he broke up with me after that). Since then we both have reached out a couple of times. We exchanged Christmas gifts. He told me that he thought this was just a break and I said that I thought so too. He said that he loves me, but that this is what we both need right now. He said that he does not regret our relationship because he owes a lot of who he is now to me. That we both need to get happy and healthy and that we just met at a bad time in our lives. That if we were to happen again, it needed to happen organically and for us not to force it. Since then, he has started to back off of talking to me and has signed up for online dating I feel sad and upset because I thought this was an opportunity for us to both move forward and get healthy, work through our problems separately and see if we were still compatible when we were in the same head space. I feel like he sent me mixed signals, and I am the only one working on my traumas. In the end, I will be a happier person regardless because I am confronting my issues for the first time in a decade, but I was not under the impression that I should give up hope for us. After the long conversation that we initially had, we have only discussed monetary matters since we lived together before. It has been a week and a half since I have been completely no contact. Which is difficult because we are both still on the same phone plan. Am I being completely foolish to think that we will talk again?
No I think you guys will talk. Who’s to say when though. I also think this may be Gods way of saying take a step back and work on you for you not you for him. You might realize that you don’t want him. Stay strong I know it’s hard when you want to be with someone and you aren’t able to be with them.
Hi zan!
Just wanted to say thank you for an amazing site.
I think its always best to get people to focus on themselves more, you tend to many times get lost in relationships and loose what is important to you.
I am starting to feel more relaxed with my ex breaking up with me by each day.
It takes a lot of will but I feel i’m becoming more at ease.
I do however sometimes think about what happened and try to evaluate the relationship the best I can.
My ex boyfriend did not say much during the break up.
I did however find (and i know this is wrong, but i was looking for answers)
his journal, and in that journal he wrote that he does not think he is good for me but he still loves me.
I haven’t talked to him about it, i just accepted what he wanted.
I do however wonder if it will always be impossible to restart something again, since it would never make a difference how much i improve myself?
I would be most grateful if you could shed some light on my situation.
And keep up the good work!
Kind regards
Bec
Just to clarify that this is not a teenager but a thirty year old man who I lived with
Hi! I’m still sooo depressed It’s been about 5 months since I last talked to someone I considered a best friend of sorts with feelings involved. I’m a female he’s a male. We were incredibly tight and loving for the first 4 months, texted/talked non stop throughout our day..everyday etc….then everything came crashing down when he has to leave for a very strict, very looong out of state rehab. He gets out 6 months later and i wasn’t important anymore. He didn’t even care to talk to me even though we wrote each other letters, talked on the phone and were making plans to see each other just the week before. Anyway, he starts ignoring me and I get scared and panic a little with I’d say a medium sized freak out.. that happened day of then I ceased all communication for a week to let things cool off. Then I wrote him an apology about my freak out and he responded that he knew I wasn’t being myself and to “know he doesn’t judge me”..I said thank you and if he ever needed someone to talk to I was here… well, I never hear from him again and I don’t reach out either. The ball was in his court … last week was his bday so I figured 5 months would be long enough so I sent him a message sayin Happy Birthday and that I wished we could still be friends.. I mean dang, I was the one who held his damn hand through his addiction problem. Anyway, he flat out ignored me..like wtf? It’s been a couple since his birthday and nothing… feels like a lot of unfinished business. I wonder if I’ll ever hear form him again? What are my chances? Do you think he will ever reach out if I were to be In a new relationship?