Updated on July 22, 2025
If you’re wondering, “Will I ever hear from my ex again?” I may have some good news for you. I’ve done my homework and analyzed the behavior of many dumpers to understand how long it typically takes for them to reach out to their exes.
I also spoke with dumpers, browsed various forums, and talked to dumpees from around the world to give you the most accurate information possible.
In my research, I excluded cases where ex-partners lived or worked together or were forced to break no contact for external reasons. This includes situations where dumpers needed to collect their belongings or had other ongoing obligations with the dumpee, such as co-parenting. I wanted the study to focus on straightforward breakups in order to keep the results as accurate and unbiased as possible.
To my surprise, it didn’t take super long for most dumpers to reach out. Many of them found excuses to get back in touch with their ex relatively soon after the breakup. Once they did, they often breadcrumbed their ex at least once. Breadcrumbing means they sent their ex empty messages that had nothing to do with getting back together.
Dumpers merely wanted to know how their ex was doing and if he or she resented them for blindsiding them, leaving, and causing them pain.
So if you’re worried you’ll never hear from your ex again, try not to be. When your ex finally reaches out, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex has had an epiphany and wants you back. It may mean that your ex is curious about you, feels guilty, or wants your validation, closeness, or support.
Your ex might even suggest staying friends or becoming friends with benefits. Both are equally bad because they keep you stuck in an unfair position and make it much harder for you to move on. Instead of encouraging you to detach, they force you to stay attached and crave your ex’s attention and recognition.
Hence, it’s safe to assume that your ex’s reach out will most likely give you false hope and a lot of anxiety. It will disrupt your healing and hurt you more deeply than any insult or threat anyone could ever throw at you. Your ex’s words and actions will confuse you and make you see that it’s better not to hear from an ex unless he or she regrets leaving and wants you back.
Hearing from your ex when you’re in no contact, trying to regain your composure, will set back your healing and undo the progress you’ve made. That’s because it will trigger a surge of hope—the kind that makes you believe you no longer need to focus on yourself and that you can continue to envision a future with your ex.
Don’t forget that planning a future with your ex before your ex wants you back is detrimental to your recovery and health. Every time you imagine getting back together, you reinforce false hope, delay healing, and stay obsessed with someone who doesn’t see your romantic worth.
You’ll probably feel a bit validated, but you’ll also be hungrier than ever for your ex’s presence, love, and commitment.
The topic of this post is, “Will I hear from my ex again?” We’ll analyze the survey results and help you understand what they mean for you.
How long does it usually take dumpers to reach out?
The time it takes exes to reach out varies for each individual. It takes some dumpees days or weeks—and others months or years. The time it takes depends mainly on the space they get, the respect they have towards their ex, the issues they encounter, their ability to deal with those issues, and the reasons the relationship ended. If the relationship ended due to cheating and a breach of trust, they’re typically not in a hurry to reach out. They feel betrayed and think that talking to their ex would cause more harm than good.
Such dumpers avoid reaching out unless they really need to. And they really need to when there are mutual obligations involved, like kids, work, or shared belongings such as a vehicle. Some dumpers also never break no contact. They stay in NC forever and focus on moving forward with their lives.
Oftentimes, they resent their ex, have a strict no contact policy, or aren’t capable of seeing their ex in a better light. Pain and anger prevent them from letting go of the past and urge them to continue blaming their ex for their actions and feelings. By doing so, they ignore the need to self-reflect and improve the things they need to improve.
Luckily, not all dumpers completely destroy their exes’ value in their eyes. Many dumpers cool off after a while, see that they overreacted, and become curious, scared, or guilty. They feel something they didn’t expect to feel, so they contact their ex and talk about unimportant things that dumpees couldn’t care less about.
Things like the dumpee’s dog, work, or interest in movies. By diverting attention away from relationship/breakup matters, they show they haven’t reached out to get back together, but to get something else. Something only their ex can give them. Usually, this is information, validation, forgiveness, or a familiar person to talk to.
Most dumpees are afraid they’ll never hear from their ex again. They’re scared their ex will forget about them, move on with someone else, and have a happy ever after with that person. What they’re forgetting is that they won’t always feel so low and hopeless. When they improve their self-esteem and see that they’re capable of moving on without their ex, they’ll see mainly the positives in being broken up.
Those positives often include gaining clarity, rediscovering their identity, developing emotional independence, and no longer having to tolerate a relationship that wasn’t meeting their needs.
Many times, dumpees want to get back with their ex despite knowing they weren’t happy or as happy as they wanted to be. The only reason they want to reconcile is because their ex detached and left before them, and destroyed their self-esteem, direction, and purpose.
That’s why they eventually realize that the breakup was a blessing in disguise and that it pushed them to grow and reach new heights.
If your ex never reaches out (not even years or decades later), it’s not such a bad thing. It’s better than if he or she keeps pestering you every few days with texts or calls that give you hope and hinder your healing. You should be thankful if your ex lets you heal in peace. Consider yourself lucky because many dumpees receive confusing messages from their ex that add no value to their lives whatsoever.
Besides, years from now, you won’t even care whether you ever hear from your ex. You’ll be detached, busy, happy, and have plenty of better things to focus on. Things like prioritizing your hobbies and spending time with friends and family. Your ex won’t cross your mind very often, nor trigger pain and anxiety.
So if you haven’t heard from your ex in a while or perhaps even in years, consider it a golden opportunity to learn and improve from the breakup.
Unlike most dumpees who torment themselves with endless ‘what ifs,’ you’ll be able to let go of hope sooner and start finding happiness within yourself. And if you ask me, that’s priceless because nothing matters more than your health and well-being. If your ex can’t contribute to your health and happiness through commitment and consistency, you’re better off on your own.
Anyway, many dumpees worry that they’ll never hear from their ex again. They’re scared their ex will find someone better and more compatible and that they’ll stay regretful and miserable forever. If these are the kinds of thoughts you’re feeding your brain daily, you need to stop. Thinking about things you have no control over isn’t helping you improve your self-esteem and get rid of separation anxiety and fear.
All it’s doing is putting you down, giving you gut-wrenching anxiety, and making you think you’re not good enough for your ex. Comparing yourself to others, especially people who don’t even exist, is a colossal waste of energy and time. You should instead focus on things you can control. Things like forgiving yourself and your ex, analysing your mistakes without engaging in self-blame, meeting up with friends and making new ones, and doing things that give you purpose.
That way, you’ll stop asking yourself questions such as, “Will I ever hear from my ex again?” and slowly take your mind off your ex.
If you’re currently unable to not think about your ex, that’s okay. Your breakup wounds are still fresh and need more time and self-focus to heal. Gradually, you’ll realize that you think about your ex and your ex’s reach-out/return less, and that going back may not be a smart or safe decision.
Let’s now have a look at the data I gathered about dumpers reaching out to dumpees.
As you can see from the chart above, it’s based on data from 108 dumpers of various ages and genders, and relationship backgrounds. Since no two dumpers are alike in personality and maturity, and have different reasons for breaking up and reaching out, some took longer than others to make contact.
That’s completely normal. Don’t expect your ex to reach out as quickly as someone else’s ex. Also, don’t assume your ex will return, or return for the same reasons. In most cases, dumpers come back when they’re unhappy or stressed. Other times, they return after deep reflection and personal growth unrelated to failure and pain. But that’s far less common.
Only the most developed and open-minded exes grow and miss their ex simply because they want to.
People are different in many ways and go through unique post-breakup experiences. This makes it impossible to predict exactly when or why they’ll reach out. All we can do is look at their past behaviors and patterns and make generalizations.
One of the most interesting things that stands out in the chart is that many dumpers (14.8%) contacted their dumpees before the end of the first month. I’m not sure how their conversations went, but some probably had a fakeup and ended up back together shortly after getting back in touch. Knowing that many dumpers come back for the wrong reasons, my guess is that at least 20% of them broke up within a couple of weeks. Another 10% probably broke up within the following months.
Among the dumpers who reached out within a month of the breakup, most were simply checking in on their exes. After easing their guilt, they ended the conversation/let it fizzle out and focused on themselves again. They didn’t feel the need to stay friends with someone who still desired them romantically.
After the first month, the likelihood of exes reaching out dropped sharply—by nearly 50%, falling to just 6.48% per month.
This suggests that many dumpers preferred silence over reaching out. They stopped doubting themselves, processed their guilt and shame, and chose to focus on their own healing instead of worrying about their exes. What their exes thought and felt stopped concerning them when they convinced themselves life’s too short to worry about people who hold them back and no longer matter.
The average time it takes dumpers to reach out to their exes
According to the results from the survey, dumpees were most likely to hear from their exes within the first six months after the breakup. During this period, dumpees remained on dumpers’ minds and prompted them to reach out to discuss things they wanted or needed to address.
If they felt bad, they reached out to relieve their guilt. And if they were curious, they reached out to gain insight into their ex’s life. The point is, they contacted their ex if they felt like they had something to gain from it.
After the six-month mark, the number of dumpers reaching out dropped significantly, fluctuating around 3.3% per month until the ‘years later’ period. That’s when dumpers began to reach out again.
Some offered friendship, while others asked to get back together due to a lack of happiness and/or connection with other people.
Focusing only on the first 12 months after the breakup, a total of 86 out of 108 dumpers broke no contact and reached out to their exes after an average of 7.16 months.
Based on these statistics, you’ll likely hear from your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend within the first six months of no contact. Your ex may reach out once he or she has processed the breakup and feels safe to talk again.
If you don’t hear from your ex within the first six months, it likely means that your ex hasn’t found a reason to reach out yet. He or she might still be feeling resentful, happy in a new relationship, or simply not convinced that reconnecting with you is a good idea.
Regardless of what your ex thinks and feels, you need to give your ex more time to find an incentive to reach out. You need to keep focusing on your own life, even if it’s been years since you last heard from your ex. This advice is especially important if you pleaded for a long time, showed up unannounced, or threatened your ex.
Don’t act on your pain, reach out yourself, and force your ex to talk. That will risk bringing a negative response out of your ex, destroying your ex’s respect for you, and undoing the work of no contact. If you don’t want to make things worse, stay in no contact and let your ex come to you when or if he or she is emotionally ready.
What are the chances my ex will reach out?
Dumpees often live in fear of never hearing from their ex again. The thought of being abandoned and forgotten is so painful that they frequently search for signs their ex still loves them and will eventually come back.
They don’t want to accept that their ex may be over them and that they might have to let go of hope and find happiness without their ex. Moving on without their ex frightens them, so they reject it completely.
If it’s been months since the breakup and you still haven’t heard from your ex, don’t panic. Panic could make you irrational and force you to break the rules of no contact. It could overwhelm your ex with expectations, demands, and emotions, causing your ex to think you’re needy and clingy.
Keep in mind that it’s completely normal for dumpers to stay away from dumpees for months or even a year or longer. The end of a relationship triggers a lot of negative emotions, which need time and a reason to get rid of. Most dumpers have to get hurt and, through pain and reflection, forgive their ex for hurting them.
Don’t expect your ex to get rid of his or her anger, resentment, or contempt just because you stepped away for a few months. A few months of silence can help, but they may not be enough to prevent your ex from thinking negatively about you.
This is especially true if you took revenge on your ex and started a war. The worse you treated your ex during or after the breakup, the bigger the chance that your ex associated unhealthy beliefs with you. These beliefs won’t go away willingly. Your ex will have to identify them and decide to do something about them.
He or she will probably have to admit his or her mistakes and regret the role he or she played in the breakup.
According to my research, 9.26% of dumpees never heard from their dumper ex again. Their ex moved on and either didn’t feel the need to reach out or simply suppressed his or her desire to communicate. When the desire to speak isn’t strong enough, the dumper keeps his or her distance and focuses on other things.
If 9.26% of dumpers never reach out, that means there’s a 90.7% chance your ex will eventually contact you. And if you ask me, that’s a pretty good chance! That excludes dumpers that reach out 10 years or longer after the breakup. 10 years is a long time, but some dumpers get back together with their first love after 30 years. By the time they reunite, they’re often very different people.
So try not to let anxiety get the best of you while you’re ‘waiting’ to hear from your ex. You should never put your life on hold and do nothing but wait. If you give your ex that much control over your feelings, I guarantee that you’ll keep obsessing about whether you’ll ever hear from your ex, stay unhappy, and waste your life.
Instead of becoming the best version of yourself, you’ll stay as you are maturity-wise and make similar mistakes in the future. Your short-term post-breakup goal should be to detach, grow, and rebuild your self-esteem. When you accomplish that, you’ll fear losing your ex, especially to someone else much less.
To round it up, we can say that every 10th person won’t ever hear from the dumper again. Or if he or she does hear from the dumper, it could take 10, 20, or even 30 years.
The odds are in your favor!
Knowing that your chances of hearing from your ex are fairly high might feel good, but be careful not to cling to hope. Holding on too tightly will increase your obsession with your ex and make it harder to detach and let go. It’ll keep you looking over your shoulder and make you lose out on life.
If you ask me, it’s much better for you to accept that you might never hear from your ex, and that you’ll be okay. That kind of thinking will prepare you for the worst, whereas expecting to hear from your ex will make you dependent on your ex’s outreach.
So allow only as much hope as is healthy and helpful for your healing. But once you’re coping well and no longer rely on hope for stress-management, start letting it go by reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter whether your ex reaches out or not.
All that matters is that you love yourself and feel in control of your emotions and life. When you understand that life goes on whether or not you hear from your ex, you’ll give yourself the time you need to detach and gradually realize you don’t need your ex in your life to be happy. You just need to stay away from your ex long enough to get through the storm and regain your rationality.
Will I hear from my ex again in the future if I begged and pleaded?
It goes without saying that post-breakup mistakes, such as staying in contact, begging, and apologizing, push the dumper further away and delay the time it takes him or her to redevelop respect and reach out. Every time you appear weak and desperate for love, you pressure the space-deprived dumper and make him or her want to talk to you less.
If you begged long and hard and made yourself look insecure and unhappy, your ex will probably need some time to recover. He or she will need to focus on enjoying the space the breakup provides and worry only about his or her wants and needs. Your ex won’t be happy to think about you, hear from you, or be forced to help you cope with the breakup.
Your only option is to stay in no contact and let your ex process the breakup. If you leave your ex completely alone, you’ll depict strength and independence and might be able to indirectly influence your ex to get rid of negative perceptions of you.
Having said that, here are the effects of begging and pleading on the dumper.
Although I can’t say how much begging and pleading for another chance is too much, you need to know that a lot of begging is likely to overwhelm your ex emotionally, reduce your value tremendously, and make your ex not want to speak with you again. Making your ex the center of your life will stop your ex from respecting and liking you, making it difficult for him or her to want you back.
Some unhealthy perceptions can be hard to let go of even years after the breakup, so do your best to avoid hurting your ex and making yourself look codependent. You need to invest in yourself rather than your ex and wait for your ex to forget about your behavior and find reasons to contact you.
That could take time, of course, but you can’t speed up the process. If you try to make your ex see your worth on your terms before your ex is ready, you’ll only achieve the opposite and make your ex want to speak with you less.
So stay in no contact and work on yourself. Improve whatever needs improving and don’t reach out, no matter how hurt and desperate you are for another chance. As long as your ex is convinced the breakup needed to happen, you must keep your distance and invest in yourself and others.
It’s been months/years. Will I ever hear from my ex again?
You may not like what I’m about to say, but the truth is you don’t want to hear from your ex too soon. If your ex reaches out and you get back together on the spot, nothing will have changed. You’ll both be the same people, stuck in the same patterns. It’s highly likely that you’ll break up again when the same problems resurface.
That’s why it’s much better for you and your ex to separate from each other completely for at least a few months. That way, you can focus on improving your shortcomings, letting go of hurt feelings, and finding reasons to be together. Once you’ve done all that, you can come back together to see if it’s possible to work together as a couple.
I know you want to hear from your ex now (especially now that you’re hurting), but you shouldn’t rush things. You guys should first figure out why the breakup happened and then do something about it. That’s the only way you can grow within and avoid breaking up again in the future.
So instead of focusing on when you might hear from your ex, focus on improving yourself. Your ex will have to do the same before he or she can be in a successful long-term relationship. If your ex doesn’t self-invest, your ex will have a lot of catching up to do later when he or she gets into a new relationship with you or someone else.
The most successful exes who get back together take their time to identify their shortcomings and improve them. By working on themselves, they learn more about themselves, each other, and relationships—and have better relationships because of it.
Keep in mind that exes come back on their own terms when they don’t have any other choice. They return when life gives them lemons and shows them that what they had with their ex was good. They just didn’t appreciate it because they focused too hard on things that weren’t working.
What you’re looking for from your ex is regret and a strong determination to invest in you, himself/herself, and the relationship. Without the right mindset and willpower to build a healthy relationship, your ex won’t grow much. Your ex will stay the same and likely leave again once he or she takes you and the relationship for granted.
Will I ever hear from my ex again if I told my ex to leave me alone?
Just because you told your ex not to contact you anymore doesn’t mean you’ll never hear from your ex again. Your ex isn’t staying away because of what you said after the breakup, but because your ex wants to stay away.
The breakup made your ex lose romantic feelings and the drive to communicate, so your ex now needs to redevelop it. I’m not saying your ex will fall back in love with you for sure, but it could happen if your ex’s post-breakup expectations fail to materialize.
For example, if your ex dates someone else and gets dumped unexpectedly or coldheartedly, your ex could go through something painful and need someone to lean on. That someone could be you if you stay composed and keep your distance until then. You mustn’t reveal that you’re hurt and that you need your ex significantly more than he or she needs you.
Your ex must think that you’ve got your emotions under control and that you’re not a threat to his or her well-being. To your ex, you must come across as someone who can get rid of problems and pain faster than anything or anyone else.
So don’t worry too much about the things you said or did during or soon after the breakup. If your ex continued to breadcrumb you or do something he or she shouldn’t be doing, you needed your ex to stop contacting you and making healing difficult for you. You had every right to ask for space and not to talk anymore.
Your ex might not have liked it, but he or she respected it nonetheless. By asking for space and focusing on yourself, you left a much stronger impression on your ex than you ever would have by begging and pleading. The greatest gift you can give an ex who left you is the gift of your absence.
Rest assured that your ex will contact you even if you asked for space. Your ex will do it because he or she will need to do it. When pain and regret settle in, your ex will break the silence and do what it takes to gain your approval and support.
Don’t be afraid!
Don’t let the fear of not hearing from your ex weigh you down or prevent you from enjoying your life. You might deeply want to hear from your ex and reconcile, but fear and anxiety don’t need to dictate your happiness or control your future.
They serve very little purpose in your life, so it’s important to manage them.
Avoid checking your phone constantly for your ex’s messages and start filling your time with meaningful activities. Focus on things that truly matter so you don’t remain emotionally dependent on your ex or waste your time waiting for an ex who isn’t choosing to be with you.
If you stay afraid, your ex will sense it when he or she reaches out and needs something from you. Your ex will see that you’ve put him or her on a pedestal and that you don’t value yourself nearly half as much as you value him or her. That will, in turn, create a huge power imbalance and make your ex lose his or her remaining interest.
Always remember that your ex won’t value you if you don’t value yourself. Your ex will want you back only if your value is the same or more than your ex’s. So make sure to value yourself. Do that by continuing to move on and enjoying your life as much as you can.
Are you still wondering if you’ll ever hear from your ex again? Now that you know the chances, do you feel more at ease? Share your thoughts and feelings in the comments below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your breakup, click here to sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan, once again another great article. Your articles have definitely assisted me in handling matters of my breakup in probably one of the most healthiest ways I’ve ever done, and believe me I’m no spring chicken. I’m currently 2 months into NC and I must say your right it definitely does get easier daily. I started to return the focus on me and my goals. I still have those days where I wonder if I’ll ever hear from my ex again, not to necessarily reconcile but just to know that there is no animosity between us. I am the dumpee I did not beg or plead but did tell him the hurt he caused which he apologized for. With that being said do you think I would still hear from him? To be honest I don’t know how I would feel if I did. I guess some days are harder than others but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Any advice is appreciated. I’m trying to cope in a positive manner and your blog has definitely helped with that process.
I’ve been in NC with my ex for 1 month now and I wonder if I will ever hear from him. Did you ever hear from your ex?
Hi, Zan and others,
I’ve read all comments and articles, I find myself in this situation:
Me and my ex had ~1.5 year relationship, broke ones last year, after I’ve pleaded and ask her to give us a 2nd chance, after 2 months, we started again, but nothing new happened, we “continued” our previous relationship. What we’ll do when she has drugs addiction (weed everyday and others kind of drugs weekly – she can’t afford them by herself anymore in the mean time) because she has anxiety and depression (but she doesn’t want to go therapy), it’s the only way for her to be “happy” and feeling alive: leave her alone or give her time and go back in contact after 6/8 months? Currently in NC from the break up when she moved for the first time alone in 37 years.
HI Zan, I left a comment but don’t see it…
NM sorry. I see it now. Just making sure it didn’t get lost in the ether… best to you. – A
Hi Zan… great post, thanks for this. So many people have this question, and the answer I see most is “you don’t want them back”. So frustrating. This was finally a legitimate answer. If you have time for a quick reply to my story I’d appreciate it. I got to know my ex when we were in grade school, we are about four years apart. We were always semi-friends, I was in the same class as her older sister. Started flirting a little off and on when we were both in college, even went on a few dates. She always had a habit of just sort of disappearing for a long time. Ten years went by, I reached out when I was about 31 and saw her on FB. We connected right away and started talking off and on. This was around 2011. We had a very intense physical attraction that was the driving factor. She still had a habit of disappearing for long periods, but it never bothered me until mid-2014 when I realized I was falling for her. Then I started worrying she didn’t like me anymore, blah blah blah, OCD’ing… you know the drill. I let her know I was interested in getting a little more serious. She didn’t reach out with legitimate interest until December 2014. From that point on we were pretty much “dating” all through 2015. We weren’t exclusive, just talked almost every day, with a very intense physical relationship. Through that whole time I worried about her disappearing. She even warned me “I’ve broken guys before”… though I never thought it would happen to me. In mid-February she ghosted me for about a week then called and said “thank you for giving me my space”. Instead of this helping, it worried me more. I think I cried on the phone maybe, that certainly didn’t help lol. Anyway, I was sure she was gone forever. I drank myself into a stupor, probably gained 20 pounds. She called a month later ready to “get together”. I told her nicely that I would love to but I needed some time to get myself together. The next day she asked again to get together, and I said the same thing. I needed about a week or so. Well I got myself together, called her, left a message, looking forward to seeing her, etc… and that’s it. Never heard back. She blocked me on FB, Pinterest (where we had shared some secret message boards), and I heard from her Sister that even mentioning my name made her uncomfortable. I’ve never experienced anything so bizarre. I’m crazy about her, and I think about her every day. It’s been five years. Obviously crazier things have happened, and it wouldn’t shock me if she reached out someday, I guess I’m just wondering what advice you’d give (be gentle please) lol… IF she was to reach out again, what causes someone to get over whatever they are pissed about? I mean blocking someone on social media… this girl is the most extroverted girl I’d ever met. She never blocked ANYONE. So I obviously struck a nerve by saying no when she was ready to get together. We shared a LOT of great times though, not to mention an incredible sex life… could those be things that linger in the mind? Appreciate your writing. So many forums on Reddit, etc. are very cold and hurtful. Exactly the opposite of what people in this situation need. Also I should add… I’m a pianist & songwriter, and have seen some pretty significant success. If my career continues to progress, and she hears of my success, does that often bring exes out of the woodwork? Best to you, and thanks again. – Anon.
Clarifying dates here. February 2016 was when she ghosted the first time for a week. A month later in March was when she reached out to get together after I was a wreck. So it’s been a little over four years to be exact. Thanks.
Hi!
I love this article. It’s one of the best ones I’ve read on the topic.
My situation is a little unusual. My ex reached out multiple times in the first couple of months but I was cold and hurt. I acted as if I was high value and busy, but it was all manipulation which I regret. I was suffering.
We agreed to meet and between the agreement and our meeting she had someone new, she cancelled last minute and then proceeded to block me on various channels. I reached out a few weeks later and was blocked on that too. I let it be.
Two months later she reached out with a birthday message which I ignored.
That reach out was 8 months ago. I miss her, but she’s with someone else. I want to talk with her as I’ve improved massively in all aspects of my and I have this lingering feeling that she will be glad I’ve changed and we’d be mature enough to communicate effectively.
I’m no longer waiting for her as she messaged me last, but I’m not sure where the boundaries are for me to message her now. I feel secure and confident in myself (I wasn’t before which is why we broke up) and I’m not scared of a brutal reply/no reply. I just don’t want to ruin a potential future reconciliation. This article is spot on with giving time before reconnecting and I’m 100% behind it. I thought I was ready 6 months ago but I wasn’t now I look back. I truly want her to be happy now and honestly believe I’d smile if I knew she was in a great place with someone new.
On the flip side I’ve not seen anything about what to do months later if you’ve ignored your ex in the past.
Would love some thoughts.
Take care everyone
In this article, you say there’s a high chance of hearing from an ex even if you begged and pleaded (I begged for a total of three days over the course of four weeks, we had limited contact but both initiated it; we are now no contact). In other articles, you say that begging and pleading greatly lowers your chance of hearing from an ex again. I admit I am a little confused. Will you clarify?
Hi Cassie, I think the difference is between reconciling and contacting. Even if you beg and plead, you most likely will still hear from your ex, but begging and pleading are two of the biggest breakup mistakes and usually reduce the chances of reconciliation. I hope this helps.
Hi I’m in a different situation. I met this guy on hinge about 3 months ago. We had a great connection did everything together and spent almost every day together since we met. Our feelings were mutual and he seemed like the greatest guy I’ve ever met. He expressed that there’s little things that he doesn’t like about the way I handle things. I really felt attacked and felt like he was kind of belittling me and my feelings. I ended up breaking up with him after talking about it and not really getting anywhere with the conversation. And I did it over a text which I know now was wrong. He answered and said you broke up with me over a text f**k you and then blocked me on absolutely everything. I’m having mixed feelings and I miss him. I’m scared we’re both missing out on a great relationship. I added hinge back just to get my mind of things and came across him on there. I want to message him its only been 6 days and I want him to reach out to me. Do you think that he will or do you think it’s up to me to reach out. Helppp 🙁
Hey,
I’ve been super worried, my ex fully blocked me on everything after telling me he didn’t think we should talk again.. This came after 2 weeks after breaking up, and him thinking I was doing things like catfishing and hacking his Internet etc.. Of course I wasn’t, but he has bad anxiety.. He totally lost trust for me, is there any chance I’m going to hear from him again?
My ex Ghosted me! I just wish i knew why?
Hi Carrie.
Don’t torment yourself with questions you don’t have, nor want answers to. It’s best that you do some soul-searching and correct your shortcomings on your own.
Best,
Zan
I just got out of a relationship. Just north of six months total. We matched on a dating website and hit it off immediately. Never fought, rarely argued. Always had fun together. She has a daughter who I really started to become attached to and vice versa. Because of what is going on in the world right now with shelter-in-Place, and quarantine measures, we were only able to see each other just one time in the last six weeks of our relationship. She called me up out of the blue a couple weeks ago to tell me that it was over. That she had lost the spark we once had, and that she really wasn’t thinking of me anymore. I was of course, pretty heartbroken, but maintained to keep it as a really friendly breakup (no name-calling/ugly words etc). I’ve reached out to her a couple of times and she’s been very receptive to talking on both occasions. I think I’m just fooling myself though. I think she’s only being receptive because she doesn’t want to seem rude. And although I hope one day, she might want to try again just because of how the circumstances played out, I also think that as difficult as it is, I need to move on.
Kyle… I feel your pain.
I was in a relationship for 6 months. We hit it off really well… enjoyed our time together. She even wanted me to meet her family! We never fought or argued.
Then Covid happened. We agreed that self quarantine is important because at the time here in New York, nobody had any clue as to what was happening. It was total chaos. We still talked on the phone regularly and texted daily “have a good day! Stay safe! Miss you!” We both were making equal efforts to stay in contact. But as the months went by, slowly, it seemed that I was making more of an effort to maintain contact.
One week, I received messages like “Miss you”… “can’t wait to see you”…. “when are your next days off from work?”
The following week, I received a text basically saying that because of all the madness in the world, she can’t be in a relationship right now…. maybe down the line, but for now this is where she’s at… can’t move forward until leaving the present. Obviously I was very sad. I didn’t beg or plead… I respected her decision and said I would support her in whatever capacity even if just as a loyal friend. I let a week go by and wrote her a card… very brief and to the point, wishing her and her family good health and if it was ok if I could reach out occasionally just to say hello… asking if I could be a friend now, down the line or back off altogether. I said I don’t need to be in a relationship right now, but I would like to contribute to her life in a positive, meaningful and supportive capacity.
I never heard back.
I’ve never contacted her since the breakup other than the card I mailed. I’m using this time to self reflect. I’m not beating myself up anymore over what I did wrong. But I do miss her. I’d be more than willing to wait as long as necessary for her to work through whatever she’s dealing with.
But my heart is telling me to move on. Peacefully and quietly… move on.
I’m grateful for the happy memories we had, even if they were short lived.
I’m going through a break up my ex ghosted and blocked me 2days ago after a petty argument, I have tried to email him, but no response, as it stands things are not looking good
Use the time to work on yourself. I know it sounds easier said than done but I was in a similar situation. My ex ended up reaching out and apologizing after month and a couple of days. After a considerable amount of time you may not even want them back. But don’t reach out anymore. It will hurt I know it will and you’ll ask yourself why and how but that will only make you feel worse! You’re not alone we’ve all been there. Best of luck.
she reached out after 364 days. needed to tell you guys. some bullshit like she wants to give me a thing back which is obviously worthless. and my anxciety messed up BIG TIME 1 year ago. so whatever happens next, i think i‘m ready for it. time is the key! true story.
Hi Alex.
Don’t overanalyze and hang in there!
Best regards,
Zan
Yes I know. I don’t want to make false hope and I’ll try to be realistic. But she could have just thrown it away if she didn’t care. Pretty sure she tried to make contact, for whatever reason. I’ll stay no contact for the next 50 years if necessary. And It’s been a hell of a year – everything that i read from your blog happend and I have to tell you again that it’s an awesome work of yours. I have done all the work, i got unbelievably successfull at my job. Nothing of that would have happened without this endless pain. Just like you said, it’s true – Dumpees DO evolve. Only one question remains – what do I do if she contacts me again. If she asks if we can talk again. If she wants to be friends. We were both working together – what if she asks for some of the projects we worked together, which would mean i would have to dive in the past again. Should i say no to that? How do I talk to her again and make it hard for her at the same time. Dude. It’s difficult!
sorry for double posting!
Need advice, please help. Me and my partner broke up 3 weeks ago. We had a petty arguement and both said it was over. I presumed it was just an arguement not an actual break up. We didn’t speak for a week (longest time not speaking in the 9 years we were together). The week later I rang him and he said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and we don’t work . He won’t give me a reason as to why. We have been together for 9 years. We are currently saving for a house together. We also work together. I have recently had a promotion to night manager and will be starting this in 6 weeks. The week we broke up he himself has been contracted to nights so I will have to work with him. The idea of us both doing nights was so we could spend more time together and save up quicker and move in together faster. The day after all this happened he acted normal and said he loved me. Then later on said he doesn’t know what he wants. In the space of 2 weeks knowing he doesn’t want me it’s like my world has fallen apart. We have never argued like this before. In this 2 weeks a new girl has started at work and the rumours have gone Into overdrive about them being close and messaging each other. Her giving him lifts home. He has promised me nothing is going on. If I try and speak to him about us he doesn’t want to know. I have begged and pleaded for him to speak to me and he won’t. I am now on day 5 of my no contact and all I want is for him to speak to me. I know if we talked about things we would be able to work things out as I don’t u detstand how you can simply stop loving someone after 9 years. Any advice and I would be grateful. Thanks.
My ex broke up with me claiming “work” was the issue but I know it wasn’t. Work has been busy for him for months now. Anyway it’s been a week with no word. I reached out a couple of times, nothing. Didn’t really reach out to get back together just wanted to have a conversation and let him know we could remain friendly and just get more insight on how he was feeling since the break up was initially one text and that was the end of the conversation. He also unfollowed me on ig but didn’t block me so obviously he still wants to look at my stuff. Selfish is what he is. I’m taking this time to focus on me so if he does come back I won’t want him.
You are funny. You still care about your ex that’s why you are reading the article. Why are you going to act like you don’t after reading the article. That makes no sense.
That’s exactly why the last part of my comment said I’m taking time to focus on me so if he does come back I won’t want him. Did that part not make sense to you? Idiot. And why are you here? Are you not going through a similar situation? This is supposed to be people coming together for support. You’re really dumb.
Amy,
I understand your situation as I’m currently in a similar position. I think you’re doing the right thing… self reflection and making time for you. That’s my approach…. reaffirming that being in relationship isn’t the source of happiness.
Happiness needs to start with me.
Hope you’re doing well.
Ian
If anyone can give any advice I’d be greatly appreciative.
My ex finished it with me 6 weeks ago. I contacted her a little too much at first and she asked me to leave her alone. I respected this at first but occasionally slipped up. Not with begging messages but just general conversation. Sometimes she replied, sometimes she didn’t.
One day she blocked me on everything. This hurt, I knew it would happen eventually but wasn’t expecting it when it happened. I emailed her to ask why as emotionally I was feeling really hurt.
The following day the police called me and said she had told them I had engaged in unwanted communication. I apologised and told tjem to pass on my regret and apology to her as I had no idea it had upset her that much.
Since then I have not heard from her obviously but have now found that she’s on a dating website.
It’s really rocked me as we had been talking of having kids, buying a house etc.
As a side note, she lost her job in October which led to stressful times for us and in November she began to say she was doubting whether she could still do it. December and January went really well then at start of Feb she said she was muddled again. The month was very up and down then at the end of Feb she ended it.
Additional info she has depression and anxiety.
Oh wow. Well she obviously has her own personal issues that go beyond what you and her had going on. In this case I think she just needed time to herself to work on her own self and issues. Don’t take it personally. I know it’s hard but it will get better in time. I know it sounds cliche and not what you want to hear but it’s the truth. And what’s meant to be will be. If she is meant for you she’ll come back and she’ll be better than before. Best of luck 🙂
Depression and anxiety on top of a lost job situation can make the best of times go bad. Hope things get better for her, you, and maybe with time, the two of you. Above all, try your best to NOT feed into blaming yourself for all that has gone wrong. I speak fro experience that doing so is a huge mistake. Find value in YOU and never let any one person dominate your personal self worth.
My ex ended up reaching out last month after a month and a week. He apologized and basically tried to strike up a convo. Just wanted to put that out there.
What was the reason he reached out?
Thank you for all this I am still hurting after a year
Idk why I’m on here. I just feel so alone and wanted some opinions Military bf broke up with me today he just blocked me and said he had to lose me to go to college in Georgia. We both live in Arizona. I said congratulations for him for graduating he didn’t text me back at all but posted it on his story and I called him out on it .he said sorry for being a dirt bag and hanging out with his family. I said it’s fine to hang out with them on your graduation day. But you didn’t even text or call me saying you did ( even though it was on fb. I congratulated him ) He was probably out of the relationship for 6 weeks because he hasn’t texted since basic. Ya ya the military changes you. But he was so rude ab it and blocked me. Even if his parents knew about it and were trying to fix us it’s our relationship and lives his family shouldn’t have to be In it. I just wanted him to say thanks babe something like that I was his girlfriend obviously he didn’t see it that way. . The last thing I said to his parents was can I have a picture back I bought from the Bahamas and to ask her son for it back. Probably won’t. But it’s okay. I returned his stuff back but his parents weren’t there so i left it on his door step. He has me thinking the whole time he found someone else etc. but was a right in this situation?
Is my ex smiling at me considered reaching out after him being cold? (I ignored it)
Just wanted to share my story…
I met my ex on Bumble and when we matched, there was no mention that she was divorced or had a kid (as I’m sure her opportunities drop at an exponential level advertising those details right away). It wasn’t until I asked her out and she agreed that she shared this information with me. Anyway, it was probably one of the best first dates I’ve ever been on. Strong connection, great chemistry, etc.
We dated approximately 4 months in total and every bit of that was great. No fighting, always had a great time with one another, always got along, things looked incredibly promising…
Long story short, she pulled away after losing her job and shortly after, ended things between us. I stupidly attempted to reach out on 3 occasions after she ended it, starting from one week after (she actually responded to my texts at first but then started ignoring me) to one month after (I sent her a bday card in the mail). If I could do that over, I would’ve reached out zero times, but you live and you learn. Take my word that our relationship was great and I did nothing to provoke all of this, it’s just the cards I was unfortunately dealt.
Anyway, it’s been a year and 5 months as of this post and I haven’t seen or heard from her since.
I’ve long since moved on but I remember after this happened, I was hurting pretty bad and experienced depression for the first time. I’m sharing my story to tell you that if you’re going through a breakup, it’s very very difficult at first but will absolutely get better over time. Do your best to stay strong and NOT reach out as it truly will affect your chances of reconciliation, although you really are better off without them even though it’s not possible to see that right now due to how much pain you’re in.
When you’ve healed from this experience, I hope that you write a similar to response as mine to help a future generation.
Oh man I’m so sorry. People are so selfish. My ex did the same to me and I stupidly reached out multiple times as well. Did your ex give a valid break up reason? Or something you felt may have been a cop out? We dated a bit longer though 11 months with plans to move in and the whole thing. It’s only been a week but I’m heart broken nonetheless. I hope you gained strength from this whole situation. Best of luck
The reason I got was “I don’t have the capacity in my life for you right now”. When I asked if we could resume things when she got her situation sorted out, she just said “I don’t know, I can’t think about that right now.” I’m understanding enough to know that losing your job when you have a kid has got to be pretty scary, but pushing someone who cares about you away (who was also willing to assist in whatever way was needed) was not the right decision. She had instagram, but deactivated it before things ended between us. I noticed it would get reactivated every couple of months for like a week, then deactivated again (very bizarre behavior). Maybe she was checking in on me? Anyway, after her account had been deactivated for 6+ months, she turned it back on. By this time, I had long since moved on, so as soon as I saw that she was back (I share stuff with friends a lot in my DMs and we had a DM from when we dated, it’s very easy to notice a new message appear that wasn’t previously there), I unfollowed her and removed her from my friends list so she couldn’t snoop. I figure she lost the right to know what’s going on in my life when she removed me from her’s. She’s never attempted to try follow me back, send me another DM, or reach out in any way. I’ve been in no contact for about 17 months now, so I can’t imagine I’ll ever hear from her again. I know there’s a lot of really bad suitors out there, so she has really bad odds of finding someone else that is better than me (especially with a child, most guys don’t want to deal with that kind of situation). I’m much better off without her and I think that’s likely the case with you. Our ex’s don’t deserve us, so I would highly recommend you do focus on yourself (there’s no one more important than you right now) and do not reach out to your ex.
It gets better each day to be honest. Talking to friends and having them assure me that I deserve better helps rebuild my self esteem and remind me how confident I was on my own pre relationship. I’m in my mid twenties and so is he so I like to think he’s just young and still finding himself. Like you said she’ll realize her loss with you, he’ll realize he’ll never find another me soon enough. I’ll be happy once I reach the point where I no longer care if I hear from him or not. I realize that will take more time but it will happen for me. After all we were not the first nor will be the last to experience being heart broken. Good to hear you’re in an overall better place, thanks for the advice.
I feel you bro. Same story. Thats the case with seperated woman. Jumping into relationships. Trust me. Theyre still inlove with thier previous partners. It sucks bigtime. Well lesson learned. Go for single woman. Especially when they just got out of a divorce.
CB, sorry you went through a breakup like that 🙁
I want to add that single mothers who date online sometimes don’t advertise the kid thing because there are a lot of weird men out there who actually seek out single mothers and vulnerable children. Sometimes it’s a safety thing and not about avoiding initial filtering.
Thank you, this really helped me put things into perspective. I had a massive fight with mine as he wasn’t treating me right and I had enough. I told him I’ll stay with him if he treats me better and he told me he didn’t have the energy so we cut contact. This was 2 days ago so it’s still quite fresh. I felt betrayed and used more than anything else that he didn’t care enough to even try. The fact you got through the pain has inspired me, thank you. 🙂 🙂
Our relationship was LDR, we dated for one year, our connection was amazing, we had so much fun, we plan to have a baby, he planned so many things for us, but our situation was not easy. I have two boys, he has none , he was never married. Sometimes I didn’t believe so many plans that he always had, during our relationship his career got very prosperous and he always thanked me for that, before meeting me he was lost, couldn’t focus, spent $ with things not important, somehow I made him grounded and prosperous. He got three promotions in one year, last promotion Made him very successful/powerful.
I think he let his success interfere in our relationship, he was more self centered, sometimes he called me showing how beautiful was his office, he stopped asking about me or my boys, but I understood. On December 31 we spent together, he looked into my eyes and said: baby this year we will have our baby.
Next week he said he couldn’t be with me anymore, life is too short, and he couldn’t see his life going the was for more years. This happened last week, he completely erased from his life. I haven’t heard from him since.
It hurts bc I feel that I was used, I gave him the tools to become successful and humble, and when he got power and success, he left me.
Your situation seems almost identical to mine. I’m wondering how things ended up for you? I am 7 days post break up and struggling.
Hello! I recently found your site and I have enjoyed reading all of your helpful comments and was hoping to get some insight from you. I know that every case is different, but since you are the expert, I definitely wanted some advice and I was hoping you might be able to shed some light for me. My ex and I met when I was separated/about to file to be divorced from my ex husband. We bonded over the shared trauma that we had both felt in past relationships and fell pretty hard for one another. We both drank like fish as well. After about 6 months, my ex decided to get sober from alcohol. Which was absolutely amazing for him. But I did not get sober because I did not feel like I had the same issues as he did. When he got out of rehab, he told me that it would be ok if I continued to drink since I had a stressful job and could not smoke like he could. At that point in time, my divorce was being finalized finally. I was finally starting to process the loss of that friendship/relationship. While I was no longer in love with my ex husband, he was someone that I very much still cared for as a person. I tried to talk to my ex about this because he of all people could understand losing someone that you cared for in your life (especially when you were losing family and pets as well) and he basically shut down and said it was not fair for me to talk to him about my past relationship. This caused me to drink more because I felt that I was not being heard by the one person I wanted to talk to about the feelings I was feeling. So I tried to numb the pain. After all, I helped him through his trauma getting sober and pushed mine to the side and only began dealing with it much later. Over the course of his first year of sobriety, we had many discussions about my drinking. He wanted me to go to meetings, but I was afraid of going by myself and he refused to come with me. I did cut back on drinking, but there were several occasions that I definitely imbibed too much. Because he replaced drinking with smoking, I did not feel like he was truly sober, so I did not see what my drinking was doing to him. I could feel him slipping away and becoming distant from me which made me extremely worried. I could feel the relationship becoming toxic because we were not communicating like we should. We broke up a month and a half ago after I confronted him for talking to other people and acting single (he broke up with me after that). Since then we both have reached out a couple of times. We exchanged Christmas gifts. He told me that he thought this was just a break and I said that I thought so too. He said that he loves me, but that this is what we both need right now. He said that he does not regret our relationship because he owes a lot of who he is now to me. That we both need to get happy and healthy and that we just met at a bad time in our lives. That if we were to happen again, it needed to happen organically and for us not to force it. Since then, he has started to back off of talking to me and has signed up for online dating I feel sad and upset because I thought this was an opportunity for us to both move forward and get healthy, work through our problems separately and see if we were still compatible when we were in the same head space. I feel like he sent me mixed signals, and I am the only one working on my traumas. In the end, I will be a happier person regardless because I am confronting my issues for the first time in a decade, but I was not under the impression that I should give up hope for us. After the long conversation that we initially had, we have only discussed monetary matters since we lived together before. It has been a week and a half since I have been completely no contact. Which is difficult because we are both still on the same phone plan. Am I being completely foolish to think that we will talk again?
No I think you guys will talk. Who’s to say when though. I also think this may be Gods way of saying take a step back and work on you for you not you for him. You might realize that you don’t want him. Stay strong I know it’s hard when you want to be with someone and you aren’t able to be with them.
Hi zan!
Just wanted to say thank you for an amazing site.
I think its always best to get people to focus on themselves more, you tend to many times get lost in relationships and loose what is important to you.
I am starting to feel more relaxed with my ex breaking up with me by each day.
It takes a lot of will but I feel i’m becoming more at ease.
I do however sometimes think about what happened and try to evaluate the relationship the best I can.
My ex boyfriend did not say much during the break up.
I did however find (and i know this is wrong, but i was looking for answers)
his journal, and in that journal he wrote that he does not think he is good for me but he still loves me.
I haven’t talked to him about it, i just accepted what he wanted.
I do however wonder if it will always be impossible to restart something again, since it would never make a difference how much i improve myself?
I would be most grateful if you could shed some light on my situation.
And keep up the good work!
Kind regards
Bec
Just to clarify that this is not a teenager but a thirty year old man who I lived with
Hi! I’m still sooo depressed It’s been about 5 months since I last talked to someone I considered a best friend of sorts with feelings involved. I’m a female he’s a male. We were incredibly tight and loving for the first 4 months, texted/talked non stop throughout our day..everyday etc….then everything came crashing down when he has to leave for a very strict, very looong out of state rehab. He gets out 6 months later and i wasn’t important anymore. He didn’t even care to talk to me even though we wrote each other letters, talked on the phone and were making plans to see each other just the week before. Anyway, he starts ignoring me and I get scared and panic a little with I’d say a medium sized freak out.. that happened day of then I ceased all communication for a week to let things cool off. Then I wrote him an apology about my freak out and he responded that he knew I wasn’t being myself and to “know he doesn’t judge me”..I said thank you and if he ever needed someone to talk to I was here… well, I never hear from him again and I don’t reach out either. The ball was in his court … last week was his bday so I figured 5 months would be long enough so I sent him a message sayin Happy Birthday and that I wished we could still be friends.. I mean dang, I was the one who held his damn hand through his addiction problem. Anyway, he flat out ignored me..like wtf? It’s been a couple since his birthday and nothing… feels like a lot of unfinished business. I wonder if I’ll ever hear form him again? What are my chances? Do you think he will ever reach out if I were to be In a new relationship?